The past few weeks...

I thought it’s about time for me to update my blog since I haven’t been around since I’ve been back in SA.

Yeah… So a lot has happened and I’m not really sure where to start.

As I’m sitting here, I’m not only sad but also a bit depressed and very stressed…oh and angry!

So what happened in the end is that on 7 October when Xaynee was supposed to receive her Botox injection, they didn’t give it BUT they continued with an operation. I have no say apparently. I was sad that I couldn’t be there for my little girl and it broke my heart to think of the pain she must have been going through while I wasn’t even allowed to visit her in hospital. I hate Johan more than ever.

Since then I’ve seen my lawyer and the social worker who works with my lawyer on cases like this. I told them about the possibility that Johan might not be Xaynee’s father and they told me that we should get DNA tests done.

It’s expensive and I have to pay for it but I’m having it done coz after I took a walk through memory lane and did some calculations I’m about 99 percent sure that Johan ain’t Xaynee’s father. I guess in a way I always knew but I blocked it out because of my fear for Johan.

In the end I decided to make the appointment for the tests coz that’s the easiest way to get Xaynee back and then I’ll have sole right to take her out of SA. I also found out LeRoy’s surname is Van Rensburg from his old work and they gave me his ID number. At least now I’ll have something to give Xaynee if she ever wants to track him down.

Here are some photos of me and Johan with Xaynee and one of Lili and Xaynee with Johan’s other children, Melani and Rone.

I can only hope and pray now but these photos reassured me as you can clearly see that Xaynee looks different, but then again…you never know and the doubt is gonna eat at me for the next week.

Lili… I just don’t know what to think or do anymore. I don’t even cry anymore. It’s just like a physical pain whenever I think of her so at the moment I’m trying not to think about her at all.

When I phoned last Thursday she did speak to me but she sounded like a different child. She wasn’t my enthusiastic and happy little girl anymore. She said she doesn’t like school anymore and she sounded monotonous. She wasn’t the excited child who spoke to me over the phone just before I left Guernsey who used to remind me to bring her cellphone anymore and I know that there is something not right about all of this. Two weeks before that Dolf answered the phone and said I should phone in a few minutes coz he was at work. I phoned again later and he was still at work so he told me to phone his wife’s number. When I phoned his wife she said that Lili was asleep already so I asked Elsabe what time I could phone the next day and she said at 4pm. When I phoned the next day at 4pm Dolf answered and said I could speak to Lili the next Thursday so I got angry and said to him that it wasn’t my fault he wasn’t home the previous night and he said it wasn’t his problem and he put down the phone on me. I phoned again and Lili answered and shouted at me that she didn’t wanna speak to me. That broke my heart.
I didn’t phone the week thereafter and only phoned again last Thursday when she finally spoke to me.

Well, I’m not gonna go into my feelings or what this is doing to me. I’m still only keeping this blog in the hope that it will open people’s eyes about how this fucked up law system in South Africa is ruining the relationship between a mother and her children but I swear, as I always said…I will never stop fighting.