After taking a break...

As you can see, I took a break from life on the web for a while. I needed to get some kind of direction in my life again, but in the meantime quite a few things happened.

On Thursday I went to work with Andy so we could spend a little more time together. We've both been working on other ways to get more money in and that caused us to be spending alot less time together than we used to. I had to phone Lili from Andy's cellphone, although I didn't have much hope that she would answer after the way things have been going. I was sitting in the corner of the pub and when the cellphone said 19:00, I phoned Dolf's house phone. To my surprise Lili answered with an excited: "Hello Mamma!". We were talking for a while and I told her that I would bring her a few DVD's because I know she loves watching movies, what bothered me though is that twice during our conversation i sounded as if another phone was being used to listen in on our conversation. After the second time that I noticed this, the phone cut off. I tried to phone again and Dolf picked up and started shouting at me that I could phone Lili after 20:00. I was confused until Andy told me that it was in fact 19:00 in SA, apparently the cellphone's time was wrong. It was an honest mistake and I really didn't deserve to be shouted at like that. This is the type of behaviour that Lili sees coming from her dad and it is just wrong. I phoned again after 20:00 and told Lili that my time had been wrong on my cellphone and that it was an honest mistake, she didn't seemed too bothered about it though and just continued talking and she reminded me about her cellphone lol even Andy heard and understood because I had her on speakerphone. She said that she'll speak to me again today, so we'll see what happens later when I phone.

I phoned Xaynee earlier and she is really getting so cute over the phone. I can make out more and more of her words now and it looks like the speech therapy is finally paying off. I still think that she will be better off here where she will get one-on-one treatment and not like there where she is just another child in a class full of children. I really miss my little angel and sometimes I wish that I could just have her here so that I can take her to the beach.

Things have been going better between me and Andy lately and I've also been spending some time with his mom. My health also seems to be improving and I think that most of the symptoms I've been experiencing lately was caused by the new treatment, but my system have adapted to it now and I really hope that it will work so that I can stop using the steroids.

I've been working hard at cleaning up the house during the past two weeks that Andy's gran has been away. They'll be back on Sunday but I'm not really looking forward to it because Mathew gets to me. I didn't realise how nervous he made me until they were gone and I noticed that I was more relaxed.

Yesterday Andy's mom said something that got me upset all over again. The whole issue about me 'not doing anything around the house' was raised by her again. This is a long story but basically it comes down to Andy's family thinking I'm lazy because I haven't really been doing anything around the house since I came here.

This is a difficult issue for me and although I did suffer from jet lag and I had to adjust to the climate and then I became ill, it never had anything to do with me being lazy. The first time this was brought under my attention, I was really shocked and almost disgusted by the way they had been going about talking behind my back. I was raised differently in that aspect, I suppose. If you haven't discussed something with someone first, don't even dare talk about the issue about that person with me because that person has a right to know first. I don't go about talking about people behind their backs and if I have something to say, I say it, which caused people over here to regard me as being too abrupt. I don't care though.

I was raised to respect people, and with that also their way of life and their belongings. When I came to live here, it was difficult for me to 'place myself' and I was scared. It wasn't my house and I tried to do things the way I would have in SA, but even these people and their culture differ from us. For example, I would feel offended if someone came to live in my house and change or clean certain things in their own way. It gives you that feeling of 'not being good enough' for this person. That was my issue when I came here to be honest. I was so afraid that I might offend anyone that it seemed easier to just back away. Trying to make people understand this isn't easy though and I'm really upset about the fact that even Andy's mom never told me the truth about how his gran felt, not until yesterday that is. It is only AFTER I started doing things out of my own, mostly because I felt comfortable with no one being around, that she told me. I have to admit that I didn't really have the energy to do the things I have been doing lately when I first came here, but now I'm scared of how I'm going to keep doing things once his gran is back and everything is back to normal. I'm going to feel uncomfortable, that's just the way I am.

More bad news

Andy woke me up this morning. His first words was "You'll be surprised at what I read."

I was wrong.

He read my blog and he's hurt. I didn't know what to say and I'm still not sure how I feel. All I know is that he's all that I have left and that I do love him. If I lost him that would take all my reason for keeping this fight up away. I'm not even sure if he's going to come home this afternoon and on the one hand I want to phone him and ask him to please come home, but I'm scared because I don't want to bother him at work.

I phoned the person I had to complain to about the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case earlier because it is almost the 30th and I need to know if they will postpone the court case for me. This person told me that he received my letter last week already. These people just never fail to surprise me. Why didn't he come back to me?! He just said that he still needs to talk to the social worker and that he will phone me back.

i then phoned Lili's social worker and was informed by the woman at the switchboard that the social worker is on holiday until the 10th of July. At this point you should please excuse my language, but WHAT THE FUCK???

So I asked the woman if there is another social worker who I could talk to and I was told that the other one is on sick leave.

There are only 3 things that you can do in a case like this: laugh, cry or get angry.

Tears and anger will get me nowhere, so I just chose to laugh. Then I phoned Xaynee and although she seemed kind of distant she sounded happy to talk to me.

Then Johan started on me again about maintenance. The more I try to explain to him that there is no way that I can pay maintenance unless I work because the court won't hold Andy responsible, the less he seemed to understand it. Next thing, he said that he is going to sue my parents for maintenance then. Before thinking, I broke down and just put the phone down after I told him that he and Dolf are the two cruelest people I've ever come across. He only replied that I'm the cruel one before I put the phone down. I realized later that he's not entitled to maintenance anyway unless he has full custody or is awarded anything by the Children's Court during the next court case.

I shouldn't have let him get to me, but I'm really sad about Andy and hurting him. I know I am being selfish, but it feels like I'm living in a trance where reality is just passing in front of my eyes and I'm not really part of it. I wish I knew how to pull myself together. I've done it before, I can't let it win me this time.

Second thoughts

I'm not even really in the mood to be typing here. I haven't slept all night and I'm depressed and sad. Everything is finally getting to me end I don't have the wiilpower to stop it any longer because I am just not happy.

I can go on for ages and explain how I'm feeling but I really can't be bothered anymore. As I'm mainly keeping this blog to keep record of everything as far as my shildren are concerned, I don't see the point in even complaining about it anymore.

Im just fed up to be honest.

On Saturday Dolf answered the phone and told me that Lili didn't want to speak to me. It was strange because I actually gave my parents time to phone her first, so I phoned them and asked if they remembered to phone her and my dad told me that Dolf kept ignoring their phone calls. He tried phoning again then from another number and Elsabe told my mom that Lili didn't want to speak to them either.

