Another night went by and I didn't sleep. I'm torturing myself really, I know it and I still do it.
I've been so depressed and moody the past week that I'm almost surprised that Andy hasn't put me on a plane back to SA yet. Sometimes I felt so guilty about the way I was treating him, but mostly my anger and frustration took over. He just kept to himself mostly and waited until I calmed down and eventually break down and cried then he just held me in his arms. I know that I would never be so lucky again to get a man like him and that I probably don't appreciate him enough, but it's as though the time of going back to SA is draawing closer, the more it is affecting me. Andy is the one who keeps me strong and he always make me see things more positively. I feel like a cruel person.
I phoned Lili again last night and for the first time in ages I could recognise my child speaking to me. We had a long conversation and she sounds so excited to see me that it made me miss her even more. I promised her that I would bring her some PC games and DVDs because I know how much she loves watching DVDs and she started playing on the PC when she was only 2 years old. She even sounds excited to meet Andy and she said that she will speak english if she has to, she doesn't mind and she understands that he doesn't understand Afrikaans.
I went to see the specialist on Wednesday and he changed the dosage of my medication again. My water retention is still bad but it seems to be getting better and the specialist was happy with the results of my blood tests. It did upset me when he said that a liver transplant later on in the future is more a probability than a possibility, but then again I expected it and I really couldn't care less about my health at the moment as my main concern is my children and nothing else.
I started emailing people again after my previous post and finally got a reply from the Department of Social Development in SA. They said I should contact ISS UK. I stared at the email and the only thing that went through my head was WHAT THE FUCK???
I mean I contacted ISS UK in May already and they told me that they couldn't help me. So I forwarded that email I received from ISS UK to the Department of Social Development and they contaced ISS UK which in turn emailed me and told me that they understood that I was going back to SA permanently and that was why they said they couldn't help me. What bullshit. I mean really!! I made it clear to the damn woman that I was engaged to Andy and everything, I guess she was just covering her ass but I left it there. Then the guy asked me for the Children's Court order. Luckily I requested it to be sent to my dad about a month ago, not sure why now to be honest but I;m glad I did. I emailed the guy the whole background story about Lili and Xaynee together with the court order, but they are moving their offices and he probably won't reply before the 22nd. So now I'm waiting again.
The reason I couldn't sleep AGAIN was that except for feeling really crap, my head keeps racing and I'm trying to think of ways to get Xaynee back in my care. I've been on the net the whole night, just looking at the law and how it affects my case. I can't remember where I got the info that Johan had to give his consent if I wanted to take Xaynee out of SA because he is registered as her natural father, I think someone must have SAID it to me because all of the laws and the sites I've looked at says that I don't need his consent. Everything is just so confusing when it comes to SA, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with it anymore.
I still think that I'm just going to go with trying to get Johan's name removed from the birth register. Guess I'll have to see what happens in court, that is if someone gets back to me SOME day with a new date that is. They are just so damn pathetic in that damn country it makes me want to scream when I have to pick up the phone.
I went one step higher with the complaint regarding the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case as well. I emailed the director at the head office of the organisation she is working for and threatened them with the SACSSP. They actually sent me a reply just to acknowledge receipt of my complaint and said they will investigate it and reply as soon as possible. I was really surprised. Still, it just goes to show you to what extremes you have to go to just to get something done. Nothing is easy when it comes to SA.
Showing posts with label Auto-immune hepatitis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Auto-immune hepatitis. Show all posts
Friday, July 18, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
After taking a break...
As you can see, I took a break from life on the web for a while. I needed to get some kind of direction in my life again, but in the meantime quite a few things happened.
