I knew that at some point it would come to this, but I'm so fed up with all of this.

It started with Johan earlier this week when I phoned Xaynee. Somehow we got talking and it led to an argument (again because he demands maintenance) where he again threatened that he was going to stop me from talking to her in the future. Unfortunately, this time I lost my temper and threatened him back. I told him that I was going to come and take my furniture and the car and he eventually put down the phone.

Then on Thursday I phoned Lili, but something is wrong there too coz she was very quiet and tense over the phone. I had to ask a whole lot of questions just so that she would talk. I asked her if she didn't want to speak to me last week and she said she didn't. It hurt me but I also know that she isn't happy, she's still insecure as well and I will not let this go until she is happy. I know that it may sound as if I'm too optimistic about this, but I also know Dolf and the way he works to get things to go his way. That is also why I know that Lili will one day understand because her father will never change and she will see him for what he really is one day, but that doesn't mean that I will wait until that time to get her back.

What I'm upset about right now though is that I phoned Johan about 30 minutes ago and yeah.. Guess what...here was his reply when I asked him to let me speak to Xaynee:

"I told you last time how it's gonna work, you're not going to speak to her"

I wasn't really surprised. I asked him what he meant by what he said and he said it's about the maintenance and if I don't give my cooperation then he will not allow me to speak to Xaynee. I then asked him about the appointment he said he had with the social worker who I reported to SACSSP. He said that she told him that the court order does not state that I am allowed to have contact with Xaynee, so it's up to him to decide. I tried to correct him but couldn't help laughing at how wrong he is and how I can see it so clearly that he is acting out of spite and nothing else. When I asked him a second time to let me speak to Xaynee and he again refused, I lost it again and told him that he was a dog and that I will expose him for what he really is. He in turn then told me that I'm a whore who threw away her children and ran after a guy and now that things are not working out I want to come back. So I told him he's wrong and that I am coming back. He asked me what I was going back for then and I said I am going to get my child. He shouted at me that I will not get either of my kids and then he put the phone down on me without allowing me to talk to Xaynee.

An update and a *Thank You*

I haven't written anything here in such a long time that I don't even know where to start.

Last night as I lay in bed thinking I planned on writing an update as I had a conversation with Lili again last night, but there is so much more going on at the moment and my head is just so full of thoughts.

Normally when I log in every morning I check my emails first just in case there is some news from anyone about my children. I'm still waiting for the ISS to get bck to me after I provided them with all the details they asked for like Johan and Dolf's postal addresses and so on.

This morning I received an email from someone who read my blog and even though I will reply to that person personally, I feel that he deserves a special thank you here on my blog. I've received so much support since I've started writing here and believe it or not, it's that support that has kept me going sometimes when I really felt I just couldn't take it anymore. This person said something to me that reminded me of the way I used to be and I realised that it's time to start working towards being that person again.

These past few days have been absolutely horrible and I think it's the tension and stress that is getting to me. I remember when I was younger I used to get like this, all tired and nauseaous whenever I was under alot of stress or whenever I had the feeling that something bad was going on or was going to happen. It started a few days ago and yesterday I slept all throughout the day and I just had no energy and I felt so ill that it made me cry. I know that Andy thinks it's the medication, but I know myself and I know that I am having a hard time coping with all that is going on.

I haven't been able to bring myself so far to write a complaint about any of the social workers yet either and that is just adding to the stress at the moment. I'm beginning to understand why people get away with so many things now, it just takes up so much time and effort and not to mention the emotions you have to cope with like anger and pain to write letters to complain about these people that most people apparently simply give up than to go through all the hassle. It's just not easy having to go through all the channels and writing different letters and telling the same story over and over again. I'm determined not to let these social workers get away with what they did though as I have been reading up and I know now that what they did was not only breach of confidentiality, but it's regarded as infringement of my rights according to our constitution.

Lili sounded tired last night but she still sounds excited about seeing me and my parents. She even agreed to say hi to Andy over the phone and she really wants to meet him. I've been having strange feelings lately about seeing her again though. I'm almost scared and nervous, maybe it's just the stress I don't know.

Yesterday when I phoned to speak to Xaynee, Johan wasn't home...again. This is really starting to bug me now, I really hope that she is ok.

I'm also happy that I'm able to speak to my brother again and that I could finally bring him into contact with my parents. At least I know now that he is ok and he sounds happy.

I have to be honest in saying that I'm really glad to be going home. Only four more weeks and I'll be able to eat proper food again and maybe feel like myself again. There are alot of things that I don't talk about here and I don't mention it to Andy either, but I have to admit that I'm beginning to have serious doubts about whether it's going to be the right thing to do to be coming back here again. It's no one's fault, I just feel that there are some differences both between me and Andy and me and the whole Guernsey community, culture and lifestyle which I just can't overbridge. Maybe if my situation was different it might have been easier, but I don't feel I can do it.

I know that I have a bad habit of expecting other people to understand why I'm acting or behhaving in a certain manner. This might be because I am so attentive to other people's needs and I also tend to watch their behaviour closely, which is why I am considered not to be very sociable at times. That ain't true though as all I'm doing is observing whenever I pick up on a strange atmosphere. What I'm really getting at is that I also tend to back off completely when I'm in a situation where I feel uncomfortable. In fact, I cut myself off completely because I find it easier to deal with than to find myself in a situation where I have to do something I feel uncomfortable about. Very few people understand that but I've known quite a few people who actually picked up on it and I find it strange that Andy don't.

Disappointed and Angry

On 12 May this year I wrote on this blog how happy I was that I finally found a social worker who seemed to understand my situation. I was wrong, VERY wrong.

I'm referring to the social worker in Bloemfontein ofcourse, the one from the organisation I contacted when I had so much trouble getting hold of Lili.

Well, she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday and when I didn't hear anything from her by Tuesday, I phoned her office and asked for her to email me because she was busy. Yesterday I got her email and this was her reply:

"Ek het toe ‘n afspraak Maandag 21 Julie met die Kotze – egpaar gehad wat hulle nagekom het. Daaruit is besluit dat ons vir Alicia gaan assesseer en ‘n afspraak daarvoor is in Augustus verkry. Ons gaan haar forensies assesseer ten einde te let op die moontlike seksuele mishandeling wat in haar verlede plaasgevind het.



Ek wil net ook weer die rolle reg definieer. Ek is die herenigings werker wat ‘n diens aan Mnr Kotze verleen, m.a.w., ek moet hulle help dat Alicia suksesvol by hulle aanpas en aanbly. My verantwoordelikheid is dus grootliks by hulle. Dit het tot gevolg dat ek nie elke keer wat ek met hulle te doen gehad het vir jou terugvoer gaan gee nie. Die maatskaplike werker in Kuruman is seker nog by jou betrokke."

I was so upset by this that Andy couldn't take it anymore I guess coz he sent her an email telling her exactly what he thought of it all.

In the first place there is the assessment that they want to do on Lili. (Damn woman even spelled her name wrong.) Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against it being done but I'm a bit confused. If I remember correctly Lili was assessed BEFORE the court case in July last year? If the allegations is true, I swear I will probably kill Johan, but the part I really don't understand is why Dolf allowed Johan to speak to her on her birthday then while he was ignoring all of MY phone calls? Something just doesn't make sense.

