For my baby x

After Andy left South Africa in January, I was heartbroken. We used to talk on Skype or on the phone and it literally hurt.

He sent me this song and the words just made me cry every time I listened to it. He was in Guernsey and I was in South Africa, all I had was memories of the two most wonderful weeks of my entire life. Images kept flashing through my head...especially of when he walked away from me on the airport to get on the plane.

Set The Fire To The Third Bar - Snow Patrol
(feat. Martha Wainwright)

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd 'B'
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

My Story Part Six

I can remember many arguments that turned violent. Most were about Lili.

At first I even gave my best as far as his children were concerned. I bought them clothes whenever I bought Lili clothes, I spent time with them and played with them. Until I realised one day that I was fighting a losing battle.

I always blow-dried Lili's hair, she has the most beautiful hair and I loved doing it. So I tried doing the same for Johan's girls. Then one day the oldest one told me I shouldn't do it because her grandmother says it doesn't look nice. I gave up right then and there. Johan's mother also treated Lili as though she never were a part of them, it made her sad and she used to cry about it sometimes when I put her in bed. How could I explain to my daughter that it wasn't her fault and that this woman was just plain rude?

I realised later on that it was jealousy. Lili is a beautiful child. I know that any mother would say that about her children, but people have actually stopped me in shopping malls to stare at her. Johan later admitted that he was jealous of her, his children wasn't as pretty as she was, and he made her pay for that by treating her the way he did.

During our relationship, we had alot of trouble with getting Dolf to pay maintenance. The visits didn't go very smoothly either and we had to go to Kuruman twice to get Lili at our own cost. Dolf simply refused to bring her back.

The last time was in December 2005. I wanted Lili back before Christmas, Dolf threatened me with the welfare and court and everything until we finally just got in the car and went to Kuruman. When we got there, he wouldn't let me take Lili and I had to talk to the social worker first. This was a different social worker than the one who originally opened a file though.
I was shocked when she showed me a written and sworn statement by Johan's mother that I had said Lili could stay until January. I told them I never said it and that I wanted my child.

When we confronted Johan's mother, she said that the kids, that is Johan's kids, had said that but she omitted that fact in her statement. I was angry, I never spoke to Johan's mother again after that.

Shortly after that I started writing blogs on a mobile site and I also started going into chat rooms. It was my way of escaping my reality and I could write anything I wanted in my blogs, without the risk of having people like Johan and his mother reading it and using it against me.

I met Andy on that same site, at the time I thought I was crazy to fall in love with a person on the other side of the world, but we grew closer than I think either of us realised. He supported me and gave me the hope and strength to go on when all I wanted to do was to give up.

Johan found an sms or two from Andy on my phone. I had to explain and I did. I told Johan that I didn't love him anymore...then he became obsessed.

A week or two before Lili had to go to Dolf, Johan started an argument with me and he stormed up to me and Lili. I wanted to protect her, so I did the first thing I could think of...I threw cups at him. I missed though.

Andy knew about every single incident that occured. I never lied to him and always told him the truth, what I didn't know back then was that he was also going through a difficult time.

After Lili was gone, Johan and I had another fight. This time he took Xaynee and left. After all the threats that he was going to take her away, I didn't know what to think. My face and neck was badly bruised and I phoned the police. I was hysterical, all I had was Andy to calm me down. The police arrived and I begged them for help, I also wanted to open a kidnapping case. They went to speak to Johan's mother, I heard how she told them that I had a mental problem and that I was out of control so Johan just 'took the kids to safety'. The police just left and told me to phone them when Johan gets back. I could scream. Why wouldn't they listen? Why wouldn't they help me?
Johan's mother was standing there, calling me a whore, told me I was crazy and she was being all smug about it.

I had to get away.

*Lies*

I hate lies. Most people do.

So what makes me different?

I was brought up by a mother who taught me that lies hurt, lies are wrong, and that the truth ALWAYS comes out...so why lie?

Me and my youngest brother ended up being very straightforward and undiplomatic in some instances. I can also detect a lie a mile away.

That caused both of us to have very poor human relations and very few friends.

I won't lie to protect you.

I won't lie to spare your feelings.

I won't lie to hurt you.

I'm not saying that I've never lied, I'll even admit that I did. But I'm too honest to keep the lie a secret...I will come out with the truth eventually.

That doesn't happen alot though.

I have trouble trusting people once they've lied to me or to others. I distance myself from people that I've caught lying.

So what brought this on?

I'm upset....REALLY upset.

Catherine (the neighbour across the street), came here on Friday night and asked me if she could borrow 10 pounds.

That's another thing...

I don't mind if people borrow money because they need food, maybe because I've been through that myself, but I will not lend anyone money so she can leave her husband and three children at home and go out drinking. I told her that too and what did I get?

She went downstairs and told Andy's gran that I told her once that I was disappointed when I came here because I thought Andy had money.

I was too sick to be angry at first...but thinking about it now, how can any normal person do something like that? How could she tell a blatant lie just because I didn't want to give her the money?

This came from the same bitch who called Andy a compulsive liar. I mean, what is wrong with these people? They really don't realise how lucky they are to have so many opportunities, all they do is complain and judge others.

I'm just not used to that.

Doing better

When I woke up this morning, I felt so much better.

I had enough energy to do some ironing, even though I got dizzy. The pain killers is really helping.

I got back into bed after a few hours and fell asleep, Andy has been looking after me the whole time and he's been doing everything for me, even made me dinner...twice lol but at least I'm eating.

I didn't realise I had so much water retention until I saw this morning that I have a flat belly again hehe

Andy won't let me off this time though, his mom already made it clear that I'm still going to see the specialist.

I'm just glad I'm feeling a bit better :o)

The Miracle of A Child's Wish

As my usual day goes, I was thinking about my children today. Suddenly a very special memory came into my thoughts.

Last year September, Lili visited me for the school holiday. We went to pick her up in Kuruman and on our way back to Pretoria, my mom asked Lili that if she had three wishes and she knew they would come true, what she would wish for.

Lili replied that she wished my dad who has a hearing problem could hear properly. Then she wished my mom who has had several operations on her eyes could see properly.

Her last wish was that her little sister Xaynee would be able to walk like a normal child.

I was in tears as I hugged my little girl, she didn't think of herself once.

The time Lili spent with us was the most wonderful time I've had these past two years. Seeing her play with Xaynee and the way she cared and watched out for her was just beautiful.

After we had to take her back, something happened...

One morning Xaynee woke me up by stroking her hand across my cheek. She looked happy in a strange kind of way. I got up and followed her to the kitchen to make her breakfast...then I realised...

My baby girl is walking with her heel down, like a normal child! I woke Johan up and we were so happy...but it only lasted a week before the muscle in her leg went back into spasm.

I wondered about that alot and today, for the first time...I figured it out that Xaynee needed her big sister.

Remembering this has given me new hope to keep fighting. I want my two little girls to be together.

AIH taking over

I hardly had any strength to get out of the bed today. Andy was working the whole day and I slept.

I did try to phone Lili at 20:00 sa time but needless to say, no one answered the phone.

I'm too sick at the moment to even feel depressed.

I was throwing up earlier and I'm getting more and more confused, I know I'll be ok though. Tomorrow Andy's mom will also be here and Andy isn't working tomorrow so I won't be alone again.

