Eina...

Baie tyd het verbygegaan vandat ek die laaste keer iets hier gepost het.
Soveel dinge het gebeur en my lewe en wie ek is het verander. Vanaand het ek 'n punt bereik waar ek geweet het dat ek dit nie meer kan hou nie. Maande van seerkry en dit wegsteek het finaal hul tol geeis.
Dis half twee in die oggend, ek le op die bank en huil saggies vir die eerste keer in 'n baie lang tyd.
Ek het seergekry...

Nadat ek en Andy uitmekaar is het ek gedink ek sal nooit weer vertrou of iemand kan lief he nie. Tot vandag behoort 'n deel van my hart aan Andy en hy weet dit. Ek skuld hom soveel en ek hoop regtig dat hy ook sal aanbeweeg en eendag gelukkig sal wees. Hy verdien net die beste.

So paar weke gelede het daar iemand in my lewe gekom...

Dit was op chat. Facebook van alle plekke. Aanvanklik het hy nie werklik 'n indruk op my gemaak nie. Tot onlangs.
Ons het skielik ge'click'. Of so het ek gedink. Dit was als soos 'n droom...
Vir die eerste keer in my lewe het dit gevoel asof iemand my verstaan, regtig verstaan. Ons lewens het selfs ooreengestem en ons het dieselfde dinge gedink. Vir my het dit gevoel asof ek my sielsgenoot gevind het.
Maar daar was 'n probleem.. Hy is getroud.

Mense kan my oordeel, ek besef nou dat ek 'n fout gemaak het. Ons het ontmoet en ek het vir hom lief geraak...

Hy het gese hy wou al lankal skei, het my oortuig met beloftes en stories en uiteindelik my vertroue gewen.

Ongelukkig het ek uiteindelik besef dat sy hart nie aan my behoort nie.
Tog... Hy sal vir ewig in my hart bly, selfs al voel ek seergemaak en kwaad.

Net nog 'n paar trane en 'n bietjie tyd...

Die hartseer sal verdwyn, ek weet.

Road to Nowhere

Sometimes I wake up in the mornings and I have that old feeling of my life having no meaning.
Usually I then think back of how far I've come but it's just no use, I know I can't do it anymore.
People may say whatever they want, I give up. I gave too much of myself and even put my life in jeopardy to keep up this fight, I got nowhere in the end.
Thousands of rands and millions of tears later, I can't do it anymore.
Don't think I don't care though, my heart is breaking as I'm typing this and I can't hold back the tears but I realised that I'm not living anymore, I'm slowly dying...in so many ways.
I don't expect anyone to understand the pain of living with only memories and a few photos of my two little girls but I tried my best and I just can't afford it financially to keep fighting.
Nor can I continue putting my health at risk as I have been doing ever since these court cases started.
I will always love my two little angels and I can only hope that one day they will know it :'(

Sensing that it's the end

Today, a year ago, I must've been the happiest girl in the world. It was the day Andy came to SA to meet me. It was the most amazing feeling, knowing that this guy learned to love me enough to travel halfway across the world just to meet me. It felt unreal...
The day I finally saw him for the very first time I felt so comfortable. I knew that I would love him for the rest of my life, he used to say the same.
A year has passed and things have changed.
Ever since I came back to SA we started drifting apart. Every day that passed, I could feel him slip away a little further. It wasn't his fault, I'm mostly to blame and I am more than willing to admit it.
He hasn't admitted it yet, but I can sense that he doesn't want to continue with this relationship and I can't and will never blame him coz he probably put up with more than anyone I ever knew before could ever manage.
He supported me through my court cases and he was there for me and cared for me while I was ill, I will never forget what he did for me but I want him to be happy and that is why I will let him move on without putting up a fight.
He deserves all the love and happiness in the world for being such a wonderful, caring and loving person.
I will always love him though, just as I always have.

The past few weeks...

I thought it’s about time for me to update my blog since I haven’t been around since I’ve been back in SA.

Yeah… So a lot has happened and I’m not really sure where to start.

As I’m sitting here, I’m not only sad but also a bit depressed and very stressed…oh and angry!

So what happened in the end is that on 7 October when Xaynee was supposed to receive her Botox injection, they didn’t give it BUT they continued with an operation. I have no say apparently. I was sad that I couldn’t be there for my little girl and it broke my heart to think of the pain she must have been going through while I wasn’t even allowed to visit her in hospital. I hate Johan more than ever.

Since then I’ve seen my lawyer and the social worker who works with my lawyer on cases like this. I told them about the possibility that Johan might not be Xaynee’s father and they told me that we should get DNA tests done.

It’s expensive and I have to pay for it but I’m having it done coz after I took a walk through memory lane and did some calculations I’m about 99 percent sure that Johan ain’t Xaynee’s father. I guess in a way I always knew but I blocked it out because of my fear for Johan.