Then there's her saying in the email that she is the REUNIFICATION worker and her responsibility lies mainly with Dolf and Elsabe. First of all, who contacted her in the first place FOR reunification services? Or will someone please define that word for me, coz I'm getting more and more angry and confused here.

Also, so that Lili can stay with them? Everyone seems to be forgetting that this was a TEMPORARY placement.

Then she comes out with the social worker in Kuruman which left me even more confused. Even if there WAS a social worker in Kuruman, what would she be able to do about it?

Oh, but here comes the best part. Yesterday I also received a letter from the ISS UK and the guy asked me for more details and so on. So I sent it to him and forwarded this email, but just as I was about to send it Andy noticed something strange.

She sent that email to the social worker I filed the complaint against in Pretoria and who is working on Xaynee's case as well! So I browsed through my inbox and saw that she's been doing this since 12 June.

I just don't see what the two social workers have to do with one another and why this was done. I have nothing to hide, but why can social workers not be trusted? And how the hell did these two come across one another?

I'm considering my options here, but I'm to angry to be making any decisions right now. The guy from ISS UK knows that I'm questioning the integrity of the social workers in SA, but what can I do about it?

All I wanted was to be sure that I would be able to see Lili. I was even willing to leave Lili in Dolf's care at one point, but now I'm not so sure. It is clear that he got the social worker exactly where he wants her through his lies once again and I'm getting fed up.

I know for a fact that Dolf can not have changed. He was violent and abusive even before I met him and he was the same after I left him from what I could gather from the woman he used to be engaged to who I met at the court that day. Men like that don't change overnight. Problem is that there is no way that I can prove that Lili's behaviour is caused by him and not the past. Not while she is being manipulated.

There is nothing I can do. Again.

Patience

They say patience is a virtue. Hmmm...

In my view it is some damn way to see how far they can push me coz this is REALLY starting to work on my nerves and I'm gonna lose the plot if this continues.

The social worker in Bloemfontein was supposed to get back to me after she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday. No guessing about whether she did get back to me hey? No she didn't. Ok, so I thought I'd phone yesterday to hear what happened, because she apparently wanted to listen 'what his story was' because he 'had his own plans'. Whatever that may mean. I suppose it's got something to do with getting custody of Lili.

Well, so I phoned and the woman at the switchboard told me that the social worker was busy. I left her a message to please get back to me about what happened via email. It's already 10:00 am SA time and I still haven't received and email.

I also tried to phone Xaynee yesterday morning but Johan had already taken her to school. He said I could phone at 13:00, but when I phoned at about 14:00 his phone was off. How nice.

I've finally discovered the new Children's Act on the internet and I know what the new law says now. Took me a while but at least I'm getting there. I've been looking at it and I'm considering tracking LeRoy down. I've been looking at the dates for the first time without feeling guilty and I know that it is almost impossible for Johan to be Xaynee's father. Actually, I've been looking at it in various ways and when I started looking at Xaynee's photos I saw the resemblance for the first time. It is probably the best and easiest way for me to get her back, even if I have to subpoena LeRoy to appear in court. He won't want anything to do with her anyway, so I really couldn't care less. I'm not sure, but I think that the court may order for DNA tests to be carried out and that is my main concern, although I still don't think that Johan will be the father, it is the time that is worrying me. We're not gonna be in SA for that long and even waiting for Xaynee's passport (when I can finally apply for it without a father's consent) is going to be a problem.

I've got alot of worries piling up at the moment, including my visa. The fees have gone up again and it's gonna cost us R8240, which is about 500 pound. I just hope I get it coz the UK is so damn strict.

Lately Mathew and I have been getting along alot more like we used to and Andy and I have been ok, except for the times when I get really depressed and take it out on him, but that never last very long. My baby understands me better than anyone :o)

Finally feeling better

Another night went by and I didn't sleep. I'm torturing myself really, I know it and I still do it.
I've been so depressed and moody the past week that I'm almost surprised that Andy hasn't put me on a plane back to SA yet. Sometimes I felt so guilty about the way I was treating him, but mostly my anger and frustration took over. He just kept to himself mostly and waited until I calmed down and eventually break down and cried then he just held me in his arms. I know that I would never be so lucky again to get a man like him and that I probably don't appreciate him enough, but it's as though the time of going back to SA is draawing closer, the more it is affecting me. Andy is the one who keeps me strong and he always make me see things more positively. I feel like a cruel person.

I phoned Lili again last night and for the first time in ages I could recognise my child speaking to me. We had a long conversation and she sounds so excited to see me that it made me miss her even more. I promised her that I would bring her some PC games and DVDs because I know how much she loves watching DVDs and she started playing on the PC when she was only 2 years old. She even sounds excited to meet Andy and she said that she will speak english if she has to, she doesn't mind and she understands that he doesn't understand Afrikaans.

I went to see the specialist on Wednesday and he changed the dosage of my medication again. My water retention is still bad but it seems to be getting better and the specialist was happy with the results of my blood tests. It did upset me when he said that a liver transplant later on in the future is more a probability than a possibility, but then again I expected it and I really couldn't care less about my health at the moment as my main concern is my children and nothing else.

I started emailing people again after my previous post and finally got a reply from the Department of Social Development in SA. They said I should contact ISS UK. I stared at the email and the only thing that went through my head was WHAT THE FUCK???

I mean I contacted ISS UK in May already and they told me that they couldn't help me. So I forwarded that email I received from ISS UK to the Department of Social Development and they contaced ISS UK which in turn emailed me and told me that they understood that I was going back to SA permanently and that was why they said they couldn't help me. What bullshit. I mean really!! I made it clear to the damn woman that I was engaged to Andy and everything, I guess she was just covering her ass but I left it there. Then the guy asked me for the Children's Court order. Luckily I requested it to be sent to my dad about a month ago, not sure why now to be honest but I;m glad I did. I emailed the guy the whole background story about Lili and Xaynee together with the court order, but they are moving their offices and he probably won't reply before the 22nd. So now I'm waiting again.

The reason I couldn't sleep AGAIN was that except for feeling really crap, my head keeps racing and I'm trying to think of ways to get Xaynee back in my care. I've been on the net the whole night, just looking at the law and how it affects my case. I can't remember where I got the info that Johan had to give his consent if I wanted to take Xaynee out of SA because he is registered as her natural father, I think someone must have SAID it to me because all of the laws and the sites I've looked at says that I don't need his consent. Everything is just so confusing when it comes to SA, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I still think that I'm just going to go with trying to get Johan's name removed from the birth register. Guess I'll have to see what happens in court, that is if someone gets back to me SOME day with a new date that is. They are just so damn pathetic in that damn country it makes me want to scream when I have to pick up the phone.

I went one step higher with the complaint regarding the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case as well. I emailed the director at the head office of the organisation she is working for and threatened them with the SACSSP. They actually sent me a reply just to acknowledge receipt of my complaint and said they will investigate it and reply as soon as possible. I was really surprised. Still, it just goes to show you to what extremes you have to go to just to get something done. Nothing is easy when it comes to SA.

