I knew that at some point it would come to this, but I'm so fed up with all of this.

It started with Johan earlier this week when I phoned Xaynee. Somehow we got talking and it led to an argument (again because he demands maintenance) where he again threatened that he was going to stop me from talking to her in the future. Unfortunately, this time I lost my temper and threatened him back. I told him that I was going to come and take my furniture and the car and he eventually put down the phone.

Then on Thursday I phoned Lili, but something is wrong there too coz she was very quiet and tense over the phone. I had to ask a whole lot of questions just so that she would talk. I asked her if she didn't want to speak to me last week and she said she didn't. It hurt me but I also know that she isn't happy, she's still insecure as well and I will not let this go until she is happy. I know that it may sound as if I'm too optimistic about this, but I also know Dolf and the way he works to get things to go his way. That is also why I know that Lili will one day understand because her father will never change and she will see him for what he really is one day, but that doesn't mean that I will wait until that time to get her back.

What I'm upset about right now though is that I phoned Johan about 30 minutes ago and yeah.. Guess what...here was his reply when I asked him to let me speak to Xaynee:

"I told you last time how it's gonna work, you're not going to speak to her"

I wasn't really surprised. I asked him what he meant by what he said and he said it's about the maintenance and if I don't give my cooperation then he will not allow me to speak to Xaynee. I then asked him about the appointment he said he had with the social worker who I reported to SACSSP. He said that she told him that the court order does not state that I am allowed to have contact with Xaynee, so it's up to him to decide. I tried to correct him but couldn't help laughing at how wrong he is and how I can see it so clearly that he is acting out of spite and nothing else. When I asked him a second time to let me speak to Xaynee and he again refused, I lost it again and told him that he was a dog and that I will expose him for what he really is. He in turn then told me that I'm a whore who threw away her children and ran after a guy and now that things are not working out I want to come back. So I told him he's wrong and that I am coming back. He asked me what I was going back for then and I said I am going to get my child. He shouted at me that I will not get either of my kids and then he put the phone down on me without allowing me to talk to Xaynee.

An update and a *Thank You*

I haven't written anything here in such a long time that I don't even know where to start.

Last night as I lay in bed thinking I planned on writing an update as I had a conversation with Lili again last night, but there is so much more going on at the moment and my head is just so full of thoughts.

Normally when I log in every morning I check my emails first just in case there is some news from anyone about my children. I'm still waiting for the ISS to get bck to me after I provided them with all the details they asked for like Johan and Dolf's postal addresses and so on.

This morning I received an email from someone who read my blog and even though I will reply to that person personally, I feel that he deserves a special thank you here on my blog. I've received so much support since I've started writing here and believe it or not, it's that support that has kept me going sometimes when I really felt I just couldn't take it anymore. This person said something to me that reminded me of the way I used to be and I realised that it's time to start working towards being that person again.

These past few days have been absolutely horrible and I think it's the tension and stress that is getting to me. I remember when I was younger I used to get like this, all tired and nauseaous whenever I was under alot of stress or whenever I had the feeling that something bad was going on or was going to happen. It started a few days ago and yesterday I slept all throughout the day and I just had no energy and I felt so ill that it made me cry. I know that Andy thinks it's the medication, but I know myself and I know that I am having a hard time coping with all that is going on.

I haven't been able to bring myself so far to write a complaint about any of the social workers yet either and that is just adding to the stress at the moment. I'm beginning to understand why people get away with so many things now, it just takes up so much time and effort and not to mention the emotions you have to cope with like anger and pain to write letters to complain about these people that most people apparently simply give up than to go through all the hassle. It's just not easy having to go through all the channels and writing different letters and telling the same story over and over again. I'm determined not to let these social workers get away with what they did though as I have been reading up and I know now that what they did was not only breach of confidentiality, but it's regarded as infringement of my rights according to our constitution.

Lili sounded tired last night but she still sounds excited about seeing me and my parents. She even agreed to say hi to Andy over the phone and she really wants to meet him. I've been having strange feelings lately about seeing her again though. I'm almost scared and nervous, maybe it's just the stress I don't know.

Yesterday when I phoned to speak to Xaynee, Johan wasn't home...again. This is really starting to bug me now, I really hope that she is ok.

I'm also happy that I'm able to speak to my brother again and that I could finally bring him into contact with my parents. At least I know now that he is ok and he sounds happy.

I have to be honest in saying that I'm really glad to be going home. Only four more weeks and I'll be able to eat proper food again and maybe feel like myself again. There are alot of things that I don't talk about here and I don't mention it to Andy either, but I have to admit that I'm beginning to have serious doubts about whether it's going to be the right thing to do to be coming back here again. It's no one's fault, I just feel that there are some differences both between me and Andy and me and the whole Guernsey community, culture and lifestyle which I just can't overbridge. Maybe if my situation was different it might have been easier, but I don't feel I can do it.

I know that I have a bad habit of expecting other people to understand why I'm acting or behhaving in a certain manner. This might be because I am so attentive to other people's needs and I also tend to watch their behaviour closely, which is why I am considered not to be very sociable at times. That ain't true though as all I'm doing is observing whenever I pick up on a strange atmosphere. What I'm really getting at is that I also tend to back off completely when I'm in a situation where I feel uncomfortable. In fact, I cut myself off completely because I find it easier to deal with than to find myself in a situation where I have to do something I feel uncomfortable about. Very few people understand that but I've known quite a few people who actually picked up on it and I find it strange that Andy don't.

Patience

They say patience is a virtue. Hmmm...

In my view it is some damn way to see how far they can push me coz this is REALLY starting to work on my nerves and I'm gonna lose the plot if this continues.

The social worker in Bloemfontein was supposed to get back to me after she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday. No guessing about whether she did get back to me hey? No she didn't. Ok, so I thought I'd phone yesterday to hear what happened, because she apparently wanted to listen 'what his story was' because he 'had his own plans'. Whatever that may mean. I suppose it's got something to do with getting custody of Lili.

Well, so I phoned and the woman at the switchboard told me that the social worker was busy. I left her a message to please get back to me about what happened via email. It's already 10:00 am SA time and I still haven't received and email.

I also tried to phone Xaynee yesterday morning but Johan had already taken her to school. He said I could phone at 13:00, but when I phoned at about 14:00 his phone was off. How nice.

I've finally discovered the new Children's Act on the internet and I know what the new law says now. Took me a while but at least I'm getting there. I've been looking at it and I'm considering tracking LeRoy down. I've been looking at the dates for the first time without feeling guilty and I know that it is almost impossible for Johan to be Xaynee's father. Actually, I've been looking at it in various ways and when I started looking at Xaynee's photos I saw the resemblance for the first time. It is probably the best and easiest way for me to get her back, even if I have to subpoena LeRoy to appear in court. He won't want anything to do with her anyway, so I really couldn't care less. I'm not sure, but I think that the court may order for DNA tests to be carried out and that is my main concern, although I still don't think that Johan will be the father, it is the time that is worrying me. We're not gonna be in SA for that long and even waiting for Xaynee's passport (when I can finally apply for it without a father's consent) is going to be a problem.

I've got alot of worries piling up at the moment, including my visa. The fees have gone up again and it's gonna cost us R8240, which is about 500 pound. I just hope I get it coz the UK is so damn strict.

Lately Mathew and I have been getting along alot more like we used to and Andy and I have been ok, except for the times when I get really depressed and take it out on him, but that never last very long. My baby understands me better than anyone :o)

Finally feeling better

Another night went by and I didn't sleep. I'm torturing myself really, I know it and I still do it.
I've been so depressed and moody the past week that I'm almost surprised that Andy hasn't put me on a plane back to SA yet. Sometimes I felt so guilty about the way I was treating him, but mostly my anger and frustration took over. He just kept to himself mostly and waited until I calmed down and eventually break down and cried then he just held me in his arms. I know that I would never be so lucky again to get a man like him and that I probably don't appreciate him enough, but it's as though the time of going back to SA is draawing closer, the more it is affecting me. Andy is the one who keeps me strong and he always make me see things more positively. I feel like a cruel person.