In the end I decided to make the appointment for the tests coz that’s the easiest way to get Xaynee back and then I’ll have sole right to take her out of SA. I also found out LeRoy’s surname is Van Rensburg from his old work and they gave me his ID number. At least now I’ll have something to give Xaynee if she ever wants to track him down.

Here are some photos of me and Johan with Xaynee and one of Lili and Xaynee with Johan’s other children, Melani and Rone.

I can only hope and pray now but these photos reassured me as you can clearly see that Xaynee looks different, but then again…you never know and the doubt is gonna eat at me for the next week.

Lili… I just don’t know what to think or do anymore. I don’t even cry anymore. It’s just like a physical pain whenever I think of her so at the moment I’m trying not to think about her at all.

When I phoned last Thursday she did speak to me but she sounded like a different child. She wasn’t my enthusiastic and happy little girl anymore. She said she doesn’t like school anymore and she sounded monotonous. She wasn’t the excited child who spoke to me over the phone just before I left Guernsey who used to remind me to bring her cellphone anymore and I know that there is something not right about all of this. Two weeks before that Dolf answered the phone and said I should phone in a few minutes coz he was at work. I phoned again later and he was still at work so he told me to phone his wife’s number. When I phoned his wife she said that Lili was asleep already so I asked Elsabe what time I could phone the next day and she said at 4pm. When I phoned the next day at 4pm Dolf answered and said I could speak to Lili the next Thursday so I got angry and said to him that it wasn’t my fault he wasn’t home the previous night and he said it wasn’t his problem and he put down the phone on me. I phoned again and Lili answered and shouted at me that she didn’t wanna speak to me. That broke my heart.
I didn’t phone the week thereafter and only phoned again last Thursday when she finally spoke to me.

Well, I’m not gonna go into my feelings or what this is doing to me. I’m still only keeping this blog in the hope that it will open people’s eyes about how this fucked up law system in South Africa is ruining the relationship between a mother and her children but I swear, as I always said…I will never stop fighting.