Reaching the end

After not phoning Lili on Monday night, thinking I might give it a break, I phoned again tonight and had a long conversation with her which made me realise that this fight is just not worth fighting anymore.

I told her that I was only going to phone her once a week from now on and that my parents are not going to phone her again because she never wants to speak to them. She didn't sound upset or even bothered about it. I asked her if she still wanted to go away with us on holiday when I'm there and she told me straight that she didn't want to.

I had to fight to hold the tears back. It hurt so much to hear all of these things coming from my little girl.

Maybe I was just in denial the whole time, thinking that one day I will have her back.

The way I'm feeling at the moment, I just want to send her her cellphone and forget that I have a daughter. I told her that I'd send her the cellphone and not visit if she wanted to, but she said she did want to see me.

I just don't know how to handle all the pain and hurt inside.

I phoned Xaynee earlier as well but didn't talk to her for very long before I got into another fight with Johan about money that he wants from me for Xaynee. All I wanted to know was Xaynee's shoe size so I could send her some shoes and clothes, but all he wanted was to know whether I was going to send money as well. I'm just so sick and tired of his shit, so I lost my temper, told him "Fuck you" and put down the phone.

This is all coming on top of me not being myself lately. I'm irritated by the smallest things and I'm really moody. I've been taking it out on Andy nd what makes it even worse is that I've cut off most of my emotions to the point where I don't regret it when I hurt him. I swore that I'd never do this to him but I don't know how to handle everything anymore.

I guess it started after that first time he cut himself off me and I started doing the same. I do tend to treat people the way they treat me and it only became worse after that because I'm so frustrated and sad.

I also phoned the Children's Court on Tuesday and asked what happened with the court case and whether it was postponed. A woman called Rachel, to whom I've spoken before, told me that neither the social worker, nor Johan turned up for court and that she will have to talk to the social worker about a new court date.

I guess it's supposed to be good news, but I'm caring less and less and even here, I have been receiving the comments, but I just couldn't bring myself to even publish it.

This is like one long nightmare. I just want it to end. As if I know that the longer I stay here, the harder it's going to be to wake up and get myself back into reality.

I've been having so many second thoughts and regrets about coming here in the first place. Maybe love just wasn't worth it after all. The small things is the things that make up your life, small things like the way you raise a child. I wouldn't want my children to be anything like Andy's brother's daughter. She's a spoiled little brat and she's got absolutely no discipline and even Andy sometimes seems to think that she behaves in the right way while I'm just disgusted to see a child behaving the way she does. Other children here use foul language and the discipline is definitely an issue over here. I don't want my children to be like that.

I have too many thoughts running through my head at the moment and I can't make sense of any of it to be writing here really, I just need to get rid of some of it, so I'm trying.

I don't even want to close my eyes anymore because it only leads to more thoughts...thoughts which lead to pain...and hurt.

This is the cellphone I bought for Lili for her birthday. When I saw it, I just thought that it would be perfect for her. It even has these little butterflies on the front cover. It made me happy to buy this, now I just want to forget about everything.


What is a life with all this hurt and pain worth...?

More bad news

Andy woke me up this morning. His first words was "You'll be surprised at what I read."

I was wrong.

He read my blog and he's hurt. I didn't know what to say and I'm still not sure how I feel. All I know is that he's all that I have left and that I do love him. If I lost him that would take all my reason for keeping this fight up away. I'm not even sure if he's going to come home this afternoon and on the one hand I want to phone him and ask him to please come home, but I'm scared because I don't want to bother him at work.

I phoned the person I had to complain to about the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case earlier because it is almost the 30th and I need to know if they will postpone the court case for me. This person told me that he received my letter last week already. These people just never fail to surprise me. Why didn't he come back to me?! He just said that he still needs to talk to the social worker and that he will phone me back.

i then phoned Lili's social worker and was informed by the woman at the switchboard that the social worker is on holiday until the 10th of July. At this point you should please excuse my language, but WHAT THE FUCK???

So I asked the woman if there is another social worker who I could talk to and I was told that the other one is on sick leave.

There are only 3 things that you can do in a case like this: laugh, cry or get angry.

Tears and anger will get me nowhere, so I just chose to laugh. Then I phoned Xaynee and although she seemed kind of distant she sounded happy to talk to me.

Then Johan started on me again about maintenance. The more I try to explain to him that there is no way that I can pay maintenance unless I work because the court won't hold Andy responsible, the less he seemed to understand it. Next thing, he said that he is going to sue my parents for maintenance then. Before thinking, I broke down and just put the phone down after I told him that he and Dolf are the two cruelest people I've ever come across. He only replied that I'm the cruel one before I put the phone down. I realized later that he's not entitled to maintenance anyway unless he has full custody or is awarded anything by the Children's Court during the next court case.

I shouldn't have let him get to me, but I'm really sad about Andy and hurting him. I know I am being selfish, but it feels like I'm living in a trance where reality is just passing in front of my eyes and I'm not really part of it. I wish I knew how to pull myself together. I've done it before, I can't let it win me this time.

Second thoughts

I'm not even really in the mood to be typing here. I haven't slept all night and I'm depressed and sad. Everything is finally getting to me end I don't have the wiilpower to stop it any longer because I am just not happy.

I can go on for ages and explain how I'm feeling but I really can't be bothered anymore. As I'm mainly keeping this blog to keep record of everything as far as my shildren are concerned, I don't see the point in even complaining about it anymore.

Im just fed up to be honest.

On Saturday Dolf answered the phone and told me that Lili didn't want to speak to me. It was strange because I actually gave my parents time to phone her first, so I phoned them and asked if they remembered to phone her and my dad told me that Dolf kept ignoring their phone calls. He tried phoning again then from another number and Elsabe told my mom that Lili didn't want to speak to them either.

Last night I phoned again and Elsabe told me again that Lili didn't want to speak to me. I just put the phone down without saying a word. I phoned my dad and asked him to phone and he was told the same by Dolf.

Not much I can do about it except just send another email to the social worker. It's just frustrating because she isn't doing much to help me either and I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to see Lili when I go back.

I also told my dad the truth about Xaynee's paternity, but he seems to think that I'm lying about it. He's actually convinced that Johan is her father. Doesn't matter I guess.

Nothing really does.

My oldest brother finally contacted me after more than a year, which is about the only thing that I'm glad about at the moment.

The new immunosupressants the specialist has put me on is causing me to feel like shit, but at least I've got rid of most of the water retention and I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore.

I have finally come to realize that I am really unhappy. Andy and I have been slowly drifting apart and even though I know that he means well and probably does love me, I am starting to doubt that this is going to work out. He is on the computer most of the time when he;s at home, either playing games or doing something else, while I have started to turn my focus to just cleaning the house and doing ironing or watching movies...anything to keep myself busy. I've never felt so alone. He doesn't read my blog anymore either, so I really don't care care what I write in here and even if he does...at least I;m being honest.

The sadness is slowly tearing me apart, but I refuse to cry. Somehow I've found a way to supress all the physical and emotional pain I feel and I choose not to give in to the hurt and pain that goes along with giving in to tears. I just don't think I'll be able to pull through it. Not alone.