On Thursday I went to work with Andy so we could spend a little more time together. We've both been working on other ways to get more money in and that caused us to be spending alot less time together than we used to. I had to phone Lili from Andy's cellphone, although I didn't have much hope that she would answer after the way things have been going. I was sitting in the corner of the pub and when the cellphone said 19:00, I phoned Dolf's house phone. To my surprise Lili answered with an excited: "Hello Mamma!". We were talking for a while and I told her that I would bring her a few DVD's because I know she loves watching movies, what bothered me though is that twice during our conversation i sounded as if another phone was being used to listen in on our conversation. After the second time that I noticed this, the phone cut off. I tried to phone again and Dolf picked up and started shouting at me that I could phone Lili after 20:00. I was confused until Andy told me that it was in fact 19:00 in SA, apparently the cellphone's time was wrong. It was an honest mistake and I really didn't deserve to be shouted at like that. This is the type of behaviour that Lili sees coming from her dad and it is just wrong. I phoned again after 20:00 and told Lili that my time had been wrong on my cellphone and that it was an honest mistake, she didn't seemed too bothered about it though and just continued talking and she reminded me about her cellphone lol even Andy heard and understood because I had her on speakerphone. She said that she'll speak to me again today, so we'll see what happens later when I phone.
I phoned Xaynee earlier and she is really getting so cute over the phone. I can make out more and more of her words now and it looks like the speech therapy is finally paying off. I still think that she will be better off here where she will get one-on-one treatment and not like there where she is just another child in a class full of children. I really miss my little angel and sometimes I wish that I could just have her here so that I can take her to the beach.
Things have been going better between me and Andy lately and I've also been spending some time with his mom. My health also seems to be improving and I think that most of the symptoms I've been experiencing lately was caused by the new treatment, but my system have adapted to it now and I really hope that it will work so that I can stop using the steroids.
I've been working hard at cleaning up the house during the past two weeks that Andy's gran has been away. They'll be back on Sunday but I'm not really looking forward to it because Mathew gets to me. I didn't realise how nervous he made me until they were gone and I noticed that I was more relaxed.
Yesterday Andy's mom said something that got me upset all over again. The whole issue about me 'not doing anything around the house' was raised by her again. This is a long story but basically it comes down to Andy's family thinking I'm lazy because I haven't really been doing anything around the house since I came here.
This is a difficult issue for me and although I did suffer from jet lag and I had to adjust to the climate and then I became ill, it never had anything to do with me being lazy. The first time this was brought under my attention, I was really shocked and almost disgusted by the way they had been going about talking behind my back. I was raised differently in that aspect, I suppose. If you haven't discussed something with someone first, don't even dare talk about the issue about that person with me because that person has a right to know first. I don't go about talking about people behind their backs and if I have something to say, I say it, which caused people over here to regard me as being too abrupt. I don't care though.
I was raised to respect people, and with that also their way of life and their belongings. When I came to live here, it was difficult for me to 'place myself' and I was scared. It wasn't my house and I tried to do things the way I would have in SA, but even these people and their culture differ from us. For example, I would feel offended if someone came to live in my house and change or clean certain things in their own way. It gives you that feeling of 'not being good enough' for this person. That was my issue when I came here to be honest. I was so afraid that I might offend anyone that it seemed easier to just back away. Trying to make people understand this isn't easy though and I'm really upset about the fact that even Andy's mom never told me the truth about how his gran felt, not until yesterday that is. It is only AFTER I started doing things out of my own, mostly because I felt comfortable with no one being around, that she told me. I have to admit that I didn't really have the energy to do the things I have been doing lately when I first came here, but now I'm scared of how I'm going to keep doing things once his gran is back and everything is back to normal. I'm going to feel uncomfortable, that's just the way I am.
On Thursday I went to work with Andy so we could spend a little more time together. We've both been working on other ways to get more money in and that caused us to be spending alot less time together than we used to. I had to phone Lili from Andy's cellphone, although I didn't have much hope that she would answer after the way things have been going. I was sitting in the corner of the pub and when the cellphone said 19:00, I phoned Dolf's house phone. To my surprise Lili answered with an excited: "Hello Mamma!". We were talking for a while and I told her that I would bring her a few DVD's because I know she loves watching movies, what bothered me though is that twice during our conversation i sounded as if another phone was being used to listen in on our conversation. After the second time that I noticed this, the phone cut off. I tried to phone again and Dolf picked up and started shouting at me that I could phone Lili after 20:00. I was confused until Andy told me that it was in fact 19:00 in SA, apparently the cellphone's time was wrong. It was an honest mistake and I really didn't deserve to be shouted at like that. This is the type of behaviour that Lili sees coming from her dad and it is just wrong. I phoned again after 20:00 and told Lili that my time had been wrong on my cellphone and that it was an honest mistake, she didn't seemed too bothered about it though and just continued talking and she reminded me about her cellphone lol even Andy heard and understood because I had her on speakerphone. She said that she'll speak to me again today, so we'll see what happens later when I phone.