My Story Part Five

Johan and I moved into another house, one we called the 'old house', but it was on the same smallholding as where his parents lived. In fact, the houses were only 30 meters apart.

His children stayed in his mother's house but Lili decided to stay with us.

On 12 August 2003 Xaynee-Leigh was born. Johan and Lili weren't getting along very well though and it led to numerous arguments, Lili was especially 'afraid' whenever she came back from a visit with her dad. I was too naive and ignorant back then to have recognised the signs that he was 'coaching' her. After these visits, it took only a small while for Lili to go back to her normal self and she would kiss and hug Johan and later she called him 'Dada', although Dolf apparently thought that we told her to call him that, we never did. It was something she had learned from Johan's brother's stepchildren.

The arguments between me and Johan only became worse and worse until he too started to physically abuse me. It felt like history was repeating itself, he called me crazy and told me that he would make sure that I lost both of my children. I just couldn't stand hearing him call Lili 'a brat' or seeing him kick her toys around the room. I was afraid of Johan. He was alot stronger and had a bigger build than Dolf.

My parents never liked Johan, but whenever I phoned my mother and asked for them to help me get away, she told me that they weren't going to get involved and that I made my bed and should sleep in it. Johan even went so far as to phone my parents and tell them to come and get me, when they refused, he used it against me and told me that I was just as bad a parent as my parents were and that it was no wonder that I turned out to be such a whore.

On Lili's 3rd birthday, we went to a restaurant with the three children (I didn't know I was pregnant yet). I had to sit in the back with all three of them because Johan brought along a friend. On our way back home, an argument started when all the children wanted to sleep and they were uncomfotable. Johan shouted at me and when we dropped his friend off, he got abusive. I jumped out of the car with Lili and Johan gave me the pepper spray and told me that if he didn't stop, I could spray him. He didn't stop and I asked him to pull over the car, he didn't, so I turned the steering wheel so he couldn't keep driving. He hit me across the face and pulled my head back with my hair, I sprayed but it also affected his oldest daughter. I didn't care anymore, I ran away with Lili and people picked me up and dropped me off at my parents place. Next thing, Johan pulled up, with my parents and when my dad walked past me I heard him ask me..."Are you fucking crazy?" I went back home with Johan...

This was only one incident, there were many more and some I probably don't even remember, maybe I don't want to.

Johan's parents only made it worse. His mother would come meddling every time we had an argument, every time I was made out to be the one in the wrong. I was frustrated.

I used to write letters and poems to get rid of all my feelings, but I finally discovered that Johan's mom had been going through my things and she took all my writing. I discovered this when she too started threatening me that she would make sure that I would lose my children because I was mentally unstable and that my writing just proved it.

I didn't know what to do. My life was a living hell and I remember how I used to put Lili in bed and promised her that I would take her away...again history repeating itself.

Johan used to get angry because Lili followed me around, sit on my lap, and wanted me to stay with her until she fell asleep.

I told him that he was being unreasonable and that his oldest daughter was exactly the same with him...another argument. His mom came meddling again and she shoved me around. Then she phoned a friend of hers who lived nearby, a woman who used to be a nurse in a mental institution. This woman came there, hit me across the face more than once and she shoved me around. I kept screaming, I heard Johan's mother tell him that he should leave this woman because she knew how to handle people like me, insinuating ofcourse that I had a mental problem.

I couldn't take it anymore. It broke my heart to put my beautiful little girl through it but I also knew that she wouldn't be better off with her father.

Then I tried to commit suicide, twice. I thought that it would lead to one of two things, either me being dead and at least my little girl could lead a happier life, because I thought my parents would fight to get her in their custody...or it would be a cry for help. Not help because I was mentally unstable, but help to escape from the nightmare.

It's a nightmare

I'm still sleeping most of the time and the pain is only getting worse. The specialist that I was supposed to see today can't get to the island because it's too misty and the doctor told Andy's mom to take me to A&E if I get worse. I hate hospitals though, so I'd rather wait.

I tried phoning the social worker, but she isn't taking any phone calls today so I asked the woman who answered the phone to give her a message and explained to her what had happened.

Then I phoned Xaynee, she sounded so sad and I just started crying because everything is getting too much for me. Johan took the phone again and I mentioned to him that Dolf won't let me speak to Lili and he replied that if he can give me a tip...I'd better get back in South Africa, quick. He didn't want to say anything more and I told him that I really couldn't, I'm just too sick at the moment. Johan asked me to post him a letter stating that I really am sick 'to help me' and that made me angry so I accused him of working together with Dolf and I put down the phone.

Andy and his mom is so worried about me and I'm really trying not to show when I'm in pain, but sometimes it just gets too bad. I haven't told Andy yet, but I guess I should...I'm having pain in my kidneys too now.

I wish this nightmare would stop.

My Story Part Four

I found work after I moved to Pretoria and Dolf applied for a divorce. I had a written agreement with his attorney that Lili could visit him in Kuruman for two weeks every six months. He also had to pay R500 towards maintenance for Lili.

The first visit was a disaster. Dolf simply refused to bring Lili back to me and threatened to hurt me if I attempted to fetch her. In the end I paid R3 000 for protection to help me to get her back. When I got back in Pretoria, I took Lili to emergencies at the hospital, we knew something was wrong because she had a terrible fever. She had tonsilitis and a chest infection. I couldn't believe that Dolf never took her to a doctor. Dolf didn't contact Lili again for three months, the next visit went a little smoother though.

During July 2002, I became involved with a man who was thirteen years older than me. He was working with me and he was still married and had two children but his marriage ended long before we met. This man was Johan.

After a month or so his wife finally left him and since Johan's mom had mainly raised their children and he was living with them, she left her children there. I moved in with him but his parents made it clear that they didn't approve of me and Johan treated Lili badly. I left him after two months and went with Lili when she visited Dolf at the end of 2002.

During that visit, Dolf and his mother had a terrible argument after he didn't come home one night and she accused him of smoking marijuana.

When I got back in Pretoria, Johan begged me to go back to him and I did.

If only I knew then what hell I was gonna go through for the next 5 years......

One Day

I am happy

I have *you*

Even though you're far away

I know you're out there...somewhere

And that tonight when you dream

It may not be of me

But it doesn't matter

Nothing lasts forever

And in my heart

I have two little treasures

That belong to me

And one day

We will be together

Forever

xxx

South African Hospitals

Sooooooooooooooo.........

I needed to cheer myself up a bit and I thought a good SA joke would do it, I ended up on this site: GPSA

LOL nice way of reminding myself why I left South Africa...

Actual writings on Mpumalanga (Northern Transvaal - S.A.) hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

AnGrY, AnGrY, AnGrY!!!!!

Now I have just about flippen had it!

I phoned Lili on Dolf's cell and his wife answered. She told me that before I can speak to Lili, she wants to know something. So I listened.

She wanted my email address, so I told her that Dolf has it and she said they lost it and that Dolf's attorney wants it.

So I told her that I will sms it to them, with my address and contact details. I asked her again to speak with Lili and she kept saying that she wanted the details, so i said: "I just told you that I will sms it to you, anyway, why can't this attorney contact me himself?" (I was a bit annoyed to be honest).

