Yesterday...

Well, after my terrible tantrum yesterday...I took some time to think, something I should've done a long time ago.

It all started with me and Andy having an argument about his daughter. I want for him to fight to get visitation rights and he just couldn't seem to be bothered. Then it hit me that he turned down the visitation rights he had because he didn't want to see his child under supervision. I was disgusted, thinking of myself again, I thought that if I had Lili so close to me, I would do anything to see her, even if it is under supervision.

So I ended up sleeping downstairs in the lounge and when I woke up, I told Mathew that I want my money because I want to go back to South Africa.

But then I had a talk with Andy again and I realised I was being selfish. I wasn't him and he needed to deal with this in his own time.

Then I tried phoning Lili, because I was too sick yesterday and Dolf wouldn't let me talk to her. I asked him if he would just explain to her why I couldn't phone the day before and he was rude when he said "No, I think she understands". As if he was insinuating that I just didn't care. He told me to phone on Monday. When I put down the phone, I couldn't stop crying.

Then I started thinking...

I realised that my children became my obsession and I had to let go.

Yeah... I know this is going to sound as if I am a bad mother and that I just don't care, but this is how I see it...

1. My children are all I think about, talk about and dream about and it is the only think I focus on. It meant that my relationship with Andy and everyone around me has become strained.

2. I was being selfish. Yes, I did want the best for my children, but I wanted them with ME more.

3. I was getting sicker and sicker, I need to focus on regaining my strength and getting well again.

4. If my fight for my kids has put such a tremendous strain on my and Andy's relationship, I know that it must be doing the same to Dolf and his wife. I see his wife as a kind-hearted person and the fact that she was being rude to me the other day should've opened my eyes already. In the end, it's not me, Andy, Dolf or Elsabe who is suffering the most. It's my little girl.

5. I remembered how I prayed to God and asked for his help. I knew that these were the answers I needed. I need to move on, let go and allow God to handle this for me, because I can't.

I talked it over with Andy and he told me to think about my decision for a day and then, if I'm still sure that it's the right thing to do, I can go ahead. Well, I've had time and this is my decision:

*Lili*

I am going to trust Dolf and Elsabe that they only want what is best for my daughter and that they will look after her. I would like to be able to talk to my daughter comfortably and see her whenever I go to SA. I want to be able to send her presents and know that she will get it and I want Dolf and Elsabe to stop worrying so that we can build up a trusting relationship where my daughter can feel she is not just an object worth fighting over.

*Xaynee*

I want to ask Johan that we share custody without me going back to SA. I am going to leave this up to him. Xaynee will never have the life of a normal child and I think she will not be disrupted as much if we can agree to let her stay with each of us for six months at a time. I think that in the long run it will be best for her as she will also be getting the medical treatment that she needs.

All I can do is hope and pray that this is going to work out ok and I am going to start focusing on getting well again, I need to.

I don't care what people think. I love my children more than anything and that will never change, but this is what I need to do.