I suppose all of us grow up with hopes and dreams. I wonder how many people ever get to turn their dreams into reality in such an imperfect world.

Sometimes I look at people who walk past me and I wonder what their lives are like. I've met so many people in my past, people I will probably never see again. I used to look at their way of life and listen to their stories and pretended to be like them... I never was though.

I'm feeling more and more depressed as the days go by. I thought it would be better once I'm here with Andy, but it's not and although I understand in a way why it isn't, there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I still look at my past every day and ask myself what I ever did to deserve this. I can't do this anymore. I just can't.

My Baby Angel x

I finally managed to get these pics of me and Xaynee on the PC of the last day I saw her before I left South Africa.

I miss her so much :(






I love you Xaynee

xxx

Disappointed and Angry

On 12 May this year I wrote on this blog how happy I was that I finally found a social worker who seemed to understand my situation. I was wrong, VERY wrong.

I'm referring to the social worker in Bloemfontein ofcourse, the one from the organisation I contacted when I had so much trouble getting hold of Lili.

Well, she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday and when I didn't hear anything from her by Tuesday, I phoned her office and asked for her to email me because she was busy. Yesterday I got her email and this was her reply:

"Ek het toe ‘n afspraak Maandag 21 Julie met die Kotze – egpaar gehad wat hulle nagekom het. Daaruit is besluit dat ons vir Alicia gaan assesseer en ‘n afspraak daarvoor is in Augustus verkry. Ons gaan haar forensies assesseer ten einde te let op die moontlike seksuele mishandeling wat in haar verlede plaasgevind het.



Ek wil net ook weer die rolle reg definieer. Ek is die herenigings werker wat ‘n diens aan Mnr Kotze verleen, m.a.w., ek moet hulle help dat Alicia suksesvol by hulle aanpas en aanbly. My verantwoordelikheid is dus grootliks by hulle. Dit het tot gevolg dat ek nie elke keer wat ek met hulle te doen gehad het vir jou terugvoer gaan gee nie. Die maatskaplike werker in Kuruman is seker nog by jou betrokke."

I was so upset by this that Andy couldn't take it anymore I guess coz he sent her an email telling her exactly what he thought of it all.

In the first place there is the assessment that they want to do on Lili. (Damn woman even spelled her name wrong.) Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against it being done but I'm a bit confused. If I remember correctly Lili was assessed BEFORE the court case in July last year? If the allegations is true, I swear I will probably kill Johan, but the part I really don't understand is why Dolf allowed Johan to speak to her on her birthday then while he was ignoring all of MY phone calls? Something just doesn't make sense.

Then there's her saying in the email that she is the REUNIFICATION worker and her responsibility lies mainly with Dolf and Elsabe. First of all, who contacted her in the first place FOR reunification services? Or will someone please define that word for me, coz I'm getting more and more angry and confused here.

Also, so that Lili can stay with them? Everyone seems to be forgetting that this was a TEMPORARY placement.

Then she comes out with the social worker in Kuruman which left me even more confused. Even if there WAS a social worker in Kuruman, what would she be able to do about it?

Oh, but here comes the best part. Yesterday I also received a letter from the ISS UK and the guy asked me for more details and so on. So I sent it to him and forwarded this email, but just as I was about to send it Andy noticed something strange.

She sent that email to the social worker I filed the complaint against in Pretoria and who is working on Xaynee's case as well! So I browsed through my inbox and saw that she's been doing this since 12 June.

I just don't see what the two social workers have to do with one another and why this was done. I have nothing to hide, but why can social workers not be trusted? And how the hell did these two come across one another?

I'm considering my options here, but I'm to angry to be making any decisions right now. The guy from ISS UK knows that I'm questioning the integrity of the social workers in SA, but what can I do about it?

All I wanted was to be sure that I would be able to see Lili. I was even willing to leave Lili in Dolf's care at one point, but now I'm not so sure. It is clear that he got the social worker exactly where he wants her through his lies once again and I'm getting fed up.

I know for a fact that Dolf can not have changed. He was violent and abusive even before I met him and he was the same after I left him from what I could gather from the woman he used to be engaged to who I met at the court that day. Men like that don't change overnight. Problem is that there is no way that I can prove that Lili's behaviour is caused by him and not the past. Not while she is being manipulated.

There is nothing I can do. Again.