I phoned Xaynee earlier and she is really getting so cute over the phone. I can make out more and more of her words now and it looks like the speech therapy is finally paying off. I still think that she will be better off here where she will get one-on-one treatment and not like there where she is just another child in a class full of children. I really miss my little angel and sometimes I wish that I could just have her here so that I can take her to the beach.
Things have been going better between me and Andy lately and I've also been spending some time with his mom. My health also seems to be improving and I think that most of the symptoms I've been experiencing lately was caused by the new treatment, but my system have adapted to it now and I really hope that it will work so that I can stop using the steroids.
I've been working hard at cleaning up the house during the past two weeks that Andy's gran has been away. They'll be back on Sunday but I'm not really looking forward to it because Mathew gets to me. I didn't realise how nervous he made me until they were gone and I noticed that I was more relaxed.
Yesterday Andy's mom said something that got me upset all over again. The whole issue about me 'not doing anything around the house' was raised by her again. This is a long story but basically it comes down to Andy's family thinking I'm lazy because I haven't really been doing anything around the house since I came here.
This is a difficult issue for me and although I did suffer from jet lag and I had to adjust to the climate and then I became ill, it never had anything to do with me being lazy. The first time this was brought under my attention, I was really shocked and almost disgusted by the way they had been going about talking behind my back. I was raised differently in that aspect, I suppose. If you haven't discussed something with someone first, don't even dare talk about the issue about that person with me because that person has a right to know first. I don't go about talking about people behind their backs and if I have something to say, I say it, which caused people over here to regard me as being too abrupt. I don't care though.
I was raised to respect people, and with that also their way of life and their belongings. When I came to live here, it was difficult for me to 'place myself' and I was scared. It wasn't my house and I tried to do things the way I would have in SA, but even these people and their culture differ from us. For example, I would feel offended if someone came to live in my house and change or clean certain things in their own way. It gives you that feeling of 'not being good enough' for this person. That was my issue when I came here to be honest. I was so afraid that I might offend anyone that it seemed easier to just back away. Trying to make people understand this isn't easy though and I'm really upset about the fact that even Andy's mom never told me the truth about how his gran felt, not until yesterday that is. It is only AFTER I started doing things out of my own, mostly because I felt comfortable with no one being around, that she told me. I have to admit that I didn't really have the energy to do the things I have been doing lately when I first came here, but now I'm scared of how I'm going to keep doing things once his gran is back and everything is back to normal. I'm going to feel uncomfortable, that's just the way I am.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Second thoughts
I'm not even really in the mood to be typing here. I haven't slept all night and I'm depressed and sad. Everything is finally getting to me end I don't have the wiilpower to stop it any longer because I am just not happy.
I can go on for ages and explain how I'm feeling but I really can't be bothered anymore. As I'm mainly keeping this blog to keep record of everything as far as my shildren are concerned, I don't see the point in even complaining about it anymore.
Im just fed up to be honest.
On Saturday Dolf answered the phone and told me that Lili didn't want to speak to me. It was strange because I actually gave my parents time to phone her first, so I phoned them and asked if they remembered to phone her and my dad told me that Dolf kept ignoring their phone calls. He tried phoning again then from another number and Elsabe told my mom that Lili didn't want to speak to them either.
Last night I phoned again and Elsabe told me again that Lili didn't want to speak to me. I just put the phone down without saying a word. I phoned my dad and asked him to phone and he was told the same by Dolf.
