Cheeky Thoughts

My New Site And Blog

2010-03-22T22:14:00.001+01:00

I started this blog more than two years ago. The last post I made was more than a year ago, but I never forgot about this blog or the reason why I started it. Cheeky Thoughts was the start of what has now developed into a website called A Mother's Cry for Help. Please visit my site and my new blog.

Sensing that it's the end

2009-01-10T20:39:00.002+01:00

Today, a year ago, I must've been the happiest girl in the world. It was the day Andy came to SA to meet me. It was the most amazing feeling, knowing that this guy learned to love me enough to travel halfway across the world just to meet me. It felt unreal...
The day I finally saw him for the very first time I felt so comfortable. I knew that I would love him for the rest of my life, he used to say the same.
A year has passed and things have changed.
Ever since I came back to SA we started drifting apart. Every day that passed, I could feel him slip away a little further. It wasn't his fault, I'm mostly to blame and I am more than willing to admit it.
He hasn't admitted it yet, but I can sense that he doesn't want to continue with this relationship and I can't and will never blame him coz he probably put up with more than anyone I ever knew before could ever manage.
He supported me through my court cases and he was there for me and cared for me while I was ill, I will never forget what he did for me but I want him to be happy and that is why I will let him move on without putting up a fight.
He deserves all the love and happiness in the world for being such a wonderful, caring and loving person.
I will always love him though, just as I always have.

The past few weeks...

2008-11-02T22:59:00.003+01:00

I thought it’s about time for me to update my blog since I haven’t been around since I’ve been back in SA.

Yeah… So a lot has happened and I’m not really sure where to start.

As I’m sitting here, I’m not only sad but also a bit depressed and very stressed…oh and angry!

So what happened in the end is that on 7 October when Xaynee was supposed to receive her Botox injection, they didn’t give it BUT they continued with an operation. I have no say apparently. I was sad that I couldn’t be there for my little girl and it broke my heart to think of the pain she must have been going through while I wasn’t even allowed to visit her in hospital. I hate Johan more than ever.

Since then I’ve seen my lawyer and the social worker who works with my lawyer on cases like this. I told them about the possibility that Johan might not be Xaynee’s father and they told me that we should get DNA tests done.

It’s expensive and I have to pay for it but I’m having it done coz after I took a walk through memory lane and did some calculations I’m about 99 percent sure that Johan ain’t Xaynee’s father. I guess in a way I always knew but I blocked it out because of my fear for Johan.

In the end I decided to make the appointment for the tests coz that’s the easiest way to get Xaynee back and then I’ll have sole right to take her out of SA. I also found out LeRoy’s surname is Van Rensburg from his old work and they gave me his ID number. At least now I’ll have something to give Xaynee if she ever wants to track him down.

Here are some photos of me and Johan with Xaynee and one of Lili and Xaynee with Johan’s other children, Melani and Rone.

I can only hope and pray now but these photos reassured me as you can clearly see that Xaynee looks different, but then again…you never know and the doubt is gonna eat at me for the next week.

Lili… I just don’t know what to think or do anymore. I don’t even cry anymore. It’s just like a physical pain whenever I think of her so at the moment I’m trying not to think about her at all.

When I phoned last Thursday she did speak to me but she sounded like a different child. She wasn’t my enthusiastic and happy little girl anymore. She said she doesn’t like school anymore and she sounded monotonous. She wasn’t the excited child who spoke to me over the phone just before I left Guernsey who used to remind me to bring her cellphone anymore and I know that there is something not right about all of this. Two weeks before that Dolf answered the phone and said I should phone in a few minutes coz he was at work. I phoned again later and he was still at work so he told me to phone his wife’s number. When I phoned his wife she said that Lili was asleep already so I asked Elsabe what time I could phone the next day and she said at 4pm. When I phoned the next day at 4pm Dolf answered and said I could speak to Lili the next Thursday so I got angry and said to him that it wasn’t my fault he wasn’t home the previous night and he said it wasn’t his problem and he put down the phone on me. I phoned again and Lili answered and shouted at me that she didn’t wanna speak to me. That broke my heart.
I didn’t phone the week thereafter and only phoned again last Thursday when she finally spoke to me.

Well, I’m not gonna go into my feelings or what this is doing to me. I’m still only keeping this blog in the hope that it will open people’s eyes about how this fucked up law system in South Africa is ruining the relationship between a mother and her children but I swear, as I always said…I will never stop fighting.

Back in SA

2008-10-04T23:52:00.002+02:00

I'm sitting here, not sure how I'm feeling. To be honest I don't even know where to start coz such alot has happened since I've posted anything here. I'm not even sure why I stopped but I think it had alot to deal with the fact that I had to accept in the end that I was gonna have to come back alone and I had to deal with that.
I think it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Leaving Guernsey behind and walking away from Andy on Heathrow broke my heart and I cried about it for days beforehand. I started playing WOW again to get my mind off what was really going on around me. I remember sitting there in fron of the PC for hours just playing and in the end I actually started enjoying it after I met some SA people.
Then the most unexpected thing happened. I woke up at 2 AM on the 1st of September and I was lying in hospital. I had no idea how I got there or why I was there. The nurse I called wasn't much help either and all I could remember was being in a wheelchair begging Andy not to leave me there. The next morning Andy phoned me and told me that I started acting strangely the day before after I'd been sleeping for about 2 days non-stop. I still had no recollection of what had happened and was shocked when Andy, his mom and Mathew visited me later that day and told me how I had behaved. Apparently I shouted at Andy that I hated him after we arrived at the hospital and I laughed about it and I called Mathew an asshole. Till this day we still don't know what caused it but I wanted to get out of hospital as soon as possible so I acted like I was all well and after a blood transfusion I was released but it happened again and I kept Andy up for a whole night while he had to work the next day. That time I could recall what had happened though and I tried to explain it to them.
It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I couldn't move at times, as if I just had no strength and I found it really difficult to explain to Andy if I needed anything. At times I could only say things in Afrikaans and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't translate it. I got better after a few days though but had to stay a little longer as the doctor felt I wasn't fit to travel. Again I focused on playing WOW and Andy even started helping me out and enjoying it. I finally made peace with the fact that I had to go back alone but I knew I was still not well although I didn't say anything.
I eventually left the UK on 20 September. I can still see Guernsey from the air as we took off but leaving Andy there on Heathrow was heartbreaking. We both cried as he held me one last time and I made him promise to get me back there as soon as he can. I knew I had to go and I never felt so torn between what used to be my home and what I've come to accept as my new home. I had to come back, not only coz of all the immigration laws and crap, but also to fight for my children.
The night I arrived at JHB International and I saw the lights I knew that this was not my home anymore and even though I was glad to see my parents I was instantly reminded of why I hate this country so much when I got into 2 arguments within the first 15 minutes I've been back.
First because the 'person' behind the counter where I had to exchange my pounds into Rand had such a shitty attitude when she told me that I had to prove that I had a SA address before they would exchange my money and secondly when the 'person' we asked for help when the machine at the parking area took my dad's ticket but didn't let us out, didn't help my dad and I eventually had to get out and sort it out. I just wasn't used to this kind of treatment anymore but I had to learn to get used to it very quickly or I was either gonna end up murdering someone or GET murdered by someone.
Well I've been back here for 2 weeks now and I hated every minute but I've seen both my brothers and I met my oldest brother's new girlfriend as well. When we visited them my brother told me that he's read some of my blog and that kinda kept me from posting anything for a while I think coz I didn't really expect that but on the other hand I'm also glad that someone in my family knows and understands what is going on and both him and his girlfriend supports my point of view. I was a bit scared about meeting her at first because I have such a hard time getting along with people, especially women, but she's one of the better people I've met and I think that although she is still very young, she is probably the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. When I saw her the first time I wished Lili could be there, I just know she's gonna love her. My other brother is still his normal crappy self although I'm a bit worried about him. His wife is pregnant now and I'm not sure if that was the right thing to happen to them, I never saw him as being a father even though my children love him and he was also the one who always protected me I am sorry, but I can't stand his wife and I think most of my family feels the same way. We just don't say anything, well not yet anyway but I've learned that things like this tend to come out in the end. I just don't like the way she treats him but I actually dislike her for the way I heard she treated my dad but that's another story and not my business.
Then there's the whole issue with my children which has been going all but well. The first thing I did after I arrived back in SA was to see my lawyer because I was so unhappy about the fact that I could only see my children under the supervision of a social worker. I could handle doing it that way with Xaynee, but driving all the way to Bloemfontein just to see Lili for an hour under supervision was a bit too much for me so the lawyer said they'll see what they can do about that. They got a private social worker who works with them on cases and she was gonna contact the social worker in Bloemfontein to reach an agreement but I knew when I phoned Lili last week on Thursday that things was NOT gonna be that easy.
She was crying as she told me that she didn't want to speak to me. This was the same child who was so excited about seeing me just 2 weeks before, who reminded me of bringing her cellphone and who laughed and joked around with me. I knew something wasn't right.
The next thing I did was to get a protection order against Johan to keep him from coming here and causing trouble at the retirement village again. I mentioned his threats and behaviour and was granted a protection order that prohibits him from making any contact with me. It was served on him on Thursday. Luckily by then the social worker who is standing in for Magda (who for fuck knows why is still on the case) already arranged for me to see Xaynee on Friday.
When I arrived at the CMR's offices and saw Johan again I almost didn't recognise him, but when I saw my little girl I knew it was him. I immediately tried to talk to her but he attacked me and said "shut up and wait for your turn". I knew then that he got the protection order and almost laughed as I turned to the social worker and greeted her. He was so pathetic and he must have picked up on the fact that I felt no fear, not anymore. As the social worker led me out to another room I knew that I had to stay strong and for the first time I knew that it was Andy's love that gave me the courage not to be afraid or be intimidated by him.
I saw Xaynee for only 45 minutes but I was so happy and to see her smile as she hugged the huge dog I bought her for her birthday almost drove me to tears but I was determined not to cry. What really made me sad was seeing Xaynee so neglected. Her hair was dirty and she smelled terrible but at that moment it didn't matter. The social worker was really nice and even left the room and as she walked outside Xaynee turned around and ran into my arms to be picked up. She was a bit heavier than I remember and not much taller but she hasn't learned any new words and what really made me upset is the fact that I'd been informed by the social worker that she was going for a Botox treatment on 7 October. This would've been fine and I would've agreed that it's the right thing to do but then I noticed that her right leg has also started becoming spastic. I just can't see how they can treat only one leg and this also means that her condition got worse during the ast 6 months. She is in need of serious medical treatment, something me and Andy can provide in Guernsey, but my child is being deprived of that now. The commissioner of child welfare at the court in Pretoria North also told me that the doctors didn't need my consent to administer the Botox treatment. I had to accept that even though this is not how I understand the law but there isn't much I can do about it. So I contacted my lawyer again and she said that their social worker will be back on Monday and we will sort it all out.
Another phone call to Lili on Thursday made me even more upset when she picked up and said "I don't want to speak to mommy" and the phone went off in only 4 seconds. It just doesn't make sense and it was almost as if I was listening to a recording. 4 seconds is also a very short time for a child to answer a phone, say that and then put the phone down because when I did it myself it came to no shorter that 6 seconds. The tone in her voice also wasn't right, almost as if she recited it.
I contacted the social worker who was given to me by ISS as a contact person and she wasn't even there so I told me lawyer all of this and now I can do nothing but wait untill Monday.
I guess it's the stress that's been getting to me because I've had some strange spells again like the other night Andy and I was chatting on MSN the one moment and the next moment I felt so ill I couldn't move or even shout for my parents to come and help me and he had to phone them to come and help me.
People keep telling me that they don't know how I've been keeping myself together through all of this and this is the funny part... Yeah I had Andy to support me through most of it and I built myself up to become a much better person than I was before I left SA but that is all psychological. I never thought that my health could be affected by all of this so badly and not being able to talk to Andy most of the time is not helping. I can act like everything is ok like I always do, but I can only do it for so long and I really don't know for how much longer I'll be able to keep this up.

2008-08-23T17:44:00.002+02:00

I knew that at some point it would come to this, but I'm so fed up with all of this.

It started with Johan earlier this week when I phoned Xaynee. Somehow we got talking and it led to an argument (again because he demands maintenance) where he again threatened that he was going to stop me from talking to her in the future. Unfortunately, this time I lost my temper and threatened him back. I told him that I was going to come and take my furniture and the car and he eventually put down the phone.

Then on Thursday I phoned Lili, but something is wrong there too coz she was very quiet and tense over the phone. I had to ask a whole lot of questions just so that she would talk. I asked her if she didn't want to speak to me last week and she said she didn't. It hurt me but I also know that she isn't happy, she's still insecure as well and I will not let this go until she is happy. I know that it may sound as if I'm too optimistic about this, but I also know Dolf and the way he works to get things to go his way. That is also why I know that Lili will one day understand because her father will never change and she will see him for what he really is one day, but that doesn't mean that I will wait until that time to get her back.

What I'm upset about right now though is that I phoned Johan about 30 minutes ago and yeah.. Guess what...here was his reply when I asked him to let me speak to Xaynee:

"I told you last time how it's gonna work, you're not going to speak to her"

I wasn't really surprised. I asked him what he meant by what he said and he said it's about the maintenance and if I don't give my cooperation then he will not allow me to speak to Xaynee. I then asked him about the appointment he said he had with the social worker who I reported to SACSSP. He said that she told him that the court order does not state that I am allowed to have contact with Xaynee, so it's up to him to decide. I tried to correct him but couldn't help laughing at how wrong he is and how I can see it so clearly that he is acting out of spite and nothing else. When I asked him a second time to let me speak to Xaynee and he again refused, I lost it again and told him that he was a dog and that I will expose him for what he really is. He in turn then told me that I'm a whore who threw away her children and ran after a guy and now that things are not working out I want to come back. So I told him he's wrong and that I am coming back. He asked me what I was going back for then and I said I am going to get my child. He shouted at me that I will not get either of my kids and then he put the phone down on me without allowing me to talk to Xaynee.

And again...

2008-08-16T17:45:00.002+02:00

I'm seriously getting fed up with this.

Obviously something caused Dolf to be upset again. I phoned Lili at 20:15 on Thursday night and what did I get? The phone put down on me 3 times when I tried his cell and the house number was just ignored.

So here we go again. What the hell did I do wrong this time?

He doesn't have a right to do this. In fact, it's against the law, but that just don't seem to matter.

I'm just so scared that I won't be able to see her when I go back and there isn't much time left but no one has come back to me from ISS yet and I'm getting worried.

An update and a Thank You

2008-08-08T10:39:00.003+02:00

I haven't written anything here in such a long time that I don't even know where to start.

Last night as I lay in bed thinking I planned on writing an update as I had a conversation with Lili again last night, but there is so much more going on at the moment and my head is just so full of thoughts.

Normally when I log in every morning I check my emails first just in case there is some news from anyone about my children. I'm still waiting for the ISS to get bck to me after I provided them with all the details they asked for like Johan and Dolf's postal addresses and so on.

This morning I received an email from someone who read my blog and even though I will reply to that person personally, I feel that he deserves a special thank you here on my blog. I've received so much support since I've started writing here and believe it or not, it's that support that has kept me going sometimes when I really felt I just couldn't take it anymore. This person said something to me that reminded me of the way I used to be and I realised that it's time to start working towards being that person again.

These past few days have been absolutely horrible and I think it's the tension and stress that is getting to me. I remember when I was younger I used to get like this, all tired and nauseaous whenever I was under alot of stress or whenever I had the feeling that something bad was going on or was going to happen. It started a few days ago and yesterday I slept all throughout the day and I just had no energy and I felt so ill that it made me cry. I know that Andy thinks it's the medication, but I know myself and I know that I am having a hard time coping with all that is going on.

I haven't been able to bring myself so far to write a complaint about any of the social workers yet either and that is just adding to the stress at the moment. I'm beginning to understand why people get away with so many things now, it just takes up so much time and effort and not to mention the emotions you have to cope with like anger and pain to write letters to complain about these people that most people apparently simply give up than to go through all the hassle. It's just not easy having to go through all the channels and writing different letters and telling the same story over and over again. I'm determined not to let these social workers get away with what they did though as I have been reading up and I know now that what they did was not only breach of confidentiality, but it's regarded as infringement of my rights according to our constitution.

Lili sounded tired last night but she still sounds excited about seeing me and my parents. She even agreed to say hi to Andy over the phone and she really wants to meet him. I've been having strange feelings lately about seeing her again though. I'm almost scared and nervous, maybe it's just the stress I don't know.

Yesterday when I phoned to speak to Xaynee, Johan wasn't home...again. This is really starting to bug me now, I really hope that she is ok.

I'm also happy that I'm able to speak to my brother again and that I could finally bring him into contact with my parents. At least I know now that he is ok and he sounds happy.

I have to be honest in saying that I'm really glad to be going home. Only four more weeks and I'll be able to eat proper food again and maybe feel like myself again. There are alot of things that I don't talk about here and I don't mention it to Andy either, but I have to admit that I'm beginning to have serious doubts about whether it's going to be the right thing to do to be coming back here again. It's no one's fault, I just feel that there are some differences both between me and Andy and me and the whole Guernsey community, culture and lifestyle which I just can't overbridge. Maybe if my situation was different it might have been easier, but I don't feel I can do it.

I know that I have a bad habit of expecting other people to understand why I'm acting or behhaving in a certain manner. This might be because I am so attentive to other people's needs and I also tend to watch their behaviour closely, which is why I am considered not to be very sociable at times. That ain't true though as all I'm doing is observing whenever I pick up on a strange atmosphere. What I'm really getting at is that I also tend to back off completely when I'm in a situation where I feel uncomfortable. In fact, I cut myself off completely because I find it easier to deal with than to find myself in a situation where I have to do something I feel uncomfortable about. Very few people understand that but I've known quite a few people who actually picked up on it and I find it strange that Andy don't.

2008-07-30T22:16:00.002+02:00

I suppose all of us grow up with hopes and dreams. I wonder how many people ever get to turn their dreams into reality in such an imperfect world.

Sometimes I look at people who walk past me and I wonder what their lives are like. I've met so many people in my past, people I will probably never see again. I used to look at their way of life and listen to their stories and pretended to be like them... I never was though.

I'm feeling more and more depressed as the days go by. I thought it would be better once I'm here with Andy, but it's not and although I understand in a way why it isn't, there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I still look at my past every day and ask myself what I ever did to deserve this. I can't do this anymore. I just can't.

My Baby Angel x

2008-07-26T09:18:00.004+02:00

I finally managed to get these pics of me and Xaynee on the PC of the last day I saw her before I left South Africa.

I miss her so much :(

I love you Xaynee

xxx

Disappointed and Angry

2008-07-25T10:39:00.002+02:00

On 12 May this year I wrote on this blog how happy I was that I finally found a social worker who seemed to understand my situation. I was wrong, VERY wrong.

I'm referring to the social worker in Bloemfontein ofcourse, the one from the organisation I contacted when I had so much trouble getting hold of Lili.

Well, she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday and when I didn't hear anything from her by Tuesday, I phoned her office and asked for her to email me because she was busy. Yesterday I got her email and this was her reply:

"Ek het toe ‘n afspraak Maandag 21 Julie met die Kotze – egpaar gehad wat hulle nagekom het. Daaruit is besluit dat ons vir Alicia gaan assesseer en ‘n afspraak daarvoor is in Augustus verkry. Ons gaan haar forensies assesseer ten einde te let op die moontlike seksuele mishandeling wat in haar verlede plaasgevind het.

Ek wil net ook weer die rolle reg definieer. Ek is die herenigings werker wat ‘n diens aan Mnr Kotze verleen, m.a.w., ek moet hulle help dat Alicia suksesvol by hulle aanpas en aanbly. My verantwoordelikheid is dus grootliks by hulle. Dit het tot gevolg dat ek nie elke keer wat ek met hulle te doen gehad het vir jou terugvoer gaan gee nie. Die maatskaplike werker in Kuruman is seker nog by jou betrokke."

I was so upset by this that Andy couldn't take it anymore I guess coz he sent her an email telling her exactly what he thought of it all.

In the first place there is the assessment that they want to do on Lili. (Damn woman even spelled her name wrong.) Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against it being done but I'm a bit confused. If I remember correctly Lili was assessed BEFORE the court case in July last year? If the allegations is true, I swear I will probably kill Johan, but the part I really don't understand is why Dolf allowed Johan to speak to her on her birthday then while he was ignoring all of MY phone calls? Something just doesn't make sense.

Then there's her saying in the email that she is the REUNIFICATION worker and her responsibility lies mainly with Dolf and Elsabe. First of all, who contacted her in the first place FOR reunification services? Or will someone please define that word for me, coz I'm getting more and more angry and confused here.

Also, so that Lili can stay with them? Everyone seems to be forgetting that this was a TEMPORARY placement.

Then she comes out with the social worker in Kuruman which left me even more confused. Even if there WAS a social worker in Kuruman, what would she be able to do about it?

Oh, but here comes the best part. Yesterday I also received a letter from the ISS UK and the guy asked me for more details and so on. So I sent it to him and forwarded this email, but just as I was about to send it Andy noticed something strange.

She sent that email to the social worker I filed the complaint against in Pretoria and who is working on Xaynee's case as well! So I browsed through my inbox and saw that she's been doing this since 12 June.

I just don't see what the two social workers have to do with one another and why this was done. I have nothing to hide, but why can social workers not be trusted? And how the hell did these two come across one another?

I'm considering my options here, but I'm to angry to be making any decisions right now. The guy from ISS UK knows that I'm questioning the integrity of the social workers in SA, but what can I do about it?

All I wanted was to be sure that I would be able to see Lili. I was even willing to leave Lili in Dolf's care at one point, but now I'm not so sure. It is clear that he got the social worker exactly where he wants her through his lies once again and I'm getting fed up.

I know for a fact that Dolf can not have changed. He was violent and abusive even before I met him and he was the same after I left him from what I could gather from the woman he used to be engaged to who I met at the court that day. Men like that don't change overnight. Problem is that there is no way that I can prove that Lili's behaviour is caused by him and not the past. Not while she is being manipulated.

There is nothing I can do. Again.

2008-07-25T04:40:00.002+02:00

It is 3:00 am in the morning again and I can't sleep. I'm watching recorded Star Trek episodes just to keep my mind occupied. Although I can't post about what happened yesterday right now because I'm using my phone to post this I'm really upset. I really don't know how much more of this I can take and I don't think Andy realizes just how much this is affecting me. Every morning I wake up with the hope that some solution will come out of nowhere and that all the pain and hurt will go away. Every day that passes is filled with thoughts of my children and how much I miss them and want them to be with me. Every day I cry tears that my children will never see and they don't know or even realize that without them I feel an emptiness that can never be filled. I try not to remember small things anymore because it hurts. It's difficult to describe to someone what I mean by 'hurt'. It's almost like a physical pain which just tears me apart inside. It leaves me crying for hours every day but I can't give up.

Patience

2008-07-24T09:51:00.002+02:00

They say patience is a virtue. Hmmm...