I phoned Lili again last night and for the first time in ages I could recognise my child speaking to me. We had a long conversation and she sounds so excited to see me that it made me miss her even more. I promised her that I would bring her some PC games and DVDs because I know how much she loves watching DVDs and she started playing on the PC when she was only 2 years old. She even sounds excited to meet Andy and she said that she will speak english if she has to, she doesn't mind and she understands that he doesn't understand Afrikaans.

I went to see the specialist on Wednesday and he changed the dosage of my medication again. My water retention is still bad but it seems to be getting better and the specialist was happy with the results of my blood tests. It did upset me when he said that a liver transplant later on in the future is more a probability than a possibility, but then again I expected it and I really couldn't care less about my health at the moment as my main concern is my children and nothing else.

I started emailing people again after my previous post and finally got a reply from the Department of Social Development in SA. They said I should contact ISS UK. I stared at the email and the only thing that went through my head was WHAT THE FUCK???

I mean I contacted ISS UK in May already and they told me that they couldn't help me. So I forwarded that email I received from ISS UK to the Department of Social Development and they contaced ISS UK which in turn emailed me and told me that they understood that I was going back to SA permanently and that was why they said they couldn't help me. What bullshit. I mean really!! I made it clear to the damn woman that I was engaged to Andy and everything, I guess she was just covering her ass but I left it there. Then the guy asked me for the Children's Court order. Luckily I requested it to be sent to my dad about a month ago, not sure why now to be honest but I;m glad I did. I emailed the guy the whole background story about Lili and Xaynee together with the court order, but they are moving their offices and he probably won't reply before the 22nd. So now I'm waiting again.

The reason I couldn't sleep AGAIN was that except for feeling really crap, my head keeps racing and I'm trying to think of ways to get Xaynee back in my care. I've been on the net the whole night, just looking at the law and how it affects my case. I can't remember where I got the info that Johan had to give his consent if I wanted to take Xaynee out of SA because he is registered as her natural father, I think someone must have SAID it to me because all of the laws and the sites I've looked at says that I don't need his consent. Everything is just so confusing when it comes to SA, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I still think that I'm just going to go with trying to get Johan's name removed from the birth register. Guess I'll have to see what happens in court, that is if someone gets back to me SOME day with a new date that is. They are just so damn pathetic in that damn country it makes me want to scream when I have to pick up the phone.

I went one step higher with the complaint regarding the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case as well. I emailed the director at the head office of the organisation she is working for and threatened them with the SACSSP. They actually sent me a reply just to acknowledge receipt of my complaint and said they will investigate it and reply as soon as possible. I was really surprised. Still, it just goes to show you to what extremes you have to go to just to get something done. Nothing is easy when it comes to SA.

Reaching the end

After not phoning Lili on Monday night, thinking I might give it a break, I phoned again tonight and had a long conversation with her which made me realise that this fight is just not worth fighting anymore.

I told her that I was only going to phone her once a week from now on and that my parents are not going to phone her again because she never wants to speak to them. She didn't sound upset or even bothered about it. I asked her if she still wanted to go away with us on holiday when I'm there and she told me straight that she didn't want to.

I had to fight to hold the tears back. It hurt so much to hear all of these things coming from my little girl.

Maybe I was just in denial the whole time, thinking that one day I will have her back.

The way I'm feeling at the moment, I just want to send her her cellphone and forget that I have a daughter. I told her that I'd send her the cellphone and not visit if she wanted to, but she said she did want to see me.

I just don't know how to handle all the pain and hurt inside.

I phoned Xaynee earlier as well but didn't talk to her for very long before I got into another fight with Johan about money that he wants from me for Xaynee. All I wanted to know was Xaynee's shoe size so I could send her some shoes and clothes, but all he wanted was to know whether I was going to send money as well. I'm just so sick and tired of his shit, so I lost my temper, told him "Fuck you" and put down the phone.

This is all coming on top of me not being myself lately. I'm irritated by the smallest things and I'm really moody. I've been taking it out on Andy nd what makes it even worse is that I've cut off most of my emotions to the point where I don't regret it when I hurt him. I swore that I'd never do this to him but I don't know how to handle everything anymore.

I guess it started after that first time he cut himself off me and I started doing the same. I do tend to treat people the way they treat me and it only became worse after that because I'm so frustrated and sad.

I also phoned the Children's Court on Tuesday and asked what happened with the court case and whether it was postponed. A woman called Rachel, to whom I've spoken before, told me that neither the social worker, nor Johan turned up for court and that she will have to talk to the social worker about a new court date.

I guess it's supposed to be good news, but I'm caring less and less and even here, I have been receiving the comments, but I just couldn't bring myself to even publish it.

This is like one long nightmare. I just want it to end. As if I know that the longer I stay here, the harder it's going to be to wake up and get myself back into reality.

I've been having so many second thoughts and regrets about coming here in the first place. Maybe love just wasn't worth it after all. The small things is the things that make up your life, small things like the way you raise a child. I wouldn't want my children to be anything like Andy's brother's daughter. She's a spoiled little brat and she's got absolutely no discipline and even Andy sometimes seems to think that she behaves in the right way while I'm just disgusted to see a child behaving the way she does. Other children here use foul language and the discipline is definitely an issue over here. I don't want my children to be like that.

I have too many thoughts running through my head at the moment and I can't make sense of any of it to be writing here really, I just need to get rid of some of it, so I'm trying.

I don't even want to close my eyes anymore because it only leads to more thoughts...thoughts which lead to pain...and hurt.

This is the cellphone I bought for Lili for her birthday. When I saw it, I just thought that it would be perfect for her. It even has these little butterflies on the front cover. It made me happy to buy this, now I just want to forget about everything.


What is a life with all this hurt and pain worth...?

More bad news

Andy woke me up this morning. His first words was "You'll be surprised at what I read."

I was wrong.

He read my blog and he's hurt. I didn't know what to say and I'm still not sure how I feel. All I know is that he's all that I have left and that I do love him. If I lost him that would take all my reason for keeping this fight up away. I'm not even sure if he's going to come home this afternoon and on the one hand I want to phone him and ask him to please come home, but I'm scared because I don't want to bother him at work.

I phoned the person I had to complain to about the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case earlier because it is almost the 30th and I need to know if they will postpone the court case for me. This person told me that he received my letter last week already. These people just never fail to surprise me. Why didn't he come back to me?! He just said that he still needs to talk to the social worker and that he will phone me back.

i then phoned Lili's social worker and was informed by the woman at the switchboard that the social worker is on holiday until the 10th of July. At this point you should please excuse my language, but WHAT THE FUCK???

So I asked the woman if there is another social worker who I could talk to and I was told that the other one is on sick leave.

There are only 3 things that you can do in a case like this: laugh, cry or get angry.

Tears and anger will get me nowhere, so I just chose to laugh. Then I phoned Xaynee and although she seemed kind of distant she sounded happy to talk to me.

Then Johan started on me again about maintenance. The more I try to explain to him that there is no way that I can pay maintenance unless I work because the court won't hold Andy responsible, the less he seemed to understand it. Next thing, he said that he is going to sue my parents for maintenance then. Before thinking, I broke down and just put the phone down after I told him that he and Dolf are the two cruelest people I've ever come across. He only replied that I'm the cruel one before I put the phone down. I realized later that he's not entitled to maintenance anyway unless he has full custody or is awarded anything by the Children's Court during the next court case.

