So he's finally moved on...

I'm feeling really guilty. I know I've been shutting Andy out lately, but whenever I try to talk to him, he just doesn't seem to understand.

I am constantly thinking. Mu whole life is revolving around getting my children back, but all the thinking has also made me realize that this is going to be even harder than I thought.

My day just started out bad as I phoned Johan to speak to Xaynee this morning and he said she is in school, but immediately said that he wants to talk things over first. I asked what he meant and he started going on about me paying him maintenance again. He actually sneered at me and told me that it's not about him wanting me back any more because he 'has someone else' now, which explains why a woman answered the phone when I phoned yesterday.

I really couldn't care less, I know what he is trying to do and I'm definately not stupid. I will admit that I am a bit angry at the way he is doing this and still demanding money from me in order for me to talk to my daughter. Just goes to show that he has got a serious problem. He asked if he should contact a lawyer regarding maintenance and I told him to go ahead, because I don't have an income. It's not as if I choose not to, but he just don't get it that I'm not allowed to work over here.

It still shocks me every time to see how stupid he can be, and I am not being nasty here. He really is. I mean, which part of 'not recieving money pending the inquiry' into the Children's Court proceedings doesn't he understand? And he actually told me today that I CAN pay maintenance because my 'fiance' (and he added here that this is what I said to Magda in my email to her, which again proves her breach of confidentiality), is receving an income. He really believes that, although it's not true.

I'm starting to think that he really does suffer from some personality disorder. To be honest, all the signs are there and that just makes me even more suspicious. I never even thought about it up until recently, but it's all just adding up.

He really is living in his own little make-believe fantasy world, he's never wrong and never have been and he's got one very highly selective memory. That's only to start with.

It suits me fine that he seems to forget one single very important aspect as far as Xaynee is concerned. Something I thought I'd never use against him, but he's not only pushing this a little too far, I am also having my doubts regarding how stable he really is.

Even after I left him and came here, I kept looking at myself for mistakes. Maybe becasue everyone always used to blame me and told me I got myself into the situation, I had to sort it out. The social worker made this worse by also choosing to support Johan, even after I told her most of the details about our relationship. I really thought it was my fault, and every time Johan accused me of being a bad mother for leaving, it got to me.

I've allowed far too much for far too long. I know what I have to do now, but when and how is the question.