Last night I phoned again and Elsabe told me again that Lili didn't want to speak to me. I just put the phone down without saying a word. I phoned my dad and asked him to phone and he was told the same by Dolf.

Not much I can do about it except just send another email to the social worker. It's just frustrating because she isn't doing much to help me either and I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to see Lili when I go back.

I also told my dad the truth about Xaynee's paternity, but he seems to think that I'm lying about it. He's actually convinced that Johan is her father. Doesn't matter I guess.

Nothing really does.

My oldest brother finally contacted me after more than a year, which is about the only thing that I'm glad about at the moment.

The new immunosupressants the specialist has put me on is causing me to feel like shit, but at least I've got rid of most of the water retention and I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore.

I have finally come to realize that I am really unhappy. Andy and I have been slowly drifting apart and even though I know that he means well and probably does love me, I am starting to doubt that this is going to work out. He is on the computer most of the time when he;s at home, either playing games or doing something else, while I have started to turn my focus to just cleaning the house and doing ironing or watching movies...anything to keep myself busy. I've never felt so alone. He doesn't read my blog anymore either, so I really don't care care what I write in here and even if he does...at least I;m being honest.

The sadness is slowly tearing me apart, but I refuse to cry. Somehow I've found a way to supress all the physical and emotional pain I feel and I choose not to give in to the hurt and pain that goes along with giving in to tears. I just don't think I'll be able to pull through it. Not alone.

My dad sent me these two photos the other day after he got his computer working again, it made me smile for a while at least to see my two little girls when they were still so small.

The one of Xaynee (below) was taken when she was only about a year old and the one of Lili on the right was taken by my dad when she was three years old. It is his favourite picture of her because she was so angry. On the photo she has stones in her hand and the angry look was because my mom told her to throw the stones away before she could get back into the car.




Well, it's 5:30 am now and i'm finally getting tired. I'm actually suprised that I managed to finish this to be honest. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up.

Confession about Xaynee

I've been sitting here in front of the computer for a while now without doing anything really except listen to a few Afrikaans songs. I then read a few blogs and it got me thinking again.

I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing, but lately I just couldn't care less about posting here anymore. Last night it bothered me though, because I know that it helped me to get rid of all of the frustrations and anger and sometimes hurt I feel inside.

I don't really care who reads here or what they think to be honest, I'm just me...being honest and true to myself and about what I am feeling inside. People are very judgemental unfortunately, and that is something I tend to fall victim to easily as I am hurt so easily by words. Andy and I used to chat to this woman from Australia on that mobile site back then before we actually met for example. We were such good friends until Andy and I broke up and this woman turned on me because Andy then had a short relationship with another Australian woman who was her friend. When Andy and I got back together and she read in my old blog about my plans of leaving my children behind in SA and coming to Guernsey, she told me straight that I was a bad mother and so did other people. It was never easy and I had to learn not to let what others think affect me so much.

I'm typing here, but I'm afraid that today I'm not going to make much sense as my thoughts are jumping from one to the next again.

I spoke to Lili on Thursday again, so all is going well with that. I'm more worried about what the hell is going on with Johan. I phoned on Thursday to speak to Xaynee and he said she wasn't with him, she was with his mom. I asked if it would be ok if I phoned on Friday and he said it was. I asked him about the noise in the background and he admitted that he was in a pub, drinking. Then he said that I'll have to phone between 12:00 and 13:30 SA time because he is taking Xaynee back to his mom. Obviously something is going on here. I know he's got the new girlfriend now, so his 'concern' about Xaynee is not what it used to be. It is just so obvious, to me at least that he had been using Xaynee to get to me, but now that doesn't matter anymore because he has found a new supply source for his sick narcissism.

I thought about keeping this out of my blog, but since I've been honest so far and this will bring more perspective on to just how sick a person like Johan can be, I decided that I am going to tell you.

Back in 2002 when I first met Johan at work, we were only together for a few months until he basically told me to take my things and go. So I did. This happened in December 2002 and it was exactly at the time that Lili was supposed to visit Dolf in Kuruman. I decided to visit Kuruman with her and I stayed with Dolf at his parents' place. We actually had a good time and I even went with him to his year-end function. Something happened during the first night we went out though...

I met a guy in the night club we visited whose name was LeRoy. I don't even remember his surname anymore but I ended up going home with him after Dolf got jealous, which he had no right to. Needless to say, this was to me nothing more than a one-night stand, or so I thought at the time. LeRoy was engaged and I knew there were no chance of us ever being together even after he came to visit me at Dolf's parents' house after that a couple of times. Dolf obviously figured out that there was more between me and LeRoy than I was letting on and after I went back to Pretoria with Lili and eventually ended up moving back in with Johan, he also told Johan about me and LeRoy.

Johan wasn't supid and he checked my cellphone and saw LeRoy's number and that he had been phoning me. LeRoy even bought me airtime at times and I truly missed him, but I had to let go eventually. We both had to. He became a memory I knew I could never let go, of a blonde boy with the most stunning eyes I'd ever come across until I saw Andy's dark blue eyes :)

I never claimed to be an innocent young girl and I used to be a rebellious teenager, I wouldn't change a thing about my past though, I learned most of what I know today through the mistakes I made.

Back to LeRoy...

This is the part where it becomes complicated. In May 2003 I found out that I was already 20 weeks pregnant. I was stunned.
Then I made the calculations....

I wasn't with Johan when I became pregnant, and he knew it. He kept asking me if I slept with LeRoy, even until just a few days before I came here. I just couldn't admit it, I was too scared and he knew it.

Fact is, it is highly improbable that Xaynee is Johan's child.

To add to the fact fact that I was away from Johan for almost the whole of December 2002, Xaynee has blonde hair and green eyes and those that have seen her photo will know, she is very light skinned. Johan has got a very dark skin, although he is 'white' (not being racist) and both his other children has that same dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes he's got.

I know that genetically anything is possible, but this is something I never thought of until Andy mentioned it to me again. I told Andy everything about myself and he even knew that I did contact LeRoy afterwards and told him that there was a possibility that Xaynee was his child. He was still engaged to the same girl and he souldn't care less about Xaynee and asked me what I wanted from him. I was hurt but left it there and told him that I just think he ought to know.

I never spoke to LeRoy again, but I remember something about him mentioning something about going to the UK, but this was in 2005.

In the meantime, Johan kept asking me about me and LeRoy for the whole time of our relationship. He didn't consider this when he expected me to register Xaynee at home affairs though because he told me to register her in his name and with him as being her father, even though we both knew what the truth was. He knew that I would submit out of fear.

