Confession about Xaynee

I've been sitting here in front of the computer for a while now without doing anything really except listen to a few Afrikaans songs. I then read a few blogs and it got me thinking again.

I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing, but lately I just couldn't care less about posting here anymore. Last night it bothered me though, because I know that it helped me to get rid of all of the frustrations and anger and sometimes hurt I feel inside.

I don't really care who reads here or what they think to be honest, I'm just me...being honest and true to myself and about what I am feeling inside. People are very judgemental unfortunately, and that is something I tend to fall victim to easily as I am hurt so easily by words. Andy and I used to chat to this woman from Australia on that mobile site back then before we actually met for example. We were such good friends until Andy and I broke up and this woman turned on me because Andy then had a short relationship with another Australian woman who was her friend. When Andy and I got back together and she read in my old blog about my plans of leaving my children behind in SA and coming to Guernsey, she told me straight that I was a bad mother and so did other people. It was never easy and I had to learn not to let what others think affect me so much.

I'm typing here, but I'm afraid that today I'm not going to make much sense as my thoughts are jumping from one to the next again.

I spoke to Lili on Thursday again, so all is going well with that. I'm more worried about what the hell is going on with Johan. I phoned on Thursday to speak to Xaynee and he said she wasn't with him, she was with his mom. I asked if it would be ok if I phoned on Friday and he said it was. I asked him about the noise in the background and he admitted that he was in a pub, drinking. Then he said that I'll have to phone between 12:00 and 13:30 SA time because he is taking Xaynee back to his mom. Obviously something is going on here. I know he's got the new girlfriend now, so his 'concern' about Xaynee is not what it used to be. It is just so obvious, to me at least that he had been using Xaynee to get to me, but now that doesn't matter anymore because he has found a new supply source for his sick narcissism.

I thought about keeping this out of my blog, but since I've been honest so far and this will bring more perspective on to just how sick a person like Johan can be, I decided that I am going to tell you.

Back in 2002 when I first met Johan at work, we were only together for a few months until he basically told me to take my things and go. So I did. This happened in December 2002 and it was exactly at the time that Lili was supposed to visit Dolf in Kuruman. I decided to visit Kuruman with her and I stayed with Dolf at his parents' place. We actually had a good time and I even went with him to his year-end function. Something happened during the first night we went out though...

I met a guy in the night club we visited whose name was LeRoy. I don't even remember his surname anymore but I ended up going home with him after Dolf got jealous, which he had no right to. Needless to say, this was to me nothing more than a one-night stand, or so I thought at the time. LeRoy was engaged and I knew there were no chance of us ever being together even after he came to visit me at Dolf's parents' house after that a couple of times. Dolf obviously figured out that there was more between me and LeRoy than I was letting on and after I went back to Pretoria with Lili and eventually ended up moving back in with Johan, he also told Johan about me and LeRoy.

Johan wasn't supid and he checked my cellphone and saw LeRoy's number and that he had been phoning me. LeRoy even bought me airtime at times and I truly missed him, but I had to let go eventually. We both had to. He became a memory I knew I could never let go, of a blonde boy with the most stunning eyes I'd ever come across until I saw Andy's dark blue eyes :)

I never claimed to be an innocent young girl and I used to be a rebellious teenager, I wouldn't change a thing about my past though, I learned most of what I know today through the mistakes I made.

Back to LeRoy...

This is the part where it becomes complicated. In May 2003 I found out that I was already 20 weeks pregnant. I was stunned.
Then I made the calculations....

I wasn't with Johan when I became pregnant, and he knew it. He kept asking me if I slept with LeRoy, even until just a few days before I came here. I just couldn't admit it, I was too scared and he knew it.

Fact is, it is highly improbable that Xaynee is Johan's child.

To add to the fact fact that I was away from Johan for almost the whole of December 2002, Xaynee has blonde hair and green eyes and those that have seen her photo will know, she is very light skinned. Johan has got a very dark skin, although he is 'white' (not being racist) and both his other children has that same dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes he's got.

I know that genetically anything is possible, but this is something I never thought of until Andy mentioned it to me again. I told Andy everything about myself and he even knew that I did contact LeRoy afterwards and told him that there was a possibility that Xaynee was his child. He was still engaged to the same girl and he souldn't care less about Xaynee and asked me what I wanted from him. I was hurt but left it there and told him that I just think he ought to know.