In my view it is some damn way to see how far they can push me coz this is REALLY starting to work on my nerves and I'm gonna lose the plot if this continues.

The social worker in Bloemfontein was supposed to get back to me after she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday. No guessing about whether she did get back to me hey? No she didn't. Ok, so I thought I'd phone yesterday to hear what happened, because she apparently wanted to listen 'what his story was' because he 'had his own plans'. Whatever that may mean. I suppose it's got something to do with getting custody of Lili.

Well, so I phoned and the woman at the switchboard told me that the social worker was busy. I left her a message to please get back to me about what happened via email. It's already 10:00 am SA time and I still haven't received and email.

I also tried to phone Xaynee yesterday morning but Johan had already taken her to school. He said I could phone at 13:00, but when I phoned at about 14:00 his phone was off. How nice.

I've finally discovered the new Children's Act on the internet and I know what the new law says now. Took me a while but at least I'm getting there. I've been looking at it and I'm considering tracking LeRoy down. I've been looking at the dates for the first time without feeling guilty and I know that it is almost impossible for Johan to be Xaynee's father. Actually, I've been looking at it in various ways and when I started looking at Xaynee's photos I saw the resemblance for the first time. It is probably the best and easiest way for me to get her back, even if I have to subpoena LeRoy to appear in court. He won't want anything to do with her anyway, so I really couldn't care less. I'm not sure, but I think that the court may order for DNA tests to be carried out and that is my main concern, although I still don't think that Johan will be the father, it is the time that is worrying me. We're not gonna be in SA for that long and even waiting for Xaynee's passport (when I can finally apply for it without a father's consent) is going to be a problem.

I've got alot of worries piling up at the moment, including my visa. The fees have gone up again and it's gonna cost us R8240, which is about 500 pound. I just hope I get it coz the UK is so damn strict.

Lately Mathew and I have been getting along alot more like we used to and Andy and I have been ok, except for the times when I get really depressed and take it out on him, but that never last very long. My baby understands me better than anyone :o)

Finally feeling better

2008-07-18T07:31:00.002+02:00

Another night went by and I didn't sleep. I'm torturing myself really, I know it and I still do it.
I've been so depressed and moody the past week that I'm almost surprised that Andy hasn't put me on a plane back to SA yet. Sometimes I felt so guilty about the way I was treating him, but mostly my anger and frustration took over. He just kept to himself mostly and waited until I calmed down and eventually break down and cried then he just held me in his arms. I know that I would never be so lucky again to get a man like him and that I probably don't appreciate him enough, but it's as though the time of going back to SA is draawing closer, the more it is affecting me. Andy is the one who keeps me strong and he always make me see things more positively. I feel like a cruel person.

I phoned Lili again last night and for the first time in ages I could recognise my child speaking to me. We had a long conversation and she sounds so excited to see me that it made me miss her even more. I promised her that I would bring her some PC games and DVDs because I know how much she loves watching DVDs and she started playing on the PC when she was only 2 years old. She even sounds excited to meet Andy and she said that she will speak english if she has to, she doesn't mind and she understands that he doesn't understand Afrikaans.

I went to see the specialist on Wednesday and he changed the dosage of my medication again. My water retention is still bad but it seems to be getting better and the specialist was happy with the results of my blood tests. It did upset me when he said that a liver transplant later on in the future is more a probability than a possibility, but then again I expected it and I really couldn't care less about my health at the moment as my main concern is my children and nothing else.

I started emailing people again after my previous post and finally got a reply from the Department of Social Development in SA. They said I should contact ISS UK. I stared at the email and the only thing that went through my head was WHAT THE FUCK???

I mean I contacted ISS UK in May already and they told me that they couldn't help me. So I forwarded that email I received from ISS UK to the Department of Social Development and they contaced ISS UK which in turn emailed me and told me that they understood that I was going back to SA permanently and that was why they said they couldn't help me. What bullshit. I mean really!! I made it clear to the damn woman that I was engaged to Andy and everything, I guess she was just covering her ass but I left it there. Then the guy asked me for the Children's Court order. Luckily I requested it to be sent to my dad about a month ago, not sure why now to be honest but I;m glad I did. I emailed the guy the whole background story about Lili and Xaynee together with the court order, but they are moving their offices and he probably won't reply before the 22nd. So now I'm waiting again.

The reason I couldn't sleep AGAIN was that except for feeling really crap, my head keeps racing and I'm trying to think of ways to get Xaynee back in my care. I've been on the net the whole night, just looking at the law and how it affects my case. I can't remember where I got the info that Johan had to give his consent if I wanted to take Xaynee out of SA because he is registered as her natural father, I think someone must have SAID it to me because all of the laws and the sites I've looked at says that I don't need his consent. Everything is just so confusing when it comes to SA, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I still think that I'm just going to go with trying to get Johan's name removed from the birth register. Guess I'll have to see what happens in court, that is if someone gets back to me SOME day with a new date that is. They are just so damn pathetic in that damn country it makes me want to scream when I have to pick up the phone.

I went one step higher with the complaint regarding the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case as well. I emailed the director at the head office of the organisation she is working for and threatened them with the SACSSP. They actually sent me a reply just to acknowledge receipt of my complaint and said they will investigate it and reply as soon as possible. I was really surprised. Still, it just goes to show you to what extremes you have to go to just to get something done. Nothing is easy when it comes to SA.

2008-07-16T14:06:00.003+02:00

I'm sad. I'm angry.

I feel helpless and I just want to cry.

The following video is for my two little girls.

If I never get the chance to see them again, I just want them to know that I have and always will love them.

If you hear a voice in the middle of the night
Sayin’ it’ll be alright
It will be me

If you feel a hand guiding you along
When the path seems wrong
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

If there is a key that goes to your heart
A special part
It will be me

If you need a friend
Call out to the wind
To hold you again
It will be me

Oh how the world seems so unfair
Creating a love that can not be shared
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

Past the ever after there’s a place for two
In your tears of laughter
I’ll be there for you

In the sun and the moon
In the land and the sea
Look all around you
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
It will be me
It will be me...

Aanvaarding

2008-07-11T06:02:00.003+02:00

Nadat ek gister weer met Lili gepraat het en dit my vreeslik ontstel het om haar te hoor se dat sy nie vir die vakansie wanneer ek daar is weer soos laas jaar na my ouers toe wil gaan sodat ons almal daar kan bly vir die vakansie nie, het ek laat gisteraand gaan stap en dit was donker teen die tyd dat Andy my gebel het en vir my gevra het waar ek is omdat hy alreeds by die huis was.

Die afgelope ruk het ek al hoe meer depressief begin raak en dit het weer die punt bereik waar ek nie eers meer in die oggend lus voel om op te staan nie. Wat dit nog erger maak is dat ek alles op Andy uithaal en boonop daarop uit gaan om met hom moeilikheid te soek omdat ek na 'n manier soek om van als wat so opkrop binne in my ontslae te raak. Alhoewel hy soms ook maar ingee en kwaad word vat dit nie lank voordat hy na my toe kom en vir my 'n drukkie gee en my weer moed inpraat nie. Hy is wonderlik en ek weet werklik nie wat ek sonder hom sou gedoen het nie.

Ek het vir Lili gese dat ons in daardie geval dan maar net 'n dag of twee in Bloemfontein sal oorbly sodat sy my darem kan sien, maar diep binne my maak dit so seer om net te dink aan haar "uh-uh" toe ek vir haar vra of sy by my ouers wil gaan kuier.

Dit gaan nou al so lank aan en dis nie haar skuld dat sy van my vervreem is nie, so ek kan haar nie blameer nie. Dolf het sy sin gekry, maar dis nou nog vir my moeilik om in te sien hoe iemand so wreed kan wees.

Hierdie hele situasie met Lili het my die laaste tyd nogal baie laat dink aan die 5 fases van aanvaarding dat jy besig is om dood te gaan nadat ek nou die aand The Bucket List gekyk het. Die 5 fases is natuurlik:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Dis natuurlik op baie gevalle van toepassing en ek weet ook nou dat ek deur meeste hiervan is, behalwe aanvaarding. Ek het altyd gese dat ek nooit sal ophou baklei nie, maar dalk is dit ook tyd dat ek begin aanvaar dat ek niks meer aan die situuasie kan doen nie en dat slegs tyd sal leer.

Miskien is dit tyd dat ek begin fokus op die dinge waaraan ek wel iets kan doen, soos Xaynee.

My gedagtes en my lewe het ontaard in iets wat lyk soos 'n bondel wasgoed in 'n wasmasjien. Ek kon nie meer uitmaak wat wat is nie en een ding loop na 'n ander. Als is net 'n gemors en ek kon nie meer fokus of konsentreer op dit wat werklik saak maak nie.

Dis tyd dat dit verander en dit gaan vandag gebeur.

Ek het besluit om meer aandag te gee aan die hele kwessie wat Xaynee betref, wat natuurlik beteken dat ek weer die hof gaan kontak rakende 'n nuwe hofdatum en ek gaan ook die Departement van Binnelandse Sake email en ook kontak rakende haar geboorte. Hopelik kry ek vir 'n slag iets gedoen want ek is al so moeg vir al die pogings wat tot niks lei nie dat ek al wil skree.

Ek gaan ook begin werk aan punte waarop ek kan fokus wat Xaynee betref want niks gaan my weghou van die dinge want ek nog oorhet in my lewe nie en dit sluit op hierdie stadium net Andy en Xaynee in. Dit beteken nie dat ek vir Lili afgeskryf het nie. Dit maak bitter seer om net aan haar te dink en net die gedagte aan haar pragtige glimlag bring trane in my oe, maar ek kan nie meer my hele lewe van koers af hou ter wille van haar nie. Sy sal altyd 'n plek he by ons en ek sal seker maak dat sy dit weet wanneer ek vir haar gaan hallo se, maar dis tyd om te aanvaar en laat gaan, al is dit nie maklik nie.

My besluit

2008-07-07T22:50:00.002+02:00

Ek het na baie dink en tob besluit dat ek afgesien van die feit dat meeste van die mense wat my blog lees engels is, nie meer in engels te skryf nie.

Vanaand het ek op Youtube na videos gekyk van Pretoria en weer gesit en tjank soos 'n klein hondjie oor 'n verlore been en ek het myself vreeslik jammer gekry. Dis toe dat woorde in my gedagtes opgekom het wat ek baie lank terug gehoor het en op 'n manier was dit vir my baie van toepassing op hoe ek die laaste ruk voel

"Sometimes you have to let the bad things in with the good"

Nadat Andy se ouma en broer teruggekom het van Amerika af en ek weer elke dag vir klein Skye (sy is amper 4 en is Andy se ander broer se dogtertjie, maar Andy se ma pas haar deur die dag op) moes sien het dinge my al hoe meer begin vang.

Ek het vreeslik na Xaynee begin verlang en het vandag weer vir Andy gese ek wil teruggaan huistoe. Hy wil my net gelukkig sien en het vir my gese dat hy besef dat ek nooit werklik myself sal toelaat om gelukkig te wees sonder my kinders in my lewe nie en hy is reg.

Op 'n manier voel dit amper verkeerd om myself toe te laat om gelukkig te wees, maar dit gaan ook oor baie meer as dit. Ek kan dit nie help om geirriteerd te raak met die bedorwe brokkie heeldag hier om my wat heeltyd haar sin wil he anders gooi sy 'n helse tantrum nie en dit het my weereens laat besef dat my kinders, en selfs Xaynee met haar gestremdheid en frustrasies, baie gedisiplineerd is nie. In alle eerlikheid gese, meeste van die kinders hier is iets horribaals en geen Suid Afrikaanse ouer sal toelaat wat hier toegelaat word nie. Dit maak my net van voor af bekommerd wat Xaynee betref en of dit die regte ding gaan wees om haar hiernatoe te bring.

Ek het darem vandag weer met haar gepraat en dis wonderlik om te hoor hoe mooi sy nou al haar woorde uitspreek.

Ek moet egter erken dat alhoewel ek maklik se dat ek wil teruggaan SA toe, sal dit glad nie vir my makllik wees om Andy te los nie, nie na als wat ons reeds deur is om te kom waar ons nou is nie en ek het hom baie lief.

Afgesien hiervan is daar ook die wrywing tussen my en sy broer wat soms gedryf word tot die punt waar ons letterlik sal vassit oor onnodige kwessies. Ek het vandag besef dat dit van ons albei af kom en dit maak my soortvan bang om verskeie redes.

Vanaand mis ek Suid Afrika en my kiddiez net vreeslik en ek voel hartseer en gefrustreerd, maar ook opgewonde om terug te gaan want daar is so baie dinge wat ek vir Andy wil wys wanneer ons in September teruggaan en ek kan amper nie wag nie.

Meeste van als, ek kan nie wag dat hy my Sonprinsessie ontmoet nie want ek dink hy gaan absoluut mal wees oor haar :o)

Revenge

2008-07-04T14:23:00.003+02:00

Of all of the photos I have taken of Lili, this one was always my favourite. When I look at it now, all I can see is a sad look in her eyes and it makes me want to cry.

I know it's over and that it's time for me to accept that Dolf has won this battle.

Somehow I just can't. Andy's talked me out of most of my negative thoughts and although I know it may not be worth it and that I'm probably just wasting my time, I'm still phoning people to keep fighting. That includes the family advocate and the Children's Court and even though this woman at the Department of Social Development told me that I'll first have to establish a relationship with Lili again (which won't happen) before I can get her back, I just can't let go.

Something in me snapped last night. I used to be the type of person who let things just go their own way, but at this stage, wrong as it may seem I am starting to think of taking revenge on both Dolf and Elsabe and make them pay for this nightmare I have been living for more than a year now.

It's not over, not until I see him suffer the pain and hurt I have been made to suffer ever since I met him and as for Elsabe, she should have known better than to drive me to this point.

They will regret every tear that they made me cry.

Reaching the end

2008-07-03T21:04:00.004+02:00

After not phoning Lili on Monday night, thinking I might give it a break, I phoned again tonight and had a long conversation with her which made me realise that this fight is just not worth fighting anymore.

I told her that I was only going to phone her once a week from now on and that my parents are not going to phone her again because she never wants to speak to them. She didn't sound upset or even bothered about it. I asked her if she still wanted to go away with us on holiday when I'm there and she told me straight that she didn't want to.

I had to fight to hold the tears back. It hurt so much to hear all of these things coming from my little girl.

Maybe I was just in denial the whole time, thinking that one day I will have her back.

The way I'm feeling at the moment, I just want to send her her cellphone and forget that I have a daughter. I told her that I'd send her the cellphone and not visit if she wanted to, but she said she did want to see me.

I just don't know how to handle all the pain and hurt inside.

I phoned Xaynee earlier as well but didn't talk to her for very long before I got into another fight with Johan about money that he wants from me for Xaynee. All I wanted to know was Xaynee's shoe size so I could send her some shoes and clothes, but all he wanted was to know whether I was going to send money as well. I'm just so sick and tired of his shit, so I lost my temper, told him "Fuck you" and put down the phone.

This is all coming on top of me not being myself lately. I'm irritated by the smallest things and I'm really moody. I've been taking it out on Andy nd what makes it even worse is that I've cut off most of my emotions to the point where I don't regret it when I hurt him. I swore that I'd never do this to him but I don't know how to handle everything anymore.

I guess it started after that first time he cut himself off me and I started doing the same. I do tend to treat people the way they treat me and it only became worse after that because I'm so frustrated and sad.

I also phoned the Children's Court on Tuesday and asked what happened with the court case and whether it was postponed. A woman called Rachel, to whom I've spoken before, told me that neither the social worker, nor Johan turned up for court and that she will have to talk to the social worker about a new court date.

I guess it's supposed to be good news, but I'm caring less and less and even here, I have been receiving the comments, but I just couldn't bring myself to even publish it.

This is like one long nightmare. I just want it to end. As if I know that the longer I stay here, the harder it's going to be to wake up and get myself back into reality.

I've been having so many second thoughts and regrets about coming here in the first place. Maybe love just wasn't worth it after all. The small things is the things that make up your life, small things like the way you raise a child. I wouldn't want my children to be anything like Andy's brother's daughter. She's a spoiled little brat and she's got absolutely no discipline and even Andy sometimes seems to think that she behaves in the right way while I'm just disgusted to see a child behaving the way she does. Other children here use foul language and the discipline is definitely an issue over here. I don't want my children to be like that.

I have too many thoughts running through my head at the moment and I can't make sense of any of it to be writing here really, I just need to get rid of some of it, so I'm trying.

I don't even want to close my eyes anymore because it only leads to more thoughts...thoughts which lead to pain...and hurt.

This is the cellphone I bought for Lili for her birthday. When I saw it, I just thought that it would be perfect for her. It even has these little butterflies on the front cover. It made me happy to buy this, now I just want to forget about everything.

What is a life with all this hurt and pain worth...?

After taking a break...

2008-06-28T12:12:00.002+02:00

As you can see, I took a break from life on the web for a while. I needed to get some kind of direction in my life again, but in the meantime quite a few things happened.

On Thursday I went to work with Andy so we could spend a little more time together. We've both been working on other ways to get more money in and that caused us to be spending alot less time together than we used to. I had to phone Lili from Andy's cellphone, although I didn't have much hope that she would answer after the way things have been going. I was sitting in the corner of the pub and when the cellphone said 19:00, I phoned Dolf's house phone. To my surprise Lili answered with an excited: "Hello Mamma!". We were talking for a while and I told her that I would bring her a few DVD's because I know she loves watching movies, what bothered me though is that twice during our conversation i sounded as if another phone was being used to listen in on our conversation. After the second time that I noticed this, the phone cut off. I tried to phone again and Dolf picked up and started shouting at me that I could phone Lili after 20:00. I was confused until Andy told me that it was in fact 19:00 in SA, apparently the cellphone's time was wrong. It was an honest mistake and I really didn't deserve to be shouted at like that. This is the type of behaviour that Lili sees coming from her dad and it is just wrong. I phoned again after 20:00 and told Lili that my time had been wrong on my cellphone and that it was an honest mistake, she didn't seemed too bothered about it though and just continued talking and she reminded me about her cellphone lol even Andy heard and understood because I had her on speakerphone. She said that she'll speak to me again today, so we'll see what happens later when I phone.

I phoned Xaynee earlier and she is really getting so cute over the phone. I can make out more and more of her words now and it looks like the speech therapy is finally paying off. I still think that she will be better off here where she will get one-on-one treatment and not like there where she is just another child in a class full of children. I really miss my little angel and sometimes I wish that I could just have her here so that I can take her to the beach.

Things have been going better between me and Andy lately and I've also been spending some time with his mom. My health also seems to be improving and I think that most of the symptoms I've been experiencing lately was caused by the new treatment, but my system have adapted to it now and I really hope that it will work so that I can stop using the steroids.

I've been working hard at cleaning up the house during the past two weeks that Andy's gran has been away. They'll be back on Sunday but I'm not really looking forward to it because Mathew gets to me. I didn't realise how nervous he made me until they were gone and I noticed that I was more relaxed.

Yesterday Andy's mom said something that got me upset all over again. The whole issue about me 'not doing anything around the house' was raised by her again. This is a long story but basically it comes down to Andy's family thinking I'm lazy because I haven't really been doing anything around the house since I came here.

This is a difficult issue for me and although I did suffer from jet lag and I had to adjust to the climate and then I became ill, it never had anything to do with me being lazy. The first time this was brought under my attention, I was really shocked and almost disgusted by the way they had been going about talking behind my back. I was raised differently in that aspect, I suppose. If you haven't discussed something with someone first, don't even dare talk about the issue about that person with me because that person has a right to know first. I don't go about talking about people behind their backs and if I have something to say, I say it, which caused people over here to regard me as being too abrupt. I don't care though.

I was raised to respect people, and with that also their way of life and their belongings. When I came to live here, it was difficult for me to 'place myself' and I was scared. It wasn't my house and I tried to do things the way I would have in SA, but even these people and their culture differ from us. For example, I would feel offended if someone came to live in my house and change or clean certain things in their own way. It gives you that feeling of 'not being good enough' for this person. That was my issue when I came here to be honest. I was so afraid that I might offend anyone that it seemed easier to just back away. Trying to make people understand this isn't easy though and I'm really upset about the fact that even Andy's mom never told me the truth about how his gran felt, not until yesterday that is. It is only AFTER I started doing things out of my own, mostly because I felt comfortable with no one being around, that she told me. I have to admit that I didn't really have the energy to do the things I have been doing lately when I first came here, but now I'm scared of how I'm going to keep doing things once his gran is back and everything is back to normal. I'm going to feel uncomfortable, that's just the way I am.

More bad news

2008-06-24T14:05:00.003+02:00

Andy woke me up this morning. His first words was "You'll be surprised at what I read."

I was wrong.

He read my blog and he's hurt. I didn't know what to say and I'm still not sure how I feel. All I know is that he's all that I have left and that I do love him. If I lost him that would take all my reason for keeping this fight up away. I'm not even sure if he's going to come home this afternoon and on the one hand I want to phone him and ask him to please come home, but I'm scared because I don't want to bother him at work.

I phoned the person I had to complain to about the social worker who is handling Xaynee's case earlier because it is almost the 30th and I need to know if they will postpone the court case for me. This person told me that he received my letter last week already. These people just never fail to surprise me. Why didn't he come back to me?! He just said that he still needs to talk to the social worker and that he will phone me back.

i then phoned Lili's social worker and was informed by the woman at the switchboard that the social worker is on holiday until the 10th of July. At this point you should please excuse my language, but WHAT THE FUCK???

So I asked the woman if there is another social worker who I could talk to and I was told that the other one is on sick leave.

There are only 3 things that you can do in a case like this: laugh, cry or get angry.

Tears and anger will get me nowhere, so I just chose to laugh. Then I phoned Xaynee and although she seemed kind of distant she sounded happy to talk to me.

Then Johan started on me again about maintenance. The more I try to explain to him that there is no way that I can pay maintenance unless I work because the court won't hold Andy responsible, the less he seemed to understand it. Next thing, he said that he is going to sue my parents for maintenance then. Before thinking, I broke down and just put the phone down after I told him that he and Dolf are the two cruelest people I've ever come across. He only replied that I'm the cruel one before I put the phone down. I realized later that he's not entitled to maintenance anyway unless he has full custody or is awarded anything by the Children's Court during the next court case.

I shouldn't have let him get to me, but I'm really sad about Andy and hurting him. I know I am being selfish, but it feels like I'm living in a trance where reality is just passing in front of my eyes and I'm not really part of it. I wish I knew how to pull myself together. I've done it before, I can't let it win me this time.

Second thoughts

2008-06-24T05:41:00.005+02:00

I'm not even really in the mood to be typing here. I haven't slept all night and I'm depressed and sad. Everything is finally getting to me end I don't have the wiilpower to stop it any longer because I am just not happy.

I can go on for ages and explain how I'm feeling but I really can't be bothered anymore. As I'm mainly keeping this blog to keep record of everything as far as my shildren are concerned, I don't see the point in even complaining about it anymore.

Im just fed up to be honest.