Maybe now you will understand why it's so important for me to get Xaynee back. Johan had been using her because he was so obsessed with me and he didn't think of what the consequences were going to be. He may say that he loves her, but this man knows absolutely nothing about what love really is. My child deserves so much more.

This is where it comes to my parents. I am still not sure whether it is because Xaynee is Johan's (or so they assume), or because of her disability that they never accepted her. My personal opinion is that it is because of Johan.

This is what angers me the most about my parents. I wonder sometimes if they would have treated her better if I'd been honest from the start. What would they do if I told them now?

This is the thing about being raised the way I was. You just don't talk to your parents about sex or anything related to it and that is exactly what brings situations like these on. This child is being treated badly for me making the mistake of being too scared to be honest about it with my parents because THEY raised me this way.

Been busy lately

I haven't been posting alot lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things for various reasons. Firstly, I thought that if I became more active in dong other things I would be less depressed, and it did help but I couldn't cope. The hepatitis got to me again and I started experiencing water retention that was so bad that I have trouble walking now. I even went to A&E on Monday because the specialist who is treating me wasn't on the island. The doctor on the hospital only gave me tablets to help for the water retention but it didn't help at all so Andy's mom phoned the specialist today and he said the water retention is being caused by the fact that I am on such a high dose of steroids, but that I should stop using the water retention tablets because it is only causing strain on my kidneys. According to him, I just need to lie down and put my feet up. I'm not very happy about that because I don't want to stay in bed, it's only making me depressed because I have too much time to think, but I have an appointment with him on Friday so we'll see what happens then.

I got to speak to Lili on Monday, although she sounded ok, I can still pick up on her being very uncomfortable and I'm getting a bit worried about that. She really does sound excited to see me in September and that makes me happy. What I'm even more worried about is that I sent the social worker an email after I couldn't speak to Lili on Saturday and I told her that I'm really getting worried about Lili. She replied that Dolf didn't show up for their appointment and that he didn't phone with an excuse either. She is having difficulty getting hold of them now. This really doesn't sound good, and September is getting close.

I should try and phone Xaynee, I suppose. I am just having difficulty doing it lately because it makes me so sad to talk to her and not know how much of what I say she actually understands. I also don't want to upset her, but I'm going to phone tomorrow.

Lately I've caught myself feeling guilty about things again that I know isn't really my fault. I feel guilty even for being in Andy's life. He doesn't have to put up with me being ill most of the time and having all this trouble with my children and everything. I think it's got something to do with my dad saying to me that I'm costing Andy alot of money, and to be honest...it's true. That's another reason I haven't been phoning Xaynee, because I feel guilty about the cost of the phone calls to SA. I really hate feeling like this, and what makes it worse is knowing that even if I was allowed to work over here I probably wouldn't have managed with my illness making every second day a living hell for me.

There are times I wish I could explain to someone what I feel like, but I doubt I'll be able to and anyway....there's just no point in trying to.

Father's Day

I wasn't always the little angel my daddy wanted me to be
Sometimes I made him angry
I even made him cry
I must have been a disappointment in so many ways
Knowing he had so many dreams for me
But it's too late now
I can't go back
But my daddy doesn't care
He taught me so many things through the years
My daddy's not a strong man
And he is getting old
But what I know about determination...
He showed me (unknowingly) to push through
Never to give up
I wish I could give my dad a hug today
Not just to say 'Happy Father's Day'
But also 'Thank You' for being who he is
I can use alot of nice words
But in my heart I know that I don't have to
My daddy will understand
He knows me well
Because I am my Daddy's Girl

*Ek is lief vir pappa*

xxx

Looking for a way...

This song describes so much of what I went through when I came here.

I'm not homesick, I'm just sad.

I translated this song for Andy before we met, didn't know back then what was going to happen or what it would feel like sitting thousands of miles away from my children and the place that I called 'home' for 25 years. It is unfortunately an afrikaans song, but some of these words are just so spot on with the description of what happened.

"Ek het jou dopgehou, met 'n jas in jou hand
Deur doeane gespook, na 'n nuwe land
Jou oe was natgehuil, maar jou hart was braaf"

It's strange, seeing the words and having these memories. I didn't have an easy time going through customs, after not being allowed on the plane the first time and then they had a problem with the fact that it was my first trip to the UK and the UK immigration rules are very strict.
I even had a coat with me, makes me smile. It was still hot in SA when I left, but I knew it would be cold over here so I took the coat with me on the plane. My sister-in-law actually gave it to me, she worked in England a long time ago and she told me that I would need it.
I didn't cry until I got on the plane, not even when my dad bought me a P.S. chocolate bar (I still have it) with the words "Ek is lief vir jou.", my dad later told me how proud he is of me for being so brave.
I didn't realize what he meant at first, but thinking about it now, I must have been brave. I left my country, my family, my children, and everything I had behind and I got on a plane and left to start a new life on an island I never even heard of until 2 years earlier. For someone like me that was a big accomplishment, after all, I hadn't made any of my own decisions for quite some time. The only thing that I was sure of was that I had someone who loved me who was waiting for me in England on Heathrow airport.

I wonder sometimes what the real story behind this song was.

Andy and I ofcourse hadn't seen each other for 6 weeks by the time I got to England. During that time this song reminded me of the time we took him to Brooklyn Mall and of how much fun we had together. He also wrote me a letter the night before he left, he had hidden it in my handbag. I still have it.

"Vir die eerste maand was my hart verniel
Oral waar ek kom is ek 'n derde wiel
Maar die tyd sal leer was ons woorde
Ek het jou lief, was jou brief
Jy's 'n poet my ding
Jy moet aanhou sing
Deur die internet praat ons gou-gou weer"

It actually used to hurt, and I mean HURT, whenever we used to speak over Skype or on the phone. I used to listen to this:



(not the original video) Far Away - Nickleback

...and it made me cry. I could hear his voice inside my head...singing this song to me, the way he used to. He's got an amazing voice and I used to stare at him whenever he sang anything to me, it took my breath away.

This song also had a very special meaning to us because of the way we kept loving each other even after we broke up the first time.

It was as though the words were especially written for us.

I'm just looking for a way to stay positive I guess. I've been crying so much tonight and I'm looking for something to hold on to because Andy is at work and his gran and Mathew left for America this morning, so I'm a bit lonely.

I tried to phone Lili earlier...

Elsabe told me she didn't want to talk to me. I didn't want to believe it, so I said to Elsabe I want to hear Lili say it, so I heard Lili say in the background that she didn't want to talk to me...



It hurt so much, but there was nothing I could do so I told Elsabe to tell Lili that I'll phone again on Monday.

I guess Dolf finally did it.

Not sure how to stay positive anymore. There's just nothing positive to see in the fact that my own daughter don't want to speak to me.