My dad sent me these two photos the other day after he got his computer working again, it made me smile for a while at least to see my two little girls when they were still so small.

The one of Xaynee (below) was taken when she was only about a year old and the one of Lili on the right was taken by my dad when she was three years old. It is his favourite picture of her because she was so angry. On the photo she has stones in her hand and the angry look was because my mom told her to throw the stones away before she could get back into the car.




Well, it's 5:30 am now and i'm finally getting tired. I'm actually suprised that I managed to finish this to be honest. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up.

Been busy lately

I haven't been posting alot lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things for various reasons. Firstly, I thought that if I became more active in dong other things I would be less depressed, and it did help but I couldn't cope. The hepatitis got to me again and I started experiencing water retention that was so bad that I have trouble walking now. I even went to A&E on Monday because the specialist who is treating me wasn't on the island. The doctor on the hospital only gave me tablets to help for the water retention but it didn't help at all so Andy's mom phoned the specialist today and he said the water retention is being caused by the fact that I am on such a high dose of steroids, but that I should stop using the water retention tablets because it is only causing strain on my kidneys. According to him, I just need to lie down and put my feet up. I'm not very happy about that because I don't want to stay in bed, it's only making me depressed because I have too much time to think, but I have an appointment with him on Friday so we'll see what happens then.

I got to speak to Lili on Monday, although she sounded ok, I can still pick up on her being very uncomfortable and I'm getting a bit worried about that. She really does sound excited to see me in September and that makes me happy. What I'm even more worried about is that I sent the social worker an email after I couldn't speak to Lili on Saturday and I told her that I'm really getting worried about Lili. She replied that Dolf didn't show up for their appointment and that he didn't phone with an excuse either. She is having difficulty getting hold of them now. This really doesn't sound good, and September is getting close.

I should try and phone Xaynee, I suppose. I am just having difficulty doing it lately because it makes me so sad to talk to her and not know how much of what I say she actually understands. I also don't want to upset her, but I'm going to phone tomorrow.

Lately I've caught myself feeling guilty about things again that I know isn't really my fault. I feel guilty even for being in Andy's life. He doesn't have to put up with me being ill most of the time and having all this trouble with my children and everything. I think it's got something to do with my dad saying to me that I'm costing Andy alot of money, and to be honest...it's true. That's another reason I haven't been phoning Xaynee, because I feel guilty about the cost of the phone calls to SA. I really hate feeling like this, and what makes it worse is knowing that even if I was allowed to work over here I probably wouldn't have managed with my illness making every second day a living hell for me.

There are times I wish I could explain to someone what I feel like, but I doubt I'll be able to and anyway....there's just no point in trying to.

So he's finally moved on...

I'm feeling really guilty. I know I've been shutting Andy out lately, but whenever I try to talk to him, he just doesn't seem to understand.

I am constantly thinking. Mu whole life is revolving around getting my children back, but all the thinking has also made me realize that this is going to be even harder than I thought.

My day just started out bad as I phoned Johan to speak to Xaynee this morning and he said she is in school, but immediately said that he wants to talk things over first. I asked what he meant and he started going on about me paying him maintenance again. He actually sneered at me and told me that it's not about him wanting me back any more because he 'has someone else' now, which explains why a woman answered the phone when I phoned yesterday.

I really couldn't care less, I know what he is trying to do and I'm definately not stupid. I will admit that I am a bit angry at the way he is doing this and still demanding money from me in order for me to talk to my daughter. Just goes to show that he has got a serious problem. He asked if he should contact a lawyer regarding maintenance and I told him to go ahead, because I don't have an income. It's not as if I choose not to, but he just don't get it that I'm not allowed to work over here.

It still shocks me every time to see how stupid he can be, and I am not being nasty here. He really is. I mean, which part of 'not recieving money pending the inquiry' into the Children's Court proceedings doesn't he understand? And he actually told me today that I CAN pay maintenance because my 'fiance' (and he added here that this is what I said to Magda in my email to her, which again proves her breach of confidentiality), is receving an income. He really believes that, although it's not true.

I'm starting to think that he really does suffer from some personality disorder. To be honest, all the signs are there and that just makes me even more suspicious. I never even thought about it up until recently, but it's all just adding up.

He really is living in his own little make-believe fantasy world, he's never wrong and never have been and he's got one very highly selective memory. That's only to start with.

It suits me fine that he seems to forget one single very important aspect as far as Xaynee is concerned. Something I thought I'd never use against him, but he's not only pushing this a little too far, I am also having my doubts regarding how stable he really is.

Even after I left him and came here, I kept looking at myself for mistakes. Maybe becasue everyone always used to blame me and told me I got myself into the situation, I had to sort it out. The social worker made this worse by also choosing to support Johan, even after I told her most of the details about our relationship. I really thought it was my fault, and every time Johan accused me of being a bad mother for leaving, it got to me.

I've allowed far too much for far too long. I know what I have to do now, but when and how is the question.

Just a few notes

I need to sleep. I should be really. I just can't because I can't stop thinking. I tried to phone Xaynee and a woman answered the phone. As I am, I was friendly and asked her if I could speak to Xaynee. I don't know who she is but she was rude and told me I will have to phone back later because Xaynee is not with them. I asked what time and she replied that I could phone tomorrow morning. I don't know what to think and I am not in the right state of mind to even comment. I phoned the social worker about Lili, she took a note and later emailed me and told me that Dolf couldn't make it for the appointment with her and told me to keep her up to date. I did manage to speak to Lili, but I am really worried. She is ill, but she wasn't herself either. My mom phoned after me and noted the same thing, so I know that I am definately not paranoid. It has been a bad day for me and I feel guilty because I am taking it out on Andy, and he's only trying to help. I know that it's the lack of sleep that's causing me to feel like this but I just have too much on my mind and the steroids ain't really helping. I am trying really hard to stay strong but it gets to me sometimes. I won't give up though. I can't, I got this far and giving up would be a rather stupid thing to do.

My View: Parental Alienation and the South African Law

I tried to phone Xaynee yesterday.

When Johan answered the phone, he was immediately on the attack. I could hardly get a word in as he was going on about how rude it was of me to put down the phone on him the other day. I interrupted him and asked if I could please speak to Xaynee, so he told me "No, you can't."

I just said "Ok.", then I put down the phone and continued with the ironing. Then I thought, well, ok then...just another thing I am going to make a note of, but I wanted to know WHY I couldn't speak to her.

I phoned him again and again he was shouting at me, again I interrupted and asked him for a reason. He replied that it was because I was rude to him and started going on about the fact that I'm not giving him any money for her, I just put the phone down on him again.

I'm sorry, I just don't need that treatment any longer. I don't HAVE to talk to him, I only want to speak to my child.

After that I started chatting with my dad on MSN. Yeah... I decided that it's better to make peace with my parents, although they don't offer me the kind of support that I really need, at least they want me to be happy.

