Sensing that it's the end

Today, a year ago, I must've been the happiest girl in the world. It was the day Andy came to SA to meet me. It was the most amazing feeling, knowing that this guy learned to love me enough to travel halfway across the world just to meet me. It felt unreal...
The day I finally saw him for the very first time I felt so comfortable. I knew that I would love him for the rest of my life, he used to say the same.
A year has passed and things have changed.
Ever since I came back to SA we started drifting apart. Every day that passed, I could feel him slip away a little further. It wasn't his fault, I'm mostly to blame and I am more than willing to admit it.
He hasn't admitted it yet, but I can sense that he doesn't want to continue with this relationship and I can't and will never blame him coz he probably put up with more than anyone I ever knew before could ever manage.
He supported me through my court cases and he was there for me and cared for me while I was ill, I will never forget what he did for me but I want him to be happy and that is why I will let him move on without putting up a fight.
He deserves all the love and happiness in the world for being such a wonderful, caring and loving person.
I will always love him though, just as I always have.

Patience

They say patience is a virtue. Hmmm...

In my view it is some damn way to see how far they can push me coz this is REALLY starting to work on my nerves and I'm gonna lose the plot if this continues.

The social worker in Bloemfontein was supposed to get back to me after she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday. No guessing about whether she did get back to me hey? No she didn't. Ok, so I thought I'd phone yesterday to hear what happened, because she apparently wanted to listen 'what his story was' because he 'had his own plans'. Whatever that may mean. I suppose it's got something to do with getting custody of Lili.

Well, so I phoned and the woman at the switchboard told me that the social worker was busy. I left her a message to please get back to me about what happened via email. It's already 10:00 am SA time and I still haven't received and email.

I also tried to phone Xaynee yesterday morning but Johan had already taken her to school. He said I could phone at 13:00, but when I phoned at about 14:00 his phone was off. How nice.

I've finally discovered the new Children's Act on the internet and I know what the new law says now. Took me a while but at least I'm getting there. I've been looking at it and I'm considering tracking LeRoy down. I've been looking at the dates for the first time without feeling guilty and I know that it is almost impossible for Johan to be Xaynee's father. Actually, I've been looking at it in various ways and when I started looking at Xaynee's photos I saw the resemblance for the first time. It is probably the best and easiest way for me to get her back, even if I have to subpoena LeRoy to appear in court. He won't want anything to do with her anyway, so I really couldn't care less. I'm not sure, but I think that the court may order for DNA tests to be carried out and that is my main concern, although I still don't think that Johan will be the father, it is the time that is worrying me. We're not gonna be in SA for that long and even waiting for Xaynee's passport (when I can finally apply for it without a father's consent) is going to be a problem.

I've got alot of worries piling up at the moment, including my visa. The fees have gone up again and it's gonna cost us R8240, which is about 500 pound. I just hope I get it coz the UK is so damn strict.

Lately Mathew and I have been getting along alot more like we used to and Andy and I have been ok, except for the times when I get really depressed and take it out on him, but that never last very long. My baby understands me better than anyone :o)

Aanvaarding

Nadat ek gister weer met Lili gepraat het en dit my vreeslik ontstel het om haar te hoor se dat sy nie vir die vakansie wanneer ek daar is weer soos laas jaar na my ouers toe wil gaan sodat ons almal daar kan bly vir die vakansie nie, het ek laat gisteraand gaan stap en dit was donker teen die tyd dat Andy my gebel het en vir my gevra het waar ek is omdat hy alreeds by die huis was.

Die afgelope ruk het ek al hoe meer depressief begin raak en dit het weer die punt bereik waar ek nie eers meer in die oggend lus voel om op te staan nie. Wat dit nog erger maak is dat ek alles op Andy uithaal en boonop daarop uit gaan om met hom moeilikheid te soek omdat ek na 'n manier soek om van als wat so opkrop binne in my ontslae te raak. Alhoewel hy soms ook maar ingee en kwaad word vat dit nie lank voordat hy na my toe kom en vir my 'n drukkie gee en my weer moed inpraat nie. Hy is wonderlik en ek weet werklik nie wat ek sonder hom sou gedoen het nie.

Ek het vir Lili gese dat ons in daardie geval dan maar net 'n dag of twee in Bloemfontein sal oorbly sodat sy my darem kan sien, maar diep binne my maak dit so seer om net te dink aan haar "uh-uh" toe ek vir haar vra of sy by my ouers wil gaan kuier.

Dit gaan nou al so lank aan en dis nie haar skuld dat sy van my vervreem is nie, so ek kan haar nie blameer nie. Dolf het sy sin gekry, maar dis nou nog vir my moeilik om in te sien hoe iemand so wreed kan wees.