On Saturday Dolf answered the phone and told me that Lili didn't want to speak to me. It was strange because I actually gave my parents time to phone her first, so I phoned them and asked if they remembered to phone her and my dad told me that Dolf kept ignoring their phone calls. He tried phoning again then from another number and Elsabe told my mom that Lili didn't want to speak to them either.

Last night I phoned again and Elsabe told me again that Lili didn't want to speak to me. I just put the phone down without saying a word. I phoned my dad and asked him to phone and he was told the same by Dolf.

Not much I can do about it except just send another email to the social worker. It's just frustrating because she isn't doing much to help me either and I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to see Lili when I go back.

I also told my dad the truth about Xaynee's paternity, but he seems to think that I'm lying about it. He's actually convinced that Johan is her father. Doesn't matter I guess.

Nothing really does.

My oldest brother finally contacted me after more than a year, which is about the only thing that I'm glad about at the moment.

The new immunosupressants the specialist has put me on is causing me to feel like shit, but at least I've got rid of most of the water retention and I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore.

I have finally come to realize that I am really unhappy. Andy and I have been slowly drifting apart and even though I know that he means well and probably does love me, I am starting to doubt that this is going to work out. He is on the computer most of the time when he;s at home, either playing games or doing something else, while I have started to turn my focus to just cleaning the house and doing ironing or watching movies...anything to keep myself busy. I've never felt so alone. He doesn't read my blog anymore either, so I really don't care care what I write in here and even if he does...at least I;m being honest.

The sadness is slowly tearing me apart, but I refuse to cry. Somehow I've found a way to supress all the physical and emotional pain I feel and I choose not to give in to the hurt and pain that goes along with giving in to tears. I just don't think I'll be able to pull through it. Not alone.

My dad sent me these two photos the other day after he got his computer working again, it made me smile for a while at least to see my two little girls when they were still so small.

The one of Xaynee (below) was taken when she was only about a year old and the one of Lili on the right was taken by my dad when she was three years old. It is his favourite picture of her because she was so angry. On the photo she has stones in her hand and the angry look was because my mom told her to throw the stones away before she could get back into the car.

Well, it's 5:30 am now and i'm finally getting tired. I'm actually suprised that I managed to finish this to be honest. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up.

Confession about Xaynee

2008-06-21T11:59:00.005+02:00

I've been sitting here in front of the computer for a while now without doing anything really except listen to a few Afrikaans songs. I then read a few blogs and it got me thinking again.

I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing, but lately I just couldn't care less about posting here anymore. Last night it bothered me though, because I know that it helped me to get rid of all of the frustrations and anger and sometimes hurt I feel inside.

I don't really care who reads here or what they think to be honest, I'm just me...being honest and true to myself and about what I am feeling inside. People are very judgemental unfortunately, and that is something I tend to fall victim to easily as I am hurt so easily by words. Andy and I used to chat to this woman from Australia on that mobile site back then before we actually met for example. We were such good friends until Andy and I broke up and this woman turned on me because Andy then had a short relationship with another Australian woman who was her friend. When Andy and I got back together and she read in my old blog about my plans of leaving my children behind in SA and coming to Guernsey, she told me straight that I was a bad mother and so did other people. It was never easy and I had to learn not to let what others think affect me so much.

I'm typing here, but I'm afraid that today I'm not going to make much sense as my thoughts are jumping from one to the next again.

I spoke to Lili on Thursday again, so all is going well with that. I'm more worried about what the hell is going on with Johan. I phoned on Thursday to speak to Xaynee and he said she wasn't with him, she was with his mom. I asked if it would be ok if I phoned on Friday and he said it was. I asked him about the noise in the background and he admitted that he was in a pub, drinking. Then he said that I'll have to phone between 12:00 and 13:30 SA time because he is taking Xaynee back to his mom. Obviously something is going on here. I know he's got the new girlfriend now, so his 'concern' about Xaynee is not what it used to be. It is just so obvious, to me at least that he had been using Xaynee to get to me, but now that doesn't matter anymore because he has found a new supply source for his sick narcissism.

I thought about keeping this out of my blog, but since I've been honest so far and this will bring more perspective on to just how sick a person like Johan can be, I decided that I am going to tell you.

Back in 2002 when I first met Johan at work, we were only together for a few months until he basically told me to take my things and go. So I did. This happened in December 2002 and it was exactly at the time that Lili was supposed to visit Dolf in Kuruman. I decided to visit Kuruman with her and I stayed with Dolf at his parents' place. We actually had a good time and I even went with him to his year-end function. Something happened during the first night we went out though...

I met a guy in the night club we visited whose name was LeRoy. I don't even remember his surname anymore but I ended up going home with him after Dolf got jealous, which he had no right to. Needless to say, this was to me nothing more than a one-night stand, or so I thought at the time. LeRoy was engaged and I knew there were no chance of us ever being together even after he came to visit me at Dolf's parents' house after that a couple of times. Dolf obviously figured out that there was more between me and LeRoy than I was letting on and after I went back to Pretoria with Lili and eventually ended up moving back in with Johan, he also told Johan about me and LeRoy.

Johan wasn't supid and he checked my cellphone and saw LeRoy's number and that he had been phoning me. LeRoy even bought me airtime at times and I truly missed him, but I had to let go eventually. We both had to. He became a memory I knew I could never let go, of a blonde boy with the most stunning eyes I'd ever come across until I saw Andy's dark blue eyes :)

I never claimed to be an innocent young girl and I used to be a rebellious teenager, I wouldn't change a thing about my past though, I learned most of what I know today through the mistakes I made.

Back to LeRoy...

This is the part where it becomes complicated. In May 2003 I found out that I was already 20 weeks pregnant. I was stunned.
Then I made the calculations....

I wasn't with Johan when I became pregnant, and he knew it. He kept asking me if I slept with LeRoy, even until just a few days before I came here. I just couldn't admit it, I was too scared and he knew it.

Fact is, it is highly improbable that Xaynee is Johan's child.

To add to the fact fact that I was away from Johan for almost the whole of December 2002, Xaynee has blonde hair and green eyes and those that have seen her photo will know, she is very light skinned. Johan has got a very dark skin, although he is 'white' (not being racist) and both his other children has that same dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes he's got.

I know that genetically anything is possible, but this is something I never thought of until Andy mentioned it to me again. I told Andy everything about myself and he even knew that I did contact LeRoy afterwards and told him that there was a possibility that Xaynee was his child. He was still engaged to the same girl and he souldn't care less about Xaynee and asked me what I wanted from him. I was hurt but left it there and told him that I just think he ought to know.

I never spoke to LeRoy again, but I remember something about him mentioning something about going to the UK, but this was in 2005.

In the meantime, Johan kept asking me about me and LeRoy for the whole time of our relationship. He didn't consider this when he expected me to register Xaynee at home affairs though because he told me to register her in his name and with him as being her father, even though we both knew what the truth was. He knew that I would submit out of fear.

Maybe now you will understand why it's so important for me to get Xaynee back. Johan had been using her because he was so obsessed with me and he didn't think of what the consequences were going to be. He may say that he loves her, but this man knows absolutely nothing about what love really is. My child deserves so much more.

This is where it comes to my parents. I am still not sure whether it is because Xaynee is Johan's (or so they assume), or because of her disability that they never accepted her. My personal opinion is that it is because of Johan.

This is what angers me the most about my parents. I wonder sometimes if they would have treated her better if I'd been honest from the start. What would they do if I told them now?

This is the thing about being raised the way I was. You just don't talk to your parents about sex or anything related to it and that is exactly what brings situations like these on. This child is being treated badly for me making the mistake of being too scared to be honest about it with my parents because THEY raised me this way.

Been busy lately

2008-06-18T20:34:00.004+02:00

I haven't been posting alot lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things for various reasons. Firstly, I thought that if I became more active in dong other things I would be less depressed, and it did help but I couldn't cope. The hepatitis got to me again and I started experiencing water retention that was so bad that I have trouble walking now. I even went to A&E on Monday because the specialist who is treating me wasn't on the island. The doctor on the hospital only gave me tablets to help for the water retention but it didn't help at all so Andy's mom phoned the specialist today and he said the water retention is being caused by the fact that I am on such a high dose of steroids, but that I should stop using the water retention tablets because it is only causing strain on my kidneys. According to him, I just need to lie down and put my feet up. I'm not very happy about that because I don't want to stay in bed, it's only making me depressed because I have too much time to think, but I have an appointment with him on Friday so we'll see what happens then.

I got to speak to Lili on Monday, although she sounded ok, I can still pick up on her being very uncomfortable and I'm getting a bit worried about that. She really does sound excited to see me in September and that makes me happy. What I'm even more worried about is that I sent the social worker an email after I couldn't speak to Lili on Saturday and I told her that I'm really getting worried about Lili. She replied that Dolf didn't show up for their appointment and that he didn't phone with an excuse either. She is having difficulty getting hold of them now. This really doesn't sound good, and September is getting close.

I should try and phone Xaynee, I suppose. I am just having difficulty doing it lately because it makes me so sad to talk to her and not know how much of what I say she actually understands. I also don't want to upset her, but I'm going to phone tomorrow.

Lately I've caught myself feeling guilty about things again that I know isn't really my fault. I feel guilty even for being in Andy's life. He doesn't have to put up with me being ill most of the time and having all this trouble with my children and everything. I think it's got something to do with my dad saying to me that I'm costing Andy alot of money, and to be honest...it's true. That's another reason I haven't been phoning Xaynee, because I feel guilty about the cost of the phone calls to SA. I really hate feeling like this, and what makes it worse is knowing that even if I was allowed to work over here I probably wouldn't have managed with my illness making every second day a living hell for me.

There are times I wish I could explain to someone what I feel like, but I doubt I'll be able to and anyway....there's just no point in trying to.

Father's Day

2008-06-15T12:25:00.003+02:00

I wasn't always the little angel my daddy wanted me to be
Sometimes I made him angry
I even made him cry
I must have been a disappointment in so many ways
Knowing he had so many dreams for me
But it's too late now
I can't go back
But my daddy doesn't care
He taught me so many things through the years
My daddy's not a strong man
And he is getting old
But what I know about determination...
He showed me (unknowingly) to push through
Never to give up
I wish I could give my dad a hug today
Not just to say 'Happy Father's Day'
But also 'Thank You' for being who he is
I can use alot of nice words
But in my heart I know that I don't have to
My daddy will understand
He knows me well
Because I am my Daddy's Girl

*Ek is lief vir pappa*

xxx

Looking for a way...

2008-06-14T23:31:00.011+02:00

This song describes so much of what I went through when I came here.

I'm not homesick, I'm just sad.

I translated this song for Andy before we met, didn't know back then what was going to happen or what it would feel like sitting thousands of miles away from my children and the place that I called 'home' for 25 years. It is unfortunately an afrikaans song, but some of these words are just so spot on with the description of what happened.

"Ek het jou dopgehou, met 'n jas in jou hand
Deur doeane gespook, na 'n nuwe land
Jou oe was natgehuil, maar jou hart was braaf"

It's strange, seeing the words and having these memories. I didn't have an easy time going through customs, after not being allowed on the plane the first time and then they had a problem with the fact that it was my first trip to the UK and the UK immigration rules are very strict.
I even had a coat with me, makes me smile. It was still hot in SA when I left, but I knew it would be cold over here so I took the coat with me on the plane. My sister-in-law actually gave it to me, she worked in England a long time ago and she told me that I would need it.
I didn't cry until I got on the plane, not even when my dad bought me a P.S. chocolate bar (I still have it) with the words "Ek is lief vir jou.", my dad later told me how proud he is of me for being so brave.
I didn't realize what he meant at first, but thinking about it now, I must have been brave. I left my country, my family, my children, and everything I had behind and I got on a plane and left to start a new life on an island I never even heard of until 2 years earlier. For someone like me that was a big accomplishment, after all, I hadn't made any of my own decisions for quite some time. The only thing that I was sure of was that I had someone who loved me who was waiting for me in England on Heathrow airport.

I wonder sometimes what the real story behind this song was.

Andy and I ofcourse hadn't seen each other for 6 weeks by the time I got to England. During that time this song reminded me of the time we took him to Brooklyn Mall and of how much fun we had together. He also wrote me a letter the night before he left, he had hidden it in my handbag. I still have it.

"Vir die eerste maand was my hart verniel
Oral waar ek kom is ek 'n derde wiel
Maar die tyd sal leer was ons woorde
Ek het jou lief, was jou brief
Jy's 'n poet my ding
Jy moet aanhou sing
Deur die internet praat ons gou-gou weer"

It actually used to hurt, and I mean HURT, whenever we used to speak over Skype or on the phone. I used to listen to this:

(not the original video) Far Away - Nickleback

...and it made me cry. I could hear his voice inside my head...singing this song to me, the way he used to. He's got an amazing voice and I used to stare at him whenever he sang anything to me, it took my breath away.

This song also had a very special meaning to us because of the way we kept loving each other even after we broke up the first time.

It was as though the words were especially written for us.

I'm just looking for a way to stay positive I guess. I've been crying so much tonight and I'm looking for something to hold on to because Andy is at work and his gran and Mathew left for America this morning, so I'm a bit lonely.

I tried to phone Lili earlier...

Elsabe told me she didn't want to talk to me. I didn't want to believe it, so I said to Elsabe I want to hear Lili say it, so I heard Lili say in the background that she didn't want to talk to me...

It hurt so much, but there was nothing I could do so I told Elsabe to tell Lili that I'll phone again on Monday.

I guess Dolf finally did it.

Not sure how to stay positive anymore. There's just nothing positive to see in the fact that my own daughter don't want to speak to me.

Still, I won't give up. I'll just have to hang on to the hope that one day she will understand.

I won't allow them to destroy me, I've come too far for that and I have a wonderful man to hold on to, I owe him my life and my love.

We waited for what seemed like a lifetime to be together and he may not be perfect, and neither am I, but he makes me smile. He's the one who gives me back my strength every time I want to give up and he's the one who keeps me safe.

Love is something you can't describe. It's like a soft breeze that makes your spirit fly, gentle enough not to remove you from what is important to you, it will not hurt you. Yet, it's strong and steady enough, like a rock, when you need something to hold on to when your days are filled with rain and thunderstorms. It won't let you down...and it never forgets.

I may cry a million tears, sometimes I don't and I just let the river of pain run through me...but it won't take away the love I feel in my heart for my two angel girls....

I just don't get it!

2008-06-12T22:11:00.002+02:00

Well, it's the same old story...

Tried to phone Lili NINE TIMES on all of her father's different numbers and they wouldn't answer it. It's strange that when I phone Elsabe's number that they do actually ignore the phone call, but on his cell and the house phone they just don't answer.

Am I stupid or something here? Coz I just don't get why they don't want me to speak to my daughter. I never did that to him, so what is he trying to accomplish? Everything was fine when I spoke to Lili on Monday, she sounded ok and now I'm just worried and sad all over again.

Not a good time for that either to be honest.

At least I got hold of Xaynee earlier and I can hear that she really misses me. She sounded so sad, I could hear it in her voice and it just made me feel even worse. She needs me.

I just don't know. Things are just getting worse by the day now and I suspect that it may be my fault. When Andy came home this afternoon, he spent his time playing WOW on the PC. We don't get to spend much time together anymore because he had to go back to work at around 17:00. I was upset but kept it to myself and went to sleep after I posted my earlier entry from my phone.

I wish I could make everything right again. He doesn't really know how to handle the fact that it hurts me so much that I can't be with my children, but when I try to explain it to him it's like talking to a brick wall. I just don't get through to him. There were times while we were still just chatting, before we actually met, that I did pick up that he tends to do this but he usually got back to being himself again in a few days. It's not getting better though and neither am I.

I'm not even sure if I'm angry or surprised about the fact that Solf wouldn't let me speak to Lili, nothing surprises me anymore. I refuse to get depressed though, I'd rather not feel anything than sit and feel sorry for myself.

I was worried about it that I'm turning into this cold person again and I remembered that it's been days since I last cried. So I thought if I watched the video I made for my kiddiez, then just maybe I'll feel something. I didn't and I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

Andy doesn't deserve this really. He's always been there for me and gave me everything he could, how can I do this to him? I don't want to, but I don't know how to change the way I feel.

Worried

2008-06-12T17:08:00.000+02:00

I've been worried for a while now about the way I have been feeling lately.
I mentioned to Andy the other night that it felt to me that we're drifting apart. He just feels so distant and I can't seem to get through to him any longer. He said in his blog that it was because he felt guilty for taking me away from my children and that it hurts him to see me so sad. Maybe it's just my own fault. I'm having thoughts about going back again and it's not just because it feels like I'm losing Andy. In a way I know that he isn't being completely honest and I'm hardly eyes wrong.
I really thought our love was strong enough to get through this, but I don't know anymore. . .

. . . T.h.O.u.G.h.T.s . . .

2008-06-12T02:21:00.000+02:00

It was due to happen . . Should have known . . As it slips away . . I try to hold on . . Too late . . Let go . . Another try . . Another tear falls to the ground . . Ridding me of memories . . Maybe this time I will hide . . Try to forget . . Live in emptiness . . Emotionless . . Watch seconds tick by . . Hear the sound . . Like a heartbeat . . Once felt . . Now miles away . . Look away . . Watch the stars . . See the dark . . See me turn . . Into a shadow of the past . . I will blend . . Watch you every day . . My promise never to forget . .

My Story Part Thirteen

2008-06-11T13:08:00.002+02:00

It was the most terrible 6 weeks of my life. Not only did I miss Andy, but Johan started taking control over me again to such a degree that it almost made me decide to stay there.

I was torn between knowing that I will have to leave my children behind and wanting to get away, not just to be with Andy, but also to get away from Johan. With every day that passed, my life turned into more of a complete hell and I had to pretend in front of Johan as if nothing was wrong. Somehow he had a feeling that something wasn't right though and that made his behaviour even worse at times.

I didn't want to risk telling him the truth about my plans, in a way I wasn't only afraid that he might get violent, but he also threatened me with Xaynee. I was also afraid that he might convince me to stay by manipulating me and intimidating me, today I'm almost sure I would've stayed if I told him.

I hated him, but he still convinced himself that I loved him and maybe that was my own fault. It was during this time that he contacted the social worker who is now working on Xaynee's case and asked her for her help. To keep him happy, I went to the first appointment and there he told the social worker that I'd met someone from the UK on chat (he never knew that I did in fact meet Andy while he was in SA, though I suspect he did), that I was unhappy, but that he wanted to work things out. I asked to speak to the social worker alone and then told her about Johan's obsession with me and that I was afraid of him. I told her that I didn't want to go back and that I was planning on leaving for the UK as soon as I get my passport. She seemed to understand and even stalled time for me by booking appointments weeks ahead to see me and she told Johan that I needed time. She then told me to write down my life story so she can help me deal with my problems. I did, but I only saw her twice after that and she didn't help me in any way.

Throughout this whole period, Johan used various manipulative tactics on me. To be honest, I've put off writing this part of my story for a while now because I wasn't sure about how much of what really happened I should mention, but at this stage I think I really need to deal with it, so I will go into most of the detail.

Johan had a way of making me feel guilty very easily. It therefore didn't take much of him to convince me into giving him what he wanted. He only really ever cared about what he wanted and needed, nothing else mattered.

He'd convince me to still do work for him (and with him) by telling me that he was on his own and that he had Xaynee to support etc. That made me feel guilty and I did whatever he asked, not for him, but for Xaynee. He never paid me, though I do remember that he gave me money once or twice, only to borrow it again at a later stage.

This frustrated me and he knew it. He used to take me out for lunch, but complain about money. It was ofcourse only a way of getting to spend time with me, which I didn't really want to do. It started getting worse when he tried to convince me to spend the weekend at the house because his kids were there. I didn't want to do it and after a fight on the Friday night that I spent there with them he finally took me home at 1 a.m. the morning.

The worst part of it all was the fact that he wanted sex. He actually told me that he would give me part of the profit he made if I agreed to sex, I cringed at the thought of having sex with him after being with Andy and I somehow talked my way out of it. I couldn't do that for long though, as he was getting suspicious and that was the last thing I wanted, I was scared, but I didn't want to give up seeing Xaynee until I leave.

One night Johan took me out to dinner and after a while I realized that the alcohol was really getting to me. In the car on the way home I fell asleep and when I woke up, the car was standing still and Johan had undressed me and was taking photos of me. He was already touching me and I knew that there was no way out, that if I tried to fight him he would get suspicious and probably hurt me. I wanted to die and when I got back home I told Andy everything, he deserved to know, but I couldn't take it anymore.

After this it only became worse. He knew he got what he wanted once and he knew that my fear would make me submit to do it again, I know that there were more incidents but somehow I managed to block most of it out. It was the only way I knew and still know of keeping myself sane. I'm still not sure what was really going on in his head. He used to say that I wouldn't give him sex if I didn't feel anything for him, while I actually did, but out of fear and nothing else. This fear wasn't just of being physically hurt by him, for the most part of it, it was about Xaynee. I don't really understand how he works things out in his head, but I'm convinced that he knew I wasn't doing it willingly and that he also knew that he had the power to control me.

I managed to get through this and I saw Xaynee the last time on the day before I left South Africa. I was meant to leave on the Saturday, but the airline didn't want to allow me on the plane due to some immigration rules. We had to book another flight for the Sunday night and as I was walking towards the plane, after I said goodbye to my parents, I sent Johan an sms in which I told him that I was leaving but I didn't tell him where I was going. I also asked him not to contact my parents.

As I was sitting on the plane, it all felt unreal and as the plane was lifting off, I knew my new life had just began. No more fear.

People who interrupt you

2008-06-11T02:30:00.001+02:00

I am just so angry right now, I want to scream! This is totally unlike me but lately this has been getting to me. I am almost sure that I mentioned this in an earlier post but it just seems to be getting worse and maybe I am the one over-reacting here, I don't know. I know that I can't expect Andy to be PERFECT, but I really wish that he'd stop interrupting me when I am talking. To me there is no way of showing more disrespect than by interrupting someone while that person is talking. Maybe it was just the way I was raised. I remember how my parents used to discipline us if we interrupted them and maybe it just stuck. It is just that the way I see it, someone can't REALLY be listening to you if they have been thinking of saying whatever they interrupt you with. It just doesn't make sense and it makes me angry because I don't want people to PRETEND to be listening when in fact they are not. Just say you don't want to listen then.

Useless info about my day lol

2008-06-11T01:18:00.001+02:00

I was feeling a bit better today, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I had the chance to speak to Lili last night. Although it makes me sad that I can't be with her, it always makes me happy to hear her little voice. I am trying not to let it bother me as much that she always seems to be uncomfortable and I pretend to take no notice because I think that makes it easier for her as well. I promised her that I will try to convince the social worker to allow for me and Andy to take her away for a short holiday, even if it's only a few days. She sounded so excited and she said she can speak a bit of english now. Now I only have to start teaching Andy some more Afrikaans. I haven't been able to bring myself to try to phone Xaynee again though. I do feel guilty, but it hurts so much to just think that I will probably not be able to talk to her if I do try to phone. I know I will bring myself to do phone eventually, maybe in a day or two. Today I went to the shops with FMIL and it turned out to be more fun than I expected it to be, we even forgot to pick up Andy lol ...It was also nice and warm today. For the first time I could actually smell the sea air as we were driving next to the beach and I can't wait for us to start going down to the beach. I really wouldn't trade this for the world, I just wish I could share it with my children and my parents.

