I knew that at some point it would come to this, but I'm so fed up with all of this.

It started with Johan earlier this week when I phoned Xaynee. Somehow we got talking and it led to an argument (again because he demands maintenance) where he again threatened that he was going to stop me from talking to her in the future. Unfortunately, this time I lost my temper and threatened him back. I told him that I was going to come and take my furniture and the car and he eventually put down the phone.

Then on Thursday I phoned Lili, but something is wrong there too coz she was very quiet and tense over the phone. I had to ask a whole lot of questions just so that she would talk. I asked her if she didn't want to speak to me last week and she said she didn't. It hurt me but I also know that she isn't happy, she's still insecure as well and I will not let this go until she is happy. I know that it may sound as if I'm too optimistic about this, but I also know Dolf and the way he works to get things to go his way. That is also why I know that Lili will one day understand because her father will never change and she will see him for what he really is one day, but that doesn't mean that I will wait until that time to get her back.

What I'm upset about right now though is that I phoned Johan about 30 minutes ago and yeah.. Guess what...here was his reply when I asked him to let me speak to Xaynee:

"I told you last time how it's gonna work, you're not going to speak to her"

I wasn't really surprised. I asked him what he meant by what he said and he said it's about the maintenance and if I don't give my cooperation then he will not allow me to speak to Xaynee. I then asked him about the appointment he said he had with the social worker who I reported to SACSSP. He said that she told him that the court order does not state that I am allowed to have contact with Xaynee, so it's up to him to decide. I tried to correct him but couldn't help laughing at how wrong he is and how I can see it so clearly that he is acting out of spite and nothing else. When I asked him a second time to let me speak to Xaynee and he again refused, I lost it again and told him that he was a dog and that I will expose him for what he really is. He in turn then told me that I'm a whore who threw away her children and ran after a guy and now that things are not working out I want to come back. So I told him he's wrong and that I am coming back. He asked me what I was going back for then and I said I am going to get my child. He shouted at me that I will not get either of my kids and then he put the phone down on me without allowing me to talk to Xaynee.

And again...

I'm seriously getting fed up with this.

Obviously something caused Dolf to be upset again. I phoned Lili at 20:15 on Thursday night and what did I get? The phone put down on me 3 times when I tried his cell and the house number was just ignored.

So here we go again. What the hell did I do wrong this time?

He doesn't have a right to do this. In fact, it's against the law, but that just don't seem to matter.

I'm just so scared that I won't be able to see her when I go back and there isn't much time left but no one has come back to me from ISS yet and I'm getting worried.

An update and a *Thank You*

I haven't written anything here in such a long time that I don't even know where to start.

Last night as I lay in bed thinking I planned on writing an update as I had a conversation with Lili again last night, but there is so much more going on at the moment and my head is just so full of thoughts.

Normally when I log in every morning I check my emails first just in case there is some news from anyone about my children. I'm still waiting for the ISS to get bck to me after I provided them with all the details they asked for like Johan and Dolf's postal addresses and so on.

This morning I received an email from someone who read my blog and even though I will reply to that person personally, I feel that he deserves a special thank you here on my blog. I've received so much support since I've started writing here and believe it or not, it's that support that has kept me going sometimes when I really felt I just couldn't take it anymore. This person said something to me that reminded me of the way I used to be and I realised that it's time to start working towards being that person again.

These past few days have been absolutely horrible and I think it's the tension and stress that is getting to me. I remember when I was younger I used to get like this, all tired and nauseaous whenever I was under alot of stress or whenever I had the feeling that something bad was going on or was going to happen. It started a few days ago and yesterday I slept all throughout the day and I just had no energy and I felt so ill that it made me cry. I know that Andy thinks it's the medication, but I know myself and I know that I am having a hard time coping with all that is going on.

I haven't been able to bring myself so far to write a complaint about any of the social workers yet either and that is just adding to the stress at the moment. I'm beginning to understand why people get away with so many things now, it just takes up so much time and effort and not to mention the emotions you have to cope with like anger and pain to write letters to complain about these people that most people apparently simply give up than to go through all the hassle. It's just not easy having to go through all the channels and writing different letters and telling the same story over and over again. I'm determined not to let these social workers get away with what they did though as I have been reading up and I know now that what they did was not only breach of confidentiality, but it's regarded as infringement of my rights according to our constitution.

Lili sounded tired last night but she still sounds excited about seeing me and my parents. She even agreed to say hi to Andy over the phone and she really wants to meet him. I've been having strange feelings lately about seeing her again though. I'm almost scared and nervous, maybe it's just the stress I don't know.

Yesterday when I phoned to speak to Xaynee, Johan wasn't home...again. This is really starting to bug me now, I really hope that she is ok.

I'm also happy that I'm able to speak to my brother again and that I could finally bring him into contact with my parents. At least I know now that he is ok and he sounds happy.

I have to be honest in saying that I'm really glad to be going home. Only four more weeks and I'll be able to eat proper food again and maybe feel like myself again. There are alot of things that I don't talk about here and I don't mention it to Andy either, but I have to admit that I'm beginning to have serious doubts about whether it's going to be the right thing to do to be coming back here again. It's no one's fault, I just feel that there are some differences both between me and Andy and me and the whole Guernsey community, culture and lifestyle which I just can't overbridge. Maybe if my situation was different it might have been easier, but I don't feel I can do it.

I know that I have a bad habit of expecting other people to understand why I'm acting or behhaving in a certain manner. This might be because I am so attentive to other people's needs and I also tend to watch their behaviour closely, which is why I am considered not to be very sociable at times. That ain't true though as all I'm doing is observing whenever I pick up on a strange atmosphere. What I'm really getting at is that I also tend to back off completely when I'm in a situation where I feel uncomfortable. In fact, I cut myself off completely because I find it easier to deal with than to find myself in a situation where I have to do something I feel uncomfortable about. Very few people understand that but I've known quite a few people who actually picked up on it and I find it strange that Andy don't.

Disappointed and Angry

On 12 May this year I wrote on this blog how happy I was that I finally found a social worker who seemed to understand my situation. I was wrong, VERY wrong.

I'm referring to the social worker in Bloemfontein ofcourse, the one from the organisation I contacted when I had so much trouble getting hold of Lili.

Well, she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday and when I didn't hear anything from her by Tuesday, I phoned her office and asked for her to email me because she was busy. Yesterday I got her email and this was her reply:

"Ek het toe ‘n afspraak Maandag 21 Julie met die Kotze – egpaar gehad wat hulle nagekom het. Daaruit is besluit dat ons vir Alicia gaan assesseer en ‘n afspraak daarvoor is in Augustus verkry. Ons gaan haar forensies assesseer ten einde te let op die moontlike seksuele mishandeling wat in haar verlede plaasgevind het.