She laughed and put down the phone, so I tried phoning again but they ignored it and switched off the phone and wouldn't answer the house telephone.

It's just wrong!!! They are not only doing this to me, they are doing it to my daughter as well, how could the court place her in their care???

I KNOW that what they are doing is against the law, but I nobody seems to want to help me.

Damnit!!!

My Story Part Three

One day Dolf phoned his parents while we were having an argument. I went outside when they arrived because I didn't feel up to arguing with them too. They left soon and when I went back in, I discovered that they had taken Lili with them. I ran to the police station and begged them for help but they wouldn't listen. I phoned my parents and they contacted someone at the police station who phoned Dolf's parents and told them to bring Lili there. When I got there, I took Lili and tried to walk out the door but a woman there told me that I have to talk to Dolf's parents first. I just wanted to get away, so I treid to push my way through the door but a police officer pulled me back so hard that it left bruises on my arm. The woman threatened to open a case of child abuse against me if I didn't talk to Dolf's parents, I felt helpless. There I was being forced into an argument after they didn't even help me when I reported that these people took my child.

I still remember the nights I used to put Lili in bed, how she cried and I promised her that I was going to take her away from all of that, then something happened.

Dolf started shoving me around one day while I had Lili in my arms, I begged and shouted at him to stop but that made him even more angry, until he finally threw me against the wall. I got up and ran away. I applied for a protection order against him. Lili had a bad bruise on her forehead from when he threw against the wall. My dad asked an ex-colleague of his if I could stay there for a while.

Dolf was clever. He went to the ACVV and got a social worker to work on our case. This social worker was the first of many and she opened the original file in which the truth about what was going on at the time was specified. She convinced me to go back to Dolf and promised me that she would help us work through our problems.

Less than a month after that, another argument led me to contact my parents to come and take me and Lili away. I took Lili and we moved to Pretoria to live with my parents on 13 October 2001, two days before what would have been our 2nd anniversary.

My Story Part Two

My Divorce

I was starting to get frustrated and lonely. Dolf was working for a courier business, he was only home every second day.

The fights and arguments didn't get any better and his parents made it worse. They too started threatening to take my baby away and told me I had a mental problem.

One day I snapped while Dolf was at work. I wanted to contact my parents but Dolf's mom hid the telephone. They started hiding it whenever I was alone at home. I was getting depressed and secluded myself by staying in our room with Lili.

Then one night I was feeding Lili her food and tried to put her to sleep. My food was in the kitchen but I wanted to get Lili in bed first. I heard Dolf's mom say that I was spiting myself by not eating. I got angry because that wasn't the case, but lost my appetite anyway.

The next day I saw my plate with my food standing in the kitchen, uncovered. That night they gave me the same food to eat. I demanded to phone my parents, Dolf wasn't there and his mom reverted to name-calling and refused to give me the telephone. I left the house and went to a collegue of Dolf's wife. We asked the police to take me to get some things for Lili. His father refused to even give me diapers or milk. I had no money and the police told me there was nothing they could do.

After that Dolf and I moved into our own place and things got even worse.

It started after Lili wouldn't stop crying one night...Dolf turned her onto her belly and gave her a hiding. I tried stopping him and he strangled me.

I knew that I would have to get away, I was afraid that he would hurt Lili again but I felt too ashamed to ask my parents for their help.

There was alot of physical violence and he used to leave bruises in places where no one could see. I tried locking him out of the house, so he just broke the window to gain access.

New year's eve in 2000 we went over to friends of his. I didn't like it as I wasn't drinking because I was still breastfeeding. I asked Dolf to take me home and he went back. When he finally came home, I knew he had smoked marijuana. He attacked me again because I tried to protect Lili from him that night.......

Things on my mind

I went for my ultrasound today. I was shocked to see just how damaged my liver really is and according to the doctor I have severe cirrhosis of the liver. I'm still waiting for them to get back to me about my blood tests.

Andy is really worried and I am feeling kinda guilty, I know he never really expected to see me like this.

I'm a bit upset with something his mom said today, but maybe I'm just being over-sensitive. She knows that Andy and I had a row with his brother and his girlfriend about the whole racist issue. Today she made it clear just how much she likes Andy's brother's girlfriend. I'm not bothered by the fact that she likes her, I just thought his mother would be more considerate. Andy has also started to talk to his brother again, I just can't forget what they said and I don't like his girlfriend. I won't pretend.

Another thing has been playing on my mind...

My parents.

Since that day I asked him to help me get Xaynee back and he replied in not so many words that I should go back and sort it out myself, I haven't heard from them. I did tell my dad that I was sick, he hasn't even bothered asking me how I'm doing.

How am I supposed NOT to be angry, sad and hurt?

At least I had the chance to talk to Xaynee tonight :o)

I do talk to you

By Jessica Soukup, 11/98



"I Do Talk To You"
I know you can't hear me....but I do talk to you.
And I hear everything you say to me too.
I hear when you laugh when I do something funny
I hear you yell "Hooray" when I try so hard
I hear you tell others how you'd never trade me for the world
Even with all the trials I came with.
I hear you thank God for what a blessing you have been given.
I hear you encourage me when I can almost do it
I hear you cry, too, when it gets a little harder
And when you ask God "Why?!" your baby
And I know you know I understand somehow.
And you know I listen when you talk to me too
But, I want you to know, mom...........
I do talk to you.

My Story - Part One

My Marriage

I met Dolf when I was only 15 years old, I should've known then from his violent behaviour and excessive drinking that it was not the right thing to stay with him, but I was a rebellious teenager and he was a manipulator.

Have I known then what I know now, I might have made different choices, but I was young and naive.

The early signs was already there...
Whenever I left him, he'd threaten to commit suicide and told me that he couldn't live without me. He used to say that if he couldn't have me, then no one will.

By the time I fell pregnant at 17, he had his hold on me. He had been emotionally and physically abusing me from the start, but ignorance caused me not to recognise it. He had strangled, hit me and threatened me, I stayed with him because I felt ashamed. My mom had been right...she never liked him.

We got married on 15 October 1999 when I was already 3 months pregnant with Lili. My parents only wanted the best for me and my child so they paid the rent for our apartment and Dolf only had to provide in terms of food etc. I was studying Marketing through a correspondence college then.

I thought the abuse would stop while I was pregnant...I was wrong. He hit me, kicked me and threatened me with a knife and whenever I screamed he told me I was crazy and that he'd get me locked up in a mental institution and then he'd take the baby. I lived in fear. By that time he had already estranged me from all of my friends and I told nobody. He came home drunk a couple of times, I tried not to fight...I was afraid for my baby.

After Lili was born, everything got even worse. Dolf had no patience and I had to get up and nurse Lili in the other bedroom, he got angry when she cried.

I loved my baby to bits and it broke my heart to hear her screams whenever Dolf was hurting me.

One day one of my old college friends came by to see Lili and she asked me to go home with her, she wanted her mom to see Lili. I did, but when Dolf came home and I wasn't there, he phoned me and told me to get myself home immediately. When I got home, I could see the anger in his eyes. Lili was hungry, so I sat down on the bed to feed her. She was lying in my arms when I felt him slap me across my face. I didn't react, just held Lili closer.