My Mom Called Him A Parasite

2008-06-10T00:59:00.000+02:00

She was right. I hate to admit that I was wrong, but it's true. It always sounded so cruel and I actually believed at one stage that my mother just didn't want me to be happy. Little did I know back then that it was not myself thinking or talking. He imprinted this in my mind...very slowly, but people like him know exactly what they are doing and how to get what they want. I was young, ignorant and blind. I was afraid of labelling him as a narcissist, I always looked for the problem within myself. Even that was another tactic he used, he did it so easily. I believed him when he said that I had a problem, that I needed professional help. At some point I was so desperate that I even begged him to take me to see someone, he never did and now I can see why. It all seems confusing when you look at it this way, but I am aiming at working through my experiences one by one by taking everything that I have learned and using it so I can understand that what happened to me was not entirely my fault, and hopefully show others just how easily something like this can happen to anyone around them. People like these feed on you, they use you and they manipulate you. They need you, so they isolate and control you. They turn you into an empty shell, destroying everything that used to be a part of you and they only allow enough into your shell for them to feed upon whenever they feel the need. They are cruel, heartless people who show no regard for anyone's feelings.

Feelings of Guilt

2008-06-09T22:29:00.000+02:00

Something strange occured to me earlier today. I simply wanted to ask Andy to make me a cup of tea, as I wasn't feeling very well and I was in bed. My heart started pounding and I was just too afraid to ask him. He did notice that I wanted to say something and insisted that I just come out and say it. I was so afraid that it made me cry and I wasn't even sure why until I explained to him that I was afraid of what his reaction was going to be. He immediately understood what was going on inside my head and he said that he knows I am afraid that he may also change at any time and make me feel guilty for asking things, much like the way Johan and Dolf did. I know now that it was a controlling tactic that both of them used, cruel really, because it is still affecting me. I never thought that emotional abuse had so many aspects to it. By forcing myself to open up and face all of this, I have stirred up more emotions than I thought I would. I am remembering so many small details, which just goes to show that even a few words, said in a certain way, or a gesture, or even an insinuation can be used as bricks to build a prison which will isolate a person in order to control that person's life, feelings, and emotions.

Weekend happenings

2008-06-08T13:33:00.005+02:00

I decided to go with Andy to his work on Saturday because I felt I had to get out of the house for a bit. I'm still having a really difficult time getting used to the people over here, so I just did what I usually do and sat at a table doing some writing.

It doesn't really bother me to be on my own and I actually prefer it that way, for the moment at least. I had to phone Lili at 20:00 though, but the shop at the garage didn't sell my network provider's airtime credit, so I had to phone from the payphone. I kinda lost it when they didn't pick up the phone and the answering machine came on, because I had 2 pounds credit and lost it all. I haven't lost my temper like that for a very long time. I grabbed my handbag and stormed off down the road, I didn't get far before I just sat down and cried.

I felt angry at everyone, even Andy. Sometimes I wonder where he gets the strength to put up with my mood swings, he just seems to forget about it and he never brings it up again afterwards. As I was sitting there, I couldn't believe that I was so negative at that moment, while just an hour before, I was writing about how positive I was feeling. I also knew that I was probably overreacting, but I felt so powerless and lonely.

I was trying to justify what I had just done, so I blamed Andy for just assuming that I was supposed to know how the phone works, same as he is assuming that I am supposed to know how everything else around here works. No one has to tell me how childish that sounds, and that is exactly where my problem of expressing myself comes in.

I was not only angry about the fact that I couldn't speak to my daughter (I refused to use more money), I was also angry because I know exactly what her father is telling her and I am completely powerless to prevent it. He is the type who will use one phone call that I skipped, like this one, to prove in court that I didn't really care about phoning. There is no way I can prove that I had just spent more than R30 in their currency to make a phone call which they didn't answer. Although I have been phoning from the house phone since Elsabe said that I am always phoning from a different number (a ridiculous statement, I mean how many people do they know who phone from the UK?), it just isn't always possible for me to be at home. I never get out and the ONE time I did, this happens. I phoned their house phone because it was a different number I was now calling from and I didn't want them to be able to use the same excuse again as Elsabe did before by the number showing on Dolf's cell. This is just one small incident, but they always find a way to manipulate it in their favour by making it so damn complicated.

As far as me not wanting to spend more money to make another phone call goes, even though Andy told me to, that is another issue. I'm still making the mistake of converting everything into Rand value. Due to the fact that I was living in circumstances which the average South African would judge as 'poor' ever since I met and moved in with Johan, money tends to scare me. Even though I was brought up in a normal, middle-class home, I grew accustomed to not having money and that is what is making it really difficult for me here. It may seem like a small issue to most, but it influenced my life a whole lot more than I realized at first.

I actually tried to post this yesterday, but had to save a draft because I was feeling really ill for some reason so I went back to bed. Later the afternoon I phoned Johan so I could speak to Xaynee and again he said she was asleep. I wasn't feeling very well and for the first time I really got angry at him. He's got this irritating habit of not listening to people properly which forces you to repeat yourself to him, so when I asked him when I could call then because he always has an excuse that Xaynee is either not with him or asleep, and he told me to repeat myself, I flipped. I shouted exactly the same as what I had said earlier over the phone, I was stupid and should've known what he was trying to do, because that was when he put the phone down on me. It took me a while to calm down after that.

I know I should never have allowed myself to get angry, he doesn't deserve my anger. The thing that really set me off was the fact that I didn't speak to Lili the previous day either and I wasn't feeling very well either. It's small things and I shouldn't allow for it to upset me this much, but it just goes on and on and on...

Sometimes I wonder what is going through Andy's head when he sees me like that, or when I take it out on him and it really isn't his fault. He's never blamed me or even brought anything up afterwards. I asked him about it and he just said that life is too short to hold grudges. A simple and very old saying, but I guess that sums it up. Whenever I'm upset he just gives me a hug and tell me it'll be alright.

There is nothing special about our relationship, it's just a normal relationship with ups and (sometimes terrible) downs, but that is exactly what makes it different for me. Having gone through two abusive relationships, I didn't know what 'normal' was and what I was used to is what I grew accustomed to as being normal in any relationship. It's almost sad when I look back at it now, the way I found it difficult to trust Andy when we met on the chat site even though he never lied and was just being himself, he just seemed too perfect. Normal was too good to be true for me and I didn't want to trust him or anyone else, I knew what I had to do and how to act and what to say with Johan to keep him from getting angry. Or so I thought, but I was wrong in so many ways.

I found it strange at first when people used to comment and say that they didn't know how I could cope. Maybe it was because I didn't know either, so I took some time this weekend to think about it and I came to a few very interesting conclusions which I will post about later.

I do appreciate every comment and I have received more support than I expected to be honest. When I started my blog I never even meant to read other blogs or planned on keeping track of other people's blogs, but I find myself doing it every day now. In fact, I never expected that anyone would read my blog because to me my story and my thoughts just don't hold any significance. I want to thank the following people though:

These people have each in their own way proven to me that there are more to life than what I thought when I first started blogging and as long as there are people like them around, it gives me enough reason to overcome my obstacles and keep fighting not only for what I believe in, but also for what is right.

Guernsey vs SA - Petrol pumps

2008-06-07T03:46:00.000+02:00

I have been here for three months now and I am still amazed at how different things are over here. I just had to post this. I was waiting in the car in what appeared to me to be a closed-down petrol garage for my never-stop-talking future mother-in-law. I then realized that something didn't seem right, I knew for a fact that this garage was open because it is part of the shop where Mathew works. I took a closer look at one of the pumps and burst out laughing when I read the notice on it... PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS A SELF HELP SERVICE ...so F-M-I-L explained to me that you had to go inside to pay afterwards. I stared at her in disbelief and asked her whether people don't sometimes drive off without paying. She replied in a very matter-of-fact tone that it does happen, but that it is covered by the insurance. I just can't imagine ANYONE even TRYING to open a self help petrol garage in SA. It would run bankrupt within a month! I just love this place :o)

Letter to HER

2008-06-06T19:06:00.004+02:00

That he'll be different with you? You two have things in common and he appreciates you 'for who you are'? Oh, he said that to me too, but you think he's different with you.
He's always there to lean on, he helps you and he knows just what you need and want. He's just so sincere, he even told you about his bad behaviour in the past.
Did he tell you how he slapped me? (I 'humiliated' him in public.)
Did he tell you how he also hit his ex-wife? (She provoked him.)
Yes he did...but hey we asked for it. He wouldn't be telling you if he hadn't changed, right?
He would never do that to you, because you're special.
So he takes responsibility for all his actions in the past now? BUT it was me who brought out his bad behaviour and you're different from me, he will not do that to you.
He will not HAVE to manipulate you into getting his own way, I was just being difficult and he had no choice. He will never have to beg for YOUR attention (Did he mention the first 3 years that I had to beg for HIS attention, before I turned 'all bad'?) Yes, he told you how his ex-wife just lay in bed reading books, never giving him or the children any attention, I know about that too. So you will never do that because you're different, he will not be cruel to you.
It doesn't matter to you that I'm hardly out of his life, and you're already in it. Abusers don't need YEARS of therapy, RIGHT? You're different, you'll support him and he won't abuse YOU.
He's had such a terrible life! You know...the part where his ex-wife left him on the night he took her out for their anniversary to be with another man, just cruel. . . and how I cheated on him behind his back for two years with a guy on the internet, how unforgivable.
It's just not possible that I could be SO emotionally unstable due to his abuse that I didn't care about anyone anymore. Well, did he tell you about the girl before me? Yes, the one who 'lost it' and ended up being treated in a mental institution for 6 weeks, guess we BOTH had a problem, right?
I bet he's already told you that the real reason for me treating him so badly NOW is because I am jealous of YOU and that I even said 'It will never work'...so you're going to 'prove me wrong', right?
We just didn't appreciate him, not with all of the suicide attempts he had to put up with, we put the poor guy through hell. You're nothing like that ofcourse, you're SPECIAL.
And so what that he was cruel to my little girl, so cruel that I lost care of her because of him, she was a spoiled brat anyway and he was getting back at me, that just makes it fair doesn't it? I mean he really adores his own kids and he's just a WONDERFUL father! Me and his ex-wife were both just bad mothers, so we 'left him with the kids'. Besides, the man you know won't do anything bad, he is just too sensitive and he's different with you.
He will never deliberately hurt you or use your family or friends against you, no, I must've brought that out in him.
Oh, he's been seeing a therapist because I left him and he's a wreck? He couldn't possibly be using it as a cover-up because his reputation looked so bad!
And he didn't deliberately go about to look for an intelligent, active women so he could punish them if they didn't direct ALL their energy towards him, or for a woman with a strong sense of responsibility, one he could manipulate to feel responsible for his sick feelings. No, this behaviour is in his past and he will not do that to you, you're special!
You have seen his tears...his oh-so-vulnerable side, that MUST mean he's sincere, right?
Yeah...sure he's made some mistakes in the past (we drove him to it), but it's in the past and he deserves forgiveness, but MY mistakes and my reactions to his abuse is absolutely unforgivable. Anyway, you are not like me and he won't think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. I mean you're special and he REALLY loves you!
And if you one day did 'trigger' his bad behaviour and he says it's because you did something that reminded him of ME, well...then you'll change because you are different and you will be the woman he 'deserves', but he's not trying to change you or control you, he wouldn't do that to you, because you're special.

Thoughts on walls

2008-06-05T20:46:00.004+02:00

I really am starting to get the idea that I have way too much time on my hands.

At least I spoke to both my children today, so I have no reason to feel depressed or sad. Johan is still going on about getting maintenance out of me, I have learned to not get upset about it. It's better to just take things one step at a time.

Lili seemed more like her normal self tonight and it was good to hear her laugh. That's all I really want, for my children to be happy.

My head's a mess though and I wish I knew how to sort myself out. I've been thinking alot about how my relationship with Johan used to be and I think that is what is getting to me. Can't really stop myself from thinking, the thoughts just comes into my head.

I still have so much anger inside me and I should really find a way to deal with it.

I always used to say that I just want to be the girl I used to be before he came into my life. Guess that won't be possible though. Too much has happened and it changed me in more ways than I thought. I don't like the things I used to like any more and I don't have the self-confidence and self-motivation that I used to have. Very few things excite me and I have a very difficult time focusing on finishing something.

It's as if these bad memories keep creeping into my head, absorbing all that is positive and destroying it in the process. You see, telling my story the way I am doing right now in all the different parts was like telling you about a tree, it's name, where it's growing and about all of it's surroundings. I may have mentioned some major storms and cold winters that this tree had to grow through, but it's the little things that I did not mention which really made that tree what it is. It's the deliberate deprivation of water, which that tree found so essential, and the breaking of it's small branches...the ones no one ever noticed which made that tree weep whenever it rained, because it was too proud to allow people to see what it has become.

There are so many small things that people just don't understand and I've never been good at expressing myself, so sometimes I just feel like I'm talking to a wall. Walls generally don't talk back, unless you've either got a very active imagination or are psychologically a bit over the edge. I just can't see myself talking to people if I can't make them understand the way I feel. People just don't see things the way I see things, never have, never will.

Lost

2008-06-05T13:25:00.000+02:00

I hate this feeling. I remember experiencing a similar feeling when I was a little girl. I got lost and as I was wandering through the people, looking for my mom, I thought it was just a bad dream and that I was going to wake up soon. The more I searched, the more I started to panic and I started to cry. The only difference now is that I don't cry anymore. I also know that this is not a dream.

My Story Part Twelve

2008-06-04T14:00:00.002+02:00

After we took Lili back, me and my parents visited family in Prieska. We used to live there while I was a little girl and my dad's family is from there.

I had alot of time to think during that week and it was then that I also decided that I needed to get my life sorted out. I knew things were never going to work out with Johan and that I had no future with him. I knew that I could never love him. I sometimes hated him for the way he treated me and I continuously blamed him for the fact that Lili was taken out of my care.

Andy and I continued our relationship via the internet and although it wasn't always easy, we both wanted the same thing in the end. A relationship like that is different in so many ways, and looking back at it now, I think that is exactly what gave me the strength go get through everything. It does depend on compatibility ofcourse, but somehow Andy and I understood each other.

I trusted him completely, which is something that I am not normally capable of doing. I told him everything. My phone was with me 24/7 and it actually irritated people like my parents (and sometimes Johan, but strangely enough he didn't seem to care so much). I learned how to literally multi-task and Andy knew about every detail of my day as it was happening. I knew the same about his, and this is also how he knew about the way Johan had been treating me. Andy explained to me that it wasn't normal (by that time I was really getting worried about myself) and he opened my eyes about what was really going on.

This is the sad thing about abusive relationships. People tend to think it's all about the physical abuse and that is where they are so wrong. I realized then that I was being emotionally abused on a daily basis. All the signs were there all along, but I was always looking for the fault within myself. I didn't even love Johan and I sometimes had the courage to tell him that (although I didn't realize it, he did make me pay for every time I 'hurt' him by saying that), but I couldn't get out. He knew it and he loved it. He knew he had total control over my whole life and that there was nothing I could do to change that.

If it hadn't been for Andy who slowly made me believe in myself again, I doubt I would've been able to make it through. He finally decided to come to South Africa for no other reason than to help me get away. It made me more nervous than excited. I was scared.

As I mentioned in another part, we were sharing a house with friends who also had a baby. We couldn't afford our own place to stay and that is why we shared. I think that helped in a way because it distracted Johan. His parents now had foster care of his children and we had Xaynee with us. We lived on a smallholding 40km north of Pretoria, and the owner liked Johan. Things didn't go well with the friends-sharing-house business though. They had just as much relationship trouble and the girl, who was only 21 was not only drinking alot (they both did), but she sometimes totally lost control. She one night attacked Johan and I think that although I then started objecting to having her there, I also understood her behaviour. I saw myself in her, although I had more self-control (well, most of the times), and her behaviour was due to the frustration locked up inside of her from being emotionally abused. They finally moved out shortly before Andy came to South Africa.

I started planning on leaving. I was really scared and it took alot of reassurance for Andy that everything would be fine. I had so many mixed emotions about what I knew I was about to do and knowing that I was going to have to leave Xaynee behind with Johan made it worse. I just couldn't take it anymore and I kept looking for reasons to justify my actions.

As the days went by, I couldn't find the courage to tell my parents that Andy was coming. I thought they were going to think that I'm crazy for falling in love with someone I met on a chat site and who I never met. I started hinting at it with my mom a few days before Andy arrived and the night before he arrived, I sms'd her and told her about my plans.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Johan then found the sms's on my phone and how he reacted, but once I was at my parents' house, I knew everything would be fine.

We spent the most magical two weeks together and my parents loved Andy.

Some days we just stayed in the hotel and talked for hours, but we also went to Warmbaths and we showed him around Pretoria. We spent alot of time with my parents and I knew that I had met the person I want to spend my life with when my dad said to Andy one night "I want to thank you for making Renata laugh again".
I applied for my passport and after Andy left on 24 January, not only the waiting, but also more trouble started with Johan.

I never went back home, but Johan wasn't about to let me go.

So he's finally moved on...

2008-06-03T14:39:00.002+02:00

I'm feeling really guilty. I know I've been shutting Andy out lately, but whenever I try to talk to him, he just doesn't seem to understand.

I am constantly thinking. Mu whole life is revolving around getting my children back, but all the thinking has also made me realize that this is going to be even harder than I thought.

My day just started out bad as I phoned Johan to speak to Xaynee this morning and he said she is in school, but immediately said that he wants to talk things over first. I asked what he meant and he started going on about me paying him maintenance again. He actually sneered at me and told me that it's not about him wanting me back any more because he 'has someone else' now, which explains why a woman answered the phone when I phoned yesterday.

I really couldn't care less, I know what he is trying to do and I'm definately not stupid. I will admit that I am a bit angry at the way he is doing this and still demanding money from me in order for me to talk to my daughter. Just goes to show that he has got a serious problem. He asked if he should contact a lawyer regarding maintenance and I told him to go ahead, because I don't have an income. It's not as if I choose not to, but he just don't get it that I'm not allowed to work over here.

It still shocks me every time to see how stupid he can be, and I am not being nasty here. He really is. I mean, which part of 'not recieving money pending the inquiry' into the Children's Court proceedings doesn't he understand? And he actually told me today that I CAN pay maintenance because my 'fiance' (and he added here that this is what I said to Magda in my email to her, which again proves her breach of confidentiality), is receving an income. He really believes that, although it's not true.

I'm starting to think that he really does suffer from some personality disorder. To be honest, all the signs are there and that just makes me even more suspicious. I never even thought about it up until recently, but it's all just adding up.

He really is living in his own little make-believe fantasy world, he's never wrong and never have been and he's got one very highly selective memory. That's only to start with.

It suits me fine that he seems to forget one single very important aspect as far as Xaynee is concerned. Something I thought I'd never use against him, but he's not only pushing this a little too far, I am also having my doubts regarding how stable he really is.

Even after I left him and came here, I kept looking at myself for mistakes. Maybe becasue everyone always used to blame me and told me I got myself into the situation, I had to sort it out. The social worker made this worse by also choosing to support Johan, even after I told her most of the details about our relationship. I really thought it was my fault, and every time Johan accused me of being a bad mother for leaving, it got to me.

I've allowed far too much for far too long. I know what I have to do now, but when and how is the question.

Paar gedagtes van die klip af

2008-06-03T03:49:00.001+02:00

Vir die eerste keer vandat ek hier is, begin ek wonder of ek die regte ding gedoen het. Dit voel bietjie agteraf dat ek hierdie nie in engels doen nie want ek weet hy verstaan min van my taal maar ek wil ook nie regtig he hy moet weet dat ek begin twyfel nie. Ek mis my kinders ontsaglik baie en ek weet ek is depressief. Ek praat met niemand meer nie en ek is nie lus om enigiets te doen nie. Ek kan met alle eerlikheid se dat hy niks minder is as wat ek nodig het nie en niemand het my nog ooit so gelukkig gemaak nie, maar dis net nie genoeg nie. Ek voel soms skuldig en wonder wat mense dink want ek weet hoe dit wat ek gedoen het moet lyk, maar aan die ander kant...mense oordeel maklik sonder dat hulle die feite ken of eers omgee wat die feite is. Slegte gewoonte, hoorse, en baie uniek aan SA. Ek weet dat ek geen normale lewe sal he as ek sou teruggaan nie en ek twyfel of ek my kinders sal terugkry, maar ek voel hartseer, kwaad en magteloos. Dis waar wat hulle se dat fisiese mishandeling nie die merke los nie, emosionele mishandeling doen dit. Wat dit erger maak is dat ek nie daar in SA hoef te wees nie. As iemand eers so houvas op jou het, is dit virewig deel van jou lewe as daar kinders betrokke is. Dis die mees subtiele en wreedste manier om iemand te vernietig.

Just a few notes

2008-06-03T03:03:00.000+02:00

I need to sleep. I should be really. I just can't because I can't stop thinking. I tried to phone Xaynee and a woman answered the phone. As I am, I was friendly and asked her if I could speak to Xaynee. I don't know who she is but she was rude and told me I will have to phone back later because Xaynee is not with them. I asked what time and she replied that I could phone tomorrow morning. I don't know what to think and I am not in the right state of mind to even comment. I phoned the social worker about Lili, she took a note and later emailed me and told me that Dolf couldn't make it for the appointment with her and told me to keep her up to date. I did manage to speak to Lili, but I am really worried. She is ill, but she wasn't herself either. My mom phoned after me and noted the same thing, so I know that I am definately not paranoid. It has been a bad day for me and I feel guilty because I am taking it out on Andy, and he's only trying to help. I know that it's the lack of sleep that's causing me to feel like this but I just have too much on my mind and the steroids ain't really helping. I am trying really hard to stay strong but it gets to me sometimes. I won't give up though. I can't, I got this far and giving up would be a rather stupid thing to do.

Early morning complaining. . .

2008-06-02T04:53:00.001+02:00

I need to complain and since it is half past four in the morning and everyone is asleep except ME, my blog will have to do. It is going to have to be a one-sided conversation though, otherwise I might just seem a little loopy and chase readers away lol Ok.. so back to my complaint. Let me start by explaining that I live on a rock where it hardly ever gets dark outside (which is why I never sleep anymore) and where people have no idea what a butternut is. I have a terrible craving for Spur Salad Dressing (you know the pink one...yeah!), but I am NOT willing to pay the equivalent of R60 for a bottle. It is bad enough that I pay almost R30 for a box of 40 Rooibos teabags. I hate the meat over here and the Fanta Orange tastes crap. I mainly live on pap (note: I never liked it that much) with tomato and onion sauce, sandwiches, and vegetables. I am cold 90 percent of the time and I would SO like to have a sosatie right now. These people have never seen a patty pan, a gemsquash, or a guava and probably never will. NOW... tell me again who is the one from the THIRD WORLD country? I like to moan sometimes, so when you see a post like this...just pass ok? It is just a way for me to get the time over. Ek is eintlik net gatvol vir al die engelse kos en persoonlik dink ek meeste van die mense is onnodig buierig, bederf deur hulle regering wat skatryk is en hulle waardeer niks. Oraait, so hier van die klip se kant af hoop ek julle daar in SA geniet julle week :o)

My View: Parental Alienation and the South African Law

2008-05-31T22:50:00.005+02:00

I tried to phone Xaynee yesterday.