Ek wil net ook weer die rolle reg definieer. Ek is die herenigings werker wat ‘n diens aan Mnr Kotze verleen, m.a.w., ek moet hulle help dat Alicia suksesvol by hulle aanpas en aanbly. My verantwoordelikheid is dus grootliks by hulle. Dit het tot gevolg dat ek nie elke keer wat ek met hulle te doen gehad het vir jou terugvoer gaan gee nie. Die maatskaplike werker in Kuruman is seker nog by jou betrokke."

I was so upset by this that Andy couldn't take it anymore I guess coz he sent her an email telling her exactly what he thought of it all.

In the first place there is the assessment that they want to do on Lili. (Damn woman even spelled her name wrong.) Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against it being done but I'm a bit confused. If I remember correctly Lili was assessed BEFORE the court case in July last year? If the allegations is true, I swear I will probably kill Johan, but the part I really don't understand is why Dolf allowed Johan to speak to her on her birthday then while he was ignoring all of MY phone calls? Something just doesn't make sense.

Then there's her saying in the email that she is the REUNIFICATION worker and her responsibility lies mainly with Dolf and Elsabe. First of all, who contacted her in the first place FOR reunification services? Or will someone please define that word for me, coz I'm getting more and more angry and confused here.

Also, so that Lili can stay with them? Everyone seems to be forgetting that this was a TEMPORARY placement.

Then she comes out with the social worker in Kuruman which left me even more confused. Even if there WAS a social worker in Kuruman, what would she be able to do about it?

Oh, but here comes the best part. Yesterday I also received a letter from the ISS UK and the guy asked me for more details and so on. So I sent it to him and forwarded this email, but just as I was about to send it Andy noticed something strange.

She sent that email to the social worker I filed the complaint against in Pretoria and who is working on Xaynee's case as well! So I browsed through my inbox and saw that she's been doing this since 12 June.

I just don't see what the two social workers have to do with one another and why this was done. I have nothing to hide, but why can social workers not be trusted? And how the hell did these two come across one another?

I'm considering my options here, but I'm to angry to be making any decisions right now. The guy from ISS UK knows that I'm questioning the integrity of the social workers in SA, but what can I do about it?

All I wanted was to be sure that I would be able to see Lili. I was even willing to leave Lili in Dolf's care at one point, but now I'm not so sure. It is clear that he got the social worker exactly where he wants her through his lies once again and I'm getting fed up.

I know for a fact that Dolf can not have changed. He was violent and abusive even before I met him and he was the same after I left him from what I could gather from the woman he used to be engaged to who I met at the court that day. Men like that don't change overnight. Problem is that there is no way that I can prove that Lili's behaviour is caused by him and not the past. Not while she is being manipulated.

There is nothing I can do. Again.

Patience

They say patience is a virtue. Hmmm...

In my view it is some damn way to see how far they can push me coz this is REALLY starting to work on my nerves and I'm gonna lose the plot if this continues.

The social worker in Bloemfontein was supposed to get back to me after she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday. No guessing about whether she did get back to me hey? No she didn't. Ok, so I thought I'd phone yesterday to hear what happened, because she apparently wanted to listen 'what his story was' because he 'had his own plans'. Whatever that may mean. I suppose it's got something to do with getting custody of Lili.

Well, so I phoned and the woman at the switchboard told me that the social worker was busy. I left her a message to please get back to me about what happened via email. It's already 10:00 am SA time and I still haven't received and email.

I also tried to phone Xaynee yesterday morning but Johan had already taken her to school. He said I could phone at 13:00, but when I phoned at about 14:00 his phone was off. How nice.

I've finally discovered the new Children's Act on the internet and I know what the new law says now. Took me a while but at least I'm getting there. I've been looking at it and I'm considering tracking LeRoy down. I've been looking at the dates for the first time without feeling guilty and I know that it is almost impossible for Johan to be Xaynee's father. Actually, I've been looking at it in various ways and when I started looking at Xaynee's photos I saw the resemblance for the first time. It is probably the best and easiest way for me to get her back, even if I have to subpoena LeRoy to appear in court. He won't want anything to do with her anyway, so I really couldn't care less. I'm not sure, but I think that the court may order for DNA tests to be carried out and that is my main concern, although I still don't think that Johan will be the father, it is the time that is worrying me. We're not gonna be in SA for that long and even waiting for Xaynee's passport (when I can finally apply for it without a father's consent) is going to be a problem.

I've got alot of worries piling up at the moment, including my visa. The fees have gone up again and it's gonna cost us R8240, which is about 500 pound. I just hope I get it coz the UK is so damn strict.

Lately Mathew and I have been getting along alot more like we used to and Andy and I have been ok, except for the times when I get really depressed and take it out on him, but that never last very long. My baby understands me better than anyone :o)

Finally feeling better

Another night went by and I didn't sleep. I'm torturing myself really, I know it and I still do it.
I've been so depressed and moody the past week that I'm almost surprised that Andy hasn't put me on a plane back to SA yet. Sometimes I felt so guilty about the way I was treating him, but mostly my anger and frustration took over. He just kept to himself mostly and waited until I calmed down and eventually break down and cried then he just held me in his arms. I know that I would never be so lucky again to get a man like him and that I probably don't appreciate him enough, but it's as though the time of going back to SA is draawing closer, the more it is affecting me. Andy is the one who keeps me strong and he always make me see things more positively. I feel like a cruel person.

I phoned Lili again last night and for the first time in ages I could recognise my child speaking to me. We had a long conversation and she sounds so excited to see me that it made me miss her even more. I promised her that I would bring her some PC games and DVDs because I know how much she loves watching DVDs and she started playing on the PC when she was only 2 years old. She even sounds excited to meet Andy and she said that she will speak english if she has to, she doesn't mind and she understands that he doesn't understand Afrikaans.

I went to see the specialist on Wednesday and he changed the dosage of my medication again. My water retention is still bad but it seems to be getting better and the specialist was happy with the results of my blood tests. It did upset me when he said that a liver transplant later on in the future is more a probability than a possibility, but then again I expected it and I really couldn't care less about my health at the moment as my main concern is my children and nothing else.

I started emailing people again after my previous post and finally got a reply from the Department of Social Development in SA. They said I should contact ISS UK. I stared at the email and the only thing that went through my head was WHAT THE FUCK???