I never spoke to LeRoy again, but I remember something about him mentioning something about going to the UK, but this was in 2005.

In the meantime, Johan kept asking me about me and LeRoy for the whole time of our relationship. He didn't consider this when he expected me to register Xaynee at home affairs though because he told me to register her in his name and with him as being her father, even though we both knew what the truth was. He knew that I would submit out of fear.

Maybe now you will understand why it's so important for me to get Xaynee back. Johan had been using her because he was so obsessed with me and he didn't think of what the consequences were going to be. He may say that he loves her, but this man knows absolutely nothing about what love really is. My child deserves so much more.

This is where it comes to my parents. I am still not sure whether it is because Xaynee is Johan's (or so they assume), or because of her disability that they never accepted her. My personal opinion is that it is because of Johan.

This is what angers me the most about my parents. I wonder sometimes if they would have treated her better if I'd been honest from the start. What would they do if I told them now?

This is the thing about being raised the way I was. You just don't talk to your parents about sex or anything related to it and that is exactly what brings situations like these on. This child is being treated badly for me making the mistake of being too scared to be honest about it with my parents because THEY raised me this way.

My Mom Called Him A Parasite

She was right. I hate to admit that I was wrong, but it's true. It always sounded so cruel and I actually believed at one stage that my mother just didn't want me to be happy. Little did I know back then that it was not myself thinking or talking. He imprinted this in my mind...very slowly, but people like him know exactly what they are doing and how to get what they want. I was young, ignorant and blind. I was afraid of labelling him as a narcissist, I always looked for the problem within myself. Even that was another tactic he used, he did it so easily. I believed him when he said that I had a problem, that I needed professional help. At some point I was so desperate that I even begged him to take me to see someone, he never did and now I can see why. It all seems confusing when you look at it this way, but I am aiming at working through my experiences one by one by taking everything that I have learned and using it so I can understand that what happened to me was not entirely my fault, and hopefully show others just how easily something like this can happen to anyone around them. People like these feed on you, they use you and they manipulate you. They need you, so they isolate and control you. They turn you into an empty shell, destroying everything that used to be a part of you and they only allow enough into your shell for them to feed upon whenever they feel the need. They are cruel, heartless people who show no regard for anyone's feelings.

Things on my mind

I went for my ultrasound today. I was shocked to see just how damaged my liver really is and according to the doctor I have severe cirrhosis of the liver. I'm still waiting for them to get back to me about my blood tests.

Andy is really worried and I am feeling kinda guilty, I know he never really expected to see me like this.

I'm a bit upset with something his mom said today, but maybe I'm just being over-sensitive. She knows that Andy and I had a row with his brother and his girlfriend about the whole racist issue. Today she made it clear just how much she likes Andy's brother's girlfriend. I'm not bothered by the fact that she likes her, I just thought his mother would be more considerate. Andy has also started to talk to his brother again, I just can't forget what they said and I don't like his girlfriend. I won't pretend.

Another thing has been playing on my mind...

My parents.

Since that day I asked him to help me get Xaynee back and he replied in not so many words that I should go back and sort it out myself, I haven't heard from them. I did tell my dad that I was sick, he hasn't even bothered asking me how I'm doing.

How am I supposed NOT to be angry, sad and hurt?

At least I had the chance to talk to Xaynee tonight :o)

Just plain fed up!

It's times like these that I tend to wonder 'Why me?'

Yeah...It's just another 'I am feeling sorry for myself' blog entry.

Everything just seems to be going wrong with me at the moment and I'm really getting stressed.

It started when Andy's mom noticed that I'm looking yellow this morning. Then it hit me and I just wanted to cry...NOT AGAIN!

I should've known really, I know the symptoms by now... The tiredness, the nausea, loss of appetite, water retention, then the yellow colour...everywhere.

