I tried to phone Xaynee yesterday.
When Johan answered the phone, he was immediately on the attack. I could hardly get a word in as he was going on about how rude it was of me to put down the phone on him the other day. I interrupted him and asked if I could please speak to Xaynee, so he told me "No, you can't."
I just said "Ok.", then I put down the phone and continued with the ironing. Then I thought, well, ok then...just another thing I am going to make a note of, but I wanted to know WHY I couldn't speak to her.
I phoned him again and again he was shouting at me, again I interrupted and asked him for a reason. He replied that it was because I was rude to him and started going on about the fact that I'm not giving him any money for her, I just put the phone down on him again.
I'm sorry, I just don't need that treatment any longer. I don't HAVE to talk to him, I only want to speak to my child.
After that I started chatting with my dad on MSN. Yeah... I decided that it's better to make peace with my parents, although they don't offer me the kind of support that I really need, at least they want me to be happy.
Exactly 20:00 SA time I phoned Dolf's cellphone to speak to Lili. It was off.
Tried again, off.
So I tried phoning the house phone, twice, no answer.
I was getting worked up, I realized I wasn't going to talk to Lili, again.
Then I phoned her stepmom's number, here they kept pressing the 'ignore' button or something because I got the same message 3 times that "The other person has cleared."
I tried phoning the other numbers again and finally gave up.
I got back on MSN and my dad said that he will try to phone from his number.
This was between 20:15 and 20:30.
After a while my dad came back and told me that my mom phoned from one of his other cellphone numbers.
Dolf's mother picked up the phone and told my mom that Dolf and Elsabe were visiting them for the weekend, but that Lili was already asleep and that Dolf said my mom can phone on Monday at 20:00. So my mom asked if she couldn't just phone the next day (which is today), and Dolf's mom replied that Dolf is refusing that Lili be bothered during a weekend. She also made the following comments to my mom: "You phone from strange numbers hey?" and "There is a new agreement between Renata and Dolf's attorney now".
To be honest, this type of thing doesn't even surprise me anymore.
My dad said to me that he's sure Lili knows what they're doing, but she can't do anything about it. That made me feel better, I remember how Lili told me that she knew and I mentioned it to my dad. I also explained to him that I am going to sue Dolf for the total amount of the maintenance that he is in arrears with.
I also told my dad that there is no agreement with an attorney and that I'm only working through the social worker, because mediation is her work.
I just need to ask my dad which number he phoned Elsabe's phone from. This time I'm making notes of every damn thing. I am not going to let them get away with doing this. In my point of view, all they care about is THEM, not Lili. Their actions are out of spite, not caring. I'm kind of getting the feeling that they are starting to panic, but I may be imagining things.
I know I'm young and I still have so much to learn about life, but I also know that I have expererience in alot of things, like judging people. I have worked with many different kinds of people in my work and I gained knowledge through my experiences. I is still shocking to see how downright stupid some people can be though.
By answering that phone call from my dad, after ignoring my phone calls, they just proved how stupid they really are. I don't believe Lili was asleep, but if they didn't lie, they would also have admitted to deliberately refusing me to have contact with her. These are just my thoughts on it, and I might be wrong because I am sad, but it makes me angry that South Africa has a system which allows parents to actually do this to their children, despite the fact that there are actually laws that is supposed to prevent it.
Laws like:
General Law Further Amendment Act, No 93 of 1962 Section One provides criminal sanctions for a parent who fails to comply with an order of court relating to access to children: “(1) Any parent having custody of his or her minor child in terms of an order of court, who contrary to such order and without reasonable cause, refuses the child’s other parent access to such child or prevents such other parent from having such access, shall be guilty of an offence and liable on conviction to a fine or to imprisonment for a period not exceeding one year or to such imprisonment without the option of a fine.”
Mediation services seems to be governing the law and there is nothing I can do about it, except make another phone call on Monday morning to the social worker and tell her about this.
As I mentioned earlier, I think they are getting paranoid. I kept staying one step ahead of them and they didn't expect that. Like when they moved to Bloemfontein, they didn't expect me to find out about it OR find out what their telephone number is etc. In the end my constant emails to the Department of Social Development and my complaints paid off, because that kept me that one step ahead. Dolf didn't expect me to contact a social worker either, that explains his phone call to me the day he phoned and shouted at me for "...putting the welfare on his case...".
Now, I don't know much about the law and the way I see things might not even be right, but I was never planning on letting this go. I am a mother and I love my child, it's natural to only want the best for her. In SA I didn't have access to the information on the internet the way I do now and even now that I do, it is shocking to see that most sites are focused on children being kept away from fathers, not mothers. Make no mistake, it helped me to gain alot of information about the issue and I really sympathize with these fathers as Andy is in the same type of situation.
In South Africa I did apply for legal aid, I never got any. After a while it felt like either you need the money to fight the system, or you have to be like Dolf and Johan (and their families), and be able to manipulate the people in the right places.
I did not have the money, and I am not manipulative. So the system allow the WRONG people to get away with the RIGHT things. You can't blame the system though, so how do you solve something like this?
I know now that (from what I can understand anyway), I still have custody. Dolf's problem is that he wants custody, because he wants maintenance. The Children's Court could only place Lili in his foster care, they didn't grant him any money and knowing him, I think he expected them to. The Children's Court can only place a child in foster care for a period of two years, after which the matter has to go back to court. During the two years, mediation services are supposed to monitor the situation and IDEALLY try to place the child in the parent's care who has custody. If this is not in the best interest of the child, the matter will go back to court EVERY to years, unless custody is granted to the other parent by the High Court, so for Dolf to get custody though, he will have to go to the High Court.
That is a problem for him. He doesn't have the money and trying to get custody in a court of law can get quite expensive. I know by this time that if I couldn't even get legal aid, he sure as hell won't. Not for custody.
What really bugs the living shit out of me though is all the questions I have. Questions that, if you don't have the right attorney (when I think in terms of an attorney, I panic because I know they are expensive), you will never have answered. If you ask the social worker, they only talk your question away or simply say "Yeah... but you see, we don't really work with the law..." and then they start explaining to you that they only have to look at what is best for the child blah.. blah..
I also mentioned to my dad then that the social worker on Xaynee's case said it's ok that Johan won't allow me to speak to her and that I am going to report her. I contacted the SACSSP during the week and they sent me the forms, but I first have to complain to the social worker's organisation she is working for's head office. I tried to contact them on Friday, but there was no answer, so I'll do it tomorrow.
Ah well... That's it from me for today.
Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :o)
Saturday, May 31, 2008
My Addiction is Getting Worse!!!
82%
This is absolutely hilarious.
I did this test the other day when I was on Wipneus's blog.
Due to the mood I was in, I didn't copy the html, but thought it will be ok because I can always do the test again. That time I only had 80%!!!
That means that my addiction actually got worse in only 2 days time, that is not good.
I am really getting worried about myself lol
Created by OnePlusYou - a Free Dating Site
This is absolutely hilarious.
I did this test the other day when I was on Wipneus's blog.
Due to the mood I was in, I didn't copy the html, but thought it will be ok because I can always do the test again. That time I only had 80%!!!
That means that my addiction actually got worse in only 2 days time, that is not good.
I am really getting worried about myself lol
LISTEN to me!!
Now if there's ONE that irritates me to the point of insanity, it's when you don't LISTEN to me. Do not even pretend to hear me talking if you're not intending to register what comes out of my mouth because you won't hear me talking to you for a while then. You WILL get silent treatment until I have cooled down enough. I think it's one of the worst habits mankind has ever learned and together with prejudice, which is another bad habit, it just makes me SO angry! Andy was the unlucky person to be caught out by me today and it may be over-reacting on my part but I can't help thinking that it is a sign of so many other things. By that I also mean that I think it's a sign of selfishness and not really caring. I don't know, maybe I just woke up in a bad mood today. . .
Am I Alone?
For as long as I can remember, I have always had this problem of thoughts running through my head that I can't explain. I understand exactly what I am thinking but I can't seem to put it into the right words so that others can understand me. I really get frustrated with it sometimes because when I do try to explain something to someone they assume things too quickly without me saying things. I am always thinking. It never stops and maybe that is also why I can't get to sleep anymore. The more I have to think about, the less I sleep. I wish I knew how to make sense to people. I read blogs of some people and I actually admire them for the way everything they write just make sense and it is properly laid out. I don't only have this problem with english, although it is definately worse. I just don't know how to use all the detail that I have in my head in the right way. I will never be a great blogger, although that doesn't really matter to me. Andy said earlier that I shouldn't have posted the entry where I was angry. It made me think again and I wanted to delete it. Then I realized that once again, I cared what people think of me. Why should I be ashamed of the way Johan is treating ME though? Why should I hide things? He kept me imprisoned in his miserable life long enough and I was too afraid to talk to anyone. I don't care what people think anymore. The real life can be cruel and if people don't want to accept that then I don't care.
In desperate need of sleep
I just realized that I NEED SLEEP!! It hit me with a bang that I had actually posted my ex's cellphone number with my previous entry and I had to run downstairs and beg Mathew to use his pc so I could remove it lol I don't think me and lack of sleep go together very well. I am really tired and not thinking straight, but then again...I was also angry. My baby isn't home yet and I don't like being alone. I miss him so much tonight, it is strange because I never get like this.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Letting Go of Shame
I posted earlier how Andy's mother had taught me that there is no need to be ashamed of my past. Since I've got nothing to hide, I am going to post something here which may shock a few of the Afrikaans readers, so if you don't like bad language, I suggest that you do not read this entry.
I started this blog to show people what my life was like, not to gain sympathy or support as many may think. No, I want people back home to wake up to the real world and recognize the signs of Domestic Violence and the various forms of abuse that go along with it.
First though, a quick recap of my day. I didn't go for a liver biopsy in the end and the doctor is happy with the way my health has improved. He gave me a letter to get my court case which is scheduled at the Children's Court for 30 June postponed and I will send it to the social worker on Monday.
I haven't been sleeping much lately, I only sleep every second night. It's the steroids causing it, so my concentration isn't what it should be but I feel alot better than 2 weeks ago.
I phoned Lili's social worker in Bloemfontein to tell her about last night and she told me that she was running late yesterday and when she phoned Dolf, he said he was on his way back to work. So I still don't know how Lili is, but I can phone her tomorrow again. The social worker said something strange, but it didn't register until I put the phone down. She said there is a few things that she wants to look into regarding the case. I guess I was too upset. I asked her again if we couldn't change the times and she said that she has to think of what is in the best interest of the child. Now, that didn't make sense. Yes, so it suits her routine best at that time, but it's almost impossible for me to phone at that time. Isn't it in the child's best interest to have contact with her mother?? No wait, according to law it is her RIGHT. What the hell is wrong with these people? I only speak to her for 3 minutes at a time maximum anyway! What is 3 minutes in a 16 hour day? I kept myself calm...again. I told the social worker that I'm making notes of everything, the case has to go back to court next year anyway. NOTHING will make my child forget me.
Ok, now for the other part.
I'm sorry for the english readers who will not understand this, but I translate everything in my head all day, every day, so I'm not in much of a mood to translate this. For some reason I am just fuming and I want to get this out in a way.
These are some of the sms messages I have received from Johan. I am so sick of all of these people getting away with everything and I am nothing like him. Yes, I do get angry and swear sometimes, but I have never used this type of language. Call me whatever you want, I deem myself better than this. He really is one sick bastard and I can't believe I was so stupid to ever get into a relationship with him. I like to think of myself as intelligent, and I know that I am. How did I fall in this guy's trap?
28/03/2008 - 12:48 - - Renata jy moet dringend met my praat oor Xaynee die dokter gaan nie met jou praat nie die inligting is vertroulik jy moet met my praat dat ons die ding van die kinders kan afhandel magda sal ook dink maandag met jou in verbinding tree ek gaan jou 3uur ons tyd bel tel op asb
29/03/2008 - 10:57 - - Renata ek wil jou net vrae as jy nog die persoon is wat ek ken bel net vir Xaynee al praat jy net 1min met haar ek weet jy is lief vir haar moenie daai harde mens word wat net wil haat jy is n goei mens en jy weet dit so probeur groot asb om haar te bel as nie kan gee mis call of please call me asb bel haar net
31/03/2008 - 13:08 - - Soek geld vir Xaynee se naskool asb en vir doeke laat weet as ek die rek no moet stuur die skool geld moet vandag betaal word as jy dit nie kan doen laat weet net asb
31/03/2008 - 20:54 - - As jy met Xaynee wil praat laat jou prokureur my bel om tye vas te maak as jy kamsteg so baie vir jou kind voel stuur vir haar geld
01/04/2008 - 14:26 - - Hulle soek daai geld van Xaynee vandag gaan jy dit vir my gee of nie laat my net weet asb gee mis ek sal bel
04/04/2008 - 13:39 - - Jy sal nooit weer met een van jou kinders praat of weer sien totdat daai poes nie weg is nie ek gaan daai kaal foto veroop en op side dat almal kan sien hoe lyk jou poes
(Hy verwys na 'n kaal foto wat hy sonder my medewete geneem het.)
