It was the most terrible 6 weeks of my life. Not only did I miss Andy, but Johan started taking control over me again to such a degree that it almost made me decide to stay there.
I was torn between knowing that I will have to leave my children behind and wanting to get away, not just to be with Andy, but also to get away from Johan. With every day that passed, my life turned into more of a complete hell and I had to pretend in front of Johan as if nothing was wrong. Somehow he had a feeling that something wasn't right though and that made his behaviour even worse at times.
I didn't want to risk telling him the truth about my plans, in a way I wasn't only afraid that he might get violent, but he also threatened me with Xaynee. I was also afraid that he might convince me to stay by manipulating me and intimidating me, today I'm almost sure I would've stayed if I told him.
I hated him, but he still convinced himself that I loved him and maybe that was my own fault. It was during this time that he contacted the social worker who is now working on Xaynee's case and asked her for her help. To keep him happy, I went to the first appointment and there he told the social worker that I'd met someone from the UK on chat (he never knew that I did in fact meet Andy while he was in SA, though I suspect he did), that I was unhappy, but that he wanted to work things out. I asked to speak to the social worker alone and then told her about Johan's obsession with me and that I was afraid of him. I told her that I didn't want to go back and that I was planning on leaving for the UK as soon as I get my passport. She seemed to understand and even stalled time for me by booking appointments weeks ahead to see me and she told Johan that I needed time. She then told me to write down my life story so she can help me deal with my problems. I did, but I only saw her twice after that and she didn't help me in any way.
Throughout this whole period, Johan used various manipulative tactics on me. To be honest, I've put off writing this part of my story for a while now because I wasn't sure about how much of what really happened I should mention, but at this stage I think I really need to deal with it, so I will go into most of the detail.
Johan had a way of making me feel guilty very easily. It therefore didn't take much of him to convince me into giving him what he wanted. He only really ever cared about what he wanted and needed, nothing else mattered.
He'd convince me to still do work for him (and with him) by telling me that he was on his own and that he had Xaynee to support etc. That made me feel guilty and I did whatever he asked, not for him, but for Xaynee. He never paid me, though I do remember that he gave me money once or twice, only to borrow it again at a later stage.
This frustrated me and he knew it. He used to take me out for lunch, but complain about money. It was ofcourse only a way of getting to spend time with me, which I didn't really want to do. It started getting worse when he tried to convince me to spend the weekend at the house because his kids were there. I didn't want to do it and after a fight on the Friday night that I spent there with them he finally took me home at 1 a.m. the morning.
The worst part of it all was the fact that he wanted sex. He actually told me that he would give me part of the profit he made if I agreed to sex, I cringed at the thought of having sex with him after being with Andy and I somehow talked my way out of it. I couldn't do that for long though, as he was getting suspicious and that was the last thing I wanted, I was scared, but I didn't want to give up seeing Xaynee until I leave.
One night Johan took me out to dinner and after a while I realized that the alcohol was really getting to me. In the car on the way home I fell asleep and when I woke up, the car was standing still and Johan had undressed me and was taking photos of me. He was already touching me and I knew that there was no way out, that if I tried to fight him he would get suspicious and probably hurt me. I wanted to die and when I got back home I told Andy everything, he deserved to know, but I couldn't take it anymore.
After this it only became worse. He knew he got what he wanted once and he knew that my fear would make me submit to do it again, I know that there were more incidents but somehow I managed to block most of it out. It was the only way I knew and still know of keeping myself sane. I'm still not sure what was really going on in his head. He used to say that I wouldn't give him sex if I didn't feel anything for him, while I actually did, but out of fear and nothing else. This fear wasn't just of being physically hurt by him, for the most part of it, it was about Xaynee. I don't really understand how he works things out in his head, but I'm convinced that he knew I wasn't doing it willingly and that he also knew that he had the power to control me.
I managed to get through this and I saw Xaynee the last time on the day before I left South Africa. I was meant to leave on the Saturday, but the airline didn't want to allow me on the plane due to some immigration rules. We had to book another flight for the Sunday night and as I was walking towards the plane, after I said goodbye to my parents, I sent Johan an sms in which I told him that I was leaving but I didn't tell him where I was going. I also asked him not to contact my parents.
As I was sitting on the plane, it all felt unreal and as the plane was lifting off, I knew my new life had just began. No more fear.
Showing posts with label My Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Story. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
My Story Part Twelve
After we took Lili back, me and my parents visited family in Prieska. We used to live there while I was a little girl and my dad's family is from there.
I had alot of time to think during that week and it was then that I also decided that I needed to get my life sorted out. I knew things were never going to work out with Johan and that I had no future with him. I knew that I could never love him. I sometimes hated him for the way he treated me and I continuously blamed him for the fact that Lili was taken out of my care.
Andy and I continued our relationship via the internet and although it wasn't always easy, we both wanted the same thing in the end. A relationship like that is different in so many ways, and looking back at it now, I think that is exactly what gave me the strength go get through everything. It does depend on compatibility ofcourse, but somehow Andy and I understood each other.
I trusted him completely, which is something that I am not normally capable of doing. I told him everything. My phone was with me 24/7 and it actually irritated people like my parents (and sometimes Johan, but strangely enough he didn't seem to care so much). I learned how to literally multi-task and Andy knew about every detail of my day as it was happening. I knew the same about his, and this is also how he knew about the way Johan had been treating me. Andy explained to me that it wasn't normal (by that time I was really getting worried about myself) and he opened my eyes about what was really going on.
This is the sad thing about abusive relationships. People tend to think it's all about the physical abuse and that is where they are so wrong. I realized then that I was being emotionally abused on a daily basis. All the signs were there all along, but I was always looking for the fault within myself. I didn't even love Johan and I sometimes had the courage to tell him that (although I didn't realize it, he did make me pay for every time I 'hurt' him by saying that), but I couldn't get out. He knew it and he loved it. He knew he had total control over my whole life and that there was nothing I could do to change that.
If it hadn't been for Andy who slowly made me believe in myself again, I doubt I would've been able to make it through. He finally decided to come to South Africa for no other reason than to help me get away. It made me more nervous than excited. I was scared.
As I mentioned in another part, we were sharing a house with friends who also had a baby. We couldn't afford our own place to stay and that is why we shared. I think that helped in a way because it distracted Johan. His parents now had foster care of his children and we had Xaynee with us. We lived on a smallholding 40km north of Pretoria, and the owner liked Johan. Things didn't go well with the friends-sharing-house business though. They had just as much relationship trouble and the girl, who was only 21 was not only drinking alot (they both did), but she sometimes totally lost control. She one night attacked Johan and I think that although I then started objecting to having her there, I also understood her behaviour. I saw myself in her, although I had more self-control (well, most of the times), and her behaviour was due to the frustration locked up inside of her from being emotionally abused. They finally moved out shortly before Andy came to South Africa.
I started planning on leaving. I was really scared and it took alot of reassurance for Andy that everything would be fine. I had so many mixed emotions about what I knew I was about to do and knowing that I was going to have to leave Xaynee behind with Johan made it worse. I just couldn't take it anymore and I kept looking for reasons to justify my actions.
As the days went by, I couldn't find the courage to tell my parents that Andy was coming. I thought they were going to think that I'm crazy for falling in love with someone I met on a chat site and who I never met. I started hinting at it with my mom a few days before Andy arrived and the night before he arrived, I sms'd her and told her about my plans.
I mentioned in an earlier post that Johan then found the sms's on my phone and how he reacted, but once I was at my parents' house, I knew everything would be fine.
We spent the most magical two weeks together and my parents loved Andy.
Some days we just stayed in the hotel and talked for hours, but we also went to Warmbaths and we showed him around Pretoria. We spent alot of time with my parents and I knew that I had met the person I want to spend my life with when my dad said to Andy one night "I want to thank you for making Renata laugh again".