Sometimes when I screamed he used to put his hand in my mouth, scratching it inside. It hurt. Still...I kept quiet. I was too afraid that he'd take my baby away.

Then things changed...

My mother could no longer afford to pay her part of our rent, so we moved into a bigger place with her, My dad and my brothers came to visit us from Pretoria, as we were living in Bloemfontein then.
They were all downstairs when Dolf and I started arguing upstairs while I was giving Lili a bath. Dolf hit his fist against the wall just above Lili's head and everyone came storming up and grabbed him away from me and Lili.

That night Dolf told me that if I didn't move with him to Kuruman, he would open a case of assault against my dad and my brothers. The next day we moved to Kuruman into his parents' house.

For two months I had no contact with anyone....

*~Xaynee-Leigh~*

She was 'different' from the start...as though she never 'belonged'
I've seen her make people smile and make people cry
I've seen people being cruel and making comments
It made me angry and it made me cry

One day we were standing outside a supermarket and a woman walked by
I heard her say to her friend...

″Look at that big baby still wearing a bib″
I felt so angry that I wanted to walk straight up to this woman
I wanted to give her a piece of my mind
I wanted to insult her and humiliate her
Xaynee was only four years old, but I saw nothing less than an angel in her
How could this woman be so insensitive and cruel?
That night I cried myself to sleep

The next day I kept seeing this woman in my thoughts
She didn't look young, so I thought to myself...
Does she even have children?

We all want perfect children, right?
I have one
She can't say many words, maybe twenty
But she knows 'Please' and 'Thank you' and when to use them
She gives people hugs and kisses
People she hardly knows, and she means it
She cuddles up to you and hugs you when you're crying
She laughs with you when you laugh

She never wakes you in the morning on a weekend
She goes to the kitchen and make herself a sandwich
Then she finds something to do until you wake up

She doesn't fight like other children, she can't speak
She can't run like other children, so she helps you in the house
Does any mother have what I have?

I don't care that she can't eat without spilling some food
I don't care that she still wears diapers
I don't care that I sometimes have to carry her
I don't care that she has tantrums
I don't care that she can't do the things that other children do
Angels are meant to be different
They radiate love
They look at you and they don't see a face or a body
No, angels were given a gift...
They can sense what's right from wrong
They can sense what's true and false
And they can sense what's love and hate
My little angel was given that gift

All I want is to feel her hugs and kisses again
To play with her during the day
To dance with her in my arms to all her favourite songs
And to put her in bed at night

All I want...

All I wish for...

Is to have my little angel back

Waiting. . .

I haven't heard anything from the social worker yet, but at the moment I an trying to just be patient and not worry about it too much. I have been sleeping alot lately, so I don't have much time to think and maybe it's just as good.

I went to the doctor this morning and they are doing blood tests and tomorrow I'll be going for an ultrasound of my liver. I feel a little guilty because it's expensive and even Andy's mom has been paying. I've never been cared for in such a way, not even by my parents, so it's kind of hard to get used to it without feeling guilty.

I've been missing Xaynee alot these past couple of days, I just hope that she's ok. I'm living with all this guilt inside of me for the way I was never really there for her because I was so heartbroken over Lili. I want so badly to make it up to her and give her the kind of life she will have over here. She will be treated the way she is supposed to be treated and that is all I want for my little angel. She deserves it.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!

I'm so happy and excited right now that I'm actually trembling.

I just got off the phone after talking to Child Welfare in Bloemfontein and I spoke to the nicest and friendliest social worker I've ever come across.

She took Dolf's telephone number and she is going to phone him to set up an appointment to speak to Lili.

I'm feeling so much better, I hope that this social worker will see what is really going on.

Life in Guernsey

I've had alot of people from South Africa ask me how it is to live here. In a way I can understand that, the first time I heard that Andy lived on an island it sounded so strange lol I guess I pictured it a whole lot different.

Well, here are a few pictures:

To describe it in my own words...it's like a cross between Bloemfontein's old historical buildings, Namakwaland's daisies, and Cape Town's cold sea and I'm in love with the island :o)



Lancresse Bay



Belvoir Lane, Herm

(Herm is one of Guernsey's sister islands and can clearly be seen from Guernsey)



Brecqhou

(Another one of Guernsey's sister islands, owned by the Barclay brothers)



The Cliffs at Petit Bot, there are small caves in the cliffs, Andy showed them to me the other day.



The Fairy Ring

(Apparently this was used by witches and there are alot of myths about it)



Fermaine Bay



Fort Grey at night

(And before you ask, the sunsets really do look like that, it's beautiful. There are many of these Forts on the island which was built when they were invaded by Germany)



Jethou Sunrise

(Jethou is another sister island of Guernsey)




Lihou Island

(At low tide, Lihou forms part of Guernsey and it is possible to walk to there, but at high tide, it is an island on it's own)



Walkway to Lihou Island



The Little Chapel

(It is so small, it looks like a doll's house and you can barely stand up straight in it. Inside, there is a book where people and especially children write messages, next to the book you can see anything from jewellery to money left by visitors)



Road in Sark

(Sark is yet another sister island of Guernsey)



Soldiers Bay



View of Herm and Jethou



Castle Cornet



The shadow on the horizon is France



Herm, Jethou and Sark.

(That day it was raining in Guernsey and it was sunny over there)



The Bridge or 'mini-town'



The high street in town



Town Church

So there you have it, my own little perfect paradise :o)

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mothers Day in South Africa. I guess I'm happy that I slept for most of the day, I just didn't want to experience it.

It just hurts so much, just thinking that my daughter probably gave her stepmother a card or present while her dad is too selfish to allow me to even talk to her.

Saturday I tried phoning Lili again. At first they didn't answer the home telephone so I tried Dolf's cellphone again and Lili answered. She hardly answered before I heard her dad shouting in the background that she should ask me why I didn't phone on Thursday. I explained to Lili but she admitted that it was her dad who wanted to know and not her. Lili understands, she knows about my illness and that I'm not very well. I just wish someone would open their eyes and see that she isn't happy. I can hear it in her voice and it breaks my heart.

I didn't phone my mom though, I'm still angry about Xaynee. I feel disgusted by my parents' attitude, so they shouldn't expect too much from me.

Andy's mom is such a wonderful, easy-going person. Sometimes I have to keep myself from wishing that my mother was more like her. I don't think Andy appreciates his mother enough and he knows it, so I know that I'm going to pay for this later (he reads my blog behind my back lol).

That reminds me, I kinda 'forced' him to start a blog again. I used to love his blog entries, it was an easy way to get inside his head hehe

Well, this post went from depressing to happy, that's just how my moods go. Poor Andy, I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes.

I'm really proud of him though, he's gone out and proved to me that he will work to keep me here and that meant alot to me. He's also happy in his work, and that is all I really want for him, even though I get lonely when he isn't here.

My Story Part Five

Johan and I moved into another house, one we called the 'old house', but it was on the same smallholding as where his parents lived. In fact, the houses were only 30 meters apart.

His children stayed in his mother's house but Lili decided to stay with us.