04/04/2008 - 21:14 - - Ek se vir Xaynee haar MA gaan haar bel en jy bel NIE wat moet ek vir haar se het sy nog 'n ma of nie ek dink sy het nie want ma's bel jul kinders as hulle so se
(Ek het nie weer gebel nie na aanleiding van die ander sms.)
06/04/2008 - 20:30 - - Nata ek gaan jou more bel so 12uur jou tyd praat asb dan met ons baba sy mis jou baie. Kom trug die week gro asb ek sal jou gaan haal as jy wil en na jou ma vat
12/04/2008 - 18:59 - - Maak jou self vrek en doen ons almal n guns want jy is nie n MA wert anders sou jy hier gewees het vir haar dink daaroor kom trug na jou kinders asb
14/04/2008 - 18:49 - - Ek gaan jou oor 5min bel praat asb met xaynee ek het klaar vir haar gese jy gaan bel asb
20/04/2008 - 15:22 - - Hallo sal jy asb jou cv vir my stuur jy kan dit na jou pa stuur ek sal dit daar kry of na Johan00@mweb.co.za bel groot asb vir xaynee vandag asb baai
24/04/2008 - 00:17 - - Jy het di ekans gehad om jou kind te he maar jy kies hom bo jou kinders so jy gaan nie weer met Xaynee praat of sien nie jy is nie eers vir Lili se verjaarsdag hier nie jy het nog nie 'n sent vir Xaynee of Lilli gegee jy hoer net daar rond niemand glo n Ma los haar kinders vir n ou net hoere doen dit so besluit of jy n Ma of n hoer is as jy n Ma is kom trug na jou kinders of bly n hoer en bly daar sal vir Xaynee se Ma DOOD EK GEE JOU TOT 1UUR ONS TYD OM MY TE BEL EN SE WAT JY GAAN MAAK DINK MOOI NIE DREIGEMENT EK GAAN DIT DOEN WAT EK GESE HET HOE MOEILIK OOK AL SO DINK MOOI
25/04/2008 - 15:34 - - Kan jy my se of jy daai ander sms gekry het van of jy hom kies of jou kinders ek gaan doen met Xaynee wat ek gese het daar is nie ander uitweg so se my net asb
25/04/2008 - 15:49 - - As jy so raak dat die welsyn my bel en se dat jy met Xaynee moet praat ek kan ook hard wees soos jy ek wil nie bakly hoekom lelik wees met my die kind ly en jy
26/04/2008 - 16:13 - - Ek het verkeurde no gestuur maar jy het mos jou mind opgemaak so jy het dit dan nie meer nodig nie so ek kan maar al die inligting gee wat sy soek besluit wie vir jou die belangrikste is jy of jou kinders as dit jou kinders is kan jy vir Xaynee bel anders nie dankie lekker lewe
01/05/2008 - 18:18 - - Sal jou pa vir my geld inbetaal vir Xaynee laat weet my asb
(MY REPLY) Vir die dokter? Ek sal reel dat hy haar self vat en als betaal.
02/05/2008 - 02:14 - - Hou dan jou geld jy sal haar nie sien nie as jy daai houding het moet dan nie weer vir Xaynee bel nie sb dit gaan op jou gewete wees sn moet nie weer bel nie
(MY REPLY) Dit was nie met 'n houding gese en ek is binnekort terug in SA, dan sal ons sien. Jy is siek en obsessief Johan, kry hulp.
02/05/2008 - 02:22 - - Jy is die slegte ma wat gaan rond hoer het en jou kinders net so gelos kyk hoe ver kom jy met jou dreigemente jy moet hulp kry los twee dogterkies om in bed spr
(MY REPLY) Om in die bed te WAT? Jou sms het afgesny. Ek dreig nie meer nie. Hoer? Goed gestel as jy in aanmerking neem dat ek my verloofde al baie langer as wat almal dink ken.
02/05/2008 - 02:33 - - Wys het rondgehoer terwyl ons bymekaar was sal lilli of xaynee nooit weer praat of sien nie so kom na sa toe en kom doen iets jy veloor slegte ma jou pa hulle ok
(MY REPLY) Ag hou op toe? Jy lyk pateties en nee, ek het vir Andy ontmoet toe ons uitmekaar was.
10/05/2008 - 17:01 - - Sal jou n miss call gee as ek by xaynee is jy kan met haar praat
19/05/2008 - 22:13 - - Ek wou net weet hoe gaan dit met jou en wanneer bel jy vir xaynee of het jy ons ook afgeskryf wil net weet maar sien jyt kla
(MY REPLY) Get a life. Ek sal NOOIT ophou baklei vir my kinders nie. Jy en jou maatjie kan maar dink wat julle wil. Ek gee GEEN info meer aan jou nie, so back off.
19/05/2008 - 23:00 - - Ek het n lewe saam my kinders jy sal nooit jou kinders kry jy het n hoerjaar gekies bo jou kinders sien jou in die hof een van die dae ek en dolf het die kinders jy niks vrek eerder maar jy gaan nie jou kinders kry of mee praat so jy naai rond en maak vir jou ander wat jy eendag ook weggooi slegte ma jy kan nie n ma eers genoem word nie
(MY REPLY) Ag kry iets beter om my mee te dreig. Julle albei verveel my.
19/05/2008 - 23:06 - - Ons sal sien wie lag die laaste dis nie drygemente nie tyd sal wees wat jy is drank dis hoekom jy weer sie
(MY REPLY) Dit moet seker verskriklik voel om te weet ek is gelukkig. Jy kan dit net nie hanteer nie. Jy is nie 'n tiende van wat Andy is nie en jou slegseery maak my niks.
19/05/2008 - 23:11 - - Jy gaan verloor en jy weet dit wanneer laas het jy jou kind gebel dis n skande vir haar is haar ma dood ek het dit vir haar ge
19/05/2008 - 23:16 - - Sy vrae nie eers meer na haar ma en dit plae haar nie so ook lilli sy het n beter ma as jy jy gekry
(MY REPLY) Ek lag maar net Johan. Dis pateties.
19/05/2008 - 23:27 - - Lag maar jy is gelukkig sonder jou kinders wys net moet nie weer so pateties wees en se jy is so siek nie en weer 'n sms stuur en vrae kan jy met xaynee praat laat jou kamstige prokereur kyk of sy iets kan reel want jy gaan nie weer met haar praat nie tot die hof so se nie
(MY REPLY) Jy dink net aan jouself.
19/05/2008 - 23:41 - - Jy dink aan jouself ek het gese as jy hier is kan jy enige tyd jou kind sien maar jy kies om daar te bly so hy is belangriker as jou kinders so wie dink nou net aan hulself
20/05/2008 - 07:00 - - Ek wag wil sien wat jy en jou skynheilige ma hulle gaan se as jy nie jou kinders gaan kry wie is dan pateties
21/05/2008 - 14:03 - - Los dit jou kind word vanaand opgeneem onthou ek wou met jou reel jy wou nie moet nie eers dink om uit te vind waar sy is en by die hof sal julle dit weet so sien jou in hof o ek gaan jou dagvaar vir onderhoud ook sterkte
21/05/2008 - 14:38 - - Luister na my kalmeer bel my dan praat ons oor xaynee jys hardegat en lelik nou ly jy en jou kinders bel my dan praat ons daaroor voor dit te laat is
22/05/2008 - 09:25 - - Gaan jou oor 10min bel as jy optel praat jy nie weer met xaynee nie nooit weer
27/05/2008 - 08:00 - - Ons kan praat hoe weet ek hoe lyk dit daar gaan jy van julle duisende ponde vir xaynee elke maand stuur gee n bedrag elke maand so laat vinnig weet wl vnng wt
Goed, jammer oor die taalgebruik, maar dis presies hoe hy dit vir my gestuur het.
Thank you, I feel better now.
I started this blog to show people what my life was like, not to gain sympathy or support as many may think. No, I want people back home to wake up to the real world and recognize the signs of Domestic Violence and the various forms of abuse that go along with it.
First though, a quick recap of my day. I didn't go for a liver biopsy in the end and the doctor is happy with the way my health has improved. He gave me a letter to get my court case which is scheduled at the Children's Court for 30 June postponed and I will send it to the social worker on Monday.
I haven't been sleeping much lately, I only sleep every second night. It's the steroids causing it, so my concentration isn't what it should be but I feel alot better than 2 weeks ago.
I phoned Lili's social worker in Bloemfontein to tell her about last night and she told me that she was running late yesterday and when she phoned Dolf, he said he was on his way back to work. So I still don't know how Lili is, but I can phone her tomorrow again. The social worker said something strange, but it didn't register until I put the phone down. She said there is a few things that she wants to look into regarding the case. I guess I was too upset. I asked her again if we couldn't change the times and she said that she has to think of what is in the best interest of the child. Now, that didn't make sense. Yes, so it suits her routine best at that time, but it's almost impossible for me to phone at that time. Isn't it in the child's best interest to have contact with her mother?? No wait, according to law it is her RIGHT. What the hell is wrong with these people? I only speak to her for 3 minutes at a time maximum anyway! What is 3 minutes in a 16 hour day? I kept myself calm...again. I told the social worker that I'm making notes of everything, the case has to go back to court next year anyway. NOTHING will make my child forget me.
Ok, now for the other part.
I'm sorry for the english readers who will not understand this, but I translate everything in my head all day, every day, so I'm not in much of a mood to translate this. For some reason I am just fuming and I want to get this out in a way.
These are some of the sms messages I have received from Johan. I am so sick of all of these people getting away with everything and I am nothing like him. Yes, I do get angry and swear sometimes, but I have never used this type of language. Call me whatever you want, I deem myself better than this. He really is one sick bastard and I can't believe I was so stupid to ever get into a relationship with him. I like to think of myself as intelligent, and I know that I am. How did I fall in this guy's trap?
28/03/2008 - 12:48 - - Renata jy moet dringend met my praat oor Xaynee die dokter gaan nie met jou praat nie die inligting is vertroulik jy moet met my praat dat ons die ding van die kinders kan afhandel magda sal ook dink maandag met jou in verbinding tree ek gaan jou 3uur ons tyd bel tel op asb
29/03/2008 - 10:57 - - Renata ek wil jou net vrae as jy nog die persoon is wat ek ken bel net vir Xaynee al praat jy net 1min met haar ek weet jy is lief vir haar moenie daai harde mens word wat net wil haat jy is n goei mens en jy weet dit so probeur groot asb om haar te bel as nie kan gee mis call of please call me asb bel haar net
31/03/2008 - 13:08 - - Soek geld vir Xaynee se naskool asb en vir doeke laat weet as ek die rek no moet stuur die skool geld moet vandag betaal word as jy dit nie kan doen laat weet net asb
31/03/2008 - 20:54 - - As jy met Xaynee wil praat laat jou prokureur my bel om tye vas te maak as jy kamsteg so baie vir jou kind voel stuur vir haar geld
01/04/2008 - 14:26 - - Hulle soek daai geld van Xaynee vandag gaan jy dit vir my gee of nie laat my net weet asb gee mis ek sal bel
04/04/2008 - 13:39 - - Jy sal nooit weer met een van jou kinders praat of weer sien totdat daai poes nie weg is nie ek gaan daai kaal foto veroop en op side dat almal kan sien hoe lyk jou poes
(Hy verwys na 'n kaal foto wat hy sonder my medewete geneem het.)
04/04/2008 - 21:14 - - Ek se vir Xaynee haar MA gaan haar bel en jy bel NIE wat moet ek vir haar se het sy nog 'n ma of nie ek dink sy het nie want ma's bel jul kinders as hulle so se
(Ek het nie weer gebel nie na aanleiding van die ander sms.)
06/04/2008 - 20:30 - - Nata ek gaan jou more bel so 12uur jou tyd praat asb dan met ons baba sy mis jou baie. Kom trug die week gro asb ek sal jou gaan haal as jy wil en na jou ma vat
12/04/2008 - 18:59 - - Maak jou self vrek en doen ons almal n guns want jy is nie n MA wert anders sou jy hier gewees het vir haar dink daaroor kom trug na jou kinders asb
14/04/2008 - 18:49 - - Ek gaan jou oor 5min bel praat asb met xaynee ek het klaar vir haar gese jy gaan bel asb
20/04/2008 - 15:22 - - Hallo sal jy asb jou cv vir my stuur jy kan dit na jou pa stuur ek sal dit daar kry of na Johan00@mweb.co.za bel groot asb vir xaynee vandag asb baai
24/04/2008 - 00:17 - - Jy het di ekans gehad om jou kind te he maar jy kies hom bo jou kinders so jy gaan nie weer met Xaynee praat of sien nie jy is nie eers vir Lili se verjaarsdag hier nie jy het nog nie 'n sent vir Xaynee of Lilli gegee jy hoer net daar rond niemand glo n Ma los haar kinders vir n ou net hoere doen dit so besluit of jy n Ma of n hoer is as jy n Ma is kom trug na jou kinders of bly n hoer en bly daar sal vir Xaynee se Ma DOOD EK GEE JOU TOT 1UUR ONS TYD OM MY TE BEL EN SE WAT JY GAAN MAAK DINK MOOI NIE DREIGEMENT EK GAAN DIT DOEN WAT EK GESE HET HOE MOEILIK OOK AL SO DINK MOOI
25/04/2008 - 15:34 - - Kan jy my se of jy daai ander sms gekry het van of jy hom kies of jou kinders ek gaan doen met Xaynee wat ek gese het daar is nie ander uitweg so se my net asb
25/04/2008 - 15:49 - - As jy so raak dat die welsyn my bel en se dat jy met Xaynee moet praat ek kan ook hard wees soos jy ek wil nie bakly hoekom lelik wees met my die kind ly en jy
26/04/2008 - 16:13 - - Ek het verkeurde no gestuur maar jy het mos jou mind opgemaak so jy het dit dan nie meer nodig nie so ek kan maar al die inligting gee wat sy soek besluit wie vir jou die belangrikste is jy of jou kinders as dit jou kinders is kan jy vir Xaynee bel anders nie dankie lekker lewe
01/05/2008 - 18:18 - - Sal jou pa vir my geld inbetaal vir Xaynee laat weet my asb
(MY REPLY) Vir die dokter? Ek sal reel dat hy haar self vat en als betaal.