I applied for my passport and after Andy left on 24 January, not only the waiting, but also more trouble started with Johan.
I never went back home, but Johan wasn't about to let me go.
I had alot of time to think during that week and it was then that I also decided that I needed to get my life sorted out. I knew things were never going to work out with Johan and that I had no future with him. I knew that I could never love him. I sometimes hated him for the way he treated me and I continuously blamed him for the fact that Lili was taken out of my care.
Andy and I continued our relationship via the internet and although it wasn't always easy, we both wanted the same thing in the end. A relationship like that is different in so many ways, and looking back at it now, I think that is exactly what gave me the strength go get through everything. It does depend on compatibility ofcourse, but somehow Andy and I understood each other.
I trusted him completely, which is something that I am not normally capable of doing. I told him everything. My phone was with me 24/7 and it actually irritated people like my parents (and sometimes Johan, but strangely enough he didn't seem to care so much). I learned how to literally multi-task and Andy knew about every detail of my day as it was happening. I knew the same about his, and this is also how he knew about the way Johan had been treating me. Andy explained to me that it wasn't normal (by that time I was really getting worried about myself) and he opened my eyes about what was really going on.
This is the sad thing about abusive relationships. People tend to think it's all about the physical abuse and that is where they are so wrong. I realized then that I was being emotionally abused on a daily basis. All the signs were there all along, but I was always looking for the fault within myself. I didn't even love Johan and I sometimes had the courage to tell him that (although I didn't realize it, he did make me pay for every time I 'hurt' him by saying that), but I couldn't get out. He knew it and he loved it. He knew he had total control over my whole life and that there was nothing I could do to change that.
If it hadn't been for Andy who slowly made me believe in myself again, I doubt I would've been able to make it through. He finally decided to come to South Africa for no other reason than to help me get away. It made me more nervous than excited. I was scared.
As I mentioned in another part, we were sharing a house with friends who also had a baby. We couldn't afford our own place to stay and that is why we shared. I think that helped in a way because it distracted Johan. His parents now had foster care of his children and we had Xaynee with us. We lived on a smallholding 40km north of Pretoria, and the owner liked Johan. Things didn't go well with the friends-sharing-house business though. They had just as much relationship trouble and the girl, who was only 21 was not only drinking alot (they both did), but she sometimes totally lost control. She one night attacked Johan and I think that although I then started objecting to having her there, I also understood her behaviour. I saw myself in her, although I had more self-control (well, most of the times), and her behaviour was due to the frustration locked up inside of her from being emotionally abused. They finally moved out shortly before Andy came to South Africa.
I started planning on leaving. I was really scared and it took alot of reassurance for Andy that everything would be fine. I had so many mixed emotions about what I knew I was about to do and knowing that I was going to have to leave Xaynee behind with Johan made it worse. I just couldn't take it anymore and I kept looking for reasons to justify my actions.
As the days went by, I couldn't find the courage to tell my parents that Andy was coming. I thought they were going to think that I'm crazy for falling in love with someone I met on a chat site and who I never met. I started hinting at it with my mom a few days before Andy arrived and the night before he arrived, I sms'd her and told her about my plans.
I mentioned in an earlier post that Johan then found the sms's on my phone and how he reacted, but once I was at my parents' house, I knew everything would be fine.
We spent the most magical two weeks together and my parents loved Andy.
Some days we just stayed in the hotel and talked for hours, but we also went to Warmbaths and we showed him around Pretoria. We spent alot of time with my parents and I knew that I had met the person I want to spend my life with when my dad said to Andy one night "I want to thank you for making Renata laugh again".
I applied for my passport and after Andy left on 24 January, not only the waiting, but also more trouble started with Johan.
I never went back home, but Johan wasn't about to let me go.
Friday, May 30, 2008
My Story Part Eleven
At that point I lost most of my will to live. I was trapped again in my relationship with Johan and just thinking about Lili made me cry. I shut myself off completely and I was chatting alot on my phone, I tried not to think.
Then the most unexpected thing happened.
It was late one night, early morning. I was just going through the online list on a mobile chat site where I had been for a couple of weeks. I recognized the last name on the list...it was Andy. My heart skipped a beat, but I immediately remembered our break-up earlier that year and I wasn't sure if I should sent him a message, but I decided to anyway.
What I didn't know at that stage was that Andy had been looking for me for weeks. He had gone to all the mobile sites I used to chat on. A mutual friend told him where I was and he came looking for me. We spent that whole night just chatting and joking and I smiled again for the first time in months, but I was also scared. I still felt hurt by the way he had treated me after our break-up and I could never really understand why he had left me.
Then he explained it to me.
I remembered then how we did at some point make peace, but we both disappeared from chat. I used to keep track of his life by reading his blog entries. This was September 2007 and he told me that he had written a blog entry about us a while after we broke up. Here it is.
He told me that neither of us were ready for our relationship back then, and in a way it made sense. I gave him another chance, but I never expected my dream of being with him one day to come true.
Andy never left me again after that and he supported me through every day. He was always there and he was patient, loving, and understanding.
Lili came to visit me at the end of September and that was also the last time I'd seen her. I stayed with her at my parents' house for that week and I held her little body close to me every night as she fell asleep.
The social worker who handled the case in Pretoria on my part came to 'check up' while Lili was there. She did one interesting thing with Lili that day. She asked her to draw a moon and then she had to say who she wanted to take with her to the moon and place them on the moon. As expected, she said the names of me, her dad, stepmother, all her grandparents, her stepbrother and Xaynee. The social worker then asked her if there was anyone she didn't want on the moon with her and Lili said 'no'.
All of us looked at each other and knew what it meant.
According to the assessment that was performed on her before the Form 4 to take her out of my care was issued, she showed an intense fear of Johan. Yet, she didn't say that she didn't want Johan on the moon.
Then the social worker asked her to draw pictures of everyone. Another strange thing she noted was that only the drawing of herself had hands and feet. I can't remember the drawing of Dolf, but I remember that the social worker pointed out that neither me, nor her stepmother had hands. The social worker took the pictures and said she was going to get them analyzed by a psychologist, but that never happened and this social worker is not working at that organisation any longer.
Another strange thing happened. Lili and I were waiting in the car for my parents when Johan phoned. I spoke to him over the car kit and Lili kept asking me if she could say hello to him, I told her no. Then she said: "Well, I'm going to" and she spoke to Johan, no fear.
Make no mistake, I don't think that Johan was innocent. At that point I started getting suspicious though. Something just didn't seem right. So I asked Lili straight whether she ever said that she was afraid of Johan and she denied it. I explained to her what had happened, but I don't know how much she could really understand. She was only 7 years old.
During that week we did as much as we could together and she followed me around everywhere. She even came to get me out of the toilet in a restaurant when she felt I was taking too long, more than once. I took her ice-skating and I saw so much of myself in my little girl. She, just like me at that same age, almost immediately got it right, so I took her again. It made me happy to see her smile.
She also spent time with Xaynee. It was beautiful to see her help her baby sister while they were playing on a jungle gym and how she protected her so that she wouldn't get hurt by the other children. They looked like two little angels, I couldn't be happier.
I cried with her one night, she told me that she misses us and that she didn't want to go back. I felt helpless, it broke my heart. There was nothing I could do.
The day we went back to Kuruman, we spent the night there. I had to take Lili back the next day. Dolf phoned and when he heard that we were in Kuruman, he demanded that I take her back. We rushed out from the restaurant, afraid that he might turn up.
That night I lay next to her, just stroking her hair. I couldn't sleep.
When Lili saw her dad the next morning she excitedly told him that I took her ice-skating. His words? "That's dangerous."
I hated him more then ever before. Lili just came and sat on my lap, she had her arms around me and I had to fight to hold back my tears.