It is 3:00 am in the morning again and I can't sleep. I'm watching recorded Star Trek episodes just to keep my mind occupied. Although I can't post about what happened yesterday right now because I'm using my phone to post this I'm really upset. I really don't know how much more of this I can take and I don't think Andy realizes just how much this is affecting me. Every morning I wake up with the hope that some solution will come out of nowhere and that all the pain and hurt will go away. Every day that passes is filled with thoughts of my children and how much I miss them and want them to be with me. Every day I cry tears that my children will never see and they don't know or even realize that without them I feel an emptiness that can never be filled. I try not to remember small things anymore because it hurts. It's difficult to describe to someone what I mean by 'hurt'. It's almost like a physical pain which just tears me apart inside. It leaves me crying for hours every day but I can't give up.

Patience

They say patience is a virtue. Hmmm...

In my view it is some damn way to see how far they can push me coz this is REALLY starting to work on my nerves and I'm gonna lose the plot if this continues.

The social worker in Bloemfontein was supposed to get back to me after she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday. No guessing about whether she did get back to me hey? No she didn't. Ok, so I thought I'd phone yesterday to hear what happened, because she apparently wanted to listen 'what his story was' because he 'had his own plans'. Whatever that may mean. I suppose it's got something to do with getting custody of Lili.

Well, so I phoned and the woman at the switchboard told me that the social worker was busy. I left her a message to please get back to me about what happened via email. It's already 10:00 am SA time and I still haven't received and email.

I also tried to phone Xaynee yesterday morning but Johan had already taken her to school. He said I could phone at 13:00, but when I phoned at about 14:00 his phone was off. How nice.

I've finally discovered the new Children's Act on the internet and I know what the new law says now. Took me a while but at least I'm getting there. I've been looking at it and I'm considering tracking LeRoy down. I've been looking at the dates for the first time without feeling guilty and I know that it is almost impossible for Johan to be Xaynee's father. Actually, I've been looking at it in various ways and when I started looking at Xaynee's photos I saw the resemblance for the first time. It is probably the best and easiest way for me to get her back, even if I have to subpoena LeRoy to appear in court. He won't want anything to do with her anyway, so I really couldn't care less. I'm not sure, but I think that the court may order for DNA tests to be carried out and that is my main concern, although I still don't think that Johan will be the father, it is the time that is worrying me. We're not gonna be in SA for that long and even waiting for Xaynee's passport (when I can finally apply for it without a father's consent) is going to be a problem.

I've got alot of worries piling up at the moment, including my visa. The fees have gone up again and it's gonna cost us R8240, which is about 500 pound. I just hope I get it coz the UK is so damn strict.

Lately Mathew and I have been getting along alot more like we used to and Andy and I have been ok, except for the times when I get really depressed and take it out on him, but that never last very long. My baby understands me better than anyone :o)

Finally feeling better

Another night went by and I didn't sleep. I'm torturing myself really, I know it and I still do it.
I've been so depressed and moody the past week that I'm almost surprised that Andy hasn't put me on a plane back to SA yet. Sometimes I felt so guilty about the way I was treating him, but mostly my anger and frustration took over. He just kept to himself mostly and waited until I calmed down and eventually break down and cried then he just held me in his arms. I know that I would never be so lucky again to get a man like him and that I probably don't appreciate him enough, but it's as though the time of going back to SA is draawing closer, the more it is affecting me. Andy is the one who keeps me strong and he always make me see things more positively. I feel like a cruel person.

I phoned Lili again last night and for the first time in ages I could recognise my child speaking to me. We had a long conversation and she sounds so excited to see me that it made me miss her even more. I promised her that I would bring her some PC games and DVDs because I know how much she loves watching DVDs and she started playing on the PC when she was only 2 years old. She even sounds excited to meet Andy and she said that she will speak english if she has to, she doesn't mind and she understands that he doesn't understand Afrikaans.

I went to see the specialist on Wednesday and he changed the dosage of my medication again. My water retention is still bad but it seems to be getting better and the specialist was happy with the results of my blood tests. It did upset me when he said that a liver transplant later on in the future is more a probability than a possibility, but then again I expected it and I really couldn't care less about my health at the moment as my main concern is my children and nothing else.

I started emailing people again after my previous post and finally got a reply from the Department of Social Development in SA. They said I should contact ISS UK. I stared at the email and the only thing that went through my head was WHAT THE FUCK???