Exactly 20:00 SA time I phoned Dolf's cellphone to speak to Lili. It was off.
Tried again, off.
So I tried phoning the house phone, twice, no answer.
I was getting worked up, I realized I wasn't going to talk to Lili, again.
Then I phoned her stepmom's number, here they kept pressing the 'ignore' button or something because I got the same message 3 times that "The other person has cleared."
I tried phoning the other numbers again and finally gave up.

I got back on MSN and my dad said that he will try to phone from his number.

This was between 20:15 and 20:30.

After a while my dad came back and told me that my mom phoned from one of his other cellphone numbers.

Dolf's mother picked up the phone and told my mom that Dolf and Elsabe were visiting them for the weekend, but that Lili was already asleep and that Dolf said my mom can phone on Monday at 20:00. So my mom asked if she couldn't just phone the next day (which is today), and Dolf's mom replied that Dolf is refusing that Lili be bothered during a weekend. She also made the following comments to my mom: "You phone from strange numbers hey?" and "There is a new agreement between Renata and Dolf's attorney now".

To be honest, this type of thing doesn't even surprise me anymore.

My dad said to me that he's sure Lili knows what they're doing, but she can't do anything about it. That made me feel better, I remember how Lili told me that she knew and I mentioned it to my dad. I also explained to him that I am going to sue Dolf for the total amount of the maintenance that he is in arrears with.

I also told my dad that there is no agreement with an attorney and that I'm only working through the social worker, because mediation is her work.

I just need to ask my dad which number he phoned Elsabe's phone from. This time I'm making notes of every damn thing. I am not going to let them get away with doing this. In my point of view, all they care about is THEM, not Lili. Their actions are out of spite, not caring. I'm kind of getting the feeling that they are starting to panic, but I may be imagining things.

I know I'm young and I still have so much to learn about life, but I also know that I have expererience in alot of things, like judging people. I have worked with many different kinds of people in my work and I gained knowledge through my experiences. I is still shocking to see how downright stupid some people can be though.

By answering that phone call from my dad, after ignoring my phone calls, they just proved how stupid they really are. I don't believe Lili was asleep, but if they didn't lie, they would also have admitted to deliberately refusing me to have contact with her. These are just my thoughts on it, and I might be wrong because I am sad, but it makes me angry that South Africa has a system which allows parents to actually do this to their children, despite the fact that there are actually laws that is supposed to prevent it.

Laws like:

General Law Further Amendment Act, No 93 of 1962 Section One provides criminal sanctions for a parent who fails to comply with an order of court relating to access to children: “(1) Any parent having custody of his or her minor child in terms of an order of court, who contrary to such order and without reasonable cause, refuses the child’s other parent access to such child or prevents such other parent from having such access, shall be guilty of an offence and liable on conviction to a fine or to imprisonment for a period not exceeding one year or to such imprisonment without the option of a fine.”

Mediation services seems to be governing the law and there is nothing I can do about it, except make another phone call on Monday morning to the social worker and tell her about this.

As I mentioned earlier, I think they are getting paranoid. I kept staying one step ahead of them and they didn't expect that. Like when they moved to Bloemfontein, they didn't expect me to find out about it OR find out what their telephone number is etc. In the end my constant emails to the Department of Social Development and my complaints paid off, because that kept me that one step ahead. Dolf didn't expect me to contact a social worker either, that explains his phone call to me the day he phoned and shouted at me for "...putting the welfare on his case...".

Now, I don't know much about the law and the way I see things might not even be right, but I was never planning on letting this go. I am a mother and I love my child, it's natural to only want the best for her. In SA I didn't have access to the information on the internet the way I do now and even now that I do, it is shocking to see that most sites are focused on children being kept away from fathers, not mothers. Make no mistake, it helped me to gain alot of information about the issue and I really sympathize with these fathers as Andy is in the same type of situation.

In South Africa I did apply for legal aid, I never got any. After a while it felt like either you need the money to fight the system, or you have to be like Dolf and Johan (and their families), and be able to manipulate the people in the right places.

I did not have the money, and I am not manipulative. So the system allow the WRONG people to get away with the RIGHT things. You can't blame the system though, so how do you solve something like this?

I know now that (from what I can understand anyway), I still have custody. Dolf's problem is that he wants custody, because he wants maintenance. The Children's Court could only place Lili in his foster care, they didn't grant him any money and knowing him, I think he expected them to. The Children's Court can only place a child in foster care for a period of two years, after which the matter has to go back to court. During the two years, mediation services are supposed to monitor the situation and IDEALLY try to place the child in the parent's care who has custody. If this is not in the best interest of the child, the matter will go back to court EVERY to years, unless custody is granted to the other parent by the High Court, so for Dolf to get custody though, he will have to go to the High Court.

That is a problem for him. He doesn't have the money and trying to get custody in a court of law can get quite expensive. I know by this time that if I couldn't even get legal aid, he sure as hell won't. Not for custody.

What really bugs the living shit out of me though is all the questions I have. Questions that, if you don't have the right attorney (when I think in terms of an attorney, I panic because I know they are expensive), you will never have answered. If you ask the social worker, they only talk your question away or simply say "Yeah... but you see, we don't really work with the law..." and then they start explaining to you that they only have to look at what is best for the child blah.. blah..

I also mentioned to my dad then that the social worker on Xaynee's case said it's ok that Johan won't allow me to speak to her and that I am going to report her. I contacted the SACSSP during the week and they sent me the forms, but I first have to complain to the social worker's organisation she is working for's head office. I tried to contact them on Friday, but there was no answer, so I'll do it tomorrow.

Ah well... That's it from me for today.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :o)

Letting Go of Shame

I posted earlier how Andy's mother had taught me that there is no need to be ashamed of my past. Since I've got nothing to hide, I am going to post something here which may shock a few of the Afrikaans readers, so if you don't like bad language, I suggest that you do not read this entry.

I started this blog to show people what my life was like, not to gain sympathy or support as many may think. No, I want people back home to wake up to the real world and recognize the signs of Domestic Violence and the various forms of abuse that go along with it.

First though, a quick recap of my day. I didn't go for a liver biopsy in the end and the doctor is happy with the way my health has improved. He gave me a letter to get my court case which is scheduled at the Children's Court for 30 June postponed and I will send it to the social worker on Monday.

I haven't been sleeping much lately, I only sleep every second night. It's the steroids causing it, so my concentration isn't what it should be but I feel alot better than 2 weeks ago.

I phoned Lili's social worker in Bloemfontein to tell her about last night and she told me that she was running late yesterday and when she phoned Dolf, he said he was on his way back to work. So I still don't know how Lili is, but I can phone her tomorrow again. The social worker said something strange, but it didn't register until I put the phone down. She said there is a few things that she wants to look into regarding the case. I guess I was too upset. I asked her again if we couldn't change the times and she said that she has to think of what is in the best interest of the child. Now, that didn't make sense. Yes, so it suits her routine best at that time, but it's almost impossible for me to phone at that time. Isn't it in the child's best interest to have contact with her mother?? No wait, according to law it is her RIGHT. What the hell is wrong with these people? I only speak to her for 3 minutes at a time maximum anyway! What is 3 minutes in a 16 hour day? I kept myself calm...again. I told the social worker that I'm making notes of everything, the case has to go back to court next year anyway. NOTHING will make my child forget me.