That was the last time I saw my little girl.
P.S I know I've posted this video before, but I am uploading it again at this point of my story.
Then the most unexpected thing happened.
It was late one night, early morning. I was just going through the online list on a mobile chat site where I had been for a couple of weeks. I recognized the last name on the list...it was Andy. My heart skipped a beat, but I immediately remembered our break-up earlier that year and I wasn't sure if I should sent him a message, but I decided to anyway.
What I didn't know at that stage was that Andy had been looking for me for weeks. He had gone to all the mobile sites I used to chat on. A mutual friend told him where I was and he came looking for me. We spent that whole night just chatting and joking and I smiled again for the first time in months, but I was also scared. I still felt hurt by the way he had treated me after our break-up and I could never really understand why he had left me.
Then he explained it to me.
I remembered then how we did at some point make peace, but we both disappeared from chat. I used to keep track of his life by reading his blog entries. This was September 2007 and he told me that he had written a blog entry about us a while after we broke up. Here it is.
He told me that neither of us were ready for our relationship back then, and in a way it made sense. I gave him another chance, but I never expected my dream of being with him one day to come true.
Andy never left me again after that and he supported me through every day. He was always there and he was patient, loving, and understanding.
Lili came to visit me at the end of September and that was also the last time I'd seen her. I stayed with her at my parents' house for that week and I held her little body close to me every night as she fell asleep.
The social worker who handled the case in Pretoria on my part came to 'check up' while Lili was there. She did one interesting thing with Lili that day. She asked her to draw a moon and then she had to say who she wanted to take with her to the moon and place them on the moon. As expected, she said the names of me, her dad, stepmother, all her grandparents, her stepbrother and Xaynee. The social worker then asked her if there was anyone she didn't want on the moon with her and Lili said 'no'.
All of us looked at each other and knew what it meant.
According to the assessment that was performed on her before the Form 4 to take her out of my care was issued, she showed an intense fear of Johan. Yet, she didn't say that she didn't want Johan on the moon.
Then the social worker asked her to draw pictures of everyone. Another strange thing she noted was that only the drawing of herself had hands and feet. I can't remember the drawing of Dolf, but I remember that the social worker pointed out that neither me, nor her stepmother had hands. The social worker took the pictures and said she was going to get them analyzed by a psychologist, but that never happened and this social worker is not working at that organisation any longer.
Another strange thing happened. Lili and I were waiting in the car for my parents when Johan phoned. I spoke to him over the car kit and Lili kept asking me if she could say hello to him, I told her no. Then she said: "Well, I'm going to" and she spoke to Johan, no fear.
Make no mistake, I don't think that Johan was innocent. At that point I started getting suspicious though. Something just didn't seem right. So I asked Lili straight whether she ever said that she was afraid of Johan and she denied it. I explained to her what had happened, but I don't know how much she could really understand. She was only 7 years old.
During that week we did as much as we could together and she followed me around everywhere. She even came to get me out of the toilet in a restaurant when she felt I was taking too long, more than once. I took her ice-skating and I saw so much of myself in my little girl. She, just like me at that same age, almost immediately got it right, so I took her again. It made me happy to see her smile.
She also spent time with Xaynee. It was beautiful to see her help her baby sister while they were playing on a jungle gym and how she protected her so that she wouldn't get hurt by the other children. They looked like two little angels, I couldn't be happier.
I cried with her one night, she told me that she misses us and that she didn't want to go back. I felt helpless, it broke my heart. There was nothing I could do.
The day we went back to Kuruman, we spent the night there. I had to take Lili back the next day. Dolf phoned and when he heard that we were in Kuruman, he demanded that I take her back. We rushed out from the restaurant, afraid that he might turn up.
That night I lay next to her, just stroking her hair. I couldn't sleep.
When Lili saw her dad the next morning she excitedly told him that I took her ice-skating. His words? "That's dangerous."
I hated him more then ever before. Lili just came and sat on my lap, she had her arms around me and I had to fight to hold back my tears.
That was the last time I saw my little girl.
P.S I know I've posted this video before, but I am uploading it again at this point of my story.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
My Story Part Ten
The court case was coming up in July last year. Shortly before that I saw the social worker for the last time. She told me straight that my chances of getting Lili back was slim.
It was then that I contacted a medium who had a show on our radio. I just needed something to hold on to.
The night I appeared live on her show I was alone. I was telling my story but I was crying the whole time. The medium's name was Michaela and she then told me that my little girl misses me alot and that she really wants to be with me. She also said that Xaynee needed me to stay strong and that she doesn't understand why I'm so sad. Her final words to me was that I had no future with Johan and that there is someone else out there for me.
Johan was very upset about what she said. He started manipulating his way into gaining control over me once again. I was living on my own, but had to ask him for everything I needed. He never gave me money.
Then about a week before the court case, Johan phoned me and told me that his brothers had beaten him up in front of Xaynee.
I panicked. I was worried about Xaynee and told Johan it's ok if he moved in with me for a while.
He told me that the whole fight started because he confronted his mother about an sms she had received from Dolf. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that she still had contact with Dolf. Johan said he accused his mom of meddling in my business and threatened to take his children and leave but that was when his brothers stepped in.
Johan's ex wife took their kids for that night and he and Xaynee came to me.
He told me that he was sorry for being so blind about his mother. I had no sympathy. I hated him and I told him straight that I can't love him.
The day I was to appear in court, I sat outside and I could see Lili in Dolf's car. They wouldn't even let her come to me.
I may have looked all good and professional that day but my head was a mess and my heart was breaking as Lili came into the court room and her stepmother took her and put her on her lap.
My father took me to Kuruman that day but he never got out of the car.
The magistrate went through the assessment and social worker's report and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say. I tried to prove to him that Dolf was acting out of revenge by using the sms's he had sent me.
Nothing worked and the magistrate told me that if I really had Lili's best interests at heart then I wouldn't have Johan in my life at all. I couldn't think. Nothing made sense. The magistrate considered Johan as a threat to Lili's safety and placed Lili in Dolf's care for 2 years after which the matter will go back to court.
I started crying as I left the court room and totally broke down as I saw Dolf walk outside clapping his hands. He had won and he was making it worse for me.
We then had a meeting with the social worker in Kuruman to discuss visitation rights and contact.
We agreed that I could phone Lili on Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights.
She could also visit me during one short and one long holiday and I could see her whenever I was in Kuruman, provided that I let Dolf know two days in advance.
Lili was sitting on my lap the whole time and lay her head against me. I knew she didn't understand what was happening. I also knew that she loved me.
As we were driving back to Pretoria that day, I could feel a little part of me staying with my little girl in Kuruman.
She knew I loved her.
It was then that I contacted a medium who had a show on our radio. I just needed something to hold on to.
The night I appeared live on her show I was alone. I was telling my story but I was crying the whole time. The medium's name was Michaela and she then told me that my little girl misses me alot and that she really wants to be with me. She also said that Xaynee needed me to stay strong and that she doesn't understand why I'm so sad. Her final words to me was that I had no future with Johan and that there is someone else out there for me.
Johan was very upset about what she said. He started manipulating his way into gaining control over me once again. I was living on my own, but had to ask him for everything I needed. He never gave me money.
Then about a week before the court case, Johan phoned me and told me that his brothers had beaten him up in front of Xaynee.
I panicked. I was worried about Xaynee and told Johan it's ok if he moved in with me for a while.
He told me that the whole fight started because he confronted his mother about an sms she had received from Dolf. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that she still had contact with Dolf. Johan said he accused his mom of meddling in my business and threatened to take his children and leave but that was when his brothers stepped in.
Johan's ex wife took their kids for that night and he and Xaynee came to me.
He told me that he was sorry for being so blind about his mother. I had no sympathy. I hated him and I told him straight that I can't love him.