Not much I can do about it except just send another email to the social worker. It's just frustrating because she isn't doing much to help me either and I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to see Lili when I go back.
I also told my dad the truth about Xaynee's paternity, but he seems to think that I'm lying about it. He's actually convinced that Johan is her father. Doesn't matter I guess.
Nothing really does.
My oldest brother finally contacted me after more than a year, which is about the only thing that I'm glad about at the moment.
The new immunosupressants the specialist has put me on is causing me to feel like shit, but at least I've got rid of most of the water retention and I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore.
I have finally come to realize that I am really unhappy. Andy and I have been slowly drifting apart and even though I know that he means well and probably does love me, I am starting to doubt that this is going to work out. He is on the computer most of the time when he;s at home, either playing games or doing something else, while I have started to turn my focus to just cleaning the house and doing ironing or watching movies...anything to keep myself busy. I've never felt so alone. He doesn't read my blog anymore either, so I really don't care care what I write in here and even if he does...at least I;m being honest.
The sadness is slowly tearing me apart, but I refuse to cry. Somehow I've found a way to supress all the physical and emotional pain I feel and I choose not to give in to the hurt and pain that goes along with giving in to tears. I just don't think I'll be able to pull through it. Not alone.
My dad sent me these two photos the other day after he got his computer working again, it made me smile for a while at least to see my two little girls when they were still so small.
The one of Xaynee (below) was taken when she was only about a year old and the one of Lili on the right was taken by my dad when she was three years old. It is his favourite picture of her because she was so angry. On the photo she has stones in her hand and the angry look was because my mom told her to throw the stones away before she could get back into the car.
Well, it's 5:30 am now and i'm finally getting tired. I'm actually suprised that I managed to finish this to be honest. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up.
I can go on for ages and explain how I'm feeling but I really can't be bothered anymore. As I'm mainly keeping this blog to keep record of everything as far as my shildren are concerned, I don't see the point in even complaining about it anymore.
Im just fed up to be honest.
On Saturday Dolf answered the phone and told me that Lili didn't want to speak to me. It was strange because I actually gave my parents time to phone her first, so I phoned them and asked if they remembered to phone her and my dad told me that Dolf kept ignoring their phone calls. He tried phoning again then from another number and Elsabe told my mom that Lili didn't want to speak to them either.
Last night I phoned again and Elsabe told me again that Lili didn't want to speak to me. I just put the phone down without saying a word. I phoned my dad and asked him to phone and he was told the same by Dolf.
Not much I can do about it except just send another email to the social worker. It's just frustrating because she isn't doing much to help me either and I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to see Lili when I go back.
I also told my dad the truth about Xaynee's paternity, but he seems to think that I'm lying about it. He's actually convinced that Johan is her father. Doesn't matter I guess.
Nothing really does.
My oldest brother finally contacted me after more than a year, which is about the only thing that I'm glad about at the moment.
The new immunosupressants the specialist has put me on is causing me to feel like shit, but at least I've got rid of most of the water retention and I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore.
I have finally come to realize that I am really unhappy. Andy and I have been slowly drifting apart and even though I know that he means well and probably does love me, I am starting to doubt that this is going to work out. He is on the computer most of the time when he;s at home, either playing games or doing something else, while I have started to turn my focus to just cleaning the house and doing ironing or watching movies...anything to keep myself busy. I've never felt so alone. He doesn't read my blog anymore either, so I really don't care care what I write in here and even if he does...at least I;m being honest.
The sadness is slowly tearing me apart, but I refuse to cry. Somehow I've found a way to supress all the physical and emotional pain I feel and I choose not to give in to the hurt and pain that goes along with giving in to tears. I just don't think I'll be able to pull through it. Not alone.
My dad sent me these two photos the other day after he got his computer working again, it made me smile for a while at least to see my two little girls when they were still so small.
The one of Xaynee (below) was taken when she was only about a year old and the one of Lili on the right was taken by my dad when she was three years old. It is his favourite picture of her because she was so angry. On the photo she has stones in her hand and the angry look was because my mom told her to throw the stones away before she could get back into the car.
