I knew that at some point it would come to this, but I'm so fed up with all of this.

It started with Johan earlier this week when I phoned Xaynee. Somehow we got talking and it led to an argument (again because he demands maintenance) where he again threatened that he was going to stop me from talking to her in the future. Unfortunately, this time I lost my temper and threatened him back. I told him that I was going to come and take my furniture and the car and he eventually put down the phone.

Then on Thursday I phoned Lili, but something is wrong there too coz she was very quiet and tense over the phone. I had to ask a whole lot of questions just so that she would talk. I asked her if she didn't want to speak to me last week and she said she didn't. It hurt me but I also know that she isn't happy, she's still insecure as well and I will not let this go until she is happy. I know that it may sound as if I'm too optimistic about this, but I also know Dolf and the way he works to get things to go his way. That is also why I know that Lili will one day understand because her father will never change and she will see him for what he really is one day, but that doesn't mean that I will wait until that time to get her back.

What I'm upset about right now though is that I phoned Johan about 30 minutes ago and yeah.. Guess what...here was his reply when I asked him to let me speak to Xaynee:

"I told you last time how it's gonna work, you're not going to speak to her"

I wasn't really surprised. I asked him what he meant by what he said and he said it's about the maintenance and if I don't give my cooperation then he will not allow me to speak to Xaynee. I then asked him about the appointment he said he had with the social worker who I reported to SACSSP. He said that she told him that the court order does not state that I am allowed to have contact with Xaynee, so it's up to him to decide. I tried to correct him but couldn't help laughing at how wrong he is and how I can see it so clearly that he is acting out of spite and nothing else. When I asked him a second time to let me speak to Xaynee and he again refused, I lost it again and told him that he was a dog and that I will expose him for what he really is. He in turn then told me that I'm a whore who threw away her children and ran after a guy and now that things are not working out I want to come back. So I told him he's wrong and that I am coming back. He asked me what I was going back for then and I said I am going to get my child. He shouted at me that I will not get either of my kids and then he put the phone down on me without allowing me to talk to Xaynee.