The day I was to appear in court, I sat outside and I could see Lili in Dolf's car. They wouldn't even let her come to me.
I may have looked all good and professional that day but my head was a mess and my heart was breaking as Lili came into the court room and her stepmother took her and put her on her lap.
My father took me to Kuruman that day but he never got out of the car.
The magistrate went through the assessment and social worker's report and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say. I tried to prove to him that Dolf was acting out of revenge by using the sms's he had sent me.
Nothing worked and the magistrate told me that if I really had Lili's best interests at heart then I wouldn't have Johan in my life at all. I couldn't think. Nothing made sense. The magistrate considered Johan as a threat to Lili's safety and placed Lili in Dolf's care for 2 years after which the matter will go back to court.
I started crying as I left the court room and totally broke down as I saw Dolf walk outside clapping his hands. He had won and he was making it worse for me.
We then had a meeting with the social worker in Kuruman to discuss visitation rights and contact.
We agreed that I could phone Lili on Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights.
She could also visit me during one short and one long holiday and I could see her whenever I was in Kuruman, provided that I let Dolf know two days in advance.
Lili was sitting on my lap the whole time and lay her head against me. I knew she didn't understand what was happening. I also knew that she loved me.
As we were driving back to Pretoria that day, I could feel a little part of me staying with my little girl in Kuruman.
She knew I loved her.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
My Story Part Nine
My whole life was falling apart. My brother got married on the day Andy left me and I wasn't invited because my brother never liked Johan.
I finally started giving in to Johan's manipulation. He kept phoning me despite the fact that I had a protection order against him and I agreed that he could take Xaynee for a while, more because I couldn't stand the way my mother was treating her than any other reason.
Johan then took Xaynee to a school for disabled children and when they did the evaluation on her, they classified her as being hemiplegic. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had a disabled child, but my mother kept manipulating the whole situation in such a way that I never had Xaynee with me again.
All my parents seemed to care about was Lili and that made me angry. Xaynee was my child too and she needed me but my parents never supported me.
Throughout this whole time, I was still chatting on mobile sites. It was my way of escaping the pain and hurt of the real world and I ended up in a relationship with a guy younger than me. He was living in another town and I knew that if I wanted to get away from Johan, that would be the only way of doing it. Unfortunately this guy had many issues like self-harming etc. I had my own problems to deal with and in the end I went back to Pretoria, but my parents wanted nothing to do with me because my father warned me that this guy was a coward. I still remember how my dad said that I would even be better off going back to Johan.
I made many mistakes during this time though. I felt that because half of Johan's business belonged to me, I had a right to some money and I was stupid enough to fall for Johan's trap. He offered to pay the rent for my apartment so that I could get Lili back and I agreed. I thought that it would be enough, because the social worker said I had to have an income (which I did because I owned half of the business) and I had to live on my own. The social worker even came to see where I lived and I should've known by then what was going to happen.
I had been trying to contact the social worker for quite some time by then, because Dolf accused me of not turning up for the court case in the maintenance court, but I was never notified and according to the maintenance court I didn't have to appear that day. Dolf was angry though and he wouldn't listen, so he refused to answer the phone whenever I tried to phone Lili and I couldn't speak to her on her birthday.
The social worker said that they couldn't find me and I told her that I had been trying to contact them for a couple of weeks by that time because I couldn't speak to Lili.
It was then that I started to realise that when a social worker are guilty, manipulating or just downright nasty, they simply ignore you or direct the situation into another direction.
I did finally get to contact Lili again, but then we had to appear in the maintenance court again. There something happened. Johan was with me and he heard Dolf talking to his attorney over the phone about the Children's Court case being at the end of that month. I knew nothing about it and I was shocked when I phoned the social worker and asked her about it. She knew nothing, so she contacted the social worker in Kuruman who said that it was true. I don't know why I was never notified, but the social worker told me that to get the court case postponed, I would have to get an attorney which I could hardly afford at that time but I did and I got the case postponed.
The social worker then told me that I had to go for a psychological evaluation and also an interactional analysis with Lili in Kuruman and that I had to pay for everything. I didn't know what to do because it was going to cost me thousands of Rands and I didn't have the money but I tried to stay calm.
I went for the psychological evaluation, but when I requested for it, the psychologist said that she was not foing to be able to finish it in time for my court case. I also tried to get in Kuruman for the interactional analysis but I had no transport and the coaches that used to go that route wasn't in use anymore. Everything was going against me.
I finally started giving in to Johan's manipulation. He kept phoning me despite the fact that I had a protection order against him and I agreed that he could take Xaynee for a while, more because I couldn't stand the way my mother was treating her than any other reason.
Johan then took Xaynee to a school for disabled children and when they did the evaluation on her, they classified her as being hemiplegic. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had a disabled child, but my mother kept manipulating the whole situation in such a way that I never had Xaynee with me again.
All my parents seemed to care about was Lili and that made me angry. Xaynee was my child too and she needed me but my parents never supported me.
Throughout this whole time, I was still chatting on mobile sites. It was my way of escaping the pain and hurt of the real world and I ended up in a relationship with a guy younger than me. He was living in another town and I knew that if I wanted to get away from Johan, that would be the only way of doing it. Unfortunately this guy had many issues like self-harming etc. I had my own problems to deal with and in the end I went back to Pretoria, but my parents wanted nothing to do with me because my father warned me that this guy was a coward. I still remember how my dad said that I would even be better off going back to Johan.
I made many mistakes during this time though. I felt that because half of Johan's business belonged to me, I had a right to some money and I was stupid enough to fall for Johan's trap. He offered to pay the rent for my apartment so that I could get Lili back and I agreed. I thought that it would be enough, because the social worker said I had to have an income (which I did because I owned half of the business) and I had to live on my own. The social worker even came to see where I lived and I should've known by then what was going to happen.
I had been trying to contact the social worker for quite some time by then, because Dolf accused me of not turning up for the court case in the maintenance court, but I was never notified and according to the maintenance court I didn't have to appear that day. Dolf was angry though and he wouldn't listen, so he refused to answer the phone whenever I tried to phone Lili and I couldn't speak to her on her birthday.
The social worker said that they couldn't find me and I told her that I had been trying to contact them for a couple of weeks by that time because I couldn't speak to Lili.
It was then that I started to realise that when a social worker are guilty, manipulating or just downright nasty, they simply ignore you or direct the situation into another direction.
I did finally get to contact Lili again, but then we had to appear in the maintenance court again. There something happened. Johan was with me and he heard Dolf talking to his attorney over the phone about the Children's Court case being at the end of that month. I knew nothing about it and I was shocked when I phoned the social worker and asked her about it. She knew nothing, so she contacted the social worker in Kuruman who said that it was true. I don't know why I was never notified, but the social worker told me that to get the court case postponed, I would have to get an attorney which I could hardly afford at that time but I did and I got the case postponed.
The social worker then told me that I had to go for a psychological evaluation and also an interactional analysis with Lili in Kuruman and that I had to pay for everything. I didn't know what to do because it was going to cost me thousands of Rands and I didn't have the money but I tried to stay calm.
I went for the psychological evaluation, but when I requested for it, the psychologist said that she was not foing to be able to finish it in time for my court case. I also tried to get in Kuruman for the interactional analysis but I had no transport and the coaches that used to go that route wasn't in use anymore. Everything was going against me.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
My Story Part Eight
I was sitting in my dad's car, talking on the car kit and this woman told me that Lili had been removed from my care with a Form 4.
The reasons she said was this:
1. Johan had placed Lili in a trailer and closed it and Lili apparently displayed a terrible fear of Johan.
2. Johan and I both abused alcohol and then became violent.
3. I threw cups at a wall.
4. Neither of us were working and sat at home the whole day.
I was too shocked to say anything but I agreed to go and see her.
