I knew that at some point it would come to this, but I'm so fed up with all of this.

It started with Johan earlier this week when I phoned Xaynee. Somehow we got talking and it led to an argument (again because he demands maintenance) where he again threatened that he was going to stop me from talking to her in the future. Unfortunately, this time I lost my temper and threatened him back. I told him that I was going to come and take my furniture and the car and he eventually put down the phone.

Then on Thursday I phoned Lili, but something is wrong there too coz she was very quiet and tense over the phone. I had to ask a whole lot of questions just so that she would talk. I asked her if she didn't want to speak to me last week and she said she didn't. It hurt me but I also know that she isn't happy, she's still insecure as well and I will not let this go until she is happy. I know that it may sound as if I'm too optimistic about this, but I also know Dolf and the way he works to get things to go his way. That is also why I know that Lili will one day understand because her father will never change and she will see him for what he really is one day, but that doesn't mean that I will wait until that time to get her back.

What I'm upset about right now though is that I phoned Johan about 30 minutes ago and yeah.. Guess what...here was his reply when I asked him to let me speak to Xaynee:

"I told you last time how it's gonna work, you're not going to speak to her"

I wasn't really surprised. I asked him what he meant by what he said and he said it's about the maintenance and if I don't give my cooperation then he will not allow me to speak to Xaynee. I then asked him about the appointment he said he had with the social worker who I reported to SACSSP. He said that she told him that the court order does not state that I am allowed to have contact with Xaynee, so it's up to him to decide. I tried to correct him but couldn't help laughing at how wrong he is and how I can see it so clearly that he is acting out of spite and nothing else. When I asked him a second time to let me speak to Xaynee and he again refused, I lost it again and told him that he was a dog and that I will expose him for what he really is. He in turn then told me that I'm a whore who threw away her children and ran after a guy and now that things are not working out I want to come back. So I told him he's wrong and that I am coming back. He asked me what I was going back for then and I said I am going to get my child. He shouted at me that I will not get either of my kids and then he put the phone down on me without allowing me to talk to Xaynee.

And again...

I'm seriously getting fed up with this.

Obviously something caused Dolf to be upset again. I phoned Lili at 20:15 on Thursday night and what did I get? The phone put down on me 3 times when I tried his cell and the house number was just ignored.

So here we go again. What the hell did I do wrong this time?

He doesn't have a right to do this. In fact, it's against the law, but that just don't seem to matter.

I'm just so scared that I won't be able to see her when I go back and there isn't much time left but no one has come back to me from ISS yet and I'm getting worried.

An update and a *Thank You*

I haven't written anything here in such a long time that I don't even know where to start.

Last night as I lay in bed thinking I planned on writing an update as I had a conversation with Lili again last night, but there is so much more going on at the moment and my head is just so full of thoughts.

Normally when I log in every morning I check my emails first just in case there is some news from anyone about my children. I'm still waiting for the ISS to get bck to me after I provided them with all the details they asked for like Johan and Dolf's postal addresses and so on.

This morning I received an email from someone who read my blog and even though I will reply to that person personally, I feel that he deserves a special thank you here on my blog. I've received so much support since I've started writing here and believe it or not, it's that support that has kept me going sometimes when I really felt I just couldn't take it anymore. This person said something to me that reminded me of the way I used to be and I realised that it's time to start working towards being that person again.

These past few days have been absolutely horrible and I think it's the tension and stress that is getting to me. I remember when I was younger I used to get like this, all tired and nauseaous whenever I was under alot of stress or whenever I had the feeling that something bad was going on or was going to happen. It started a few days ago and yesterday I slept all throughout the day and I just had no energy and I felt so ill that it made me cry. I know that Andy thinks it's the medication, but I know myself and I know that I am having a hard time coping with all that is going on.

I haven't been able to bring myself so far to write a complaint about any of the social workers yet either and that is just adding to the stress at the moment. I'm beginning to understand why people get away with so many things now, it just takes up so much time and effort and not to mention the emotions you have to cope with like anger and pain to write letters to complain about these people that most people apparently simply give up than to go through all the hassle. It's just not easy having to go through all the channels and writing different letters and telling the same story over and over again. I'm determined not to let these social workers get away with what they did though as I have been reading up and I know now that what they did was not only breach of confidentiality, but it's regarded as infringement of my rights according to our constitution.

Lili sounded tired last night but she still sounds excited about seeing me and my parents. She even agreed to say hi to Andy over the phone and she really wants to meet him. I've been having strange feelings lately about seeing her again though. I'm almost scared and nervous, maybe it's just the stress I don't know.

Yesterday when I phoned to speak to Xaynee, Johan wasn't home...again. This is really starting to bug me now, I really hope that she is ok.

I'm also happy that I'm able to speak to my brother again and that I could finally bring him into contact with my parents. At least I know now that he is ok and he sounds happy.

I have to be honest in saying that I'm really glad to be going home. Only four more weeks and I'll be able to eat proper food again and maybe feel like myself again. There are alot of things that I don't talk about here and I don't mention it to Andy either, but I have to admit that I'm beginning to have serious doubts about whether it's going to be the right thing to do to be coming back here again. It's no one's fault, I just feel that there are some differences both between me and Andy and me and the whole Guernsey community, culture and lifestyle which I just can't overbridge. Maybe if my situation was different it might have been easier, but I don't feel I can do it.