I mean I contacted ISS UK in May already and they told me that they couldn't help me. So I forwarded that email I received from ISS UK to the Department of Social Development and they contaced ISS UK which in turn emailed me and told me that they understood that I was going back to SA permanently and that was why they said they couldn't help me. What bullshit. I mean really!! I made it clear to the damn woman that I was engaged to Andy and everything, I guess she was just covering her ass but I left it there. Then the guy asked me for the Children's Court order. Luckily I requested it to be sent to my dad about a month ago, not sure why now to be honest but I;m glad I did. I emailed the guy the whole background story about Lili and Xaynee together with the court order, but they are moving their offices and he probably won't reply before the 22nd. So now I'm waiting again.

The reason I couldn't sleep AGAIN was that except for feeling really crap, my head keeps racing and I'm trying to think of ways to get Xaynee back in my care. I've been on the net the whole night, just looking at the law and how it affects my case. I can't remember where I got the info that Johan had to give his consent if I wanted to take Xaynee out of SA because he is registered as her natural father, I think someone must have SAID it to me because all of the laws and the sites I've looked at says that I don't need his consent. Everything is just so confusing when it comes to SA, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I still think that I'm just going to go with trying to get Johan's name removed from the birth register. Guess I'll have to see what happens in court, that is if someone gets back to me SOME day with a new date that is. They are just so damn pathetic in that damn country it makes me want to scream when I have to pick up the phone.

I went one step higher with the complaint regarding the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case as well. I emailed the director at the head office of the organisation she is working for and threatened them with the SACSSP. They actually sent me a reply just to acknowledge receipt of my complaint and said they will investigate it and reply as soon as possible. I was really surprised. Still, it just goes to show you to what extremes you have to go to just to get something done. Nothing is easy when it comes to SA.

I'm sad. I'm angry.

I feel helpless and I just want to cry.

The following video is for my two little girls.

If I never get the chance to see them again, I just want them to know that I have and always will love them.

If you hear a voice in the middle of the night
Sayin’ it’ll be alright
It will be me

If you feel a hand guiding you along
When the path seems wrong
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

If there is a key that goes to your heart
A special part
It will be me

If you need a friend
Call out to the wind
To hold you again
It will be me

Oh how the world seems so unfair
Creating a love that can not be shared
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

Past the ever after there’s a place for two
In your tears of laughter
I’ll be there for you

In the sun and the moon
In the land and the sea
Look all around you
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
It will be me
It will be me...

Aanvaarding

Nadat ek gister weer met Lili gepraat het en dit my vreeslik ontstel het om haar te hoor se dat sy nie vir die vakansie wanneer ek daar is weer soos laas jaar na my ouers toe wil gaan sodat ons almal daar kan bly vir die vakansie nie, het ek laat gisteraand gaan stap en dit was donker teen die tyd dat Andy my gebel het en vir my gevra het waar ek is omdat hy alreeds by die huis was.

Die afgelope ruk het ek al hoe meer depressief begin raak en dit het weer die punt bereik waar ek nie eers meer in die oggend lus voel om op te staan nie. Wat dit nog erger maak is dat ek alles op Andy uithaal en boonop daarop uit gaan om met hom moeilikheid te soek omdat ek na 'n manier soek om van als wat so opkrop binne in my ontslae te raak. Alhoewel hy soms ook maar ingee en kwaad word vat dit nie lank voordat hy na my toe kom en vir my 'n drukkie gee en my weer moed inpraat nie. Hy is wonderlik en ek weet werklik nie wat ek sonder hom sou gedoen het nie.

Ek het vir Lili gese dat ons in daardie geval dan maar net 'n dag of twee in Bloemfontein sal oorbly sodat sy my darem kan sien, maar diep binne my maak dit so seer om net te dink aan haar "uh-uh" toe ek vir haar vra of sy by my ouers wil gaan kuier.

Dit gaan nou al so lank aan en dis nie haar skuld dat sy van my vervreem is nie, so ek kan haar nie blameer nie. Dolf het sy sin gekry, maar dis nou nog vir my moeilik om in te sien hoe iemand so wreed kan wees.

Hierdie hele situasie met Lili het my die laaste tyd nogal baie laat dink aan die 5 fases van aanvaarding dat jy besig is om dood te gaan nadat ek nou die aand The Bucket List gekyk het. Die 5 fases is natuurlik:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Dis natuurlik op baie gevalle van toepassing en ek weet ook nou dat ek deur meeste hiervan is, behalwe aanvaarding. Ek het altyd gese dat ek nooit sal ophou baklei nie, maar dalk is dit ook tyd dat ek begin aanvaar dat ek niks meer aan die situuasie kan doen nie en dat slegs tyd sal leer.

Miskien is dit tyd dat ek begin fokus op die dinge waaraan ek wel iets kan doen, soos Xaynee.

My gedagtes en my lewe het ontaard in iets wat lyk soos 'n bondel wasgoed in 'n wasmasjien. Ek kon nie meer uitmaak wat wat is nie en een ding loop na 'n ander. Als is net 'n gemors en ek kon nie meer fokus of konsentreer op dit wat werklik saak maak nie.

Dis tyd dat dit verander en dit gaan vandag gebeur.

Ek het besluit om meer aandag te gee aan die hele kwessie wat Xaynee betref, wat natuurlik beteken dat ek weer die hof gaan kontak rakende 'n nuwe hofdatum en ek gaan ook die Departement van Binnelandse Sake email en ook kontak rakende haar geboorte. Hopelik kry ek vir 'n slag iets gedoen want ek is al so moeg vir al die pogings wat tot niks lei nie dat ek al wil skree.

Ek gaan ook begin werk aan punte waarop ek kan fokus wat Xaynee betref want niks gaan my weghou van die dinge want ek nog oorhet in my lewe nie en dit sluit op hierdie stadium net Andy en Xaynee in. Dit beteken nie dat ek vir Lili afgeskryf het nie. Dit maak bitter seer om net aan haar te dink en net die gedagte aan haar pragtige glimlag bring trane in my oe, maar ek kan nie meer my hele lewe van koers af hou ter wille van haar nie. Sy sal altyd 'n plek he by ons en ek sal seker maak dat sy dit weet wanneer ek vir haar gaan hallo se, maar dis tyd om te aanvaar en laat gaan, al is dit nie maklik nie.

Revenge

Of all of the photos I have taken of Lili, this one was always my favourite. When I look at it now, all I can see is a sad look in her eyes and it makes me want to cry.

I know it's over and that it's time for me to accept that Dolf has won this battle.

Somehow I just can't. Andy's talked me out of most of my negative thoughts and although I know it may not be worth it and that I'm probably just wasting my time, I'm still phoning people to keep fighting. That includes the family advocate and the Children's Court and even though this woman at the Department of Social Development told me that I'll first have to establish a relationship with Lili again (which won't happen) before I can get her back, I just can't let go.