Ok, now for the other part.

I'm sorry for the english readers who will not understand this, but I translate everything in my head all day, every day, so I'm not in much of a mood to translate this. For some reason I am just fuming and I want to get this out in a way.

These are some of the sms messages I have received from Johan. I am so sick of all of these people getting away with everything and I am nothing like him. Yes, I do get angry and swear sometimes, but I have never used this type of language. Call me whatever you want, I deem myself better than this. He really is one sick bastard and I can't believe I was so stupid to ever get into a relationship with him. I like to think of myself as intelligent, and I know that I am. How did I fall in this guy's trap?

28/03/2008 - 12:48 - - Renata jy moet dringend met my praat oor Xaynee die dokter gaan nie met jou praat nie die inligting is vertroulik jy moet met my praat dat ons die ding van die kinders kan afhandel magda sal ook dink maandag met jou in verbinding tree ek gaan jou 3uur ons tyd bel tel op asb

29/03/2008 - 10:57 - - Renata ek wil jou net vrae as jy nog die persoon is wat ek ken bel net vir Xaynee al praat jy net 1min met haar ek weet jy is lief vir haar moenie daai harde mens word wat net wil haat jy is n goei mens en jy weet dit so probeur groot asb om haar te bel as nie kan gee mis call of please call me asb bel haar net

31/03/2008 - 13:08 - - Soek geld vir Xaynee se naskool asb en vir doeke laat weet as ek die rek no moet stuur die skool geld moet vandag betaal word as jy dit nie kan doen laat weet net asb

31/03/2008 - 20:54 - - As jy met Xaynee wil praat laat jou prokureur my bel om tye vas te maak as jy kamsteg so baie vir jou kind voel stuur vir haar geld

01/04/2008 - 14:26 - - Hulle soek daai geld van Xaynee vandag gaan jy dit vir my gee of nie laat my net weet asb gee mis ek sal bel

04/04/2008 - 13:39 - - Jy sal nooit weer met een van jou kinders praat of weer sien totdat daai poes nie weg is nie ek gaan daai kaal foto veroop en op side dat almal kan sien hoe lyk jou poes
(Hy verwys na 'n kaal foto wat hy sonder my medewete geneem het.)

04/04/2008 - 21:14 - - Ek se vir Xaynee haar MA gaan haar bel en jy bel NIE wat moet ek vir haar se het sy nog 'n ma of nie ek dink sy het nie want ma's bel jul kinders as hulle so se
(Ek het nie weer gebel nie na aanleiding van die ander sms.)

06/04/2008 - 20:30 - - Nata ek gaan jou more bel so 12uur jou tyd praat asb dan met ons baba sy mis jou baie. Kom trug die week gro asb ek sal jou gaan haal as jy wil en na jou ma vat

12/04/2008 - 18:59 - - Maak jou self vrek en doen ons almal n guns want jy is nie n MA wert anders sou jy hier gewees het vir haar dink daaroor kom trug na jou kinders asb

14/04/2008 - 18:49 - - Ek gaan jou oor 5min bel praat asb met xaynee ek het klaar vir haar gese jy gaan bel asb

20/04/2008 - 15:22 - - Hallo sal jy asb jou cv vir my stuur jy kan dit na jou pa stuur ek sal dit daar kry of na Johan00@mweb.co.za bel groot asb vir xaynee vandag asb baai

24/04/2008 - 00:17 - - Jy het di ekans gehad om jou kind te he maar jy kies hom bo jou kinders so jy gaan nie weer met Xaynee praat of sien nie jy is nie eers vir Lili se verjaarsdag hier nie jy het nog nie 'n sent vir Xaynee of Lilli gegee jy hoer net daar rond niemand glo n Ma los haar kinders vir n ou net hoere doen dit so besluit of jy n Ma of n hoer is as jy n Ma is kom trug na jou kinders of bly n hoer en bly daar sal vir Xaynee se Ma DOOD EK GEE JOU TOT 1UUR ONS TYD OM MY TE BEL EN SE WAT JY GAAN MAAK DINK MOOI NIE DREIGEMENT EK GAAN DIT DOEN WAT EK GESE HET HOE MOEILIK OOK AL SO DINK MOOI

25/04/2008 - 15:34 - - Kan jy my se of jy daai ander sms gekry het van of jy hom kies of jou kinders ek gaan doen met Xaynee wat ek gese het daar is nie ander uitweg so se my net asb

25/04/2008 - 15:49 - - As jy so raak dat die welsyn my bel en se dat jy met Xaynee moet praat ek kan ook hard wees soos jy ek wil nie bakly hoekom lelik wees met my die kind ly en jy

26/04/2008 - 16:13 - - Ek het verkeurde no gestuur maar jy het mos jou mind opgemaak so jy het dit dan nie meer nodig nie so ek kan maar al die inligting gee wat sy soek besluit wie vir jou die belangrikste is jy of jou kinders as dit jou kinders is kan jy vir Xaynee bel anders nie dankie lekker lewe

01/05/2008 - 18:18 - - Sal jou pa vir my geld inbetaal vir Xaynee laat weet my asb
(MY REPLY) Vir die dokter? Ek sal reel dat hy haar self vat en als betaal.

02/05/2008 - 02:14 - - Hou dan jou geld jy sal haar nie sien nie as jy daai houding het moet dan nie weer vir Xaynee bel nie sb dit gaan op jou gewete wees sn moet nie weer bel nie
(MY REPLY) Dit was nie met 'n houding gese en ek is binnekort terug in SA, dan sal ons sien. Jy is siek en obsessief Johan, kry hulp.

02/05/2008 - 02:22 - - Jy is die slegte ma wat gaan rond hoer het en jou kinders net so gelos kyk hoe ver kom jy met jou dreigemente jy moet hulp kry los twee dogterkies om in bed spr
(MY REPLY) Om in die bed te WAT? Jou sms het afgesny. Ek dreig nie meer nie. Hoer? Goed gestel as jy in aanmerking neem dat ek my verloofde al baie langer as wat almal dink ken.

02/05/2008 - 02:33 - - Wys het rondgehoer terwyl ons bymekaar was sal lilli of xaynee nooit weer praat of sien nie so kom na sa toe en kom doen iets jy veloor slegte ma jou pa hulle ok
(MY REPLY) Ag hou op toe? Jy lyk pateties en nee, ek het vir Andy ontmoet toe ons uitmekaar was.

10/05/2008 - 17:01 - - Sal jou n miss call gee as ek by xaynee is jy kan met haar praat

19/05/2008 - 22:13 - - Ek wou net weet hoe gaan dit met jou en wanneer bel jy vir xaynee of het jy ons ook afgeskryf wil net weet maar sien jyt kla
(MY REPLY) Get a life. Ek sal NOOIT ophou baklei vir my kinders nie. Jy en jou maatjie kan maar dink wat julle wil. Ek gee GEEN info meer aan jou nie, so back off.