When Johan answered the phone, he was immediately on the attack. I could hardly get a word in as he was going on about how rude it was of me to put down the phone on him the other day. I interrupted him and asked if I could please speak to Xaynee, so he told me "No, you can't."

I just said "Ok.", then I put down the phone and continued with the ironing. Then I thought, well, ok then...just another thing I am going to make a note of, but I wanted to know WHY I couldn't speak to her.

I phoned him again and again he was shouting at me, again I interrupted and asked him for a reason. He replied that it was because I was rude to him and started going on about the fact that I'm not giving him any money for her, I just put the phone down on him again.

I'm sorry, I just don't need that treatment any longer. I don't HAVE to talk to him, I only want to speak to my child.

After that I started chatting with my dad on MSN. Yeah... I decided that it's better to make peace with my parents, although they don't offer me the kind of support that I really need, at least they want me to be happy.

Exactly 20:00 SA time I phoned Dolf's cellphone to speak to Lili. It was off.
Tried again, off.
So I tried phoning the house phone, twice, no answer.
I was getting worked up, I realized I wasn't going to talk to Lili, again.
Then I phoned her stepmom's number, here they kept pressing the 'ignore' button or something because I got the same message 3 times that "The other person has cleared."
I tried phoning the other numbers again and finally gave up.

I got back on MSN and my dad said that he will try to phone from his number.

This was between 20:15 and 20:30.

After a while my dad came back and told me that my mom phoned from one of his other cellphone numbers.

Dolf's mother picked up the phone and told my mom that Dolf and Elsabe were visiting them for the weekend, but that Lili was already asleep and that Dolf said my mom can phone on Monday at 20:00. So my mom asked if she couldn't just phone the next day (which is today), and Dolf's mom replied that Dolf is refusing that Lili be bothered during a weekend. She also made the following comments to my mom: "You phone from strange numbers hey?" and "There is a new agreement between Renata and Dolf's attorney now".

To be honest, this type of thing doesn't even surprise me anymore.

My dad said to me that he's sure Lili knows what they're doing, but she can't do anything about it. That made me feel better, I remember how Lili told me that she knew and I mentioned it to my dad. I also explained to him that I am going to sue Dolf for the total amount of the maintenance that he is in arrears with.

I also told my dad that there is no agreement with an attorney and that I'm only working through the social worker, because mediation is her work.

I just need to ask my dad which number he phoned Elsabe's phone from. This time I'm making notes of every damn thing. I am not going to let them get away with doing this. In my point of view, all they care about is THEM, not Lili. Their actions are out of spite, not caring. I'm kind of getting the feeling that they are starting to panic, but I may be imagining things.

I know I'm young and I still have so much to learn about life, but I also know that I have expererience in alot of things, like judging people. I have worked with many different kinds of people in my work and I gained knowledge through my experiences. I is still shocking to see how downright stupid some people can be though.

By answering that phone call from my dad, after ignoring my phone calls, they just proved how stupid they really are. I don't believe Lili was asleep, but if they didn't lie, they would also have admitted to deliberately refusing me to have contact with her. These are just my thoughts on it, and I might be wrong because I am sad, but it makes me angry that South Africa has a system which allows parents to actually do this to their children, despite the fact that there are actually laws that is supposed to prevent it.

Laws like:

General Law Further Amendment Act, No 93 of 1962 Section One provides criminal sanctions for a parent who fails to comply with an order of court relating to access to children: “(1) Any parent having custody of his or her minor child in terms of an order of court, who contrary to such order and without reasonable cause, refuses the child’s other parent access to such child or prevents such other parent from having such access, shall be guilty of an offence and liable on conviction to a fine or to imprisonment for a period not exceeding one year or to such imprisonment without the option of a fine.”

Mediation services seems to be governing the law and there is nothing I can do about it, except make another phone call on Monday morning to the social worker and tell her about this.

As I mentioned earlier, I think they are getting paranoid. I kept staying one step ahead of them and they didn't expect that. Like when they moved to Bloemfontein, they didn't expect me to find out about it OR find out what their telephone number is etc. In the end my constant emails to the Department of Social Development and my complaints paid off, because that kept me that one step ahead. Dolf didn't expect me to contact a social worker either, that explains his phone call to me the day he phoned and shouted at me for "...putting the welfare on his case...".

Now, I don't know much about the law and the way I see things might not even be right, but I was never planning on letting this go. I am a mother and I love my child, it's natural to only want the best for her. In SA I didn't have access to the information on the internet the way I do now and even now that I do, it is shocking to see that most sites are focused on children being kept away from fathers, not mothers. Make no mistake, it helped me to gain alot of information about the issue and I really sympathize with these fathers as Andy is in the same type of situation.

In South Africa I did apply for legal aid, I never got any. After a while it felt like either you need the money to fight the system, or you have to be like Dolf and Johan (and their families), and be able to manipulate the people in the right places.

I did not have the money, and I am not manipulative. So the system allow the WRONG people to get away with the RIGHT things. You can't blame the system though, so how do you solve something like this?

I know now that (from what I can understand anyway), I still have custody. Dolf's problem is that he wants custody, because he wants maintenance. The Children's Court could only place Lili in his foster care, they didn't grant him any money and knowing him, I think he expected them to. The Children's Court can only place a child in foster care for a period of two years, after which the matter has to go back to court. During the two years, mediation services are supposed to monitor the situation and IDEALLY try to place the child in the parent's care who has custody. If this is not in the best interest of the child, the matter will go back to court EVERY to years, unless custody is granted to the other parent by the High Court, so for Dolf to get custody though, he will have to go to the High Court.

That is a problem for him. He doesn't have the money and trying to get custody in a court of law can get quite expensive. I know by this time that if I couldn't even get legal aid, he sure as hell won't. Not for custody.

What really bugs the living shit out of me though is all the questions I have. Questions that, if you don't have the right attorney (when I think in terms of an attorney, I panic because I know they are expensive), you will never have answered. If you ask the social worker, they only talk your question away or simply say "Yeah... but you see, we don't really work with the law..." and then they start explaining to you that they only have to look at what is best for the child blah.. blah..

I also mentioned to my dad then that the social worker on Xaynee's case said it's ok that Johan won't allow me to speak to her and that I am going to report her. I contacted the SACSSP during the week and they sent me the forms, but I first have to complain to the social worker's organisation she is working for's head office. I tried to contact them on Friday, but there was no answer, so I'll do it tomorrow.

Ah well... That's it from me for today.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :o)

My Addiction is Getting Worse!!!

2008-05-31T13:45:00.002+02:00

82%

Created by OnePlusYou - a Free Dating Site

This is absolutely hilarious.

I did this test the other day when I was on Wipneus's blog.

Due to the mood I was in, I didn't copy the html, but thought it will be ok because I can always do the test again. That time I only had 80%!!!

That means that my addiction actually got worse in only 2 days time, that is not good.

I am really getting worried about myself lol

LISTEN to me!!

2008-05-31T09:52:00.001+02:00

Now if there's ONE that irritates me to the point of insanity, it's when you don't LISTEN to me. Do not even pretend to hear me talking if you're not intending to register what comes out of my mouth because you won't hear me talking to you for a while then. You WILL get silent treatment until I have cooled down enough. I think it's one of the worst habits mankind has ever learned and together with prejudice, which is another bad habit, it just makes me SO angry! Andy was the unlucky person to be caught out by me today and it may be over-reacting on my part but I can't help thinking that it is a sign of so many other things. By that I also mean that I think it's a sign of selfishness and not really caring. I don't know, maybe I just woke up in a bad mood today. . .

Am I Alone?

2008-05-31T02:52:00.000+02:00

For as long as I can remember, I have always had this problem of thoughts running through my head that I can't explain. I understand exactly what I am thinking but I can't seem to put it into the right words so that others can understand me. I really get frustrated with it sometimes because when I do try to explain something to someone they assume things too quickly without me saying things. I am always thinking. It never stops and maybe that is also why I can't get to sleep anymore. The more I have to think about, the less I sleep. I wish I knew how to make sense to people. I read blogs of some people and I actually admire them for the way everything they write just make sense and it is properly laid out. I don't only have this problem with english, although it is definately worse. I just don't know how to use all the detail that I have in my head in the right way. I will never be a great blogger, although that doesn't really matter to me. Andy said earlier that I shouldn't have posted the entry where I was angry. It made me think again and I wanted to delete it. Then I realized that once again, I cared what people think of me. Why should I be ashamed of the way Johan is treating ME though? Why should I hide things? He kept me imprisoned in his miserable life long enough and I was too afraid to talk to anyone. I don't care what people think anymore. The real life can be cruel and if people don't want to accept that then I don't care.

In desperate need of sleep

2008-05-31T00:54:00.000+02:00

I just realized that I NEED SLEEP!! It hit me with a bang that I had actually posted my ex's cellphone number with my previous entry and I had to run downstairs and beg Mathew to use his pc so I could remove it lol I don't think me and lack of sleep go together very well. I am really tired and not thinking straight, but then again...I was also angry. My baby isn't home yet and I don't like being alone. I miss him so much tonight, it is strange because I never get like this.

Letting Go of Shame

2008-05-30T23:13:00.006+02:00

I posted earlier how Andy's mother had taught me that there is no need to be ashamed of my past. Since I've got nothing to hide, I am going to post something here which may shock a few of the Afrikaans readers, so if you don't like bad language, I suggest that you do not read this entry.

I started this blog to show people what my life was like, not to gain sympathy or support as many may think. No, I want people back home to wake up to the real world and recognize the signs of Domestic Violence and the various forms of abuse that go along with it.

First though, a quick recap of my day. I didn't go for a liver biopsy in the end and the doctor is happy with the way my health has improved. He gave me a letter to get my court case which is scheduled at the Children's Court for 30 June postponed and I will send it to the social worker on Monday.

I haven't been sleeping much lately, I only sleep every second night. It's the steroids causing it, so my concentration isn't what it should be but I feel alot better than 2 weeks ago.

I phoned Lili's social worker in Bloemfontein to tell her about last night and she told me that she was running late yesterday and when she phoned Dolf, he said he was on his way back to work. So I still don't know how Lili is, but I can phone her tomorrow again. The social worker said something strange, but it didn't register until I put the phone down. She said there is a few things that she wants to look into regarding the case. I guess I was too upset. I asked her again if we couldn't change the times and she said that she has to think of what is in the best interest of the child. Now, that didn't make sense. Yes, so it suits her routine best at that time, but it's almost impossible for me to phone at that time. Isn't it in the child's best interest to have contact with her mother?? No wait, according to law it is her RIGHT. What the hell is wrong with these people? I only speak to her for 3 minutes at a time maximum anyway! What is 3 minutes in a 16 hour day? I kept myself calm...again. I told the social worker that I'm making notes of everything, the case has to go back to court next year anyway. NOTHING will make my child forget me.

Ok, now for the other part.

I'm sorry for the english readers who will not understand this, but I translate everything in my head all day, every day, so I'm not in much of a mood to translate this. For some reason I am just fuming and I want to get this out in a way.

These are some of the sms messages I have received from Johan. I am so sick of all of these people getting away with everything and I am nothing like him. Yes, I do get angry and swear sometimes, but I have never used this type of language. Call me whatever you want, I deem myself better than this. He really is one sick bastard and I can't believe I was so stupid to ever get into a relationship with him. I like to think of myself as intelligent, and I know that I am. How did I fall in this guy's trap?

28/03/2008 - 12:48 - - Renata jy moet dringend met my praat oor Xaynee die dokter gaan nie met jou praat nie die inligting is vertroulik jy moet met my praat dat ons die ding van die kinders kan afhandel magda sal ook dink maandag met jou in verbinding tree ek gaan jou 3uur ons tyd bel tel op asb

29/03/2008 - 10:57 - - Renata ek wil jou net vrae as jy nog die persoon is wat ek ken bel net vir Xaynee al praat jy net 1min met haar ek weet jy is lief vir haar moenie daai harde mens word wat net wil haat jy is n goei mens en jy weet dit so probeur groot asb om haar te bel as nie kan gee mis call of please call me asb bel haar net

31/03/2008 - 13:08 - - Soek geld vir Xaynee se naskool asb en vir doeke laat weet as ek die rek no moet stuur die skool geld moet vandag betaal word as jy dit nie kan doen laat weet net asb

31/03/2008 - 20:54 - - As jy met Xaynee wil praat laat jou prokureur my bel om tye vas te maak as jy kamsteg so baie vir jou kind voel stuur vir haar geld

01/04/2008 - 14:26 - - Hulle soek daai geld van Xaynee vandag gaan jy dit vir my gee of nie laat my net weet asb gee mis ek sal bel

04/04/2008 - 13:39 - - Jy sal nooit weer met een van jou kinders praat of weer sien totdat daai poes nie weg is nie ek gaan daai kaal foto veroop en op side dat almal kan sien hoe lyk jou poes
(Hy verwys na 'n kaal foto wat hy sonder my medewete geneem het.)

04/04/2008 - 21:14 - - Ek se vir Xaynee haar MA gaan haar bel en jy bel NIE wat moet ek vir haar se het sy nog 'n ma of nie ek dink sy het nie want ma's bel jul kinders as hulle so se
(Ek het nie weer gebel nie na aanleiding van die ander sms.)

06/04/2008 - 20:30 - - Nata ek gaan jou more bel so 12uur jou tyd praat asb dan met ons baba sy mis jou baie. Kom trug die week gro asb ek sal jou gaan haal as jy wil en na jou ma vat

12/04/2008 - 18:59 - - Maak jou self vrek en doen ons almal n guns want jy is nie n MA wert anders sou jy hier gewees het vir haar dink daaroor kom trug na jou kinders asb

14/04/2008 - 18:49 - - Ek gaan jou oor 5min bel praat asb met xaynee ek het klaar vir haar gese jy gaan bel asb

20/04/2008 - 15:22 - - Hallo sal jy asb jou cv vir my stuur jy kan dit na jou pa stuur ek sal dit daar kry of na Johan00@mweb.co.za bel groot asb vir xaynee vandag asb baai

24/04/2008 - 00:17 - - Jy het di ekans gehad om jou kind te he maar jy kies hom bo jou kinders so jy gaan nie weer met Xaynee praat of sien nie jy is nie eers vir Lili se verjaarsdag hier nie jy het nog nie 'n sent vir Xaynee of Lilli gegee jy hoer net daar rond niemand glo n Ma los haar kinders vir n ou net hoere doen dit so besluit of jy n Ma of n hoer is as jy n Ma is kom trug na jou kinders of bly n hoer en bly daar sal vir Xaynee se Ma DOOD EK GEE JOU TOT 1UUR ONS TYD OM MY TE BEL EN SE WAT JY GAAN MAAK DINK MOOI NIE DREIGEMENT EK GAAN DIT DOEN WAT EK GESE HET HOE MOEILIK OOK AL SO DINK MOOI

25/04/2008 - 15:34 - - Kan jy my se of jy daai ander sms gekry het van of jy hom kies of jou kinders ek gaan doen met Xaynee wat ek gese het daar is nie ander uitweg so se my net asb

25/04/2008 - 15:49 - - As jy so raak dat die welsyn my bel en se dat jy met Xaynee moet praat ek kan ook hard wees soos jy ek wil nie bakly hoekom lelik wees met my die kind ly en jy

26/04/2008 - 16:13 - - Ek het verkeurde no gestuur maar jy het mos jou mind opgemaak so jy het dit dan nie meer nodig nie so ek kan maar al die inligting gee wat sy soek besluit wie vir jou die belangrikste is jy of jou kinders as dit jou kinders is kan jy vir Xaynee bel anders nie dankie lekker lewe

01/05/2008 - 18:18 - - Sal jou pa vir my geld inbetaal vir Xaynee laat weet my asb
(MY REPLY) Vir die dokter? Ek sal reel dat hy haar self vat en als betaal.

02/05/2008 - 02:14 - - Hou dan jou geld jy sal haar nie sien nie as jy daai houding het moet dan nie weer vir Xaynee bel nie sb dit gaan op jou gewete wees sn moet nie weer bel nie
(MY REPLY) Dit was nie met 'n houding gese en ek is binnekort terug in SA, dan sal ons sien. Jy is siek en obsessief Johan, kry hulp.

02/05/2008 - 02:22 - - Jy is die slegte ma wat gaan rond hoer het en jou kinders net so gelos kyk hoe ver kom jy met jou dreigemente jy moet hulp kry los twee dogterkies om in bed spr
(MY REPLY) Om in die bed te WAT? Jou sms het afgesny. Ek dreig nie meer nie. Hoer? Goed gestel as jy in aanmerking neem dat ek my verloofde al baie langer as wat almal dink ken.

02/05/2008 - 02:33 - - Wys het rondgehoer terwyl ons bymekaar was sal lilli of xaynee nooit weer praat of sien nie so kom na sa toe en kom doen iets jy veloor slegte ma jou pa hulle ok
(MY REPLY) Ag hou op toe? Jy lyk pateties en nee, ek het vir Andy ontmoet toe ons uitmekaar was.

10/05/2008 - 17:01 - - Sal jou n miss call gee as ek by xaynee is jy kan met haar praat

19/05/2008 - 22:13 - - Ek wou net weet hoe gaan dit met jou en wanneer bel jy vir xaynee of het jy ons ook afgeskryf wil net weet maar sien jyt kla
(MY REPLY) Get a life. Ek sal NOOIT ophou baklei vir my kinders nie. Jy en jou maatjie kan maar dink wat julle wil. Ek gee GEEN info meer aan jou nie, so back off.

19/05/2008 - 23:00 - - Ek het n lewe saam my kinders jy sal nooit jou kinders kry jy het n hoerjaar gekies bo jou kinders sien jou in die hof een van die dae ek en dolf het die kinders jy niks vrek eerder maar jy gaan nie jou kinders kry of mee praat so jy naai rond en maak vir jou ander wat jy eendag ook weggooi slegte ma jy kan nie n ma eers genoem word nie
(MY REPLY) Ag kry iets beter om my mee te dreig. Julle albei verveel my.

19/05/2008 - 23:06 - - Ons sal sien wie lag die laaste dis nie drygemente nie tyd sal wees wat jy is drank dis hoekom jy weer sie
(MY REPLY) Dit moet seker verskriklik voel om te weet ek is gelukkig. Jy kan dit net nie hanteer nie. Jy is nie 'n tiende van wat Andy is nie en jou slegseery maak my niks.

19/05/2008 - 23:11 - - Jy gaan verloor en jy weet dit wanneer laas het jy jou kind gebel dis n skande vir haar is haar ma dood ek het dit vir haar ge

19/05/2008 - 23:16 - - Sy vrae nie eers meer na haar ma en dit plae haar nie so ook lilli sy het n beter ma as jy jy gekry
(MY REPLY) Ek lag maar net Johan. Dis pateties.

19/05/2008 - 23:27 - - Lag maar jy is gelukkig sonder jou kinders wys net moet nie weer so pateties wees en se jy is so siek nie en weer 'n sms stuur en vrae kan jy met xaynee praat laat jou kamstige prokereur kyk of sy iets kan reel want jy gaan nie weer met haar praat nie tot die hof so se nie
(MY REPLY) Jy dink net aan jouself.

19/05/2008 - 23:41 - - Jy dink aan jouself ek het gese as jy hier is kan jy enige tyd jou kind sien maar jy kies om daar te bly so hy is belangriker as jou kinders so wie dink nou net aan hulself

20/05/2008 - 07:00 - - Ek wag wil sien wat jy en jou skynheilige ma hulle gaan se as jy nie jou kinders gaan kry wie is dan pateties

21/05/2008 - 14:03 - - Los dit jou kind word vanaand opgeneem onthou ek wou met jou reel jy wou nie moet nie eers dink om uit te vind waar sy is en by die hof sal julle dit weet so sien jou in hof o ek gaan jou dagvaar vir onderhoud ook sterkte

21/05/2008 - 14:38 - - Luister na my kalmeer bel my dan praat ons oor xaynee jys hardegat en lelik nou ly jy en jou kinders bel my dan praat ons daaroor voor dit te laat is

22/05/2008 - 09:25 - - Gaan jou oor 10min bel as jy optel praat jy nie weer met xaynee nie nooit weer

27/05/2008 - 08:00 - - Ons kan praat hoe weet ek hoe lyk dit daar gaan jy van julle duisende ponde vir xaynee elke maand stuur gee n bedrag elke maand so laat vinnig weet wl vnng wt

Goed, jammer oor die taalgebruik, maar dis presies hoe hy dit vir my gestuur het.

Thank you, I feel better now.

My Story Part Eleven

2008-05-30T20:35:00.004+02:00

At that point I lost most of my will to live. I was trapped again in my relationship with Johan and just thinking about Lili made me cry. I shut myself off completely and I was chatting alot on my phone, I tried not to think.

Then the most unexpected thing happened.

It was late one night, early morning. I was just going through the online list on a mobile chat site where I had been for a couple of weeks. I recognized the last name on the list...it was Andy. My heart skipped a beat, but I immediately remembered our break-up earlier that year and I wasn't sure if I should sent him a message, but I decided to anyway.

What I didn't know at that stage was that Andy had been looking for me for weeks. He had gone to all the mobile sites I used to chat on. A mutual friend told him where I was and he came looking for me. We spent that whole night just chatting and joking and I smiled again for the first time in months, but I was also scared. I still felt hurt by the way he had treated me after our break-up and I could never really understand why he had left me.

Then he explained it to me.

I remembered then how we did at some point make peace, but we both disappeared from chat. I used to keep track of his life by reading his blog entries. This was September 2007 and he told me that he had written a blog entry about us a while after we broke up. Here it is.

He told me that neither of us were ready for our relationship back then, and in a way it made sense. I gave him another chance, but I never expected my dream of being with him one day to come true.

Andy never left me again after that and he supported me through every day. He was always there and he was patient, loving, and understanding.

Lili came to visit me at the end of September and that was also the last time I'd seen her. I stayed with her at my parents' house for that week and I held her little body close to me every night as she fell asleep.

The social worker who handled the case in Pretoria on my part came to 'check up' while Lili was there. She did one interesting thing with Lili that day. She asked her to draw a moon and then she had to say who she wanted to take with her to the moon and place them on the moon. As expected, she said the names of me, her dad, stepmother, all her grandparents, her stepbrother and Xaynee. The social worker then asked her if there was anyone she didn't want on the moon with her and Lili said 'no'.

All of us looked at each other and knew what it meant.