I know that I have a bad habit of expecting other people to understand why I'm acting or behhaving in a certain manner. This might be because I am so attentive to other people's needs and I also tend to watch their behaviour closely, which is why I am considered not to be very sociable at times. That ain't true though as all I'm doing is observing whenever I pick up on a strange atmosphere. What I'm really getting at is that I also tend to back off completely when I'm in a situation where I feel uncomfortable. In fact, I cut myself off completely because I find it easier to deal with than to find myself in a situation where I have to do something I feel uncomfortable about. Very few people understand that but I've known quite a few people who actually picked up on it and I find it strange that Andy don't.

I suppose all of us grow up with hopes and dreams. I wonder how many people ever get to turn their dreams into reality in such an imperfect world.

Sometimes I look at people who walk past me and I wonder what their lives are like. I've met so many people in my past, people I will probably never see again. I used to look at their way of life and listen to their stories and pretended to be like them... I never was though.

I'm feeling more and more depressed as the days go by. I thought it would be better once I'm here with Andy, but it's not and although I understand in a way why it isn't, there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I still look at my past every day and ask myself what I ever did to deserve this. I can't do this anymore. I just can't.

My Baby Angel x

I finally managed to get these pics of me and Xaynee on the PC of the last day I saw her before I left South Africa.

I miss her so much :(






I love you Xaynee

xxx

Disappointed and Angry

On 12 May this year I wrote on this blog how happy I was that I finally found a social worker who seemed to understand my situation. I was wrong, VERY wrong.

I'm referring to the social worker in Bloemfontein ofcourse, the one from the organisation I contacted when I had so much trouble getting hold of Lili.

Well, she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday and when I didn't hear anything from her by Tuesday, I phoned her office and asked for her to email me because she was busy. Yesterday I got her email and this was her reply:

"Ek het toe ‘n afspraak Maandag 21 Julie met die Kotze – egpaar gehad wat hulle nagekom het. Daaruit is besluit dat ons vir Alicia gaan assesseer en ‘n afspraak daarvoor is in Augustus verkry. Ons gaan haar forensies assesseer ten einde te let op die moontlike seksuele mishandeling wat in haar verlede plaasgevind het.



Ek wil net ook weer die rolle reg definieer. Ek is die herenigings werker wat ‘n diens aan Mnr Kotze verleen, m.a.w., ek moet hulle help dat Alicia suksesvol by hulle aanpas en aanbly. My verantwoordelikheid is dus grootliks by hulle. Dit het tot gevolg dat ek nie elke keer wat ek met hulle te doen gehad het vir jou terugvoer gaan gee nie. Die maatskaplike werker in Kuruman is seker nog by jou betrokke."

I was so upset by this that Andy couldn't take it anymore I guess coz he sent her an email telling her exactly what he thought of it all.

In the first place there is the assessment that they want to do on Lili. (Damn woman even spelled her name wrong.) Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against it being done but I'm a bit confused. If I remember correctly Lili was assessed BEFORE the court case in July last year? If the allegations is true, I swear I will probably kill Johan, but the part I really don't understand is why Dolf allowed Johan to speak to her on her birthday then while he was ignoring all of MY phone calls? Something just doesn't make sense.

Then there's her saying in the email that she is the REUNIFICATION worker and her responsibility lies mainly with Dolf and Elsabe. First of all, who contacted her in the first place FOR reunification services? Or will someone please define that word for me, coz I'm getting more and more angry and confused here.

Also, so that Lili can stay with them? Everyone seems to be forgetting that this was a TEMPORARY placement.

Then she comes out with the social worker in Kuruman which left me even more confused. Even if there WAS a social worker in Kuruman, what would she be able to do about it?

Oh, but here comes the best part. Yesterday I also received a letter from the ISS UK and the guy asked me for more details and so on. So I sent it to him and forwarded this email, but just as I was about to send it Andy noticed something strange.

She sent that email to the social worker I filed the complaint against in Pretoria and who is working on Xaynee's case as well! So I browsed through my inbox and saw that she's been doing this since 12 June.

I just don't see what the two social workers have to do with one another and why this was done. I have nothing to hide, but why can social workers not be trusted? And how the hell did these two come across one another?

I'm considering my options here, but I'm to angry to be making any decisions right now. The guy from ISS UK knows that I'm questioning the integrity of the social workers in SA, but what can I do about it?

All I wanted was to be sure that I would be able to see Lili. I was even willing to leave Lili in Dolf's care at one point, but now I'm not so sure. It is clear that he got the social worker exactly where he wants her through his lies once again and I'm getting fed up.

I know for a fact that Dolf can not have changed. He was violent and abusive even before I met him and he was the same after I left him from what I could gather from the woman he used to be engaged to who I met at the court that day. Men like that don't change overnight. Problem is that there is no way that I can prove that Lili's behaviour is caused by him and not the past. Not while she is being manipulated.

There is nothing I can do. Again.

It is 3:00 am in the morning again and I can't sleep. I'm watching recorded Star Trek episodes just to keep my mind occupied. Although I can't post about what happened yesterday right now because I'm using my phone to post this I'm really upset. I really don't know how much more of this I can take and I don't think Andy realizes just how much this is affecting me. Every morning I wake up with the hope that some solution will come out of nowhere and that all the pain and hurt will go away. Every day that passes is filled with thoughts of my children and how much I miss them and want them to be with me. Every day I cry tears that my children will never see and they don't know or even realize that without them I feel an emptiness that can never be filled. I try not to remember small things anymore because it hurts. It's difficult to describe to someone what I mean by 'hurt'. It's almost like a physical pain which just tears me apart inside. It leaves me crying for hours every day but I can't give up.

Patience

They say patience is a virtue. Hmmm...

In my view it is some damn way to see how far they can push me coz this is REALLY starting to work on my nerves and I'm gonna lose the plot if this continues.