19/05/2008 - 23:00 - - Ek het n lewe saam my kinders jy sal nooit jou kinders kry jy het n hoerjaar gekies bo jou kinders sien jou in die hof een van die dae ek en dolf het die kinders jy niks vrek eerder maar jy gaan nie jou kinders kry of mee praat so jy naai rond en maak vir jou ander wat jy eendag ook weggooi slegte ma jy kan nie n ma eers genoem word nie
(MY REPLY) Ag kry iets beter om my mee te dreig. Julle albei verveel my.

19/05/2008 - 23:06 - - Ons sal sien wie lag die laaste dis nie drygemente nie tyd sal wees wat jy is drank dis hoekom jy weer sie
(MY REPLY) Dit moet seker verskriklik voel om te weet ek is gelukkig. Jy kan dit net nie hanteer nie. Jy is nie 'n tiende van wat Andy is nie en jou slegseery maak my niks.

19/05/2008 - 23:11 - - Jy gaan verloor en jy weet dit wanneer laas het jy jou kind gebel dis n skande vir haar is haar ma dood ek het dit vir haar ge

19/05/2008 - 23:16 - - Sy vrae nie eers meer na haar ma en dit plae haar nie so ook lilli sy het n beter ma as jy jy gekry
(MY REPLY) Ek lag maar net Johan. Dis pateties.

19/05/2008 - 23:27 - - Lag maar jy is gelukkig sonder jou kinders wys net moet nie weer so pateties wees en se jy is so siek nie en weer 'n sms stuur en vrae kan jy met xaynee praat laat jou kamstige prokereur kyk of sy iets kan reel want jy gaan nie weer met haar praat nie tot die hof so se nie
(MY REPLY) Jy dink net aan jouself.

19/05/2008 - 23:41 - - Jy dink aan jouself ek het gese as jy hier is kan jy enige tyd jou kind sien maar jy kies om daar te bly so hy is belangriker as jou kinders so wie dink nou net aan hulself

20/05/2008 - 07:00 - - Ek wag wil sien wat jy en jou skynheilige ma hulle gaan se as jy nie jou kinders gaan kry wie is dan pateties

21/05/2008 - 14:03 - - Los dit jou kind word vanaand opgeneem onthou ek wou met jou reel jy wou nie moet nie eers dink om uit te vind waar sy is en by die hof sal julle dit weet so sien jou in hof o ek gaan jou dagvaar vir onderhoud ook sterkte

21/05/2008 - 14:38 - - Luister na my kalmeer bel my dan praat ons oor xaynee jys hardegat en lelik nou ly jy en jou kinders bel my dan praat ons daaroor voor dit te laat is

22/05/2008 - 09:25 - - Gaan jou oor 10min bel as jy optel praat jy nie weer met xaynee nie nooit weer

27/05/2008 - 08:00 - - Ons kan praat hoe weet ek hoe lyk dit daar gaan jy van julle duisende ponde vir xaynee elke maand stuur gee n bedrag elke maand so laat vinnig weet wl vnng wt

Goed, jammer oor die taalgebruik, maar dis presies hoe hy dit vir my gestuur het.

Thank you, I feel better now.

This is just CRAP!!!

I promised myself that I wouldn't let this upset me so much again, but I'm just getting fed up and I am REALLY frustrated.

I will NOT break down though and I WILL keep fighting.

Not much reason to ask why I'm feeling this way again, is there? There is only one answer. My children.

I phoned Johan earlier so that I could speak to Xaynee. He said that she's asleep because she has got flu. Once again, I accepted it calmly. Then he asked me when I'm going to phone him again to talk about the living arrangements with Xaynee and I told him, it's no use because he just keeps fighting. I asked him what he wants then and he said that he wants to know what it looks like over here and how I'm living because he isn't going to send Xaynee to me if he doesn't approve.

I thought, well ok fine, I'll even send him pictures. Then he started accusing me that I never really cared about Xaynee. An old issue we used to have because we used to fight about it alot during our relationship. I told him the same as I always did, that they didn't allow me to be the mother I wanted to be and I even admitted to making some mistakes, all people do. I told him that I only want what is best for Xaynee and that I would like to make up for my wrong doings in the past, I am only human.

I told him that Andy's mom used to be a nurse and that Xaynee would be well looked after. That set him off again and he started shouting at me that he will NEVER allow Andy to raise Xaynee. He was going on and on about how Andy swears at him over the phone and he even brought up the night he phoned Andy, after he discovered in my sms's to my mom that Andy was in South Africa. I still remember it very clearly and Johan was standing there in front of me as he phoned Andy and they had this huge fight over the phone. Johan then took my phone and wouldn't allow me to contact my mom. I was terrified and he threatened me, I had to stay calm. Andy finally sent an sms to my phone that he was going back to Guernsey on the next flight out and that calmed Johan down. I knew I had to get away, I needed to but I didn't know how. Johan had my cellphone and we were living 40km outside of Pretoria. Eventually I convinced Johan that I needed time on my own and he agreed to drop me off at my parents house. He gave my phone back the next day, I knew Andy wouldn't leave and he in the meantime contacted my parents and told them who he was and what was going on. I couldn't use my WAP because I didn't want to arouse Johan's suspicions. My parents went and picked Andy up from the hotel and I met him there afterwards. I had never felt so safe or relieved in my life as I did at that moment.

Ok, to go on with what happened, so I tried a new approach and asked Johan if he would still feel the same if I wasn't with Andy, but with someone else. He didn't really know what to answer and then said that he wasn't going to send Xaynee and he started shouting, so I just told him goodbye and put down the phone.

It's still the same old story, only thinking about what HE wants.

Now Lili's part...

I know that the social worker had an appointment to go and talk to them at 14:00. I couldn't use the phone until 20:50 SA time (19:50 here) and after the third try, Dolf picked up. I asked if I could speak to Lili and he said she's sleeping and he shouted at me that it nine o' clock in the night, I corrected him and said it is ten to and he just kept shouting then put down the phone.

I was furious.

While I was in SA, I remember calling even later than that. I did mention it to the social worker that I want to change the times because it is a difficult time for me to use the phone, but she said that Dolf says it fits Lili's routine best.

What the hell am I supposed to do?? Can no one see how spiteful he is being? Or is it me?

Just another day I wasn't allowed to speak to my children...

My Recent Thoughts

I have been reading loads of blogs and articles lately and it helped me more than I think even I realised. Yesterday I talked to a woman from the International Social Services and although she had alot of sympathy with me, she was also honest and I think I needed that. She told me that if Dolf is already doing this, and by that I mean ignoring my phone calls etc., that no court or social worker is going to stop him as he seems to just get away with everything. I never thought of it like that and thinking about it, it is true when you look at the way he just ignored the maintenance court order, despite his sentence and he just got away with it. It made me sad and angry. When Andy came home I didn't even want to talk to him until I finally couldn't keep it in any longer. I just cried and cried as he held me and I kept asking why it was happening to me. I calmed down after a while but the smallest things just seem to upset me and I even had a go at Mathew again. I feel guilty but I also know that Mathew will understand when I apologise. I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't do anything and pray that my little girl will understand one day. I asked the social worker how I am going to go about if I want to send Lili a birthday present and she said that I should send it to her and that she will ask Dolf if it will be ok to give it to her. That upset me just as much because I am her mother and he now has the right to say if it is ok if I send her things. She also said that she had an appointment with them to go and speak to Lili on Thursday and I asked her to tell my little girl that I love her.

