Feeling better

The steroids seem to be working because I have alot more energy and I'm even gonna go up to Andy's work tomorrow so I can spend a little more time with him.

I'm really proud of him and he is happy in his new work, that makes me glad :o)

Tonight I spent some time with Andy's gran and Mathew and we were playing some game I never saw in South Africa, it was fun because I've been keeping to myself alot lately and Mathew and I are also back on speaking terms after we've sorted out most of our issues.

I'm feeling less depressed as well since I made my decision to let go a little bit of my situation.

There is no use in crying the whole time, I am going to focus on getting healthy for the time being because I have a future and there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view either, in the end, whatever happens...nothing will change the way I feel about my children and even though I feel that there were alot of people who conspired against me, one day it will be their debt to pay.

I will also continue in telling my story and I will add extra bits and pieces to it as I remember them. I need to do it, it's just my way of accepting my past and moving on. I need to do it for Andy's sake, actually I should have done it a long time ago.

I am thinking about leaving the choice up to Johan, if he decides to allow his jealousy and obsession to cloud his mind...in the end he's gonna be the one to deal with his conscience. I can offer and provide Xaynee the love, care, and medical treatment she deserves and I will never keep her from seeing her father. I am just not the type of person who will take revenge. If Johan wants to take that away from my little girl, so be it. I can't fight against South Africa's laws and corrupt justice system, that doesn't mean that I am not going to get an attorney and go to court, but if I can't bring her here then Johan will be the one depriving her of a decent future.

As far as Lili is concerned, I haven't really decided yet. All I know is that I want my little princess to be happy and whatever happens...I will make sure she is just that before I'm making any decisions.

It's time for me to start focusing on what I have and that is a wonderful, loving and caring man who will do anything to make me happy. I want him to be happy too, because after all he's helped me with and all the support he has given me, I haven't done much to make him feel that I'm thankful. He has given me a chance and he saw in me the person I forgot I can be. He accepted me unconditionally and I want him to know that I will do whatever I can to make up for the second chance at life he has given me.

It is not always easy for me to talk to anyone here and expressing my feelings is even harder because I'm not english but Andy is the one person who just seems to understand without me even having to explain. I wish I could convince him to start fighting for visitation rights for his daughter, I would love to see and meet his little girl and I would really like for her to be a part of our life together. He just seems so hesitant. He doesn't really talk about it and he's convinced that it's going to be hard and I can understand that he might feel scared. He just doesn't want to get his hopes up and then get disappointed, but I have a very strong feeling that he should start dealing with that part of his life too. I know he is going to read this eventually and I hope he won't be upset with me. I just think he's already proved that he can act responsibly if he's got the motivation to do so. His past and everything that goes with it shouldn't keep him from seeing his daughter, I hope he understands that I am feeling really strong about this.

Anyway, I read a quote a long time ago...

„Just because a person made mistakes, that doesn't make him a bad person.″

I mentioned this to Andy tonight and he agreed, as I think anyone will do.

I've made many mistakes, but I learned from them and it made me the person I am today.

I just want my baby to be happy and if you're reading this...

Baby, I love you and thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for understanding and accepting me and thank you for being who you are because you made me the person I am today xxx