Angry

Yesterday Johan phoned me. As usual he was still trying his tactics to try to manipulate me into going back to South Africa. I wasn't in the mood for fighting so I just listened. He eventually told me that apparently a lawyer told him that my chances of getting Lili back in my care would be slim if I'm not in South Africa. I doubt he is telling the truth though as he claims not to have money so it doesn't make any sense. What made me angry is that he also told me that Dolf allowed him to say happy birthday to Lili. I mean, he didn't answer the phone ONCE when I tried phoning her, but he allows the man he claimed to have abused and sexually assaulted Lili to talk to her! With every passing day I hate him more and more.

Quote

After I wrote my previous blog, I remembered these words from a movie I was watching the other day, unfortunately I can't remember which movie...

„Sometimes you got to let the bad in with the good"

Well, maybe that's just my lessons I have to learn :o)

And reality sinks in. . .

Here I am once again... Lying in bed, can't sleep and thoughts running in my head. I'm not even sure if I'm happy anymore. Andy's brother isn't talking to me because I asked him not to talk to Andy about the money Andy owes him for my plane ticket in front of me. I thought he'd understand that it makes me feel uncomfortable. What makes it even worse is that the neighbour told me that everyone thought I was going to start a thing with Andy's brother and that I was only here for the visa. I felt angry at first but to be honest, I can't blame anyone, I did feel comfortable with Andy's brother and they might have thought too much of it. I feel bad about him not talking to me though, it feels as though I lost a friend and that wasn't my intention. I would like to sort things out with him but on the other hand, I'm afraid of what people and especially Andy might think.
I'm also disappointed in Andy. Sometimes he can be really selfish and inconsiderate and he hurts me without even knowing it. I tend to get into a mood then because I don't really know how to handle it and not being able to express myself properly because english isn't my first language doesn't help much either. Andy's also really irresponsible as far as money is concerned and that's the last thing I need at the moment. Maybe I did expect him to be more than he really is and that is my own fault. Everyone also seem to think I'm lazy, but I'm just too afraid to simply treat this place as my house.
The people here in Guernsey are really prejudiced and they definately don't like South Africans, that much I know by now.
Andy's mom and gran have been wonderful though and they accepted me. His gran even gave me a diamond ring which is worth more than the engagement ring I had in SA.
But I'm feeling sad and lonely, not even Andy can make me feel better anymore.
I've thought about going back more than once, I have to admit, but I do love Andy and for what it's worth, I'll keep dreaming and wishing that everything will turn out ok one day.

Hurting

Saturday it was Lili's birthday.

Her dad wouldn't answer his phone ...again.

It hurt me so much, I didn't want to think...I still don't.

I miss her and I can't even talk to her.

Today I decided...

We took a walk around the reservoir today, it really is beautiful over here and so different to South Africa. It's hardly spring and everywhere you look it's green and there are bunnies and daisies everywhere.

While we were walking I was thinking alot and I decided to kinda write my story here in my blog. I was thinking of how my life started on the internet way back when the only way I could connect was with my phone and it cost me a fortune in South Africa. I wasn't always popular and I know now that it might have been because of my straightforwardness and people tend to think of me as being rude.

My depression also started worrying me and thinking back, I know that it might be because of my past. Sometimes I feel guilty for being the way I am because I have the most caring and loving man in my life now and he really doesn't deserve this. The only way I can see that I will be able to work on this is by opening up.

Since I'm not the kind of person that talk to people about my problems or the way I feel, maybe I can do it this way. I'm not bothered about what people think and I can also see a positive side in it, that maybe I can learn something and help someone out there by telling my story, even if it is in bits and pieces.

Thank you mom

I was talking to my mom earlier tonight. Although I've never been very close to my mom, it always seems to help me to talk to her whenever I feel a little bit down.
She's the type of person who inspires you to do things, she's honest and she also critisizes truthfully.

Tonight she inspired me to get back into my fight. She always helps me to see things in a different light and tonight I decided...fuck this. I won't let them get me down.

I WILL get my daughters back, I don't care what it takes and I think I might have found a way. I hope to God that I am right and maybe I will write later how this came about.

Tonight Andy's words of way back then echoed in my head when he said "nothing is impossible".

I will fight, for my daughters, for my family, and for what is right.

Depressed

I've been depressed for a while now. Today I didn't even get out of bed and tonight I couldn't stop crying. Andy gave me a sedative to calm me down. I miss my children so much... I'm trying so hard to stay strong but it's hard and I'm worried that me being like this will cause me to lose Andy. I love him so much but at the same time I feel guilty about my children and there isn't much I can do about my situation. Lili's dad still won't answer his phone when I call and I'm getting more and more angry and upset.

