Thinking of giving up...again

Everything is starting to get to me. I just don't know how mush more of this I can take. I phoned the social worker who is working on Xaynee's case and she told me that Johan had the right to withhold my right to speak to Xaynee if it upsets her. So I told her but I had a right to speak to her and that made no difference. So I told her how Johan is trying to manipulate me and that he isn't considering what is best for Xaynee, only for himself and she said that I'm doing the same because I said that I had a right. This is all just so wrong!

I told Andy that my court case is the 30th of June and that I can't choose him above my child, I have to go back. He's upset and I've been crying the whole morning. I didn't even sleep last night, I just don't know what to do and this is breaking my heart. What am I going to do when I get back in SA anyway? I'll be in the same situation. I won't have money or a place to stay and the court won't give Xaynee back unless I do.

There might be a way for me to get the court case postponed. If I get a letter from my doctor stating that I am undergoing medical treatment, I can use that, but on the other hand...I still don't know what is going to happen once I get back to SA and I don't know if I'll be able to afford a lawyer yet.

I'm really getting to the point where I feel like saying "Fuck this, I give up!"