Something in me snapped last night. I used to be the type of person who let things just go their own way, but at this stage, wrong as it may seem I am starting to think of taking revenge on both Dolf and Elsabe and make them pay for this nightmare I have been living for more than a year now.

It's not over, not until I see him suffer the pain and hurt I have been made to suffer ever since I met him and as for Elsabe, she should have known better than to drive me to this point.

They will regret every tear that they made me cry.

Reaching the end

After not phoning Lili on Monday night, thinking I might give it a break, I phoned again tonight and had a long conversation with her which made me realise that this fight is just not worth fighting anymore.

I told her that I was only going to phone her once a week from now on and that my parents are not going to phone her again because she never wants to speak to them. She didn't sound upset or even bothered about it. I asked her if she still wanted to go away with us on holiday when I'm there and she told me straight that she didn't want to.

I had to fight to hold the tears back. It hurt so much to hear all of these things coming from my little girl.

Maybe I was just in denial the whole time, thinking that one day I will have her back.

The way I'm feeling at the moment, I just want to send her her cellphone and forget that I have a daughter. I told her that I'd send her the cellphone and not visit if she wanted to, but she said she did want to see me.

I just don't know how to handle all the pain and hurt inside.

I phoned Xaynee earlier as well but didn't talk to her for very long before I got into another fight with Johan about money that he wants from me for Xaynee. All I wanted to know was Xaynee's shoe size so I could send her some shoes and clothes, but all he wanted was to know whether I was going to send money as well. I'm just so sick and tired of his shit, so I lost my temper, told him "Fuck you" and put down the phone.

This is all coming on top of me not being myself lately. I'm irritated by the smallest things and I'm really moody. I've been taking it out on Andy nd what makes it even worse is that I've cut off most of my emotions to the point where I don't regret it when I hurt him. I swore that I'd never do this to him but I don't know how to handle everything anymore.

I guess it started after that first time he cut himself off me and I started doing the same. I do tend to treat people the way they treat me and it only became worse after that because I'm so frustrated and sad.

I also phoned the Children's Court on Tuesday and asked what happened with the court case and whether it was postponed. A woman called Rachel, to whom I've spoken before, told me that neither the social worker, nor Johan turned up for court and that she will have to talk to the social worker about a new court date.

I guess it's supposed to be good news, but I'm caring less and less and even here, I have been receiving the comments, but I just couldn't bring myself to even publish it.

This is like one long nightmare. I just want it to end. As if I know that the longer I stay here, the harder it's going to be to wake up and get myself back into reality.

I've been having so many second thoughts and regrets about coming here in the first place. Maybe love just wasn't worth it after all. The small things is the things that make up your life, small things like the way you raise a child. I wouldn't want my children to be anything like Andy's brother's daughter. She's a spoiled little brat and she's got absolutely no discipline and even Andy sometimes seems to think that she behaves in the right way while I'm just disgusted to see a child behaving the way she does. Other children here use foul language and the discipline is definitely an issue over here. I don't want my children to be like that.

I have too many thoughts running through my head at the moment and I can't make sense of any of it to be writing here really, I just need to get rid of some of it, so I'm trying.

I don't even want to close my eyes anymore because it only leads to more thoughts...thoughts which lead to pain...and hurt.

This is the cellphone I bought for Lili for her birthday. When I saw it, I just thought that it would be perfect for her. It even has these little butterflies on the front cover. It made me happy to buy this, now I just want to forget about everything.


What is a life with all this hurt and pain worth...?

After taking a break...

As you can see, I took a break from life on the web for a while. I needed to get some kind of direction in my life again, but in the meantime quite a few things happened.

On Thursday I went to work with Andy so we could spend a little more time together. We've both been working on other ways to get more money in and that caused us to be spending alot less time together than we used to. I had to phone Lili from Andy's cellphone, although I didn't have much hope that she would answer after the way things have been going. I was sitting in the corner of the pub and when the cellphone said 19:00, I phoned Dolf's house phone. To my surprise Lili answered with an excited: "Hello Mamma!". We were talking for a while and I told her that I would bring her a few DVD's because I know she loves watching movies, what bothered me though is that twice during our conversation i sounded as if another phone was being used to listen in on our conversation. After the second time that I noticed this, the phone cut off. I tried to phone again and Dolf picked up and started shouting at me that I could phone Lili after 20:00. I was confused until Andy told me that it was in fact 19:00 in SA, apparently the cellphone's time was wrong. It was an honest mistake and I really didn't deserve to be shouted at like that. This is the type of behaviour that Lili sees coming from her dad and it is just wrong. I phoned again after 20:00 and told Lili that my time had been wrong on my cellphone and that it was an honest mistake, she didn't seemed too bothered about it though and just continued talking and she reminded me about her cellphone lol even Andy heard and understood because I had her on speakerphone. She said that she'll speak to me again today, so we'll see what happens later when I phone.

I phoned Xaynee earlier and she is really getting so cute over the phone. I can make out more and more of her words now and it looks like the speech therapy is finally paying off. I still think that she will be better off here where she will get one-on-one treatment and not like there where she is just another child in a class full of children. I really miss my little angel and sometimes I wish that I could just have her here so that I can take her to the beach.

Things have been going better between me and Andy lately and I've also been spending some time with his mom. My health also seems to be improving and I think that most of the symptoms I've been experiencing lately was caused by the new treatment, but my system have adapted to it now and I really hope that it will work so that I can stop using the steroids.

I've been working hard at cleaning up the house during the past two weeks that Andy's gran has been away. They'll be back on Sunday but I'm not really looking forward to it because Mathew gets to me. I didn't realise how nervous he made me until they were gone and I noticed that I was more relaxed.

Yesterday Andy's mom said something that got me upset all over again. The whole issue about me 'not doing anything around the house' was raised by her again. This is a long story but basically it comes down to Andy's family thinking I'm lazy because I haven't really been doing anything around the house since I came here.

This is a difficult issue for me and although I did suffer from jet lag and I had to adjust to the climate and then I became ill, it never had anything to do with me being lazy. The first time this was brought under my attention, I was really shocked and almost disgusted by the way they had been going about talking behind my back. I was raised differently in that aspect, I suppose. If you haven't discussed something with someone first, don't even dare talk about the issue about that person with me because that person has a right to know first. I don't go about talking about people behind their backs and if I have something to say, I say it, which caused people over here to regard me as being too abrupt. I don't care though.