Hierdie hele situasie met Lili het my die laaste tyd nogal baie laat dink aan die 5 fases van aanvaarding dat jy besig is om dood te gaan nadat ek nou die aand The Bucket List gekyk het. Die 5 fases is natuurlik:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Dis natuurlik op baie gevalle van toepassing en ek weet ook nou dat ek deur meeste hiervan is, behalwe aanvaarding. Ek het altyd gese dat ek nooit sal ophou baklei nie, maar dalk is dit ook tyd dat ek begin aanvaar dat ek niks meer aan die situuasie kan doen nie en dat slegs tyd sal leer.

Miskien is dit tyd dat ek begin fokus op die dinge waaraan ek wel iets kan doen, soos Xaynee.

My gedagtes en my lewe het ontaard in iets wat lyk soos 'n bondel wasgoed in 'n wasmasjien. Ek kon nie meer uitmaak wat wat is nie en een ding loop na 'n ander. Als is net 'n gemors en ek kon nie meer fokus of konsentreer op dit wat werklik saak maak nie.

Dis tyd dat dit verander en dit gaan vandag gebeur.

Ek het besluit om meer aandag te gee aan die hele kwessie wat Xaynee betref, wat natuurlik beteken dat ek weer die hof gaan kontak rakende 'n nuwe hofdatum en ek gaan ook die Departement van Binnelandse Sake email en ook kontak rakende haar geboorte. Hopelik kry ek vir 'n slag iets gedoen want ek is al so moeg vir al die pogings wat tot niks lei nie dat ek al wil skree.

Ek gaan ook begin werk aan punte waarop ek kan fokus wat Xaynee betref want niks gaan my weghou van die dinge want ek nog oorhet in my lewe nie en dit sluit op hierdie stadium net Andy en Xaynee in. Dit beteken nie dat ek vir Lili afgeskryf het nie. Dit maak bitter seer om net aan haar te dink en net die gedagte aan haar pragtige glimlag bring trane in my oe, maar ek kan nie meer my hele lewe van koers af hou ter wille van haar nie. Sy sal altyd 'n plek he by ons en ek sal seker maak dat sy dit weet wanneer ek vir haar gaan hallo se, maar dis tyd om te aanvaar en laat gaan, al is dit nie maklik nie.

Reaching the end

After not phoning Lili on Monday night, thinking I might give it a break, I phoned again tonight and had a long conversation with her which made me realise that this fight is just not worth fighting anymore.

I told her that I was only going to phone her once a week from now on and that my parents are not going to phone her again because she never wants to speak to them. She didn't sound upset or even bothered about it. I asked her if she still wanted to go away with us on holiday when I'm there and she told me straight that she didn't want to.

I had to fight to hold the tears back. It hurt so much to hear all of these things coming from my little girl.

Maybe I was just in denial the whole time, thinking that one day I will have her back.

The way I'm feeling at the moment, I just want to send her her cellphone and forget that I have a daughter. I told her that I'd send her the cellphone and not visit if she wanted to, but she said she did want to see me.

I just don't know how to handle all the pain and hurt inside.

I phoned Xaynee earlier as well but didn't talk to her for very long before I got into another fight with Johan about money that he wants from me for Xaynee. All I wanted to know was Xaynee's shoe size so I could send her some shoes and clothes, but all he wanted was to know whether I was going to send money as well. I'm just so sick and tired of his shit, so I lost my temper, told him "Fuck you" and put down the phone.

This is all coming on top of me not being myself lately. I'm irritated by the smallest things and I'm really moody. I've been taking it out on Andy nd what makes it even worse is that I've cut off most of my emotions to the point where I don't regret it when I hurt him. I swore that I'd never do this to him but I don't know how to handle everything anymore.

I guess it started after that first time he cut himself off me and I started doing the same. I do tend to treat people the way they treat me and it only became worse after that because I'm so frustrated and sad.

I also phoned the Children's Court on Tuesday and asked what happened with the court case and whether it was postponed. A woman called Rachel, to whom I've spoken before, told me that neither the social worker, nor Johan turned up for court and that she will have to talk to the social worker about a new court date.

I guess it's supposed to be good news, but I'm caring less and less and even here, I have been receiving the comments, but I just couldn't bring myself to even publish it.

This is like one long nightmare. I just want it to end. As if I know that the longer I stay here, the harder it's going to be to wake up and get myself back into reality.

I've been having so many second thoughts and regrets about coming here in the first place. Maybe love just wasn't worth it after all. The small things is the things that make up your life, small things like the way you raise a child. I wouldn't want my children to be anything like Andy's brother's daughter. She's a spoiled little brat and she's got absolutely no discipline and even Andy sometimes seems to think that she behaves in the right way while I'm just disgusted to see a child behaving the way she does. Other children here use foul language and the discipline is definitely an issue over here. I don't want my children to be like that.