Video dedicated to my daughters

I made this video for my two little girls back in South Africa.

Both of them were taken out of my care due to various reasons.

I am posting this so they can know that I will never give up fighting to get them back in my care, no matter what I have to face.

Shocked

Me and my dad have been talking through msn these last couple of days. Yesterday I asked him how things are going with the blacks there in SA. He told me that the SA Police Service is going all corrupt now.

Their neighbour's brother had to phone the police the other day when 3 people tried to break into his house. So what did the police (black ofcourse) ask him over the phone? What type of hats the burglars were wearing...

He realized they were not going to help him and put down the phone.

This reminded me of when I was still living there. I phoned the police once for domestic violence and to report that my ex ran off with my daughter. They arrived there, listened to the lies that my ex's mother told them and left. I felt helpless. There I was, alone, abused and worried about my child and the police just didn't care.

My heart goes out to the people in my home country.

My dad mentioned to me that there was also an article in the Pretoria News about how black police officers assaulted a white woman. I am not even going to comment on that, it makes me furious just thinking about how wrong that is.

Here I am living on an island where my fiance don't know about more than 3 murders being commited during the 25 years he's been living here. I'm safe and cared for.

Maybe that is why these people don't understand what is really going on in SA. They are not USED to that kind of cruelty being a part of everyday life.

Never Ending Story

Never Ending Story (lyrics)- Limahl

Turn around, look at what you see
In her face, the mirror of your dreams
Make believe I'm everywhere
Hidden in the lines,
Written on the pages
Is the answer to OUR Never Ending Story

Reach the stars, fly a fantasy
Dream a dream, and what you see will be.
Rhymes that keep their secrets
Will unfold behind the clouds
There upon the rainbow
Is the answer to OUR Never Ending Story

Show no fear, or she may fade away
In your hands, the birth of a new day
Rhymes that keep their secrets
Will unfold behind the clouds
There upon the rainbow
Is the answer to OUR Never Ending Story

When my oldest daughter was a baby I used to sing this song to her to get her to sleep, I would dance with her until she finally fell asleep and sometimes the song repeated 5 times.

Today is just one of those days I feel really down and depressed. I miss my children so much and just the thought that my little girl's father won't allow me to talk to her is driving me to tears... The 26th she will be turning 8 and it's going to be the same as last year, I won't be able to just say 'Happy Birthday' to her. It's wrong! I know she misses me and there is nothing I can do about it :'(

Me? Racist?!

The other day ended in a huge argument between me and Andy. I felt hurt, alone and I missed home.
His brother's girlfriend started on me about how racist we are. Now, needless to say, that is a very sensitive issue for most white South Africans...except the liberal ones ofcourse.
I tried to ignore the issue but started getting angry because people tend to be so prejudiced when they don't live in that once beautiful country. They seem to think that it's right that everything is being given to the black people, why not hey? It was their country first...I don't agree. I was born a South African and I will die one even though I left, due to various reasons ofcourse. When Andy's brother said it's ok that our white farmers are being murdered by black people, simply because they are white and the black people want full control over everything, I flipped.
I wanted to go back home right then and there. Andy said his brother never said it and we began to argue. He later admitted that I may have been right though and we are still not talking to his brother or the girlfriend.
I started reading blogs and articles about South Africa and the whole racism issue then and one thing became clear to me...
We are not racist, we just hate THOSE blacks.
I am beginning to understand why my brother did what he did. My anger towards the blacks are worse than ever now that I've left. Why?
Because they are destroying everything my country used to stand for. They rape, murder and torture. They manipulate and destroy and they get away with it. People all over the world think of all the poor little black children, deprived of clean water and sanitation...
Bullshit!
I used to do door-to-door sales a long time ago, I went into their homes to sell my product. Let me tell you what I saw.
There I had an advanced kitchen appliance which they liked. Why did they like it? Because the WHITE people use it. So there I was, in a huge house in a good neighbourhood, a new Merc or BMW parked outside and another in the garage, the furniture looks better than I've seen in most white people's houses. What do they ask me? If the kitchen appliance I sold could make PAP! It was then that I started realising that these 'poor previously disadvantaged' blacks CHOSE to live the way they do. They were given their freedom 14 years ago and they started to destroy every little thing that was a part of the white Afrikaner's culture. They started by taking down statues which according to them was linked to Apartheid. Then they started changing the names of streets, rivers, airports and towns. This cost money, millions in fact. Millions they could have spent on feeding the starving children who are shown to the outside world. They didn't have anything to do with the building up of those towns, yet they took our heritage away by changing names.
I can go on and on and I will. It's time for people to open their eyes and see that South Africa is being turned into the next Zimbabwe.
My children and my family are still there, for their sake I will keep fighting.