On 12 August 2003 Xaynee-Leigh was born. Johan and Lili weren't getting along very well though and it led to numerous arguments, Lili was especially 'afraid' whenever she came back from a visit with her dad. I was too naive and ignorant back then to have recognised the signs that he was 'coaching' her. After these visits, it took only a small while for Lili to go back to her normal self and she would kiss and hug Johan and later she called him 'Dada', although Dolf apparently thought that we told her to call him that, we never did. It was something she had learned from Johan's brother's stepchildren.

The arguments between me and Johan only became worse and worse until he too started to physically abuse me. It felt like history was repeating itself, he called me crazy and told me that he would make sure that I lost both of my children. I just couldn't stand hearing him call Lili 'a brat' or seeing him kick her toys around the room. I was afraid of Johan. He was alot stronger and had a bigger build than Dolf.

My parents never liked Johan, but whenever I phoned my mother and asked for them to help me get away, she told me that they weren't going to get involved and that I made my bed and should sleep in it. Johan even went so far as to phone my parents and tell them to come and get me, when they refused, he used it against me and told me that I was just as bad a parent as my parents were and that it was no wonder that I turned out to be such a whore.

On Lili's 3rd birthday, we went to a restaurant with the three children (I didn't know I was pregnant yet). I had to sit in the back with all three of them because Johan brought along a friend. On our way back home, an argument started when all the children wanted to sleep and they were uncomfotable. Johan shouted at me and when we dropped his friend off, he got abusive. I jumped out of the car with Lili and Johan gave me the pepper spray and told me that if he didn't stop, I could spray him. He didn't stop and I asked him to pull over the car, he didn't, so I turned the steering wheel so he couldn't keep driving. He hit me across the face and pulled my head back with my hair, I sprayed but it also affected his oldest daughter. I didn't care anymore, I ran away with Lili and people picked me up and dropped me off at my parents place. Next thing, Johan pulled up, with my parents and when my dad walked past me I heard him ask me..."Are you fucking crazy?" I went back home with Johan...

This was only one incident, there were many more and some I probably don't even remember, maybe I don't want to.

Johan's parents only made it worse. His mother would come meddling every time we had an argument, every time I was made out to be the one in the wrong. I was frustrated.

I used to write letters and poems to get rid of all my feelings, but I finally discovered that Johan's mom had been going through my things and she took all my writing. I discovered this when she too started threatening me that she would make sure that I would lose my children because I was mentally unstable and that my writing just proved it.

I didn't know what to do. My life was a living hell and I remember how I used to put Lili in bed and promised her that I would take her away...again history repeating itself.

Johan used to get angry because Lili followed me around, sit on my lap, and wanted me to stay with her until she fell asleep.

I told him that he was being unreasonable and that his oldest daughter was exactly the same with him...another argument. His mom came meddling again and she shoved me around. Then she phoned a friend of hers who lived nearby, a woman who used to be a nurse in a mental institution. This woman came there, hit me across the face more than once and she shoved me around. I kept screaming, I heard Johan's mother tell him that he should leave this woman because she knew how to handle people like me, insinuating ofcourse that I had a mental problem.

I couldn't take it anymore. It broke my heart to put my beautiful little girl through it but I also knew that she wouldn't be better off with her father.

Then I tried to commit suicide, twice. I thought that it would lead to one of two things, either me being dead and at least my little girl could lead a happier life, because I thought my parents would fight to get her in their custody...or it would be a cry for help. Not help because I was mentally unstable, but help to escape from the nightmare.

Some of my first blogs

Lol they're not good, actually they SUCK, but it kinda brings back memories :0)

Keep in mind that they are short due to the fact that I was using a cellphone that only allowed 500 characters in a blog at a time.

My first alias I used was 'Dune'. Of course because I absolutely love the Dune novels written by Frank Herbert. That alias is now blocked lol and unfortunately the blogs only go back to about November 2006 (I had the bad habit of deleting my blogs). Oh...and excuse the language hehe

Dune 1
Dune 2
Dune 3
Dune 4
Dune 5
Dune 6

'Angelzbreeze' Blog:

Angelzbreeze 1
Angelzbreeze 2
Angelzbreeze 3
Angelzbreeze 4
Angelzbreeze 5
Angelzbreeze 6
Angelzbreeze 7

'Xanthe' Blog:

Xanthe 1
Xanthe 2
Xanthe 3

You see this <-- picture? That's me today. I'm frustrated and angry. No wait, I'm furious.

Actually, I've calmed down a bit but I can still feel the anger. Still, it's no use.

I tried phoning Lili earlier...no answer.

I phoned Dolf's cellphone, his home, his cellphone, his home, his wife, then his home again. No answer.

At least, now Lili knows and even though I didn't phone on Thursday because I was too sick and I was mostly sleeping, today I won't stop and Monday I am phoning the social worker. It's a bit of a consolation to know that I have a social worker to talk to now.

Then I tried phoning Johan to speak to Xaynee. Again, he wasn't with her and I'm starting to wonder about that. He tried to keep me on the phone, trying to manipulate and intimidate me again. I told him that I'm sick and that I'm in no state to go back at the moment so he backed off a little. He said that he'll give me a missed call when Xaynee is with him, I'm still waiting...

Quote From Long Ago

I once read this quote in a book when I was still a teenager. It meant alot to me, it still does because it is just so true...

„If I am I, because you are you
And you are you, because I am I
Then I am not, and you are not
But if I am I, because I am I
And you are you, because you are you
Then I am, and you are″

What it clearly comes down to is that you can't be considered as a person in your own right if you are the way you are because of someone else or their actions or treatment towards you.

Why do I blog?

I never asked myself the question really. Today I did, for some strange reason.

Most people have different motives for blogging, my reason wouldn't be that unique as I thought, I guess.

When I started, more than two years ago, I had different reasons than I do now. I was caught up in an abusive relationship, with a very obsessed and possessive man who hardly allowed me to have contact with my parents, much less have friends.

I used to write down my thoughts, sometimes in the form of a letter. I remember writing poetry, back then I had no access to the internet and the closest I could get was by using WAP on my cellphone.

One day I was searching something on google, I was depressed at the time, not to mention angry and frustrated. I stopped writing poetry and letters etc. because this man would go out of his way to find the things I wrote and they (him and his mother) told me that it just showed how unstable I am and they hid everything to use against me.

I stumbled across a blog on a mobile chat site, I knew that I could use that as a way to write again, without them ever knowing. There it began and it was on that same mobile site that I met Andy, my fiance.

When I started this blog, I was focused on my relationship. Then I moved to Guernsey and decided to keep on blogging, but for a different reason.

I use it as a type of journal, that helps me to remember all the small details as I know I'm going to need it when I have to go to court again. My other reason and possibly the most important reason, is so that I can show my children the truth one day. Here I may be able to edit, but I won't be able to change everything.

Ofcourse it also helps me to get rid of my anger and frustration, I have to admit that I feel alot better after writing a blog in which I threw a huge tantrum ;o) hehe

I have decided a while ago to tell my story as it happened, I soon will and then I'm going to start a bit of poetry and maybe focus on a few different topics that affected my life.

At least it keeps my mind busy and I don't get so depressed when I blog because I have less time to be negative.

Just plain fed up!

It's times like these that I tend to wonder 'Why me?'

Yeah...It's just another 'I am feeling sorry for myself' blog entry.

Everything just seems to be going wrong with me at the moment and I'm really getting stressed.