I shouldn't have let him get to me, but I'm really sad about Andy and hurting him. I know I am being selfish, but it feels like I'm living in a trance where reality is just passing in front of my eyes and I'm not really part of it. I wish I knew how to pull myself together. I've done it before, I can't let it win me this time.

Confession about Xaynee

I've been sitting here in front of the computer for a while now without doing anything really except listen to a few Afrikaans songs. I then read a few blogs and it got me thinking again.

I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing, but lately I just couldn't care less about posting here anymore. Last night it bothered me though, because I know that it helped me to get rid of all of the frustrations and anger and sometimes hurt I feel inside.

I don't really care who reads here or what they think to be honest, I'm just me...being honest and true to myself and about what I am feeling inside. People are very judgemental unfortunately, and that is something I tend to fall victim to easily as I am hurt so easily by words. Andy and I used to chat to this woman from Australia on that mobile site back then before we actually met for example. We were such good friends until Andy and I broke up and this woman turned on me because Andy then had a short relationship with another Australian woman who was her friend. When Andy and I got back together and she read in my old blog about my plans of leaving my children behind in SA and coming to Guernsey, she told me straight that I was a bad mother and so did other people. It was never easy and I had to learn not to let what others think affect me so much.

I'm typing here, but I'm afraid that today I'm not going to make much sense as my thoughts are jumping from one to the next again.

I spoke to Lili on Thursday again, so all is going well with that. I'm more worried about what the hell is going on with Johan. I phoned on Thursday to speak to Xaynee and he said she wasn't with him, she was with his mom. I asked if it would be ok if I phoned on Friday and he said it was. I asked him about the noise in the background and he admitted that he was in a pub, drinking. Then he said that I'll have to phone between 12:00 and 13:30 SA time because he is taking Xaynee back to his mom. Obviously something is going on here. I know he's got the new girlfriend now, so his 'concern' about Xaynee is not what it used to be. It is just so obvious, to me at least that he had been using Xaynee to get to me, but now that doesn't matter anymore because he has found a new supply source for his sick narcissism.

I thought about keeping this out of my blog, but since I've been honest so far and this will bring more perspective on to just how sick a person like Johan can be, I decided that I am going to tell you.

Back in 2002 when I first met Johan at work, we were only together for a few months until he basically told me to take my things and go. So I did. This happened in December 2002 and it was exactly at the time that Lili was supposed to visit Dolf in Kuruman. I decided to visit Kuruman with her and I stayed with Dolf at his parents' place. We actually had a good time and I even went with him to his year-end function. Something happened during the first night we went out though...

I met a guy in the night club we visited whose name was LeRoy. I don't even remember his surname anymore but I ended up going home with him after Dolf got jealous, which he had no right to. Needless to say, this was to me nothing more than a one-night stand, or so I thought at the time. LeRoy was engaged and I knew there were no chance of us ever being together even after he came to visit me at Dolf's parents' house after that a couple of times. Dolf obviously figured out that there was more between me and LeRoy than I was letting on and after I went back to Pretoria with Lili and eventually ended up moving back in with Johan, he also told Johan about me and LeRoy.

Johan wasn't supid and he checked my cellphone and saw LeRoy's number and that he had been phoning me. LeRoy even bought me airtime at times and I truly missed him, but I had to let go eventually. We both had to. He became a memory I knew I could never let go, of a blonde boy with the most stunning eyes I'd ever come across until I saw Andy's dark blue eyes :)

I never claimed to be an innocent young girl and I used to be a rebellious teenager, I wouldn't change a thing about my past though, I learned most of what I know today through the mistakes I made.

Back to LeRoy...

This is the part where it becomes complicated. In May 2003 I found out that I was already 20 weeks pregnant. I was stunned.
Then I made the calculations....

I wasn't with Johan when I became pregnant, and he knew it. He kept asking me if I slept with LeRoy, even until just a few days before I came here. I just couldn't admit it, I was too scared and he knew it.

Fact is, it is highly improbable that Xaynee is Johan's child.

To add to the fact fact that I was away from Johan for almost the whole of December 2002, Xaynee has blonde hair and green eyes and those that have seen her photo will know, she is very light skinned. Johan has got a very dark skin, although he is 'white' (not being racist) and both his other children has that same dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes he's got.

I know that genetically anything is possible, but this is something I never thought of until Andy mentioned it to me again. I told Andy everything about myself and he even knew that I did contact LeRoy afterwards and told him that there was a possibility that Xaynee was his child. He was still engaged to the same girl and he souldn't care less about Xaynee and asked me what I wanted from him. I was hurt but left it there and told him that I just think he ought to know.

I never spoke to LeRoy again, but I remember something about him mentioning something about going to the UK, but this was in 2005.

In the meantime, Johan kept asking me about me and LeRoy for the whole time of our relationship. He didn't consider this when he expected me to register Xaynee at home affairs though because he told me to register her in his name and with him as being her father, even though we both knew what the truth was. He knew that I would submit out of fear.

Maybe now you will understand why it's so important for me to get Xaynee back. Johan had been using her because he was so obsessed with me and he didn't think of what the consequences were going to be. He may say that he loves her, but this man knows absolutely nothing about what love really is. My child deserves so much more.

This is where it comes to my parents. I am still not sure whether it is because Xaynee is Johan's (or so they assume), or because of her disability that they never accepted her. My personal opinion is that it is because of Johan.

This is what angers me the most about my parents. I wonder sometimes if they would have treated her better if I'd been honest from the start. What would they do if I told them now?

This is the thing about being raised the way I was. You just don't talk to your parents about sex or anything related to it and that is exactly what brings situations like these on. This child is being treated badly for me making the mistake of being too scared to be honest about it with my parents because THEY raised me this way.

Weekend happenings

I decided to go with Andy to his work on Saturday because I felt I had to get out of the house for a bit. I'm still having a really difficult time getting used to the people over here, so I just did what I usually do and sat at a table doing some writing.

It doesn't really bother me to be on my own and I actually prefer it that way, for the moment at least. I had to phone Lili at 20:00 though, but the shop at the garage didn't sell my network provider's airtime credit, so I had to phone from the payphone. I kinda lost it when they didn't pick up the phone and the answering machine came on, because I had 2 pounds credit and lost it all. I haven't lost my temper like that for a very long time. I grabbed my handbag and stormed off down the road, I didn't get far before I just sat down and cried.

I felt angry at everyone, even Andy. Sometimes I wonder where he gets the strength to put up with my mood swings, he just seems to forget about it and he never brings it up again afterwards. As I was sitting there, I couldn't believe that I was so negative at that moment, while just an hour before, I was writing about how positive I was feeling. I also knew that I was probably overreacting, but I felt so powerless and lonely.

I was trying to justify what I had just done, so I blamed Andy for just assuming that I was supposed to know how the phone works, same as he is assuming that I am supposed to know how everything else around here works. No one has to tell me how childish that sounds, and that is exactly where my problem of expressing myself comes in.

I was not only angry about the fact that I couldn't speak to my daughter (I refused to use more money), I was also angry because I know exactly what her father is telling her and I am completely powerless to prevent it. He is the type who will use one phone call that I skipped, like this one, to prove in court that I didn't really care about phoning. There is no way I can prove that I had just spent more than R30 in their currency to make a phone call which they didn't answer. Although I have been phoning from the house phone since Elsabe said that I am always phoning from a different number (a ridiculous statement, I mean how many people do they know who phone from the UK?), it just isn't always possible for me to be at home. I never get out and the ONE time I did, this happens. I phoned their house phone because it was a different number I was now calling from and I didn't want them to be able to use the same excuse again as Elsabe did before by the number showing on Dolf's cell. This is just one small incident, but they always find a way to manipulate it in their favour by making it so damn complicated.