Still, I won't give up. I'll just have to hang on to the hope that one day she will understand.

I won't allow them to destroy me, I've come too far for that and I have a wonderful man to hold on to, I owe him my life and my love.



We waited for what seemed like a lifetime to be together and he may not be perfect, and neither am I, but he makes me smile. He's the one who gives me back my strength every time I want to give up and he's the one who keeps me safe.

Love is something you can't describe. It's like a soft breeze that makes your spirit fly, gentle enough not to remove you from what is important to you, it will not hurt you. Yet, it's strong and steady enough, like a rock, when you need something to hold on to when your days are filled with rain and thunderstorms. It won't let you down...and it never forgets.



I may cry a million tears, sometimes I don't and I just let the river of pain run through me...but it won't take away the love I feel in my heart for my two angel girls....

I just don't get it!

Well, it's the same old story...

Tried to phone Lili NINE TIMES on all of her father's different numbers and they wouldn't answer it. It's strange that when I phone Elsabe's number that they do actually ignore the phone call, but on his cell and the house phone they just don't answer.

Am I stupid or something here? Coz I just don't get why they don't want me to speak to my daughter. I never did that to him, so what is he trying to accomplish? Everything was fine when I spoke to Lili on Monday, she sounded ok and now I'm just worried and sad all over again.

Not a good time for that either to be honest.

At least I got hold of Xaynee earlier and I can hear that she really misses me. She sounded so sad, I could hear it in her voice and it just made me feel even worse. She needs me.

I just don't know. Things are just getting worse by the day now and I suspect that it may be my fault. When Andy came home this afternoon, he spent his time playing WOW on the PC. We don't get to spend much time together anymore because he had to go back to work at around 17:00. I was upset but kept it to myself and went to sleep after I posted my earlier entry from my phone.

I wish I could make everything right again. He doesn't really know how to handle the fact that it hurts me so much that I can't be with my children, but when I try to explain it to him it's like talking to a brick wall. I just don't get through to him. There were times while we were still just chatting, before we actually met, that I did pick up that he tends to do this but he usually got back to being himself again in a few days. It's not getting better though and neither am I.

I'm not even sure if I'm angry or surprised about the fact that Solf wouldn't let me speak to Lili, nothing surprises me anymore. I refuse to get depressed though, I'd rather not feel anything than sit and feel sorry for myself.

I was worried about it that I'm turning into this cold person again and I remembered that it's been days since I last cried. So I thought if I watched the video I made for my kiddiez, then just maybe I'll feel something. I didn't and I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

Andy doesn't deserve this really. He's always been there for me and gave me everything he could, how can I do this to him? I don't want to, but I don't know how to change the way I feel.

Worried

I've been worried for a while now about the way I have been feeling lately.
I mentioned to Andy the other night that it felt to me that we're drifting apart. He just feels so distant and I can't seem to get through to him any longer. He said in his blog that it was because he felt guilty for taking me away from my children and that it hurts him to see me so sad. Maybe it's just my own fault. I'm having thoughts about going back again and it's not just because it feels like I'm losing Andy. In a way I know that he isn't being completely honest and I'm hardly eyes wrong.
I really thought our love was strong enough to get through this, but I don't know anymore. . .

. . . T.h.O.u.G.h.T.s . . .

It was due to happen . . Should have known . . As it slips away . . I try to hold on . . Too late . . Let go . . Another try . . Another tear falls to the ground . . Ridding me of memories . . Maybe this time I will hide . . Try to forget . . Live in emptiness . . Emotionless . . Watch seconds tick by . . Hear the sound . . Like a heartbeat . . Once felt . . Now miles away . . Look away . . Watch the stars . . See the dark . . See me turn . . Into a shadow of the past . . I will blend . . Watch you every day . . My promise never to forget . .

My Story Part Thirteen

It was the most terrible 6 weeks of my life. Not only did I miss Andy, but Johan started taking control over me again to such a degree that it almost made me decide to stay there.

I was torn between knowing that I will have to leave my children behind and wanting to get away, not just to be with Andy, but also to get away from Johan. With every day that passed, my life turned into more of a complete hell and I had to pretend in front of Johan as if nothing was wrong. Somehow he had a feeling that something wasn't right though and that made his behaviour even worse at times.

I didn't want to risk telling him the truth about my plans, in a way I wasn't only afraid that he might get violent, but he also threatened me with Xaynee. I was also afraid that he might convince me to stay by manipulating me and intimidating me, today I'm almost sure I would've stayed if I told him.

I hated him, but he still convinced himself that I loved him and maybe that was my own fault. It was during this time that he contacted the social worker who is now working on Xaynee's case and asked her for her help. To keep him happy, I went to the first appointment and there he told the social worker that I'd met someone from the UK on chat (he never knew that I did in fact meet Andy while he was in SA, though I suspect he did), that I was unhappy, but that he wanted to work things out. I asked to speak to the social worker alone and then told her about Johan's obsession with me and that I was afraid of him. I told her that I didn't want to go back and that I was planning on leaving for the UK as soon as I get my passport. She seemed to understand and even stalled time for me by booking appointments weeks ahead to see me and she told Johan that I needed time. She then told me to write down my life story so she can help me deal with my problems. I did, but I only saw her twice after that and she didn't help me in any way.

Throughout this whole period, Johan used various manipulative tactics on me. To be honest, I've put off writing this part of my story for a while now because I wasn't sure about how much of what really happened I should mention, but at this stage I think I really need to deal with it, so I will go into most of the detail.

Johan had a way of making me feel guilty very easily. It therefore didn't take much of him to convince me into giving him what he wanted. He only really ever cared about what he wanted and needed, nothing else mattered.

He'd convince me to still do work for him (and with him) by telling me that he was on his own and that he had Xaynee to support etc. That made me feel guilty and I did whatever he asked, not for him, but for Xaynee. He never paid me, though I do remember that he gave me money once or twice, only to borrow it again at a later stage.

This frustrated me and he knew it. He used to take me out for lunch, but complain about money. It was ofcourse only a way of getting to spend time with me, which I didn't really want to do. It started getting worse when he tried to convince me to spend the weekend at the house because his kids were there. I didn't want to do it and after a fight on the Friday night that I spent there with them he finally took me home at 1 a.m. the morning.

The worst part of it all was the fact that he wanted sex. He actually told me that he would give me part of the profit he made if I agreed to sex, I cringed at the thought of having sex with him after being with Andy and I somehow talked my way out of it. I couldn't do that for long though, as he was getting suspicious and that was the last thing I wanted, I was scared, but I didn't want to give up seeing Xaynee until I leave.