Well, it's 5:30 am now and i'm finally getting tired. I'm actually suprised that I managed to finish this to be honest. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Been busy lately
I haven't been posting alot lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things for various reasons. Firstly, I thought that if I became more active in dong other things I would be less depressed, and it did help but I couldn't cope. The hepatitis got to me again and I started experiencing water retention that was so bad that I have trouble walking now. I even went to A&E on Monday because the specialist who is treating me wasn't on the island. The doctor on the hospital only gave me tablets to help for the water retention but it didn't help at all so Andy's mom phoned the specialist today and he said the water retention is being caused by the fact that I am on such a high dose of steroids, but that I should stop using the water retention tablets because it is only causing strain on my kidneys. According to him, I just need to lie down and put my feet up. I'm not very happy about that because I don't want to stay in bed, it's only making me depressed because I have too much time to think, but I have an appointment with him on Friday so we'll see what happens then.I got to speak to Lili on Monday, although she sounded ok, I can still pick up on her being very uncomfortable and I'm getting a bit worried about that. She really does sound excited to see me in September and that makes me happy. What I'm even more worried about is that I sent the social worker an email after I couldn't speak to Lili on Saturday and I told her that I'm really getting worried about Lili. She replied that Dolf didn't show up for their appointment and that he didn't phone with an excuse either. She is having difficulty getting hold of them now. This really doesn't sound good, and September is getting close.
I should try and phone Xaynee, I suppose. I am just having difficulty doing it lately because it makes me so sad to talk to her and not know how much of what I say she actually understands. I also don't want to upset her, but I'm going to phone tomorrow.
Lately I've caught myself feeling guilty about things again that I know isn't really my fault. I feel guilty even for being in Andy's life. He doesn't have to put up with me being ill most of the time and having all this trouble with my children and everything. I think it's got something to do with my dad saying to me that I'm costing Andy alot of money, and to be honest...it's true. That's another reason I haven't been phoning Xaynee, because I feel guilty about the cost of the phone calls to SA. I really hate feeling like this, and what makes it worse is knowing that even if I was allowed to work over here I probably wouldn't have managed with my illness making every second day a living hell for me.
There are times I wish I could explain to someone what I feel like, but I doubt I'll be able to and anyway....there's just no point in trying to.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Back on medication
So...I went to see the specialist today and he decided to do more blood tests. He's also going to do a liver biopsy, so I have to go back in three weeks time. In the meantime he has put me back on steroids so that will help me feel alot better. He wants to send me to see a liver specialist in Southampton, and to be honest...I hope he doesn't. I haven't gotten over my fear of people yet and I'm not sure that I will be able to cope, but if that's what I'll have to do to get better, for my kids' sake I will go. What really surprised me though was that the medication over here is not nearly as expensive as in South Africa.
I tried getting hold of the social worker that is working with Xaynee's case in Pretoria but she isn't available until tomorrow afternoon. I contacated the court and they told me that only she can help me and that the final court case is 30 June but that they can't continue if I'm not there. I'm not really happy about this but this time I'm not as stupid and ignorant as I was with Lili's case.
I am happy about one thing though and that is that Andy is happy in his work. He even met a South African today, I can't wait to get well again so I can spend more time with him.
I tried getting hold of the social worker that is working with Xaynee's case in Pretoria but she isn't available until tomorrow afternoon. I contacated the court and they told me that only she can help me and that the final court case is 30 June but that they can't continue if I'm not there. I'm not really happy about this but this time I'm not as stupid and ignorant as I was with Lili's case.
I am happy about one thing though and that is that Andy is happy in his work. He even met a South African today, I can't wait to get well again so I can spend more time with him.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Doing better
When I woke up this morning, I felt so much better.
I had enough energy to do some ironing, even though I got dizzy. The pain killers is really helping.
I got back into bed after a few hours and fell asleep, Andy has been looking after me the whole time and he's been doing everything for me, even made me dinner...twice lol but at least I'm eating.