My parents were just as shocked. They knew about the whole trailer incident. It happened two years before while I was sick with my illness and in bed, but Lili always referred to it as a joke.
They knew that it couldn't have been true that I abused alcohol, due to my illness.
As I mentioned earlier on, I threw the cups in self-defence and Lili probably mentioned it because it was still fresh in her memory.
The last point wasn't true either, we ran our own business and we had the advantage of being able to pick the children up from school and not go to work again sometimes.
At first I was angry, Dolf finally did it. He took her away, just as he always said he would.
In the meantime, living with my parents wasn't easy either. Me and my mom were constantly fighting about the way she was treating Xaynee. By that time we didn't know that she was disabled and my mom said that Xaynee was just messy and naughty.
Then Andy also left me, I had no one and I was heartbroken. I lost two of the most important people in my life and I had to stay strong for Xaynee........
The reasons she said was this:
1. Johan had placed Lili in a trailer and closed it and Lili apparently displayed a terrible fear of Johan.
2. Johan and I both abused alcohol and then became violent.
3. I threw cups at a wall.
4. Neither of us were working and sat at home the whole day.
I was too shocked to say anything but I agreed to go and see her.
My parents were just as shocked. They knew about the whole trailer incident. It happened two years before while I was sick with my illness and in bed, but Lili always referred to it as a joke.
They knew that it couldn't have been true that I abused alcohol, due to my illness.
As I mentioned earlier on, I threw the cups in self-defence and Lili probably mentioned it because it was still fresh in her memory.
The last point wasn't true either, we ran our own business and we had the advantage of being able to pick the children up from school and not go to work again sometimes.
At first I was angry, Dolf finally did it. He took her away, just as he always said he would.
In the meantime, living with my parents wasn't easy either. Me and my mom were constantly fighting about the way she was treating Xaynee. By that time we didn't know that she was disabled and my mom said that Xaynee was just messy and naughty.
Then Andy also left me, I had no one and I was heartbroken. I lost two of the most important people in my life and I had to stay strong for Xaynee........
Monday, May 19, 2008
My Story Part Seven
During December 2006 Johan told me that Dolf apparently told his (Johan's) mother that he had a court order to keep Lili there in Kuruman with him.
At first I ignored it, I've heard it all before. Then Christmas came and Dolf still had the same story.
I finally took Xaynee and on the 3rd of January 2007 I 'temporarily' moved in with my parents. I also applied for a protection order against Johan.
School was due to start and it was Lili's first school year, I started to panic. My dad took me to the police station to open a contempt of court case against Dolf so he would bring Lili back but he told the police the same...he had a court order.
I turned cold when I realised that he was taking revenge on me. Before her visit I threatened to take him to court for the maintenance he was in appears with and I still remember his words over the phone... ″If you can't care for her, I'll take her″. He was also sending me sms's. One said... ″The wheel turns. You took my child away from me and now it's your turn to suffer. Lili accepted my wife as her mother and she wants nothing to do with you.″
It took all the strength I had to keep myself together. The police wasn't doing anything either and in the end I wrote to the Beeld. The next day someone at the police station told me to phone the social worker who was in possession of my file.
I phoned this social worker and she told me what was going on.......
At first I ignored it, I've heard it all before. Then Christmas came and Dolf still had the same story.
I finally took Xaynee and on the 3rd of January 2007 I 'temporarily' moved in with my parents. I also applied for a protection order against Johan.
School was due to start and it was Lili's first school year, I started to panic. My dad took me to the police station to open a contempt of court case against Dolf so he would bring Lili back but he told the police the same...he had a court order.
I turned cold when I realised that he was taking revenge on me. Before her visit I threatened to take him to court for the maintenance he was in appears with and I still remember his words over the phone... ″If you can't care for her, I'll take her″. He was also sending me sms's. One said... ″The wheel turns. You took my child away from me and now it's your turn to suffer. Lili accepted my wife as her mother and she wants nothing to do with you.″
It took all the strength I had to keep myself together. The police wasn't doing anything either and in the end I wrote to the Beeld. The next day someone at the police station told me to phone the social worker who was in possession of my file.
I phoned this social worker and she told me what was going on.......
My Story Part Six
I can remember many arguments that turned violent. Most were about Lili.
At first I even gave my best as far as his children were concerned. I bought them clothes whenever I bought Lili clothes, I spent time with them and played with them. Until I realised one day that I was fighting a losing battle.
I always blow-dried Lili's hair, she has the most beautiful hair and I loved doing it. So I tried doing the same for Johan's girls. Then one day the oldest one told me I shouldn't do it because her grandmother says it doesn't look nice. I gave up right then and there. Johan's mother also treated Lili as though she never were a part of them, it made her sad and she used to cry about it sometimes when I put her in bed. How could I explain to my daughter that it wasn't her fault and that this woman was just plain rude?
I realised later on that it was jealousy. Lili is a beautiful child. I know that any mother would say that about her children, but people have actually stopped me in shopping malls to stare at her. Johan later admitted that he was jealous of her, his children wasn't as pretty as she was, and he made her pay for that by treating her the way he did.
During our relationship, we had alot of trouble with getting Dolf to pay maintenance. The visits didn't go very smoothly either and we had to go to Kuruman twice to get Lili at our own cost. Dolf simply refused to bring her back.
The last time was in December 2005. I wanted Lili back before Christmas, Dolf threatened me with the welfare and court and everything until we finally just got in the car and went to Kuruman. When we got there, he wouldn't let me take Lili and I had to talk to the social worker first. This was a different social worker than the one who originally opened a file though.
I was shocked when she showed me a written and sworn statement by Johan's mother that I had said Lili could stay until January. I told them I never said it and that I wanted my child.
When we confronted Johan's mother, she said that the kids, that is Johan's kids, had said that but she omitted that fact in her statement. I was angry, I never spoke to Johan's mother again after that.
Shortly after that I started writing blogs on a mobile site and I also started going into chat rooms. It was my way of escaping my reality and I could write anything I wanted in my blogs, without the risk of having people like Johan and his mother reading it and using it against me.
I met Andy on that same site, at the time I thought I was crazy to fall in love with a person on the other side of the world, but we grew closer than I think either of us realised. He supported me and gave me the hope and strength to go on when all I wanted to do was to give up.
Johan found an sms or two from Andy on my phone. I had to explain and I did. I told Johan that I didn't love him anymore...then he became obsessed.
A week or two before Lili had to go to Dolf, Johan started an argument with me and he stormed up to me and Lili. I wanted to protect her, so I did the first thing I could think of...I threw cups at him. I missed though.
Andy knew about every single incident that occured. I never lied to him and always told him the truth, what I didn't know back then was that he was also going through a difficult time.
After Lili was gone, Johan and I had another fight. This time he took Xaynee and left. After all the threats that he was going to take her away, I didn't know what to think. My face and neck was badly bruised and I phoned the police. I was hysterical, all I had was Andy to calm me down. The police arrived and I begged them for help, I also wanted to open a kidnapping case. They went to speak to Johan's mother, I heard how she told them that I had a mental problem and that I was out of control so Johan just 'took the kids to safety'. The police just left and told me to phone them when Johan gets back. I could scream. Why wouldn't they listen? Why wouldn't they help me?
Johan's mother was standing there, calling me a whore, told me I was crazy and she was being all smug about it.
I had to get away.
At first I even gave my best as far as his children were concerned. I bought them clothes whenever I bought Lili clothes, I spent time with them and played with them. Until I realised one day that I was fighting a losing battle.
I always blow-dried Lili's hair, she has the most beautiful hair and I loved doing it. So I tried doing the same for Johan's girls. Then one day the oldest one told me I shouldn't do it because her grandmother says it doesn't look nice. I gave up right then and there. Johan's mother also treated Lili as though she never were a part of them, it made her sad and she used to cry about it sometimes when I put her in bed. How could I explain to my daughter that it wasn't her fault and that this woman was just plain rude?