02/05/2008 - 02:14 - - Hou dan jou geld jy sal haar nie sien nie as jy daai houding het moet dan nie weer vir Xaynee bel nie sb dit gaan op jou gewete wees sn moet nie weer bel nie
(MY REPLY) Dit was nie met 'n houding gese en ek is binnekort terug in SA, dan sal ons sien. Jy is siek en obsessief Johan, kry hulp.
02/05/2008 - 02:22 - - Jy is die slegte ma wat gaan rond hoer het en jou kinders net so gelos kyk hoe ver kom jy met jou dreigemente jy moet hulp kry los twee dogterkies om in bed spr
(MY REPLY) Om in die bed te WAT? Jou sms het afgesny. Ek dreig nie meer nie. Hoer? Goed gestel as jy in aanmerking neem dat ek my verloofde al baie langer as wat almal dink ken.
02/05/2008 - 02:33 - - Wys het rondgehoer terwyl ons bymekaar was sal lilli of xaynee nooit weer praat of sien nie so kom na sa toe en kom doen iets jy veloor slegte ma jou pa hulle ok
(MY REPLY) Ag hou op toe? Jy lyk pateties en nee, ek het vir Andy ontmoet toe ons uitmekaar was.
10/05/2008 - 17:01 - - Sal jou n miss call gee as ek by xaynee is jy kan met haar praat
19/05/2008 - 22:13 - - Ek wou net weet hoe gaan dit met jou en wanneer bel jy vir xaynee of het jy ons ook afgeskryf wil net weet maar sien jyt kla
(MY REPLY) Get a life. Ek sal NOOIT ophou baklei vir my kinders nie. Jy en jou maatjie kan maar dink wat julle wil. Ek gee GEEN info meer aan jou nie, so back off.
19/05/2008 - 23:00 - - Ek het n lewe saam my kinders jy sal nooit jou kinders kry jy het n hoerjaar gekies bo jou kinders sien jou in die hof een van die dae ek en dolf het die kinders jy niks vrek eerder maar jy gaan nie jou kinders kry of mee praat so jy naai rond en maak vir jou ander wat jy eendag ook weggooi slegte ma jy kan nie n ma eers genoem word nie
(MY REPLY) Ag kry iets beter om my mee te dreig. Julle albei verveel my.
19/05/2008 - 23:06 - - Ons sal sien wie lag die laaste dis nie drygemente nie tyd sal wees wat jy is drank dis hoekom jy weer sie
(MY REPLY) Dit moet seker verskriklik voel om te weet ek is gelukkig. Jy kan dit net nie hanteer nie. Jy is nie 'n tiende van wat Andy is nie en jou slegseery maak my niks.
19/05/2008 - 23:11 - - Jy gaan verloor en jy weet dit wanneer laas het jy jou kind gebel dis n skande vir haar is haar ma dood ek het dit vir haar ge
19/05/2008 - 23:16 - - Sy vrae nie eers meer na haar ma en dit plae haar nie so ook lilli sy het n beter ma as jy jy gekry
(MY REPLY) Ek lag maar net Johan. Dis pateties.
19/05/2008 - 23:27 - - Lag maar jy is gelukkig sonder jou kinders wys net moet nie weer so pateties wees en se jy is so siek nie en weer 'n sms stuur en vrae kan jy met xaynee praat laat jou kamstige prokereur kyk of sy iets kan reel want jy gaan nie weer met haar praat nie tot die hof so se nie
(MY REPLY) Jy dink net aan jouself.
19/05/2008 - 23:41 - - Jy dink aan jouself ek het gese as jy hier is kan jy enige tyd jou kind sien maar jy kies om daar te bly so hy is belangriker as jou kinders so wie dink nou net aan hulself
20/05/2008 - 07:00 - - Ek wag wil sien wat jy en jou skynheilige ma hulle gaan se as jy nie jou kinders gaan kry wie is dan pateties
21/05/2008 - 14:03 - - Los dit jou kind word vanaand opgeneem onthou ek wou met jou reel jy wou nie moet nie eers dink om uit te vind waar sy is en by die hof sal julle dit weet so sien jou in hof o ek gaan jou dagvaar vir onderhoud ook sterkte
21/05/2008 - 14:38 - - Luister na my kalmeer bel my dan praat ons oor xaynee jys hardegat en lelik nou ly jy en jou kinders bel my dan praat ons daaroor voor dit te laat is
22/05/2008 - 09:25 - - Gaan jou oor 10min bel as jy optel praat jy nie weer met xaynee nie nooit weer
27/05/2008 - 08:00 - - Ons kan praat hoe weet ek hoe lyk dit daar gaan jy van julle duisende ponde vir xaynee elke maand stuur gee n bedrag elke maand so laat vinnig weet wl vnng wt
Goed, jammer oor die taalgebruik, maar dis presies hoe hy dit vir my gestuur het.
Thank you, I feel better now.
My Story Part Eleven
At that point I lost most of my will to live. I was trapped again in my relationship with Johan and just thinking about Lili made me cry. I shut myself off completely and I was chatting alot on my phone, I tried not to think.
Then the most unexpected thing happened.
It was late one night, early morning. I was just going through the online list on a mobile chat site where I had been for a couple of weeks. I recognized the last name on the list...it was Andy. My heart skipped a beat, but I immediately remembered our break-up earlier that year and I wasn't sure if I should sent him a message, but I decided to anyway.
What I didn't know at that stage was that Andy had been looking for me for weeks. He had gone to all the mobile sites I used to chat on. A mutual friend told him where I was and he came looking for me. We spent that whole night just chatting and joking and I smiled again for the first time in months, but I was also scared. I still felt hurt by the way he had treated me after our break-up and I could never really understand why he had left me.
Then he explained it to me.
I remembered then how we did at some point make peace, but we both disappeared from chat. I used to keep track of his life by reading his blog entries. This was September 2007 and he told me that he had written a blog entry about us a while after we broke up. Here it is.
He told me that neither of us were ready for our relationship back then, and in a way it made sense. I gave him another chance, but I never expected my dream of being with him one day to come true.
Andy never left me again after that and he supported me through every day. He was always there and he was patient, loving, and understanding.
Lili came to visit me at the end of September and that was also the last time I'd seen her. I stayed with her at my parents' house for that week and I held her little body close to me every night as she fell asleep.
The social worker who handled the case in Pretoria on my part came to 'check up' while Lili was there. She did one interesting thing with Lili that day. She asked her to draw a moon and then she had to say who she wanted to take with her to the moon and place them on the moon. As expected, she said the names of me, her dad, stepmother, all her grandparents, her stepbrother and Xaynee. The social worker then asked her if there was anyone she didn't want on the moon with her and Lili said 'no'.
All of us looked at each other and knew what it meant.
According to the assessment that was performed on her before the Form 4 to take her out of my care was issued, she showed an intense fear of Johan. Yet, she didn't say that she didn't want Johan on the moon.
Then the social worker asked her to draw pictures of everyone. Another strange thing she noted was that only the drawing of herself had hands and feet. I can't remember the drawing of Dolf, but I remember that the social worker pointed out that neither me, nor her stepmother had hands. The social worker took the pictures and said she was going to get them analyzed by a psychologist, but that never happened and this social worker is not working at that organisation any longer.
Another strange thing happened. Lili and I were waiting in the car for my parents when Johan phoned. I spoke to him over the car kit and Lili kept asking me if she could say hello to him, I told her no. Then she said: "Well, I'm going to" and she spoke to Johan, no fear.
Make no mistake, I don't think that Johan was innocent. At that point I started getting suspicious though. Something just didn't seem right. So I asked Lili straight whether she ever said that she was afraid of Johan and she denied it. I explained to her what had happened, but I don't know how much she could really understand. She was only 7 years old.
During that week we did as much as we could together and she followed me around everywhere. She even came to get me out of the toilet in a restaurant when she felt I was taking too long, more than once. I took her ice-skating and I saw so much of myself in my little girl. She, just like me at that same age, almost immediately got it right, so I took her again. It made me happy to see her smile.
She also spent time with Xaynee. It was beautiful to see her help her baby sister while they were playing on a jungle gym and how she protected her so that she wouldn't get hurt by the other children. They looked like two little angels, I couldn't be happier.
I cried with her one night, she told me that she misses us and that she didn't want to go back. I felt helpless, it broke my heart. There was nothing I could do.
The day we went back to Kuruman, we spent the night there. I had to take Lili back the next day. Dolf phoned and when he heard that we were in Kuruman, he demanded that I take her back. We rushed out from the restaurant, afraid that he might turn up.
That night I lay next to her, just stroking her hair. I couldn't sleep.
When Lili saw her dad the next morning she excitedly told him that I took her ice-skating. His words? "That's dangerous."
I hated him more then ever before. Lili just came and sat on my lap, she had her arms around me and I had to fight to hold back my tears.
That was the last time I saw my little girl.
P.S I know I've posted this video before, but I am uploading it again at this point of my story.
Then the most unexpected thing happened.
It was late one night, early morning. I was just going through the online list on a mobile chat site where I had been for a couple of weeks. I recognized the last name on the list...it was Andy. My heart skipped a beat, but I immediately remembered our break-up earlier that year and I wasn't sure if I should sent him a message, but I decided to anyway.
What I didn't know at that stage was that Andy had been looking for me for weeks. He had gone to all the mobile sites I used to chat on. A mutual friend told him where I was and he came looking for me. We spent that whole night just chatting and joking and I smiled again for the first time in months, but I was also scared. I still felt hurt by the way he had treated me after our break-up and I could never really understand why he had left me.
Then he explained it to me.
I remembered then how we did at some point make peace, but we both disappeared from chat. I used to keep track of his life by reading his blog entries. This was September 2007 and he told me that he had written a blog entry about us a while after we broke up. Here it is.
He told me that neither of us were ready for our relationship back then, and in a way it made sense. I gave him another chance, but I never expected my dream of being with him one day to come true.
Andy never left me again after that and he supported me through every day. He was always there and he was patient, loving, and understanding.
Lili came to visit me at the end of September and that was also the last time I'd seen her. I stayed with her at my parents' house for that week and I held her little body close to me every night as she fell asleep.
The social worker who handled the case in Pretoria on my part came to 'check up' while Lili was there. She did one interesting thing with Lili that day. She asked her to draw a moon and then she had to say who she wanted to take with her to the moon and place them on the moon. As expected, she said the names of me, her dad, stepmother, all her grandparents, her stepbrother and Xaynee. The social worker then asked her if there was anyone she didn't want on the moon with her and Lili said 'no'.
All of us looked at each other and knew what it meant.
According to the assessment that was performed on her before the Form 4 to take her out of my care was issued, she showed an intense fear of Johan. Yet, she didn't say that she didn't want Johan on the moon.
Then the social worker asked her to draw pictures of everyone. Another strange thing she noted was that only the drawing of herself had hands and feet. I can't remember the drawing of Dolf, but I remember that the social worker pointed out that neither me, nor her stepmother had hands. The social worker took the pictures and said she was going to get them analyzed by a psychologist, but that never happened and this social worker is not working at that organisation any longer.
Another strange thing happened. Lili and I were waiting in the car for my parents when Johan phoned. I spoke to him over the car kit and Lili kept asking me if she could say hello to him, I told her no. Then she said: "Well, I'm going to" and she spoke to Johan, no fear.
Make no mistake, I don't think that Johan was innocent. At that point I started getting suspicious though. Something just didn't seem right. So I asked Lili straight whether she ever said that she was afraid of Johan and she denied it. I explained to her what had happened, but I don't know how much she could really understand. She was only 7 years old.
During that week we did as much as we could together and she followed me around everywhere. She even came to get me out of the toilet in a restaurant when she felt I was taking too long, more than once. I took her ice-skating and I saw so much of myself in my little girl. She, just like me at that same age, almost immediately got it right, so I took her again. It made me happy to see her smile.
She also spent time with Xaynee. It was beautiful to see her help her baby sister while they were playing on a jungle gym and how she protected her so that she wouldn't get hurt by the other children. They looked like two little angels, I couldn't be happier.
I cried with her one night, she told me that she misses us and that she didn't want to go back. I felt helpless, it broke my heart. There was nothing I could do.
