Johan and I moved into another house, one we called the 'old house', but it was on the same smallholding as where his parents lived. In fact, the houses were only 30 meters apart.
His children stayed in his mother's house but Lili decided to stay with us.
On 12 August 2003 Xaynee-Leigh was born. Johan and Lili weren't getting along very well though and it led to numerous arguments, Lili was especially 'afraid' whenever she came back from a visit with her dad. I was too naive and ignorant back then to have recognised the signs that he was 'coaching' her. After these visits, it took only a small while for Lili to go back to her normal self and she would kiss and hug Johan and later she called him 'Dada', although Dolf apparently thought that we told her to call him that, we never did. It was something she had learned from Johan's brother's stepchildren.
The arguments between me and Johan only became worse and worse until he too started to physically abuse me. It felt like history was repeating itself, he called me crazy and told me that he would make sure that I lost both of my children. I just couldn't stand hearing him call Lili 'a brat' or seeing him kick her toys around the room. I was afraid of Johan. He was alot stronger and had a bigger build than Dolf.
My parents never liked Johan, but whenever I phoned my mother and asked for them to help me get away, she told me that they weren't going to get involved and that I made my bed and should sleep in it. Johan even went so far as to phone my parents and tell them to come and get me, when they refused, he used it against me and told me that I was just as bad a parent as my parents were and that it was no wonder that I turned out to be such a whore.
On Lili's 3rd birthday, we went to a restaurant with the three children (I didn't know I was pregnant yet). I had to sit in the back with all three of them because Johan brought along a friend. On our way back home, an argument started when all the children wanted to sleep and they were uncomfotable. Johan shouted at me and when we dropped his friend off, he got abusive. I jumped out of the car with Lili and Johan gave me the pepper spray and told me that if he didn't stop, I could spray him. He didn't stop and I asked him to pull over the car, he didn't, so I turned the steering wheel so he couldn't keep driving. He hit me across the face and pulled my head back with my hair, I sprayed but it also affected his oldest daughter. I didn't care anymore, I ran away with Lili and people picked me up and dropped me off at my parents place. Next thing, Johan pulled up, with my parents and when my dad walked past me I heard him ask me..."Are you fucking crazy?" I went back home with Johan...
This was only one incident, there were many more and some I probably don't even remember, maybe I don't want to.
Johan's parents only made it worse. His mother would come meddling every time we had an argument, every time I was made out to be the one in the wrong. I was frustrated.
I used to write letters and poems to get rid of all my feelings, but I finally discovered that Johan's mom had been going through my things and she took all my writing. I discovered this when she too started threatening me that she would make sure that I would lose my children because I was mentally unstable and that my writing just proved it.
I didn't know what to do. My life was a living hell and I remember how I used to put Lili in bed and promised her that I would take her away...again history repeating itself.
Johan used to get angry because Lili followed me around, sit on my lap, and wanted me to stay with her until she fell asleep.
I told him that he was being unreasonable and that his oldest daughter was exactly the same with him...another argument. His mom came meddling again and she shoved me around. Then she phoned a friend of hers who lived nearby, a woman who used to be a nurse in a mental institution. This woman came there, hit me across the face more than once and she shoved me around. I kept screaming, I heard Johan's mother tell him that he should leave this woman because she knew how to handle people like me, insinuating ofcourse that I had a mental problem.
I couldn't take it anymore. It broke my heart to put my beautiful little girl through it but I also knew that she wouldn't be better off with her father.
Then I tried to commit suicide, twice. I thought that it would lead to one of two things, either me being dead and at least my little girl could lead a happier life, because I thought my parents would fight to get her in their custody...or it would be a cry for help. Not help because I was mentally unstable, but help to escape from the nightmare.
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