I realised later on that it was jealousy. Lili is a beautiful child. I know that any mother would say that about her children, but people have actually stopped me in shopping malls to stare at her. Johan later admitted that he was jealous of her, his children wasn't as pretty as she was, and he made her pay for that by treating her the way he did.
During our relationship, we had alot of trouble with getting Dolf to pay maintenance. The visits didn't go very smoothly either and we had to go to Kuruman twice to get Lili at our own cost. Dolf simply refused to bring her back.
The last time was in December 2005. I wanted Lili back before Christmas, Dolf threatened me with the welfare and court and everything until we finally just got in the car and went to Kuruman. When we got there, he wouldn't let me take Lili and I had to talk to the social worker first. This was a different social worker than the one who originally opened a file though.
I was shocked when she showed me a written and sworn statement by Johan's mother that I had said Lili could stay until January. I told them I never said it and that I wanted my child.
When we confronted Johan's mother, she said that the kids, that is Johan's kids, had said that but she omitted that fact in her statement. I was angry, I never spoke to Johan's mother again after that.
Shortly after that I started writing blogs on a mobile site and I also started going into chat rooms. It was my way of escaping my reality and I could write anything I wanted in my blogs, without the risk of having people like Johan and his mother reading it and using it against me.
I met Andy on that same site, at the time I thought I was crazy to fall in love with a person on the other side of the world, but we grew closer than I think either of us realised. He supported me and gave me the hope and strength to go on when all I wanted to do was to give up.
Johan found an sms or two from Andy on my phone. I had to explain and I did. I told Johan that I didn't love him anymore...then he became obsessed.
A week or two before Lili had to go to Dolf, Johan started an argument with me and he stormed up to me and Lili. I wanted to protect her, so I did the first thing I could think of...I threw cups at him. I missed though.
Andy knew about every single incident that occured. I never lied to him and always told him the truth, what I didn't know back then was that he was also going through a difficult time.
After Lili was gone, Johan and I had another fight. This time he took Xaynee and left. After all the threats that he was going to take her away, I didn't know what to think. My face and neck was badly bruised and I phoned the police. I was hysterical, all I had was Andy to calm me down. The police arrived and I begged them for help, I also wanted to open a kidnapping case. They went to speak to Johan's mother, I heard how she told them that I had a mental problem and that I was out of control so Johan just 'took the kids to safety'. The police just left and told me to phone them when Johan gets back. I could scream. Why wouldn't they listen? Why wouldn't they help me?
Johan's mother was standing there, calling me a whore, told me I was crazy and she was being all smug about it.
I had to get away.
Friday, May 16, 2008
My Story Part Five
Johan and I moved into another house, one we called the 'old house', but it was on the same smallholding as where his parents lived. In fact, the houses were only 30 meters apart.
His children stayed in his mother's house but Lili decided to stay with us.
On 12 August 2003 Xaynee-Leigh was born. Johan and Lili weren't getting along very well though and it led to numerous arguments, Lili was especially 'afraid' whenever she came back from a visit with her dad. I was too naive and ignorant back then to have recognised the signs that he was 'coaching' her. After these visits, it took only a small while for Lili to go back to her normal self and she would kiss and hug Johan and later she called him 'Dada', although Dolf apparently thought that we told her to call him that, we never did. It was something she had learned from Johan's brother's stepchildren.
The arguments between me and Johan only became worse and worse until he too started to physically abuse me. It felt like history was repeating itself, he called me crazy and told me that he would make sure that I lost both of my children. I just couldn't stand hearing him call Lili 'a brat' or seeing him kick her toys around the room. I was afraid of Johan. He was alot stronger and had a bigger build than Dolf.
My parents never liked Johan, but whenever I phoned my mother and asked for them to help me get away, she told me that they weren't going to get involved and that I made my bed and should sleep in it. Johan even went so far as to phone my parents and tell them to come and get me, when they refused, he used it against me and told me that I was just as bad a parent as my parents were and that it was no wonder that I turned out to be such a whore.
On Lili's 3rd birthday, we went to a restaurant with the three children (I didn't know I was pregnant yet). I had to sit in the back with all three of them because Johan brought along a friend. On our way back home, an argument started when all the children wanted to sleep and they were uncomfotable. Johan shouted at me and when we dropped his friend off, he got abusive. I jumped out of the car with Lili and Johan gave me the pepper spray and told me that if he didn't stop, I could spray him. He didn't stop and I asked him to pull over the car, he didn't, so I turned the steering wheel so he couldn't keep driving. He hit me across the face and pulled my head back with my hair, I sprayed but it also affected his oldest daughter. I didn't care anymore, I ran away with Lili and people picked me up and dropped me off at my parents place. Next thing, Johan pulled up, with my parents and when my dad walked past me I heard him ask me..."Are you fucking crazy?" I went back home with Johan...
This was only one incident, there were many more and some I probably don't even remember, maybe I don't want to.
Johan's parents only made it worse. His mother would come meddling every time we had an argument, every time I was made out to be the one in the wrong. I was frustrated.
I used to write letters and poems to get rid of all my feelings, but I finally discovered that Johan's mom had been going through my things and she took all my writing. I discovered this when she too started threatening me that she would make sure that I would lose my children because I was mentally unstable and that my writing just proved it.
I didn't know what to do. My life was a living hell and I remember how I used to put Lili in bed and promised her that I would take her away...again history repeating itself.
Johan used to get angry because Lili followed me around, sit on my lap, and wanted me to stay with her until she fell asleep.
I told him that he was being unreasonable and that his oldest daughter was exactly the same with him...another argument. His mom came meddling again and she shoved me around. Then she phoned a friend of hers who lived nearby, a woman who used to be a nurse in a mental institution. This woman came there, hit me across the face more than once and she shoved me around. I kept screaming, I heard Johan's mother tell him that he should leave this woman because she knew how to handle people like me, insinuating ofcourse that I had a mental problem.
I couldn't take it anymore. It broke my heart to put my beautiful little girl through it but I also knew that she wouldn't be better off with her father.
Then I tried to commit suicide, twice. I thought that it would lead to one of two things, either me being dead and at least my little girl could lead a happier life, because I thought my parents would fight to get her in their custody...or it would be a cry for help. Not help because I was mentally unstable, but help to escape from the nightmare.
His children stayed in his mother's house but Lili decided to stay with us.
On 12 August 2003 Xaynee-Leigh was born. Johan and Lili weren't getting along very well though and it led to numerous arguments, Lili was especially 'afraid' whenever she came back from a visit with her dad. I was too naive and ignorant back then to have recognised the signs that he was 'coaching' her. After these visits, it took only a small while for Lili to go back to her normal self and she would kiss and hug Johan and later she called him 'Dada', although Dolf apparently thought that we told her to call him that, we never did. It was something she had learned from Johan's brother's stepchildren.
The arguments between me and Johan only became worse and worse until he too started to physically abuse me. It felt like history was repeating itself, he called me crazy and told me that he would make sure that I lost both of my children. I just couldn't stand hearing him call Lili 'a brat' or seeing him kick her toys around the room. I was afraid of Johan. He was alot stronger and had a bigger build than Dolf.
My parents never liked Johan, but whenever I phoned my mother and asked for them to help me get away, she told me that they weren't going to get involved and that I made my bed and should sleep in it. Johan even went so far as to phone my parents and tell them to come and get me, when they refused, he used it against me and told me that I was just as bad a parent as my parents were and that it was no wonder that I turned out to be such a whore.