The social worker in Bloemfontein was supposed to get back to me after she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday. No guessing about whether she did get back to me hey? No she didn't. Ok, so I thought I'd phone yesterday to hear what happened, because she apparently wanted to listen 'what his story was' because he 'had his own plans'. Whatever that may mean. I suppose it's got something to do with getting custody of Lili.

Well, so I phoned and the woman at the switchboard told me that the social worker was busy. I left her a message to please get back to me about what happened via email. It's already 10:00 am SA time and I still haven't received and email.

I also tried to phone Xaynee yesterday morning but Johan had already taken her to school. He said I could phone at 13:00, but when I phoned at about 14:00 his phone was off. How nice.

I've finally discovered the new Children's Act on the internet and I know what the new law says now. Took me a while but at least I'm getting there. I've been looking at it and I'm considering tracking LeRoy down. I've been looking at the dates for the first time without feeling guilty and I know that it is almost impossible for Johan to be Xaynee's father. Actually, I've been looking at it in various ways and when I started looking at Xaynee's photos I saw the resemblance for the first time. It is probably the best and easiest way for me to get her back, even if I have to subpoena LeRoy to appear in court. He won't want anything to do with her anyway, so I really couldn't care less. I'm not sure, but I think that the court may order for DNA tests to be carried out and that is my main concern, although I still don't think that Johan will be the father, it is the time that is worrying me. We're not gonna be in SA for that long and even waiting for Xaynee's passport (when I can finally apply for it without a father's consent) is going to be a problem.

I've got alot of worries piling up at the moment, including my visa. The fees have gone up again and it's gonna cost us R8240, which is about 500 pound. I just hope I get it coz the UK is so damn strict.

Lately Mathew and I have been getting along alot more like we used to and Andy and I have been ok, except for the times when I get really depressed and take it out on him, but that never last very long. My baby understands me better than anyone :o)

Finally feeling better

Another night went by and I didn't sleep. I'm torturing myself really, I know it and I still do it.
I've been so depressed and moody the past week that I'm almost surprised that Andy hasn't put me on a plane back to SA yet. Sometimes I felt so guilty about the way I was treating him, but mostly my anger and frustration took over. He just kept to himself mostly and waited until I calmed down and eventually break down and cried then he just held me in his arms. I know that I would never be so lucky again to get a man like him and that I probably don't appreciate him enough, but it's as though the time of going back to SA is draawing closer, the more it is affecting me. Andy is the one who keeps me strong and he always make me see things more positively. I feel like a cruel person.

I phoned Lili again last night and for the first time in ages I could recognise my child speaking to me. We had a long conversation and she sounds so excited to see me that it made me miss her even more. I promised her that I would bring her some PC games and DVDs because I know how much she loves watching DVDs and she started playing on the PC when she was only 2 years old. She even sounds excited to meet Andy and she said that she will speak english if she has to, she doesn't mind and she understands that he doesn't understand Afrikaans.

I went to see the specialist on Wednesday and he changed the dosage of my medication again. My water retention is still bad but it seems to be getting better and the specialist was happy with the results of my blood tests. It did upset me when he said that a liver transplant later on in the future is more a probability than a possibility, but then again I expected it and I really couldn't care less about my health at the moment as my main concern is my children and nothing else.

I started emailing people again after my previous post and finally got a reply from the Department of Social Development in SA. They said I should contact ISS UK. I stared at the email and the only thing that went through my head was WHAT THE FUCK???

I mean I contacted ISS UK in May already and they told me that they couldn't help me. So I forwarded that email I received from ISS UK to the Department of Social Development and they contaced ISS UK which in turn emailed me and told me that they understood that I was going back to SA permanently and that was why they said they couldn't help me. What bullshit. I mean really!! I made it clear to the damn woman that I was engaged to Andy and everything, I guess she was just covering her ass but I left it there. Then the guy asked me for the Children's Court order. Luckily I requested it to be sent to my dad about a month ago, not sure why now to be honest but I;m glad I did. I emailed the guy the whole background story about Lili and Xaynee together with the court order, but they are moving their offices and he probably won't reply before the 22nd. So now I'm waiting again.

The reason I couldn't sleep AGAIN was that except for feeling really crap, my head keeps racing and I'm trying to think of ways to get Xaynee back in my care. I've been on the net the whole night, just looking at the law and how it affects my case. I can't remember where I got the info that Johan had to give his consent if I wanted to take Xaynee out of SA because he is registered as her natural father, I think someone must have SAID it to me because all of the laws and the sites I've looked at says that I don't need his consent. Everything is just so confusing when it comes to SA, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I still think that I'm just going to go with trying to get Johan's name removed from the birth register. Guess I'll have to see what happens in court, that is if someone gets back to me SOME day with a new date that is. They are just so damn pathetic in that damn country it makes me want to scream when I have to pick up the phone.

I went one step higher with the complaint regarding the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case as well. I emailed the director at the head office of the organisation she is working for and threatened them with the SACSSP. They actually sent me a reply just to acknowledge receipt of my complaint and said they will investigate it and reply as soon as possible. I was really surprised. Still, it just goes to show you to what extremes you have to go to just to get something done. Nothing is easy when it comes to SA.

I'm sad. I'm angry.

I feel helpless and I just want to cry.

The following video is for my two little girls.

If I never get the chance to see them again, I just want them to know that I have and always will love them.

If you hear a voice in the middle of the night
Sayin’ it’ll be alright
It will be me

If you feel a hand guiding you along
When the path seems wrong
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

If there is a key that goes to your heart
A special part
It will be me

If you need a friend
Call out to the wind
To hold you again
It will be me

Oh how the world seems so unfair
Creating a love that can not be shared
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

Past the ever after there’s a place for two
In your tears of laughter
I’ll be there for you

In the sun and the moon
In the land and the sea
Look all around you
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
It will be me
It will be me...