The day we went back to Kuruman, we spent the night there. I had to take Lili back the next day. Dolf phoned and when he heard that we were in Kuruman, he demanded that I take her back. We rushed out from the restaurant, afraid that he might turn up.
That night I lay next to her, just stroking her hair. I couldn't sleep.
When Lili saw her dad the next morning she excitedly told him that I took her ice-skating. His words? "That's dangerous."
I hated him more then ever before. Lili just came and sat on my lap, she had her arms around me and I had to fight to hold back my tears.
That was the last time I saw my little girl.
P.S I know I've posted this video before, but I am uploading it again at this point of my story.
Nobody is perfect
Since I came here I have learned so much. Life really is different over here but the most important lesson I learned was from my mother-in-law-to-be. She is an amazing woman although I don't think she even realizes it. I learned from her that we all make mistakes and that it is ok because we learn from it and it makes us who we are. She also showed me to not be ashamed about it and that by being open and honest about and to ourselves we can teach other people that life was never meant to be perfect. I used to be a perfectionist. By that I mean that I was the type of person who would rather do things myself than run the risk that someone else may do it wrong. I wanted to be the perfect mother and I wanted the perfect life. I felt ashamed and never talked about my mistakes I made and I hated criticism. Even as a child I simply had to be the best in everything that I did and I got frustrated whenever I made mistakes during my school exams or do the best in sport. The things I couldn't do perfect I just left. I am also extremely focused on hygiene and cleanliness and I could never understand how other people can't be like that. I felt like I was losing control whenever I lost control over a situation and that made me depressed. After coming here I gradually accepted myself as a normal human being who can't make everything right. I am not ashamed of my past or about the mistakes I made anymore. I am a good person and I am happy.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
This is just CRAP!!!
I promised myself that I wouldn't let this upset me so much again, but I'm just getting fed up and I am REALLY frustrated.
I will NOT break down though and I WILL keep fighting.
Not much reason to ask why I'm feeling this way again, is there? There is only one answer. My children.
I phoned Johan earlier so that I could speak to Xaynee. He said that she's asleep because she has got flu. Once again, I accepted it calmly. Then he asked me when I'm going to phone him again to talk about the living arrangements with Xaynee and I told him, it's no use because he just keeps fighting. I asked him what he wants then and he said that he wants to know what it looks like over here and how I'm living because he isn't going to send Xaynee to me if he doesn't approve.
I thought, well ok fine, I'll even send him pictures. Then he started accusing me that I never really cared about Xaynee. An old issue we used to have because we used to fight about it alot during our relationship. I told him the same as I always did, that they didn't allow me to be the mother I wanted to be and I even admitted to making some mistakes, all people do. I told him that I only want what is best for Xaynee and that I would like to make up for my wrong doings in the past, I am only human.
I told him that Andy's mom used to be a nurse and that Xaynee would be well looked after. That set him off again and he started shouting at me that he will NEVER allow Andy to raise Xaynee. He was going on and on about how Andy swears at him over the phone and he even brought up the night he phoned Andy, after he discovered in my sms's to my mom that Andy was in South Africa. I still remember it very clearly and Johan was standing there in front of me as he phoned Andy and they had this huge fight over the phone. Johan then took my phone and wouldn't allow me to contact my mom. I was terrified and he threatened me, I had to stay calm. Andy finally sent an sms to my phone that he was going back to Guernsey on the next flight out and that calmed Johan down. I knew I had to get away, I needed to but I didn't know how. Johan had my cellphone and we were living 40km outside of Pretoria. Eventually I convinced Johan that I needed time on my own and he agreed to drop me off at my parents house. He gave my phone back the next day, I knew Andy wouldn't leave and he in the meantime contacted my parents and told them who he was and what was going on. I couldn't use my WAP because I didn't want to arouse Johan's suspicions. My parents went and picked Andy up from the hotel and I met him there afterwards. I had never felt so safe or relieved in my life as I did at that moment.
Ok, to go on with what happened, so I tried a new approach and asked Johan if he would still feel the same if I wasn't with Andy, but with someone else. He didn't really know what to answer and then said that he wasn't going to send Xaynee and he started shouting, so I just told him goodbye and put down the phone.
It's still the same old story, only thinking about what HE wants.
Now Lili's part...
I know that the social worker had an appointment to go and talk to them at 14:00. I couldn't use the phone until 20:50 SA time (19:50 here) and after the third try, Dolf picked up. I asked if I could speak to Lili and he said she's sleeping and he shouted at me that it nine o' clock in the night, I corrected him and said it is ten to and he just kept shouting then put down the phone.
I was furious.
While I was in SA, I remember calling even later than that. I did mention it to the social worker that I want to change the times because it is a difficult time for me to use the phone, but she said that Dolf says it fits Lili's routine best.
What the hell am I supposed to do?? Can no one see how spiteful he is being? Or is it me?
Just another day I wasn't allowed to speak to my children...
I will NOT break down though and I WILL keep fighting.
Not much reason to ask why I'm feeling this way again, is there? There is only one answer. My children.
I phoned Johan earlier so that I could speak to Xaynee. He said that she's asleep because she has got flu. Once again, I accepted it calmly. Then he asked me when I'm going to phone him again to talk about the living arrangements with Xaynee and I told him, it's no use because he just keeps fighting. I asked him what he wants then and he said that he wants to know what it looks like over here and how I'm living because he isn't going to send Xaynee to me if he doesn't approve.
I thought, well ok fine, I'll even send him pictures. Then he started accusing me that I never really cared about Xaynee. An old issue we used to have because we used to fight about it alot during our relationship. I told him the same as I always did, that they didn't allow me to be the mother I wanted to be and I even admitted to making some mistakes, all people do. I told him that I only want what is best for Xaynee and that I would like to make up for my wrong doings in the past, I am only human.
I told him that Andy's mom used to be a nurse and that Xaynee would be well looked after. That set him off again and he started shouting at me that he will NEVER allow Andy to raise Xaynee. He was going on and on about how Andy swears at him over the phone and he even brought up the night he phoned Andy, after he discovered in my sms's to my mom that Andy was in South Africa. I still remember it very clearly and Johan was standing there in front of me as he phoned Andy and they had this huge fight over the phone. Johan then took my phone and wouldn't allow me to contact my mom. I was terrified and he threatened me, I had to stay calm. Andy finally sent an sms to my phone that he was going back to Guernsey on the next flight out and that calmed Johan down. I knew I had to get away, I needed to but I didn't know how. Johan had my cellphone and we were living 40km outside of Pretoria. Eventually I convinced Johan that I needed time on my own and he agreed to drop me off at my parents house. He gave my phone back the next day, I knew Andy wouldn't leave and he in the meantime contacted my parents and told them who he was and what was going on. I couldn't use my WAP because I didn't want to arouse Johan's suspicions. My parents went and picked Andy up from the hotel and I met him there afterwards. I had never felt so safe or relieved in my life as I did at that moment.
Ok, to go on with what happened, so I tried a new approach and asked Johan if he would still feel the same if I wasn't with Andy, but with someone else. He didn't really know what to answer and then said that he wasn't going to send Xaynee and he started shouting, so I just told him goodbye and put down the phone.
It's still the same old story, only thinking about what HE wants.
Now Lili's part...
I know that the social worker had an appointment to go and talk to them at 14:00. I couldn't use the phone until 20:50 SA time (19:50 here) and after the third try, Dolf picked up. I asked if I could speak to Lili and he said she's sleeping and he shouted at me that it nine o' clock in the night, I corrected him and said it is ten to and he just kept shouting then put down the phone.
I was furious.
While I was in SA, I remember calling even later than that. I did mention it to the social worker that I want to change the times because it is a difficult time for me to use the phone, but she said that Dolf says it fits Lili's routine best.
What the hell am I supposed to do?? Can no one see how spiteful he is being? Or is it me?
Just another day I wasn't allowed to speak to my children...
Liver Biopsy
Tomorrow morning at 11:00 am I have to go for a liver biopsy.
Crazy as that may seem, I'm scared.
The last liver biopsy I had was more than 4 years ago and it was in a State Hospital in South Africa.
Now, I've seen and been in many hospitals in my life, but South Africa's State Hospitals are a nightmare. If you don't have a medical aid or ALOT of money to make use of private medical care, you have no choice though, as I had no choice back then.
Forget about cleanliness and hygiene if you think of a state hospital in SA. The longest I have ever been in one was about 5 days and it was during this time that the liver biopsy was also performed.
I had no idea what they were going to do, but I had an idea, as it involves removing liver tissue with a biopsy needle.
They came and took me from the ward, I sat there waiting outside for about 40 minutes and then they simply performed the biopsy. I wasn't given any anaesthetic and it hurt like hell. I was pushed back to the ward and I was crying (I have a very high tolerance for pain though). I started coughing alot, so they sent me for x-rays and I was told that the biopsy needle was shot through my lung and that it was only fluid that I'm coughing up and nothing to be worried about.
I tend to engrave these memories in my mind in such a way that I get terrified whenever I think about it.
I told Andy that I'm scared, but I don't think he really understands HOW scared I really am and he will be at work tomorrow :(
I know that it will be different over here, the medical care is excellent even though it is provided by the state, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
Crazy as that may seem, I'm scared.
The last liver biopsy I had was more than 4 years ago and it was in a State Hospital in South Africa.
Now, I've seen and been in many hospitals in my life, but South Africa's State Hospitals are a nightmare. If you don't have a medical aid or ALOT of money to make use of private medical care, you have no choice though, as I had no choice back then.
Forget about cleanliness and hygiene if you think of a state hospital in SA. The longest I have ever been in one was about 5 days and it was during this time that the liver biopsy was also performed.
I had no idea what they were going to do, but I had an idea, as it involves removing liver tissue with a biopsy needle.
They came and took me from the ward, I sat there waiting outside for about 40 minutes and then they simply performed the biopsy. I wasn't given any anaesthetic and it hurt like hell. I was pushed back to the ward and I was crying (I have a very high tolerance for pain though). I started coughing alot, so they sent me for x-rays and I was told that the biopsy needle was shot through my lung and that it was only fluid that I'm coughing up and nothing to be worried about.
I tend to engrave these memories in my mind in such a way that I get terrified whenever I think about it.
I told Andy that I'm scared, but I don't think he really understands HOW scared I really am and he will be at work tomorrow :(
I know that it will be different over here, the medical care is excellent even though it is provided by the state, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I want to walk like the others. . .
I was on youtube earlier and saw this video and I thought I'd share it with you so that you can all understand Xaynee's disability.
Hemiplegia is a form of Cerebral Palsy and Xaynee is affected on the left side of her body. Although my little girl can walk on her own, her condition is getting worse and that is why I want her with me so badly to make sure that she gets treated.
This video left me in tears, I have to admit that. I remember how Xaynee used to try to run as fast as she could in her own little way while her sisters ran away from her. I felt so sorry for her when she finally stopped or fell down, exhausted and with bleeding toes. The longing in her eyes broke my heart.
Children nowadays just don't realise how very fortunate they are to just be normal.
Hemiplegia is a form of Cerebral Palsy and Xaynee is affected on the left side of her body. Although my little girl can walk on her own, her condition is getting worse and that is why I want her with me so badly to make sure that she gets treated.
This video left me in tears, I have to admit that. I remember how Xaynee used to try to run as fast as she could in her own little way while her sisters ran away from her. I felt so sorry for her when she finally stopped or fell down, exhausted and with bleeding toes. The longing in her eyes broke my heart.
Children nowadays just don't realise how very fortunate they are to just be normal.
My Recent Thoughts
I have been reading loads of blogs and articles lately and it helped me more than I think even I realised. Yesterday I talked to a woman from the International Social Services and although she had alot of sympathy with me, she was also honest and I think I needed that. She told me that if Dolf is already doing this, and by that I mean ignoring my phone calls etc., that no court or social worker is going to stop him as he seems to just get away with everything. I never thought of it like that and thinking about it, it is true when you look at the way he just ignored the maintenance court order, despite his sentence and he just got away with it. It made me sad and angry. When Andy came home I didn't even want to talk to him until I finally couldn't keep it in any longer. I just cried and cried as he held me and I kept asking why it was happening to me. I calmed down after a while but the smallest things just seem to upset me and I even had a go at Mathew again. I feel guilty but I also know that Mathew will understand when I apologise. I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't do anything and pray that my little girl will understand one day. I asked the social worker how I am going to go about if I want to send Lili a birthday present and she said that I should send it to her and that she will ask Dolf if it will be ok to give it to her. That upset me just as much because I am her mother and he now has the right to say if it is ok if I send her things. She also said that she had an appointment with them to go and speak to Lili on Thursday and I asked her to tell my little girl that I love her.
She also gave me information about Xaynee and told me that I will in fact not be able to take her out of SA without Johan's permission because the new law has already been implemented. I told her that the social worker on Xaynee's case doesn't want me to talk to Xaynee and she told me to report her to the organisation's head office.
I then phoned Johan but he didn't have Xaynee with him. I talked to him for a while and I actually feel sorry for him and hate him at the same time.
