Just plain fed up!

It's times like these that I tend to wonder 'Why me?'

Yeah...It's just another 'I am feeling sorry for myself' blog entry.

Everything just seems to be going wrong with me at the moment and I'm really getting stressed.

It started when Andy's mom noticed that I'm looking yellow this morning. Then it hit me and I just wanted to cry...NOT AGAIN!

I should've known really, I know the symptoms by now... The tiredness, the nausea, loss of appetite, water retention, then the yellow colour...everywhere.

In 1996 I had jaundice for the first time. The doctor ran a few tests but didn't really bother with it. In 1997 I had it again, only this time I was placed under quarantine in the hospital for two weeks. They did every possible test they could, but they couldn't tell me what was wrong with me and it cost my dad a fortune. In 1998 my dad took me to a Homeopath who couldn't tell me much except that my lives was badly damaged. He treated me and after that I was fine until I had jaundice again in 2000. Once again the doctor had no idea what was wrong with me. After that, I gave up going to the doctor even though I had jaundice twice. The problem was that I tested negative for every hepatitis they tested me for, like hepatitis A, B and C. In 2004 I started going yellow and the jaundice was followed by water retention, People thought that I was pregnant, I looked terrible. Finally Johan took me to the hospital. I knew something was seriously wrong because I had never been that sick before. It was a state hospital, we didn't have a medical aid. To my surprise, the doctor diagnosed me and I had a name for my illness.

Auto-immune hepatitis.

In short, my immune system attacks my liver. It is genetic and can't be cured but it can be controlled by steroids. The doctor gave me a 6-month supply of steroids but by the time I had to go back, Johan couldn't care less about my illness and never took me to see the doctor again. I did get jaundice again after that. but it never got as bad as it did back then.

Now, for some reason, it came back and I'm feeling sicker by the day. The pain is terrible and I'm always tired. Andy's mom made an appointment for me to go and see the doctor on Tuesday. Fortunately I told Andy about my illness even before we met and he always promised me that he would get me treated over here. Somehow I just feel that he doesn't realise that it is going to get alot worse than this. I'm also feeling guilty, I didn't want this to happen over here.

The other thing that has really upset me is that I sent my dad an email this morning, asking him to go and see the Commissioner of Child Care at the court that took Xaynee out of my care. I asked him to inform them that the social worker is ignoring my emails and that Johan won't allow me to talk to Xaynee now because I refused to give him money.

My dad sent me a long reply. I should've known that it would happen... He told me that he understands that I'm sad because I can't talk to my children but that I should keep in mind that I'm dealing with two people that have no respect for the law or anyone else i.e. Johan and Dolf. He told me that he doesn't know what my agreement regarding Xaynee entails (as if I wouldn't explain everything) and that Dolf only has Lili in his care because the court needed to remove her from the danger i.e. Johan. He told me that Dolf is going to try to prove to the court that I wasn't exercising my parental responsibilities, because I left the country and didn't inform the court that my circumstances regarding Johan had changed and that the danger wasn't there anymore. He also said that I should go back and get an attorney and get my children back and THEN make a decision regarding my future. He reckons that Andy and his family would feel the same way.

I was angry and I cried.

Doesn't anyone understand? I replied my dad's email and told him to drop everything.

To any person out there, it would sound like my dad is right. Problem is, he doesn't know shit!

So why am I really so angry?

Because my dad only changed his attitude when I asked him to help me with XAYNEE. My parents never accepted her. Whether it's because of her disability or because of who her father is, I don't know and I don't care. My child doesn't deserve the treatment they always gave her. Even Andy could see how cruel my mom was with Xaynee. It's wrong. I've never hated my parents or blamed them more than now. I'm not the type who blames others for my own wrong-doings and I know that you have to suffer the consequences of your own actions, but maybe if my parents cared a little more and maybe helped me all the times I phoned them and asked them to get me and my children away from Johan, I wouldn't be in this situation.

It's so easy for them to tell me to get an attorney, they don't realise that it can and probably will cost me in the region of about R50 000. I'm not allowed to work over here and I can't exactly expect Andy to give me the money, even though he would if he could.

I'm trying everything I can and we're trying to save as much money as possible, what do people expect me to do?

To make it even worse, I'm really sick and probably won't be able to leave the island even if I wanted to.

I don't know...everything is closing in on me. At the moment I can't even think straight, due to my illness. I get dizzy and confused and I can't do much more than focus on getting better for now I guess.