Aanvaarding

Nadat ek gister weer met Lili gepraat het en dit my vreeslik ontstel het om haar te hoor se dat sy nie vir die vakansie wanneer ek daar is weer soos laas jaar na my ouers toe wil gaan sodat ons almal daar kan bly vir die vakansie nie, het ek laat gisteraand gaan stap en dit was donker teen die tyd dat Andy my gebel het en vir my gevra het waar ek is omdat hy alreeds by die huis was.

Die afgelope ruk het ek al hoe meer depressief begin raak en dit het weer die punt bereik waar ek nie eers meer in die oggend lus voel om op te staan nie. Wat dit nog erger maak is dat ek alles op Andy uithaal en boonop daarop uit gaan om met hom moeilikheid te soek omdat ek na 'n manier soek om van als wat so opkrop binne in my ontslae te raak. Alhoewel hy soms ook maar ingee en kwaad word vat dit nie lank voordat hy na my toe kom en vir my 'n drukkie gee en my weer moed inpraat nie. Hy is wonderlik en ek weet werklik nie wat ek sonder hom sou gedoen het nie.

Ek het vir Lili gese dat ons in daardie geval dan maar net 'n dag of twee in Bloemfontein sal oorbly sodat sy my darem kan sien, maar diep binne my maak dit so seer om net te dink aan haar "uh-uh" toe ek vir haar vra of sy by my ouers wil gaan kuier.

Dit gaan nou al so lank aan en dis nie haar skuld dat sy van my vervreem is nie, so ek kan haar nie blameer nie. Dolf het sy sin gekry, maar dis nou nog vir my moeilik om in te sien hoe iemand so wreed kan wees.

Hierdie hele situasie met Lili het my die laaste tyd nogal baie laat dink aan die 5 fases van aanvaarding dat jy besig is om dood te gaan nadat ek nou die aand The Bucket List gekyk het. Die 5 fases is natuurlik:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Dis natuurlik op baie gevalle van toepassing en ek weet ook nou dat ek deur meeste hiervan is, behalwe aanvaarding. Ek het altyd gese dat ek nooit sal ophou baklei nie, maar dalk is dit ook tyd dat ek begin aanvaar dat ek niks meer aan die situuasie kan doen nie en dat slegs tyd sal leer.

Miskien is dit tyd dat ek begin fokus op die dinge waaraan ek wel iets kan doen, soos Xaynee.

My gedagtes en my lewe het ontaard in iets wat lyk soos 'n bondel wasgoed in 'n wasmasjien. Ek kon nie meer uitmaak wat wat is nie en een ding loop na 'n ander. Als is net 'n gemors en ek kon nie meer fokus of konsentreer op dit wat werklik saak maak nie.

Dis tyd dat dit verander en dit gaan vandag gebeur.

Ek het besluit om meer aandag te gee aan die hele kwessie wat Xaynee betref, wat natuurlik beteken dat ek weer die hof gaan kontak rakende 'n nuwe hofdatum en ek gaan ook die Departement van Binnelandse Sake email en ook kontak rakende haar geboorte. Hopelik kry ek vir 'n slag iets gedoen want ek is al so moeg vir al die pogings wat tot niks lei nie dat ek al wil skree.

Ek gaan ook begin werk aan punte waarop ek kan fokus wat Xaynee betref want niks gaan my weghou van die dinge want ek nog oorhet in my lewe nie en dit sluit op hierdie stadium net Andy en Xaynee in. Dit beteken nie dat ek vir Lili afgeskryf het nie. Dit maak bitter seer om net aan haar te dink en net die gedagte aan haar pragtige glimlag bring trane in my oe, maar ek kan nie meer my hele lewe van koers af hou ter wille van haar nie. Sy sal altyd 'n plek he by ons en ek sal seker maak dat sy dit weet wanneer ek vir haar gaan hallo se, maar dis tyd om te aanvaar en laat gaan, al is dit nie maklik nie.

My besluit

Ek het na baie dink en tob besluit dat ek afgesien van die feit dat meeste van die mense wat my blog lees engels is, nie meer in engels te skryf nie.

Vanaand het ek op Youtube na videos gekyk van Pretoria en weer gesit en tjank soos 'n klein hondjie oor 'n verlore been en ek het myself vreeslik jammer gekry. Dis toe dat woorde in my gedagtes opgekom het wat ek baie lank terug gehoor het en op 'n manier was dit vir my baie van toepassing op hoe ek die laaste ruk voel

"Sometimes you have to let the bad things in with the good"

Nadat Andy se ouma en broer teruggekom het van Amerika af en ek weer elke dag vir klein Skye (sy is amper 4 en is Andy se ander broer se dogtertjie, maar Andy se ma pas haar deur die dag op) moes sien het dinge my al hoe meer begin vang.

Ek het vreeslik na Xaynee begin verlang en het vandag weer vir Andy gese ek wil teruggaan huistoe. Hy wil my net gelukkig sien en het vir my gese dat hy besef dat ek nooit werklik myself sal toelaat om gelukkig te wees sonder my kinders in my lewe nie en hy is reg.