He was going on about how much he loved me and still does and how he can't understand how I could have sex with him a few days before I left. He really is so pathetic. So I told him again that I only did it because of the way he abused me and threatened me with Xaynee and I reminded him that I never told him I loved him. So he started blaming me and told me that I left him in a mess and that he had no money to care for Xaynee.
I tried to explain to him again that Andy and I want to share custody with him and he started off again about how Andy always swear at him over the phone and that he doesn't know what it's like over here. I told him again to stop lying because I know that Andy didn't just start swearing at him without Johan provoking him into it by bad-mouthing me or just swearing at Andy. Johan then said it... 'I will not let him raise my child!'
There he just proved two things.
1. He has serious psychological issues. No normal person can lie like that and not be a psychopath.
2. He will not allow Andy to raise his child and yet he wants his money? He knows very well that it is not my money and that it will be coming from Andy. Revenge maybe?
He also proved a third thing...
He wasn't thinking of Xaynee, he is just obsessed with getting me back and even though he says he can't afford to look after her, he won't think of what is best for her by giving her back to me if only for a while. He just doesn't want ANDY to raise Xaynee. Jealousy.
Question is. .
If I raise these things in court, will I get the court to give me permission to take Xaynee out of SA?
I have so much proof. Johan has been threatening me and abusing me via sms's and all of these things he has sent in text.
Will that be enough to get my little girl back and should I get back into this fight?
I don't know but I sure as hell am gonna contact my attorney in SA today.
Hmmm. . .
She also gave me information about Xaynee and told me that I will in fact not be able to take her out of SA without Johan's permission because the new law has already been implemented. I told her that the social worker on Xaynee's case doesn't want me to talk to Xaynee and she told me to report her to the organisation's head office.
I then phoned Johan but he didn't have Xaynee with him. I talked to him for a while and I actually feel sorry for him and hate him at the same time.
He was going on about how much he loved me and still does and how he can't understand how I could have sex with him a few days before I left. He really is so pathetic. So I told him again that I only did it because of the way he abused me and threatened me with Xaynee and I reminded him that I never told him I loved him. So he started blaming me and told me that I left him in a mess and that he had no money to care for Xaynee.
I tried to explain to him again that Andy and I want to share custody with him and he started off again about how Andy always swear at him over the phone and that he doesn't know what it's like over here. I told him again to stop lying because I know that Andy didn't just start swearing at him without Johan provoking him into it by bad-mouthing me or just swearing at Andy. Johan then said it... 'I will not let him raise my child!'
There he just proved two things.
1. He has serious psychological issues. No normal person can lie like that and not be a psychopath.
2. He will not allow Andy to raise his child and yet he wants his money? He knows very well that it is not my money and that it will be coming from Andy. Revenge maybe?
He also proved a third thing...
He wasn't thinking of Xaynee, he is just obsessed with getting me back and even though he says he can't afford to look after her, he won't think of what is best for her by giving her back to me if only for a while. He just doesn't want ANDY to raise Xaynee. Jealousy.
Question is. .
If I raise these things in court, will I get the court to give me permission to take Xaynee out of SA?
I have so much proof. Johan has been threatening me and abusing me via sms's and all of these things he has sent in text.
Will that be enough to get my little girl back and should I get back into this fight?
I don't know but I sure as hell am gonna contact my attorney in SA today.
Hmmm. . .
My Story Part Ten
The court case was coming up in July last year. Shortly before that I saw the social worker for the last time. She told me straight that my chances of getting Lili back was slim.
It was then that I contacted a medium who had a show on our radio. I just needed something to hold on to.
The night I appeared live on her show I was alone. I was telling my story but I was crying the whole time. The medium's name was Michaela and she then told me that my little girl misses me alot and that she really wants to be with me. She also said that Xaynee needed me to stay strong and that she doesn't understand why I'm so sad. Her final words to me was that I had no future with Johan and that there is someone else out there for me.
Johan was very upset about what she said. He started manipulating his way into gaining control over me once again. I was living on my own, but had to ask him for everything I needed. He never gave me money.
Then about a week before the court case, Johan phoned me and told me that his brothers had beaten him up in front of Xaynee.
I panicked. I was worried about Xaynee and told Johan it's ok if he moved in with me for a while.
He told me that the whole fight started because he confronted his mother about an sms she had received from Dolf. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that she still had contact with Dolf. Johan said he accused his mom of meddling in my business and threatened to take his children and leave but that was when his brothers stepped in.
Johan's ex wife took their kids for that night and he and Xaynee came to me.
He told me that he was sorry for being so blind about his mother. I had no sympathy. I hated him and I told him straight that I can't love him.
The day I was to appear in court, I sat outside and I could see Lili in Dolf's car. They wouldn't even let her come to me.
I may have looked all good and professional that day but my head was a mess and my heart was breaking as Lili came into the court room and her stepmother took her and put her on her lap.
My father took me to Kuruman that day but he never got out of the car.
The magistrate went through the assessment and social worker's report and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say. I tried to prove to him that Dolf was acting out of revenge by using the sms's he had sent me.
Nothing worked and the magistrate told me that if I really had Lili's best interests at heart then I wouldn't have Johan in my life at all. I couldn't think. Nothing made sense. The magistrate considered Johan as a threat to Lili's safety and placed Lili in Dolf's care for 2 years after which the matter will go back to court.
I started crying as I left the court room and totally broke down as I saw Dolf walk outside clapping his hands. He had won and he was making it worse for me.
We then had a meeting with the social worker in Kuruman to discuss visitation rights and contact.
We agreed that I could phone Lili on Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights.
She could also visit me during one short and one long holiday and I could see her whenever I was in Kuruman, provided that I let Dolf know two days in advance.
Lili was sitting on my lap the whole time and lay her head against me. I knew she didn't understand what was happening. I also knew that she loved me.
As we were driving back to Pretoria that day, I could feel a little part of me staying with my little girl in Kuruman.
She knew I loved her.
It was then that I contacted a medium who had a show on our radio. I just needed something to hold on to.
The night I appeared live on her show I was alone. I was telling my story but I was crying the whole time. The medium's name was Michaela and she then told me that my little girl misses me alot and that she really wants to be with me. She also said that Xaynee needed me to stay strong and that she doesn't understand why I'm so sad. Her final words to me was that I had no future with Johan and that there is someone else out there for me.
Johan was very upset about what she said. He started manipulating his way into gaining control over me once again. I was living on my own, but had to ask him for everything I needed. He never gave me money.
Then about a week before the court case, Johan phoned me and told me that his brothers had beaten him up in front of Xaynee.
I panicked. I was worried about Xaynee and told Johan it's ok if he moved in with me for a while.
He told me that the whole fight started because he confronted his mother about an sms she had received from Dolf. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that she still had contact with Dolf. Johan said he accused his mom of meddling in my business and threatened to take his children and leave but that was when his brothers stepped in.
Johan's ex wife took their kids for that night and he and Xaynee came to me.
He told me that he was sorry for being so blind about his mother. I had no sympathy. I hated him and I told him straight that I can't love him.
The day I was to appear in court, I sat outside and I could see Lili in Dolf's car. They wouldn't even let her come to me.
I may have looked all good and professional that day but my head was a mess and my heart was breaking as Lili came into the court room and her stepmother took her and put her on her lap.
My father took me to Kuruman that day but he never got out of the car.
The magistrate went through the assessment and social worker's report and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say. I tried to prove to him that Dolf was acting out of revenge by using the sms's he had sent me.
Nothing worked and the magistrate told me that if I really had Lili's best interests at heart then I wouldn't have Johan in my life at all. I couldn't think. Nothing made sense. The magistrate considered Johan as a threat to Lili's safety and placed Lili in Dolf's care for 2 years after which the matter will go back to court.
I started crying as I left the court room and totally broke down as I saw Dolf walk outside clapping his hands. He had won and he was making it worse for me.
We then had a meeting with the social worker in Kuruman to discuss visitation rights and contact.
We agreed that I could phone Lili on Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights.
She could also visit me during one short and one long holiday and I could see her whenever I was in Kuruman, provided that I let Dolf know two days in advance.
Lili was sitting on my lap the whole time and lay her head against me. I knew she didn't understand what was happening. I also knew that she loved me.
As we were driving back to Pretoria that day, I could feel a little part of me staying with my little girl in Kuruman.
She knew I loved her.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
My Story Part Nine
My whole life was falling apart. My brother got married on the day Andy left me and I wasn't invited because my brother never liked Johan.
I finally started giving in to Johan's manipulation. He kept phoning me despite the fact that I had a protection order against him and I agreed that he could take Xaynee for a while, more because I couldn't stand the way my mother was treating her than any other reason.
Johan then took Xaynee to a school for disabled children and when they did the evaluation on her, they classified her as being hemiplegic. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had a disabled child, but my mother kept manipulating the whole situation in such a way that I never had Xaynee with me again.
All my parents seemed to care about was Lili and that made me angry. Xaynee was my child too and she needed me but my parents never supported me.
Throughout this whole time, I was still chatting on mobile sites. It was my way of escaping the pain and hurt of the real world and I ended up in a relationship with a guy younger than me. He was living in another town and I knew that if I wanted to get away from Johan, that would be the only way of doing it. Unfortunately this guy had many issues like self-harming etc. I had my own problems to deal with and in the end I went back to Pretoria, but my parents wanted nothing to do with me because my father warned me that this guy was a coward. I still remember how my dad said that I would even be better off going back to Johan.
I made many mistakes during this time though. I felt that because half of Johan's business belonged to me, I had a right to some money and I was stupid enough to fall for Johan's trap. He offered to pay the rent for my apartment so that I could get Lili back and I agreed. I thought that it would be enough, because the social worker said I had to have an income (which I did because I owned half of the business) and I had to live on my own. The social worker even came to see where I lived and I should've known by then what was going to happen.
I had been trying to contact the social worker for quite some time by then, because Dolf accused me of not turning up for the court case in the maintenance court, but I was never notified and according to the maintenance court I didn't have to appear that day. Dolf was angry though and he wouldn't listen, so he refused to answer the phone whenever I tried to phone Lili and I couldn't speak to her on her birthday.
The social worker said that they couldn't find me and I told her that I had been trying to contact them for a couple of weeks by that time because I couldn't speak to Lili.
It was then that I started to realise that when a social worker are guilty, manipulating or just downright nasty, they simply ignore you or direct the situation into another direction.
I did finally get to contact Lili again, but then we had to appear in the maintenance court again. There something happened. Johan was with me and he heard Dolf talking to his attorney over the phone about the Children's Court case being at the end of that month. I knew nothing about it and I was shocked when I phoned the social worker and asked her about it. She knew nothing, so she contacted the social worker in Kuruman who said that it was true. I don't know why I was never notified, but the social worker told me that to get the court case postponed, I would have to get an attorney which I could hardly afford at that time but I did and I got the case postponed.
The social worker then told me that I had to go for a psychological evaluation and also an interactional analysis with Lili in Kuruman and that I had to pay for everything. I didn't know what to do because it was going to cost me thousands of Rands and I didn't have the money but I tried to stay calm.
I went for the psychological evaluation, but when I requested for it, the psychologist said that she was not foing to be able to finish it in time for my court case. I also tried to get in Kuruman for the interactional analysis but I had no transport and the coaches that used to go that route wasn't in use anymore. Everything was going against me.
I finally started giving in to Johan's manipulation. He kept phoning me despite the fact that I had a protection order against him and I agreed that he could take Xaynee for a while, more because I couldn't stand the way my mother was treating her than any other reason.
Johan then took Xaynee to a school for disabled children and when they did the evaluation on her, they classified her as being hemiplegic. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had a disabled child, but my mother kept manipulating the whole situation in such a way that I never had Xaynee with me again.
All my parents seemed to care about was Lili and that made me angry. Xaynee was my child too and she needed me but my parents never supported me.
Throughout this whole time, I was still chatting on mobile sites. It was my way of escaping the pain and hurt of the real world and I ended up in a relationship with a guy younger than me. He was living in another town and I knew that if I wanted to get away from Johan, that would be the only way of doing it. Unfortunately this guy had many issues like self-harming etc. I had my own problems to deal with and in the end I went back to Pretoria, but my parents wanted nothing to do with me because my father warned me that this guy was a coward. I still remember how my dad said that I would even be better off going back to Johan.
I made many mistakes during this time though. I felt that because half of Johan's business belonged to me, I had a right to some money and I was stupid enough to fall for Johan's trap. He offered to pay the rent for my apartment so that I could get Lili back and I agreed. I thought that it would be enough, because the social worker said I had to have an income (which I did because I owned half of the business) and I had to live on my own. The social worker even came to see where I lived and I should've known by then what was going to happen.
I had been trying to contact the social worker for quite some time by then, because Dolf accused me of not turning up for the court case in the maintenance court, but I was never notified and according to the maintenance court I didn't have to appear that day. Dolf was angry though and he wouldn't listen, so he refused to answer the phone whenever I tried to phone Lili and I couldn't speak to her on her birthday.
The social worker said that they couldn't find me and I told her that I had been trying to contact them for a couple of weeks by that time because I couldn't speak to Lili.
It was then that I started to realise that when a social worker are guilty, manipulating or just downright nasty, they simply ignore you or direct the situation into another direction.