One night Johan took me out to dinner and after a while I realized that the alcohol was really getting to me. In the car on the way home I fell asleep and when I woke up, the car was standing still and Johan had undressed me and was taking photos of me. He was already touching me and I knew that there was no way out, that if I tried to fight him he would get suspicious and probably hurt me. I wanted to die and when I got back home I told Andy everything, he deserved to know, but I couldn't take it anymore.

After this it only became worse. He knew he got what he wanted once and he knew that my fear would make me submit to do it again, I know that there were more incidents but somehow I managed to block most of it out. It was the only way I knew and still know of keeping myself sane. I'm still not sure what was really going on in his head. He used to say that I wouldn't give him sex if I didn't feel anything for him, while I actually did, but out of fear and nothing else. This fear wasn't just of being physically hurt by him, for the most part of it, it was about Xaynee. I don't really understand how he works things out in his head, but I'm convinced that he knew I wasn't doing it willingly and that he also knew that he had the power to control me.

I managed to get through this and I saw Xaynee the last time on the day before I left South Africa. I was meant to leave on the Saturday, but the airline didn't want to allow me on the plane due to some immigration rules. We had to book another flight for the Sunday night and as I was walking towards the plane, after I said goodbye to my parents, I sent Johan an sms in which I told him that I was leaving but I didn't tell him where I was going. I also asked him not to contact my parents.

As I was sitting on the plane, it all felt unreal and as the plane was lifting off, I knew my new life had just began. No more fear.

People who interrupt you

I am just so angry right now, I want to scream! This is totally unlike me but lately this has been getting to me. I am almost sure that I mentioned this in an earlier post but it just seems to be getting worse and maybe I am the one over-reacting here, I don't know. I know that I can't expect Andy to be PERFECT, but I really wish that he'd stop interrupting me when I am talking. To me there is no way of showing more disrespect than by interrupting someone while that person is talking. Maybe it was just the way I was raised. I remember how my parents used to discipline us if we interrupted them and maybe it just stuck. It is just that the way I see it, someone can't REALLY be listening to you if they have been thinking of saying whatever they interrupt you with. It just doesn't make sense and it makes me angry because I don't want people to PRETEND to be listening when in fact they are not. Just say you don't want to listen then.

Useless info about my day lol

I was feeling a bit better today, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I had the chance to speak to Lili last night. Although it makes me sad that I can't be with her, it always makes me happy to hear her little voice. I am trying not to let it bother me as much that she always seems to be uncomfortable and I pretend to take no notice because I think that makes it easier for her as well. I promised her that I will try to convince the social worker to allow for me and Andy to take her away for a short holiday, even if it's only a few days. She sounded so excited and she said she can speak a bit of english now. Now I only have to start teaching Andy some more Afrikaans. I haven't been able to bring myself to try to phone Xaynee again though. I do feel guilty, but it hurts so much to just think that I will probably not be able to talk to her if I do try to phone. I know I will bring myself to do phone eventually, maybe in a day or two. Today I went to the shops with FMIL and it turned out to be more fun than I expected it to be, we even forgot to pick up Andy lol ...It was also nice and warm today. For the first time I could actually smell the sea air as we were driving next to the beach and I can't wait for us to start going down to the beach. I really wouldn't trade this for the world, I just wish I could share it with my children and my parents.

My Mom Called Him A Parasite

She was right. I hate to admit that I was wrong, but it's true. It always sounded so cruel and I actually believed at one stage that my mother just didn't want me to be happy. Little did I know back then that it was not myself thinking or talking. He imprinted this in my mind...very slowly, but people like him know exactly what they are doing and how to get what they want. I was young, ignorant and blind. I was afraid of labelling him as a narcissist, I always looked for the problem within myself. Even that was another tactic he used, he did it so easily. I believed him when he said that I had a problem, that I needed professional help. At some point I was so desperate that I even begged him to take me to see someone, he never did and now I can see why. It all seems confusing when you look at it this way, but I am aiming at working through my experiences one by one by taking everything that I have learned and using it so I can understand that what happened to me was not entirely my fault, and hopefully show others just how easily something like this can happen to anyone around them. People like these feed on you, they use you and they manipulate you. They need you, so they isolate and control you. They turn you into an empty shell, destroying everything that used to be a part of you and they only allow enough into your shell for them to feed upon whenever they feel the need. They are cruel, heartless people who show no regard for anyone's feelings.

Feelings of Guilt

Something strange occured to me earlier today. I simply wanted to ask Andy to make me a cup of tea, as I wasn't feeling very well and I was in bed. My heart started pounding and I was just too afraid to ask him. He did notice that I wanted to say something and insisted that I just come out and say it. I was so afraid that it made me cry and I wasn't even sure why until I explained to him that I was afraid of what his reaction was going to be. He immediately understood what was going on inside my head and he said that he knows I am afraid that he may also change at any time and make me feel guilty for asking things, much like the way Johan and Dolf did. I know now that it was a controlling tactic that both of them used, cruel really, because it is still affecting me. I never thought that emotional abuse had so many aspects to it. By forcing myself to open up and face all of this, I have stirred up more emotions than I thought I would. I am remembering so many small details, which just goes to show that even a few words, said in a certain way, or a gesture, or even an insinuation can be used as bricks to build a prison which will isolate a person in order to control that person's life, feelings, and emotions.

Weekend happenings

I decided to go with Andy to his work on Saturday because I felt I had to get out of the house for a bit. I'm still having a really difficult time getting used to the people over here, so I just did what I usually do and sat at a table doing some writing.

It doesn't really bother me to be on my own and I actually prefer it that way, for the moment at least. I had to phone Lili at 20:00 though, but the shop at the garage didn't sell my network provider's airtime credit, so I had to phone from the payphone. I kinda lost it when they didn't pick up the phone and the answering machine came on, because I had 2 pounds credit and lost it all. I haven't lost my temper like that for a very long time. I grabbed my handbag and stormed off down the road, I didn't get far before I just sat down and cried.

I felt angry at everyone, even Andy. Sometimes I wonder where he gets the strength to put up with my mood swings, he just seems to forget about it and he never brings it up again afterwards. As I was sitting there, I couldn't believe that I was so negative at that moment, while just an hour before, I was writing about how positive I was feeling. I also knew that I was probably overreacting, but I felt so powerless and lonely.

I was trying to justify what I had just done, so I blamed Andy for just assuming that I was supposed to know how the phone works, same as he is assuming that I am supposed to know how everything else around here works. No one has to tell me how childish that sounds, and that is exactly where my problem of expressing myself comes in.