Op 'n manier voel dit amper verkeerd om myself toe te laat om gelukkig te wees, maar dit gaan ook oor baie meer as dit. Ek kan dit nie help om geirriteerd te raak met die bedorwe brokkie heeldag hier om my wat heeltyd haar sin wil he anders gooi sy 'n helse tantrum nie en dit het my weereens laat besef dat my kinders, en selfs Xaynee met haar gestremdheid en frustrasies, baie gedisiplineerd is nie. In alle eerlikheid gese, meeste van die kinders hier is iets horribaals en geen Suid Afrikaanse ouer sal toelaat wat hier toegelaat word nie. Dit maak my net van voor af bekommerd wat Xaynee betref en of dit die regte ding gaan wees om haar hiernatoe te bring.

Ek het darem vandag weer met haar gepraat en dis wonderlik om te hoor hoe mooi sy nou al haar woorde uitspreek.

Ek moet egter erken dat alhoewel ek maklik se dat ek wil teruggaan SA toe, sal dit glad nie vir my makllik wees om Andy te los nie, nie na als wat ons reeds deur is om te kom waar ons nou is nie en ek het hom baie lief.

Afgesien hiervan is daar ook die wrywing tussen my en sy broer wat soms gedryf word tot die punt waar ons letterlik sal vassit oor onnodige kwessies. Ek het vandag besef dat dit van ons albei af kom en dit maak my soortvan bang om verskeie redes.

Vanaand mis ek Suid Afrika en my kiddiez net vreeslik en ek voel hartseer en gefrustreerd, maar ook opgewonde om terug te gaan want daar is so baie dinge wat ek vir Andy wil wys wanneer ons in September teruggaan en ek kan amper nie wag nie.

Meeste van als, ek kan nie wag dat hy my Sonprinsessie ontmoet nie want ek dink hy gaan absoluut mal wees oor haar :o)

Revenge

Of all of the photos I have taken of Lili, this one was always my favourite. When I look at it now, all I can see is a sad look in her eyes and it makes me want to cry.

I know it's over and that it's time for me to accept that Dolf has won this battle.

Somehow I just can't. Andy's talked me out of most of my negative thoughts and although I know it may not be worth it and that I'm probably just wasting my time, I'm still phoning people to keep fighting. That includes the family advocate and the Children's Court and even though this woman at the Department of Social Development told me that I'll first have to establish a relationship with Lili again (which won't happen) before I can get her back, I just can't let go.

Something in me snapped last night. I used to be the type of person who let things just go their own way, but at this stage, wrong as it may seem I am starting to think of taking revenge on both Dolf and Elsabe and make them pay for this nightmare I have been living for more than a year now.

It's not over, not until I see him suffer the pain and hurt I have been made to suffer ever since I met him and as for Elsabe, she should have known better than to drive me to this point.

They will regret every tear that they made me cry.

Reaching the end

After not phoning Lili on Monday night, thinking I might give it a break, I phoned again tonight and had a long conversation with her which made me realise that this fight is just not worth fighting anymore.

I told her that I was only going to phone her once a week from now on and that my parents are not going to phone her again because she never wants to speak to them. She didn't sound upset or even bothered about it. I asked her if she still wanted to go away with us on holiday when I'm there and she told me straight that she didn't want to.

I had to fight to hold the tears back. It hurt so much to hear all of these things coming from my little girl.

Maybe I was just in denial the whole time, thinking that one day I will have her back.

The way I'm feeling at the moment, I just want to send her her cellphone and forget that I have a daughter. I told her that I'd send her the cellphone and not visit if she wanted to, but she said she did want to see me.

I just don't know how to handle all the pain and hurt inside.

I phoned Xaynee earlier as well but didn't talk to her for very long before I got into another fight with Johan about money that he wants from me for Xaynee. All I wanted to know was Xaynee's shoe size so I could send her some shoes and clothes, but all he wanted was to know whether I was going to send money as well. I'm just so sick and tired of his shit, so I lost my temper, told him "Fuck you" and put down the phone.

This is all coming on top of me not being myself lately. I'm irritated by the smallest things and I'm really moody. I've been taking it out on Andy nd what makes it even worse is that I've cut off most of my emotions to the point where I don't regret it when I hurt him. I swore that I'd never do this to him but I don't know how to handle everything anymore.

I guess it started after that first time he cut himself off me and I started doing the same. I do tend to treat people the way they treat me and it only became worse after that because I'm so frustrated and sad.

I also phoned the Children's Court on Tuesday and asked what happened with the court case and whether it was postponed. A woman called Rachel, to whom I've spoken before, told me that neither the social worker, nor Johan turned up for court and that she will have to talk to the social worker about a new court date.

I guess it's supposed to be good news, but I'm caring less and less and even here, I have been receiving the comments, but I just couldn't bring myself to even publish it.

This is like one long nightmare. I just want it to end. As if I know that the longer I stay here, the harder it's going to be to wake up and get myself back into reality.

I've been having so many second thoughts and regrets about coming here in the first place. Maybe love just wasn't worth it after all. The small things is the things that make up your life, small things like the way you raise a child. I wouldn't want my children to be anything like Andy's brother's daughter. She's a spoiled little brat and she's got absolutely no discipline and even Andy sometimes seems to think that she behaves in the right way while I'm just disgusted to see a child behaving the way she does. Other children here use foul language and the discipline is definitely an issue over here. I don't want my children to be like that.

I have too many thoughts running through my head at the moment and I can't make sense of any of it to be writing here really, I just need to get rid of some of it, so I'm trying.

I don't even want to close my eyes anymore because it only leads to more thoughts...thoughts which lead to pain...and hurt.

This is the cellphone I bought for Lili for her birthday. When I saw it, I just thought that it would be perfect for her. It even has these little butterflies on the front cover. It made me happy to buy this, now I just want to forget about everything.


What is a life with all this hurt and pain worth...?