I did finally get to contact Lili again, but then we had to appear in the maintenance court again. There something happened. Johan was with me and he heard Dolf talking to his attorney over the phone about the Children's Court case being at the end of that month. I knew nothing about it and I was shocked when I phoned the social worker and asked her about it. She knew nothing, so she contacted the social worker in Kuruman who said that it was true. I don't know why I was never notified, but the social worker told me that to get the court case postponed, I would have to get an attorney which I could hardly afford at that time but I did and I got the case postponed.
The social worker then told me that I had to go for a psychological evaluation and also an interactional analysis with Lili in Kuruman and that I had to pay for everything. I didn't know what to do because it was going to cost me thousands of Rands and I didn't have the money but I tried to stay calm.
I went for the psychological evaluation, but when I requested for it, the psychologist said that she was not foing to be able to finish it in time for my court case. I also tried to get in Kuruman for the interactional analysis but I had no transport and the coaches that used to go that route wasn't in use anymore. Everything was going against me.
The Girl I Used To Be
She came tonight as I sat alone
The girl I used to be....
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully;
Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do?
Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?
And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.
So gently rising I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet and fair.
And I told her that these are my only gems,
and precious they are to me;
That the silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.
And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go
And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman I am now
Pleased the girl I used to be
Author: Rowena K. Lewis
Copyright March 9, 1997
Monday, May 26, 2008
I tried
I phoned Johan and tried to talk to him. He just told me that if I didn't send him money, he's not going to allow for me to see Xaynee.
Then I phoned Lili. I asked her if I could talk to Dolf and at first he listened, then he said that he will give me his attorney's telephone number. I told Lili that I';d speak to her again, but Dolf hang up and wouldn't answer the phone again.
I tried.
Don't know what to do anymore :'(
Yesterday...
Well, after my terrible tantrum yesterday...I took some time to think, something I should've done a long time ago.
It all started with me and Andy having an argument about his daughter. I want for him to fight to get visitation rights and he just couldn't seem to be bothered. Then it hit me that he turned down the visitation rights he had because he didn't want to see his child under supervision. I was disgusted, thinking of myself again, I thought that if I had Lili so close to me, I would do anything to see her, even if it is under supervision.
So I ended up sleeping downstairs in the lounge and when I woke up, I told Mathew that I want my money because I want to go back to South Africa.
But then I had a talk with Andy again and I realised I was being selfish. I wasn't him and he needed to deal with this in his own time.
Then I tried phoning Lili, because I was too sick yesterday and Dolf wouldn't let me talk to her. I asked him if he would just explain to her why I couldn't phone the day before and he was rude when he said "No, I think she understands". As if he was insinuating that I just didn't care. He told me to phone on Monday. When I put down the phone, I couldn't stop crying.
Then I started thinking...
I realised that my children became my obsession and I had to let go.
Yeah... I know this is going to sound as if I am a bad mother and that I just don't care, but this is how I see it...
1. My children are all I think about, talk about and dream about and it is the only think I focus on. It meant that my relationship with Andy and everyone around me has become strained.
2. I was being selfish. Yes, I did want the best for my children, but I wanted them with ME more.
3. I was getting sicker and sicker, I need to focus on regaining my strength and getting well again.
4. If my fight for my kids has put such a tremendous strain on my and Andy's relationship, I know that it must be doing the same to Dolf and his wife. I see his wife as a kind-hearted person and the fact that she was being rude to me the other day should've opened my eyes already. In the end, it's not me, Andy, Dolf or Elsabe who is suffering the most. It's my little girl.
5. I remembered how I prayed to God and asked for his help. I knew that these were the answers I needed. I need to move on, let go and allow God to handle this for me, because I can't.
I talked it over with Andy and he told me to think about my decision for a day and then, if I'm still sure that it's the right thing to do, I can go ahead. Well, I've had time and this is my decision:
*Lili*
I am going to trust Dolf and Elsabe that they only want what is best for my daughter and that they will look after her. I would like to be able to talk to my daughter comfortably and see her whenever I go to SA. I want to be able to send her presents and know that she will get it and I want Dolf and Elsabe to stop worrying so that we can build up a trusting relationship where my daughter can feel she is not just an object worth fighting over.
*Xaynee*
I want to ask Johan that we share custody without me going back to SA. I am going to leave this up to him. Xaynee will never have the life of a normal child and I think she will not be disrupted as much if we can agree to let her stay with each of us for six months at a time. I think that in the long run it will be best for her as she will also be getting the medical treatment that she needs.
All I can do is hope and pray that this is going to work out ok and I am going to start focusing on getting well again, I need to.
I don't care what people think. I love my children more than anything and that will never change, but this is what I need to do.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Just...........................
As good as I might have been feeling yesterday and the day before, I just feel as shit today.
I've really reched the point where I just don't care anymore what people thinkor do.
I'm angry at Andy for being an ass and I just realized yesterday that it's just no fucking use to keep fighting for nthing. This battle was won, and not by me.
I give up.
Maybe I'll finish my story one day here on my blog, but for the time being...I just want to get my ass off this island.
I won't lie, I hate Johan and Dolf for what they've done to me and if I ever do go back to SA, I swear I'll fucking kill them.
I don't care wht happens to me anymore.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I'm just gonna take my stuff and go for a walk today. Don't know where I'm going and I don't care either.
Men are all useless bastards and I don't want anyone in my life ever again.
I've really reched the point where I just don't care anymore what people thinkor do.
I'm angry at Andy for being an ass and I just realized yesterday that it's just no fucking use to keep fighting for nthing. This battle was won, and not by me.
I give up.
Maybe I'll finish my story one day here on my blog, but for the time being...I just want to get my ass off this island.
I won't lie, I hate Johan and Dolf for what they've done to me and if I ever do go back to SA, I swear I'll fucking kill them.
I don't care wht happens to me anymore.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I'm just gonna take my stuff and go for a walk today. Don't know where I'm going and I don't care either.
Men are all useless bastards and I don't want anyone in my life ever again.
*~Letting Go~*
A poem by Pearl Simmons
I can't protect you any more.
I can't make your hurt go away.
I tell you I love you and show you I care.
I try to help out when things don't seem fair.
But my power as a mother goes only so far.
I can't always reach the places you are.
I want to be close like we were before,
But you want to move on -- to discover what's more.
When you were a baby, I'd hold you tight,
And keep you forever within my sight.
I could satisfy your every need,
It was an easy time for us indeed.
And when you were a toddler and scraped your knee,
You'd hold out your arms and run to me.
I'd kiss where it hurt and make it feel fine.
A hug and a kiss worked every time.
I was always the one you turned to then.
I wish it could be like that again.
But now when you're sad you turn away,
And I don't know what words to say.
You're my little boy, but you're growing up fast.
I feel you slipping from my grasp.
I want to hold on, but I know it's time
For me to let go of this child of mine.
I long to protect you, to shield you from pain.
But I have to remind myself time and again,
That you have to experience life on your own,
While I stand back and leave you alone.
You're still so young, but you've already found
How kids can be mean when I'm not around.
School kids tease you and call you names.
They make fun of you and play cruel games.
I tell you not to worry, that it'll be alright
I tell you to be brave, yet I can't make things right.
I try to listen and to hold you near,
To give you solace and allay your fear.
I try to be there when the going gets tough.
Sometimes growing up can be so rough.
But I also feel proud of the person you are.
I know that you're strong and that you'll go far.
I realize it's time to start letting go.
I've taught you so much of the things that I know.
As you step forward, I'll take two steps back.
It's not easy for me, but I'll soon get the knack.
I'm letting go, but I'll never be far.
You can always reach me, wherever you are.
I watch you proudly as you start on your way.
My love goes with you as we start a new day.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Feeling better
The steroids seem to be working because I have alot more energy and I'm even gonna go up to Andy's work tomorrow so I can spend a little more time with him.
I'm really proud of him and he is happy in his new work, that makes me glad :o)
Tonight I spent some time with Andy's gran and Mathew and we were playing some game I never saw in South Africa, it was fun because I've been keeping to myself alot lately and Mathew and I are also back on speaking terms after we've sorted out most of our issues.
I'm feeling less depressed as well since I made my decision to let go a little bit of my situation.
There is no use in crying the whole time, I am going to focus on getting healthy for the time being because I have a future and there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view either, in the end, whatever happens...nothing will change the way I feel about my children and even though I feel that there were alot of people who conspired against me, one day it will be their debt to pay.
I will also continue in telling my story and I will add extra bits and pieces to it as I remember them. I need to do it, it's just my way of accepting my past and moving on. I need to do it for Andy's sake, actually I should have done it a long time ago.
I am thinking about leaving the choice up to Johan, if he decides to allow his jealousy and obsession to cloud his mind...in the end he's gonna be the one to deal with his conscience. I can offer and provide Xaynee the love, care, and medical treatment she deserves and I will never keep her from seeing her father. I am just not the type of person who will take revenge. If Johan wants to take that away from my little girl, so be it. I can't fight against South Africa's laws and corrupt justice system, that doesn't mean that I am not going to get an attorney and go to court, but if I can't bring her here then Johan will be the one depriving her of a decent future.
As far as Lili is concerned, I haven't really decided yet. All I know is that I want my little princess to be happy and whatever happens...I will make sure she is just that before I'm making any decisions.
It's time for me to start focusing on what I have and that is a wonderful, loving and caring man who will do anything to make me happy. I want him to be happy too, because after all he's helped me with and all the support he has given me, I haven't done much to make him feel that I'm thankful. He has given me a chance and he saw in me the person I forgot I can be. He accepted me unconditionally and I want him to know that I will do whatever I can to make up for the second chance at life he has given me.
It is not always easy for me to talk to anyone here and expressing my feelings is even harder because I'm not english but Andy is the one person who just seems to understand without me even having to explain. I wish I could convince him to start fighting for visitation rights for his daughter, I would love to see and meet his little girl and I would really like for her to be a part of our life together. He just seems so hesitant. He doesn't really talk about it and he's convinced that it's going to be hard and I can understand that he might feel scared. He just doesn't want to get his hopes up and then get disappointed, but I have a very strong feeling that he should start dealing with that part of his life too. I know he is going to read this eventually and I hope he won't be upset with me. I just think he's already proved that he can act responsibly if he's got the motivation to do so. His past and everything that goes with it shouldn't keep him from seeing his daughter, I hope he understands that I am feeling really strong about this.
Anyway, I read a quote a long time ago...
„Just because a person made mistakes, that doesn't make him a bad person.″
I mentioned this to Andy tonight and he agreed, as I think anyone will do.
I've made many mistakes, but I learned from them and it made me the person I am today.
I just want my baby to be happy and if you're reading this...
Baby, I love you and thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for understanding and accepting me and thank you for being who you are because you made me the person I am today xxx
I'm really proud of him and he is happy in his new work, that makes me glad :o)
Tonight I spent some time with Andy's gran and Mathew and we were playing some game I never saw in South Africa, it was fun because I've been keeping to myself alot lately and Mathew and I are also back on speaking terms after we've sorted out most of our issues.
I'm feeling less depressed as well since I made my decision to let go a little bit of my situation.
There is no use in crying the whole time, I am going to focus on getting healthy for the time being because I have a future and there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view either, in the end, whatever happens...nothing will change the way I feel about my children and even though I feel that there were alot of people who conspired against me, one day it will be their debt to pay.
I will also continue in telling my story and I will add extra bits and pieces to it as I remember them. I need to do it, it's just my way of accepting my past and moving on. I need to do it for Andy's sake, actually I should have done it a long time ago.
I am thinking about leaving the choice up to Johan, if he decides to allow his jealousy and obsession to cloud his mind...in the end he's gonna be the one to deal with his conscience. I can offer and provide Xaynee the love, care, and medical treatment she deserves and I will never keep her from seeing her father. I am just not the type of person who will take revenge. If Johan wants to take that away from my little girl, so be it. I can't fight against South Africa's laws and corrupt justice system, that doesn't mean that I am not going to get an attorney and go to court, but if I can't bring her here then Johan will be the one depriving her of a decent future.
As far as Lili is concerned, I haven't really decided yet. All I know is that I want my little princess to be happy and whatever happens...I will make sure she is just that before I'm making any decisions.
It's time for me to start focusing on what I have and that is a wonderful, loving and caring man who will do anything to make me happy. I want him to be happy too, because after all he's helped me with and all the support he has given me, I haven't done much to make him feel that I'm thankful. He has given me a chance and he saw in me the person I forgot I can be. He accepted me unconditionally and I want him to know that I will do whatever I can to make up for the second chance at life he has given me.
It is not always easy for me to talk to anyone here and expressing my feelings is even harder because I'm not english but Andy is the one person who just seems to understand without me even having to explain. I wish I could convince him to start fighting for visitation rights for his daughter, I would love to see and meet his little girl and I would really like for her to be a part of our life together. He just seems so hesitant. He doesn't really talk about it and he's convinced that it's going to be hard and I can understand that he might feel scared. He just doesn't want to get his hopes up and then get disappointed, but I have a very strong feeling that he should start dealing with that part of his life too. I know he is going to read this eventually and I hope he won't be upset with me. I just think he's already proved that he can act responsibly if he's got the motivation to do so. His past and everything that goes with it shouldn't keep him from seeing his daughter, I hope he understands that I am feeling really strong about this.