It started when Andy's mom noticed that I'm looking yellow this morning. Then it hit me and I just wanted to cry...NOT AGAIN!

I should've known really, I know the symptoms by now... The tiredness, the nausea, loss of appetite, water retention, then the yellow colour...everywhere.

In 1996 I had jaundice for the first time. The doctor ran a few tests but didn't really bother with it. In 1997 I had it again, only this time I was placed under quarantine in the hospital for two weeks. They did every possible test they could, but they couldn't tell me what was wrong with me and it cost my dad a fortune. In 1998 my dad took me to a Homeopath who couldn't tell me much except that my lives was badly damaged. He treated me and after that I was fine until I had jaundice again in 2000. Once again the doctor had no idea what was wrong with me. After that, I gave up going to the doctor even though I had jaundice twice. The problem was that I tested negative for every hepatitis they tested me for, like hepatitis A, B and C. In 2004 I started going yellow and the jaundice was followed by water retention, People thought that I was pregnant, I looked terrible. Finally Johan took me to the hospital. I knew something was seriously wrong because I had never been that sick before. It was a state hospital, we didn't have a medical aid. To my surprise, the doctor diagnosed me and I had a name for my illness.

Auto-immune hepatitis.

In short, my immune system attacks my liver. It is genetic and can't be cured but it can be controlled by steroids. The doctor gave me a 6-month supply of steroids but by the time I had to go back, Johan couldn't care less about my illness and never took me to see the doctor again. I did get jaundice again after that. but it never got as bad as it did back then.

Now, for some reason, it came back and I'm feeling sicker by the day. The pain is terrible and I'm always tired. Andy's mom made an appointment for me to go and see the doctor on Tuesday. Fortunately I told Andy about my illness even before we met and he always promised me that he would get me treated over here. Somehow I just feel that he doesn't realise that it is going to get alot worse than this. I'm also feeling guilty, I didn't want this to happen over here.

The other thing that has really upset me is that I sent my dad an email this morning, asking him to go and see the Commissioner of Child Care at the court that took Xaynee out of my care. I asked him to inform them that the social worker is ignoring my emails and that Johan won't allow me to talk to Xaynee now because I refused to give him money.

My dad sent me a long reply. I should've known that it would happen... He told me that he understands that I'm sad because I can't talk to my children but that I should keep in mind that I'm dealing with two people that have no respect for the law or anyone else i.e. Johan and Dolf. He told me that he doesn't know what my agreement regarding Xaynee entails (as if I wouldn't explain everything) and that Dolf only has Lili in his care because the court needed to remove her from the danger i.e. Johan. He told me that Dolf is going to try to prove to the court that I wasn't exercising my parental responsibilities, because I left the country and didn't inform the court that my circumstances regarding Johan had changed and that the danger wasn't there anymore. He also said that I should go back and get an attorney and get my children back and THEN make a decision regarding my future. He reckons that Andy and his family would feel the same way.

I was angry and I cried.

Doesn't anyone understand? I replied my dad's email and told him to drop everything.

To any person out there, it would sound like my dad is right. Problem is, he doesn't know shit!

So why am I really so angry?

Because my dad only changed his attitude when I asked him to help me with XAYNEE. My parents never accepted her. Whether it's because of her disability or because of who her father is, I don't know and I don't care. My child doesn't deserve the treatment they always gave her. Even Andy could see how cruel my mom was with Xaynee. It's wrong. I've never hated my parents or blamed them more than now. I'm not the type who blames others for my own wrong-doings and I know that you have to suffer the consequences of your own actions, but maybe if my parents cared a little more and maybe helped me all the times I phoned them and asked them to get me and my children away from Johan, I wouldn't be in this situation.

It's so easy for them to tell me to get an attorney, they don't realise that it can and probably will cost me in the region of about R50 000. I'm not allowed to work over here and I can't exactly expect Andy to give me the money, even though he would if he could.

I'm trying everything I can and we're trying to save as much money as possible, what do people expect me to do?

To make it even worse, I'm really sick and probably won't be able to leave the island even if I wanted to.

I don't know...everything is closing in on me. At the moment I can't even think straight, due to my illness. I get dizzy and confused and I can't do much more than focus on getting better for now I guess.

About my daughter with special needs..

During July 2004, my life changed.

Me and my ex-fiance, Johan, went out for dinner and we were on our way home. That whole day I kept thinking about the terrible dream I had the night before. I woke up 11 times, almost screaming. It was strange, all I could remember was this strong, cold wind blowing against my face, it took my breath away.

We had just picked up our daughter who was almost a year old and we were halfway home on the R573 to Kwa-Mhlanga. We were living on a smallholding with his parents at the time.

I remember having Xaynee in my arms, she was sound asleep and I was tired.

Then...

I heard a crashing sound, then...the wind...

I looked down and there the windscreen of the car lay on my baby girl. I panicked. Johan and I lifted the windscreen and pushed it down, Xaynee just lay there...staring at us. Her face was covered in blood.

A car stopped behind us and reality kicked in.

The people in the car jumped out and ran towards us as I opened my door. They were black, but I was thankful, the man said he knew we were within the speed limit. The woman took Xaynee from me as I got out and fainted.

I knew what had happened as I regained consciousness. We ran over someone. I felt angry, all I could think was 'What did he do in the middle of the road at nearly 23:00?'

A crowd was building up around us. I was scared as I saw people taking things from our car. I finally grabbed Xaynee and sprayed pepper spray into the car to keep people out.

I knew I had a couple of cuts and bruises, but I was worried about Xaynee. She hadn't meed a sound since the accident happened. The ambulance took us to state hospital as we had no medical aid.

At the hospital the nurse gave me a piece of cotton wool and toilet tissue to clean Xaynee's face and head. I felt relieved when they told me that the blood on her was actually the blood from a cut in my face and she only had a small cut behind her ear.

But...

She had a terrible bump on the right side of her head.

They took x-rays, but never gave us the results and just told us we should go, they needed the space another emergency.

We went home and carried on, thankful to be alive after seeing how our car looked and Johan was found not-guilty of manslaughter.

Little did we know...

As Xaynee was growing up, I had a suspicion that something was wrong. We took her to the GP, but he only referred us to a peadiatrician and we couldn't afford that.

Xaynee was drooling alot and I had to keep her bib on to keep her from getting chest infections. Then she started walking. At first, she had no balance, then...she started walking on the tip of her toes only with her left foot.

Finally, someone told us to get her evaluated, this person told us that Xaynee was Hemiplegic and the evaluation proved it.

I fell asleep crying that night. Why was life so cruel?

We suspect that the Hemiplegia was caused by the accident as the injury she had was on the right side of her head and her left side was now semi-paralysed.

Xaynee is almost 5 years old now and despite her disability, she is a little angel.

I must admit that there were times that I felt scared. How was I going to raise a disabled child?

We sent Xaynee to a School for Disabled Children in Pretoria. There she is undergoing physiotherapy and speech therapy.

Xaynee still can't walk or talk like a normal child, but she taught herself and us how to communicate with her. She only says short, easy words like mommy.

I have seen many disabled children at her school and I am thankful for having such a clever and intelligent daughter. She does get frustrated and that leads to 'tantrums', but everyone loves her.