She also gave me information about Xaynee and told me that I will in fact not be able to take her out of SA without Johan's permission because the new law has already been implemented. I told her that the social worker on Xaynee's case doesn't want me to talk to Xaynee and she told me to report her to the organisation's head office.

I then phoned Johan but he didn't have Xaynee with him. I talked to him for a while and I actually feel sorry for him and hate him at the same time.

He was going on about how much he loved me and still does and how he can't understand how I could have sex with him a few days before I left. He really is so pathetic. So I told him again that I only did it because of the way he abused me and threatened me with Xaynee and I reminded him that I never told him I loved him. So he started blaming me and told me that I left him in a mess and that he had no money to care for Xaynee.

I tried to explain to him again that Andy and I want to share custody with him and he started off again about how Andy always swear at him over the phone and that he doesn't know what it's like over here. I told him again to stop lying because I know that Andy didn't just start swearing at him without Johan provoking him into it by bad-mouthing me or just swearing at Andy. Johan then said it... 'I will not let him raise my child!'

There he just proved two things.

1. He has serious psychological issues. No normal person can lie like that and not be a psychopath.

2. He will not allow Andy to raise his child and yet he wants his money? He knows very well that it is not my money and that it will be coming from Andy. Revenge maybe?

He also proved a third thing...

He wasn't thinking of Xaynee, he is just obsessed with getting me back and even though he says he can't afford to look after her, he won't think of what is best for her by giving her back to me if only for a while. He just doesn't want ANDY to raise Xaynee. Jealousy.

Question is. .

If I raise these things in court, will I get the court to give me permission to take Xaynee out of SA?

I have so much proof. Johan has been threatening me and abusing me via sms's and all of these things he has sent in text.

Will that be enough to get my little girl back and should I get back into this fight?

I don't know but I sure as hell am gonna contact my attorney in SA today.

Hmmm. . .

Thinking of giving up...again

Everything is starting to get to me. I just don't know how mush more of this I can take. I phoned the social worker who is working on Xaynee's case and she told me that Johan had the right to withhold my right to speak to Xaynee if it upsets her. So I told her but I had a right to speak to her and that made no difference. So I told her how Johan is trying to manipulate me and that he isn't considering what is best for Xaynee, only for himself and she said that I'm doing the same because I said that I had a right. This is all just so wrong!

I told Andy that my court case is the 30th of June and that I can't choose him above my child, I have to go back. He's upset and I've been crying the whole morning. I didn't even sleep last night, I just don't know what to do and this is breaking my heart. What am I going to do when I get back in SA anyway? I'll be in the same situation. I won't have money or a place to stay and the court won't give Xaynee back unless I do.

There might be a way for me to get the court case postponed. If I get a letter from my doctor stating that I am undergoing medical treatment, I can use that, but on the other hand...I still don't know what is going to happen once I get back to SA and I don't know if I'll be able to afford a lawyer yet.

I'm really getting to the point where I feel like saying "Fuck this, I give up!"

Back on medication

So...I went to see the specialist today and he decided to do more blood tests. He's also going to do a liver biopsy, so I have to go back in three weeks time. In the meantime he has put me back on steroids so that will help me feel alot better. He wants to send me to see a liver specialist in Southampton, and to be honest...I hope he doesn't. I haven't gotten over my fear of people yet and I'm not sure that I will be able to cope, but if that's what I'll have to do to get better, for my kids' sake I will go. What really surprised me though was that the medication over here is not nearly as expensive as in South Africa.

I tried getting hold of the social worker that is working with Xaynee's case in Pretoria but she isn't available until tomorrow afternoon. I contacated the court and they told me that only she can help me and that the final court case is 30 June but that they can't continue if I'm not there. I'm not really happy about this but this time I'm not as stupid and ignorant as I was with Lili's case.

I am happy about one thing though and that is that Andy is happy in his work. He even met a South African today, I can't wait to get well again so I can spend more time with him.

Me vs The Game

I like to think of myself as a nice, calm, relaxed type of person. I would rather observe, rather than partake in any type of situation.

I'm patient, caring and loyal to those close to me but don't play with my other side cause you'll get eaten up as my main course dinner, I don't just bite.

Tonight my other side has been dying to surface. I'm in a very bad mood and suprising as it may seem...a damn pc game is the reason.

Why?

It's absorbing my fiance!

It sneaked it's way into the house, took over BOTH the computers I have access to, possessed my fiance and his brother and I'm left with my stupid i-mate cellphone and absolutely no one to talk to.

It's not my type of game, so I can't even join in their 'fun'.

I'm lying in bed all alone and all I'm hearing is THE GAME.

No, I'm not jealous because I can't play it, I'm furious because when I try talking to Andy, he keeps his focus on THE GAME while he's pretending to listen to me. Oh he HEARS me alright, he just doesn't listen.

Then I have Johan phoning me, asking me to phone him back. I'm worried that something might be wrong with Xaynee, so I do and what does he want? He wants to know how I'm doing and when I'm coming back.

He keeps asking me whether that social worker has contacted me yet, I wonder why.

It's a nightmare

I'm still sleeping most of the time and the pain is only getting worse. The specialist that I was supposed to see today can't get to the island because it's too misty and the doctor told Andy's mom to take me to A&E if I get worse. I hate hospitals though, so I'd rather wait.

I tried phoning the social worker, but she isn't taking any phone calls today so I asked the woman who answered the phone to give her a message and explained to her what had happened.

Then I phoned Xaynee, she sounded so sad and I just started crying because everything is getting too much for me. Johan took the phone again and I mentioned to him that Dolf won't let me speak to Lili and he replied that if he can give me a tip...I'd better get back in South Africa, quick. He didn't want to say anything more and I told him that I really couldn't, I'm just too sick at the moment. Johan asked me to post him a letter stating that I really am sick 'to help me' and that made me angry so I accused him of working together with Dolf and I put down the phone.

Andy and his mom is so worried about me and I'm really trying not to show when I'm in pain, but sometimes it just gets too bad. I haven't told Andy yet, but I guess I should...I'm having pain in my kidneys too now.

I wish this nightmare would stop.

Waiting. . .

I haven't heard anything from the social worker yet, but at the moment I an trying to just be patient and not worry about it too much. I have been sleeping alot lately, so I don't have much time to think and maybe it's just as good.

I went to the doctor this morning and they are doing blood tests and tomorrow I'll be going for an ultrasound of my liver. I feel a little guilty because it's expensive and even Andy's mom has been paying. I've never been cared for in such a way, not even by my parents, so it's kind of hard to get used to it without feeling guilty.

I've been missing Xaynee alot these past couple of days, I just hope that she's ok. I'm living with all this guilt inside of me for the way I was never really there for her because I was so heartbroken over Lili. I want so badly to make it up to her and give her the kind of life she will have over here. She will be treated the way she is supposed to be treated and that is all I want for my little angel. She deserves it.