After taking a break...

As you can see, I took a break from life on the web for a while. I needed to get some kind of direction in my life again, but in the meantime quite a few things happened.

On Thursday I went to work with Andy so we could spend a little more time together. We've both been working on other ways to get more money in and that caused us to be spending alot less time together than we used to. I had to phone Lili from Andy's cellphone, although I didn't have much hope that she would answer after the way things have been going. I was sitting in the corner of the pub and when the cellphone said 19:00, I phoned Dolf's house phone. To my surprise Lili answered with an excited: "Hello Mamma!". We were talking for a while and I told her that I would bring her a few DVD's because I know she loves watching movies, what bothered me though is that twice during our conversation i sounded as if another phone was being used to listen in on our conversation. After the second time that I noticed this, the phone cut off. I tried to phone again and Dolf picked up and started shouting at me that I could phone Lili after 20:00. I was confused until Andy told me that it was in fact 19:00 in SA, apparently the cellphone's time was wrong. It was an honest mistake and I really didn't deserve to be shouted at like that. This is the type of behaviour that Lili sees coming from her dad and it is just wrong. I phoned again after 20:00 and told Lili that my time had been wrong on my cellphone and that it was an honest mistake, she didn't seemed too bothered about it though and just continued talking and she reminded me about her cellphone lol even Andy heard and understood because I had her on speakerphone. She said that she'll speak to me again today, so we'll see what happens later when I phone.

I phoned Xaynee earlier and she is really getting so cute over the phone. I can make out more and more of her words now and it looks like the speech therapy is finally paying off. I still think that she will be better off here where she will get one-on-one treatment and not like there where she is just another child in a class full of children. I really miss my little angel and sometimes I wish that I could just have her here so that I can take her to the beach.

Things have been going better between me and Andy lately and I've also been spending some time with his mom. My health also seems to be improving and I think that most of the symptoms I've been experiencing lately was caused by the new treatment, but my system have adapted to it now and I really hope that it will work so that I can stop using the steroids.

I've been working hard at cleaning up the house during the past two weeks that Andy's gran has been away. They'll be back on Sunday but I'm not really looking forward to it because Mathew gets to me. I didn't realise how nervous he made me until they were gone and I noticed that I was more relaxed.

Yesterday Andy's mom said something that got me upset all over again. The whole issue about me 'not doing anything around the house' was raised by her again. This is a long story but basically it comes down to Andy's family thinking I'm lazy because I haven't really been doing anything around the house since I came here.

This is a difficult issue for me and although I did suffer from jet lag and I had to adjust to the climate and then I became ill, it never had anything to do with me being lazy. The first time this was brought under my attention, I was really shocked and almost disgusted by the way they had been going about talking behind my back. I was raised differently in that aspect, I suppose. If you haven't discussed something with someone first, don't even dare talk about the issue about that person with me because that person has a right to know first. I don't go about talking about people behind their backs and if I have something to say, I say it, which caused people over here to regard me as being too abrupt. I don't care though.

I was raised to respect people, and with that also their way of life and their belongings. When I came to live here, it was difficult for me to 'place myself' and I was scared. It wasn't my house and I tried to do things the way I would have in SA, but even these people and their culture differ from us. For example, I would feel offended if someone came to live in my house and change or clean certain things in their own way. It gives you that feeling of 'not being good enough' for this person. That was my issue when I came here to be honest. I was so afraid that I might offend anyone that it seemed easier to just back away. Trying to make people understand this isn't easy though and I'm really upset about the fact that even Andy's mom never told me the truth about how his gran felt, not until yesterday that is. It is only AFTER I started doing things out of my own, mostly because I felt comfortable with no one being around, that she told me. I have to admit that I didn't really have the energy to do the things I have been doing lately when I first came here, but now I'm scared of how I'm going to keep doing things once his gran is back and everything is back to normal. I'm going to feel uncomfortable, that's just the way I am.

More bad news

Andy woke me up this morning. His first words was "You'll be surprised at what I read."

I was wrong.

He read my blog and he's hurt. I didn't know what to say and I'm still not sure how I feel. All I know is that he's all that I have left and that I do love him. If I lost him that would take all my reason for keeping this fight up away. I'm not even sure if he's going to come home this afternoon and on the one hand I want to phone him and ask him to please come home, but I'm scared because I don't want to bother him at work.

I phoned the person I had to complain to about the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case earlier because it is almost the 30th and I need to know if they will postpone the court case for me. This person told me that he received my letter last week already. These people just never fail to surprise me. Why didn't he come back to me?! He just said that he still needs to talk to the social worker and that he will phone me back.

i then phoned Lili's social worker and was informed by the woman at the switchboard that the social worker is on holiday until the 10th of July. At this point you should please excuse my language, but WHAT THE FUCK???

So I asked the woman if there is another social worker who I could talk to and I was told that the other one is on sick leave.

There are only 3 things that you can do in a case like this: laugh, cry or get angry.

Tears and anger will get me nowhere, so I just chose to laugh. Then I phoned Xaynee and although she seemed kind of distant she sounded happy to talk to me.

Then Johan started on me again about maintenance. The more I try to explain to him that there is no way that I can pay maintenance unless I work because the court won't hold Andy responsible, the less he seemed to understand it. Next thing, he said that he is going to sue my parents for maintenance then. Before thinking, I broke down and just put the phone down after I told him that he and Dolf are the two cruelest people I've ever come across. He only replied that I'm the cruel one before I put the phone down. I realized later that he's not entitled to maintenance anyway unless he has full custody or is awarded anything by the Children's Court during the next court case.

