This is just CRAP!!!

I promised myself that I wouldn't let this upset me so much again, but I'm just getting fed up and I am REALLY frustrated.

I will NOT break down though and I WILL keep fighting.

Not much reason to ask why I'm feeling this way again, is there? There is only one answer. My children.

I phoned Johan earlier so that I could speak to Xaynee. He said that she's asleep because she has got flu. Once again, I accepted it calmly. Then he asked me when I'm going to phone him again to talk about the living arrangements with Xaynee and I told him, it's no use because he just keeps fighting. I asked him what he wants then and he said that he wants to know what it looks like over here and how I'm living because he isn't going to send Xaynee to me if he doesn't approve.

I thought, well ok fine, I'll even send him pictures. Then he started accusing me that I never really cared about Xaynee. An old issue we used to have because we used to fight about it alot during our relationship. I told him the same as I always did, that they didn't allow me to be the mother I wanted to be and I even admitted to making some mistakes, all people do. I told him that I only want what is best for Xaynee and that I would like to make up for my wrong doings in the past, I am only human.

I told him that Andy's mom used to be a nurse and that Xaynee would be well looked after. That set him off again and he started shouting at me that he will NEVER allow Andy to raise Xaynee. He was going on and on about how Andy swears at him over the phone and he even brought up the night he phoned Andy, after he discovered in my sms's to my mom that Andy was in South Africa. I still remember it very clearly and Johan was standing there in front of me as he phoned Andy and they had this huge fight over the phone. Johan then took my phone and wouldn't allow me to contact my mom. I was terrified and he threatened me, I had to stay calm. Andy finally sent an sms to my phone that he was going back to Guernsey on the next flight out and that calmed Johan down. I knew I had to get away, I needed to but I didn't know how. Johan had my cellphone and we were living 40km outside of Pretoria. Eventually I convinced Johan that I needed time on my own and he agreed to drop me off at my parents house. He gave my phone back the next day, I knew Andy wouldn't leave and he in the meantime contacted my parents and told them who he was and what was going on. I couldn't use my WAP because I didn't want to arouse Johan's suspicions. My parents went and picked Andy up from the hotel and I met him there afterwards. I had never felt so safe or relieved in my life as I did at that moment.

Ok, to go on with what happened, so I tried a new approach and asked Johan if he would still feel the same if I wasn't with Andy, but with someone else. He didn't really know what to answer and then said that he wasn't going to send Xaynee and he started shouting, so I just told him goodbye and put down the phone.

It's still the same old story, only thinking about what HE wants.

Now Lili's part...

I know that the social worker had an appointment to go and talk to them at 14:00. I couldn't use the phone until 20:50 SA time (19:50 here) and after the third try, Dolf picked up. I asked if I could speak to Lili and he said she's sleeping and he shouted at me that it nine o' clock in the night, I corrected him and said it is ten to and he just kept shouting then put down the phone.

I was furious.

While I was in SA, I remember calling even later than that. I did mention it to the social worker that I want to change the times because it is a difficult time for me to use the phone, but she said that Dolf says it fits Lili's routine best.

What the hell am I supposed to do?? Can no one see how spiteful he is being? Or is it me?

Just another day I wasn't allowed to speak to my children...