I didn't realise I had so much water retention until I saw this morning that I have a flat belly again hehe
Andy won't let me off this time though, his mom already made it clear that I'm still going to see the specialist.
I'm just glad I'm feeling a bit better :o)
I had enough energy to do some ironing, even though I got dizzy. The pain killers is really helping.
I got back into bed after a few hours and fell asleep, Andy has been looking after me the whole time and he's been doing everything for me, even made me dinner...twice lol but at least I'm eating.
I didn't realise I had so much water retention until I saw this morning that I have a flat belly again hehe
Andy won't let me off this time though, his mom already made it clear that I'm still going to see the specialist.
I'm just glad I'm feeling a bit better :o)
Sunday, May 18, 2008
AIH taking over
I hardly had any strength to get out of the bed today. Andy was working the whole day and I slept.
I did try to phone Lili at 20:00 sa time but needless to say, no one answered the phone.
I'm too sick at the moment to even feel depressed.
I was throwing up earlier and I'm getting more and more confused, I know I'll be ok though. Tomorrow Andy's mom will also be here and Andy isn't working tomorrow so I won't be alone again.
I did try to phone Lili at 20:00 sa time but needless to say, no one answered the phone.
I'm too sick at the moment to even feel depressed.
I was throwing up earlier and I'm getting more and more confused, I know I'll be ok though. Tomorrow Andy's mom will also be here and Andy isn't working tomorrow so I won't be alone again.
Friday, May 16, 2008
It's a nightmare
I'm still sleeping most of the time and the pain is only getting worse. The specialist that I was supposed to see today can't get to the island because it's too misty and the doctor told Andy's mom to take me to A&E if I get worse. I hate hospitals though, so I'd rather wait.
I tried phoning the social worker, but she isn't taking any phone calls today so I asked the woman who answered the phone to give her a message and explained to her what had happened.
Then I phoned Xaynee, she sounded so sad and I just started crying because everything is getting too much for me. Johan took the phone again and I mentioned to him that Dolf won't let me speak to Lili and he replied that if he can give me a tip...I'd better get back in South Africa, quick. He didn't want to say anything more and I told him that I really couldn't, I'm just too sick at the moment. Johan asked me to post him a letter stating that I really am sick 'to help me' and that made me angry so I accused him of working together with Dolf and I put down the phone.
Andy and his mom is so worried about me and I'm really trying not to show when I'm in pain, but sometimes it just gets too bad. I haven't told Andy yet, but I guess I should...I'm having pain in my kidneys too now.
I wish this nightmare would stop.
I tried phoning the social worker, but she isn't taking any phone calls today so I asked the woman who answered the phone to give her a message and explained to her what had happened.
Then I phoned Xaynee, she sounded so sad and I just started crying because everything is getting too much for me. Johan took the phone again and I mentioned to him that Dolf won't let me speak to Lili and he replied that if he can give me a tip...I'd better get back in South Africa, quick. He didn't want to say anything more and I told him that I really couldn't, I'm just too sick at the moment. Johan asked me to post him a letter stating that I really am sick 'to help me' and that made me angry so I accused him of working together with Dolf and I put down the phone.
Andy and his mom is so worried about me and I'm really trying not to show when I'm in pain, but sometimes it just gets too bad. I haven't told Andy yet, but I guess I should...I'm having pain in my kidneys too now.
I wish this nightmare would stop.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Just plain fed up!
It's times like these that I tend to wonder 'Why me?'
Yeah...It's just another 'I am feeling sorry for myself' blog entry.
Everything just seems to be going wrong with me at the moment and I'm really getting stressed.
It started when Andy's mom noticed that I'm looking yellow this morning. Then it hit me and I just wanted to cry...NOT AGAIN!
I should've known really, I know the symptoms by now... The tiredness, the nausea, loss of appetite, water retention, then the yellow colour...everywhere.