According to the assessment that was performed on her before the Form 4 to take her out of my care was issued, she showed an intense fear of Johan. Yet, she didn't say that she didn't want Johan on the moon.

Then the social worker asked her to draw pictures of everyone. Another strange thing she noted was that only the drawing of herself had hands and feet. I can't remember the drawing of Dolf, but I remember that the social worker pointed out that neither me, nor her stepmother had hands. The social worker took the pictures and said she was going to get them analyzed by a psychologist, but that never happened and this social worker is not working at that organisation any longer.

Another strange thing happened. Lili and I were waiting in the car for my parents when Johan phoned. I spoke to him over the car kit and Lili kept asking me if she could say hello to him, I told her no. Then she said: "Well, I'm going to" and she spoke to Johan, no fear.

Make no mistake, I don't think that Johan was innocent. At that point I started getting suspicious though. Something just didn't seem right. So I asked Lili straight whether she ever said that she was afraid of Johan and she denied it. I explained to her what had happened, but I don't know how much she could really understand. She was only 7 years old.

During that week we did as much as we could together and she followed me around everywhere. She even came to get me out of the toilet in a restaurant when she felt I was taking too long, more than once. I took her ice-skating and I saw so much of myself in my little girl. She, just like me at that same age, almost immediately got it right, so I took her again. It made me happy to see her smile.

She also spent time with Xaynee. It was beautiful to see her help her baby sister while they were playing on a jungle gym and how she protected her so that she wouldn't get hurt by the other children. They looked like two little angels, I couldn't be happier.

I cried with her one night, she told me that she misses us and that she didn't want to go back. I felt helpless, it broke my heart. There was nothing I could do.

The day we went back to Kuruman, we spent the night there. I had to take Lili back the next day. Dolf phoned and when he heard that we were in Kuruman, he demanded that I take her back. We rushed out from the restaurant, afraid that he might turn up.

That night I lay next to her, just stroking her hair. I couldn't sleep.

When Lili saw her dad the next morning she excitedly told him that I took her ice-skating. His words? "That's dangerous."

I hated him more then ever before. Lili just came and sat on my lap, she had her arms around me and I had to fight to hold back my tears.

That was the last time I saw my little girl.

P.S I know I've posted this video before, but I am uploading it again at this point of my story.

Nobody is perfect

2008-05-30T03:18:00.000+02:00

Since I came here I have learned so much. Life really is different over here but the most important lesson I learned was from my mother-in-law-to-be. She is an amazing woman although I don't think she even realizes it. I learned from her that we all make mistakes and that it is ok because we learn from it and it makes us who we are. She also showed me to not be ashamed about it and that by being open and honest about and to ourselves we can teach other people that life was never meant to be perfect. I used to be a perfectionist. By that I mean that I was the type of person who would rather do things myself than run the risk that someone else may do it wrong. I wanted to be the perfect mother and I wanted the perfect life. I felt ashamed and never talked about my mistakes I made and I hated criticism. Even as a child I simply had to be the best in everything that I did and I got frustrated whenever I made mistakes during my school exams or do the best in sport. The things I couldn't do perfect I just left. I am also extremely focused on hygiene and cleanliness and I could never understand how other people can't be like that. I felt like I was losing control whenever I lost control over a situation and that made me depressed. After coming here I gradually accepted myself as a normal human being who can't make everything right. I am not ashamed of my past or about the mistakes I made anymore. I am a good person and I am happy.

This is just CRAP!!!

2008-05-29T20:57:00.003+02:00

I promised myself that I wouldn't let this upset me so much again, but I'm just getting fed up and I am REALLY frustrated.

I will NOT break down though and I WILL keep fighting.

Not much reason to ask why I'm feeling this way again, is there? There is only one answer. My children.

I phoned Johan earlier so that I could speak to Xaynee. He said that she's asleep because she has got flu. Once again, I accepted it calmly. Then he asked me when I'm going to phone him again to talk about the living arrangements with Xaynee and I told him, it's no use because he just keeps fighting. I asked him what he wants then and he said that he wants to know what it looks like over here and how I'm living because he isn't going to send Xaynee to me if he doesn't approve.

I thought, well ok fine, I'll even send him pictures. Then he started accusing me that I never really cared about Xaynee. An old issue we used to have because we used to fight about it alot during our relationship. I told him the same as I always did, that they didn't allow me to be the mother I wanted to be and I even admitted to making some mistakes, all people do. I told him that I only want what is best for Xaynee and that I would like to make up for my wrong doings in the past, I am only human.

I told him that Andy's mom used to be a nurse and that Xaynee would be well looked after. That set him off again and he started shouting at me that he will NEVER allow Andy to raise Xaynee. He was going on and on about how Andy swears at him over the phone and he even brought up the night he phoned Andy, after he discovered in my sms's to my mom that Andy was in South Africa. I still remember it very clearly and Johan was standing there in front of me as he phoned Andy and they had this huge fight over the phone. Johan then took my phone and wouldn't allow me to contact my mom. I was terrified and he threatened me, I had to stay calm. Andy finally sent an sms to my phone that he was going back to Guernsey on the next flight out and that calmed Johan down. I knew I had to get away, I needed to but I didn't know how. Johan had my cellphone and we were living 40km outside of Pretoria. Eventually I convinced Johan that I needed time on my own and he agreed to drop me off at my parents house. He gave my phone back the next day, I knew Andy wouldn't leave and he in the meantime contacted my parents and told them who he was and what was going on. I couldn't use my WAP because I didn't want to arouse Johan's suspicions. My parents went and picked Andy up from the hotel and I met him there afterwards. I had never felt so safe or relieved in my life as I did at that moment.

Ok, to go on with what happened, so I tried a new approach and asked Johan if he would still feel the same if I wasn't with Andy, but with someone else. He didn't really know what to answer and then said that he wasn't going to send Xaynee and he started shouting, so I just told him goodbye and put down the phone.

It's still the same old story, only thinking about what HE wants.

Now Lili's part...

I know that the social worker had an appointment to go and talk to them at 14:00. I couldn't use the phone until 20:50 SA time (19:50 here) and after the third try, Dolf picked up. I asked if I could speak to Lili and he said she's sleeping and he shouted at me that it nine o' clock in the night, I corrected him and said it is ten to and he just kept shouting then put down the phone.

I was furious.

While I was in SA, I remember calling even later than that. I did mention it to the social worker that I want to change the times because it is a difficult time for me to use the phone, but she said that Dolf says it fits Lili's routine best.

What the hell am I supposed to do?? Can no one see how spiteful he is being? Or is it me?

Just another day I wasn't allowed to speak to my children...

Liver Biopsy

2008-05-29T13:30:00.004+02:00

Tomorrow morning at 11:00 am I have to go for a liver biopsy.

Crazy as that may seem, I'm scared.

The last liver biopsy I had was more than 4 years ago and it was in a State Hospital in South Africa.

Now, I've seen and been in many hospitals in my life, but South Africa's State Hospitals are a nightmare. If you don't have a medical aid or ALOT of money to make use of private medical care, you have no choice though, as I had no choice back then.

Forget about cleanliness and hygiene if you think of a state hospital in SA. The longest I have ever been in one was about 5 days and it was during this time that the liver biopsy was also performed.

I had no idea what they were going to do, but I had an idea, as it involves removing liver tissue with a biopsy needle.

They came and took me from the ward, I sat there waiting outside for about 40 minutes and then they simply performed the biopsy. I wasn't given any anaesthetic and it hurt like hell. I was pushed back to the ward and I was crying (I have a very high tolerance for pain though). I started coughing alot, so they sent me for x-rays and I was told that the biopsy needle was shot through my lung and that it was only fluid that I'm coughing up and nothing to be worried about.

I tend to engrave these memories in my mind in such a way that I get terrified whenever I think about it.

I told Andy that I'm scared, but I don't think he really understands HOW scared I really am and he will be at work tomorrow :(

I know that it will be different over here, the medical care is excellent even though it is provided by the state, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

I want to walk like the others. . .

2008-05-28T22:48:00.002+02:00

I was on youtube earlier and saw this video and I thought I'd share it with you so that you can all understand Xaynee's disability.

Hemiplegia is a form of Cerebral Palsy and Xaynee is affected on the left side of her body. Although my little girl can walk on her own, her condition is getting worse and that is why I want her with me so badly to make sure that she gets treated.

This video left me in tears, I have to admit that. I remember how Xaynee used to try to run as fast as she could in her own little way while her sisters ran away from her. I felt so sorry for her when she finally stopped or fell down, exhausted and with bleeding toes. The longing in her eyes broke my heart.

Children nowadays just don't realise how very fortunate they are to just be normal.

My Recent Thoughts

2008-05-28T08:09:00.001+02:00

I have been reading loads of blogs and articles lately and it helped me more than I think even I realised. Yesterday I talked to a woman from the International Social Services and although she had alot of sympathy with me, she was also honest and I think I needed that. She told me that if Dolf is already doing this, and by that I mean ignoring my phone calls etc., that no court or social worker is going to stop him as he seems to just get away with everything. I never thought of it like that and thinking about it, it is true when you look at the way he just ignored the maintenance court order, despite his sentence and he just got away with it. It made me sad and angry. When Andy came home I didn't even want to talk to him until I finally couldn't keep it in any longer. I just cried and cried as he held me and I kept asking why it was happening to me. I calmed down after a while but the smallest things just seem to upset me and I even had a go at Mathew again. I feel guilty but I also know that Mathew will understand when I apologise. I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't do anything and pray that my little girl will understand one day. I asked the social worker how I am going to go about if I want to send Lili a birthday present and she said that I should send it to her and that she will ask Dolf if it will be ok to give it to her. That upset me just as much because I am her mother and he now has the right to say if it is ok if I send her things. She also said that she had an appointment with them to go and speak to Lili on Thursday and I asked her to tell my little girl that I love her.

She also gave me information about Xaynee and told me that I will in fact not be able to take her out of SA without Johan's permission because the new law has already been implemented. I told her that the social worker on Xaynee's case doesn't want me to talk to Xaynee and she told me to report her to the organisation's head office.

I then phoned Johan but he didn't have Xaynee with him. I talked to him for a while and I actually feel sorry for him and hate him at the same time.

He was going on about how much he loved me and still does and how he can't understand how I could have sex with him a few days before I left. He really is so pathetic. So I told him again that I only did it because of the way he abused me and threatened me with Xaynee and I reminded him that I never told him I loved him. So he started blaming me and told me that I left him in a mess and that he had no money to care for Xaynee.

I tried to explain to him again that Andy and I want to share custody with him and he started off again about how Andy always swear at him over the phone and that he doesn't know what it's like over here. I told him again to stop lying because I know that Andy didn't just start swearing at him without Johan provoking him into it by bad-mouthing me or just swearing at Andy. Johan then said it... 'I will not let him raise my child!'

There he just proved two things.

1. He has serious psychological issues. No normal person can lie like that and not be a psychopath.

2. He will not allow Andy to raise his child and yet he wants his money? He knows very well that it is not my money and that it will be coming from Andy. Revenge maybe?

He also proved a third thing...

He wasn't thinking of Xaynee, he is just obsessed with getting me back and even though he says he can't afford to look after her, he won't think of what is best for her by giving her back to me if only for a while. He just doesn't want ANDY to raise Xaynee. Jealousy.

Question is. .

If I raise these things in court, will I get the court to give me permission to take Xaynee out of SA?

I have so much proof. Johan has been threatening me and abusing me via sms's and all of these things he has sent in text.

Will that be enough to get my little girl back and should I get back into this fight?

I don't know but I sure as hell am gonna contact my attorney in SA today.

Hmmm. . .

My Story Part Ten

2008-05-28T04:12:00.000+02:00

The court case was coming up in July last year. Shortly before that I saw the social worker for the last time. She told me straight that my chances of getting Lili back was slim.

It was then that I contacted a medium who had a show on our radio. I just needed something to hold on to.

The night I appeared live on her show I was alone. I was telling my story but I was crying the whole time. The medium's name was Michaela and she then told me that my little girl misses me alot and that she really wants to be with me. She also said that Xaynee needed me to stay strong and that she doesn't understand why I'm so sad. Her final words to me was that I had no future with Johan and that there is someone else out there for me.

Johan was very upset about what she said. He started manipulating his way into gaining control over me once again. I was living on my own, but had to ask him for everything I needed. He never gave me money.

Then about a week before the court case, Johan phoned me and told me that his brothers had beaten him up in front of Xaynee.

I panicked. I was worried about Xaynee and told Johan it's ok if he moved in with me for a while.

He told me that the whole fight started because he confronted his mother about an sms she had received from Dolf. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that she still had contact with Dolf. Johan said he accused his mom of meddling in my business and threatened to take his children and leave but that was when his brothers stepped in.

Johan's ex wife took their kids for that night and he and Xaynee came to me.

He told me that he was sorry for being so blind about his mother. I had no sympathy. I hated him and I told him straight that I can't love him.

The day I was to appear in court, I sat outside and I could see Lili in Dolf's car. They wouldn't even let her come to me.

I may have looked all good and professional that day but my head was a mess and my heart was breaking as Lili came into the court room and her stepmother took her and put her on her lap.

My father took me to Kuruman that day but he never got out of the car.

The magistrate went through the assessment and social worker's report and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say. I tried to prove to him that Dolf was acting out of revenge by using the sms's he had sent me.

Nothing worked and the magistrate told me that if I really had Lili's best interests at heart then I wouldn't have Johan in my life at all. I couldn't think. Nothing made sense. The magistrate considered Johan as a threat to Lili's safety and placed Lili in Dolf's care for 2 years after which the matter will go back to court.

I started crying as I left the court room and totally broke down as I saw Dolf walk outside clapping his hands. He had won and he was making it worse for me.

We then had a meeting with the social worker in Kuruman to discuss visitation rights and contact.

We agreed that I could phone Lili on Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights.

She could also visit me during one short and one long holiday and I could see her whenever I was in Kuruman, provided that I let Dolf know two days in advance.

Lili was sitting on my lap the whole time and lay her head against me. I knew she didn't understand what was happening. I also knew that she loved me.

As we were driving back to Pretoria that day, I could feel a little part of me staying with my little girl in Kuruman.

She knew I loved her.

My Story Part Nine

2008-05-27T14:28:00.002+02:00

My whole life was falling apart. My brother got married on the day Andy left me and I wasn't invited because my brother never liked Johan.

I finally started giving in to Johan's manipulation. He kept phoning me despite the fact that I had a protection order against him and I agreed that he could take Xaynee for a while, more because I couldn't stand the way my mother was treating her than any other reason.

Johan then took Xaynee to a school for disabled children and when they did the evaluation on her, they classified her as being hemiplegic. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had a disabled child, but my mother kept manipulating the whole situation in such a way that I never had Xaynee with me again.

All my parents seemed to care about was Lili and that made me angry. Xaynee was my child too and she needed me but my parents never supported me.

Throughout this whole time, I was still chatting on mobile sites. It was my way of escaping the pain and hurt of the real world and I ended up in a relationship with a guy younger than me. He was living in another town and I knew that if I wanted to get away from Johan, that would be the only way of doing it. Unfortunately this guy had many issues like self-harming etc. I had my own problems to deal with and in the end I went back to Pretoria, but my parents wanted nothing to do with me because my father warned me that this guy was a coward. I still remember how my dad said that I would even be better off going back to Johan.

I made many mistakes during this time though. I felt that because half of Johan's business belonged to me, I had a right to some money and I was stupid enough to fall for Johan's trap. He offered to pay the rent for my apartment so that I could get Lili back and I agreed. I thought that it would be enough, because the social worker said I had to have an income (which I did because I owned half of the business) and I had to live on my own. The social worker even came to see where I lived and I should've known by then what was going to happen.

I had been trying to contact the social worker for quite some time by then, because Dolf accused me of not turning up for the court case in the maintenance court, but I was never notified and according to the maintenance court I didn't have to appear that day. Dolf was angry though and he wouldn't listen, so he refused to answer the phone whenever I tried to phone Lili and I couldn't speak to her on her birthday.

The social worker said that they couldn't find me and I told her that I had been trying to contact them for a couple of weeks by that time because I couldn't speak to Lili.

It was then that I started to realise that when a social worker are guilty, manipulating or just downright nasty, they simply ignore you or direct the situation into another direction.

I did finally get to contact Lili again, but then we had to appear in the maintenance court again. There something happened. Johan was with me and he heard Dolf talking to his attorney over the phone about the Children's Court case being at the end of that month. I knew nothing about it and I was shocked when I phoned the social worker and asked her about it. She knew nothing, so she contacted the social worker in Kuruman who said that it was true. I don't know why I was never notified, but the social worker told me that to get the court case postponed, I would have to get an attorney which I could hardly afford at that time but I did and I got the case postponed.

The social worker then told me that I had to go for a psychological evaluation and also an interactional analysis with Lili in Kuruman and that I had to pay for everything. I didn't know what to do because it was going to cost me thousands of Rands and I didn't have the money but I tried to stay calm.

I went for the psychological evaluation, but when I requested for it, the psychologist said that she was not foing to be able to finish it in time for my court case. I also tried to get in Kuruman for the interactional analysis but I had no transport and the coaches that used to go that route wasn't in use anymore. Everything was going against me.

The Girl I Used To Be

2008-05-27T12:59:00.002+02:00

She came tonight as I sat alone
The girl I used to be....
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully;

Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do?

Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?

And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.

So gently rising I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems,
and precious they are to me;
That the silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman I am now
Pleased the girl I used to be

Author: Rowena K. Lewis
Copyright March 9, 1997

I tried

2008-05-26T19:12:00.002+02:00

I phoned Johan and tried to talk to him. He just told me that if I didn't send him money, he's not going to allow for me to see Xaynee.

Then I phoned Lili. I asked her if I could talk to Dolf and at first he listened, then he said that he will give me his attorney's telephone number. I told Lili that I';d speak to her again, but Dolf hang up and wouldn't answer the phone again.

I tried.

Don't know what to do anymore :'(

Shopping in South Africa :o) Hehe

2008-05-26T16:31:00.002+02:00

Yesterday...

2008-05-26T13:37:00.003+02:00

Well, after my terrible tantrum yesterday...I took some time to think, something I should've done a long time ago.

It all started with me and Andy having an argument about his daughter. I want for him to fight to get visitation rights and he just couldn't seem to be bothered. Then it hit me that he turned down the visitation rights he had because he didn't want to see his child under supervision. I was disgusted, thinking of myself again, I thought that if I had Lili so close to me, I would do anything to see her, even if it is under supervision.

So I ended up sleeping downstairs in the lounge and when I woke up, I told Mathew that I want my money because I want to go back to South Africa.

But then I had a talk with Andy again and I realised I was being selfish. I wasn't him and he needed to deal with this in his own time.

Then I tried phoning Lili, because I was too sick yesterday and Dolf wouldn't let me talk to her. I asked him if he would just explain to her why I couldn't phone the day before and he was rude when he said "No, I think she understands". As if he was insinuating that I just didn't care. He told me to phone on Monday. When I put down the phone, I couldn't stop crying.

Then I started thinking...

I realised that my children became my obsession and I had to let go.

Yeah... I know this is going to sound as if I am a bad mother and that I just don't care, but this is how I see it...

1. My children are all I think about, talk about and dream about and it is the only think I focus on. It meant that my relationship with Andy and everyone around me has become strained.

2. I was being selfish. Yes, I did want the best for my children, but I wanted them with ME more.

3. I was getting sicker and sicker, I need to focus on regaining my strength and getting well again.

4. If my fight for my kids has put such a tremendous strain on my and Andy's relationship, I know that it must be doing the same to Dolf and his wife. I see his wife as a kind-hearted person and the fact that she was being rude to me the other day should've opened my eyes already. In the end, it's not me, Andy, Dolf or Elsabe who is suffering the most. It's my little girl.

5. I remembered how I prayed to God and asked for his help. I knew that these were the answers I needed. I need to move on, let go and allow God to handle this for me, because I can't.

I talked it over with Andy and he told me to think about my decision for a day and then, if I'm still sure that it's the right thing to do, I can go ahead. Well, I've had time and this is my decision:

*Lili*

I am going to trust Dolf and Elsabe that they only want what is best for my daughter and that they will look after her. I would like to be able to talk to my daughter comfortably and see her whenever I go to SA. I want to be able to send her presents and know that she will get it and I want Dolf and Elsabe to stop worrying so that we can build up a trusting relationship where my daughter can feel she is not just an object worth fighting over.

*Xaynee*

I want to ask Johan that we share custody without me going back to SA. I am going to leave this up to him. Xaynee will never have the life of a normal child and I think she will not be disrupted as much if we can agree to let her stay with each of us for six months at a time. I think that in the long run it will be best for her as she will also be getting the medical treatment that she needs.

All I can do is hope and pray that this is going to work out ok and I am going to start focusing on getting well again, I need to.

I don't care what people think. I love my children more than anything and that will never change, but this is what I need to do.

Just...........................

2008-05-25T09:28:00.003+02:00

As good as I might have been feeling yesterday and the day before, I just feel as shit today.

I've really reched the point where I just don't care anymore what people thinkor do.

I'm angry at Andy for being an ass and I just realized yesterday that it's just no fucking use to keep fighting for nthing. This battle was won, and not by me.

I give up.

Maybe I'll finish my story one day here on my blog, but for the time being...I just want to get my ass off this island.

I won't lie, I hate Johan and Dolf for what they've done to me and if I ever do go back to SA, I swear I'll fucking kill them.

I don't care wht happens to me anymore.

I hate my life.

I hate myself.

I'm just gonna take my stuff and go for a walk today. Don't know where I'm going and I don't care either.

Men are all useless bastards and I don't want anyone in my life ever again.

~Letting Go~

2008-05-25T08:55:00.002+02:00

A poem by Pearl Simmons

I can't protect you any more.
I can't make your hurt go away.
I tell you I love you and show you I care.
I try to help out when things don't seem fair.

But my power as a mother goes only so far.
I can't always reach the places you are.
I want to be close like we were before,
But you want to move on -- to discover what's more.

When you were a baby, I'd hold you tight,
And keep you forever within my sight.
I could satisfy your every need,
It was an easy time for us indeed.

And when you were a toddler and scraped your knee,
You'd hold out your arms and run to me.
I'd kiss where it hurt and make it feel fine.
A hug and a kiss worked every time.

I was always the one you turned to then.
I wish it could be like that again.
But now when you're sad you turn away,
And I don't know what words to say.

You're my little boy, but you're growing up fast.
I feel you slipping from my grasp.
I want to hold on, but I know it's time
For me to let go of this child of mine.

I long to protect you, to shield you from pain.
But I have to remind myself time and again,
That you have to experience life on your own,
While I stand back and leave you alone.

You're still so young, but you've already found
How kids can be mean when I'm not around.
School kids tease you and call you names.
They make fun of you and play cruel games.

I tell you not to worry, that it'll be alright
I tell you to be brave, yet I can't make things right.
I try to listen and to hold you near,
To give you solace and allay your fear.

I try to be there when the going gets tough.
Sometimes growing up can be so rough.
But I also feel proud of the person you are.
I know that you're strong and that you'll go far.