I have too many thoughts running through my head at the moment and I can't make sense of any of it to be writing here really, I just need to get rid of some of it, so I'm trying.

I don't even want to close my eyes anymore because it only leads to more thoughts...thoughts which lead to pain...and hurt.

This is the cellphone I bought for Lili for her birthday. When I saw it, I just thought that it would be perfect for her. It even has these little butterflies on the front cover. It made me happy to buy this, now I just want to forget about everything.


What is a life with all this hurt and pain worth...?

After taking a break...

As you can see, I took a break from life on the web for a while. I needed to get some kind of direction in my life again, but in the meantime quite a few things happened.

On Thursday I went to work with Andy so we could spend a little more time together. We've both been working on other ways to get more money in and that caused us to be spending alot less time together than we used to. I had to phone Lili from Andy's cellphone, although I didn't have much hope that she would answer after the way things have been going. I was sitting in the corner of the pub and when the cellphone said 19:00, I phoned Dolf's house phone. To my surprise Lili answered with an excited: "Hello Mamma!". We were talking for a while and I told her that I would bring her a few DVD's because I know she loves watching movies, what bothered me though is that twice during our conversation i sounded as if another phone was being used to listen in on our conversation. After the second time that I noticed this, the phone cut off. I tried to phone again and Dolf picked up and started shouting at me that I could phone Lili after 20:00. I was confused until Andy told me that it was in fact 19:00 in SA, apparently the cellphone's time was wrong. It was an honest mistake and I really didn't deserve to be shouted at like that. This is the type of behaviour that Lili sees coming from her dad and it is just wrong. I phoned again after 20:00 and told Lili that my time had been wrong on my cellphone and that it was an honest mistake, she didn't seemed too bothered about it though and just continued talking and she reminded me about her cellphone lol even Andy heard and understood because I had her on speakerphone. She said that she'll speak to me again today, so we'll see what happens later when I phone.

I phoned Xaynee earlier and she is really getting so cute over the phone. I can make out more and more of her words now and it looks like the speech therapy is finally paying off. I still think that she will be better off here where she will get one-on-one treatment and not like there where she is just another child in a class full of children. I really miss my little angel and sometimes I wish that I could just have her here so that I can take her to the beach.

Things have been going better between me and Andy lately and I've also been spending some time with his mom. My health also seems to be improving and I think that most of the symptoms I've been experiencing lately was caused by the new treatment, but my system have adapted to it now and I really hope that it will work so that I can stop using the steroids.

I've been working hard at cleaning up the house during the past two weeks that Andy's gran has been away. They'll be back on Sunday but I'm not really looking forward to it because Mathew gets to me. I didn't realise how nervous he made me until they were gone and I noticed that I was more relaxed.

Yesterday Andy's mom said something that got me upset all over again. The whole issue about me 'not doing anything around the house' was raised by her again. This is a long story but basically it comes down to Andy's family thinking I'm lazy because I haven't really been doing anything around the house since I came here.

This is a difficult issue for me and although I did suffer from jet lag and I had to adjust to the climate and then I became ill, it never had anything to do with me being lazy. The first time this was brought under my attention, I was really shocked and almost disgusted by the way they had been going about talking behind my back. I was raised differently in that aspect, I suppose. If you haven't discussed something with someone first, don't even dare talk about the issue about that person with me because that person has a right to know first. I don't go about talking about people behind their backs and if I have something to say, I say it, which caused people over here to regard me as being too abrupt. I don't care though.

I was raised to respect people, and with that also their way of life and their belongings. When I came to live here, it was difficult for me to 'place myself' and I was scared. It wasn't my house and I tried to do things the way I would have in SA, but even these people and their culture differ from us. For example, I would feel offended if someone came to live in my house and change or clean certain things in their own way. It gives you that feeling of 'not being good enough' for this person. That was my issue when I came here to be honest. I was so afraid that I might offend anyone that it seemed easier to just back away. Trying to make people understand this isn't easy though and I'm really upset about the fact that even Andy's mom never told me the truth about how his gran felt, not until yesterday that is. It is only AFTER I started doing things out of my own, mostly because I felt comfortable with no one being around, that she told me. I have to admit that I didn't really have the energy to do the things I have been doing lately when I first came here, but now I'm scared of how I'm going to keep doing things once his gran is back and everything is back to normal. I'm going to feel uncomfortable, that's just the way I am.

More bad news

Andy woke me up this morning. His first words was "You'll be surprised at what I read."

I was wrong.