On Lili's 3rd birthday, we went to a restaurant with the three children (I didn't know I was pregnant yet). I had to sit in the back with all three of them because Johan brought along a friend. On our way back home, an argument started when all the children wanted to sleep and they were uncomfotable. Johan shouted at me and when we dropped his friend off, he got abusive. I jumped out of the car with Lili and Johan gave me the pepper spray and told me that if he didn't stop, I could spray him. He didn't stop and I asked him to pull over the car, he didn't, so I turned the steering wheel so he couldn't keep driving. He hit me across the face and pulled my head back with my hair, I sprayed but it also affected his oldest daughter. I didn't care anymore, I ran away with Lili and people picked me up and dropped me off at my parents place. Next thing, Johan pulled up, with my parents and when my dad walked past me I heard him ask me..."Are you fucking crazy?" I went back home with Johan...
This was only one incident, there were many more and some I probably don't even remember, maybe I don't want to.
Johan's parents only made it worse. His mother would come meddling every time we had an argument, every time I was made out to be the one in the wrong. I was frustrated.
I used to write letters and poems to get rid of all my feelings, but I finally discovered that Johan's mom had been going through my things and she took all my writing. I discovered this when she too started threatening me that she would make sure that I would lose my children because I was mentally unstable and that my writing just proved it.
I didn't know what to do. My life was a living hell and I remember how I used to put Lili in bed and promised her that I would take her away...again history repeating itself.
Johan used to get angry because Lili followed me around, sit on my lap, and wanted me to stay with her until she fell asleep.
I told him that he was being unreasonable and that his oldest daughter was exactly the same with him...another argument. His mom came meddling again and she shoved me around. Then she phoned a friend of hers who lived nearby, a woman who used to be a nurse in a mental institution. This woman came there, hit me across the face more than once and she shoved me around. I kept screaming, I heard Johan's mother tell him that he should leave this woman because she knew how to handle people like me, insinuating ofcourse that I had a mental problem.
I couldn't take it anymore. It broke my heart to put my beautiful little girl through it but I also knew that she wouldn't be better off with her father.
Then I tried to commit suicide, twice. I thought that it would lead to one of two things, either me being dead and at least my little girl could lead a happier life, because I thought my parents would fight to get her in their custody...or it would be a cry for help. Not help because I was mentally unstable, but help to escape from the nightmare.
My Story Part Four
I found work after I moved to Pretoria and Dolf applied for a divorce. I had a written agreement with his attorney that Lili could visit him in Kuruman for two weeks every six months. He also had to pay R500 towards maintenance for Lili.
The first visit was a disaster. Dolf simply refused to bring Lili back to me and threatened to hurt me if I attempted to fetch her. In the end I paid R3 000 for protection to help me to get her back. When I got back in Pretoria, I took Lili to emergencies at the hospital, we knew something was wrong because she had a terrible fever. She had tonsilitis and a chest infection. I couldn't believe that Dolf never took her to a doctor. Dolf didn't contact Lili again for three months, the next visit went a little smoother though.
During July 2002, I became involved with a man who was thirteen years older than me. He was working with me and he was still married and had two children but his marriage ended long before we met. This man was Johan.
After a month or so his wife finally left him and since Johan's mom had mainly raised their children and he was living with them, she left her children there. I moved in with him but his parents made it clear that they didn't approve of me and Johan treated Lili badly. I left him after two months and went with Lili when she visited Dolf at the end of 2002.
During that visit, Dolf and his mother had a terrible argument after he didn't come home one night and she accused him of smoking marijuana.
When I got back in Pretoria, Johan begged me to go back to him and I did.
If only I knew then what hell I was gonna go through for the next 5 years......
The first visit was a disaster. Dolf simply refused to bring Lili back to me and threatened to hurt me if I attempted to fetch her. In the end I paid R3 000 for protection to help me to get her back. When I got back in Pretoria, I took Lili to emergencies at the hospital, we knew something was wrong because she had a terrible fever. She had tonsilitis and a chest infection. I couldn't believe that Dolf never took her to a doctor. Dolf didn't contact Lili again for three months, the next visit went a little smoother though.
During July 2002, I became involved with a man who was thirteen years older than me. He was working with me and he was still married and had two children but his marriage ended long before we met. This man was Johan.
After a month or so his wife finally left him and since Johan's mom had mainly raised their children and he was living with them, she left her children there. I moved in with him but his parents made it clear that they didn't approve of me and Johan treated Lili badly. I left him after two months and went with Lili when she visited Dolf at the end of 2002.
During that visit, Dolf and his mother had a terrible argument after he didn't come home one night and she accused him of smoking marijuana.
When I got back in Pretoria, Johan begged me to go back to him and I did.
If only I knew then what hell I was gonna go through for the next 5 years......
Thursday, May 15, 2008
My Story Part Three
One day Dolf phoned his parents while we were having an argument. I went outside when they arrived because I didn't feel up to arguing with them too. They left soon and when I went back in, I discovered that they had taken Lili with them. I ran to the police station and begged them for help but they wouldn't listen. I phoned my parents and they contacted someone at the police station who phoned Dolf's parents and told them to bring Lili there. When I got there, I took Lili and tried to walk out the door but a woman there told me that I have to talk to Dolf's parents first. I just wanted to get away, so I treid to push my way through the door but a police officer pulled me back so hard that it left bruises on my arm. The woman threatened to open a case of child abuse against me if I didn't talk to Dolf's parents, I felt helpless. There I was being forced into an argument after they didn't even help me when I reported that these people took my child.
I still remember the nights I used to put Lili in bed, how she cried and I promised her that I was going to take her away from all of that, then something happened.
Dolf started shoving me around one day while I had Lili in my arms, I begged and shouted at him to stop but that made him even more angry, until he finally threw me against the wall. I got up and ran away. I applied for a protection order against him. Lili had a bad bruise on her forehead from when he threw against the wall. My dad asked an ex-colleague of his if I could stay there for a while.
Dolf was clever. He went to the ACVV and got a social worker to work on our case. This social worker was the first of many and she opened the original file in which the truth about what was going on at the time was specified. She convinced me to go back to Dolf and promised me that she would help us work through our problems.
Less than a month after that, another argument led me to contact my parents to come and take me and Lili away. I took Lili and we moved to Pretoria to live with my parents on 13 October 2001, two days before what would have been our 2nd anniversary.
I still remember the nights I used to put Lili in bed, how she cried and I promised her that I was going to take her away from all of that, then something happened.
Dolf started shoving me around one day while I had Lili in my arms, I begged and shouted at him to stop but that made him even more angry, until he finally threw me against the wall. I got up and ran away. I applied for a protection order against him. Lili had a bad bruise on her forehead from when he threw against the wall. My dad asked an ex-colleague of his if I could stay there for a while.
Dolf was clever. He went to the ACVV and got a social worker to work on our case. This social worker was the first of many and she opened the original file in which the truth about what was going on at the time was specified. She convinced me to go back to Dolf and promised me that she would help us work through our problems.
Less than a month after that, another argument led me to contact my parents to come and take me and Lili away. I took Lili and we moved to Pretoria to live with my parents on 13 October 2001, two days before what would have been our 2nd anniversary.
My Story Part Two
My Divorce
I was starting to get frustrated and lonely. Dolf was working for a courier business, he was only home every second day.
The fights and arguments didn't get any better and his parents made it worse. They too started threatening to take my baby away and told me I had a mental problem.
One day I snapped while Dolf was at work. I wanted to contact my parents but Dolf's mom hid the telephone. They started hiding it whenever I was alone at home. I was getting depressed and secluded myself by staying in our room with Lili.
Then one night I was feeding Lili her food and tried to put her to sleep. My food was in the kitchen but I wanted to get Lili in bed first. I heard Dolf's mom say that I was spiting myself by not eating. I got angry because that wasn't the case, but lost my appetite anyway.
