My Story Part Six

I can remember many arguments that turned violent. Most were about Lili.

At first I even gave my best as far as his children were concerned. I bought them clothes whenever I bought Lili clothes, I spent time with them and played with them. Until I realised one day that I was fighting a losing battle.

I always blow-dried Lili's hair, she has the most beautiful hair and I loved doing it. So I tried doing the same for Johan's girls. Then one day the oldest one told me I shouldn't do it because her grandmother says it doesn't look nice. I gave up right then and there. Johan's mother also treated Lili as though she never were a part of them, it made her sad and she used to cry about it sometimes when I put her in bed. How could I explain to my daughter that it wasn't her fault and that this woman was just plain rude?

I realised later on that it was jealousy. Lili is a beautiful child. I know that any mother would say that about her children, but people have actually stopped me in shopping malls to stare at her. Johan later admitted that he was jealous of her, his children wasn't as pretty as she was, and he made her pay for that by treating her the way he did.

During our relationship, we had alot of trouble with getting Dolf to pay maintenance. The visits didn't go very smoothly either and we had to go to Kuruman twice to get Lili at our own cost. Dolf simply refused to bring her back.

The last time was in December 2005. I wanted Lili back before Christmas, Dolf threatened me with the welfare and court and everything until we finally just got in the car and went to Kuruman. When we got there, he wouldn't let me take Lili and I had to talk to the social worker first. This was a different social worker than the one who originally opened a file though.
I was shocked when she showed me a written and sworn statement by Johan's mother that I had said Lili could stay until January. I told them I never said it and that I wanted my child.

When we confronted Johan's mother, she said that the kids, that is Johan's kids, had said that but she omitted that fact in her statement. I was angry, I never spoke to Johan's mother again after that.

Shortly after that I started writing blogs on a mobile site and I also started going into chat rooms. It was my way of escaping my reality and I could write anything I wanted in my blogs, without the risk of having people like Johan and his mother reading it and using it against me.

I met Andy on that same site, at the time I thought I was crazy to fall in love with a person on the other side of the world, but we grew closer than I think either of us realised. He supported me and gave me the hope and strength to go on when all I wanted to do was to give up.

Johan found an sms or two from Andy on my phone. I had to explain and I did. I told Johan that I didn't love him anymore...then he became obsessed.

A week or two before Lili had to go to Dolf, Johan started an argument with me and he stormed up to me and Lili. I wanted to protect her, so I did the first thing I could think of...I threw cups at him. I missed though.

Andy knew about every single incident that occured. I never lied to him and always told him the truth, what I didn't know back then was that he was also going through a difficult time.

After Lili was gone, Johan and I had another fight. This time he took Xaynee and left. After all the threats that he was going to take her away, I didn't know what to think. My face and neck was badly bruised and I phoned the police. I was hysterical, all I had was Andy to calm me down. The police arrived and I begged them for help, I also wanted to open a kidnapping case. They went to speak to Johan's mother, I heard how she told them that I had a mental problem and that I was out of control so Johan just 'took the kids to safety'. The police just left and told me to phone them when Johan gets back. I could scream. Why wouldn't they listen? Why wouldn't they help me?
Johan's mother was standing there, calling me a whore, told me I was crazy and she was being all smug about it.

I had to get away.