My Story Part Thirteen

It was the most terrible 6 weeks of my life. Not only did I miss Andy, but Johan started taking control over me again to such a degree that it almost made me decide to stay there.

I was torn between knowing that I will have to leave my children behind and wanting to get away, not just to be with Andy, but also to get away from Johan. With every day that passed, my life turned into more of a complete hell and I had to pretend in front of Johan as if nothing was wrong. Somehow he had a feeling that something wasn't right though and that made his behaviour even worse at times.

I didn't want to risk telling him the truth about my plans, in a way I wasn't only afraid that he might get violent, but he also threatened me with Xaynee. I was also afraid that he might convince me to stay by manipulating me and intimidating me, today I'm almost sure I would've stayed if I told him.

I hated him, but he still convinced himself that I loved him and maybe that was my own fault. It was during this time that he contacted the social worker who is now working on Xaynee's case and asked her for her help. To keep him happy, I went to the first appointment and there he told the social worker that I'd met someone from the UK on chat (he never knew that I did in fact meet Andy while he was in SA, though I suspect he did), that I was unhappy, but that he wanted to work things out. I asked to speak to the social worker alone and then told her about Johan's obsession with me and that I was afraid of him. I told her that I didn't want to go back and that I was planning on leaving for the UK as soon as I get my passport. She seemed to understand and even stalled time for me by booking appointments weeks ahead to see me and she told Johan that I needed time. She then told me to write down my life story so she can help me deal with my problems. I did, but I only saw her twice after that and she didn't help me in any way.

Throughout this whole period, Johan used various manipulative tactics on me. To be honest, I've put off writing this part of my story for a while now because I wasn't sure about how much of what really happened I should mention, but at this stage I think I really need to deal with it, so I will go into most of the detail.

Johan had a way of making me feel guilty very easily. It therefore didn't take much of him to convince me into giving him what he wanted. He only really ever cared about what he wanted and needed, nothing else mattered.

He'd convince me to still do work for him (and with him) by telling me that he was on his own and that he had Xaynee to support etc. That made me feel guilty and I did whatever he asked, not for him, but for Xaynee. He never paid me, though I do remember that he gave me money once or twice, only to borrow it again at a later stage.

This frustrated me and he knew it. He used to take me out for lunch, but complain about money. It was ofcourse only a way of getting to spend time with me, which I didn't really want to do. It started getting worse when he tried to convince me to spend the weekend at the house because his kids were there. I didn't want to do it and after a fight on the Friday night that I spent there with them he finally took me home at 1 a.m. the morning.

The worst part of it all was the fact that he wanted sex. He actually told me that he would give me part of the profit he made if I agreed to sex, I cringed at the thought of having sex with him after being with Andy and I somehow talked my way out of it. I couldn't do that for long though, as he was getting suspicious and that was the last thing I wanted, I was scared, but I didn't want to give up seeing Xaynee until I leave.

One night Johan took me out to dinner and after a while I realized that the alcohol was really getting to me. In the car on the way home I fell asleep and when I woke up, the car was standing still and Johan had undressed me and was taking photos of me. He was already touching me and I knew that there was no way out, that if I tried to fight him he would get suspicious and probably hurt me. I wanted to die and when I got back home I told Andy everything, he deserved to know, but I couldn't take it anymore.

After this it only became worse. He knew he got what he wanted once and he knew that my fear would make me submit to do it again, I know that there were more incidents but somehow I managed to block most of it out. It was the only way I knew and still know of keeping myself sane. I'm still not sure what was really going on in his head. He used to say that I wouldn't give him sex if I didn't feel anything for him, while I actually did, but out of fear and nothing else. This fear wasn't just of being physically hurt by him, for the most part of it, it was about Xaynee. I don't really understand how he works things out in his head, but I'm convinced that he knew I wasn't doing it willingly and that he also knew that he had the power to control me.

I managed to get through this and I saw Xaynee the last time on the day before I left South Africa. I was meant to leave on the Saturday, but the airline didn't want to allow me on the plane due to some immigration rules. We had to book another flight for the Sunday night and as I was walking towards the plane, after I said goodbye to my parents, I sent Johan an sms in which I told him that I was leaving but I didn't tell him where I was going. I also asked him not to contact my parents.

As I was sitting on the plane, it all felt unreal and as the plane was lifting off, I knew my new life had just began. No more fear.