In 1996 I had jaundice for the first time. The doctor ran a few tests but didn't really bother with it. In 1997 I had it again, only this time I was placed under quarantine in the hospital for two weeks. They did every possible test they could, but they couldn't tell me what was wrong with me and it cost my dad a fortune. In 1998 my dad took me to a Homeopath who couldn't tell me much except that my lives was badly damaged. He treated me and after that I was fine until I had jaundice again in 2000. Once again the doctor had no idea what was wrong with me. After that, I gave up going to the doctor even though I had jaundice twice. The problem was that I tested negative for every hepatitis they tested me for, like hepatitis A, B and C. In 2004 I started going yellow and the jaundice was followed by water retention, People thought that I was pregnant, I looked terrible. Finally Johan took me to the hospital. I knew something was seriously wrong because I had never been that sick before. It was a state hospital, we didn't have a medical aid. To my surprise, the doctor diagnosed me and I had a name for my illness.

Auto-immune hepatitis.

In short, my immune system attacks my liver. It is genetic and can't be cured but it can be controlled by steroids. The doctor gave me a 6-month supply of steroids but by the time I had to go back, Johan couldn't care less about my illness and never took me to see the doctor again. I did get jaundice again after that. but it never got as bad as it did back then.

Now, for some reason, it came back and I'm feeling sicker by the day. The pain is terrible and I'm always tired. Andy's mom made an appointment for me to go and see the doctor on Tuesday. Fortunately I told Andy about my illness even before we met and he always promised me that he would get me treated over here. Somehow I just feel that he doesn't realise that it is going to get alot worse than this. I'm also feeling guilty, I didn't want this to happen over here.

The other thing that has really upset me is that I sent my dad an email this morning, asking him to go and see the Commissioner of Child Care at the court that took Xaynee out of my care. I asked him to inform them that the social worker is ignoring my emails and that Johan won't allow me to talk to Xaynee now because I refused to give him money.

My dad sent me a long reply. I should've known that it would happen... He told me that he understands that I'm sad because I can't talk to my children but that I should keep in mind that I'm dealing with two people that have no respect for the law or anyone else i.e. Johan and Dolf. He told me that he doesn't know what my agreement regarding Xaynee entails (as if I wouldn't explain everything) and that Dolf only has Lili in his care because the court needed to remove her from the danger i.e. Johan. He told me that Dolf is going to try to prove to the court that I wasn't exercising my parental responsibilities, because I left the country and didn't inform the court that my circumstances regarding Johan had changed and that the danger wasn't there anymore. He also said that I should go back and get an attorney and get my children back and THEN make a decision regarding my future. He reckons that Andy and his family would feel the same way.

I was angry and I cried.

Doesn't anyone understand? I replied my dad's email and told him to drop everything.

To any person out there, it would sound like my dad is right. Problem is, he doesn't know shit!

So why am I really so angry?

Because my dad only changed his attitude when I asked him to help me with XAYNEE. My parents never accepted her. Whether it's because of her disability or because of who her father is, I don't know and I don't care. My child doesn't deserve the treatment they always gave her. Even Andy could see how cruel my mom was with Xaynee. It's wrong. I've never hated my parents or blamed them more than now. I'm not the type who blames others for my own wrong-doings and I know that you have to suffer the consequences of your own actions, but maybe if my parents cared a little more and maybe helped me all the times I phoned them and asked them to get me and my children away from Johan, I wouldn't be in this situation.

It's so easy for them to tell me to get an attorney, they don't realise that it can and probably will cost me in the region of about R50 000. I'm not allowed to work over here and I can't exactly expect Andy to give me the money, even though he would if he could.

I'm trying everything I can and we're trying to save as much money as possible, what do people expect me to do?

To make it even worse, I'm really sick and probably won't be able to leave the island even if I wanted to.

I don't know...everything is closing in on me. At the moment I can't even think straight, due to my illness. I get dizzy and confused and I can't do much more than focus on getting better for now I guess.

Thank you mom

I was talking to my mom earlier tonight. Although I've never been very close to my mom, it always seems to help me to talk to her whenever I feel a little bit down.
She's the type of person who inspires you to do things, she's honest and she also critisizes truthfully.

Tonight she inspired me to get back into my fight. She always helps me to see things in a different light and tonight I decided...fuck this. I won't let them get me down.

I WILL get my daughters back, I don't care what it takes and I think I might have found a way. I hope to God that I am right and maybe I will write later how this came about.

Tonight Andy's words of way back then echoed in my head when he said "nothing is impossible".

I will fight, for my daughters, for my family, and for what is right.