I realize it's time to start letting go.
I've taught you so much of the things that I know.
As you step forward, I'll take two steps back.
It's not easy for me, but I'll soon get the knack.

I'm letting go, but I'll never be far.
You can always reach me, wherever you are.
I watch you proudly as you start on your way.
My love goes with you as we start a new day.

Feeling better

2008-05-24T03:43:00.000+02:00

The steroids seem to be working because I have alot more energy and I'm even gonna go up to Andy's work tomorrow so I can spend a little more time with him.

I'm really proud of him and he is happy in his new work, that makes me glad :o)

Tonight I spent some time with Andy's gran and Mathew and we were playing some game I never saw in South Africa, it was fun because I've been keeping to myself alot lately and Mathew and I are also back on speaking terms after we've sorted out most of our issues.

I'm feeling less depressed as well since I made my decision to let go a little bit of my situation.

There is no use in crying the whole time, I am going to focus on getting healthy for the time being because I have a future and there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view either, in the end, whatever happens...nothing will change the way I feel about my children and even though I feel that there were alot of people who conspired against me, one day it will be their debt to pay.

I will also continue in telling my story and I will add extra bits and pieces to it as I remember them. I need to do it, it's just my way of accepting my past and moving on. I need to do it for Andy's sake, actually I should have done it a long time ago.

I am thinking about leaving the choice up to Johan, if he decides to allow his jealousy and obsession to cloud his mind...in the end he's gonna be the one to deal with his conscience. I can offer and provide Xaynee the love, care, and medical treatment she deserves and I will never keep her from seeing her father. I am just not the type of person who will take revenge. If Johan wants to take that away from my little girl, so be it. I can't fight against South Africa's laws and corrupt justice system, that doesn't mean that I am not going to get an attorney and go to court, but if I can't bring her here then Johan will be the one depriving her of a decent future.

As far as Lili is concerned, I haven't really decided yet. All I know is that I want my little princess to be happy and whatever happens...I will make sure she is just that before I'm making any decisions.

It's time for me to start focusing on what I have and that is a wonderful, loving and caring man who will do anything to make me happy. I want him to be happy too, because after all he's helped me with and all the support he has given me, I haven't done much to make him feel that I'm thankful. He has given me a chance and he saw in me the person I forgot I can be. He accepted me unconditionally and I want him to know that I will do whatever I can to make up for the second chance at life he has given me.

It is not always easy for me to talk to anyone here and expressing my feelings is even harder because I'm not english but Andy is the one person who just seems to understand without me even having to explain. I wish I could convince him to start fighting for visitation rights for his daughter, I would love to see and meet his little girl and I would really like for her to be a part of our life together. He just seems so hesitant. He doesn't really talk about it and he's convinced that it's going to be hard and I can understand that he might feel scared. He just doesn't want to get his hopes up and then get disappointed, but I have a very strong feeling that he should start dealing with that part of his life too. I know he is going to read this eventually and I hope he won't be upset with me. I just think he's already proved that he can act responsibly if he's got the motivation to do so. His past and everything that goes with it shouldn't keep him from seeing his daughter, I hope he understands that I am feeling really strong about this.

Anyway, I read a quote a long time ago...

„Just because a person made mistakes, that doesn't make him a bad person.″

I mentioned this to Andy tonight and he agreed, as I think anyone will do.

I've made many mistakes, but I learned from them and it made me the person I am today.

I just want my baby to be happy and if you're reading this...

Baby, I love you and thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for understanding and accepting me and thank you for being who you are because you made me the person I am today xxx

Too much to handle

2008-05-23T04:13:00.000+02:00

I remember way back when Andy and I were apart after he left South Africa and I was waiting for my passport...

The hurt I felt back then was similar to the hurt I'm feeling now because I'm apart from my children.

Talking over the phone just isn't enough and every time I hear their little voices it feels like my heart is being torn out.

Neither Andy, nor I am religious but I remember how we both started praying back then that we could be together again soon. It was all we could do, it was out of our hands.

Tonight I decided to do the same as then. It might sound wrong, considering that I'm not really really religious but I do believe that there is a Higher Power out there.

I was brought up as a Christian, which means that for me that Higher Power is God but to be honest, I'm not bothered what his name is, I know that he is and always have been there whenever things get too much to handle.

Being a perfectionist by nature hasn't made anything easier for me. I know now that I can't control every aspect of my life and that everything can't be perfect.

As hard as I try, I can't make everything turn out to be perfect for me and those I love, no matter how hard I try,

I have always hated this feeling of being out of control.

Well, tonight I want God to help me. I want him to take over my problems and guide me because I can't do it on my own. Not anymore. I tried and I failed.

Are children less important?

2008-05-23T01:54:00.000+02:00

The things parents who have their children with them every day take for granted and the way they treat their children really makes me sad.

Have you ever considered how you treat your best friend who just had her heart broken by a man you warned her about? You console her and give her the courage to go out and try again.

But have you seen or maybe done it yourself that when your child does something that you warned them not to do...it's so easy to be rude or nasty and tell them ″I told you not to do it, you should have listened″

When you walk into a stranger in a shop by accident, you say ″Oh excuse me″ but when you trip over your child in the kitchen, you say ″Get out from under my feet″

It makes me sad to hear people complain about how naughty their children are while I'll do anything to have just half of the time they spend with their children, to spend with mine.

Thinking of giving up...again

2008-05-22T14:13:00.003+02:00

Everything is starting to get to me. I just don't know how mush more of this I can take. I phoned the social worker who is working on Xaynee's case and she told me that Johan had the right to withhold my right to speak to Xaynee if it upsets her. So I told her but I had a right to speak to her and that made no difference. So I told her how Johan is trying to manipulate me and that he isn't considering what is best for Xaynee, only for himself and she said that I'm doing the same because I said that I had a right. This is all just so wrong!

I told Andy that my court case is the 30th of June and that I can't choose him above my child, I have to go back. He's upset and I've been crying the whole morning. I didn't even sleep last night, I just don't know what to do and this is breaking my heart. What am I going to do when I get back in SA anyway? I'll be in the same situation. I won't have money or a place to stay and the court won't give Xaynee back unless I do.

There might be a way for me to get the court case postponed. If I get a letter from my doctor stating that I am undergoing medical treatment, I can use that, but on the other hand...I still don't know what is going to happen once I get back to SA and I don't know if I'll be able to afford a lawyer yet.

I'm really getting to the point where I feel like saying "Fuck this, I give up!"

Xenophobia in South Africa

2008-05-22T03:44:00.000+02:00

It's almost impossible to describe this feeling inside me.

Like standing outside a glass cage, looking in. I am becoming one of THEM.

THEM: the people I used to ask in my thoughts...why aren't you doing anything? Can't you see the pain? Why aren't you helping?

I realised this and I asked myself...but why?

Maybe because I am safe?
Maybe because I only found out about the Xenophobia on a blog?
Maybe because I don't see the killing and torture on the news every day?

That doesn't make it right...I know.

I used to wonder and judge because I thought they didn't WANT to help. Then I opened my eyes...they don't understand.

It's sad, they are so ignorant.

They called me a racist when I came here, I didn't deny it. I knew the truth, they would never understand if I tried to explain. They live in a haven of peace of prosperity, they don't know hi-jackings, rape and murder.

They are afraid.

South Africans have grown used to the violence and crime. There is no right and wrong, justice is just a word with a definition that they don't practice.

I'm not ashamed to be a South African, I'm just disappointed that people look at me and judge me for something I am not.

We are not judged as a person, we are judged as a nation.

Xenophobia in the townships have proved that there is no control and no justice. It was bound to happen sooner or later, it's just sad that innocent people's lives are being taken as a result from it.

Back on medication

2008-05-22T03:09:00.000+02:00

So...I went to see the specialist today and he decided to do more blood tests. He's also going to do a liver biopsy, so I have to go back in three weeks time. In the meantime he has put me back on steroids so that will help me feel alot better. He wants to send me to see a liver specialist in Southampton, and to be honest...I hope he doesn't. I haven't gotten over my fear of people yet and I'm not sure that I will be able to cope, but if that's what I'll have to do to get better, for my kids' sake I will go. What really surprised me though was that the medication over here is not nearly as expensive as in South Africa.

I tried getting hold of the social worker that is working with Xaynee's case in Pretoria but she isn't available until tomorrow afternoon. I contacated the court and they told me that only she can help me and that the final court case is 30 June but that they can't continue if I'm not there. I'm not really happy about this but this time I'm not as stupid and ignorant as I was with Lili's case.

I am happy about one thing though and that is that Andy is happy in his work. He even met a South African today, I can't wait to get well again so I can spend more time with him.

My Story Part Eight

2008-05-21T03:41:00.000+02:00

I was sitting in my dad's car, talking on the car kit and this woman told me that Lili had been removed from my care with a Form 4.

The reasons she said was this:

1. Johan had placed Lili in a trailer and closed it and Lili apparently displayed a terrible fear of Johan.
2. Johan and I both abused alcohol and then became violent.
3. I threw cups at a wall.
4. Neither of us were working and sat at home the whole day.

I was too shocked to say anything but I agreed to go and see her.

My parents were just as shocked. They knew about the whole trailer incident. It happened two years before while I was sick with my illness and in bed, but Lili always referred to it as a joke.
They knew that it couldn't have been true that I abused alcohol, due to my illness.
As I mentioned earlier on, I threw the cups in self-defence and Lili probably mentioned it because it was still fresh in her memory.
The last point wasn't true either, we ran our own business and we had the advantage of being able to pick the children up from school and not go to work again sometimes.

At first I was angry, Dolf finally did it. He took her away, just as he always said he would.

In the meantime, living with my parents wasn't easy either. Me and my mom were constantly fighting about the way she was treating Xaynee. By that time we didn't know that she was disabled and my mom said that Xaynee was just messy and naughty.

Then Andy also left me, I had no one and I was heartbroken. I lost two of the most important people in my life and I had to stay strong for Xaynee........

Hmmm...

2008-05-21T03:21:00.000+02:00

Last night Johan sent me an sms. Stupid as I am, I replied and that only led to more sms's.

He kept telling me that I'm a bad mother for having left my children, that I chose a man instead of my children, called me a whore and then told me that I wouldn't see or speak to my children again because him and Dolf have them now. What broke my heart was when he said that he told Xaynee that I'm dead. He's said it before but this is really getting to me now.

I contacted the social worker today and she said that she was going to phone Dolf today and tell him that he can't refuse me any contact with Lili, but when I phoned tonight he didn't answer. I'll just have to phone the social worker again.

I made an appointment to see the specialist tomorrow at 14:00, I'm scared.

I can't do this forever, I want it to end :(

Just thoughts

2008-05-21T03:02:00.000+02:00

In my mind I have been struggling with a question about whether what I'm doing is right.

I woke up this evening and the first thought that crossed my mind was that I needed to go back to South Africa.

I felt guilty.

I lay there, trying to convince myself that it's not the right thing to do. I looked for reasons to justify my being here and not with my children while a voice in my head kept telling me to go back...that it wasn't so bad...that I'll be with Xaynee...and that Johan might be telling the truth...maybe he can and will help me to get Lili back.

I felt torn. It felt wrong that I was happy without my children and I cried.

No one understands the pain. The emptiness where you once felt the love of your children. The constant battle and the dead-end streets.

I love my children more than anything and I will give my life for them, it hurts not to have them here with me but it's my own fault.

All I've ever wanted for them was the best that life could offer, but it wasn't in my hands. When I begged for help, no one listened and now I'm paying the price for the mistakes I made.

How was I to know?

Me vs The Game

2008-05-19T22:05:00.000+02:00

I like to think of myself as a nice, calm, relaxed type of person. I would rather observe, rather than partake in any type of situation.

I'm patient, caring and loyal to those close to me but don't play with my other side cause you'll get eaten up as my main course dinner, I don't just bite.

Tonight my other side has been dying to surface. I'm in a very bad mood and suprising as it may seem...a damn pc game is the reason.

Why?

It's absorbing my fiance!

It sneaked it's way into the house, took over BOTH the computers I have access to, possessed my fiance and his brother and I'm left with my stupid i-mate cellphone and absolutely no one to talk to.

It's not my type of game, so I can't even join in their 'fun'.

I'm lying in bed all alone and all I'm hearing is THE GAME.

No, I'm not jealous because I can't play it, I'm furious because when I try talking to Andy, he keeps his focus on THE GAME while he's pretending to listen to me. Oh he HEARS me alright, he just doesn't listen.

Then I have Johan phoning me, asking me to phone him back. I'm worried that something might be wrong with Xaynee, so I do and what does he want? He wants to know how I'm doing and when I'm coming back.

He keeps asking me whether that social worker has contacted me yet, I wonder why.

My Story Part Seven

2008-05-19T20:15:00.001+02:00

During December 2006 Johan told me that Dolf apparently told his (Johan's) mother that he had a court order to keep Lili there in Kuruman with him.

At first I ignored it, I've heard it all before. Then Christmas came and Dolf still had the same story.

I finally took Xaynee and on the 3rd of January 2007 I 'temporarily' moved in with my parents. I also applied for a protection order against Johan.

School was due to start and it was Lili's first school year, I started to panic. My dad took me to the police station to open a contempt of court case against Dolf so he would bring Lili back but he told the police the same...he had a court order.

I turned cold when I realised that he was taking revenge on me. Before her visit I threatened to take him to court for the maintenance he was in appears with and I still remember his words over the phone... ″If you can't care for her, I'll take her″. He was also sending me sms's. One said... ″The wheel turns. You took my child away from me and now it's your turn to suffer. Lili accepted my wife as her mother and she wants nothing to do with you.″

It took all the strength I had to keep myself together. The police wasn't doing anything either and in the end I wrote to the Beeld. The next day someone at the police station told me to phone the social worker who was in possession of my file.

I phoned this social worker and she told me what was going on.......

I'm getting REALLY frustrated

2008-05-19T20:05:00.000+02:00

I've been regaining alot of my energy and strength lately, but I'm spending most of my time in bed.

The specialist will be available tomorrow morning and since he is the one that has my test results, I have to wait for him.

Tried contacting the social worker again today, but she is still not taking any phone calls and we were told to phone tomorrow morning.

Dolf didn't answer any of their phones when I called, but I didn't really expect him to answer.

I'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

Birth year vid

2008-05-19T16:13:00.001+02:00

Lol I got asked by Wipneusto post a video of a song that was released in the year I was born.

This is the best I could come up with.

For my baby x

2008-05-19T09:33:00.003+02:00

After Andy left South Africa in January, I was heartbroken. We used to talk on Skype or on the phone and it literally hurt.

He sent me this song and the words just made me cry every time I listened to it. He was in Guernsey and I was in South Africa, all I had was memories of the two most wonderful weeks of my entire life. Images kept flashing through my head...especially of when he walked away from me on the airport to get on the plane.

Set The Fire To The Third Bar - Snow Patrol
(feat. Martha Wainwright)

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd 'B'
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

My Story Part Six

2008-05-19T04:56:00.000+02:00

I can remember many arguments that turned violent. Most were about Lili.

At first I even gave my best as far as his children were concerned. I bought them clothes whenever I bought Lili clothes, I spent time with them and played with them. Until I realised one day that I was fighting a losing battle.

I always blow-dried Lili's hair, she has the most beautiful hair and I loved doing it. So I tried doing the same for Johan's girls. Then one day the oldest one told me I shouldn't do it because her grandmother says it doesn't look nice. I gave up right then and there. Johan's mother also treated Lili as though she never were a part of them, it made her sad and she used to cry about it sometimes when I put her in bed. How could I explain to my daughter that it wasn't her fault and that this woman was just plain rude?

I realised later on that it was jealousy. Lili is a beautiful child. I know that any mother would say that about her children, but people have actually stopped me in shopping malls to stare at her. Johan later admitted that he was jealous of her, his children wasn't as pretty as she was, and he made her pay for that by treating her the way he did.

During our relationship, we had alot of trouble with getting Dolf to pay maintenance. The visits didn't go very smoothly either and we had to go to Kuruman twice to get Lili at our own cost. Dolf simply refused to bring her back.

The last time was in December 2005. I wanted Lili back before Christmas, Dolf threatened me with the welfare and court and everything until we finally just got in the car and went to Kuruman. When we got there, he wouldn't let me take Lili and I had to talk to the social worker first. This was a different social worker than the one who originally opened a file though.
I was shocked when she showed me a written and sworn statement by Johan's mother that I had said Lili could stay until January. I told them I never said it and that I wanted my child.

When we confronted Johan's mother, she said that the kids, that is Johan's kids, had said that but she omitted that fact in her statement. I was angry, I never spoke to Johan's mother again after that.

Shortly after that I started writing blogs on a mobile site and I also started going into chat rooms. It was my way of escaping my reality and I could write anything I wanted in my blogs, without the risk of having people like Johan and his mother reading it and using it against me.

I met Andy on that same site, at the time I thought I was crazy to fall in love with a person on the other side of the world, but we grew closer than I think either of us realised. He supported me and gave me the hope and strength to go on when all I wanted to do was to give up.

Johan found an sms or two from Andy on my phone. I had to explain and I did. I told Johan that I didn't love him anymore...then he became obsessed.

A week or two before Lili had to go to Dolf, Johan started an argument with me and he stormed up to me and Lili. I wanted to protect her, so I did the first thing I could think of...I threw cups at him. I missed though.

Andy knew about every single incident that occured. I never lied to him and always told him the truth, what I didn't know back then was that he was also going through a difficult time.

After Lili was gone, Johan and I had another fight. This time he took Xaynee and left. After all the threats that he was going to take her away, I didn't know what to think. My face and neck was badly bruised and I phoned the police. I was hysterical, all I had was Andy to calm me down. The police arrived and I begged them for help, I also wanted to open a kidnapping case. They went to speak to Johan's mother, I heard how she told them that I had a mental problem and that I was out of control so Johan just 'took the kids to safety'. The police just left and told me to phone them when Johan gets back. I could scream. Why wouldn't they listen? Why wouldn't they help me?
Johan's mother was standing there, calling me a whore, told me I was crazy and she was being all smug about it.

I had to get away.

Lies

2008-05-19T02:37:00.000+02:00

I hate lies. Most people do.

So what makes me different?

I was brought up by a mother who taught me that lies hurt, lies are wrong, and that the truth ALWAYS comes out...so why lie?

Me and my youngest brother ended up being very straightforward and undiplomatic in some instances. I can also detect a lie a mile away.

That caused both of us to have very poor human relations and very few friends.

I won't lie to protect you.

I won't lie to spare your feelings.

I won't lie to hurt you.

I'm not saying that I've never lied, I'll even admit that I did. But I'm too honest to keep the lie a secret...I will come out with the truth eventually.

That doesn't happen alot though.

I have trouble trusting people once they've lied to me or to others. I distance myself from people that I've caught lying.

So what brought this on?

I'm upset....REALLY upset.

Catherine (the neighbour across the street), came here on Friday night and asked me if she could borrow 10 pounds.

That's another thing...

I don't mind if people borrow money because they need food, maybe because I've been through that myself, but I will not lend anyone money so she can leave her husband and three children at home and go out drinking. I told her that too and what did I get?

She went downstairs and told Andy's gran that I told her once that I was disappointed when I came here because I thought Andy had money.

I was too sick to be angry at first...but thinking about it now, how can any normal person do something like that? How could she tell a blatant lie just because I didn't want to give her the money?

This came from the same bitch who called Andy a compulsive liar. I mean, what is wrong with these people? They really don't realise how lucky they are to have so many opportunities, all they do is complain and judge others.

I'm just not used to that.

Doing better

2008-05-19T01:09:00.000+02:00

When I woke up this morning, I felt so much better.

I had enough energy to do some ironing, even though I got dizzy. The pain killers is really helping.

I got back into bed after a few hours and fell asleep, Andy has been looking after me the whole time and he's been doing everything for me, even made me dinner...twice lol but at least I'm eating.

I didn't realise I had so much water retention until I saw this morning that I have a flat belly again hehe

Andy won't let me off this time though, his mom already made it clear that I'm still going to see the specialist.

I'm just glad I'm feeling a bit better :o)

The Miracle of A Child's Wish

2008-05-19T00:48:00.001+02:00

As my usual day goes, I was thinking about my children today. Suddenly a very special memory came into my thoughts.

Last year September, Lili visited me for the school holiday. We went to pick her up in Kuruman and on our way back to Pretoria, my mom asked Lili that if she had three wishes and she knew they would come true, what she would wish for.

Lili replied that she wished my dad who has a hearing problem could hear properly. Then she wished my mom who has had several operations on her eyes could see properly.

Her last wish was that her little sister Xaynee would be able to walk like a normal child.

I was in tears as I hugged my little girl, she didn't think of herself once.

The time Lili spent with us was the most wonderful time I've had these past two years. Seeing her play with Xaynee and the way she cared and watched out for her was just beautiful.

After we had to take her back, something happened...

One morning Xaynee woke me up by stroking her hand across my cheek. She looked happy in a strange kind of way. I got up and followed her to the kitchen to make her breakfast...then I realised...

My baby girl is walking with her heel down, like a normal child! I woke Johan up and we were so happy...but it only lasted a week before the muscle in her leg went back into spasm.

I wondered about that alot and today, for the first time...I figured it out that Xaynee needed her big sister.

Remembering this has given me new hope to keep fighting. I want my two little girls to be together.

AIH taking over

2008-05-18T00:09:00.001+02:00

I hardly had any strength to get out of the bed today. Andy was working the whole day and I slept.

I did try to phone Lili at 20:00 sa time but needless to say, no one answered the phone.

I'm too sick at the moment to even feel depressed.

I was throwing up earlier and I'm getting more and more confused, I know I'll be ok though. Tomorrow Andy's mom will also be here and Andy isn't working tomorrow so I won't be alone again.

My Story Part Five

2008-05-16T15:16:00.001+02:00

Johan and I moved into another house, one we called the 'old house', but it was on the same smallholding as where his parents lived. In fact, the houses were only 30 meters apart.

His children stayed in his mother's house but Lili decided to stay with us.

On 12 August 2003 Xaynee-Leigh was born. Johan and Lili weren't getting along very well though and it led to numerous arguments, Lili was especially 'afraid' whenever she came back from a visit with her dad. I was too naive and ignorant back then to have recognised the signs that he was 'coaching' her. After these visits, it took only a small while for Lili to go back to her normal self and she would kiss and hug Johan and later she called him 'Dada', although Dolf apparently thought that we told her to call him that, we never did. It was something she had learned from Johan's brother's stepchildren.

The arguments between me and Johan only became worse and worse until he too started to physically abuse me. It felt like history was repeating itself, he called me crazy and told me that he would make sure that I lost both of my children. I just couldn't stand hearing him call Lili 'a brat' or seeing him kick her toys around the room. I was afraid of Johan. He was alot stronger and had a bigger build than Dolf.

My parents never liked Johan, but whenever I phoned my mother and asked for them to help me get away, she told me that they weren't going to get involved and that I made my bed and should sleep in it. Johan even went so far as to phone my parents and tell them to come and get me, when they refused, he used it against me and told me that I was just as bad a parent as my parents were and that it was no wonder that I turned out to be such a whore.