I was raised to respect people, and with that also their way of life and their belongings. When I came to live here, it was difficult for me to 'place myself' and I was scared. It wasn't my house and I tried to do things the way I would have in SA, but even these people and their culture differ from us. For example, I would feel offended if someone came to live in my house and change or clean certain things in their own way. It gives you that feeling of 'not being good enough' for this person. That was my issue when I came here to be honest. I was so afraid that I might offend anyone that it seemed easier to just back away. Trying to make people understand this isn't easy though and I'm really upset about the fact that even Andy's mom never told me the truth about how his gran felt, not until yesterday that is. It is only AFTER I started doing things out of my own, mostly because I felt comfortable with no one being around, that she told me. I have to admit that I didn't really have the energy to do the things I have been doing lately when I first came here, but now I'm scared of how I'm going to keep doing things once his gran is back and everything is back to normal. I'm going to feel uncomfortable, that's just the way I am.

Second thoughts

I'm not even really in the mood to be typing here. I haven't slept all night and I'm depressed and sad. Everything is finally getting to me end I don't have the wiilpower to stop it any longer because I am just not happy.

I can go on for ages and explain how I'm feeling but I really can't be bothered anymore. As I'm mainly keeping this blog to keep record of everything as far as my shildren are concerned, I don't see the point in even complaining about it anymore.

Im just fed up to be honest.

On Saturday Dolf answered the phone and told me that Lili didn't want to speak to me. It was strange because I actually gave my parents time to phone her first, so I phoned them and asked if they remembered to phone her and my dad told me that Dolf kept ignoring their phone calls. He tried phoning again then from another number and Elsabe told my mom that Lili didn't want to speak to them either.

Last night I phoned again and Elsabe told me again that Lili didn't want to speak to me. I just put the phone down without saying a word. I phoned my dad and asked him to phone and he was told the same by Dolf.

Not much I can do about it except just send another email to the social worker. It's just frustrating because she isn't doing much to help me either and I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to see Lili when I go back.

I also told my dad the truth about Xaynee's paternity, but he seems to think that I'm lying about it. He's actually convinced that Johan is her father. Doesn't matter I guess.

Nothing really does.

My oldest brother finally contacted me after more than a year, which is about the only thing that I'm glad about at the moment.

The new immunosupressants the specialist has put me on is causing me to feel like shit, but at least I've got rid of most of the water retention and I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore.

I have finally come to realize that I am really unhappy. Andy and I have been slowly drifting apart and even though I know that he means well and probably does love me, I am starting to doubt that this is going to work out. He is on the computer most of the time when he;s at home, either playing games or doing something else, while I have started to turn my focus to just cleaning the house and doing ironing or watching movies...anything to keep myself busy. I've never felt so alone. He doesn't read my blog anymore either, so I really don't care care what I write in here and even if he does...at least I;m being honest.

The sadness is slowly tearing me apart, but I refuse to cry. Somehow I've found a way to supress all the physical and emotional pain I feel and I choose not to give in to the hurt and pain that goes along with giving in to tears. I just don't think I'll be able to pull through it. Not alone.

My dad sent me these two photos the other day after he got his computer working again, it made me smile for a while at least to see my two little girls when they were still so small.

The one of Xaynee (below) was taken when she was only about a year old and the one of Lili on the right was taken by my dad when she was three years old. It is his favourite picture of her because she was so angry. On the photo she has stones in her hand and the angry look was because my mom told her to throw the stones away before she could get back into the car.




Well, it's 5:30 am now and i'm finally getting tired. I'm actually suprised that I managed to finish this to be honest. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up.

Been busy lately

I haven't been posting alot lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things for various reasons. Firstly, I thought that if I became more active in dong other things I would be less depressed, and it did help but I couldn't cope. The hepatitis got to me again and I started experiencing water retention that was so bad that I have trouble walking now. I even went to A&E on Monday because the specialist who is treating me wasn't on the island. The doctor on the hospital only gave me tablets to help for the water retention but it didn't help at all so Andy's mom phoned the specialist today and he said the water retention is being caused by the fact that I am on such a high dose of steroids, but that I should stop using the water retention tablets because it is only causing strain on my kidneys. According to him, I just need to lie down and put my feet up. I'm not very happy about that because I don't want to stay in bed, it's only making me depressed because I have too much time to think, but I have an appointment with him on Friday so we'll see what happens then.

I got to speak to Lili on Monday, although she sounded ok, I can still pick up on her being very uncomfortable and I'm getting a bit worried about that. She really does sound excited to see me in September and that makes me happy. What I'm even more worried about is that I sent the social worker an email after I couldn't speak to Lili on Saturday and I told her that I'm really getting worried about Lili. She replied that Dolf didn't show up for their appointment and that he didn't phone with an excuse either. She is having difficulty getting hold of them now. This really doesn't sound good, and September is getting close.

I should try and phone Xaynee, I suppose. I am just having difficulty doing it lately because it makes me so sad to talk to her and not know how much of what I say she actually understands. I also don't want to upset her, but I'm going to phone tomorrow.

Lately I've caught myself feeling guilty about things again that I know isn't really my fault. I feel guilty even for being in Andy's life. He doesn't have to put up with me being ill most of the time and having all this trouble with my children and everything. I think it's got something to do with my dad saying to me that I'm costing Andy alot of money, and to be honest...it's true. That's another reason I haven't been phoning Xaynee, because I feel guilty about the cost of the phone calls to SA. I really hate feeling like this, and what makes it worse is knowing that even if I was allowed to work over here I probably wouldn't have managed with my illness making every second day a living hell for me.

There are times I wish I could explain to someone what I feel like, but I doubt I'll be able to and anyway....there's just no point in trying to.

Looking for a way...

This song describes so much of what I went through when I came here.

I'm not homesick, I'm just sad.

I translated this song for Andy before we met, didn't know back then what was going to happen or what it would feel like sitting thousands of miles away from my children and the place that I called 'home' for 25 years. It is unfortunately an afrikaans song, but some of these words are just so spot on with the description of what happened.

"Ek het jou dopgehou, met 'n jas in jou hand
Deur doeane gespook, na 'n nuwe land
Jou oe was natgehuil, maar jou hart was braaf"

It's strange, seeing the words and having these memories. I didn't have an easy time going through customs, after not being allowed on the plane the first time and then they had a problem with the fact that it was my first trip to the UK and the UK immigration rules are very strict.
I even had a coat with me, makes me smile. It was still hot in SA when I left, but I knew it would be cold over here so I took the coat with me on the plane. My sister-in-law actually gave it to me, she worked in England a long time ago and she told me that I would need it.
I didn't cry until I got on the plane, not even when my dad bought me a P.S. chocolate bar (I still have it) with the words "Ek is lief vir jou.", my dad later told me how proud he is of me for being so brave.
I didn't realize what he meant at first, but thinking about it now, I must have been brave. I left my country, my family, my children, and everything I had behind and I got on a plane and left to start a new life on an island I never even heard of until 2 years earlier. For someone like me that was a big accomplishment, after all, I hadn't made any of my own decisions for quite some time. The only thing that I was sure of was that I had someone who loved me who was waiting for me in England on Heathrow airport.