In 1996 I had jaundice for the first time. The doctor ran a few tests but didn't really bother with it. In 1997 I had it again, only this time I was placed under quarantine in the hospital for two weeks. They did every possible test they could, but they couldn't tell me what was wrong with me and it cost my dad a fortune. In 1998 my dad took me to a Homeopath who couldn't tell me much except that my lives was badly damaged. He treated me and after that I was fine until I had jaundice again in 2000. Once again the doctor had no idea what was wrong with me. After that, I gave up going to the doctor even though I had jaundice twice. The problem was that I tested negative for every hepatitis they tested me for, like hepatitis A, B and C. In 2004 I started going yellow and the jaundice was followed by water retention, People thought that I was pregnant, I looked terrible. Finally Johan took me to the hospital. I knew something was seriously wrong because I had never been that sick before. It was a state hospital, we didn't have a medical aid. To my surprise, the doctor diagnosed me and I had a name for my illness.
Auto-immune hepatitis.
In short, my immune system attacks my liver. It is genetic and can't be cured but it can be controlled by steroids. The doctor gave me a 6-month supply of steroids but by the time I had to go back, Johan couldn't care less about my illness and never took me to see the doctor again. I did get jaundice again after that. but it never got as bad as it did back then.
Now, for some reason, it came back and I'm feeling sicker by the day. The pain is terrible and I'm always tired. Andy's mom made an appointment for me to go and see the doctor on Tuesday. Fortunately I told Andy about my illness even before we met and he always promised me that he would get me treated over here. Somehow I just feel that he doesn't realise that it is going to get alot worse than this. I'm also feeling guilty, I didn't want this to happen over here.
The other thing that has really upset me is that I sent my dad an email this morning, asking him to go and see the Commissioner of Child Care at the court that took Xaynee out of my care. I asked him to inform them that the social worker is ignoring my emails and that Johan won't allow me to talk to Xaynee now because I refused to give him money.
My dad sent me a long reply. I should've known that it would happen... He told me that he understands that I'm sad because I can't talk to my children but that I should keep in mind that I'm dealing with two people that have no respect for the law or anyone else i.e. Johan and Dolf. He told me that he doesn't know what my agreement regarding Xaynee entails (as if I wouldn't explain everything) and that Dolf only has Lili in his care because the court needed to remove her from the danger i.e. Johan. He told me that Dolf is going to try to prove to the court that I wasn't exercising my parental responsibilities, because I left the country and didn't inform the court that my circumstances regarding Johan had changed and that the danger wasn't there anymore. He also said that I should go back and get an attorney and get my children back and THEN make a decision regarding my future. He reckons that Andy and his family would feel the same way.
I was angry and I cried.
Doesn't anyone understand? I replied my dad's email and told him to drop everything.
To any person out there, it would sound like my dad is right. Problem is, he doesn't know shit!
So why am I really so angry?
Because my dad only changed his attitude when I asked him to help me with XAYNEE. My parents never accepted her. Whether it's because of her disability or because of who her father is, I don't know and I don't care. My child doesn't deserve the treatment they always gave her. Even Andy could see how cruel my mom was with Xaynee. It's wrong. I've never hated my parents or blamed them more than now. I'm not the type who blames others for my own wrong-doings and I know that you have to suffer the consequences of your own actions, but maybe if my parents cared a little more and maybe helped me all the times I phoned them and asked them to get me and my children away from Johan, I wouldn't be in this situation.
It's so easy for them to tell me to get an attorney, they don't realise that it can and probably will cost me in the region of about R50 000. I'm not allowed to work over here and I can't exactly expect Andy to give me the money, even though he would if he could.
I'm trying everything I can and we're trying to save as much money as possible, what do people expect me to do?
To make it even worse, I'm really sick and probably won't be able to leave the island even if I wanted to.
I don't know...everything is closing in on me. At the moment I can't even think straight, due to my illness. I get dizzy and confused and I can't do much more than focus on getting better for now I guess.
Yeah...It's just another 'I am feeling sorry for myself' blog entry.
Everything just seems to be going wrong with me at the moment and I'm really getting stressed.
It started when Andy's mom noticed that I'm looking yellow this morning. Then it hit me and I just wanted to cry...NOT AGAIN!
