Interesting phone call

When I woke up this morning, I felt irritated and I was lashing out at Andy for no apparant reason. Finally he asked me what waswrong and I told him...

I received an email from an attorney this morning who told me that it's going to cost me in the region of R50 000 to get Lili back in my care. I lay there thining...is it worth it and where are we gonna get the money?

Thoughts of the past kept racing through my head until I felt so depessed that all I wanted to do was give up this fight.

I told Andy that I didn't want to keep up the fight anymore. He tried to change my mind but after a while he just told me that he knew it must've taken alot of courage for me to just talk to him and he left it there.

I guess there must be a God out there who is looking out for me because I was given the most wonderful man on earth. Andy may have his faults but he has always supported me and he always understands. He never fights with me and he adores me, I wish Lili could meet him, I just know she is going to love him.

Later on today we went down to the beach and I had alot of time to think. I sat there thinking about how I ended up in this situation. All of a sudden I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to give up. I won't let my girls down. I wouldn't still be here if I wasn't meant to fight, would I?

Then, just before 18:00 our time, Dolf phoned. Mathew answered and he sid it was a guy, but when I heard Dolf's voice, I must admit, I nearly fell over.

I knew it wasn't going to be a friendly phone call, Dolf NEVER phones me.

He asked me: "What's your story now with you geting the welfare on my case?"

I told him: "I have nothing to say to you Dolf", to my surprise I remained calm.

He started shouting: "Well, you better start getting your crazy head together...", I didn't hear the rest, I simply put the phone down. I don't need his verbal abuse any longer.

When I told Andy, he thought of it exactly what I was thinking at the time...

Why was Dolf so angry that he would actualy go so far as to phone HERE, an international phone call, if he wasn't hiding something?

Sometimes I wonder

Is it ok if I feel sorry for myself?
Is it ok if I feel that I don't deserve this?
Is it ok if I just hate my life and want to die?

I guess not.

But...

I may have destroyed the one person that ever truly loved me's love for me tonight and even though I did what I thought best, I'm sad.

I gave Andy an ultimatum tonight and told him that either he starts working or I go back to South Africa.

He just doesn't seem to understand that I am feeling guilty, confused and angry and even here it is difficult for me to explain.

In South Africa, people will do almost anything to find a proper work to provide for their families. I remember going to sleep sometimes, crying because I didn't know where we were going to find the money to buy food. Always having to borrow money from my parents and go through customers treating me like shit, because I had to phone and ask for work basically. That, while Andy won't work for 200 pounds a week because he thinks it's crap work. Since I've been here, he has made no attempt to look for a steady job and that is getting to me. I am not allowed to work here without a visa and that makes me feel guilty for just being here.

Andy stormed out of the house in the end and I don't think he really cares what I'm going to do. He told me straight that I must just do what I want to do.

If I go back to SA, at least I can try to find work and fight to get my kids back, won't be easy though. I just hate being dependant of Andy and he's just waiting around for the next loose job to come around.

To top that, Johan asked me for money to take Xaynee to the doctor. I told him that I will ask my dad to take her and pay for it, he said that I had an attitude and that I won't speak to Xaynee ever again. He then called me a whore and a bad mother. He even dragged my parents into it by saying I'm just as bad a parent as they are. He also said I won't speak to Lili again. I stayed calm through it all, more because I'm so tired of all the fighting than because of anything else.

I wish I knew what to do and I feel so alone. I'm still angry because of everything that Andy's family has said about me and I feel like I don't belong here.

If there really is a God out there, I'm praying that he will help me. It hurts so much not to have my children with me, it feels like my heart's been ripped out and my life has no meaning anymore.

Today I decided...

We took a walk around the reservoir today, it really is beautiful over here and so different to South Africa. It's hardly spring and everywhere you look it's green and there are bunnies and daisies everywhere.

While we were walking I was thinking alot and I decided to kinda write my story here in my blog. I was thinking of how my life started on the internet way back when the only way I could connect was with my phone and it cost me a fortune in South Africa. I wasn't always popular and I know now that it might have been because of my straightforwardness and people tend to think of me as being rude.

My depression also started worrying me and thinking back, I know that it might be because of my past. Sometimes I feel guilty for being the way I am because I have the most caring and loving man in my life now and he really doesn't deserve this. The only way I can see that I will be able to work on this is by opening up.

Since I'm not the kind of person that talk to people about my problems or the way I feel, maybe I can do it this way. I'm not bothered about what people think and I can also see a positive side in it, that maybe I can learn something and help someone out there by telling my story, even if it is in bits and pieces.

Depressed

I've been depressed for a while now. Today I didn't even get out of bed and tonight I couldn't stop crying. Andy gave me a sedative to calm me down. I miss my children so much... I'm trying so hard to stay strong but it's hard and I'm worried that me being like this will cause me to lose Andy. I love him so much but at the same time I feel guilty about my children and there isn't much I can do about my situation. Lili's dad still won't answer his phone when I call and I'm getting more and more angry and upset.