I wonder sometimes what the real story behind this song was.

Andy and I ofcourse hadn't seen each other for 6 weeks by the time I got to England. During that time this song reminded me of the time we took him to Brooklyn Mall and of how much fun we had together. He also wrote me a letter the night before he left, he had hidden it in my handbag. I still have it.

"Vir die eerste maand was my hart verniel
Oral waar ek kom is ek 'n derde wiel
Maar die tyd sal leer was ons woorde
Ek het jou lief, was jou brief
Jy's 'n poet my ding
Jy moet aanhou sing
Deur die internet praat ons gou-gou weer"

It actually used to hurt, and I mean HURT, whenever we used to speak over Skype or on the phone. I used to listen to this:



(not the original video) Far Away - Nickleback

...and it made me cry. I could hear his voice inside my head...singing this song to me, the way he used to. He's got an amazing voice and I used to stare at him whenever he sang anything to me, it took my breath away.

This song also had a very special meaning to us because of the way we kept loving each other even after we broke up the first time.

It was as though the words were especially written for us.

I'm just looking for a way to stay positive I guess. I've been crying so much tonight and I'm looking for something to hold on to because Andy is at work and his gran and Mathew left for America this morning, so I'm a bit lonely.

I tried to phone Lili earlier...

Elsabe told me she didn't want to talk to me. I didn't want to believe it, so I said to Elsabe I want to hear Lili say it, so I heard Lili say in the background that she didn't want to talk to me...



It hurt so much, but there was nothing I could do so I told Elsabe to tell Lili that I'll phone again on Monday.

I guess Dolf finally did it.

Not sure how to stay positive anymore. There's just nothing positive to see in the fact that my own daughter don't want to speak to me.

Still, I won't give up. I'll just have to hang on to the hope that one day she will understand.

I won't allow them to destroy me, I've come too far for that and I have a wonderful man to hold on to, I owe him my life and my love.



We waited for what seemed like a lifetime to be together and he may not be perfect, and neither am I, but he makes me smile. He's the one who gives me back my strength every time I want to give up and he's the one who keeps me safe.

Love is something you can't describe. It's like a soft breeze that makes your spirit fly, gentle enough not to remove you from what is important to you, it will not hurt you. Yet, it's strong and steady enough, like a rock, when you need something to hold on to when your days are filled with rain and thunderstorms. It won't let you down...and it never forgets.



I may cry a million tears, sometimes I don't and I just let the river of pain run through me...but it won't take away the love I feel in my heart for my two angel girls....

I just don't get it!

Well, it's the same old story...

Tried to phone Lili NINE TIMES on all of her father's different numbers and they wouldn't answer it. It's strange that when I phone Elsabe's number that they do actually ignore the phone call, but on his cell and the house phone they just don't answer.

Am I stupid or something here? Coz I just don't get why they don't want me to speak to my daughter. I never did that to him, so what is he trying to accomplish? Everything was fine when I spoke to Lili on Monday, she sounded ok and now I'm just worried and sad all over again.

Not a good time for that either to be honest.

At least I got hold of Xaynee earlier and I can hear that she really misses me. She sounded so sad, I could hear it in her voice and it just made me feel even worse. She needs me.

I just don't know. Things are just getting worse by the day now and I suspect that it may be my fault. When Andy came home this afternoon, he spent his time playing WOW on the PC. We don't get to spend much time together anymore because he had to go back to work at around 17:00. I was upset but kept it to myself and went to sleep after I posted my earlier entry from my phone.

I wish I could make everything right again. He doesn't really know how to handle the fact that it hurts me so much that I can't be with my children, but when I try to explain it to him it's like talking to a brick wall. I just don't get through to him. There were times while we were still just chatting, before we actually met, that I did pick up that he tends to do this but he usually got back to being himself again in a few days. It's not getting better though and neither am I.

I'm not even sure if I'm angry or surprised about the fact that Solf wouldn't let me speak to Lili, nothing surprises me anymore. I refuse to get depressed though, I'd rather not feel anything than sit and feel sorry for myself.

I was worried about it that I'm turning into this cold person again and I remembered that it's been days since I last cried. So I thought if I watched the video I made for my kiddiez, then just maybe I'll feel something. I didn't and I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

Andy doesn't deserve this really. He's always been there for me and gave me everything he could, how can I do this to him? I don't want to, but I don't know how to change the way I feel.

Useless info about my day lol

I was feeling a bit better today, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I had the chance to speak to Lili last night. Although it makes me sad that I can't be with her, it always makes me happy to hear her little voice. I am trying not to let it bother me as much that she always seems to be uncomfortable and I pretend to take no notice because I think that makes it easier for her as well. I promised her that I will try to convince the social worker to allow for me and Andy to take her away for a short holiday, even if it's only a few days. She sounded so excited and she said she can speak a bit of english now. Now I only have to start teaching Andy some more Afrikaans. I haven't been able to bring myself to try to phone Xaynee again though. I do feel guilty, but it hurts so much to just think that I will probably not be able to talk to her if I do try to phone. I know I will bring myself to do phone eventually, maybe in a day or two. Today I went to the shops with FMIL and it turned out to be more fun than I expected it to be, we even forgot to pick up Andy lol ...It was also nice and warm today. For the first time I could actually smell the sea air as we were driving next to the beach and I can't wait for us to start going down to the beach. I really wouldn't trade this for the world, I just wish I could share it with my children and my parents.

Weekend happenings

I decided to go with Andy to his work on Saturday because I felt I had to get out of the house for a bit. I'm still having a really difficult time getting used to the people over here, so I just did what I usually do and sat at a table doing some writing.

It doesn't really bother me to be on my own and I actually prefer it that way, for the moment at least. I had to phone Lili at 20:00 though, but the shop at the garage didn't sell my network provider's airtime credit, so I had to phone from the payphone. I kinda lost it when they didn't pick up the phone and the answering machine came on, because I had 2 pounds credit and lost it all. I haven't lost my temper like that for a very long time. I grabbed my handbag and stormed off down the road, I didn't get far before I just sat down and cried.

I felt angry at everyone, even Andy. Sometimes I wonder where he gets the strength to put up with my mood swings, he just seems to forget about it and he never brings it up again afterwards. As I was sitting there, I couldn't believe that I was so negative at that moment, while just an hour before, I was writing about how positive I was feeling. I also knew that I was probably overreacting, but I felt so powerless and lonely.