Back in SA

I'm sitting here, not sure how I'm feeling. To be honest I don't even know where to start coz such alot has happened since I've posted anything here. I'm not even sure why I stopped but I think it had alot to deal with the fact that I had to accept in the end that I was gonna have to come back alone and I had to deal with that.
I think it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Leaving Guernsey behind and walking away from Andy on Heathrow broke my heart and I cried about it for days beforehand. I started playing WOW again to get my mind off what was really going on around me. I remember sitting there in fron of the PC for hours just playing and in the end I actually started enjoying it after I met some SA people.
Then the most unexpected thing happened. I woke up at 2 AM on the 1st of September and I was lying in hospital. I had no idea how I got there or why I was there. The nurse I called wasn't much help either and all I could remember was being in a wheelchair begging Andy not to leave me there. The next morning Andy phoned me and told me that I started acting strangely the day before after I'd been sleeping for about 2 days non-stop. I still had no recollection of what had happened and was shocked when Andy, his mom and Mathew visited me later that day and told me how I had behaved. Apparently I shouted at Andy that I hated him after we arrived at the hospital and I laughed about it and I called Mathew an asshole. Till this day we still don't know what caused it but I wanted to get out of hospital as soon as possible so I acted like I was all well and after a blood transfusion I was released but it happened again and I kept Andy up for a whole night while he had to work the next day. That time I could recall what had happened though and I tried to explain it to them.
It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I couldn't move at times, as if I just had no strength and I found it really difficult to explain to Andy if I needed anything. At times I could only say things in Afrikaans and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't translate it. I got better after a few days though but had to stay a little longer as the doctor felt I wasn't fit to travel. Again I focused on playing WOW and Andy even started helping me out and enjoying it. I finally made peace with the fact that I had to go back alone but I knew I was still not well although I didn't say anything.
I eventually left the UK on 20 September. I can still see Guernsey from the air as we took off but leaving Andy there on Heathrow was heartbreaking. We both cried as he held me one last time and I made him promise to get me back there as soon as he can. I knew I had to go and I never felt so torn between what used to be my home and what I've come to accept as my new home. I had to come back, not only coz of all the immigration laws and crap, but also to fight for my children.
The night I arrived at JHB International and I saw the lights I knew that this was not my home anymore and even though I was glad to see my parents I was instantly reminded of why I hate this country so much when I got into 2 arguments within the first 15 minutes I've been back.
First because the 'person' behind the counter where I had to exchange my pounds into Rand had such a shitty attitude when she told me that I had to prove that I had a SA address before they would exchange my money and secondly when the 'person' we asked for help when the machine at the parking area took my dad's ticket but didn't let us out, didn't help my dad and I eventually had to get out and sort it out. I just wasn't used to this kind of treatment anymore but I had to learn to get used to it very quickly or I was either gonna end up murdering someone or GET murdered by someone.
Well I've been back here for 2 weeks now and I hated every minute but I've seen both my brothers and I met my oldest brother's new girlfriend as well. When we visited them my brother told me that he's read some of my blog and that kinda kept me from posting anything for a while I think coz I didn't really expect that but on the other hand I'm also glad that someone in my family knows and understands what is going on and both him and his girlfriend supports my point of view. I was a bit scared about meeting her at first because I have such a hard time getting along with people, especially women, but she's one of the better people I've met and I think that although she is still very young, she is probably the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. When I saw her the first time I wished Lili could be there, I just know she's gonna love her. My other brother is still his normal crappy self although I'm a bit worried about him. His wife is pregnant now and I'm not sure if that was the right thing to happen to them, I never saw him as being a father even though my children love him and he was also the one who always protected me I am sorry, but I can't stand his wife and I think most of my family feels the same way. We just don't say anything, well not yet anyway but I've learned that things like this tend to come out in the end. I just don't like the way she treats him but I actually dislike her for the way I heard she treated my dad but that's another story and not my business.
Then there's the whole issue with my children which has been going all but well. The first thing I did after I arrived back in SA was to see my lawyer because I was so unhappy about the fact that I could only see my children under the supervision of a social worker. I could handle doing it that way with Xaynee, but driving all the way to Bloemfontein just to see Lili for an hour under supervision was a bit too much for me so the lawyer said they'll see what they can do about that. They got a private social worker who works with them on cases and she was gonna contact the social worker in Bloemfontein to reach an agreement but I knew when I phoned Lili last week on Thursday that things was NOT gonna be that easy.
She was crying as she told me that she didn't want to speak to me. This was the same child who was so excited about seeing me just 2 weeks before, who reminded me of bringing her cellphone and who laughed and joked around with me. I knew something wasn't right.
The next thing I did was to get a protection order against Johan to keep him from coming here and causing trouble at the retirement village again. I mentioned his threats and behaviour and was granted a protection order that prohibits him from making any contact with me. It was served on him on Thursday. Luckily by then the social worker who is standing in for Magda (who for fuck knows why is still on the case) already arranged for me to see Xaynee on Friday.
When I arrived at the CMR's offices and saw Johan again I almost didn't recognise him, but when I saw my little girl I knew it was him. I immediately tried to talk to her but he attacked me and said "shut up and wait for your turn". I knew then that he got the protection order and almost laughed as I turned to the social worker and greeted her. He was so pathetic and he must have picked up on the fact that I felt no fear, not anymore. As the social worker led me out to another room I knew that I had to stay strong and for the first time I knew that it was Andy's love that gave me the courage not to be afraid or be intimidated by him.
I saw Xaynee for only 45 minutes but I was so happy and to see her smile as she hugged the huge dog I bought her for her birthday almost drove me to tears but I was determined not to cry. What really made me sad was seeing Xaynee so neglected. Her hair was dirty and she smelled terrible but at that moment it didn't matter. The social worker was really nice and even left the room and as she walked outside Xaynee turned around and ran into my arms to be picked up. She was a bit heavier than I remember and not much taller but she hasn't learned any new words and what really made me upset is the fact that I'd been informed by the social worker that she was going for a Botox treatment on 7 October. This would've been fine and I would've agreed that it's the right thing to do but then I noticed that her right leg has also started becoming spastic. I just can't see how they can treat only one leg and this also means that her condition got worse during the ast 6 months. She is in need of serious medical treatment, something me and Andy can provide in Guernsey, but my child is being deprived of that now. The commissioner of child welfare at the court in Pretoria North also told me that the doctors didn't need my consent to administer the Botox treatment. I had to accept that even though this is not how I understand the law but there isn't much I can do about it. So I contacted my lawyer again and she said that their social worker will be back on Monday and we will sort it all out.
Another phone call to Lili on Thursday made me even more upset when she picked up and said "I don't want to speak to mommy" and the phone went off in only 4 seconds. It just doesn't make sense and it was almost as if I was listening to a recording. 4 seconds is also a very short time for a child to answer a phone, say that and then put the phone down because when I did it myself it came to no shorter that 6 seconds. The tone in her voice also wasn't right, almost as if she recited it.
I contacted the social worker who was given to me by ISS as a contact person and she wasn't even there so I told me lawyer all of this and now I can do nothing but wait untill Monday.
I guess it's the stress that's been getting to me because I've had some strange spells again like the other night Andy and I was chatting on MSN the one moment and the next moment I felt so ill I couldn't move or even shout for my parents to come and help me and he had to phone them to come and help me.
People keep telling me that they don't know how I've been keeping myself together through all of this and this is the funny part... Yeah I had Andy to support me through most of it and I built myself up to become a much better person than I was before I left SA but that is all psychological. I never thought that my health could be affected by all of this so badly and not being able to talk to Andy most of the time is not helping. I can act like everything is ok like I always do, but I can only do it for so long and I really don't know for how much longer I'll be able to keep this up.