I was not only angry about the fact that I couldn't speak to my daughter (I refused to use more money), I was also angry because I know exactly what her father is telling her and I am completely powerless to prevent it. He is the type who will use one phone call that I skipped, like this one, to prove in court that I didn't really care about phoning. There is no way I can prove that I had just spent more than R30 in their currency to make a phone call which they didn't answer. Although I have been phoning from the house phone since Elsabe said that I am always phoning from a different number (a ridiculous statement, I mean how many people do they know who phone from the UK?), it just isn't always possible for me to be at home. I never get out and the ONE time I did, this happens. I phoned their house phone because it was a different number I was now calling from and I didn't want them to be able to use the same excuse again as Elsabe did before by the number showing on Dolf's cell. This is just one small incident, but they always find a way to manipulate it in their favour by making it so damn complicated.

As far as me not wanting to spend more money to make another phone call goes, even though Andy told me to, that is another issue. I'm still making the mistake of converting everything into Rand value. Due to the fact that I was living in circumstances which the average South African would judge as 'poor' ever since I met and moved in with Johan, money tends to scare me. Even though I was brought up in a normal, middle-class home, I grew accustomed to not having money and that is what is making it really difficult for me here. It may seem like a small issue to most, but it influenced my life a whole lot more than I realized at first.

I actually tried to post this yesterday, but had to save a draft because I was feeling really ill for some reason so I went back to bed. Later the afternoon I phoned Johan so I could speak to Xaynee and again he said she was asleep. I wasn't feeling very well and for the first time I really got angry at him. He's got this irritating habit of not listening to people properly which forces you to repeat yourself to him, so when I asked him when I could call then because he always has an excuse that Xaynee is either not with him or asleep, and he told me to repeat myself, I flipped. I shouted exactly the same as what I had said earlier over the phone, I was stupid and should've known what he was trying to do, because that was when he put the phone down on me. It took me a while to calm down after that.

I know I should never have allowed myself to get angry, he doesn't deserve my anger. The thing that really set me off was the fact that I didn't speak to Lili the previous day either and I wasn't feeling very well either. It's small things and I shouldn't allow for it to upset me this much, but it just goes on and on and on...

Sometimes I wonder what is going through Andy's head when he sees me like that, or when I take it out on him and it really isn't his fault. He's never blamed me or even brought anything up afterwards. I asked him about it and he just said that life is too short to hold grudges. A simple and very old saying, but I guess that sums it up. Whenever I'm upset he just gives me a hug and tell me it'll be alright.

There is nothing special about our relationship, it's just a normal relationship with ups and (sometimes terrible) downs, but that is exactly what makes it different for me. Having gone through two abusive relationships, I didn't know what 'normal' was and what I was used to is what I grew accustomed to as being normal in any relationship. It's almost sad when I look back at it now, the way I found it difficult to trust Andy when we met on the chat site even though he never lied and was just being himself, he just seemed too perfect. Normal was too good to be true for me and I didn't want to trust him or anyone else, I knew what I had to do and how to act and what to say with Johan to keep him from getting angry. Or so I thought, but I was wrong in so many ways.

I found it strange at first when people used to comment and say that they didn't know how I could cope. Maybe it was because I didn't know either, so I took some time this weekend to think about it and I came to a few very interesting conclusions which I will post about later.

I do appreciate every comment and I have received more support than I expected to be honest. When I started my blog I never even meant to read other blogs or planned on keeping track of other people's blogs, but I find myself doing it every day now. In fact, I never expected that anyone would read my blog because to me my story and my thoughts just don't hold any significance. I want to thank the following people though:

• Emil Jung
• Sting
• Wipneus

These people have each in their own way proven to me that there are more to life than what I thought when I first started blogging and as long as there are people like them around, it gives me enough reason to overcome my obstacles and keep fighting not only for what I believe in, but also for what is right.

Guernsey vs SA - Petrol pumps

I have been here for three months now and I am still amazed at how different things are over here. I just had to post this. I was waiting in the car in what appeared to me to be a closed-down petrol garage for my never-stop-talking future mother-in-law. I then realized that something didn't seem right, I knew for a fact that this garage was open because it is part of the shop where Mathew works. I took a closer look at one of the pumps and burst out laughing when I read the notice on it... PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS A SELF HELP SERVICE ...so F-M-I-L explained to me that you had to go inside to pay afterwards. I stared at her in disbelief and asked her whether people don't sometimes drive off without paying. She replied in a very matter-of-fact tone that it does happen, but that it is covered by the insurance. I just can't imagine ANYONE even TRYING to open a self help petrol garage in SA. It would run bankrupt within a month! I just love this place :o)

Letter to *HER*

That he'll be different with you? You two have things in common and he appreciates you 'for who you are'? Oh, he said that to me too, but you think he's different with you.
He's always there to lean on, he helps you and he knows just what you need and want. He's just so sincere, he even told you about his bad behaviour in the past.
Did he tell you how he slapped me? (I 'humiliated' him in public.)
Did he tell you how he also hit his ex-wife? (She provoked him.)
Yes he did...but hey we asked for it. He wouldn't be telling you if he hadn't changed, right?
He would never do that to you, because you're special.
So he takes responsibility for all his actions in the past now? BUT it was me who brought out his bad behaviour and you're different from me, he will not do that to you.
He will not HAVE to manipulate you into getting his own way, I was just being difficult and he had no choice. He will never have to beg for YOUR attention (Did he mention the first 3 years that I had to beg for HIS attention, before I turned 'all bad'?) Yes, he told you how his ex-wife just lay in bed reading books, never giving him or the children any attention, I know about that too. So you will never do that because you're different, he will not be cruel to you.
It doesn't matter to you that I'm hardly out of his life, and you're already in it. Abusers don't need YEARS of therapy, RIGHT? You're different, you'll support him and he won't abuse YOU.
He's had such a terrible life! You know...the part where his ex-wife left him on the night he took her out for their anniversary to be with another man, just cruel. . . and how I cheated on him behind his back for two years with a guy on the internet, how unforgivable.
It's just not possible that I could be SO emotionally unstable due to his abuse that I didn't care about anyone anymore. Well, did he tell you about the girl before me? Yes, the one who 'lost it' and ended up being treated in a mental institution for 6 weeks, guess we BOTH had a problem, right?
I bet he's already told you that the real reason for me treating him so badly NOW is because I am jealous of YOU and that I even said 'It will never work'...so you're going to 'prove me wrong', right?
We just didn't appreciate him, not with all of the suicide attempts he had to put up with, we put the poor guy through hell. You're nothing like that ofcourse, you're SPECIAL.
And so what that he was cruel to my little girl, so cruel that I lost care of her because of him, she was a spoiled brat anyway and he was getting back at me, that just makes it fair doesn't it? I mean he really adores his own kids and he's just a WONDERFUL father! Me and his ex-wife were both just bad mothers, so we 'left him with the kids'. Besides, the man you know won't do anything bad, he is just too sensitive and he's different with you.
He will never deliberately hurt you or use your family or friends against you, no, I must've brought that out in him.
Oh, he's been seeing a therapist because I left him and he's a wreck? He couldn't possibly be using it as a cover-up because his reputation looked so bad!
And he didn't deliberately go about to look for an intelligent, active women so he could punish them if they didn't direct ALL their energy towards him, or for a woman with a strong sense of responsibility, one he could manipulate to feel responsible for his sick feelings. No, this behaviour is in his past and he will not do that to you, you're special!
You have seen his tears...his oh-so-vulnerable side, that MUST mean he's sincere, right?
Yeah...sure he's made some mistakes in the past (we drove him to it), but it's in the past and he deserves forgiveness, but MY mistakes and my reactions to his abuse is absolutely unforgivable. Anyway, you are not like me and he won't think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. I mean you're special and he REALLY loves you!
And if you one day did 'trigger' his bad behaviour and he says it's because you did something that reminded him of ME, well...then you'll change because you are different and you will be the woman he 'deserves', but he's not trying to change you or control you, he wouldn't do that to you, because you're special.