As far as me not wanting to spend more money to make another phone call goes, even though Andy told me to, that is another issue. I'm still making the mistake of converting everything into Rand value. Due to the fact that I was living in circumstances which the average South African would judge as 'poor' ever since I met and moved in with Johan, money tends to scare me. Even though I was brought up in a normal, middle-class home, I grew accustomed to not having money and that is what is making it really difficult for me here. It may seem like a small issue to most, but it influenced my life a whole lot more than I realized at first.

I actually tried to post this yesterday, but had to save a draft because I was feeling really ill for some reason so I went back to bed. Later the afternoon I phoned Johan so I could speak to Xaynee and again he said she was asleep. I wasn't feeling very well and for the first time I really got angry at him. He's got this irritating habit of not listening to people properly which forces you to repeat yourself to him, so when I asked him when I could call then because he always has an excuse that Xaynee is either not with him or asleep, and he told me to repeat myself, I flipped. I shouted exactly the same as what I had said earlier over the phone, I was stupid and should've known what he was trying to do, because that was when he put the phone down on me. It took me a while to calm down after that.

I know I should never have allowed myself to get angry, he doesn't deserve my anger. The thing that really set me off was the fact that I didn't speak to Lili the previous day either and I wasn't feeling very well either. It's small things and I shouldn't allow for it to upset me this much, but it just goes on and on and on...

Sometimes I wonder what is going through Andy's head when he sees me like that, or when I take it out on him and it really isn't his fault. He's never blamed me or even brought anything up afterwards. I asked him about it and he just said that life is too short to hold grudges. A simple and very old saying, but I guess that sums it up. Whenever I'm upset he just gives me a hug and tell me it'll be alright.

There is nothing special about our relationship, it's just a normal relationship with ups and (sometimes terrible) downs, but that is exactly what makes it different for me. Having gone through two abusive relationships, I didn't know what 'normal' was and what I was used to is what I grew accustomed to as being normal in any relationship. It's almost sad when I look back at it now, the way I found it difficult to trust Andy when we met on the chat site even though he never lied and was just being himself, he just seemed too perfect. Normal was too good to be true for me and I didn't want to trust him or anyone else, I knew what I had to do and how to act and what to say with Johan to keep him from getting angry. Or so I thought, but I was wrong in so many ways.

I found it strange at first when people used to comment and say that they didn't know how I could cope. Maybe it was because I didn't know either, so I took some time this weekend to think about it and I came to a few very interesting conclusions which I will post about later.

I do appreciate every comment and I have received more support than I expected to be honest. When I started my blog I never even meant to read other blogs or planned on keeping track of other people's blogs, but I find myself doing it every day now. In fact, I never expected that anyone would read my blog because to me my story and my thoughts just don't hold any significance. I want to thank the following people though:

• Emil Jung
• Sting
• Wipneus

These people have each in their own way proven to me that there are more to life than what I thought when I first started blogging and as long as there are people like them around, it gives me enough reason to overcome my obstacles and keep fighting not only for what I believe in, but also for what is right.

Thoughts on walls

I really am starting to get the idea that I have way too much time on my hands.

At least I spoke to both my children today, so I have no reason to feel depressed or sad. Johan is still going on about getting maintenance out of me, I have learned to not get upset about it. It's better to just take things one step at a time.

Lili seemed more like her normal self tonight and it was good to hear her laugh. That's all I really want, for my children to be happy.

My head's a mess though and I wish I knew how to sort myself out. I've been thinking alot about how my relationship with Johan used to be and I think that is what is getting to me. Can't really stop myself from thinking, the thoughts just comes into my head.

I still have so much anger inside me and I should really find a way to deal with it.

I always used to say that I just want to be the girl I used to be before he came into my life. Guess that won't be possible though. Too much has happened and it changed me in more ways than I thought. I don't like the things I used to like any more and I don't have the self-confidence and self-motivation that I used to have. Very few things excite me and I have a very difficult time focusing on finishing something.

It's as if these bad memories keep creeping into my head, absorbing all that is positive and destroying it in the process. You see, telling my story the way I am doing right now in all the different parts was like telling you about a tree, it's name, where it's growing and about all of it's surroundings. I may have mentioned some major storms and cold winters that this tree had to grow through, but it's the little things that I did not mention which really made that tree what it is. It's the deliberate deprivation of water, which that tree found so essential, and the breaking of it's small branches...the ones no one ever noticed which made that tree weep whenever it rained, because it was too proud to allow people to see what it has become.

There are so many small things that people just don't understand and I've never been good at expressing myself, so sometimes I just feel like I'm talking to a wall. Walls generally don't talk back, unless you've either got a very active imagination or are psychologically a bit over the edge. I just can't see myself talking to people if I can't make them understand the way I feel. People just don't see things the way I see things, never have, never will.

So he's finally moved on...

I'm feeling really guilty. I know I've been shutting Andy out lately, but whenever I try to talk to him, he just doesn't seem to understand.

I am constantly thinking. Mu whole life is revolving around getting my children back, but all the thinking has also made me realize that this is going to be even harder than I thought.

My day just started out bad as I phoned Johan to speak to Xaynee this morning and he said she is in school, but immediately said that he wants to talk things over first. I asked what he meant and he started going on about me paying him maintenance again. He actually sneered at me and told me that it's not about him wanting me back any more because he 'has someone else' now, which explains why a woman answered the phone when I phoned yesterday.

I really couldn't care less, I know what he is trying to do and I'm definately not stupid. I will admit that I am a bit angry at the way he is doing this and still demanding money from me in order for me to talk to my daughter. Just goes to show that he has got a serious problem. He asked if he should contact a lawyer regarding maintenance and I told him to go ahead, because I don't have an income. It's not as if I choose not to, but he just don't get it that I'm not allowed to work over here.

It still shocks me every time to see how stupid he can be, and I am not being nasty here. He really is. I mean, which part of 'not recieving money pending the inquiry' into the Children's Court proceedings doesn't he understand? And he actually told me today that I CAN pay maintenance because my 'fiance' (and he added here that this is what I said to Magda in my email to her, which again proves her breach of confidentiality), is receving an income. He really believes that, although it's not true.

I'm starting to think that he really does suffer from some personality disorder. To be honest, all the signs are there and that just makes me even more suspicious. I never even thought about it up until recently, but it's all just adding up.

He really is living in his own little make-believe fantasy world, he's never wrong and never have been and he's got one very highly selective memory. That's only to start with.

It suits me fine that he seems to forget one single very important aspect as far as Xaynee is concerned. Something I thought I'd never use against him, but he's not only pushing this a little too far, I am also having my doubts regarding how stable he really is.

Even after I left him and came here, I kept looking at myself for mistakes. Maybe becasue everyone always used to blame me and told me I got myself into the situation, I had to sort it out. The social worker made this worse by also choosing to support Johan, even after I told her most of the details about our relationship. I really thought it was my fault, and every time Johan accused me of being a bad mother for leaving, it got to me.

I've allowed far too much for far too long. I know what I have to do now, but when and how is the question.

Just a few notes

I need to sleep. I should be really. I just can't because I can't stop thinking. I tried to phone Xaynee and a woman answered the phone. As I am, I was friendly and asked her if I could speak to Xaynee. I don't know who she is but she was rude and told me I will have to phone back later because Xaynee is not with them. I asked what time and she replied that I could phone tomorrow morning. I don't know what to think and I am not in the right state of mind to even comment. I phoned the social worker about Lili, she took a note and later emailed me and told me that Dolf couldn't make it for the appointment with her and told me to keep her up to date. I did manage to speak to Lili, but I am really worried. She is ill, but she wasn't herself either. My mom phoned after me and noted the same thing, so I know that I am definately not paranoid. It has been a bad day for me and I feel guilty because I am taking it out on Andy, and he's only trying to help. I know that it's the lack of sleep that's causing me to feel like this but I just have too much on my mind and the steroids ain't really helping. I am trying really hard to stay strong but it gets to me sometimes. I won't give up though. I can't, I got this far and giving up would be a rather stupid thing to do.