I shouldn't have let him get to me, but I'm really sad about Andy and hurting him. I know I am being selfish, but it feels like I'm living in a trance where reality is just passing in front of my eyes and I'm not really part of it. I wish I knew how to pull myself together. I've done it before, I can't let it win me this time.

Second thoughts

I'm not even really in the mood to be typing here. I haven't slept all night and I'm depressed and sad. Everything is finally getting to me end I don't have the wiilpower to stop it any longer because I am just not happy.

I can go on for ages and explain how I'm feeling but I really can't be bothered anymore. As I'm mainly keeping this blog to keep record of everything as far as my shildren are concerned, I don't see the point in even complaining about it anymore.

Im just fed up to be honest.

On Saturday Dolf answered the phone and told me that Lili didn't want to speak to me. It was strange because I actually gave my parents time to phone her first, so I phoned them and asked if they remembered to phone her and my dad told me that Dolf kept ignoring their phone calls. He tried phoning again then from another number and Elsabe told my mom that Lili didn't want to speak to them either.

Last night I phoned again and Elsabe told me again that Lili didn't want to speak to me. I just put the phone down without saying a word. I phoned my dad and asked him to phone and he was told the same by Dolf.

Not much I can do about it except just send another email to the social worker. It's just frustrating because she isn't doing much to help me either and I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to see Lili when I go back.

I also told my dad the truth about Xaynee's paternity, but he seems to think that I'm lying about it. He's actually convinced that Johan is her father. Doesn't matter I guess.

Nothing really does.

My oldest brother finally contacted me after more than a year, which is about the only thing that I'm glad about at the moment.

The new immunosupressants the specialist has put me on is causing me to feel like shit, but at least I've got rid of most of the water retention and I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore.

I have finally come to realize that I am really unhappy. Andy and I have been slowly drifting apart and even though I know that he means well and probably does love me, I am starting to doubt that this is going to work out. He is on the computer most of the time when he;s at home, either playing games or doing something else, while I have started to turn my focus to just cleaning the house and doing ironing or watching movies...anything to keep myself busy. I've never felt so alone. He doesn't read my blog anymore either, so I really don't care care what I write in here and even if he does...at least I;m being honest.

The sadness is slowly tearing me apart, but I refuse to cry. Somehow I've found a way to supress all the physical and emotional pain I feel and I choose not to give in to the hurt and pain that goes along with giving in to tears. I just don't think I'll be able to pull through it. Not alone.

My dad sent me these two photos the other day after he got his computer working again, it made me smile for a while at least to see my two little girls when they were still so small.

The one of Xaynee (below) was taken when she was only about a year old and the one of Lili on the right was taken by my dad when she was three years old. It is his favourite picture of her because she was so angry. On the photo she has stones in her hand and the angry look was because my mom told her to throw the stones away before she could get back into the car.




Well, it's 5:30 am now and i'm finally getting tired. I'm actually suprised that I managed to finish this to be honest. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up.

Confession about Xaynee

I've been sitting here in front of the computer for a while now without doing anything really except listen to a few Afrikaans songs. I then read a few blogs and it got me thinking again.

I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing, but lately I just couldn't care less about posting here anymore. Last night it bothered me though, because I know that it helped me to get rid of all of the frustrations and anger and sometimes hurt I feel inside.

I don't really care who reads here or what they think to be honest, I'm just me...being honest and true to myself and about what I am feeling inside. People are very judgemental unfortunately, and that is something I tend to fall victim to easily as I am hurt so easily by words. Andy and I used to chat to this woman from Australia on that mobile site back then before we actually met for example. We were such good friends until Andy and I broke up and this woman turned on me because Andy then had a short relationship with another Australian woman who was her friend. When Andy and I got back together and she read in my old blog about my plans of leaving my children behind in SA and coming to Guernsey, she told me straight that I was a bad mother and so did other people. It was never easy and I had to learn not to let what others think affect me so much.

I'm typing here, but I'm afraid that today I'm not going to make much sense as my thoughts are jumping from one to the next again.

I spoke to Lili on Thursday again, so all is going well with that. I'm more worried about what the hell is going on with Johan. I phoned on Thursday to speak to Xaynee and he said she wasn't with him, she was with his mom. I asked if it would be ok if I phoned on Friday and he said it was. I asked him about the noise in the background and he admitted that he was in a pub, drinking. Then he said that I'll have to phone between 12:00 and 13:30 SA time because he is taking Xaynee back to his mom. Obviously something is going on here. I know he's got the new girlfriend now, so his 'concern' about Xaynee is not what it used to be. It is just so obvious, to me at least that he had been using Xaynee to get to me, but now that doesn't matter anymore because he has found a new supply source for his sick narcissism.

I thought about keeping this out of my blog, but since I've been honest so far and this will bring more perspective on to just how sick a person like Johan can be, I decided that I am going to tell you.

Back in 2002 when I first met Johan at work, we were only together for a few months until he basically told me to take my things and go. So I did. This happened in December 2002 and it was exactly at the time that Lili was supposed to visit Dolf in Kuruman. I decided to visit Kuruman with her and I stayed with Dolf at his parents' place. We actually had a good time and I even went with him to his year-end function. Something happened during the first night we went out though...

I met a guy in the night club we visited whose name was LeRoy. I don't even remember his surname anymore but I ended up going home with him after Dolf got jealous, which he had no right to. Needless to say, this was to me nothing more than a one-night stand, or so I thought at the time. LeRoy was engaged and I knew there were no chance of us ever being together even after he came to visit me at Dolf's parents' house after that a couple of times. Dolf obviously figured out that there was more between me and LeRoy than I was letting on and after I went back to Pretoria with Lili and eventually ended up moving back in with Johan, he also told Johan about me and LeRoy.

