Looking for a way...

This song describes so much of what I went through when I came here.

I'm not homesick, I'm just sad.

I translated this song for Andy before we met, didn't know back then what was going to happen or what it would feel like sitting thousands of miles away from my children and the place that I called 'home' for 25 years. It is unfortunately an afrikaans song, but some of these words are just so spot on with the description of what happened.

"Ek het jou dopgehou, met 'n jas in jou hand
Deur doeane gespook, na 'n nuwe land
Jou oe was natgehuil, maar jou hart was braaf"

It's strange, seeing the words and having these memories. I didn't have an easy time going through customs, after not being allowed on the plane the first time and then they had a problem with the fact that it was my first trip to the UK and the UK immigration rules are very strict.
I even had a coat with me, makes me smile. It was still hot in SA when I left, but I knew it would be cold over here so I took the coat with me on the plane. My sister-in-law actually gave it to me, she worked in England a long time ago and she told me that I would need it.
I didn't cry until I got on the plane, not even when my dad bought me a P.S. chocolate bar (I still have it) with the words "Ek is lief vir jou.", my dad later told me how proud he is of me for being so brave.
I didn't realize what he meant at first, but thinking about it now, I must have been brave. I left my country, my family, my children, and everything I had behind and I got on a plane and left to start a new life on an island I never even heard of until 2 years earlier. For someone like me that was a big accomplishment, after all, I hadn't made any of my own decisions for quite some time. The only thing that I was sure of was that I had someone who loved me who was waiting for me in England on Heathrow airport.

I wonder sometimes what the real story behind this song was.

Andy and I ofcourse hadn't seen each other for 6 weeks by the time I got to England. During that time this song reminded me of the time we took him to Brooklyn Mall and of how much fun we had together. He also wrote me a letter the night before he left, he had hidden it in my handbag. I still have it.

"Vir die eerste maand was my hart verniel
Oral waar ek kom is ek 'n derde wiel
Maar die tyd sal leer was ons woorde
Ek het jou lief, was jou brief
Jy's 'n poet my ding
Jy moet aanhou sing
Deur die internet praat ons gou-gou weer"

It actually used to hurt, and I mean HURT, whenever we used to speak over Skype or on the phone. I used to listen to this:



(not the original video) Far Away - Nickleback

...and it made me cry. I could hear his voice inside my head...singing this song to me, the way he used to. He's got an amazing voice and I used to stare at him whenever he sang anything to me, it took my breath away.

This song also had a very special meaning to us because of the way we kept loving each other even after we broke up the first time.

It was as though the words were especially written for us.

I'm just looking for a way to stay positive I guess. I've been crying so much tonight and I'm looking for something to hold on to because Andy is at work and his gran and Mathew left for America this morning, so I'm a bit lonely.

I tried to phone Lili earlier...

Elsabe told me she didn't want to talk to me. I didn't want to believe it, so I said to Elsabe I want to hear Lili say it, so I heard Lili say in the background that she didn't want to talk to me...



It hurt so much, but there was nothing I could do so I told Elsabe to tell Lili that I'll phone again on Monday.

I guess Dolf finally did it.

Not sure how to stay positive anymore. There's just nothing positive to see in the fact that my own daughter don't want to speak to me.

Still, I won't give up. I'll just have to hang on to the hope that one day she will understand.

I won't allow them to destroy me, I've come too far for that and I have a wonderful man to hold on to, I owe him my life and my love.



We waited for what seemed like a lifetime to be together and he may not be perfect, and neither am I, but he makes me smile. He's the one who gives me back my strength every time I want to give up and he's the one who keeps me safe.

Love is something you can't describe. It's like a soft breeze that makes your spirit fly, gentle enough not to remove you from what is important to you, it will not hurt you. Yet, it's strong and steady enough, like a rock, when you need something to hold on to when your days are filled with rain and thunderstorms. It won't let you down...and it never forgets.



I may cry a million tears, sometimes I don't and I just let the river of pain run through me...but it won't take away the love I feel in my heart for my two angel girls....