Feelings of Guilt

Something strange occured to me earlier today. I simply wanted to ask Andy to make me a cup of tea, as I wasn't feeling very well and I was in bed. My heart started pounding and I was just too afraid to ask him. He did notice that I wanted to say something and insisted that I just come out and say it. I was so afraid that it made me cry and I wasn't even sure why until I explained to him that I was afraid of what his reaction was going to be. He immediately understood what was going on inside my head and he said that he knows I am afraid that he may also change at any time and make me feel guilty for asking things, much like the way Johan and Dolf did. I know now that it was a controlling tactic that both of them used, cruel really, because it is still affecting me. I never thought that emotional abuse had so many aspects to it. By forcing myself to open up and face all of this, I have stirred up more emotions than I thought I would. I am remembering so many small details, which just goes to show that even a few words, said in a certain way, or a gesture, or even an insinuation can be used as bricks to build a prison which will isolate a person in order to control that person's life, feelings, and emotions.