Johan wasn't supid and he checked my cellphone and saw LeRoy's number and that he had been phoning me. LeRoy even bought me airtime at times and I truly missed him, but I had to let go eventually. We both had to. He became a memory I knew I could never let go, of a blonde boy with the most stunning eyes I'd ever come across until I saw Andy's dark blue eyes :)

I never claimed to be an innocent young girl and I used to be a rebellious teenager, I wouldn't change a thing about my past though, I learned most of what I know today through the mistakes I made.

Back to LeRoy...

This is the part where it becomes complicated. In May 2003 I found out that I was already 20 weeks pregnant. I was stunned.
Then I made the calculations....

I wasn't with Johan when I became pregnant, and he knew it. He kept asking me if I slept with LeRoy, even until just a few days before I came here. I just couldn't admit it, I was too scared and he knew it.

Fact is, it is highly improbable that Xaynee is Johan's child.

To add to the fact fact that I was away from Johan for almost the whole of December 2002, Xaynee has blonde hair and green eyes and those that have seen her photo will know, she is very light skinned. Johan has got a very dark skin, although he is 'white' (not being racist) and both his other children has that same dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes he's got.

I know that genetically anything is possible, but this is something I never thought of until Andy mentioned it to me again. I told Andy everything about myself and he even knew that I did contact LeRoy afterwards and told him that there was a possibility that Xaynee was his child. He was still engaged to the same girl and he souldn't care less about Xaynee and asked me what I wanted from him. I was hurt but left it there and told him that I just think he ought to know.

I never spoke to LeRoy again, but I remember something about him mentioning something about going to the UK, but this was in 2005.

In the meantime, Johan kept asking me about me and LeRoy for the whole time of our relationship. He didn't consider this when he expected me to register Xaynee at home affairs though because he told me to register her in his name and with him as being her father, even though we both knew what the truth was. He knew that I would submit out of fear.

Maybe now you will understand why it's so important for me to get Xaynee back. Johan had been using her because he was so obsessed with me and he didn't think of what the consequences were going to be. He may say that he loves her, but this man knows absolutely nothing about what love really is. My child deserves so much more.

This is where it comes to my parents. I am still not sure whether it is because Xaynee is Johan's (or so they assume), or because of her disability that they never accepted her. My personal opinion is that it is because of Johan.

This is what angers me the most about my parents. I wonder sometimes if they would have treated her better if I'd been honest from the start. What would they do if I told them now?

This is the thing about being raised the way I was. You just don't talk to your parents about sex or anything related to it and that is exactly what brings situations like these on. This child is being treated badly for me making the mistake of being too scared to be honest about it with my parents because THEY raised me this way.

Been busy lately

I haven't been posting alot lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things for various reasons. Firstly, I thought that if I became more active in dong other things I would be less depressed, and it did help but I couldn't cope. The hepatitis got to me again and I started experiencing water retention that was so bad that I have trouble walking now. I even went to A&E on Monday because the specialist who is treating me wasn't on the island. The doctor on the hospital only gave me tablets to help for the water retention but it didn't help at all so Andy's mom phoned the specialist today and he said the water retention is being caused by the fact that I am on such a high dose of steroids, but that I should stop using the water retention tablets because it is only causing strain on my kidneys. According to him, I just need to lie down and put my feet up. I'm not very happy about that because I don't want to stay in bed, it's only making me depressed because I have too much time to think, but I have an appointment with him on Friday so we'll see what happens then.

I got to speak to Lili on Monday, although she sounded ok, I can still pick up on her being very uncomfortable and I'm getting a bit worried about that. She really does sound excited to see me in September and that makes me happy. What I'm even more worried about is that I sent the social worker an email after I couldn't speak to Lili on Saturday and I told her that I'm really getting worried about Lili. She replied that Dolf didn't show up for their appointment and that he didn't phone with an excuse either. She is having difficulty getting hold of them now. This really doesn't sound good, and September is getting close.

I should try and phone Xaynee, I suppose. I am just having difficulty doing it lately because it makes me so sad to talk to her and not know how much of what I say she actually understands. I also don't want to upset her, but I'm going to phone tomorrow.

Lately I've caught myself feeling guilty about things again that I know isn't really my fault. I feel guilty even for being in Andy's life. He doesn't have to put up with me being ill most of the time and having all this trouble with my children and everything. I think it's got something to do with my dad saying to me that I'm costing Andy alot of money, and to be honest...it's true. That's another reason I haven't been phoning Xaynee, because I feel guilty about the cost of the phone calls to SA. I really hate feeling like this, and what makes it worse is knowing that even if I was allowed to work over here I probably wouldn't have managed with my illness making every second day a living hell for me.

There are times I wish I could explain to someone what I feel like, but I doubt I'll be able to and anyway....there's just no point in trying to.

Father's Day

I wasn't always the little angel my daddy wanted me to be
Sometimes I made him angry
I even made him cry
I must have been a disappointment in so many ways
Knowing he had so many dreams for me
But it's too late now
I can't go back
But my daddy doesn't care
He taught me so many things through the years
My daddy's not a strong man
And he is getting old
But what I know about determination...
He showed me (unknowingly) to push through
Never to give up
I wish I could give my dad a hug today
Not just to say 'Happy Father's Day'
But also 'Thank You' for being who he is
I can use alot of nice words
But in my heart I know that I don't have to
My daddy will understand
He knows me well
Because I am my Daddy's Girl

*Ek is lief vir pappa*

xxx