In my mind I have been struggling with a question about whether what I'm doing is right.
I woke up this evening and the first thought that crossed my mind was that I needed to go back to South Africa.
I felt guilty.
I lay there, trying to convince myself that it's not the right thing to do. I looked for reasons to justify my being here and not with my children while a voice in my head kept telling me to go back...that it wasn't so bad...that I'll be with Xaynee...and that Johan might be telling the truth...maybe he can and will help me to get Lili back.
I felt torn. It felt wrong that I was happy without my children and I cried.
No one understands the pain. The emptiness where you once felt the love of your children. The constant battle and the dead-end streets.
I love my children more than anything and I will give my life for them, it hurts not to have them here with me but it's my own fault.
All I've ever wanted for them was the best that life could offer, but it wasn't in my hands. When I begged for help, no one listened and now I'm paying the price for the mistakes I made.
How was I to know?
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