I mean I contacted ISS UK in May already and they told me that they couldn't help me. So I forwarded that email I received from ISS UK to the Department of Social Development and they contaced ISS UK which in turn emailed me and told me that they understood that I was going back to SA permanently and that was why they said they couldn't help me. What bullshit. I mean really!! I made it clear to the damn woman that I was engaged to Andy and everything, I guess she was just covering her ass but I left it there. Then the guy asked me for the Children's Court order. Luckily I requested it to be sent to my dad about a month ago, not sure why now to be honest but I;m glad I did. I emailed the guy the whole background story about Lili and Xaynee together with the court order, but they are moving their offices and he probably won't reply before the 22nd. So now I'm waiting again.

The reason I couldn't sleep AGAIN was that except for feeling really crap, my head keeps racing and I'm trying to think of ways to get Xaynee back in my care. I've been on the net the whole night, just looking at the law and how it affects my case. I can't remember where I got the info that Johan had to give his consent if I wanted to take Xaynee out of SA because he is registered as her natural father, I think someone must have SAID it to me because all of the laws and the sites I've looked at says that I don't need his consent. Everything is just so confusing when it comes to SA, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I still think that I'm just going to go with trying to get Johan's name removed from the birth register. Guess I'll have to see what happens in court, that is if someone gets back to me SOME day with a new date that is. They are just so damn pathetic in that damn country it makes me want to scream when I have to pick up the phone.

I went one step higher with the complaint regarding the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case as well. I emailed the director at the head office of the organisation she is working for and threatened them with the SACSSP. They actually sent me a reply just to acknowledge receipt of my complaint and said they will investigate it and reply as soon as possible. I was really surprised. Still, it just goes to show you to what extremes you have to go to just to get something done. Nothing is easy when it comes to SA.

I'm sad. I'm angry.

I feel helpless and I just want to cry.

The following video is for my two little girls.

If I never get the chance to see them again, I just want them to know that I have and always will love them.

If you hear a voice in the middle of the night
Sayin’ it’ll be alright
It will be me

If you feel a hand guiding you along
When the path seems wrong
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

If there is a key that goes to your heart
A special part
It will be me

If you need a friend
Call out to the wind
To hold you again
It will be me

Oh how the world seems so unfair
Creating a love that can not be shared
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

Past the ever after there’s a place for two
In your tears of laughter
I’ll be there for you

In the sun and the moon
In the land and the sea
Look all around you
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
It will be me
It will be me...

Aanvaarding

Nadat ek gister weer met Lili gepraat het en dit my vreeslik ontstel het om haar te hoor se dat sy nie vir die vakansie wanneer ek daar is weer soos laas jaar na my ouers toe wil gaan sodat ons almal daar kan bly vir die vakansie nie, het ek laat gisteraand gaan stap en dit was donker teen die tyd dat Andy my gebel het en vir my gevra het waar ek is omdat hy alreeds by die huis was.

Die afgelope ruk het ek al hoe meer depressief begin raak en dit het weer die punt bereik waar ek nie eers meer in die oggend lus voel om op te staan nie. Wat dit nog erger maak is dat ek alles op Andy uithaal en boonop daarop uit gaan om met hom moeilikheid te soek omdat ek na 'n manier soek om van als wat so opkrop binne in my ontslae te raak. Alhoewel hy soms ook maar ingee en kwaad word vat dit nie lank voordat hy na my toe kom en vir my 'n drukkie gee en my weer moed inpraat nie. Hy is wonderlik en ek weet werklik nie wat ek sonder hom sou gedoen het nie.

Ek het vir Lili gese dat ons in daardie geval dan maar net 'n dag of twee in Bloemfontein sal oorbly sodat sy my darem kan sien, maar diep binne my maak dit so seer om net te dink aan haar "uh-uh" toe ek vir haar vra of sy by my ouers wil gaan kuier.

Dit gaan nou al so lank aan en dis nie haar skuld dat sy van my vervreem is nie, so ek kan haar nie blameer nie. Dolf het sy sin gekry, maar dis nou nog vir my moeilik om in te sien hoe iemand so wreed kan wees.

Hierdie hele situasie met Lili het my die laaste tyd nogal baie laat dink aan die 5 fases van aanvaarding dat jy besig is om dood te gaan nadat ek nou die aand The Bucket List gekyk het. Die 5 fases is natuurlik:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Dis natuurlik op baie gevalle van toepassing en ek weet ook nou dat ek deur meeste hiervan is, behalwe aanvaarding. Ek het altyd gese dat ek nooit sal ophou baklei nie, maar dalk is dit ook tyd dat ek begin aanvaar dat ek niks meer aan die situuasie kan doen nie en dat slegs tyd sal leer.

