My Story Part Twelve

After we took Lili back, me and my parents visited family in Prieska. We used to live there while I was a little girl and my dad's family is from there.

I had alot of time to think during that week and it was then that I also decided that I needed to get my life sorted out. I knew things were never going to work out with Johan and that I had no future with him. I knew that I could never love him. I sometimes hated him for the way he treated me and I continuously blamed him for the fact that Lili was taken out of my care.

Andy and I continued our relationship via the internet and although it wasn't always easy, we both wanted the same thing in the end. A relationship like that is different in so many ways, and looking back at it now, I think that is exactly what gave me the strength go get through everything. It does depend on compatibility ofcourse, but somehow Andy and I understood each other.

I trusted him completely, which is something that I am not normally capable of doing. I told him everything. My phone was with me 24/7 and it actually irritated people like my parents (and sometimes Johan, but strangely enough he didn't seem to care so much). I learned how to literally multi-task and Andy knew about every detail of my day as it was happening. I knew the same about his, and this is also how he knew about the way Johan had been treating me. Andy explained to me that it wasn't normal (by that time I was really getting worried about myself) and he opened my eyes about what was really going on.

This is the sad thing about abusive relationships. People tend to think it's all about the physical abuse and that is where they are so wrong. I realized then that I was being emotionally abused on a daily basis. All the signs were there all along, but I was always looking for the fault within myself. I didn't even love Johan and I sometimes had the courage to tell him that (although I didn't realize it, he did make me pay for every time I 'hurt' him by saying that), but I couldn't get out. He knew it and he loved it. He knew he had total control over my whole life and that there was nothing I could do to change that.

If it hadn't been for Andy who slowly made me believe in myself again, I doubt I would've been able to make it through. He finally decided to come to South Africa for no other reason than to help me get away. It made me more nervous than excited. I was scared.

As I mentioned in another part, we were sharing a house with friends who also had a baby. We couldn't afford our own place to stay and that is why we shared. I think that helped in a way because it distracted Johan. His parents now had foster care of his children and we had Xaynee with us. We lived on a smallholding 40km north of Pretoria, and the owner liked Johan. Things didn't go well with the friends-sharing-house business though. They had just as much relationship trouble and the girl, who was only 21 was not only drinking alot (they both did), but she sometimes totally lost control. She one night attacked Johan and I think that although I then started objecting to having her there, I also understood her behaviour. I saw myself in her, although I had more self-control (well, most of the times), and her behaviour was due to the frustration locked up inside of her from being emotionally abused. They finally moved out shortly before Andy came to South Africa.

I started planning on leaving. I was really scared and it took alot of reassurance for Andy that everything would be fine. I had so many mixed emotions about what I knew I was about to do and knowing that I was going to have to leave Xaynee behind with Johan made it worse. I just couldn't take it anymore and I kept looking for reasons to justify my actions.

As the days went by, I couldn't find the courage to tell my parents that Andy was coming. I thought they were going to think that I'm crazy for falling in love with someone I met on a chat site and who I never met. I started hinting at it with my mom a few days before Andy arrived and the night before he arrived, I sms'd her and told her about my plans.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Johan then found the sms's on my phone and how he reacted, but once I was at my parents' house, I knew everything would be fine.

We spent the most magical two weeks together and my parents loved Andy.

Some days we just stayed in the hotel and talked for hours, but we also went to Warmbaths and we showed him around Pretoria. We spent alot of time with my parents and I knew that I had met the person I want to spend my life with when my dad said to Andy one night "I want to thank you for making Renata laugh again".
I applied for my passport and after Andy left on 24 January, not only the waiting, but also more trouble started with Johan.

I never went back home, but Johan wasn't about to let me go.