He read my blog and he's hurt. I didn't know what to say and I'm still not sure how I feel. All I know is that he's all that I have left and that I do love him. If I lost him that would take all my reason for keeping this fight up away. I'm not even sure if he's going to come home this afternoon and on the one hand I want to phone him and ask him to please come home, but I'm scared because I don't want to bother him at work.

I phoned the person I had to complain to about the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case earlier because it is almost the 30th and I need to know if they will postpone the court case for me. This person told me that he received my letter last week already. These people just never fail to surprise me. Why didn't he come back to me?! He just said that he still needs to talk to the social worker and that he will phone me back.

i then phoned Lili's social worker and was informed by the woman at the switchboard that the social worker is on holiday until the 10th of July. At this point you should please excuse my language, but WHAT THE FUCK???

So I asked the woman if there is another social worker who I could talk to and I was told that the other one is on sick leave.

There are only 3 things that you can do in a case like this: laugh, cry or get angry.

Tears and anger will get me nowhere, so I just chose to laugh. Then I phoned Xaynee and although she seemed kind of distant she sounded happy to talk to me.

Then Johan started on me again about maintenance. The more I try to explain to him that there is no way that I can pay maintenance unless I work because the court won't hold Andy responsible, the less he seemed to understand it. Next thing, he said that he is going to sue my parents for maintenance then. Before thinking, I broke down and just put the phone down after I told him that he and Dolf are the two cruelest people I've ever come across. He only replied that I'm the cruel one before I put the phone down. I realized later that he's not entitled to maintenance anyway unless he has full custody or is awarded anything by the Children's Court during the next court case.

I shouldn't have let him get to me, but I'm really sad about Andy and hurting him. I know I am being selfish, but it feels like I'm living in a trance where reality is just passing in front of my eyes and I'm not really part of it. I wish I knew how to pull myself together. I've done it before, I can't let it win me this time.

Looking for a way...

This song describes so much of what I went through when I came here.

I'm not homesick, I'm just sad.

I translated this song for Andy before we met, didn't know back then what was going to happen or what it would feel like sitting thousands of miles away from my children and the place that I called 'home' for 25 years. It is unfortunately an afrikaans song, but some of these words are just so spot on with the description of what happened.

"Ek het jou dopgehou, met 'n jas in jou hand
Deur doeane gespook, na 'n nuwe land
Jou oe was natgehuil, maar jou hart was braaf"

It's strange, seeing the words and having these memories. I didn't have an easy time going through customs, after not being allowed on the plane the first time and then they had a problem with the fact that it was my first trip to the UK and the UK immigration rules are very strict.
I even had a coat with me, makes me smile. It was still hot in SA when I left, but I knew it would be cold over here so I took the coat with me on the plane. My sister-in-law actually gave it to me, she worked in England a long time ago and she told me that I would need it.
I didn't cry until I got on the plane, not even when my dad bought me a P.S. chocolate bar (I still have it) with the words "Ek is lief vir jou.", my dad later told me how proud he is of me for being so brave.
I didn't realize what he meant at first, but thinking about it now, I must have been brave. I left my country, my family, my children, and everything I had behind and I got on a plane and left to start a new life on an island I never even heard of until 2 years earlier. For someone like me that was a big accomplishment, after all, I hadn't made any of my own decisions for quite some time. The only thing that I was sure of was that I had someone who loved me who was waiting for me in England on Heathrow airport.

I wonder sometimes what the real story behind this song was.

Andy and I ofcourse hadn't seen each other for 6 weeks by the time I got to England. During that time this song reminded me of the time we took him to Brooklyn Mall and of how much fun we had together. He also wrote me a letter the night before he left, he had hidden it in my handbag. I still have it.

"Vir die eerste maand was my hart verniel
Oral waar ek kom is ek 'n derde wiel
Maar die tyd sal leer was ons woorde
Ek het jou lief, was jou brief
Jy's 'n poet my ding
Jy moet aanhou sing
Deur die internet praat ons gou-gou weer"

It actually used to hurt, and I mean HURT, whenever we used to speak over Skype or on the phone. I used to listen to this:



(not the original video) Far Away - Nickleback

...and it made me cry. I could hear his voice inside my head...singing this song to me, the way he used to. He's got an amazing voice and I used to stare at him whenever he sang anything to me, it took my breath away.

This song also had a very special meaning to us because of the way we kept loving each other even after we broke up the first time.

It was as though the words were especially written for us.

I'm just looking for a way to stay positive I guess. I've been crying so much tonight and I'm looking for something to hold on to because Andy is at work and his gran and Mathew left for America this morning, so I'm a bit lonely.

I tried to phone Lili earlier...

Elsabe told me she didn't want to talk to me. I didn't want to believe it, so I said to Elsabe I want to hear Lili say it, so I heard Lili say in the background that she didn't want to talk to me...