I should've known really, I know the symptoms by now... The tiredness, the nausea, loss of appetite, water retention, then the yellow colour...everywhere.
In 1996 I had jaundice for the first time. The doctor ran a few tests but didn't really bother with it. In 1997 I had it again, only this time I was placed under quarantine in the hospital for two weeks. They did every possible test they could, but they couldn't tell me what was wrong with me and it cost my dad a fortune. In 1998 my dad took me to a Homeopath who couldn't tell me much except that my lives was badly damaged. He treated me and after that I was fine until I had jaundice again in 2000. Once again the doctor had no idea what was wrong with me. After that, I gave up going to the doctor even though I had jaundice twice. The problem was that I tested negative for every hepatitis they tested me for, like hepatitis A, B and C. In 2004 I started going yellow and the jaundice was followed by water retention, People thought that I was pregnant, I looked terrible. Finally Johan took me to the hospital. I knew something was seriously wrong because I had never been that sick before. It was a state hospital, we didn't have a medical aid. To my surprise, the doctor diagnosed me and I had a name for my illness.
Auto-immune hepatitis.
In short, my immune system attacks my liver. It is genetic and can't be cured but it can be controlled by steroids. The doctor gave me a 6-month supply of steroids but by the time I had to go back, Johan couldn't care less about my illness and never took me to see the doctor again. I did get jaundice again after that. but it never got as bad as it did back then.
Now, for some reason, it came back and I'm feeling sicker by the day. The pain is terrible and I'm always tired. Andy's mom made an appointment for me to go and see the doctor on Tuesday. Fortunately I told Andy about my illness even before we met and he always promised me that he would get me treated over here. Somehow I just feel that he doesn't realise that it is going to get alot worse than this. I'm also feeling guilty, I didn't want this to happen over here.
The other thing that has really upset me is that I sent my dad an email this morning, asking him to go and see the Commissioner of Child Care at the court that took Xaynee out of my care. I asked him to inform them that the social worker is ignoring my emails and that Johan won't allow me to talk to Xaynee now because I refused to give him money.
My dad sent me a long reply. I should've known that it would happen... He told me that he understands that I'm sad because I can't talk to my children but that I should keep in mind that I'm dealing with two people that have no respect for the law or anyone else i.e. Johan and Dolf. He told me that he doesn't know what my agreement regarding Xaynee entails (as if I wouldn't explain everything) and that Dolf only has Lili in his care because the court needed to remove her from the danger i.e. Johan. He told me that Dolf is going to try to prove to the court that I wasn't exercising my parental responsibilities, because I left the country and didn't inform the court that my circumstances regarding Johan had changed and that the danger wasn't there anymore. He also said that I should go back and get an attorney and get my children back and THEN make a decision regarding my future. He reckons that Andy and his family would feel the same way.
I was angry and I cried.
Doesn't anyone understand? I replied my dad's email and told him to drop everything.
To any person out there, it would sound like my dad is right. Problem is, he doesn't know shit!
So why am I really so angry?
Because my dad only changed his attitude when I asked him to help me with XAYNEE. My parents never accepted her. Whether it's because of her disability or because of who her father is, I don't know and I don't care. My child doesn't deserve the treatment they always gave her. Even Andy could see how cruel my mom was with Xaynee. It's wrong. I've never hated my parents or blamed them more than now. I'm not the type who blames others for my own wrong-doings and I know that you have to suffer the consequences of your own actions, but maybe if my parents cared a little more and maybe helped me all the times I phoned them and asked them to get me and my children away from Johan, I wouldn't be in this situation.
It's so easy for them to tell me to get an attorney, they don't realise that it can and probably will cost me in the region of about R50 000. I'm not allowed to work over here and I can't exactly expect Andy to give me the money, even though he would if he could.
I'm trying everything I can and we're trying to save as much money as possible, what do people expect me to do?
To make it even worse, I'm really sick and probably won't be able to leave the island even if I wanted to.
I don't know...everything is closing in on me. At the moment I can't even think straight, due to my illness. I get dizzy and confused and I can't do much more than focus on getting better for now I guess.
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