I just don't get it!

Well, it's the same old story...

Tried to phone Lili NINE TIMES on all of her father's different numbers and they wouldn't answer it. It's strange that when I phone Elsabe's number that they do actually ignore the phone call, but on his cell and the house phone they just don't answer.

Am I stupid or something here? Coz I just don't get why they don't want me to speak to my daughter. I never did that to him, so what is he trying to accomplish? Everything was fine when I spoke to Lili on Monday, she sounded ok and now I'm just worried and sad all over again.

Not a good time for that either to be honest.

At least I got hold of Xaynee earlier and I can hear that she really misses me. She sounded so sad, I could hear it in her voice and it just made me feel even worse. She needs me.

I just don't know. Things are just getting worse by the day now and I suspect that it may be my fault. When Andy came home this afternoon, he spent his time playing WOW on the PC. We don't get to spend much time together anymore because he had to go back to work at around 17:00. I was upset but kept it to myself and went to sleep after I posted my earlier entry from my phone.

I wish I could make everything right again. He doesn't really know how to handle the fact that it hurts me so much that I can't be with my children, but when I try to explain it to him it's like talking to a brick wall. I just don't get through to him. There were times while we were still just chatting, before we actually met, that I did pick up that he tends to do this but he usually got back to being himself again in a few days. It's not getting better though and neither am I.

I'm not even sure if I'm angry or surprised about the fact that Solf wouldn't let me speak to Lili, nothing surprises me anymore. I refuse to get depressed though, I'd rather not feel anything than sit and feel sorry for myself.

I was worried about it that I'm turning into this cold person again and I remembered that it's been days since I last cried. So I thought if I watched the video I made for my kiddiez, then just maybe I'll feel something. I didn't and I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

Andy doesn't deserve this really. He's always been there for me and gave me everything he could, how can I do this to him? I don't want to, but I don't know how to change the way I feel.