Anyway, I read a quote a long time ago...
„Just because a person made mistakes, that doesn't make him a bad person.″
I mentioned this to Andy tonight and he agreed, as I think anyone will do.
I've made many mistakes, but I learned from them and it made me the person I am today.
I just want my baby to be happy and if you're reading this...
Baby, I love you and thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for understanding and accepting me and thank you for being who you are because you made me the person I am today xxx
Friday, May 23, 2008
Too much to handle
I remember way back when Andy and I were apart after he left South Africa and I was waiting for my passport...
The hurt I felt back then was similar to the hurt I'm feeling now because I'm apart from my children.
Talking over the phone just isn't enough and every time I hear their little voices it feels like my heart is being torn out.
Neither Andy, nor I am religious but I remember how we both started praying back then that we could be together again soon. It was all we could do, it was out of our hands.
Tonight I decided to do the same as then. It might sound wrong, considering that I'm not really really religious but I do believe that there is a Higher Power out there.
I was brought up as a Christian, which means that for me that Higher Power is God but to be honest, I'm not bothered what his name is, I know that he is and always have been there whenever things get too much to handle.
Being a perfectionist by nature hasn't made anything easier for me. I know now that I can't control every aspect of my life and that everything can't be perfect.
As hard as I try, I can't make everything turn out to be perfect for me and those I love, no matter how hard I try,
I have always hated this feeling of being out of control.
Well, tonight I want God to help me. I want him to take over my problems and guide me because I can't do it on my own. Not anymore. I tried and I failed.
The hurt I felt back then was similar to the hurt I'm feeling now because I'm apart from my children.
Talking over the phone just isn't enough and every time I hear their little voices it feels like my heart is being torn out.
Neither Andy, nor I am religious but I remember how we both started praying back then that we could be together again soon. It was all we could do, it was out of our hands.
Tonight I decided to do the same as then. It might sound wrong, considering that I'm not really really religious but I do believe that there is a Higher Power out there.
I was brought up as a Christian, which means that for me that Higher Power is God but to be honest, I'm not bothered what his name is, I know that he is and always have been there whenever things get too much to handle.
Being a perfectionist by nature hasn't made anything easier for me. I know now that I can't control every aspect of my life and that everything can't be perfect.
As hard as I try, I can't make everything turn out to be perfect for me and those I love, no matter how hard I try,
I have always hated this feeling of being out of control.
Well, tonight I want God to help me. I want him to take over my problems and guide me because I can't do it on my own. Not anymore. I tried and I failed.
Are children less important?
The things parents who have their children with them every day take for granted and the way they treat their children really makes me sad.
Have you ever considered how you treat your best friend who just had her heart broken by a man you warned her about? You console her and give her the courage to go out and try again.
But have you seen or maybe done it yourself that when your child does something that you warned them not to do...it's so easy to be rude or nasty and tell them ″I told you not to do it, you should have listened″
When you walk into a stranger in a shop by accident, you say ″Oh excuse me″ but when you trip over your child in the kitchen, you say ″Get out from under my feet″
It makes me sad to hear people complain about how naughty their children are while I'll do anything to have just half of the time they spend with their children, to spend with mine.
Have you ever considered how you treat your best friend who just had her heart broken by a man you warned her about? You console her and give her the courage to go out and try again.
But have you seen or maybe done it yourself that when your child does something that you warned them not to do...it's so easy to be rude or nasty and tell them ″I told you not to do it, you should have listened″
When you walk into a stranger in a shop by accident, you say ″Oh excuse me″ but when you trip over your child in the kitchen, you say ″Get out from under my feet″
It makes me sad to hear people complain about how naughty their children are while I'll do anything to have just half of the time they spend with their children, to spend with mine.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Thinking of giving up...again
Everything is starting to get to me. I just don't know how mush more of this I can take. I phoned the social worker who is working on Xaynee's case and she told me that Johan had the right to withhold my right to speak to Xaynee if it upsets her. So I told her but I had a right to speak to her and that made no difference. So I told her how Johan is trying to manipulate me and that he isn't considering what is best for Xaynee, only for himself and she said that I'm doing the same because I said that I had a right. This is all just so wrong!
I told Andy that my court case is the 30th of June and that I can't choose him above my child, I have to go back. He's upset and I've been crying the whole morning. I didn't even sleep last night, I just don't know what to do and this is breaking my heart. What am I going to do when I get back in SA anyway? I'll be in the same situation. I won't have money or a place to stay and the court won't give Xaynee back unless I do.
There might be a way for me to get the court case postponed. If I get a letter from my doctor stating that I am undergoing medical treatment, I can use that, but on the other hand...I still don't know what is going to happen once I get back to SA and I don't know if I'll be able to afford a lawyer yet.
I'm really getting to the point where I feel like saying "Fuck this, I give up!"
I told Andy that my court case is the 30th of June and that I can't choose him above my child, I have to go back. He's upset and I've been crying the whole morning. I didn't even sleep last night, I just don't know what to do and this is breaking my heart. What am I going to do when I get back in SA anyway? I'll be in the same situation. I won't have money or a place to stay and the court won't give Xaynee back unless I do.
There might be a way for me to get the court case postponed. If I get a letter from my doctor stating that I am undergoing medical treatment, I can use that, but on the other hand...I still don't know what is going to happen once I get back to SA and I don't know if I'll be able to afford a lawyer yet.
I'm really getting to the point where I feel like saying "Fuck this, I give up!"
Xenophobia in South Africa
It's almost impossible to describe this feeling inside me.
Like standing outside a glass cage, looking in. I am becoming one of THEM.
THEM: the people I used to ask in my thoughts...why aren't you doing anything? Can't you see the pain? Why aren't you helping?
I realised this and I asked myself...but why?
Maybe because I am safe?
Maybe because I only found out about the Xenophobia on a blog?
Maybe because I don't see the killing and torture on the news every day?
That doesn't make it right...I know.
I used to wonder and judge because I thought they didn't WANT to help. Then I opened my eyes...they don't understand.
It's sad, they are so ignorant.
They called me a racist when I came here, I didn't deny it. I knew the truth, they would never understand if I tried to explain. They live in a haven of peace of prosperity, they don't know hi-jackings, rape and murder.
They are afraid.
South Africans have grown used to the violence and crime. There is no right and wrong, justice is just a word with a definition that they don't practice.
I'm not ashamed to be a South African, I'm just disappointed that people look at me and judge me for something I am not.
We are not judged as a person, we are judged as a nation.
Xenophobia in the townships have proved that there is no control and no justice. It was bound to happen sooner or later, it's just sad that innocent people's lives are being taken as a result from it.
Like standing outside a glass cage, looking in. I am becoming one of THEM.
THEM: the people I used to ask in my thoughts...why aren't you doing anything? Can't you see the pain? Why aren't you helping?
I realised this and I asked myself...but why?
Maybe because I am safe?
Maybe because I only found out about the Xenophobia on a blog?
Maybe because I don't see the killing and torture on the news every day?
That doesn't make it right...I know.
I used to wonder and judge because I thought they didn't WANT to help. Then I opened my eyes...they don't understand.
It's sad, they are so ignorant.
They called me a racist when I came here, I didn't deny it. I knew the truth, they would never understand if I tried to explain. They live in a haven of peace of prosperity, they don't know hi-jackings, rape and murder.
They are afraid.
South Africans have grown used to the violence and crime. There is no right and wrong, justice is just a word with a definition that they don't practice.
I'm not ashamed to be a South African, I'm just disappointed that people look at me and judge me for something I am not.
We are not judged as a person, we are judged as a nation.
Xenophobia in the townships have proved that there is no control and no justice. It was bound to happen sooner or later, it's just sad that innocent people's lives are being taken as a result from it.
Back on medication
So...I went to see the specialist today and he decided to do more blood tests. He's also going to do a liver biopsy, so I have to go back in three weeks time. In the meantime he has put me back on steroids so that will help me feel alot better. He wants to send me to see a liver specialist in Southampton, and to be honest...I hope he doesn't. I haven't gotten over my fear of people yet and I'm not sure that I will be able to cope, but if that's what I'll have to do to get better, for my kids' sake I will go. What really surprised me though was that the medication over here is not nearly as expensive as in South Africa.
I tried getting hold of the social worker that is working with Xaynee's case in Pretoria but she isn't available until tomorrow afternoon. I contacated the court and they told me that only she can help me and that the final court case is 30 June but that they can't continue if I'm not there. I'm not really happy about this but this time I'm not as stupid and ignorant as I was with Lili's case.
I am happy about one thing though and that is that Andy is happy in his work. He even met a South African today, I can't wait to get well again so I can spend more time with him.
I tried getting hold of the social worker that is working with Xaynee's case in Pretoria but she isn't available until tomorrow afternoon. I contacated the court and they told me that only she can help me and that the final court case is 30 June but that they can't continue if I'm not there. I'm not really happy about this but this time I'm not as stupid and ignorant as I was with Lili's case.
I am happy about one thing though and that is that Andy is happy in his work. He even met a South African today, I can't wait to get well again so I can spend more time with him.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
My Story Part Eight
I was sitting in my dad's car, talking on the car kit and this woman told me that Lili had been removed from my care with a Form 4.
The reasons she said was this:
1. Johan had placed Lili in a trailer and closed it and Lili apparently displayed a terrible fear of Johan.
2. Johan and I both abused alcohol and then became violent.
3. I threw cups at a wall.
4. Neither of us were working and sat at home the whole day.
I was too shocked to say anything but I agreed to go and see her.
My parents were just as shocked. They knew about the whole trailer incident. It happened two years before while I was sick with my illness and in bed, but Lili always referred to it as a joke.
They knew that it couldn't have been true that I abused alcohol, due to my illness.
As I mentioned earlier on, I threw the cups in self-defence and Lili probably mentioned it because it was still fresh in her memory.
The last point wasn't true either, we ran our own business and we had the advantage of being able to pick the children up from school and not go to work again sometimes.
At first I was angry, Dolf finally did it. He took her away, just as he always said he would.
In the meantime, living with my parents wasn't easy either. Me and my mom were constantly fighting about the way she was treating Xaynee. By that time we didn't know that she was disabled and my mom said that Xaynee was just messy and naughty.
Then Andy also left me, I had no one and I was heartbroken. I lost two of the most important people in my life and I had to stay strong for Xaynee........
The reasons she said was this:
1. Johan had placed Lili in a trailer and closed it and Lili apparently displayed a terrible fear of Johan.
2. Johan and I both abused alcohol and then became violent.
3. I threw cups at a wall.
4. Neither of us were working and sat at home the whole day.
I was too shocked to say anything but I agreed to go and see her.
My parents were just as shocked. They knew about the whole trailer incident. It happened two years before while I was sick with my illness and in bed, but Lili always referred to it as a joke.
They knew that it couldn't have been true that I abused alcohol, due to my illness.
As I mentioned earlier on, I threw the cups in self-defence and Lili probably mentioned it because it was still fresh in her memory.
The last point wasn't true either, we ran our own business and we had the advantage of being able to pick the children up from school and not go to work again sometimes.
At first I was angry, Dolf finally did it. He took her away, just as he always said he would.
In the meantime, living with my parents wasn't easy either. Me and my mom were constantly fighting about the way she was treating Xaynee. By that time we didn't know that she was disabled and my mom said that Xaynee was just messy and naughty.
Then Andy also left me, I had no one and I was heartbroken. I lost two of the most important people in my life and I had to stay strong for Xaynee........
Hmmm...
Last night Johan sent me an sms. Stupid as I am, I replied and that only led to more sms's.
He kept telling me that I'm a bad mother for having left my children, that I chose a man instead of my children, called me a whore and then told me that I wouldn't see or speak to my children again because him and Dolf have them now. What broke my heart was when he said that he told Xaynee that I'm dead. He's said it before but this is really getting to me now.
I contacted the social worker today and she said that she was going to phone Dolf today and tell him that he can't refuse me any contact with Lili, but when I phoned tonight he didn't answer. I'll just have to phone the social worker again.
I made an appointment to see the specialist tomorrow at 14:00, I'm scared.
I can't do this forever, I want it to end :(
He kept telling me that I'm a bad mother for having left my children, that I chose a man instead of my children, called me a whore and then told me that I wouldn't see or speak to my children again because him and Dolf have them now. What broke my heart was when he said that he told Xaynee that I'm dead. He's said it before but this is really getting to me now.
I contacted the social worker today and she said that she was going to phone Dolf today and tell him that he can't refuse me any contact with Lili, but when I phoned tonight he didn't answer. I'll just have to phone the social worker again.
I made an appointment to see the specialist tomorrow at 14:00, I'm scared.
I can't do this forever, I want it to end :(
Just thoughts
In my mind I have been struggling with a question about whether what I'm doing is right.
I woke up this evening and the first thought that crossed my mind was that I needed to go back to South Africa.
I felt guilty.
I lay there, trying to convince myself that it's not the right thing to do. I looked for reasons to justify my being here and not with my children while a voice in my head kept telling me to go back...that it wasn't so bad...that I'll be with Xaynee...and that Johan might be telling the truth...maybe he can and will help me to get Lili back.