The next day I saw my plate with my food standing in the kitchen, uncovered. That night they gave me the same food to eat. I demanded to phone my parents, Dolf wasn't there and his mom reverted to name-calling and refused to give me the telephone. I left the house and went to a collegue of Dolf's wife. We asked the police to take me to get some things for Lili. His father refused to even give me diapers or milk. I had no money and the police told me there was nothing they could do.
After that Dolf and I moved into our own place and things got even worse.
It started after Lili wouldn't stop crying one night...Dolf turned her onto her belly and gave her a hiding. I tried stopping him and he strangled me.
I knew that I would have to get away, I was afraid that he would hurt Lili again but I felt too ashamed to ask my parents for their help.
There was alot of physical violence and he used to leave bruises in places where no one could see. I tried locking him out of the house, so he just broke the window to gain access.
New year's eve in 2000 we went over to friends of his. I didn't like it as I wasn't drinking because I was still breastfeeding. I asked Dolf to take me home and he went back. When he finally came home, I knew he had smoked marijuana. He attacked me again because I tried to protect Lili from him that night.......
I was starting to get frustrated and lonely. Dolf was working for a courier business, he was only home every second day.
The fights and arguments didn't get any better and his parents made it worse. They too started threatening to take my baby away and told me I had a mental problem.
One day I snapped while Dolf was at work. I wanted to contact my parents but Dolf's mom hid the telephone. They started hiding it whenever I was alone at home. I was getting depressed and secluded myself by staying in our room with Lili.
Then one night I was feeding Lili her food and tried to put her to sleep. My food was in the kitchen but I wanted to get Lili in bed first. I heard Dolf's mom say that I was spiting myself by not eating. I got angry because that wasn't the case, but lost my appetite anyway.
The next day I saw my plate with my food standing in the kitchen, uncovered. That night they gave me the same food to eat. I demanded to phone my parents, Dolf wasn't there and his mom reverted to name-calling and refused to give me the telephone. I left the house and went to a collegue of Dolf's wife. We asked the police to take me to get some things for Lili. His father refused to even give me diapers or milk. I had no money and the police told me there was nothing they could do.
After that Dolf and I moved into our own place and things got even worse.
It started after Lili wouldn't stop crying one night...Dolf turned her onto her belly and gave her a hiding. I tried stopping him and he strangled me.
I knew that I would have to get away, I was afraid that he would hurt Lili again but I felt too ashamed to ask my parents for their help.
There was alot of physical violence and he used to leave bruises in places where no one could see. I tried locking him out of the house, so he just broke the window to gain access.
New year's eve in 2000 we went over to friends of his. I didn't like it as I wasn't drinking because I was still breastfeeding. I asked Dolf to take me home and he went back. When he finally came home, I knew he had smoked marijuana. He attacked me again because I tried to protect Lili from him that night.......
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
My Story - Part One
My Marriage
I met Dolf when I was only 15 years old, I should've known then from his violent behaviour and excessive drinking that it was not the right thing to stay with him, but I was a rebellious teenager and he was a manipulator.
Have I known then what I know now, I might have made different choices, but I was young and naive.
The early signs was already there...
Whenever I left him, he'd threaten to commit suicide and told me that he couldn't live without me. He used to say that if he couldn't have me, then no one will.
By the time I fell pregnant at 17, he had his hold on me. He had been emotionally and physically abusing me from the start, but ignorance caused me not to recognise it. He had strangled, hit me and threatened me, I stayed with him because I felt ashamed. My mom had been right...she never liked him.
We got married on 15 October 1999 when I was already 3 months pregnant with Lili. My parents only wanted the best for me and my child so they paid the rent for our apartment and Dolf only had to provide in terms of food etc. I was studying Marketing through a correspondence college then.
I thought the abuse would stop while I was pregnant...I was wrong. He hit me, kicked me and threatened me with a knife and whenever I screamed he told me I was crazy and that he'd get me locked up in a mental institution and then he'd take the baby. I lived in fear. By that time he had already estranged me from all of my friends and I told nobody. He came home drunk a couple of times, I tried not to fight...I was afraid for my baby.
After Lili was born, everything got even worse. Dolf had no patience and I had to get up and nurse Lili in the other bedroom, he got angry when she cried.
I loved my baby to bits and it broke my heart to hear her screams whenever Dolf was hurting me.
One day one of my old college friends came by to see Lili and she asked me to go home with her, she wanted her mom to see Lili. I did, but when Dolf came home and I wasn't there, he phoned me and told me to get myself home immediately. When I got home, I could see the anger in his eyes. Lili was hungry, so I sat down on the bed to feed her. She was lying in my arms when I felt him slap me across my face. I didn't react, just held Lili closer.
Sometimes when I screamed he used to put his hand in my mouth, scratching it inside. It hurt. Still...I kept quiet. I was too afraid that he'd take my baby away.
Then things changed...
My mother could no longer afford to pay her part of our rent, so we moved into a bigger place with her, My dad and my brothers came to visit us from Pretoria, as we were living in Bloemfontein then.
They were all downstairs when Dolf and I started arguing upstairs while I was giving Lili a bath. Dolf hit his fist against the wall just above Lili's head and everyone came storming up and grabbed him away from me and Lili.
That night Dolf told me that if I didn't move with him to Kuruman, he would open a case of assault against my dad and my brothers. The next day we moved to Kuruman into his parents' house.
For two months I had no contact with anyone....
I met Dolf when I was only 15 years old, I should've known then from his violent behaviour and excessive drinking that it was not the right thing to stay with him, but I was a rebellious teenager and he was a manipulator.
Have I known then what I know now, I might have made different choices, but I was young and naive.
The early signs was already there...
Whenever I left him, he'd threaten to commit suicide and told me that he couldn't live without me. He used to say that if he couldn't have me, then no one will.
By the time I fell pregnant at 17, he had his hold on me. He had been emotionally and physically abusing me from the start, but ignorance caused me not to recognise it. He had strangled, hit me and threatened me, I stayed with him because I felt ashamed. My mom had been right...she never liked him.
We got married on 15 October 1999 when I was already 3 months pregnant with Lili. My parents only wanted the best for me and my child so they paid the rent for our apartment and Dolf only had to provide in terms of food etc. I was studying Marketing through a correspondence college then.
I thought the abuse would stop while I was pregnant...I was wrong. He hit me, kicked me and threatened me with a knife and whenever I screamed he told me I was crazy and that he'd get me locked up in a mental institution and then he'd take the baby. I lived in fear. By that time he had already estranged me from all of my friends and I told nobody. He came home drunk a couple of times, I tried not to fight...I was afraid for my baby.
After Lili was born, everything got even worse. Dolf had no patience and I had to get up and nurse Lili in the other bedroom, he got angry when she cried.
I loved my baby to bits and it broke my heart to hear her screams whenever Dolf was hurting me.
One day one of my old college friends came by to see Lili and she asked me to go home with her, she wanted her mom to see Lili. I did, but when Dolf came home and I wasn't there, he phoned me and told me to get myself home immediately. When I got home, I could see the anger in his eyes. Lili was hungry, so I sat down on the bed to feed her. She was lying in my arms when I felt him slap me across my face. I didn't react, just held Lili closer.
Sometimes when I screamed he used to put his hand in my mouth, scratching it inside. It hurt. Still...I kept quiet. I was too afraid that he'd take my baby away.
Then things changed...
My mother could no longer afford to pay her part of our rent, so we moved into a bigger place with her, My dad and my brothers came to visit us from Pretoria, as we were living in Bloemfontein then.
They were all downstairs when Dolf and I started arguing upstairs while I was giving Lili a bath. Dolf hit his fist against the wall just above Lili's head and everyone came storming up and grabbed him away from me and Lili.
That night Dolf told me that if I didn't move with him to Kuruman, he would open a case of assault against my dad and my brothers. The next day we moved to Kuruman into his parents' house.
For two months I had no contact with anyone....
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