I knew that at some point it would come to this, but I'm so fed up with all of this.

It started with Johan earlier this week when I phoned Xaynee. Somehow we got talking and it led to an argument (again because he demands maintenance) where he again threatened that he was going to stop me from talking to her in the future. Unfortunately, this time I lost my temper and threatened him back. I told him that I was going to come and take my furniture and the car and he eventually put down the phone.

Then on Thursday I phoned Lili, but something is wrong there too coz she was very quiet and tense over the phone. I had to ask a whole lot of questions just so that she would talk. I asked her if she didn't want to speak to me last week and she said she didn't. It hurt me but I also know that she isn't happy, she's still insecure as well and I will not let this go until she is happy. I know that it may sound as if I'm too optimistic about this, but I also know Dolf and the way he works to get things to go his way. That is also why I know that Lili will one day understand because her father will never change and she will see him for what he really is one day, but that doesn't mean that I will wait until that time to get her back.

What I'm upset about right now though is that I phoned Johan about 30 minutes ago and yeah.. Guess what...here was his reply when I asked him to let me speak to Xaynee:

"I told you last time how it's gonna work, you're not going to speak to her"

I wasn't really surprised. I asked him what he meant by what he said and he said it's about the maintenance and if I don't give my cooperation then he will not allow me to speak to Xaynee. I then asked him about the appointment he said he had with the social worker who I reported to SACSSP. He said that she told him that the court order does not state that I am allowed to have contact with Xaynee, so it's up to him to decide. I tried to correct him but couldn't help laughing at how wrong he is and how I can see it so clearly that he is acting out of spite and nothing else. When I asked him a second time to let me speak to Xaynee and he again refused, I lost it again and told him that he was a dog and that I will expose him for what he really is. He in turn then told me that I'm a whore who threw away her children and ran after a guy and now that things are not working out I want to come back. So I told him he's wrong and that I am coming back. He asked me what I was going back for then and I said I am going to get my child. He shouted at me that I will not get either of my kids and then he put the phone down on me without allowing me to talk to Xaynee.

And again...

I'm seriously getting fed up with this.

Obviously something caused Dolf to be upset again. I phoned Lili at 20:15 on Thursday night and what did I get? The phone put down on me 3 times when I tried his cell and the house number was just ignored.

So here we go again. What the hell did I do wrong this time?

He doesn't have a right to do this. In fact, it's against the law, but that just don't seem to matter.

I'm just so scared that I won't be able to see her when I go back and there isn't much time left but no one has come back to me from ISS yet and I'm getting worried.

An update and a *Thank You*

I haven't written anything here in such a long time that I don't even know where to start.

Last night as I lay in bed thinking I planned on writing an update as I had a conversation with Lili again last night, but there is so much more going on at the moment and my head is just so full of thoughts.

Normally when I log in every morning I check my emails first just in case there is some news from anyone about my children. I'm still waiting for the ISS to get bck to me after I provided them with all the details they asked for like Johan and Dolf's postal addresses and so on.

This morning I received an email from someone who read my blog and even though I will reply to that person personally, I feel that he deserves a special thank you here on my blog. I've received so much support since I've started writing here and believe it or not, it's that support that has kept me going sometimes when I really felt I just couldn't take it anymore. This person said something to me that reminded me of the way I used to be and I realised that it's time to start working towards being that person again.

These past few days have been absolutely horrible and I think it's the tension and stress that is getting to me. I remember when I was younger I used to get like this, all tired and nauseaous whenever I was under alot of stress or whenever I had the feeling that something bad was going on or was going to happen. It started a few days ago and yesterday I slept all throughout the day and I just had no energy and I felt so ill that it made me cry. I know that Andy thinks it's the medication, but I know myself and I know that I am having a hard time coping with all that is going on.

I haven't been able to bring myself so far to write a complaint about any of the social workers yet either and that is just adding to the stress at the moment. I'm beginning to understand why people get away with so many things now, it just takes up so much time and effort and not to mention the emotions you have to cope with like anger and pain to write letters to complain about these people that most people apparently simply give up than to go through all the hassle. It's just not easy having to go through all the channels and writing different letters and telling the same story over and over again. I'm determined not to let these social workers get away with what they did though as I have been reading up and I know now that what they did was not only breach of confidentiality, but it's regarded as infringement of my rights according to our constitution.

Lili sounded tired last night but she still sounds excited about seeing me and my parents. She even agreed to say hi to Andy over the phone and she really wants to meet him. I've been having strange feelings lately about seeing her again though. I'm almost scared and nervous, maybe it's just the stress I don't know.

Yesterday when I phoned to speak to Xaynee, Johan wasn't home...again. This is really starting to bug me now, I really hope that she is ok.

I'm also happy that I'm able to speak to my brother again and that I could finally bring him into contact with my parents. At least I know now that he is ok and he sounds happy.

I have to be honest in saying that I'm really glad to be going home. Only four more weeks and I'll be able to eat proper food again and maybe feel like myself again. There are alot of things that I don't talk about here and I don't mention it to Andy either, but I have to admit that I'm beginning to have serious doubts about whether it's going to be the right thing to do to be coming back here again. It's no one's fault, I just feel that there are some differences both between me and Andy and me and the whole Guernsey community, culture and lifestyle which I just can't overbridge. Maybe if my situation was different it might have been easier, but I don't feel I can do it.

I know that I have a bad habit of expecting other people to understand why I'm acting or behhaving in a certain manner. This might be because I am so attentive to other people's needs and I also tend to watch their behaviour closely, which is why I am considered not to be very sociable at times. That ain't true though as all I'm doing is observing whenever I pick up on a strange atmosphere. What I'm really getting at is that I also tend to back off completely when I'm in a situation where I feel uncomfortable. In fact, I cut myself off completely because I find it easier to deal with than to find myself in a situation where I have to do something I feel uncomfortable about. Very few people understand that but I've known quite a few people who actually picked up on it and I find it strange that Andy don't.