It hurt so much, but there was nothing I could do so I told Elsabe to tell Lili that I'll phone again on Monday.

I guess Dolf finally did it.

Not sure how to stay positive anymore. There's just nothing positive to see in the fact that my own daughter don't want to speak to me.

Still, I won't give up. I'll just have to hang on to the hope that one day she will understand.

I won't allow them to destroy me, I've come too far for that and I have a wonderful man to hold on to, I owe him my life and my love.



We waited for what seemed like a lifetime to be together and he may not be perfect, and neither am I, but he makes me smile. He's the one who gives me back my strength every time I want to give up and he's the one who keeps me safe.

Love is something you can't describe. It's like a soft breeze that makes your spirit fly, gentle enough not to remove you from what is important to you, it will not hurt you. Yet, it's strong and steady enough, like a rock, when you need something to hold on to when your days are filled with rain and thunderstorms. It won't let you down...and it never forgets.



I may cry a million tears, sometimes I don't and I just let the river of pain run through me...but it won't take away the love I feel in my heart for my two angel girls....

I just don't get it!

Well, it's the same old story...

Tried to phone Lili NINE TIMES on all of her father's different numbers and they wouldn't answer it. It's strange that when I phone Elsabe's number that they do actually ignore the phone call, but on his cell and the house phone they just don't answer.

Am I stupid or something here? Coz I just don't get why they don't want me to speak to my daughter. I never did that to him, so what is he trying to accomplish? Everything was fine when I spoke to Lili on Monday, she sounded ok and now I'm just worried and sad all over again.

Not a good time for that either to be honest.

At least I got hold of Xaynee earlier and I can hear that she really misses me. She sounded so sad, I could hear it in her voice and it just made me feel even worse. She needs me.

I just don't know. Things are just getting worse by the day now and I suspect that it may be my fault. When Andy came home this afternoon, he spent his time playing WOW on the PC. We don't get to spend much time together anymore because he had to go back to work at around 17:00. I was upset but kept it to myself and went to sleep after I posted my earlier entry from my phone.

I wish I could make everything right again. He doesn't really know how to handle the fact that it hurts me so much that I can't be with my children, but when I try to explain it to him it's like talking to a brick wall. I just don't get through to him. There were times while we were still just chatting, before we actually met, that I did pick up that he tends to do this but he usually got back to being himself again in a few days. It's not getting better though and neither am I.

I'm not even sure if I'm angry or surprised about the fact that Solf wouldn't let me speak to Lili, nothing surprises me anymore. I refuse to get depressed though, I'd rather not feel anything than sit and feel sorry for myself.

I was worried about it that I'm turning into this cold person again and I remembered that it's been days since I last cried. So I thought if I watched the video I made for my kiddiez, then just maybe I'll feel something. I didn't and I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

Andy doesn't deserve this really. He's always been there for me and gave me everything he could, how can I do this to him? I don't want to, but I don't know how to change the way I feel.

Worried

I've been worried for a while now about the way I have been feeling lately.
I mentioned to Andy the other night that it felt to me that we're drifting apart. He just feels so distant and I can't seem to get through to him any longer. He said in his blog that it was because he felt guilty for taking me away from my children and that it hurts him to see me so sad. Maybe it's just my own fault. I'm having thoughts about going back again and it's not just because it feels like I'm losing Andy. In a way I know that he isn't being completely honest and I'm hardly eyes wrong.
I really thought our love was strong enough to get through this, but I don't know anymore. . .

People who interrupt you

I am just so angry right now, I want to scream! This is totally unlike me but lately this has been getting to me. I am almost sure that I mentioned this in an earlier post but it just seems to be getting worse and maybe I am the one over-reacting here, I don't know. I know that I can't expect Andy to be PERFECT, but I really wish that he'd stop interrupting me when I am talking. To me there is no way of showing more disrespect than by interrupting someone while that person is talking. Maybe it was just the way I was raised. I remember how my parents used to discipline us if we interrupted them and maybe it just stuck. It is just that the way I see it, someone can't REALLY be listening to you if they have been thinking of saying whatever they interrupt you with. It just doesn't make sense and it makes me angry because I don't want people to PRETEND to be listening when in fact they are not. Just say you don't want to listen then.

In desperate need of sleep

I just realized that I NEED SLEEP!! It hit me with a bang that I had actually posted my ex's cellphone number with my previous entry and I had to run downstairs and beg Mathew to use his pc so I could remove it lol I don't think me and lack of sleep go together very well. I am really tired and not thinking straight, but then again...I was also angry. My baby isn't home yet and I don't like being alone. I miss him so much tonight, it is strange because I never get like this.