Miskien is dit tyd dat ek begin fokus op die dinge waaraan ek wel iets kan doen, soos Xaynee.

My gedagtes en my lewe het ontaard in iets wat lyk soos 'n bondel wasgoed in 'n wasmasjien. Ek kon nie meer uitmaak wat wat is nie en een ding loop na 'n ander. Als is net 'n gemors en ek kon nie meer fokus of konsentreer op dit wat werklik saak maak nie.

Dis tyd dat dit verander en dit gaan vandag gebeur.

Ek het besluit om meer aandag te gee aan die hele kwessie wat Xaynee betref, wat natuurlik beteken dat ek weer die hof gaan kontak rakende 'n nuwe hofdatum en ek gaan ook die Departement van Binnelandse Sake email en ook kontak rakende haar geboorte. Hopelik kry ek vir 'n slag iets gedoen want ek is al so moeg vir al die pogings wat tot niks lei nie dat ek al wil skree.

Ek gaan ook begin werk aan punte waarop ek kan fokus wat Xaynee betref want niks gaan my weghou van die dinge want ek nog oorhet in my lewe nie en dit sluit op hierdie stadium net Andy en Xaynee in. Dit beteken nie dat ek vir Lili afgeskryf het nie. Dit maak bitter seer om net aan haar te dink en net die gedagte aan haar pragtige glimlag bring trane in my oe, maar ek kan nie meer my hele lewe van koers af hou ter wille van haar nie. Sy sal altyd 'n plek he by ons en ek sal seker maak dat sy dit weet wanneer ek vir haar gaan hallo se, maar dis tyd om te aanvaar en laat gaan, al is dit nie maklik nie.

My besluit

Ek het na baie dink en tob besluit dat ek afgesien van die feit dat meeste van die mense wat my blog lees engels is, nie meer in engels te skryf nie.

Vanaand het ek op Youtube na videos gekyk van Pretoria en weer gesit en tjank soos 'n klein hondjie oor 'n verlore been en ek het myself vreeslik jammer gekry. Dis toe dat woorde in my gedagtes opgekom het wat ek baie lank terug gehoor het en op 'n manier was dit vir my baie van toepassing op hoe ek die laaste ruk voel

"Sometimes you have to let the bad things in with the good"

Nadat Andy se ouma en broer teruggekom het van Amerika af en ek weer elke dag vir klein Skye (sy is amper 4 en is Andy se ander broer se dogtertjie, maar Andy se ma pas haar deur die dag op) moes sien het dinge my al hoe meer begin vang.

Ek het vreeslik na Xaynee begin verlang en het vandag weer vir Andy gese ek wil teruggaan huistoe. Hy wil my net gelukkig sien en het vir my gese dat hy besef dat ek nooit werklik myself sal toelaat om gelukkig te wees sonder my kinders in my lewe nie en hy is reg.

Op 'n manier voel dit amper verkeerd om myself toe te laat om gelukkig te wees, maar dit gaan ook oor baie meer as dit. Ek kan dit nie help om geirriteerd te raak met die bedorwe brokkie heeldag hier om my wat heeltyd haar sin wil he anders gooi sy 'n helse tantrum nie en dit het my weereens laat besef dat my kinders, en selfs Xaynee met haar gestremdheid en frustrasies, baie gedisiplineerd is nie. In alle eerlikheid gese, meeste van die kinders hier is iets horribaals en geen Suid Afrikaanse ouer sal toelaat wat hier toegelaat word nie. Dit maak my net van voor af bekommerd wat Xaynee betref en of dit die regte ding gaan wees om haar hiernatoe te bring.

Ek het darem vandag weer met haar gepraat en dis wonderlik om te hoor hoe mooi sy nou al haar woorde uitspreek.

Ek moet egter erken dat alhoewel ek maklik se dat ek wil teruggaan SA toe, sal dit glad nie vir my makllik wees om Andy te los nie, nie na als wat ons reeds deur is om te kom waar ons nou is nie en ek het hom baie lief.

Afgesien hiervan is daar ook die wrywing tussen my en sy broer wat soms gedryf word tot die punt waar ons letterlik sal vassit oor onnodige kwessies. Ek het vandag besef dat dit van ons albei af kom en dit maak my soortvan bang om verskeie redes.