My View: Parental Alienation and the South African Law

I tried to phone Xaynee yesterday.

When Johan answered the phone, he was immediately on the attack. I could hardly get a word in as he was going on about how rude it was of me to put down the phone on him the other day. I interrupted him and asked if I could please speak to Xaynee, so he told me "No, you can't."

I just said "Ok.", then I put down the phone and continued with the ironing. Then I thought, well, ok then...just another thing I am going to make a note of, but I wanted to know WHY I couldn't speak to her.

I phoned him again and again he was shouting at me, again I interrupted and asked him for a reason. He replied that it was because I was rude to him and started going on about the fact that I'm not giving him any money for her, I just put the phone down on him again.

I'm sorry, I just don't need that treatment any longer. I don't HAVE to talk to him, I only want to speak to my child.

After that I started chatting with my dad on MSN. Yeah... I decided that it's better to make peace with my parents, although they don't offer me the kind of support that I really need, at least they want me to be happy.

Exactly 20:00 SA time I phoned Dolf's cellphone to speak to Lili. It was off.
Tried again, off.
So I tried phoning the house phone, twice, no answer.
I was getting worked up, I realized I wasn't going to talk to Lili, again.
Then I phoned her stepmom's number, here they kept pressing the 'ignore' button or something because I got the same message 3 times that "The other person has cleared."
I tried phoning the other numbers again and finally gave up.

I got back on MSN and my dad said that he will try to phone from his number.

This was between 20:15 and 20:30.

After a while my dad came back and told me that my mom phoned from one of his other cellphone numbers.

Dolf's mother picked up the phone and told my mom that Dolf and Elsabe were visiting them for the weekend, but that Lili was already asleep and that Dolf said my mom can phone on Monday at 20:00. So my mom asked if she couldn't just phone the next day (which is today), and Dolf's mom replied that Dolf is refusing that Lili be bothered during a weekend. She also made the following comments to my mom: "You phone from strange numbers hey?" and "There is a new agreement between Renata and Dolf's attorney now".

To be honest, this type of thing doesn't even surprise me anymore.

My dad said to me that he's sure Lili knows what they're doing, but she can't do anything about it. That made me feel better, I remember how Lili told me that she knew and I mentioned it to my dad. I also explained to him that I am going to sue Dolf for the total amount of the maintenance that he is in arrears with.

I also told my dad that there is no agreement with an attorney and that I'm only working through the social worker, because mediation is her work.

I just need to ask my dad which number he phoned Elsabe's phone from. This time I'm making notes of every damn thing. I am not going to let them get away with doing this. In my point of view, all they care about is THEM, not Lili. Their actions are out of spite, not caring. I'm kind of getting the feeling that they are starting to panic, but I may be imagining things.

I know I'm young and I still have so much to learn about life, but I also know that I have expererience in alot of things, like judging people. I have worked with many different kinds of people in my work and I gained knowledge through my experiences. I is still shocking to see how downright stupid some people can be though.

By answering that phone call from my dad, after ignoring my phone calls, they just proved how stupid they really are. I don't believe Lili was asleep, but if they didn't lie, they would also have admitted to deliberately refusing me to have contact with her. These are just my thoughts on it, and I might be wrong because I am sad, but it makes me angry that South Africa has a system which allows parents to actually do this to their children, despite the fact that there are actually laws that is supposed to prevent it.

Laws like:

General Law Further Amendment Act, No 93 of 1962 Section One provides criminal sanctions for a parent who fails to comply with an order of court relating to access to children: “(1) Any parent having custody of his or her minor child in terms of an order of court, who contrary to such order and without reasonable cause, refuses the child’s other parent access to such child or prevents such other parent from having such access, shall be guilty of an offence and liable on conviction to a fine or to imprisonment for a period not exceeding one year or to such imprisonment without the option of a fine.”

Mediation services seems to be governing the law and there is nothing I can do about it, except make another phone call on Monday morning to the social worker and tell her about this.

As I mentioned earlier, I think they are getting paranoid. I kept staying one step ahead of them and they didn't expect that. Like when they moved to Bloemfontein, they didn't expect me to find out about it OR find out what their telephone number is etc. In the end my constant emails to the Department of Social Development and my complaints paid off, because that kept me that one step ahead. Dolf didn't expect me to contact a social worker either, that explains his phone call to me the day he phoned and shouted at me for "...putting the welfare on his case...".

Now, I don't know much about the law and the way I see things might not even be right, but I was never planning on letting this go. I am a mother and I love my child, it's natural to only want the best for her. In SA I didn't have access to the information on the internet the way I do now and even now that I do, it is shocking to see that most sites are focused on children being kept away from fathers, not mothers. Make no mistake, it helped me to gain alot of information about the issue and I really sympathize with these fathers as Andy is in the same type of situation.

In South Africa I did apply for legal aid, I never got any. After a while it felt like either you need the money to fight the system, or you have to be like Dolf and Johan (and their families), and be able to manipulate the people in the right places.

I did not have the money, and I am not manipulative. So the system allow the WRONG people to get away with the RIGHT things. You can't blame the system though, so how do you solve something like this?

I know now that (from what I can understand anyway), I still have custody. Dolf's problem is that he wants custody, because he wants maintenance. The Children's Court could only place Lili in his foster care, they didn't grant him any money and knowing him, I think he expected them to. The Children's Court can only place a child in foster care for a period of two years, after which the matter has to go back to court. During the two years, mediation services are supposed to monitor the situation and IDEALLY try to place the child in the parent's care who has custody. If this is not in the best interest of the child, the matter will go back to court EVERY to years, unless custody is granted to the other parent by the High Court, so for Dolf to get custody though, he will have to go to the High Court.

That is a problem for him. He doesn't have the money and trying to get custody in a court of law can get quite expensive. I know by this time that if I couldn't even get legal aid, he sure as hell won't. Not for custody.

What really bugs the living shit out of me though is all the questions I have. Questions that, if you don't have the right attorney (when I think in terms of an attorney, I panic because I know they are expensive), you will never have answered. If you ask the social worker, they only talk your question away or simply say "Yeah... but you see, we don't really work with the law..." and then they start explaining to you that they only have to look at what is best for the child blah.. blah..

I also mentioned to my dad then that the social worker on Xaynee's case said it's ok that Johan won't allow me to speak to her and that I am going to report her. I contacted the SACSSP during the week and they sent me the forms, but I first have to complain to the social worker's organisation she is working for's head office. I tried to contact them on Friday, but there was no answer, so I'll do it tomorrow.

Ah well... That's it from me for today.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :o)

Letting Go of Shame

I posted earlier how Andy's mother had taught me that there is no need to be ashamed of my past. Since I've got nothing to hide, I am going to post something here which may shock a few of the Afrikaans readers, so if you don't like bad language, I suggest that you do not read this entry.

I started this blog to show people what my life was like, not to gain sympathy or support as many may think. No, I want people back home to wake up to the real world and recognize the signs of Domestic Violence and the various forms of abuse that go along with it.

First though, a quick recap of my day. I didn't go for a liver biopsy in the end and the doctor is happy with the way my health has improved. He gave me a letter to get my court case which is scheduled at the Children's Court for 30 June postponed and I will send it to the social worker on Monday.

I haven't been sleeping much lately, I only sleep every second night. It's the steroids causing it, so my concentration isn't what it should be but I feel alot better than 2 weeks ago.