My Recent Thoughts

I have been reading loads of blogs and articles lately and it helped me more than I think even I realised. Yesterday I talked to a woman from the International Social Services and although she had alot of sympathy with me, she was also honest and I think I needed that. She told me that if Dolf is already doing this, and by that I mean ignoring my phone calls etc., that no court or social worker is going to stop him as he seems to just get away with everything. I never thought of it like that and thinking about it, it is true when you look at the way he just ignored the maintenance court order, despite his sentence and he just got away with it. It made me sad and angry. When Andy came home I didn't even want to talk to him until I finally couldn't keep it in any longer. I just cried and cried as he held me and I kept asking why it was happening to me. I calmed down after a while but the smallest things just seem to upset me and I even had a go at Mathew again. I feel guilty but I also know that Mathew will understand when I apologise. I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't do anything and pray that my little girl will understand one day. I asked the social worker how I am going to go about if I want to send Lili a birthday present and she said that I should send it to her and that she will ask Dolf if it will be ok to give it to her. That upset me just as much because I am her mother and he now has the right to say if it is ok if I send her things. She also said that she had an appointment with them to go and speak to Lili on Thursday and I asked her to tell my little girl that I love her.

She also gave me information about Xaynee and told me that I will in fact not be able to take her out of SA without Johan's permission because the new law has already been implemented. I told her that the social worker on Xaynee's case doesn't want me to talk to Xaynee and she told me to report her to the organisation's head office.

I then phoned Johan but he didn't have Xaynee with him. I talked to him for a while and I actually feel sorry for him and hate him at the same time.

He was going on about how much he loved me and still does and how he can't understand how I could have sex with him a few days before I left. He really is so pathetic. So I told him again that I only did it because of the way he abused me and threatened me with Xaynee and I reminded him that I never told him I loved him. So he started blaming me and told me that I left him in a mess and that he had no money to care for Xaynee.

I tried to explain to him again that Andy and I want to share custody with him and he started off again about how Andy always swear at him over the phone and that he doesn't know what it's like over here. I told him again to stop lying because I know that Andy didn't just start swearing at him without Johan provoking him into it by bad-mouthing me or just swearing at Andy. Johan then said it... 'I will not let him raise my child!'

There he just proved two things.

1. He has serious psychological issues. No normal person can lie like that and not be a psychopath.

2. He will not allow Andy to raise his child and yet he wants his money? He knows very well that it is not my money and that it will be coming from Andy. Revenge maybe?

He also proved a third thing...

He wasn't thinking of Xaynee, he is just obsessed with getting me back and even though he says he can't afford to look after her, he won't think of what is best for her by giving her back to me if only for a while. He just doesn't want ANDY to raise Xaynee. Jealousy.

Question is. .

If I raise these things in court, will I get the court to give me permission to take Xaynee out of SA?

I have so much proof. Johan has been threatening me and abusing me via sms's and all of these things he has sent in text.

Will that be enough to get my little girl back and should I get back into this fight?

I don't know but I sure as hell am gonna contact my attorney in SA today.

Hmmm. . .

Feeling better

The steroids seem to be working because I have alot more energy and I'm even gonna go up to Andy's work tomorrow so I can spend a little more time with him.

I'm really proud of him and he is happy in his new work, that makes me glad :o)

Tonight I spent some time with Andy's gran and Mathew and we were playing some game I never saw in South Africa, it was fun because I've been keeping to myself alot lately and Mathew and I are also back on speaking terms after we've sorted out most of our issues.

I'm feeling less depressed as well since I made my decision to let go a little bit of my situation.

There is no use in crying the whole time, I am going to focus on getting healthy for the time being because I have a future and there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view either, in the end, whatever happens...nothing will change the way I feel about my children and even though I feel that there were alot of people who conspired against me, one day it will be their debt to pay.

I will also continue in telling my story and I will add extra bits and pieces to it as I remember them. I need to do it, it's just my way of accepting my past and moving on. I need to do it for Andy's sake, actually I should have done it a long time ago.

I am thinking about leaving the choice up to Johan, if he decides to allow his jealousy and obsession to cloud his mind...in the end he's gonna be the one to deal with his conscience. I can offer and provide Xaynee the love, care, and medical treatment she deserves and I will never keep her from seeing her father. I am just not the type of person who will take revenge. If Johan wants to take that away from my little girl, so be it. I can't fight against South Africa's laws and corrupt justice system, that doesn't mean that I am not going to get an attorney and go to court, but if I can't bring her here then Johan will be the one depriving her of a decent future.

As far as Lili is concerned, I haven't really decided yet. All I know is that I want my little princess to be happy and whatever happens...I will make sure she is just that before I'm making any decisions.