What is hemiplegia?

Hemiplegia literally means paralysis of half of the body. When someone has hemiplegia ('hemi' means 'half' in Greek) it is because one of the hemispheres of the brain has been damaged, usually before, during or soon after birth. Childhood hemiplegia is a relatively common condition, affecting up to one child in a thousand.

How does hemiplegia occur?

The causes of congenital hemiplegia are mostly unknown, and usually parents become aware of their child's hemiplegia gradually during his or her infancy. There is a higher risk in premature babies, and it is unclear whether a difficult birth may be an occasional factor. In most cases, however, the damage occurs during pregnancy, and researchers have as yet been unable to isolate any contributory factors - in other words, it would appear to be mostly a matter of chance. Parents often worry that they may be somehow to blame, but this is not the case.

Acquired hemiplegia results from damage to the brain during childhood. The most common cause is a stroke (when a bleed or blood clot damages part of the brain), but it can also result from an accident or infection

What are the effects of hemiplegia?

It is difficult to generalise: hemiplegia affects each child differently. The most obvious result is a varying degree of weakness and lack of control in the affected side of the body, rather like the effects of a stroke. In one child this may be very obvious (he or she may have little use of one hand, may limp or have poor balance), in another child it will be so slight that it only shows when attempting specific physical activities

What can be done to help?

Hemiplegia cannot be cured, but a lot can be done to minimise its effects. Your child, once diagnosed, will probably be referred to a Child Development Centre (CDC) or the children's department of your local or regional hospital, where therapists will work with you to develop his or her abilities.

The immature brain is very flexible, and many of the functions of the damaged area can be taken over by undamaged parts of the brain. So whilst an adult who has a stroke loses very specific functions, depending on which part of the brain was affected, in children and young people with hemiplegia it makes relatively little difference to their general development which area of the brain was damaged.

Your child's treatment will probably be based on a multi-therapy approach, involving physiotherapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy where necessary. Therapists work closely with each other and with parents, teaching them exercises and techniques which they can continue to use at home, so that they become part of the child's everyday life.

In general the child with hemiplegia should be treated as normally as possible. However, it is essential to include the weaker side in play and everyday activities, to make your child as two-sided as he or she can be. As they get older, many children and young people with hemiplegia can be encouraged to develop better use of their weaker side through involvement in their chosen sports and hobbies

- Hemihelp

Unfortunately, my relationship with Xaynee's father ended due to verbal, emotional and physical. I was left without anything in his attempts to further destroy my life.
Xaynee was taken out of my care and placed in his foster care.

I will fight to have my little angel back. Since I have lost her, I came to realise that she taught me so much. She taught me to love unconditinally. She taught me that a smile can really make you feel better. She also showed me never to give up.

To my baby angel, I want to say...

Thank you Xaynee

Interesting phone call

When I woke up this morning, I felt irritated and I was lashing out at Andy for no apparant reason. Finally he asked me what waswrong and I told him...

I received an email from an attorney this morning who told me that it's going to cost me in the region of R50 000 to get Lili back in my care. I lay there thining...is it worth it and where are we gonna get the money?

Thoughts of the past kept racing through my head until I felt so depessed that all I wanted to do was give up this fight.

I told Andy that I didn't want to keep up the fight anymore. He tried to change my mind but after a while he just told me that he knew it must've taken alot of courage for me to just talk to him and he left it there.

I guess there must be a God out there who is looking out for me because I was given the most wonderful man on earth. Andy may have his faults but he has always supported me and he always understands. He never fights with me and he adores me, I wish Lili could meet him, I just know she is going to love him.

Later on today we went down to the beach and I had alot of time to think. I sat there thinking about how I ended up in this situation. All of a sudden I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to give up. I won't let my girls down. I wouldn't still be here if I wasn't meant to fight, would I?

Then, just before 18:00 our time, Dolf phoned. Mathew answered and he sid it was a guy, but when I heard Dolf's voice, I must admit, I nearly fell over.

I knew it wasn't going to be a friendly phone call, Dolf NEVER phones me.

He asked me: "What's your story now with you geting the welfare on my case?"

I told him: "I have nothing to say to you Dolf", to my surprise I remained calm.

He started shouting: "Well, you better start getting your crazy head together...", I didn't hear the rest, I simply put the phone down. I don't need his verbal abuse any longer.

When I told Andy, he thought of it exactly what I was thinking at the time...

Why was Dolf so angry that he would actualy go so far as to phone HERE, an international phone call, if he wasn't hiding something?

Maybe it's time...

After today... I just can't help thinking and feeling that it's time to give up on this fight. I've been fighting for so long and I have put my whole life on hold, I'm losing my fight against my illness and my depression slowly. I can feel myself slipping away. My heart breaks a little more every time I hear that people like my dad today, have spoken to Lili and they tell me that she sounds happy and content. Yet, the next day they press me for answers about what's going on with the social workers.

I just don't know anymore.

Today I phoned the Department of Social Development in Bloemfontein. I was given another telephone number then but there was no answer. I phoned back and forth while I was sitting there thinking...another dead-end street.

Eventually I phoned Child Welfare but the social worker was busy, so I spoke to a student there who took down all the details and told me that she will give it through to the social worker. So now it's another long wait...

I love my children so much, but this is starting to get to me. I don't think I'm ever going to get them back.

At least Andy proved today that he really is willing to work. He is going for an interview tomorrow morning.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, but at this stage I just feel that I'm fighting a losing battle. I can only give so much until there is nothing left to give.

My Sun Princess

My daughter Helicia's name is derived from the Greek god Helios. I used to call her my little sun princess.

She always loved fairies and stories about fairies and angels. When I saw this picture named Sun Fairy, a copyright from Danielle Fekete of Elfwood, I was staring at it, thinking about my little sun fairy and how she would love to see this picture.

Well, as it turns out, I phoned again tonight and my little girl answered the phone.

I was startle to hear her voice at first, but I was determined to let her know the truth and I told her that her father haven't been answering his phone. What shocked me was that she wasn't surprised, she knew. She said she wanted to talk to me but that she knows he hasn't been answering the phone. It's sad to think now how careful she was in answering my questions, she didn't want her father or step-mother to know. She also said that she was at home when I phoned earlier and sh asked me when I was comig back.

She was excited about her birthday present, I told her that it's a cellphone and told her that I'll give it to her when I'm back in SA. Andy wants to buy her a DS too, she is absolutely going to love it.

She told me that she wants to talk to my parents, I then asked her if it'll be ok if they phoned at 20:00 and she said: "mmm, uh uh", as if she knew she won't be allowed to talk to them. I told her that I'll ask my parents to phone tomorrow then and she said that would be ok. Most of her answers was "uh" for yes, or "uh uh" for no.

I feel so sorry for my daughter. She knows exactly what is going onand there is nothing she can do about it.

When I asked her about her school, she said that she is in Bloemfontein Primary School, and as far as I know, there is no such school in Bloemfontein. That means that she hasn't been placed back in school or she wasn't sure if she was allowed to tell me in which school she is.

I told her that she must remember what the social worker told her and that she doesn't have to tell her father anything about what we talked about. She just said yes. She sounded so happy to talk to me, but so sad about what is going on.