I phoned Lili's social worker in Bloemfontein to tell her about last night and she told me that she was running late yesterday and when she phoned Dolf, he said he was on his way back to work. So I still don't know how Lili is, but I can phone her tomorrow again. The social worker said something strange, but it didn't register until I put the phone down. She said there is a few things that she wants to look into regarding the case. I guess I was too upset. I asked her again if we couldn't change the times and she said that she has to think of what is in the best interest of the child. Now, that didn't make sense. Yes, so it suits her routine best at that time, but it's almost impossible for me to phone at that time. Isn't it in the child's best interest to have contact with her mother?? No wait, according to law it is her RIGHT. What the hell is wrong with these people? I only speak to her for 3 minutes at a time maximum anyway! What is 3 minutes in a 16 hour day? I kept myself calm...again. I told the social worker that I'm making notes of everything, the case has to go back to court next year anyway. NOTHING will make my child forget me.

Ok, now for the other part.

I'm sorry for the english readers who will not understand this, but I translate everything in my head all day, every day, so I'm not in much of a mood to translate this. For some reason I am just fuming and I want to get this out in a way.

These are some of the sms messages I have received from Johan. I am so sick of all of these people getting away with everything and I am nothing like him. Yes, I do get angry and swear sometimes, but I have never used this type of language. Call me whatever you want, I deem myself better than this. He really is one sick bastard and I can't believe I was so stupid to ever get into a relationship with him. I like to think of myself as intelligent, and I know that I am. How did I fall in this guy's trap?

28/03/2008 - 12:48 - - Renata jy moet dringend met my praat oor Xaynee die dokter gaan nie met jou praat nie die inligting is vertroulik jy moet met my praat dat ons die ding van die kinders kan afhandel magda sal ook dink maandag met jou in verbinding tree ek gaan jou 3uur ons tyd bel tel op asb

29/03/2008 - 10:57 - - Renata ek wil jou net vrae as jy nog die persoon is wat ek ken bel net vir Xaynee al praat jy net 1min met haar ek weet jy is lief vir haar moenie daai harde mens word wat net wil haat jy is n goei mens en jy weet dit so probeur groot asb om haar te bel as nie kan gee mis call of please call me asb bel haar net

31/03/2008 - 13:08 - - Soek geld vir Xaynee se naskool asb en vir doeke laat weet as ek die rek no moet stuur die skool geld moet vandag betaal word as jy dit nie kan doen laat weet net asb

31/03/2008 - 20:54 - - As jy met Xaynee wil praat laat jou prokureur my bel om tye vas te maak as jy kamsteg so baie vir jou kind voel stuur vir haar geld

01/04/2008 - 14:26 - - Hulle soek daai geld van Xaynee vandag gaan jy dit vir my gee of nie laat my net weet asb gee mis ek sal bel

04/04/2008 - 13:39 - - Jy sal nooit weer met een van jou kinders praat of weer sien totdat daai poes nie weg is nie ek gaan daai kaal foto veroop en op side dat almal kan sien hoe lyk jou poes
(Hy verwys na 'n kaal foto wat hy sonder my medewete geneem het.)

04/04/2008 - 21:14 - - Ek se vir Xaynee haar MA gaan haar bel en jy bel NIE wat moet ek vir haar se het sy nog 'n ma of nie ek dink sy het nie want ma's bel jul kinders as hulle so se
(Ek het nie weer gebel nie na aanleiding van die ander sms.)

06/04/2008 - 20:30 - - Nata ek gaan jou more bel so 12uur jou tyd praat asb dan met ons baba sy mis jou baie. Kom trug die week gro asb ek sal jou gaan haal as jy wil en na jou ma vat

12/04/2008 - 18:59 - - Maak jou self vrek en doen ons almal n guns want jy is nie n MA wert anders sou jy hier gewees het vir haar dink daaroor kom trug na jou kinders asb

14/04/2008 - 18:49 - - Ek gaan jou oor 5min bel praat asb met xaynee ek het klaar vir haar gese jy gaan bel asb

20/04/2008 - 15:22 - - Hallo sal jy asb jou cv vir my stuur jy kan dit na jou pa stuur ek sal dit daar kry of na Johan00@mweb.co.za bel groot asb vir xaynee vandag asb baai

24/04/2008 - 00:17 - - Jy het di ekans gehad om jou kind te he maar jy kies hom bo jou kinders so jy gaan nie weer met Xaynee praat of sien nie jy is nie eers vir Lili se verjaarsdag hier nie jy het nog nie 'n sent vir Xaynee of Lilli gegee jy hoer net daar rond niemand glo n Ma los haar kinders vir n ou net hoere doen dit so besluit of jy n Ma of n hoer is as jy n Ma is kom trug na jou kinders of bly n hoer en bly daar sal vir Xaynee se Ma DOOD EK GEE JOU TOT 1UUR ONS TYD OM MY TE BEL EN SE WAT JY GAAN MAAK DINK MOOI NIE DREIGEMENT EK GAAN DIT DOEN WAT EK GESE HET HOE MOEILIK OOK AL SO DINK MOOI

25/04/2008 - 15:34 - - Kan jy my se of jy daai ander sms gekry het van of jy hom kies of jou kinders ek gaan doen met Xaynee wat ek gese het daar is nie ander uitweg so se my net asb

25/04/2008 - 15:49 - - As jy so raak dat die welsyn my bel en se dat jy met Xaynee moet praat ek kan ook hard wees soos jy ek wil nie bakly hoekom lelik wees met my die kind ly en jy

26/04/2008 - 16:13 - - Ek het verkeurde no gestuur maar jy het mos jou mind opgemaak so jy het dit dan nie meer nodig nie so ek kan maar al die inligting gee wat sy soek besluit wie vir jou die belangrikste is jy of jou kinders as dit jou kinders is kan jy vir Xaynee bel anders nie dankie lekker lewe

01/05/2008 - 18:18 - - Sal jou pa vir my geld inbetaal vir Xaynee laat weet my asb
(MY REPLY) Vir die dokter? Ek sal reel dat hy haar self vat en als betaal.

02/05/2008 - 02:14 - - Hou dan jou geld jy sal haar nie sien nie as jy daai houding het moet dan nie weer vir Xaynee bel nie sb dit gaan op jou gewete wees sn moet nie weer bel nie
(MY REPLY) Dit was nie met 'n houding gese en ek is binnekort terug in SA, dan sal ons sien. Jy is siek en obsessief Johan, kry hulp.

02/05/2008 - 02:22 - - Jy is die slegte ma wat gaan rond hoer het en jou kinders net so gelos kyk hoe ver kom jy met jou dreigemente jy moet hulp kry los twee dogterkies om in bed spr
(MY REPLY) Om in die bed te WAT? Jou sms het afgesny. Ek dreig nie meer nie. Hoer? Goed gestel as jy in aanmerking neem dat ek my verloofde al baie langer as wat almal dink ken.

02/05/2008 - 02:33 - - Wys het rondgehoer terwyl ons bymekaar was sal lilli of xaynee nooit weer praat of sien nie so kom na sa toe en kom doen iets jy veloor slegte ma jou pa hulle ok
(MY REPLY) Ag hou op toe? Jy lyk pateties en nee, ek het vir Andy ontmoet toe ons uitmekaar was.

10/05/2008 - 17:01 - - Sal jou n miss call gee as ek by xaynee is jy kan met haar praat

19/05/2008 - 22:13 - - Ek wou net weet hoe gaan dit met jou en wanneer bel jy vir xaynee of het jy ons ook afgeskryf wil net weet maar sien jyt kla
(MY REPLY) Get a life. Ek sal NOOIT ophou baklei vir my kinders nie. Jy en jou maatjie kan maar dink wat julle wil. Ek gee GEEN info meer aan jou nie, so back off.