It's time for me to start focusing on what I have and that is a wonderful, loving and caring man who will do anything to make me happy. I want him to be happy too, because after all he's helped me with and all the support he has given me, I haven't done much to make him feel that I'm thankful. He has given me a chance and he saw in me the person I forgot I can be. He accepted me unconditionally and I want him to know that I will do whatever I can to make up for the second chance at life he has given me.

It is not always easy for me to talk to anyone here and expressing my feelings is even harder because I'm not english but Andy is the one person who just seems to understand without me even having to explain. I wish I could convince him to start fighting for visitation rights for his daughter, I would love to see and meet his little girl and I would really like for her to be a part of our life together. He just seems so hesitant. He doesn't really talk about it and he's convinced that it's going to be hard and I can understand that he might feel scared. He just doesn't want to get his hopes up and then get disappointed, but I have a very strong feeling that he should start dealing with that part of his life too. I know he is going to read this eventually and I hope he won't be upset with me. I just think he's already proved that he can act responsibly if he's got the motivation to do so. His past and everything that goes with it shouldn't keep him from seeing his daughter, I hope he understands that I am feeling really strong about this.

Anyway, I read a quote a long time ago...

„Just because a person made mistakes, that doesn't make him a bad person.″

I mentioned this to Andy tonight and he agreed, as I think anyone will do.

I've made many mistakes, but I learned from them and it made me the person I am today.

I just want my baby to be happy and if you're reading this...

Baby, I love you and thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for understanding and accepting me and thank you for being who you are because you made me the person I am today xxx

Me vs The Game

I like to think of myself as a nice, calm, relaxed type of person. I would rather observe, rather than partake in any type of situation.

I'm patient, caring and loyal to those close to me but don't play with my other side cause you'll get eaten up as my main course dinner, I don't just bite.

Tonight my other side has been dying to surface. I'm in a very bad mood and suprising as it may seem...a damn pc game is the reason.

Why?

It's absorbing my fiance!

It sneaked it's way into the house, took over BOTH the computers I have access to, possessed my fiance and his brother and I'm left with my stupid i-mate cellphone and absolutely no one to talk to.

It's not my type of game, so I can't even join in their 'fun'.

I'm lying in bed all alone and all I'm hearing is THE GAME.

No, I'm not jealous because I can't play it, I'm furious because when I try talking to Andy, he keeps his focus on THE GAME while he's pretending to listen to me. Oh he HEARS me alright, he just doesn't listen.

Then I have Johan phoning me, asking me to phone him back. I'm worried that something might be wrong with Xaynee, so I do and what does he want? He wants to know how I'm doing and when I'm coming back.

He keeps asking me whether that social worker has contacted me yet, I wonder why.

For my baby x

After Andy left South Africa in January, I was heartbroken. We used to talk on Skype or on the phone and it literally hurt.

He sent me this song and the words just made me cry every time I listened to it. He was in Guernsey and I was in South Africa, all I had was memories of the two most wonderful weeks of my entire life. Images kept flashing through my head...especially of when he walked away from me on the airport to get on the plane.

Set The Fire To The Third Bar - Snow Patrol
(feat. Martha Wainwright)

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd 'B'
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

Things on my mind

I went for my ultrasound today. I was shocked to see just how damaged my liver really is and according to the doctor I have severe cirrhosis of the liver. I'm still waiting for them to get back to me about my blood tests.

Andy is really worried and I am feeling kinda guilty, I know he never really expected to see me like this.

I'm a bit upset with something his mom said today, but maybe I'm just being over-sensitive. She knows that Andy and I had a row with his brother and his girlfriend about the whole racist issue. Today she made it clear just how much she likes Andy's brother's girlfriend. I'm not bothered by the fact that she likes her, I just thought his mother would be more considerate. Andy has also started to talk to his brother again, I just can't forget what they said and I don't like his girlfriend. I won't pretend.

Another thing has been playing on my mind...

My parents.

Since that day I asked him to help me get Xaynee back and he replied in not so many words that I should go back and sort it out myself, I haven't heard from them. I did tell my dad that I was sick, he hasn't even bothered asking me how I'm doing.

How am I supposed NOT to be angry, sad and hurt?

At least I had the chance to talk to Xaynee tonight :o)

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mothers Day in South Africa. I guess I'm happy that I slept for most of the day, I just didn't want to experience it.

It just hurts so much, just thinking that my daughter probably gave her stepmother a card or present while her dad is too selfish to allow me to even talk to her.

Saturday I tried phoning Lili again. At first they didn't answer the home telephone so I tried Dolf's cellphone again and Lili answered. She hardly answered before I heard her dad shouting in the background that she should ask me why I didn't phone on Thursday. I explained to Lili but she admitted that it was her dad who wanted to know and not her. Lili understands, she knows about my illness and that I'm not very well. I just wish someone would open their eyes and see that she isn't happy. I can hear it in her voice and it breaks my heart.

