Sometimes I wonder

Is it ok if I feel sorry for myself?
Is it ok if I feel that I don't deserve this?
Is it ok if I just hate my life and want to die?

I guess not.

But...

I may have destroyed the one person that ever truly loved me's love for me tonight and even though I did what I thought best, I'm sad.

I gave Andy an ultimatum tonight and told him that either he starts working or I go back to South Africa.

He just doesn't seem to understand that I am feeling guilty, confused and angry and even here it is difficult for me to explain.

In South Africa, people will do almost anything to find a proper work to provide for their families. I remember going to sleep sometimes, crying because I didn't know where we were going to find the money to buy food. Always having to borrow money from my parents and go through customers treating me like shit, because I had to phone and ask for work basically. That, while Andy won't work for 200 pounds a week because he thinks it's crap work. Since I've been here, he has made no attempt to look for a steady job and that is getting to me. I am not allowed to work here without a visa and that makes me feel guilty for just being here.

Andy stormed out of the house in the end and I don't think he really cares what I'm going to do. He told me straight that I must just do what I want to do.

If I go back to SA, at least I can try to find work and fight to get my kids back, won't be easy though. I just hate being dependant of Andy and he's just waiting around for the next loose job to come around.

To top that, Johan asked me for money to take Xaynee to the doctor. I told him that I will ask my dad to take her and pay for it, he said that I had an attitude and that I won't speak to Xaynee ever again. He then called me a whore and a bad mother. He even dragged my parents into it by saying I'm just as bad a parent as they are. He also said I won't speak to Lili again. I stayed calm through it all, more because I'm so tired of all the fighting than because of anything else.

I wish I knew what to do and I feel so alone. I'm still angry because of everything that Andy's family has said about me and I feel like I don't belong here.

If there really is a God out there, I'm praying that he will help me. It hurts so much not to have my children with me, it feels like my heart's been ripped out and my life has no meaning anymore.