On Lili's 3rd birthday, we went to a restaurant with the three children (I didn't know I was pregnant yet). I had to sit in the back with all three of them because Johan brought along a friend. On our way back home, an argument started when all the children wanted to sleep and they were uncomfotable. Johan shouted at me and when we dropped his friend off, he got abusive. I jumped out of the car with Lili and Johan gave me the pepper spray and told me that if he didn't stop, I could spray him. He didn't stop and I asked him to pull over the car, he didn't, so I turned the steering wheel so he couldn't keep driving. He hit me across the face and pulled my head back with my hair, I sprayed but it also affected his oldest daughter. I didn't care anymore, I ran away with Lili and people picked me up and dropped me off at my parents place. Next thing, Johan pulled up, with my parents and when my dad walked past me I heard him ask me..."Are you fucking crazy?" I went back home with Johan...

This was only one incident, there were many more and some I probably don't even remember, maybe I don't want to.

Johan's parents only made it worse. His mother would come meddling every time we had an argument, every time I was made out to be the one in the wrong. I was frustrated.

I used to write letters and poems to get rid of all my feelings, but I finally discovered that Johan's mom had been going through my things and she took all my writing. I discovered this when she too started threatening me that she would make sure that I would lose my children because I was mentally unstable and that my writing just proved it.

I didn't know what to do. My life was a living hell and I remember how I used to put Lili in bed and promised her that I would take her away...again history repeating itself.

Johan used to get angry because Lili followed me around, sit on my lap, and wanted me to stay with her until she fell asleep.

I told him that he was being unreasonable and that his oldest daughter was exactly the same with him...another argument. His mom came meddling again and she shoved me around. Then she phoned a friend of hers who lived nearby, a woman who used to be a nurse in a mental institution. This woman came there, hit me across the face more than once and she shoved me around. I kept screaming, I heard Johan's mother tell him that he should leave this woman because she knew how to handle people like me, insinuating ofcourse that I had a mental problem.

I couldn't take it anymore. It broke my heart to put my beautiful little girl through it but I also knew that she wouldn't be better off with her father.

Then I tried to commit suicide, twice. I thought that it would lead to one of two things, either me being dead and at least my little girl could lead a happier life, because I thought my parents would fight to get her in their custody...or it would be a cry for help. Not help because I was mentally unstable, but help to escape from the nightmare.

It's a nightmare

2008-05-16T13:50:00.002+02:00

I'm still sleeping most of the time and the pain is only getting worse. The specialist that I was supposed to see today can't get to the island because it's too misty and the doctor told Andy's mom to take me to A&E if I get worse. I hate hospitals though, so I'd rather wait.

I tried phoning the social worker, but she isn't taking any phone calls today so I asked the woman who answered the phone to give her a message and explained to her what had happened.

Then I phoned Xaynee, she sounded so sad and I just started crying because everything is getting too much for me. Johan took the phone again and I mentioned to him that Dolf won't let me speak to Lili and he replied that if he can give me a tip...I'd better get back in South Africa, quick. He didn't want to say anything more and I told him that I really couldn't, I'm just too sick at the moment. Johan asked me to post him a letter stating that I really am sick 'to help me' and that made me angry so I accused him of working together with Dolf and I put down the phone.

Andy and his mom is so worried about me and I'm really trying not to show when I'm in pain, but sometimes it just gets too bad. I haven't told Andy yet, but I guess I should...I'm having pain in my kidneys too now.

I wish this nightmare would stop.

My Story Part Four

2008-05-16T03:09:00.000+02:00

I found work after I moved to Pretoria and Dolf applied for a divorce. I had a written agreement with his attorney that Lili could visit him in Kuruman for two weeks every six months. He also had to pay R500 towards maintenance for Lili.

The first visit was a disaster. Dolf simply refused to bring Lili back to me and threatened to hurt me if I attempted to fetch her. In the end I paid R3 000 for protection to help me to get her back. When I got back in Pretoria, I took Lili to emergencies at the hospital, we knew something was wrong because she had a terrible fever. She had tonsilitis and a chest infection. I couldn't believe that Dolf never took her to a doctor. Dolf didn't contact Lili again for three months, the next visit went a little smoother though.

During July 2002, I became involved with a man who was thirteen years older than me. He was working with me and he was still married and had two children but his marriage ended long before we met. This man was Johan.

After a month or so his wife finally left him and since Johan's mom had mainly raised their children and he was living with them, she left her children there. I moved in with him but his parents made it clear that they didn't approve of me and Johan treated Lili badly. I left him after two months and went with Lili when she visited Dolf at the end of 2002.

During that visit, Dolf and his mother had a terrible argument after he didn't come home one night and she accused him of smoking marijuana.

When I got back in Pretoria, Johan begged me to go back to him and I did.

If only I knew then what hell I was gonna go through for the next 5 years......

One Day

2008-05-15T22:54:00.002+02:00

I am happy

I have *you*

Even though you're far away

I know you're out there...somewhere

And that tonight when you dream

It may not be of me

But it doesn't matter

Nothing lasts forever

And in my heart

I have two little treasures

That belong to me

And one day

We will be together

Forever

xxx

South African Hospitals

2008-05-15T22:36:00.000+02:00

Sooooooooooooooo.........

I needed to cheer myself up a bit and I thought a good SA joke would do it, I ended up on this site: GPSA

LOL nice way of reminding myself why I left South Africa...

Actual writings on Mpumalanga (Northern Transvaal - S.A.) hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

AnGrY, AnGrY, AnGrY!!!!!

2008-05-15T20:20:00.003+02:00

Now I have just about flippen had it!

I phoned Lili on Dolf's cell and his wife answered. She told me that before I can speak to Lili, she wants to know something. So I listened.

She wanted my email address, so I told her that Dolf has it and she said they lost it and that Dolf's attorney wants it.

So I told her that I will sms it to them, with my address and contact details. I asked her again to speak with Lili and she kept saying that she wanted the details, so i said: "I just told you that I will sms it to you, anyway, why can't this attorney contact me himself?" (I was a bit annoyed to be honest).

She laughed and put down the phone, so I tried phoning again but they ignored it and switched off the phone and wouldn't answer the house telephone.

It's just wrong!!! They are not only doing this to me, they are doing it to my daughter as well, how could the court place her in their care???

I KNOW that what they are doing is against the law, but I nobody seems to want to help me.

Damnit!!!

My Story Part Three

2008-05-15T19:50:00.002+02:00

One day Dolf phoned his parents while we were having an argument. I went outside when they arrived because I didn't feel up to arguing with them too. They left soon and when I went back in, I discovered that they had taken Lili with them. I ran to the police station and begged them for help but they wouldn't listen. I phoned my parents and they contacted someone at the police station who phoned Dolf's parents and told them to bring Lili there. When I got there, I took Lili and tried to walk out the door but a woman there told me that I have to talk to Dolf's parents first. I just wanted to get away, so I treid to push my way through the door but a police officer pulled me back so hard that it left bruises on my arm. The woman threatened to open a case of child abuse against me if I didn't talk to Dolf's parents, I felt helpless. There I was being forced into an argument after they didn't even help me when I reported that these people took my child.

I still remember the nights I used to put Lili in bed, how she cried and I promised her that I was going to take her away from all of that, then something happened.

Dolf started shoving me around one day while I had Lili in my arms, I begged and shouted at him to stop but that made him even more angry, until he finally threw me against the wall. I got up and ran away. I applied for a protection order against him. Lili had a bad bruise on her forehead from when he threw against the wall. My dad asked an ex-colleague of his if I could stay there for a while.

Dolf was clever. He went to the ACVV and got a social worker to work on our case. This social worker was the first of many and she opened the original file in which the truth about what was going on at the time was specified. She convinced me to go back to Dolf and promised me that she would help us work through our problems.

Less than a month after that, another argument led me to contact my parents to come and take me and Lili away. I took Lili and we moved to Pretoria to live with my parents on 13 October 2001, two days before what would have been our 2nd anniversary.

My Story Part Two

2008-05-15T02:48:00.000+02:00

My Divorce

I was starting to get frustrated and lonely. Dolf was working for a courier business, he was only home every second day.

The fights and arguments didn't get any better and his parents made it worse. They too started threatening to take my baby away and told me I had a mental problem.

One day I snapped while Dolf was at work. I wanted to contact my parents but Dolf's mom hid the telephone. They started hiding it whenever I was alone at home. I was getting depressed and secluded myself by staying in our room with Lili.

Then one night I was feeding Lili her food and tried to put her to sleep. My food was in the kitchen but I wanted to get Lili in bed first. I heard Dolf's mom say that I was spiting myself by not eating. I got angry because that wasn't the case, but lost my appetite anyway.

The next day I saw my plate with my food standing in the kitchen, uncovered. That night they gave me the same food to eat. I demanded to phone my parents, Dolf wasn't there and his mom reverted to name-calling and refused to give me the telephone. I left the house and went to a collegue of Dolf's wife. We asked the police to take me to get some things for Lili. His father refused to even give me diapers or milk. I had no money and the police told me there was nothing they could do.

After that Dolf and I moved into our own place and things got even worse.

It started after Lili wouldn't stop crying one night...Dolf turned her onto her belly and gave her a hiding. I tried stopping him and he strangled me.

I knew that I would have to get away, I was afraid that he would hurt Lili again but I felt too ashamed to ask my parents for their help.

There was alot of physical violence and he used to leave bruises in places where no one could see. I tried locking him out of the house, so he just broke the window to gain access.

New year's eve in 2000 we went over to friends of his. I didn't like it as I wasn't drinking because I was still breastfeeding. I asked Dolf to take me home and he went back. When he finally came home, I knew he had smoked marijuana. He attacked me again because I tried to protect Lili from him that night.......

Things on my mind

2008-05-15T02:27:00.000+02:00

I went for my ultrasound today. I was shocked to see just how damaged my liver really is and according to the doctor I have severe cirrhosis of the liver. I'm still waiting for them to get back to me about my blood tests.

Andy is really worried and I am feeling kinda guilty, I know he never really expected to see me like this.

I'm a bit upset with something his mom said today, but maybe I'm just being over-sensitive. She knows that Andy and I had a row with his brother and his girlfriend about the whole racist issue. Today she made it clear just how much she likes Andy's brother's girlfriend. I'm not bothered by the fact that she likes her, I just thought his mother would be more considerate. Andy has also started to talk to his brother again, I just can't forget what they said and I don't like his girlfriend. I won't pretend.

Another thing has been playing on my mind...

My parents.

Since that day I asked him to help me get Xaynee back and he replied in not so many words that I should go back and sort it out myself, I haven't heard from them. I did tell my dad that I was sick, he hasn't even bothered asking me how I'm doing.

How am I supposed NOT to be angry, sad and hurt?

At least I had the chance to talk to Xaynee tonight :o)

I do talk to you

2008-05-14T14:47:00.001+02:00

By Jessica Soukup, 11/98

"I Do Talk To You"
I know you can't hear me....but I do talk to you.
And I hear everything you say to me too.
I hear when you laugh when I do something funny
I hear you yell "Hooray" when I try so hard
I hear you tell others how you'd never trade me for the world
Even with all the trials I came with.
I hear you thank God for what a blessing you have been given.
I hear you encourage me when I can almost do it
I hear you cry, too, when it gets a little harder
And when you ask God "Why?!" your baby
And I know you know I understand somehow.
And you know I listen when you talk to me too
But, I want you to know, mom...........
I do talk to you.

My Story - Part One

2008-05-14T03:00:00.000+02:00

My Marriage

I met Dolf when I was only 15 years old, I should've known then from his violent behaviour and excessive drinking that it was not the right thing to stay with him, but I was a rebellious teenager and he was a manipulator.

Have I known then what I know now, I might have made different choices, but I was young and naive.

The early signs was already there...
Whenever I left him, he'd threaten to commit suicide and told me that he couldn't live without me. He used to say that if he couldn't have me, then no one will.

By the time I fell pregnant at 17, he had his hold on me. He had been emotionally and physically abusing me from the start, but ignorance caused me not to recognise it. He had strangled, hit me and threatened me, I stayed with him because I felt ashamed. My mom had been right...she never liked him.

We got married on 15 October 1999 when I was already 3 months pregnant with Lili. My parents only wanted the best for me and my child so they paid the rent for our apartment and Dolf only had to provide in terms of food etc. I was studying Marketing through a correspondence college then.

I thought the abuse would stop while I was pregnant...I was wrong. He hit me, kicked me and threatened me with a knife and whenever I screamed he told me I was crazy and that he'd get me locked up in a mental institution and then he'd take the baby. I lived in fear. By that time he had already estranged me from all of my friends and I told nobody. He came home drunk a couple of times, I tried not to fight...I was afraid for my baby.

After Lili was born, everything got even worse. Dolf had no patience and I had to get up and nurse Lili in the other bedroom, he got angry when she cried.

I loved my baby to bits and it broke my heart to hear her screams whenever Dolf was hurting me.

One day one of my old college friends came by to see Lili and she asked me to go home with her, she wanted her mom to see Lili. I did, but when Dolf came home and I wasn't there, he phoned me and told me to get myself home immediately. When I got home, I could see the anger in his eyes. Lili was hungry, so I sat down on the bed to feed her. She was lying in my arms when I felt him slap me across my face. I didn't react, just held Lili closer.

Sometimes when I screamed he used to put his hand in my mouth, scratching it inside. It hurt. Still...I kept quiet. I was too afraid that he'd take my baby away.

Then things changed...

My mother could no longer afford to pay her part of our rent, so we moved into a bigger place with her, My dad and my brothers came to visit us from Pretoria, as we were living in Bloemfontein then.
They were all downstairs when Dolf and I started arguing upstairs while I was giving Lili a bath. Dolf hit his fist against the wall just above Lili's head and everyone came storming up and grabbed him away from me and Lili.

That night Dolf told me that if I didn't move with him to Kuruman, he would open a case of assault against my dad and my brothers. The next day we moved to Kuruman into his parents' house.

For two months I had no contact with anyone....

~Xaynee-Leigh~

2008-05-14T02:04:00.001+02:00

She was 'different' from the start...as though she never 'belonged'
I've seen her make people smile and make people cry
I've seen people being cruel and making comments
It made me angry and it made me cry

One day we were standing outside a supermarket and a woman walked by
I heard her say to her friend...

″Look at that big baby still wearing a bib″
I felt so angry that I wanted to walk straight up to this woman
I wanted to give her a piece of my mind
I wanted to insult her and humiliate her
Xaynee was only four years old, but I saw nothing less than an angel in her
How could this woman be so insensitive and cruel?
That night I cried myself to sleep

The next day I kept seeing this woman in my thoughts
She didn't look young, so I thought to myself...
Does she even have children?

We all want perfect children, right?
I have one
She can't say many words, maybe twenty
But she knows 'Please' and 'Thank you' and when to use them
She gives people hugs and kisses
People she hardly knows, and she means it
She cuddles up to you and hugs you when you're crying
She laughs with you when you laugh

She never wakes you in the morning on a weekend
She goes to the kitchen and make herself a sandwich
Then she finds something to do until you wake up

She doesn't fight like other children, she can't speak
She can't run like other children, so she helps you in the house
Does any mother have what I have?

I don't care that she can't eat without spilling some food
I don't care that she still wears diapers
I don't care that I sometimes have to carry her
I don't care that she has tantrums
I don't care that she can't do the things that other children do
Angels are meant to be different
They radiate love
They look at you and they don't see a face or a body
No, angels were given a gift...
They can sense what's right from wrong
They can sense what's true and false
And they can sense what's love and hate
My little angel was given that gift

All I want is to feel her hugs and kisses again
To play with her during the day
To dance with her in my arms to all her favourite songs
And to put her in bed at night

All I want...

All I wish for...

Is to have my little angel back

Waiting. . .

2008-05-14T00:55:00.001+02:00

I haven't heard anything from the social worker yet, but at the moment I an trying to just be patient and not worry about it too much. I have been sleeping alot lately, so I don't have much time to think and maybe it's just as good.

I went to the doctor this morning and they are doing blood tests and tomorrow I'll be going for an ultrasound of my liver. I feel a little guilty because it's expensive and even Andy's mom has been paying. I've never been cared for in such a way, not even by my parents, so it's kind of hard to get used to it without feeling guilty.

I've been missing Xaynee alot these past couple of days, I just hope that she's ok. I'm living with all this guilt inside of me for the way I was never really there for her because I was so heartbroken over Lili. I want so badly to make it up to her and give her the kind of life she will have over here. She will be treated the way she is supposed to be treated and that is all I want for my little angel. She deserves it.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!

2008-05-12T10:08:00.000+02:00

I'm so happy and excited right now that I'm actually trembling.

I just got off the phone after talking to Child Welfare in Bloemfontein and I spoke to the nicest and friendliest social worker I've ever come across.

She took Dolf's telephone number and she is going to phone him to set up an appointment to speak to Lili.

I'm feeling so much better, I hope that this social worker will see what is really going on.

Life in Guernsey

2008-05-12T09:01:00.003+02:00

I've had alot of people from South Africa ask me how it is to live here. In a way I can understand that, the first time I heard that Andy lived on an island it sounded so strange lol I guess I pictured it a whole lot different.

Well, here are a few pictures:

To describe it in my own words...it's like a cross between Bloemfontein's old historical buildings, Namakwaland's daisies, and Cape Town's cold sea and I'm in love with the island :o)

Lancresse Bay

Belvoir Lane, Herm

(Herm is one of Guernsey's sister islands and can clearly be seen from Guernsey)

Brecqhou

(Another one of Guernsey's sister islands, owned by the Barclay brothers)

The Cliffs at Petit Bot, there are small caves in the cliffs, Andy showed them to me the other day.

The Fairy Ring

(Apparently this was used by witches and there are alot of myths about it)

Fermaine Bay

Fort Grey at night

(And before you ask, the sunsets really do look like that, it's beautiful. There are many of these Forts on the island which was built when they were invaded by Germany)

Jethou Sunrise

(Jethou is another sister island of Guernsey)

Lihou Island

(At low tide, Lihou forms part of Guernsey and it is possible to walk to there, but at high tide, it is an island on it's own)

Walkway to Lihou Island

The Little Chapel

(It is so small, it looks like a doll's house and you can barely stand up straight in it. Inside, there is a book where people and especially children write messages, next to the book you can see anything from jewellery to money left by visitors)

Road in Sark

(Sark is yet another sister island of Guernsey)

Soldiers Bay

View of Herm and Jethou

Castle Cornet

The shadow on the horizon is France

Herm, Jethou and Sark.

(That day it was raining in Guernsey and it was sunny over there)

The Bridge or 'mini-town'

The high street in town

Town Church

So there you have it, my own little perfect paradise :o)

Mother's Day

2008-05-12T08:57:00.000+02:00

Yesterday was Mothers Day in South Africa. I guess I'm happy that I slept for most of the day, I just didn't want to experience it.

It just hurts so much, just thinking that my daughter probably gave her stepmother a card or present while her dad is too selfish to allow me to even talk to her.

Saturday I tried phoning Lili again. At first they didn't answer the home telephone so I tried Dolf's cellphone again and Lili answered. She hardly answered before I heard her dad shouting in the background that she should ask me why I didn't phone on Thursday. I explained to Lili but she admitted that it was her dad who wanted to know and not her. Lili understands, she knows about my illness and that I'm not very well. I just wish someone would open their eyes and see that she isn't happy. I can hear it in her voice and it breaks my heart.

I didn't phone my mom though, I'm still angry about Xaynee. I feel disgusted by my parents' attitude, so they shouldn't expect too much from me.

Andy's mom is such a wonderful, easy-going person. Sometimes I have to keep myself from wishing that my mother was more like her. I don't think Andy appreciates his mother enough and he knows it, so I know that I'm going to pay for this later (he reads my blog behind my back lol).

That reminds me, I kinda 'forced' him to start a blog again. I used to love his blog entries, it was an easy way to get inside his head hehe

Well, this post went from depressing to happy, that's just how my moods go. Poor Andy, I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes.

I'm really proud of him though, he's gone out and proved to me that he will work to keep me here and that meant alot to me. He's also happy in his work, and that is all I really want for him, even though I get lonely when he isn't here.

My Story Part Five

2008-05-11T00:00:00.003+02:00

Some of my first blogs

2008-05-10T19:53:00.002+02:00

Lol they're not good, actually they SUCK, but it kinda brings back memories :0)

Keep in mind that they are short due to the fact that I was using a cellphone that only allowed 500 characters in a blog at a time.

My first alias I used was 'Dune'. Of course because I absolutely love the Dune novels written by Frank Herbert. That alias is now blocked lol and unfortunately the blogs only go back to about November 2006 (I had the bad habit of deleting my blogs). Oh...and excuse the language hehe

Dune 1
Dune 2
Dune 3
Dune 4
Dune 5
Dune 6

'Angelzbreeze' Blog:

Angelzbreeze 1
Angelzbreeze 2
Angelzbreeze 3
Angelzbreeze 4
Angelzbreeze 5
Angelzbreeze 6
Angelzbreeze 7

'Xanthe' Blog:

Xanthe 1
Xanthe 2
Xanthe 3

*Cheeky Thoughts*

My New Site And Blog

Sensing that it's the end

The past few weeks...

Back in SA

And again...

An update and a *Thank You*

My Baby Angel x

Disappointed and Angry

Patience

Finally feeling better

Aanvaarding

My besluit

Revenge

Reaching the end

After taking a break...

More bad news

Second thoughts

Confession about Xaynee

Been busy lately

Father's Day

Looking for a way...

I just don't get it!

Worried

. . . T.h.O.u.G.h.T.s . . .

My Story Part Thirteen

People who interrupt you

Useless info about my day lol

My Mom Called Him A Parasite

Feelings of Guilt

Weekend happenings

Guernsey vs SA - Petrol pumps

Letter to *HER*

Thoughts on walls

Lost

My Story Part Twelve

So he's finally moved on...

Paar gedagtes van die klip af

Just a few notes

Early morning complaining. . .

My View: Parental Alienation and the South African Law

My Addiction is Getting Worse!!!

LISTEN to me!!

Am I Alone?

In desperate need of sleep

Letting Go of Shame

My Story Part Eleven

Nobody is perfect

This is just CRAP!!!

Liver Biopsy

I want to walk like the others. . .

My Recent Thoughts

My Story Part Ten

My Story Part Nine

The Girl I Used To Be

I tried

Shopping in South Africa :o) Hehe

Yesterday...

Just...........................

*~Letting Go~*

Feeling better

Too much to handle

Are children less important?

Thinking of giving up...again

Xenophobia in South Africa

Back on medication

My Story Part Eight

Hmmm...

Just thoughts

Me vs The Game

My Story Part Seven

I'm getting REALLY frustrated

Birth year vid

For my baby x

My Story Part Six

*Lies*

Doing better

The Miracle of A Child's Wish

AIH taking over

My Story Part Five

Cheeky Thoughts

An update and a Thank You

Letter to HER

~Letting Go~

Lies

~Xaynee-Leigh~