I really am starting to get the idea that I have way too much time on my hands.
At least I spoke to both my children today, so I have no reason to feel depressed or sad. Johan is still going on about getting maintenance out of me, I have learned to not get upset about it. It's better to just take things one step at a time.
Lili seemed more like her normal self tonight and it was good to hear her laugh. That's all I really want, for my children to be happy.
My head's a mess though and I wish I knew how to sort myself out. I've been thinking alot about how my relationship with Johan used to be and I think that is what is getting to me. Can't really stop myself from thinking, the thoughts just comes into my head.
I still have so much anger inside me and I should really find a way to deal with it.
I always used to say that I just want to be the girl I used to be before he came into my life. Guess that won't be possible though. Too much has happened and it changed me in more ways than I thought. I don't like the things I used to like any more and I don't have the self-confidence and self-motivation that I used to have. Very few things excite me and I have a very difficult time focusing on finishing something.
It's as if these bad memories keep creeping into my head, absorbing all that is positive and destroying it in the process. You see, telling my story the way I am doing right now in all the different parts was like telling you about a tree, it's name, where it's growing and about all of it's surroundings. I may have mentioned some major storms and cold winters that this tree had to grow through, but it's the little things that I did not mention which really made that tree what it is. It's the deliberate deprivation of water, which that tree found so essential, and the breaking of it's small branches...the ones no one ever noticed which made that tree weep whenever it rained, because it was too proud to allow people to see what it has become.
There are so many small things that people just don't understand and I've never been good at expressing myself, so sometimes I just feel like I'm talking to a wall. Walls generally don't talk back, unless you've either got a very active imagination or are psychologically a bit over the edge. I just can't see myself talking to people if I can't make them understand the way I feel. People just don't see things the way I see things, never have, never will.
At least I spoke to both my children today, so I have no reason to feel depressed or sad. Johan is still going on about getting maintenance out of me, I have learned to not get upset about it. It's better to just take things one step at a time.
Lili seemed more like her normal self tonight and it was good to hear her laugh. That's all I really want, for my children to be happy.
My head's a mess though and I wish I knew how to sort myself out. I've been thinking alot about how my relationship with Johan used to be and I think that is what is getting to me. Can't really stop myself from thinking, the thoughts just comes into my head.
I still have so much anger inside me and I should really find a way to deal with it.
I always used to say that I just want to be the girl I used to be before he came into my life. Guess that won't be possible though. Too much has happened and it changed me in more ways than I thought. I don't like the things I used to like any more and I don't have the self-confidence and self-motivation that I used to have. Very few things excite me and I have a very difficult time focusing on finishing something.
It's as if these bad memories keep creeping into my head, absorbing all that is positive and destroying it in the process. You see, telling my story the way I am doing right now in all the different parts was like telling you about a tree, it's name, where it's growing and about all of it's surroundings. I may have mentioned some major storms and cold winters that this tree had to grow through, but it's the little things that I did not mention which really made that tree what it is. It's the deliberate deprivation of water, which that tree found so essential, and the breaking of it's small branches...the ones no one ever noticed which made that tree weep whenever it rained, because it was too proud to allow people to see what it has become.
There are so many small things that people just don't understand and I've never been good at expressing myself, so sometimes I just feel like I'm talking to a wall. Walls generally don't talk back, unless you've either got a very active imagination or are psychologically a bit over the edge. I just can't see myself talking to people if I can't make them understand the way I feel. People just don't see things the way I see things, never have, never will.
5 comments:
Step by step, day by day. I am glad you got to speak to the kids. Keep going forward - you sound an amazing person. Ek haal my hoed af vir jou.
lol I got a bit carried away there...
Had to go for a quick walk to gather all the pigs in one cage again.
Dankie Emil :o)
Have u ever thot of getting therapy? It helped me a lot after i was in an abusive relationship that lasted just 3 months. Therapy helped me understand myself a lot better and deal with the depression.
I was having those kinds of involuntary thots that u described. I didn't want to think about those things but they popped up anyway. My therapist explained that it's like ur brain is trying to make sense of things that happened and it seems to be stuck, so it's almost like a damaged cassette player that keeps repeating itself.
Don't know if that makes sense, but it did to me when she explained it.
This time too will come to pass Cheeky, slowly but surely. Like Emil said - one day at a time. Abusive relationships do tend to alter our characters and subdue our personalities - we seem to lose our zest for life and it never seems to return in the same way - something goes lost, but a lot is also found. "Pain is the shell that encloses understanding" - Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet. You realy do sound like an amazing person!
Thank you Von :o)
What you said is true, I have learned alot about myself and I'm trying to take things slowly.
I admit that I haven't really been patient with the whole situation and it frustrated me that I had no control.
Every comment I receive here gives me something new to think about and it has helped me more than I realized.
Post a Comment