I felt torn. It felt wrong that I was happy without my children and I cried.
No one understands the pain. The emptiness where you once felt the love of your children. The constant battle and the dead-end streets.
I love my children more than anything and I will give my life for them, it hurts not to have them here with me but it's my own fault.
All I've ever wanted for them was the best that life could offer, but it wasn't in my hands. When I begged for help, no one listened and now I'm paying the price for the mistakes I made.
How was I to know?
I woke up this evening and the first thought that crossed my mind was that I needed to go back to South Africa.
I felt guilty.
I lay there, trying to convince myself that it's not the right thing to do. I looked for reasons to justify my being here and not with my children while a voice in my head kept telling me to go back...that it wasn't so bad...that I'll be with Xaynee...and that Johan might be telling the truth...maybe he can and will help me to get Lili back.
I felt torn. It felt wrong that I was happy without my children and I cried.
No one understands the pain. The emptiness where you once felt the love of your children. The constant battle and the dead-end streets.
I love my children more than anything and I will give my life for them, it hurts not to have them here with me but it's my own fault.
All I've ever wanted for them was the best that life could offer, but it wasn't in my hands. When I begged for help, no one listened and now I'm paying the price for the mistakes I made.
How was I to know?
Monday, May 19, 2008
Me vs The Game
I like to think of myself as a nice, calm, relaxed type of person. I would rather observe, rather than partake in any type of situation.
I'm patient, caring and loyal to those close to me but don't play with my other side cause you'll get eaten up as my main course dinner, I don't just bite.
Tonight my other side has been dying to surface. I'm in a very bad mood and suprising as it may seem...a damn pc game is the reason.
Why?
It's absorbing my fiance!
It sneaked it's way into the house, took over BOTH the computers I have access to, possessed my fiance and his brother and I'm left with my stupid i-mate cellphone and absolutely no one to talk to.
It's not my type of game, so I can't even join in their 'fun'.
I'm lying in bed all alone and all I'm hearing is THE GAME.
No, I'm not jealous because I can't play it, I'm furious because when I try talking to Andy, he keeps his focus on THE GAME while he's pretending to listen to me. Oh he HEARS me alright, he just doesn't listen.
Then I have Johan phoning me, asking me to phone him back. I'm worried that something might be wrong with Xaynee, so I do and what does he want? He wants to know how I'm doing and when I'm coming back.
He keeps asking me whether that social worker has contacted me yet, I wonder why.
I'm patient, caring and loyal to those close to me but don't play with my other side cause you'll get eaten up as my main course dinner, I don't just bite.
Tonight my other side has been dying to surface. I'm in a very bad mood and suprising as it may seem...a damn pc game is the reason.
Why?
It's absorbing my fiance!
It sneaked it's way into the house, took over BOTH the computers I have access to, possessed my fiance and his brother and I'm left with my stupid i-mate cellphone and absolutely no one to talk to.
It's not my type of game, so I can't even join in their 'fun'.
I'm lying in bed all alone and all I'm hearing is THE GAME.
No, I'm not jealous because I can't play it, I'm furious because when I try talking to Andy, he keeps his focus on THE GAME while he's pretending to listen to me. Oh he HEARS me alright, he just doesn't listen.
Then I have Johan phoning me, asking me to phone him back. I'm worried that something might be wrong with Xaynee, so I do and what does he want? He wants to know how I'm doing and when I'm coming back.
He keeps asking me whether that social worker has contacted me yet, I wonder why.
My Story Part Seven
During December 2006 Johan told me that Dolf apparently told his (Johan's) mother that he had a court order to keep Lili there in Kuruman with him.
At first I ignored it, I've heard it all before. Then Christmas came and Dolf still had the same story.
I finally took Xaynee and on the 3rd of January 2007 I 'temporarily' moved in with my parents. I also applied for a protection order against Johan.
School was due to start and it was Lili's first school year, I started to panic. My dad took me to the police station to open a contempt of court case against Dolf so he would bring Lili back but he told the police the same...he had a court order.
I turned cold when I realised that he was taking revenge on me. Before her visit I threatened to take him to court for the maintenance he was in appears with and I still remember his words over the phone... ″If you can't care for her, I'll take her″. He was also sending me sms's. One said... ″The wheel turns. You took my child away from me and now it's your turn to suffer. Lili accepted my wife as her mother and she wants nothing to do with you.″
It took all the strength I had to keep myself together. The police wasn't doing anything either and in the end I wrote to the Beeld. The next day someone at the police station told me to phone the social worker who was in possession of my file.
I phoned this social worker and she told me what was going on.......
At first I ignored it, I've heard it all before. Then Christmas came and Dolf still had the same story.
I finally took Xaynee and on the 3rd of January 2007 I 'temporarily' moved in with my parents. I also applied for a protection order against Johan.
School was due to start and it was Lili's first school year, I started to panic. My dad took me to the police station to open a contempt of court case against Dolf so he would bring Lili back but he told the police the same...he had a court order.
I turned cold when I realised that he was taking revenge on me. Before her visit I threatened to take him to court for the maintenance he was in appears with and I still remember his words over the phone... ″If you can't care for her, I'll take her″. He was also sending me sms's. One said... ″The wheel turns. You took my child away from me and now it's your turn to suffer. Lili accepted my wife as her mother and she wants nothing to do with you.″
It took all the strength I had to keep myself together. The police wasn't doing anything either and in the end I wrote to the Beeld. The next day someone at the police station told me to phone the social worker who was in possession of my file.
I phoned this social worker and she told me what was going on.......
I'm getting REALLY frustrated
I've been regaining alot of my energy and strength lately, but I'm spending most of my time in bed.
The specialist will be available tomorrow morning and since he is the one that has my test results, I have to wait for him.
Tried contacting the social worker again today, but she is still not taking any phone calls and we were told to phone tomorrow morning.
Dolf didn't answer any of their phones when I called, but I didn't really expect him to answer.
I'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
The specialist will be available tomorrow morning and since he is the one that has my test results, I have to wait for him.
Tried contacting the social worker again today, but she is still not taking any phone calls and we were told to phone tomorrow morning.
Dolf didn't answer any of their phones when I called, but I didn't really expect him to answer.
I'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
Birth year vid
Lol I got asked by Wipneusto post a video of a song that was released in the year I was born.
This is the best I could come up with.
This is the best I could come up with.
For my baby x
After Andy left South Africa in January, I was heartbroken. We used to talk on Skype or on the phone and it literally hurt.
He sent me this song and the words just made me cry every time I listened to it. He was in Guernsey and I was in South Africa, all I had was memories of the two most wonderful weeks of my entire life. Images kept flashing through my head...especially of when he walked away from me on the airport to get on the plane.
Set The Fire To The Third Bar - Snow Patrol
(feat. Martha Wainwright)
I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd 'B'
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places
I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science
Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms
After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms
My Story Part Six
I can remember many arguments that turned violent. Most were about Lili.
At first I even gave my best as far as his children were concerned. I bought them clothes whenever I bought Lili clothes, I spent time with them and played with them. Until I realised one day that I was fighting a losing battle.
I always blow-dried Lili's hair, she has the most beautiful hair and I loved doing it. So I tried doing the same for Johan's girls. Then one day the oldest one told me I shouldn't do it because her grandmother says it doesn't look nice. I gave up right then and there. Johan's mother also treated Lili as though she never were a part of them, it made her sad and she used to cry about it sometimes when I put her in bed. How could I explain to my daughter that it wasn't her fault and that this woman was just plain rude?
I realised later on that it was jealousy. Lili is a beautiful child. I know that any mother would say that about her children, but people have actually stopped me in shopping malls to stare at her. Johan later admitted that he was jealous of her, his children wasn't as pretty as she was, and he made her pay for that by treating her the way he did.
During our relationship, we had alot of trouble with getting Dolf to pay maintenance. The visits didn't go very smoothly either and we had to go to Kuruman twice to get Lili at our own cost. Dolf simply refused to bring her back.
The last time was in December 2005. I wanted Lili back before Christmas, Dolf threatened me with the welfare and court and everything until we finally just got in the car and went to Kuruman. When we got there, he wouldn't let me take Lili and I had to talk to the social worker first. This was a different social worker than the one who originally opened a file though.
I was shocked when she showed me a written and sworn statement by Johan's mother that I had said Lili could stay until January. I told them I never said it and that I wanted my child.
When we confronted Johan's mother, she said that the kids, that is Johan's kids, had said that but she omitted that fact in her statement. I was angry, I never spoke to Johan's mother again after that.
Shortly after that I started writing blogs on a mobile site and I also started going into chat rooms. It was my way of escaping my reality and I could write anything I wanted in my blogs, without the risk of having people like Johan and his mother reading it and using it against me.
I met Andy on that same site, at the time I thought I was crazy to fall in love with a person on the other side of the world, but we grew closer than I think either of us realised. He supported me and gave me the hope and strength to go on when all I wanted to do was to give up.
Johan found an sms or two from Andy on my phone. I had to explain and I did. I told Johan that I didn't love him anymore...then he became obsessed.
A week or two before Lili had to go to Dolf, Johan started an argument with me and he stormed up to me and Lili. I wanted to protect her, so I did the first thing I could think of...I threw cups at him. I missed though.
Andy knew about every single incident that occured. I never lied to him and always told him the truth, what I didn't know back then was that he was also going through a difficult time.
After Lili was gone, Johan and I had another fight. This time he took Xaynee and left. After all the threats that he was going to take her away, I didn't know what to think. My face and neck was badly bruised and I phoned the police. I was hysterical, all I had was Andy to calm me down. The police arrived and I begged them for help, I also wanted to open a kidnapping case. They went to speak to Johan's mother, I heard how she told them that I had a mental problem and that I was out of control so Johan just 'took the kids to safety'. The police just left and told me to phone them when Johan gets back. I could scream. Why wouldn't they listen? Why wouldn't they help me?
Johan's mother was standing there, calling me a whore, told me I was crazy and she was being all smug about it.
I had to get away.
At first I even gave my best as far as his children were concerned. I bought them clothes whenever I bought Lili clothes, I spent time with them and played with them. Until I realised one day that I was fighting a losing battle.
I always blow-dried Lili's hair, she has the most beautiful hair and I loved doing it. So I tried doing the same for Johan's girls. Then one day the oldest one told me I shouldn't do it because her grandmother says it doesn't look nice. I gave up right then and there. Johan's mother also treated Lili as though she never were a part of them, it made her sad and she used to cry about it sometimes when I put her in bed. How could I explain to my daughter that it wasn't her fault and that this woman was just plain rude?
I realised later on that it was jealousy. Lili is a beautiful child. I know that any mother would say that about her children, but people have actually stopped me in shopping malls to stare at her. Johan later admitted that he was jealous of her, his children wasn't as pretty as she was, and he made her pay for that by treating her the way he did.
During our relationship, we had alot of trouble with getting Dolf to pay maintenance. The visits didn't go very smoothly either and we had to go to Kuruman twice to get Lili at our own cost. Dolf simply refused to bring her back.
The last time was in December 2005. I wanted Lili back before Christmas, Dolf threatened me with the welfare and court and everything until we finally just got in the car and went to Kuruman. When we got there, he wouldn't let me take Lili and I had to talk to the social worker first. This was a different social worker than the one who originally opened a file though.
I was shocked when she showed me a written and sworn statement by Johan's mother that I had said Lili could stay until January. I told them I never said it and that I wanted my child.
When we confronted Johan's mother, she said that the kids, that is Johan's kids, had said that but she omitted that fact in her statement. I was angry, I never spoke to Johan's mother again after that.
Shortly after that I started writing blogs on a mobile site and I also started going into chat rooms. It was my way of escaping my reality and I could write anything I wanted in my blogs, without the risk of having people like Johan and his mother reading it and using it against me.
I met Andy on that same site, at the time I thought I was crazy to fall in love with a person on the other side of the world, but we grew closer than I think either of us realised. He supported me and gave me the hope and strength to go on when all I wanted to do was to give up.
Johan found an sms or two from Andy on my phone. I had to explain and I did. I told Johan that I didn't love him anymore...then he became obsessed.
A week or two before Lili had to go to Dolf, Johan started an argument with me and he stormed up to me and Lili. I wanted to protect her, so I did the first thing I could think of...I threw cups at him. I missed though.
Andy knew about every single incident that occured. I never lied to him and always told him the truth, what I didn't know back then was that he was also going through a difficult time.
After Lili was gone, Johan and I had another fight. This time he took Xaynee and left. After all the threats that he was going to take her away, I didn't know what to think. My face and neck was badly bruised and I phoned the police. I was hysterical, all I had was Andy to calm me down. The police arrived and I begged them for help, I also wanted to open a kidnapping case. They went to speak to Johan's mother, I heard how she told them that I had a mental problem and that I was out of control so Johan just 'took the kids to safety'. The police just left and told me to phone them when Johan gets back. I could scream. Why wouldn't they listen? Why wouldn't they help me?
Johan's mother was standing there, calling me a whore, told me I was crazy and she was being all smug about it.
I had to get away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)