Thoughts on walls

I really am starting to get the idea that I have way too much time on my hands.

At least I spoke to both my children today, so I have no reason to feel depressed or sad. Johan is still going on about getting maintenance out of me, I have learned to not get upset about it. It's better to just take things one step at a time.

Lili seemed more like her normal self tonight and it was good to hear her laugh. That's all I really want, for my children to be happy.

My head's a mess though and I wish I knew how to sort myself out. I've been thinking alot about how my relationship with Johan used to be and I think that is what is getting to me. Can't really stop myself from thinking, the thoughts just comes into my head.

I still have so much anger inside me and I should really find a way to deal with it.

I always used to say that I just want to be the girl I used to be before he came into my life. Guess that won't be possible though. Too much has happened and it changed me in more ways than I thought. I don't like the things I used to like any more and I don't have the self-confidence and self-motivation that I used to have. Very few things excite me and I have a very difficult time focusing on finishing something.

It's as if these bad memories keep creeping into my head, absorbing all that is positive and destroying it in the process. You see, telling my story the way I am doing right now in all the different parts was like telling you about a tree, it's name, where it's growing and about all of it's surroundings. I may have mentioned some major storms and cold winters that this tree had to grow through, but it's the little things that I did not mention which really made that tree what it is. It's the deliberate deprivation of water, which that tree found so essential, and the breaking of it's small branches...the ones no one ever noticed which made that tree weep whenever it rained, because it was too proud to allow people to see what it has become.

There are so many small things that people just don't understand and I've never been good at expressing myself, so sometimes I just feel like I'm talking to a wall. Walls generally don't talk back, unless you've either got a very active imagination or are psychologically a bit over the edge. I just can't see myself talking to people if I can't make them understand the way I feel. People just don't see things the way I see things, never have, never will.

Lost

I hate this feeling. I remember experiencing a similar feeling when I was a little girl. I got lost and as I was wandering through the people, looking for my mom, I thought it was just a bad dream and that I was going to wake up soon. The more I searched, the more I started to panic and I started to cry. The only difference now is that I don't cry anymore. I also know that this is not a dream.

My Story Part Twelve

After we took Lili back, me and my parents visited family in Prieska. We used to live there while I was a little girl and my dad's family is from there.

I had alot of time to think during that week and it was then that I also decided that I needed to get my life sorted out. I knew things were never going to work out with Johan and that I had no future with him. I knew that I could never love him. I sometimes hated him for the way he treated me and I continuously blamed him for the fact that Lili was taken out of my care.

Andy and I continued our relationship via the internet and although it wasn't always easy, we both wanted the same thing in the end. A relationship like that is different in so many ways, and looking back at it now, I think that is exactly what gave me the strength go get through everything. It does depend on compatibility ofcourse, but somehow Andy and I understood each other.

I trusted him completely, which is something that I am not normally capable of doing. I told him everything. My phone was with me 24/7 and it actually irritated people like my parents (and sometimes Johan, but strangely enough he didn't seem to care so much). I learned how to literally multi-task and Andy knew about every detail of my day as it was happening. I knew the same about his, and this is also how he knew about the way Johan had been treating me. Andy explained to me that it wasn't normal (by that time I was really getting worried about myself) and he opened my eyes about what was really going on.

This is the sad thing about abusive relationships. People tend to think it's all about the physical abuse and that is where they are so wrong. I realized then that I was being emotionally abused on a daily basis. All the signs were there all along, but I was always looking for the fault within myself. I didn't even love Johan and I sometimes had the courage to tell him that (although I didn't realize it, he did make me pay for every time I 'hurt' him by saying that), but I couldn't get out. He knew it and he loved it. He knew he had total control over my whole life and that there was nothing I could do to change that.

If it hadn't been for Andy who slowly made me believe in myself again, I doubt I would've been able to make it through. He finally decided to come to South Africa for no other reason than to help me get away. It made me more nervous than excited. I was scared.

As I mentioned in another part, we were sharing a house with friends who also had a baby. We couldn't afford our own place to stay and that is why we shared. I think that helped in a way because it distracted Johan. His parents now had foster care of his children and we had Xaynee with us. We lived on a smallholding 40km north of Pretoria, and the owner liked Johan. Things didn't go well with the friends-sharing-house business though. They had just as much relationship trouble and the girl, who was only 21 was not only drinking alot (they both did), but she sometimes totally lost control. She one night attacked Johan and I think that although I then started objecting to having her there, I also understood her behaviour. I saw myself in her, although I had more self-control (well, most of the times), and her behaviour was due to the frustration locked up inside of her from being emotionally abused. They finally moved out shortly before Andy came to South Africa.

I started planning on leaving. I was really scared and it took alot of reassurance for Andy that everything would be fine. I had so many mixed emotions about what I knew I was about to do and knowing that I was going to have to leave Xaynee behind with Johan made it worse. I just couldn't take it anymore and I kept looking for reasons to justify my actions.

As the days went by, I couldn't find the courage to tell my parents that Andy was coming. I thought they were going to think that I'm crazy for falling in love with someone I met on a chat site and who I never met. I started hinting at it with my mom a few days before Andy arrived and the night before he arrived, I sms'd her and told her about my plans.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Johan then found the sms's on my phone and how he reacted, but once I was at my parents' house, I knew everything would be fine.