19/05/2008 - 23:00 - - Ek het n lewe saam my kinders jy sal nooit jou kinders kry jy het n hoerjaar gekies bo jou kinders sien jou in die hof een van die dae ek en dolf het die kinders jy niks vrek eerder maar jy gaan nie jou kinders kry of mee praat so jy naai rond en maak vir jou ander wat jy eendag ook weggooi slegte ma jy kan nie n ma eers genoem word nie
(MY REPLY) Ag kry iets beter om my mee te dreig. Julle albei verveel my.

19/05/2008 - 23:06 - - Ons sal sien wie lag die laaste dis nie drygemente nie tyd sal wees wat jy is drank dis hoekom jy weer sie
(MY REPLY) Dit moet seker verskriklik voel om te weet ek is gelukkig. Jy kan dit net nie hanteer nie. Jy is nie 'n tiende van wat Andy is nie en jou slegseery maak my niks.

19/05/2008 - 23:11 - - Jy gaan verloor en jy weet dit wanneer laas het jy jou kind gebel dis n skande vir haar is haar ma dood ek het dit vir haar ge

19/05/2008 - 23:16 - - Sy vrae nie eers meer na haar ma en dit plae haar nie so ook lilli sy het n beter ma as jy jy gekry
(MY REPLY) Ek lag maar net Johan. Dis pateties.

19/05/2008 - 23:27 - - Lag maar jy is gelukkig sonder jou kinders wys net moet nie weer so pateties wees en se jy is so siek nie en weer 'n sms stuur en vrae kan jy met xaynee praat laat jou kamstige prokereur kyk of sy iets kan reel want jy gaan nie weer met haar praat nie tot die hof so se nie
(MY REPLY) Jy dink net aan jouself.

19/05/2008 - 23:41 - - Jy dink aan jouself ek het gese as jy hier is kan jy enige tyd jou kind sien maar jy kies om daar te bly so hy is belangriker as jou kinders so wie dink nou net aan hulself

20/05/2008 - 07:00 - - Ek wag wil sien wat jy en jou skynheilige ma hulle gaan se as jy nie jou kinders gaan kry wie is dan pateties

21/05/2008 - 14:03 - - Los dit jou kind word vanaand opgeneem onthou ek wou met jou reel jy wou nie moet nie eers dink om uit te vind waar sy is en by die hof sal julle dit weet so sien jou in hof o ek gaan jou dagvaar vir onderhoud ook sterkte

21/05/2008 - 14:38 - - Luister na my kalmeer bel my dan praat ons oor xaynee jys hardegat en lelik nou ly jy en jou kinders bel my dan praat ons daaroor voor dit te laat is

22/05/2008 - 09:25 - - Gaan jou oor 10min bel as jy optel praat jy nie weer met xaynee nie nooit weer

27/05/2008 - 08:00 - - Ons kan praat hoe weet ek hoe lyk dit daar gaan jy van julle duisende ponde vir xaynee elke maand stuur gee n bedrag elke maand so laat vinnig weet wl vnng wt

Goed, jammer oor die taalgebruik, maar dis presies hoe hy dit vir my gestuur het.

Thank you, I feel better now.

This is just CRAP!!!

I promised myself that I wouldn't let this upset me so much again, but I'm just getting fed up and I am REALLY frustrated.

I will NOT break down though and I WILL keep fighting.

Not much reason to ask why I'm feeling this way again, is there? There is only one answer. My children.

I phoned Johan earlier so that I could speak to Xaynee. He said that she's asleep because she has got flu. Once again, I accepted it calmly. Then he asked me when I'm going to phone him again to talk about the living arrangements with Xaynee and I told him, it's no use because he just keeps fighting. I asked him what he wants then and he said that he wants to know what it looks like over here and how I'm living because he isn't going to send Xaynee to me if he doesn't approve.

I thought, well ok fine, I'll even send him pictures. Then he started accusing me that I never really cared about Xaynee. An old issue we used to have because we used to fight about it alot during our relationship. I told him the same as I always did, that they didn't allow me to be the mother I wanted to be and I even admitted to making some mistakes, all people do. I told him that I only want what is best for Xaynee and that I would like to make up for my wrong doings in the past, I am only human.

I told him that Andy's mom used to be a nurse and that Xaynee would be well looked after. That set him off again and he started shouting at me that he will NEVER allow Andy to raise Xaynee. He was going on and on about how Andy swears at him over the phone and he even brought up the night he phoned Andy, after he discovered in my sms's to my mom that Andy was in South Africa. I still remember it very clearly and Johan was standing there in front of me as he phoned Andy and they had this huge fight over the phone. Johan then took my phone and wouldn't allow me to contact my mom. I was terrified and he threatened me, I had to stay calm. Andy finally sent an sms to my phone that he was going back to Guernsey on the next flight out and that calmed Johan down. I knew I had to get away, I needed to but I didn't know how. Johan had my cellphone and we were living 40km outside of Pretoria. Eventually I convinced Johan that I needed time on my own and he agreed to drop me off at my parents house. He gave my phone back the next day, I knew Andy wouldn't leave and he in the meantime contacted my parents and told them who he was and what was going on. I couldn't use my WAP because I didn't want to arouse Johan's suspicions. My parents went and picked Andy up from the hotel and I met him there afterwards. I had never felt so safe or relieved in my life as I did at that moment.

Ok, to go on with what happened, so I tried a new approach and asked Johan if he would still feel the same if I wasn't with Andy, but with someone else. He didn't really know what to answer and then said that he wasn't going to send Xaynee and he started shouting, so I just told him goodbye and put down the phone.

It's still the same old story, only thinking about what HE wants.

Now Lili's part...

I know that the social worker had an appointment to go and talk to them at 14:00. I couldn't use the phone until 20:50 SA time (19:50 here) and after the third try, Dolf picked up. I asked if I could speak to Lili and he said she's sleeping and he shouted at me that it nine o' clock in the night, I corrected him and said it is ten to and he just kept shouting then put down the phone.

I was furious.

While I was in SA, I remember calling even later than that. I did mention it to the social worker that I want to change the times because it is a difficult time for me to use the phone, but she said that Dolf says it fits Lili's routine best.

What the hell am I supposed to do?? Can no one see how spiteful he is being? Or is it me?

Just another day I wasn't allowed to speak to my children...

My Recent Thoughts

I have been reading loads of blogs and articles lately and it helped me more than I think even I realised. Yesterday I talked to a woman from the International Social Services and although she had alot of sympathy with me, she was also honest and I think I needed that. She told me that if Dolf is already doing this, and by that I mean ignoring my phone calls etc., that no court or social worker is going to stop him as he seems to just get away with everything. I never thought of it like that and thinking about it, it is true when you look at the way he just ignored the maintenance court order, despite his sentence and he just got away with it. It made me sad and angry. When Andy came home I didn't even want to talk to him until I finally couldn't keep it in any longer. I just cried and cried as he held me and I kept asking why it was happening to me. I calmed down after a while but the smallest things just seem to upset me and I even had a go at Mathew again. I feel guilty but I also know that Mathew will understand when I apologise. I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't do anything and pray that my little girl will understand one day. I asked the social worker how I am going to go about if I want to send Lili a birthday present and she said that I should send it to her and that she will ask Dolf if it will be ok to give it to her. That upset me just as much because I am her mother and he now has the right to say if it is ok if I send her things. She also said that she had an appointment with them to go and speak to Lili on Thursday and I asked her to tell my little girl that I love her.

She also gave me information about Xaynee and told me that I will in fact not be able to take her out of SA without Johan's permission because the new law has already been implemented. I told her that the social worker on Xaynee's case doesn't want me to talk to Xaynee and she told me to report her to the organisation's head office.

I then phoned Johan but he didn't have Xaynee with him. I talked to him for a while and I actually feel sorry for him and hate him at the same time.