I was trying to justify what I had just done, so I blamed Andy for just assuming that I was supposed to know how the phone works, same as he is assuming that I am supposed to know how everything else around here works. No one has to tell me how childish that sounds, and that is exactly where my problem of expressing myself comes in.

I was not only angry about the fact that I couldn't speak to my daughter (I refused to use more money), I was also angry because I know exactly what her father is telling her and I am completely powerless to prevent it. He is the type who will use one phone call that I skipped, like this one, to prove in court that I didn't really care about phoning. There is no way I can prove that I had just spent more than R30 in their currency to make a phone call which they didn't answer. Although I have been phoning from the house phone since Elsabe said that I am always phoning from a different number (a ridiculous statement, I mean how many people do they know who phone from the UK?), it just isn't always possible for me to be at home. I never get out and the ONE time I did, this happens. I phoned their house phone because it was a different number I was now calling from and I didn't want them to be able to use the same excuse again as Elsabe did before by the number showing on Dolf's cell. This is just one small incident, but they always find a way to manipulate it in their favour by making it so damn complicated.

As far as me not wanting to spend more money to make another phone call goes, even though Andy told me to, that is another issue. I'm still making the mistake of converting everything into Rand value. Due to the fact that I was living in circumstances which the average South African would judge as 'poor' ever since I met and moved in with Johan, money tends to scare me. Even though I was brought up in a normal, middle-class home, I grew accustomed to not having money and that is what is making it really difficult for me here. It may seem like a small issue to most, but it influenced my life a whole lot more than I realized at first.

I actually tried to post this yesterday, but had to save a draft because I was feeling really ill for some reason so I went back to bed. Later the afternoon I phoned Johan so I could speak to Xaynee and again he said she was asleep. I wasn't feeling very well and for the first time I really got angry at him. He's got this irritating habit of not listening to people properly which forces you to repeat yourself to him, so when I asked him when I could call then because he always has an excuse that Xaynee is either not with him or asleep, and he told me to repeat myself, I flipped. I shouted exactly the same as what I had said earlier over the phone, I was stupid and should've known what he was trying to do, because that was when he put the phone down on me. It took me a while to calm down after that.

I know I should never have allowed myself to get angry, he doesn't deserve my anger. The thing that really set me off was the fact that I didn't speak to Lili the previous day either and I wasn't feeling very well either. It's small things and I shouldn't allow for it to upset me this much, but it just goes on and on and on...

Sometimes I wonder what is going through Andy's head when he sees me like that, or when I take it out on him and it really isn't his fault. He's never blamed me or even brought anything up afterwards. I asked him about it and he just said that life is too short to hold grudges. A simple and very old saying, but I guess that sums it up. Whenever I'm upset he just gives me a hug and tell me it'll be alright.

There is nothing special about our relationship, it's just a normal relationship with ups and (sometimes terrible) downs, but that is exactly what makes it different for me. Having gone through two abusive relationships, I didn't know what 'normal' was and what I was used to is what I grew accustomed to as being normal in any relationship. It's almost sad when I look back at it now, the way I found it difficult to trust Andy when we met on the chat site even though he never lied and was just being himself, he just seemed too perfect. Normal was too good to be true for me and I didn't want to trust him or anyone else, I knew what I had to do and how to act and what to say with Johan to keep him from getting angry. Or so I thought, but I was wrong in so many ways.

I found it strange at first when people used to comment and say that they didn't know how I could cope. Maybe it was because I didn't know either, so I took some time this weekend to think about it and I came to a few very interesting conclusions which I will post about later.

I do appreciate every comment and I have received more support than I expected to be honest. When I started my blog I never even meant to read other blogs or planned on keeping track of other people's blogs, but I find myself doing it every day now. In fact, I never expected that anyone would read my blog because to me my story and my thoughts just don't hold any significance. I want to thank the following people though:

• Emil Jung
• Sting
• Wipneus

These people have each in their own way proven to me that there are more to life than what I thought when I first started blogging and as long as there are people like them around, it gives me enough reason to overcome my obstacles and keep fighting not only for what I believe in, but also for what is right.

Thoughts on walls

I really am starting to get the idea that I have way too much time on my hands.

At least I spoke to both my children today, so I have no reason to feel depressed or sad. Johan is still going on about getting maintenance out of me, I have learned to not get upset about it. It's better to just take things one step at a time.

Lili seemed more like her normal self tonight and it was good to hear her laugh. That's all I really want, for my children to be happy.

My head's a mess though and I wish I knew how to sort myself out. I've been thinking alot about how my relationship with Johan used to be and I think that is what is getting to me. Can't really stop myself from thinking, the thoughts just comes into my head.

I still have so much anger inside me and I should really find a way to deal with it.

I always used to say that I just want to be the girl I used to be before he came into my life. Guess that won't be possible though. Too much has happened and it changed me in more ways than I thought. I don't like the things I used to like any more and I don't have the self-confidence and self-motivation that I used to have. Very few things excite me and I have a very difficult time focusing on finishing something.

It's as if these bad memories keep creeping into my head, absorbing all that is positive and destroying it in the process. You see, telling my story the way I am doing right now in all the different parts was like telling you about a tree, it's name, where it's growing and about all of it's surroundings. I may have mentioned some major storms and cold winters that this tree had to grow through, but it's the little things that I did not mention which really made that tree what it is. It's the deliberate deprivation of water, which that tree found so essential, and the breaking of it's small branches...the ones no one ever noticed which made that tree weep whenever it rained, because it was too proud to allow people to see what it has become.

There are so many small things that people just don't understand and I've never been good at expressing myself, so sometimes I just feel like I'm talking to a wall. Walls generally don't talk back, unless you've either got a very active imagination or are psychologically a bit over the edge. I just can't see myself talking to people if I can't make them understand the way I feel. People just don't see things the way I see things, never have, never will.

Just a few notes

I need to sleep. I should be really. I just can't because I can't stop thinking. I tried to phone Xaynee and a woman answered the phone. As I am, I was friendly and asked her if I could speak to Xaynee. I don't know who she is but she was rude and told me I will have to phone back later because Xaynee is not with them. I asked what time and she replied that I could phone tomorrow morning. I don't know what to think and I am not in the right state of mind to even comment. I phoned the social worker about Lili, she took a note and later emailed me and told me that Dolf couldn't make it for the appointment with her and told me to keep her up to date. I did manage to speak to Lili, but I am really worried. She is ill, but she wasn't herself either. My mom phoned after me and noted the same thing, so I know that I am definately not paranoid. It has been a bad day for me and I feel guilty because I am taking it out on Andy, and he's only trying to help. I know that it's the lack of sleep that's causing me to feel like this but I just have too much on my mind and the steroids ain't really helping. I am trying really hard to stay strong but it gets to me sometimes. I won't give up though. I can't, I got this far and giving up would be a rather stupid thing to do.