Vanaand mis ek Suid Afrika en my kiddiez net vreeslik en ek voel hartseer en gefrustreerd, maar ook opgewonde om terug te gaan want daar is so baie dinge wat ek vir Andy wil wys wanneer ons in September teruggaan en ek kan amper nie wag nie.

Meeste van als, ek kan nie wag dat hy my Sonprinsessie ontmoet nie want ek dink hy gaan absoluut mal wees oor haar :o)

Revenge

Of all of the photos I have taken of Lili, this one was always my favourite. When I look at it now, all I can see is a sad look in her eyes and it makes me want to cry.

I know it's over and that it's time for me to accept that Dolf has won this battle.

Somehow I just can't. Andy's talked me out of most of my negative thoughts and although I know it may not be worth it and that I'm probably just wasting my time, I'm still phoning people to keep fighting. That includes the family advocate and the Children's Court and even though this woman at the Department of Social Development told me that I'll first have to establish a relationship with Lili again (which won't happen) before I can get her back, I just can't let go.

Something in me snapped last night. I used to be the type of person who let things just go their own way, but at this stage, wrong as it may seem I am starting to think of taking revenge on both Dolf and Elsabe and make them pay for this nightmare I have been living for more than a year now.

It's not over, not until I see him suffer the pain and hurt I have been made to suffer ever since I met him and as for Elsabe, she should have known better than to drive me to this point.

They will regret every tear that they made me cry.

Reaching the end

After not phoning Lili on Monday night, thinking I might give it a break, I phoned again tonight and had a long conversation with her which made me realise that this fight is just not worth fighting anymore.

I told her that I was only going to phone her once a week from now on and that my parents are not going to phone her again because she never wants to speak to them. She didn't sound upset or even bothered about it. I asked her if she still wanted to go away with us on holiday when I'm there and she told me straight that she didn't want to.

I had to fight to hold the tears back. It hurt so much to hear all of these things coming from my little girl.

Maybe I was just in denial the whole time, thinking that one day I will have her back.

The way I'm feeling at the moment, I just want to send her her cellphone and forget that I have a daughter. I told her that I'd send her the cellphone and not visit if she wanted to, but she said she did want to see me.

I just don't know how to handle all the pain and hurt inside.

I phoned Xaynee earlier as well but didn't talk to her for very long before I got into another fight with Johan about money that he wants from me for Xaynee. All I wanted to know was Xaynee's shoe size so I could send her some shoes and clothes, but all he wanted was to know whether I was going to send money as well. I'm just so sick and tired of his shit, so I lost my temper, told him "Fuck you" and put down the phone.

This is all coming on top of me not being myself lately. I'm irritated by the smallest things and I'm really moody. I've been taking it out on Andy nd what makes it even worse is that I've cut off most of my emotions to the point where I don't regret it when I hurt him. I swore that I'd never do this to him but I don't know how to handle everything anymore.

I guess it started after that first time he cut himself off me and I started doing the same. I do tend to treat people the way they treat me and it only became worse after that because I'm so frustrated and sad.

I also phoned the Children's Court on Tuesday and asked what happened with the court case and whether it was postponed. A woman called Rachel, to whom I've spoken before, told me that neither the social worker, nor Johan turned up for court and that she will have to talk to the social worker about a new court date.

I guess it's supposed to be good news, but I'm caring less and less and even here, I have been receiving the comments, but I just couldn't bring myself to even publish it.

This is like one long nightmare. I just want it to end. As if I know that the longer I stay here, the harder it's going to be to wake up and get myself back into reality.

I've been having so many second thoughts and regrets about coming here in the first place. Maybe love just wasn't worth it after all. The small things is the things that make up your life, small things like the way you raise a child. I wouldn't want my children to be anything like Andy's brother's daughter. She's a spoiled little brat and she's got absolutely no discipline and even Andy sometimes seems to think that she behaves in the right way while I'm just disgusted to see a child behaving the way she does. Other children here use foul language and the discipline is definitely an issue over here. I don't want my children to be like that.

I have too many thoughts running through my head at the moment and I can't make sense of any of it to be writing here really, I just need to get rid of some of it, so I'm trying.

I don't even want to close my eyes anymore because it only leads to more thoughts...thoughts which lead to pain...and hurt.

This is the cellphone I bought for Lili for her birthday. When I saw it, I just thought that it would be perfect for her. It even has these little butterflies on the front cover. It made me happy to buy this, now I just want to forget about everything.


What is a life with all this hurt and pain worth...?