I didn't phone my mom though, I'm still angry about Xaynee. I feel disgusted by my parents' attitude, so they shouldn't expect too much from me.

Andy's mom is such a wonderful, easy-going person. Sometimes I have to keep myself from wishing that my mother was more like her. I don't think Andy appreciates his mother enough and he knows it, so I know that I'm going to pay for this later (he reads my blog behind my back lol).

That reminds me, I kinda 'forced' him to start a blog again. I used to love his blog entries, it was an easy way to get inside his head hehe

Well, this post went from depressing to happy, that's just how my moods go. Poor Andy, I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes.

I'm really proud of him though, he's gone out and proved to me that he will work to keep me here and that meant alot to me. He's also happy in his work, and that is all I really want for him, even though I get lonely when he isn't here.

Maybe it's time...

After today... I just can't help thinking and feeling that it's time to give up on this fight. I've been fighting for so long and I have put my whole life on hold, I'm losing my fight against my illness and my depression slowly. I can feel myself slipping away. My heart breaks a little more every time I hear that people like my dad today, have spoken to Lili and they tell me that she sounds happy and content. Yet, the next day they press me for answers about what's going on with the social workers.

I just don't know anymore.

Today I phoned the Department of Social Development in Bloemfontein. I was given another telephone number then but there was no answer. I phoned back and forth while I was sitting there thinking...another dead-end street.

Eventually I phoned Child Welfare but the social worker was busy, so I spoke to a student there who took down all the details and told me that she will give it through to the social worker. So now it's another long wait...

I love my children so much, but this is starting to get to me. I don't think I'm ever going to get them back.

At least Andy proved today that he really is willing to work. He is going for an interview tomorrow morning.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, but at this stage I just feel that I'm fighting a losing battle. I can only give so much until there is nothing left to give.

Arguments...

I can see another sleepless night coming. I'm getting more and more depressed every day. The hurt and pain is getting to me and I've been taking it out on Andy. I don't know how he puts up with this.
Friday night I went over to Catherine's and it all went wrong when all of them made Andy out to be lazy and irresponsible. I wanted to give up and go back to SA right then and there. I slept over there and didn't go home. I thought Andy had been lying to me but it turns out I got it all wrong. Still, we had a huge argument. When we finally talked things through I felt guilty. It was different for me, a normal argument. No violence or abuse.
Andy did promise me in the end that he'd go out on Tuesday and start looking for a steady work and I do want to trust him, but I have to admit that trust has always been an issue for me.

At the moment everything is just so difficult for me, I'm tired of ending up in dead-end streets. I'm tired of making phone calls and sending emails and never getting anywhere. When is this going to stop?

Sometimes I wonder

Is it ok if I feel sorry for myself?
Is it ok if I feel that I don't deserve this?
Is it ok if I just hate my life and want to die?

I guess not.

But...

I may have destroyed the one person that ever truly loved me's love for me tonight and even though I did what I thought best, I'm sad.

I gave Andy an ultimatum tonight and told him that either he starts working or I go back to South Africa.

He just doesn't seem to understand that I am feeling guilty, confused and angry and even here it is difficult for me to explain.

In South Africa, people will do almost anything to find a proper work to provide for their families. I remember going to sleep sometimes, crying because I didn't know where we were going to find the money to buy food. Always having to borrow money from my parents and go through customers treating me like shit, because I had to phone and ask for work basically. That, while Andy won't work for 200 pounds a week because he thinks it's crap work. Since I've been here, he has made no attempt to look for a steady job and that is getting to me. I am not allowed to work here without a visa and that makes me feel guilty for just being here.

Andy stormed out of the house in the end and I don't think he really cares what I'm going to do. He told me straight that I must just do what I want to do.

If I go back to SA, at least I can try to find work and fight to get my kids back, won't be easy though. I just hate being dependant of Andy and he's just waiting around for the next loose job to come around.

To top that, Johan asked me for money to take Xaynee to the doctor. I told him that I will ask my dad to take her and pay for it, he said that I had an attitude and that I won't speak to Xaynee ever again. He then called me a whore and a bad mother. He even dragged my parents into it by saying I'm just as bad a parent as they are. He also said I won't speak to Lili again. I stayed calm through it all, more because I'm so tired of all the fighting than because of anything else.

I wish I knew what to do and I feel so alone. I'm still angry because of everything that Andy's family has said about me and I feel like I don't belong here.

If there really is a God out there, I'm praying that he will help me. It hurts so much not to have my children with me, it feels like my heart's been ripped out and my life has no meaning anymore.