My View: Parental Alienation and the South African Law

I tried to phone Xaynee yesterday.

When Johan answered the phone, he was immediately on the attack. I could hardly get a word in as he was going on about how rude it was of me to put down the phone on him the other day. I interrupted him and asked if I could please speak to Xaynee, so he told me "No, you can't."

I just said "Ok.", then I put down the phone and continued with the ironing. Then I thought, well, ok then...just another thing I am going to make a note of, but I wanted to know WHY I couldn't speak to her.

I phoned him again and again he was shouting at me, again I interrupted and asked him for a reason. He replied that it was because I was rude to him and started going on about the fact that I'm not giving him any money for her, I just put the phone down on him again.

I'm sorry, I just don't need that treatment any longer. I don't HAVE to talk to him, I only want to speak to my child.

After that I started chatting with my dad on MSN. Yeah... I decided that it's better to make peace with my parents, although they don't offer me the kind of support that I really need, at least they want me to be happy.

Exactly 20:00 SA time I phoned Dolf's cellphone to speak to Lili. It was off.
Tried again, off.
So I tried phoning the house phone, twice, no answer.
I was getting worked up, I realized I wasn't going to talk to Lili, again.
Then I phoned her stepmom's number, here they kept pressing the 'ignore' button or something because I got the same message 3 times that "The other person has cleared."
I tried phoning the other numbers again and finally gave up.

I got back on MSN and my dad said that he will try to phone from his number.

This was between 20:15 and 20:30.

After a while my dad came back and told me that my mom phoned from one of his other cellphone numbers.

Dolf's mother picked up the phone and told my mom that Dolf and Elsabe were visiting them for the weekend, but that Lili was already asleep and that Dolf said my mom can phone on Monday at 20:00. So my mom asked if she couldn't just phone the next day (which is today), and Dolf's mom replied that Dolf is refusing that Lili be bothered during a weekend. She also made the following comments to my mom: "You phone from strange numbers hey?" and "There is a new agreement between Renata and Dolf's attorney now".

To be honest, this type of thing doesn't even surprise me anymore.

My dad said to me that he's sure Lili knows what they're doing, but she can't do anything about it. That made me feel better, I remember how Lili told me that she knew and I mentioned it to my dad. I also explained to him that I am going to sue Dolf for the total amount of the maintenance that he is in arrears with.

I also told my dad that there is no agreement with an attorney and that I'm only working through the social worker, because mediation is her work.

I just need to ask my dad which number he phoned Elsabe's phone from. This time I'm making notes of every damn thing. I am not going to let them get away with doing this. In my point of view, all they care about is THEM, not Lili. Their actions are out of spite, not caring. I'm kind of getting the feeling that they are starting to panic, but I may be imagining things.

I know I'm young and I still have so much to learn about life, but I also know that I have expererience in alot of things, like judging people. I have worked with many different kinds of people in my work and I gained knowledge through my experiences. I is still shocking to see how downright stupid some people can be though.

By answering that phone call from my dad, after ignoring my phone calls, they just proved how stupid they really are. I don't believe Lili was asleep, but if they didn't lie, they would also have admitted to deliberately refusing me to have contact with her. These are just my thoughts on it, and I might be wrong because I am sad, but it makes me angry that South Africa has a system which allows parents to actually do this to their children, despite the fact that there are actually laws that is supposed to prevent it.

Laws like:

General Law Further Amendment Act, No 93 of 1962 Section One provides criminal sanctions for a parent who fails to comply with an order of court relating to access to children: “(1) Any parent having custody of his or her minor child in terms of an order of court, who contrary to such order and without reasonable cause, refuses the child’s other parent access to such child or prevents such other parent from having such access, shall be guilty of an offence and liable on conviction to a fine or to imprisonment for a period not exceeding one year or to such imprisonment without the option of a fine.”

Mediation services seems to be governing the law and there is nothing I can do about it, except make another phone call on Monday morning to the social worker and tell her about this.

As I mentioned earlier, I think they are getting paranoid. I kept staying one step ahead of them and they didn't expect that. Like when they moved to Bloemfontein, they didn't expect me to find out about it OR find out what their telephone number is etc. In the end my constant emails to the Department of Social Development and my complaints paid off, because that kept me that one step ahead. Dolf didn't expect me to contact a social worker either, that explains his phone call to me the day he phoned and shouted at me for "...putting the welfare on his case...".

Now, I don't know much about the law and the way I see things might not even be right, but I was never planning on letting this go. I am a mother and I love my child, it's natural to only want the best for her. In SA I didn't have access to the information on the internet the way I do now and even now that I do, it is shocking to see that most sites are focused on children being kept away from fathers, not mothers. Make no mistake, it helped me to gain alot of information about the issue and I really sympathize with these fathers as Andy is in the same type of situation.

In South Africa I did apply for legal aid, I never got any. After a while it felt like either you need the money to fight the system, or you have to be like Dolf and Johan (and their families), and be able to manipulate the people in the right places.

I did not have the money, and I am not manipulative. So the system allow the WRONG people to get away with the RIGHT things. You can't blame the system though, so how do you solve something like this?

I know now that (from what I can understand anyway), I still have custody. Dolf's problem is that he wants custody, because he wants maintenance. The Children's Court could only place Lili in his foster care, they didn't grant him any money and knowing him, I think he expected them to. The Children's Court can only place a child in foster care for a period of two years, after which the matter has to go back to court. During the two years, mediation services are supposed to monitor the situation and IDEALLY try to place the child in the parent's care who has custody. If this is not in the best interest of the child, the matter will go back to court EVERY to years, unless custody is granted to the other parent by the High Court, so for Dolf to get custody though, he will have to go to the High Court.

That is a problem for him. He doesn't have the money and trying to get custody in a court of law can get quite expensive. I know by this time that if I couldn't even get legal aid, he sure as hell won't. Not for custody.

What really bugs the living shit out of me though is all the questions I have. Questions that, if you don't have the right attorney (when I think in terms of an attorney, I panic because I know they are expensive), you will never have answered. If you ask the social worker, they only talk your question away or simply say "Yeah... but you see, we don't really work with the law..." and then they start explaining to you that they only have to look at what is best for the child blah.. blah..

I also mentioned to my dad then that the social worker on Xaynee's case said it's ok that Johan won't allow me to speak to her and that I am going to report her. I contacted the SACSSP during the week and they sent me the forms, but I first have to complain to the social worker's organisation she is working for's head office. I tried to contact them on Friday, but there was no answer, so I'll do it tomorrow.

Ah well... That's it from me for today.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :o)