Weekend happenings

I decided to go with Andy to his work on Saturday because I felt I had to get out of the house for a bit. I'm still having a really difficult time getting used to the people over here, so I just did what I usually do and sat at a table doing some writing.

It doesn't really bother me to be on my own and I actually prefer it that way, for the moment at least. I had to phone Lili at 20:00 though, but the shop at the garage didn't sell my network provider's airtime credit, so I had to phone from the payphone. I kinda lost it when they didn't pick up the phone and the answering machine came on, because I had 2 pounds credit and lost it all. I haven't lost my temper like that for a very long time. I grabbed my handbag and stormed off down the road, I didn't get far before I just sat down and cried.

I felt angry at everyone, even Andy. Sometimes I wonder where he gets the strength to put up with my mood swings, he just seems to forget about it and he never brings it up again afterwards. As I was sitting there, I couldn't believe that I was so negative at that moment, while just an hour before, I was writing about how positive I was feeling. I also knew that I was probably overreacting, but I felt so powerless and lonely.

I was trying to justify what I had just done, so I blamed Andy for just assuming that I was supposed to know how the phone works, same as he is assuming that I am supposed to know how everything else around here works. No one has to tell me how childish that sounds, and that is exactly where my problem of expressing myself comes in.

I was not only angry about the fact that I couldn't speak to my daughter (I refused to use more money), I was also angry because I know exactly what her father is telling her and I am completely powerless to prevent it. He is the type who will use one phone call that I skipped, like this one, to prove in court that I didn't really care about phoning. There is no way I can prove that I had just spent more than R30 in their currency to make a phone call which they didn't answer. Although I have been phoning from the house phone since Elsabe said that I am always phoning from a different number (a ridiculous statement, I mean how many people do they know who phone from the UK?), it just isn't always possible for me to be at home. I never get out and the ONE time I did, this happens. I phoned their house phone because it was a different number I was now calling from and I didn't want them to be able to use the same excuse again as Elsabe did before by the number showing on Dolf's cell. This is just one small incident, but they always find a way to manipulate it in their favour by making it so damn complicated.

As far as me not wanting to spend more money to make another phone call goes, even though Andy told me to, that is another issue. I'm still making the mistake of converting everything into Rand value. Due to the fact that I was living in circumstances which the average South African would judge as 'poor' ever since I met and moved in with Johan, money tends to scare me. Even though I was brought up in a normal, middle-class home, I grew accustomed to not having money and that is what is making it really difficult for me here. It may seem like a small issue to most, but it influenced my life a whole lot more than I realized at first.

I actually tried to post this yesterday, but had to save a draft because I was feeling really ill for some reason so I went back to bed. Later the afternoon I phoned Johan so I could speak to Xaynee and again he said she was asleep. I wasn't feeling very well and for the first time I really got angry at him. He's got this irritating habit of not listening to people properly which forces you to repeat yourself to him, so when I asked him when I could call then because he always has an excuse that Xaynee is either not with him or asleep, and he told me to repeat myself, I flipped. I shouted exactly the same as what I had said earlier over the phone, I was stupid and should've known what he was trying to do, because that was when he put the phone down on me. It took me a while to calm down after that.

I know I should never have allowed myself to get angry, he doesn't deserve my anger. The thing that really set me off was the fact that I didn't speak to Lili the previous day either and I wasn't feeling very well either. It's small things and I shouldn't allow for it to upset me this much, but it just goes on and on and on...

Sometimes I wonder what is going through Andy's head when he sees me like that, or when I take it out on him and it really isn't his fault. He's never blamed me or even brought anything up afterwards. I asked him about it and he just said that life is too short to hold grudges. A simple and very old saying, but I guess that sums it up. Whenever I'm upset he just gives me a hug and tell me it'll be alright.

There is nothing special about our relationship, it's just a normal relationship with ups and (sometimes terrible) downs, but that is exactly what makes it different for me. Having gone through two abusive relationships, I didn't know what 'normal' was and what I was used to is what I grew accustomed to as being normal in any relationship. It's almost sad when I look back at it now, the way I found it difficult to trust Andy when we met on the chat site even though he never lied and was just being himself, he just seemed too perfect. Normal was too good to be true for me and I didn't want to trust him or anyone else, I knew what I had to do and how to act and what to say with Johan to keep him from getting angry. Or so I thought, but I was wrong in so many ways.

I found it strange at first when people used to comment and say that they didn't know how I could cope. Maybe it was because I didn't know either, so I took some time this weekend to think about it and I came to a few very interesting conclusions which I will post about later.

I do appreciate every comment and I have received more support than I expected to be honest. When I started my blog I never even meant to read other blogs or planned on keeping track of other people's blogs, but I find myself doing it every day now. In fact, I never expected that anyone would read my blog because to me my story and my thoughts just don't hold any significance. I want to thank the following people though:

• Emil Jung
• Sting
• Wipneus

These people have each in their own way proven to me that there are more to life than what I thought when I first started blogging and as long as there are people like them around, it gives me enough reason to overcome my obstacles and keep fighting not only for what I believe in, but also for what is right.