We spent the most magical two weeks together and my parents loved Andy.

Some days we just stayed in the hotel and talked for hours, but we also went to Warmbaths and we showed him around Pretoria. We spent alot of time with my parents and I knew that I had met the person I want to spend my life with when my dad said to Andy one night "I want to thank you for making Renata laugh again".
I applied for my passport and after Andy left on 24 January, not only the waiting, but also more trouble started with Johan.

I never went back home, but Johan wasn't about to let me go.

So he's finally moved on...

I'm feeling really guilty. I know I've been shutting Andy out lately, but whenever I try to talk to him, he just doesn't seem to understand.

I am constantly thinking. Mu whole life is revolving around getting my children back, but all the thinking has also made me realize that this is going to be even harder than I thought.

My day just started out bad as I phoned Johan to speak to Xaynee this morning and he said she is in school, but immediately said that he wants to talk things over first. I asked what he meant and he started going on about me paying him maintenance again. He actually sneered at me and told me that it's not about him wanting me back any more because he 'has someone else' now, which explains why a woman answered the phone when I phoned yesterday.

I really couldn't care less, I know what he is trying to do and I'm definately not stupid. I will admit that I am a bit angry at the way he is doing this and still demanding money from me in order for me to talk to my daughter. Just goes to show that he has got a serious problem. He asked if he should contact a lawyer regarding maintenance and I told him to go ahead, because I don't have an income. It's not as if I choose not to, but he just don't get it that I'm not allowed to work over here.

It still shocks me every time to see how stupid he can be, and I am not being nasty here. He really is. I mean, which part of 'not recieving money pending the inquiry' into the Children's Court proceedings doesn't he understand? And he actually told me today that I CAN pay maintenance because my 'fiance' (and he added here that this is what I said to Magda in my email to her, which again proves her breach of confidentiality), is receving an income. He really believes that, although it's not true.

I'm starting to think that he really does suffer from some personality disorder. To be honest, all the signs are there and that just makes me even more suspicious. I never even thought about it up until recently, but it's all just adding up.

He really is living in his own little make-believe fantasy world, he's never wrong and never have been and he's got one very highly selective memory. That's only to start with.

It suits me fine that he seems to forget one single very important aspect as far as Xaynee is concerned. Something I thought I'd never use against him, but he's not only pushing this a little too far, I am also having my doubts regarding how stable he really is.

Even after I left him and came here, I kept looking at myself for mistakes. Maybe becasue everyone always used to blame me and told me I got myself into the situation, I had to sort it out. The social worker made this worse by also choosing to support Johan, even after I told her most of the details about our relationship. I really thought it was my fault, and every time Johan accused me of being a bad mother for leaving, it got to me.

I've allowed far too much for far too long. I know what I have to do now, but when and how is the question.

Paar gedagtes van die klip af

Vir die eerste keer vandat ek hier is, begin ek wonder of ek die regte ding gedoen het. Dit voel bietjie agteraf dat ek hierdie nie in engels doen nie want ek weet hy verstaan min van my taal maar ek wil ook nie regtig he hy moet weet dat ek begin twyfel nie. Ek mis my kinders ontsaglik baie en ek weet ek is depressief. Ek praat met niemand meer nie en ek is nie lus om enigiets te doen nie. Ek kan met alle eerlikheid se dat hy niks minder is as wat ek nodig het nie en niemand het my nog ooit so gelukkig gemaak nie, maar dis net nie genoeg nie. Ek voel soms skuldig en wonder wat mense dink want ek weet hoe dit wat ek gedoen het moet lyk, maar aan die ander kant...mense oordeel maklik sonder dat hulle die feite ken of eers omgee wat die feite is. Slegte gewoonte, hoorse, en baie uniek aan SA. Ek weet dat ek geen normale lewe sal he as ek sou teruggaan nie en ek twyfel of ek my kinders sal terugkry, maar ek voel hartseer, kwaad en magteloos. Dis waar wat hulle se dat fisiese mishandeling nie die merke los nie, emosionele mishandeling doen dit. Wat dit erger maak is dat ek nie daar in SA hoef te wees nie. As iemand eers so houvas op jou het, is dit virewig deel van jou lewe as daar kinders betrokke is. Dis die mees subtiele en wreedste manier om iemand te vernietig.

Just a few notes

I need to sleep. I should be really. I just can't because I can't stop thinking. I tried to phone Xaynee and a woman answered the phone. As I am, I was friendly and asked her if I could speak to Xaynee. I don't know who she is but she was rude and told me I will have to phone back later because Xaynee is not with them. I asked what time and she replied that I could phone tomorrow morning. I don't know what to think and I am not in the right state of mind to even comment. I phoned the social worker about Lili, she took a note and later emailed me and told me that Dolf couldn't make it for the appointment with her and told me to keep her up to date. I did manage to speak to Lili, but I am really worried. She is ill, but she wasn't herself either. My mom phoned after me and noted the same thing, so I know that I am definately not paranoid. It has been a bad day for me and I feel guilty because I am taking it out on Andy, and he's only trying to help. I know that it's the lack of sleep that's causing me to feel like this but I just have too much on my mind and the steroids ain't really helping. I am trying really hard to stay strong but it gets to me sometimes. I won't give up though. I can't, I got this far and giving up would be a rather stupid thing to do.

Early morning complaining. . .

I need to complain and since it is half past four in the morning and everyone is asleep except ME, my blog will have to do. It is going to have to be a one-sided conversation though, otherwise I might just seem a little loopy and chase readers away lol Ok.. so back to my complaint. Let me start by explaining that I live on a rock where it hardly ever gets dark outside (which is why I never sleep anymore) and where people have no idea what a butternut is. I have a terrible craving for Spur Salad Dressing (you know the pink one...yeah!), but I am NOT willing to pay the equivalent of R60 for a bottle. It is bad enough that I pay almost R30 for a box of 40 Rooibos teabags. I hate the meat over here and the Fanta Orange tastes crap. I mainly live on pap (note: I never liked it that much) with tomato and onion sauce, sandwiches, and vegetables. I am cold 90 percent of the time and I would SO like to have a sosatie right now. These people have never seen a patty pan, a gemsquash, or a guava and probably never will. NOW... tell me again who is the one from the THIRD WORLD country? I like to moan sometimes, so when you see a post like this...just pass ok? It is just a way for me to get the time over. Ek is eintlik net gatvol vir al die engelse kos en persoonlik dink ek meeste van die mense is onnodig buierig, bederf deur hulle regering wat skatryk is en hulle waardeer niks. Oraait, so hier van die klip se kant af hoop ek julle daar in SA geniet julle week :o)