I wish I could just make everyting ok for her, I will keep on fighting and I won't give up. Not now, not ever.

After I spoke to her, I started crying, I didn't want her to hear me cry. I was too scared that if I upset her too much, she will start crying again and that Dolf will take the phone.

When is this going to end???

The Special Mother

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice,
a few by social pressure and a couple by habit.
This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.
Did you ever wonder how these mothers are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth
Selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation.
As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew."
"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia."
"Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a handicapped child a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wear off she'll handle it."
"I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of it's own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--ignorance, cruelty,
prejudice--and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
Because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air. God smiles.
"A mirror will suffice."

I read alot of articles about children with disabilities, especially about children with Hemiplegia, like Xaynee.
I read this poem the other day and it made me cry, thinking about how difficult it was at times being the mother of a child who can't walk or talk like a normal child and how close this poem came to describe how I even lost my faith in God.
I know now that my little angel taught me so much and that nothing can come close to describing the kind of love she radiates with every smile.

A flicker of hope?

Today I woke up a bit past 12 after I couldn't get myself to sleep last night. It was a if something kept bugging me. Ever since I was a little girl it used to happen to me when something was going to happen.

Well, today I tried phoning the Department of Welfare in Kuruman again but the woman at the switchboard said that there were no social workers in (again). After a while I tried phoning again and I was finally put through to a social worker. I felt so relieved but ended up in tears as I tried to explain my situation to this woman. Her name was Esmeralda.

I was in for the biggest shock in a long time though...

She told me that Dolf (my ex husband) is no longer living in Kuruman. I started crying almost incontrollably as I was trying to make her understand that I have been trying to get hold of Lili but that Dolf wouldn't pick up his phone. She sounded as though he didn't believe me and I felt so frustrated and that just made me cry even more. She gave me Dolf's new work telephone number and home telephone number.

Apparently one of my emails I have sent ended up at the Minister's office and that is the woman who emailed me back and asked me about Dolf's contact details, which I did send back to her but Dolf moved to Bloemfontein 3 weeks ago already and when they visited the house where he used to live, they weren't there.

Again I wasn't notified, but at least it looks like somebody is finaly starting to work on my case. At the moment I'm so scared of hoping because I had to go through so many disappointments already.

Anyway, I ended up handing the phone to Andy to speak to the social worker and he explained to her that I have been calling every day that I was allowed to but that Dolf wasn't answering the phone (he told them that I haven't been calling). So she asked Andy what he expeted them to do, since I'm not in South Africa and they can't take Lili out of Dolf's care and put her back in mine. Andy then told her that my parents were there and I gave her my parents' contact details.

Still, I can't help but be angry. Why didn't she tell me that they would consider taking Lili out of his care, even after I said that I would do anything, even go back to SA if I had to.

I phoned Dolf's house number then and his wife, Elsabe, aswered the phone. She said that Lili wasn't there and she was really rude to me. I asked her if they were going to answer the phone if I phoned later (she said Lili willbe back tonight) and she said that the only reason they haven;t been answering the phone is because I always phone from a different number.

Now that is bullshit (sorry, but I'm fed up and angry).

Dolf knows that I phone from a number that starts with +44 and I have been using the home telephone lately so that I can prove with the itemsed billing that I have been phoning. I also sent him an sms from my new cellphone number on Lili's birthday and asked him to pick up his phone an still he didn't answer.

I will try again in a moment, South Africa is an hour ahead of us, so I will see what happens. For some reason I don't have much hope of talking to her, but if I do, I WILL tell her the truth, even if it means that I wouldn't be allowed to speak to her again, at least she will know why.

To add to my anger, I phoned Johan to speak to Xaynee and he said he doesn't want me to talk to her anymore. He then started his normal verbal abuse and name-calling and I put down the phone on him, I will be going bck to South Africa, there is nothing that will keep me from seeing Xaynee then!

Arguments...

I can see another sleepless night coming. I'm getting more and more depressed every day. The hurt and pain is getting to me and I've been taking it out on Andy. I don't know how he puts up with this.
Friday night I went over to Catherine's and it all went wrong when all of them made Andy out to be lazy and irresponsible. I wanted to give up and go back to SA right then and there. I slept over there and didn't go home. I thought Andy had been lying to me but it turns out I got it all wrong. Still, we had a huge argument. When we finally talked things through I felt guilty. It was different for me, a normal argument. No violence or abuse.
Andy did promise me in the end that he'd go out on Tuesday and start looking for a steady work and I do want to trust him, but I have to admit that trust has always been an issue for me.

At the moment everything is just so difficult for me, I'm tired of ending up in dead-end streets. I'm tired of making phone calls and sending emails and never getting anywhere. When is this going to stop?

Sometimes I wonder

Is it ok if I feel sorry for myself?
Is it ok if I feel that I don't deserve this?
Is it ok if I just hate my life and want to die?

I guess not.

But...

I may have destroyed the one person that ever truly loved me's love for me tonight and even though I did what I thought best, I'm sad.

I gave Andy an ultimatum tonight and told him that either he starts working or I go back to South Africa.

He just doesn't seem to understand that I am feeling guilty, confused and angry and even here it is difficult for me to explain.

In South Africa, people will do almost anything to find a proper work to provide for their families. I remember going to sleep sometimes, crying because I didn't know where we were going to find the money to buy food. Always having to borrow money from my parents and go through customers treating me like shit, because I had to phone and ask for work basically. That, while Andy won't work for 200 pounds a week because he thinks it's crap work. Since I've been here, he has made no attempt to look for a steady job and that is getting to me. I am not allowed to work here without a visa and that makes me feel guilty for just being here.

Andy stormed out of the house in the end and I don't think he really cares what I'm going to do. He told me straight that I must just do what I want to do.

If I go back to SA, at least I can try to find work and fight to get my kids back, won't be easy though. I just hate being dependant of Andy and he's just waiting around for the next loose job to come around.

To top that, Johan asked me for money to take Xaynee to the doctor. I told him that I will ask my dad to take her and pay for it, he said that I had an attitude and that I won't speak to Xaynee ever again. He then called me a whore and a bad mother. He even dragged my parents into it by saying I'm just as bad a parent as they are. He also said I won't speak to Lili again. I stayed calm through it all, more because I'm so tired of all the fighting than because of anything else.

I wish I knew what to do and I feel so alone. I'm still angry because of everything that Andy's family has said about me and I feel like I don't belong here.

If there really is a God out there, I'm praying that he will help me. It hurts so much not to have my children with me, it feels like my heart's been ripped out and my life has no meaning anymore.

Tired of fighting

Last week Johan told me that the ACVV was looking for me because they want Dolf's contact number. I didn't believe him because the ACVV isn't working on Lili's case anymore but my dad told me that they phoned him as well on Monday. I phoned them and the woman said that the Department of Welfare can't het hold of Dolf on his cellphone, so they need his contact details. I'm confused about this and not sure if this is because I contacted the Department in Kimberley. So I was trying the whole morning to get hold of a social worker at the Department in Kuruman but they're never there and they are not phoning me back. I'm so tired of fighting and I really don't have the money for an attorney right now. I just don't know what to do! I've been thinking of getting a private social worker and I will be phoning one tomorrow. I just wish someone would help me!