He was going on about how much he loved me and still does and how he can't understand how I could have sex with him a few days before I left. He really is so pathetic. So I told him again that I only did it because of the way he abused me and threatened me with Xaynee and I reminded him that I never told him I loved him. So he started blaming me and told me that I left him in a mess and that he had no money to care for Xaynee.

I tried to explain to him again that Andy and I want to share custody with him and he started off again about how Andy always swear at him over the phone and that he doesn't know what it's like over here. I told him again to stop lying because I know that Andy didn't just start swearing at him without Johan provoking him into it by bad-mouthing me or just swearing at Andy. Johan then said it... 'I will not let him raise my child!'

There he just proved two things.

1. He has serious psychological issues. No normal person can lie like that and not be a psychopath.

2. He will not allow Andy to raise his child and yet he wants his money? He knows very well that it is not my money and that it will be coming from Andy. Revenge maybe?

He also proved a third thing...

He wasn't thinking of Xaynee, he is just obsessed with getting me back and even though he says he can't afford to look after her, he won't think of what is best for her by giving her back to me if only for a while. He just doesn't want ANDY to raise Xaynee. Jealousy.

Question is. .

If I raise these things in court, will I get the court to give me permission to take Xaynee out of SA?

I have so much proof. Johan has been threatening me and abusing me via sms's and all of these things he has sent in text.

Will that be enough to get my little girl back and should I get back into this fight?

I don't know but I sure as hell am gonna contact my attorney in SA today.

Hmmm. . .

I tried

I phoned Johan and tried to talk to him. He just told me that if I didn't send him money, he's not going to allow for me to see Xaynee.

Then I phoned Lili. I asked her if I could talk to Dolf and at first he listened, then he said that he will give me his attorney's telephone number. I told Lili that I';d speak to her again, but Dolf hang up and wouldn't answer the phone again.

I tried.

Don't know what to do anymore :'(

Yesterday...

Well, after my terrible tantrum yesterday...I took some time to think, something I should've done a long time ago.

It all started with me and Andy having an argument about his daughter. I want for him to fight to get visitation rights and he just couldn't seem to be bothered. Then it hit me that he turned down the visitation rights he had because he didn't want to see his child under supervision. I was disgusted, thinking of myself again, I thought that if I had Lili so close to me, I would do anything to see her, even if it is under supervision.

So I ended up sleeping downstairs in the lounge and when I woke up, I told Mathew that I want my money because I want to go back to South Africa.

But then I had a talk with Andy again and I realised I was being selfish. I wasn't him and he needed to deal with this in his own time.

Then I tried phoning Lili, because I was too sick yesterday and Dolf wouldn't let me talk to her. I asked him if he would just explain to her why I couldn't phone the day before and he was rude when he said "No, I think she understands". As if he was insinuating that I just didn't care. He told me to phone on Monday. When I put down the phone, I couldn't stop crying.

Then I started thinking...

I realised that my children became my obsession and I had to let go.

Yeah... I know this is going to sound as if I am a bad mother and that I just don't care, but this is how I see it...

1. My children are all I think about, talk about and dream about and it is the only think I focus on. It meant that my relationship with Andy and everyone around me has become strained.

2. I was being selfish. Yes, I did want the best for my children, but I wanted them with ME more.

3. I was getting sicker and sicker, I need to focus on regaining my strength and getting well again.

4. If my fight for my kids has put such a tremendous strain on my and Andy's relationship, I know that it must be doing the same to Dolf and his wife. I see his wife as a kind-hearted person and the fact that she was being rude to me the other day should've opened my eyes already. In the end, it's not me, Andy, Dolf or Elsabe who is suffering the most. It's my little girl.

5. I remembered how I prayed to God and asked for his help. I knew that these were the answers I needed. I need to move on, let go and allow God to handle this for me, because I can't.

I talked it over with Andy and he told me to think about my decision for a day and then, if I'm still sure that it's the right thing to do, I can go ahead. Well, I've had time and this is my decision:

*Lili*

I am going to trust Dolf and Elsabe that they only want what is best for my daughter and that they will look after her. I would like to be able to talk to my daughter comfortably and see her whenever I go to SA. I want to be able to send her presents and know that she will get it and I want Dolf and Elsabe to stop worrying so that we can build up a trusting relationship where my daughter can feel she is not just an object worth fighting over.

*Xaynee*

I want to ask Johan that we share custody without me going back to SA. I am going to leave this up to him. Xaynee will never have the life of a normal child and I think she will not be disrupted as much if we can agree to let her stay with each of us for six months at a time. I think that in the long run it will be best for her as she will also be getting the medical treatment that she needs.

All I can do is hope and pray that this is going to work out ok and I am going to start focusing on getting well again, I need to.

I don't care what people think. I love my children more than anything and that will never change, but this is what I need to do.

Feeling better

The steroids seem to be working because I have alot more energy and I'm even gonna go up to Andy's work tomorrow so I can spend a little more time with him.

I'm really proud of him and he is happy in his new work, that makes me glad :o)

Tonight I spent some time with Andy's gran and Mathew and we were playing some game I never saw in South Africa, it was fun because I've been keeping to myself alot lately and Mathew and I are also back on speaking terms after we've sorted out most of our issues.

I'm feeling less depressed as well since I made my decision to let go a little bit of my situation.

There is no use in crying the whole time, I am going to focus on getting healthy for the time being because I have a future and there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view either, in the end, whatever happens...nothing will change the way I feel about my children and even though I feel that there were alot of people who conspired against me, one day it will be their debt to pay.

I will also continue in telling my story and I will add extra bits and pieces to it as I remember them. I need to do it, it's just my way of accepting my past and moving on. I need to do it for Andy's sake, actually I should have done it a long time ago.

I am thinking about leaving the choice up to Johan, if he decides to allow his jealousy and obsession to cloud his mind...in the end he's gonna be the one to deal with his conscience. I can offer and provide Xaynee the love, care, and medical treatment she deserves and I will never keep her from seeing her father. I am just not the type of person who will take revenge. If Johan wants to take that away from my little girl, so be it. I can't fight against South Africa's laws and corrupt justice system, that doesn't mean that I am not going to get an attorney and go to court, but if I can't bring her here then Johan will be the one depriving her of a decent future.

As far as Lili is concerned, I haven't really decided yet. All I know is that I want my little princess to be happy and whatever happens...I will make sure she is just that before I'm making any decisions.

It's time for me to start focusing on what I have and that is a wonderful, loving and caring man who will do anything to make me happy. I want him to be happy too, because after all he's helped me with and all the support he has given me, I haven't done much to make him feel that I'm thankful. He has given me a chance and he saw in me the person I forgot I can be. He accepted me unconditionally and I want him to know that I will do whatever I can to make up for the second chance at life he has given me.

It is not always easy for me to talk to anyone here and expressing my feelings is even harder because I'm not english but Andy is the one person who just seems to understand without me even having to explain. I wish I could convince him to start fighting for visitation rights for his daughter, I would love to see and meet his little girl and I would really like for her to be a part of our life together. He just seems so hesitant. He doesn't really talk about it and he's convinced that it's going to be hard and I can understand that he might feel scared. He just doesn't want to get his hopes up and then get disappointed, but I have a very strong feeling that he should start dealing with that part of his life too. I know he is going to read this eventually and I hope he won't be upset with me. I just think he's already proved that he can act responsibly if he's got the motivation to do so. His past and everything that goes with it shouldn't keep him from seeing his daughter, I hope he understands that I am feeling really strong about this.

Anyway, I read a quote a long time ago...

„Just because a person made mistakes, that doesn't make him a bad person.″

I mentioned this to Andy tonight and he agreed, as I think anyone will do.

I've made many mistakes, but I learned from them and it made me the person I am today.

I just want my baby to be happy and if you're reading this...

Baby, I love you and thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for understanding and accepting me and thank you for being who you are because you made me the person I am today xxx